Letters
I've been trying to write down my thoughts for ages, I never found the courage to actually do it... So this is just a try, I'm not a good writer, not a good talker, not if it's about myself... There are just a few things I have to get off my chest, and it's somehow easier to adress this to the people I'm talking about, so this will be a letter diary... So far I've only written one, perhaps it will be the only one, but the plan is to write more...
I tried to write it as careful as possible, but still....
++++TRIGGER WARNING+++ could trigger those of you who experienced abuse and/or violence++++TRIGGER WARNING++++childhood trauma++++
Dear father,
It's almost 16 years since I saw you for the last time, 16 years without your terror, 16 years, half of my life... With every day more I've spent more time without you than with you... And still, you're haunting me every day... I see you in every man with a blue shirt, I hear you in every raised voice, I feel you in every nightmare... I'm telling myself I'm over it, the last half of my life has been so much better, the good overweighs the bad, the horror is over... I am happy with my life, I have people around me who love me and which I love more than my life... Oh and yeah, even if you tried to cast that out of me like exorcising a demon, I'm happily in love with a man, perhaps abusing your son wasn't the best way of curing him of a misguided sexuality....
talking about raising a son, we have a son, he's a wonderful human, he's so kind, so sensitive and fragile, scared of the world and the people in it, but he's amazing, you would hate him, cause he's like me, he's different and he's broken but yet so perfect and I would protect him with my life... It is so easy to raise a child, they are so perfect as they are, all they need is a bit of affection, a helping hand every now and then, a gentle touch, a loving word, that's all... For your children you are god and you were mine, a vicious god, a disgusting and overwhelming god... You destroyed me a billion times, you broke me in pieces, with every punch, every kick, every broken bone, every bruise... You shattered my soul with every touch and I've been a good boy, because of the little presents you left on my nightstand, I thought that's normal, I thought that's how it has to be and of course nobody talks about it cause you don't want anybody be envious of the presents you got... I knew others didn't get presents, so I thought they probably didn't behave well enough or they aren't as loved as me... The others thought I have a great father, cause of course I told them about my presents, not what I did for getting them, cause then they would do that too and would get presents, but I showed them around... And well, the bruises, the broken bones, after all I've been a boy, a very fragile boy... And people tend to see what they want to see, a little boy who's quite clumsy, who loves to ride, who loves to dance, who loves to be inside and who's just a bit quieter than others, nothing to worry about... Nobody knew how I spent my weekends, that according to my behaviour I either spent them in my room or in my cellar room... Nobody knew that I couldn't decide if liked it better to be a good boy or a bad boy, what's better, a bruised body or a bruised soul? Pest or cholera? In the end it didn't matter, that's what I started to realize as I grew up, no matter what I did, how I behaved or not behaved, how I tried to be... Normal boys climb on trees, that's sth you once told me... I tried that, and I liked it, cause I always liked trees, but my trousers got dirty and you made me decide between the belt, the branch or the crop... I prefered the crop, hurts more during the beating, but heals better...
After all those years, I honestly would like to talk to you, have a totally neutral and reasonable conversation with you... I would really like to know why you did that, how it feels to abuse your own son again and again, how it feels to be satisfied by your own son, how it feels to see your son starving himself, cause eating is the only part of his life he is able to control, how it feels when the arm of a tiny 14 year old breaks under your hand. I'd like to know if you really thought you were right. But you knew you aren't right, cause if, you wouldn't have found excuses for the doctors who took care of my bones... Of course you knew that, you've never been dumb, you've always been so proud of all your degrees and your success, so certainly not dumb... But a man has to be tough to be that succesful, right? You know what? I am a man and I am f** tough, I survived, I may be broken, but I'm not defeated and I still can be a loving parent, I still can love my man, I still can be tiny, I still can wear make up if I feel like that, I still can have long hair, nothing of that makes me be less of a man... You couldn't defeat me, you couldn't change how I am, you only made me stronger, you made me more sensible for the cruel world we're living in, you made me more understanding for people's needs, you made me be more me, not less me... And in the end you were right 'you get what you deserve' wasn't that your favourite saying before beating me up? We all get what we deserve, I got a loving family....
Your son
ok, guys, it's official now, I'm a Hufflepuff.... I did like 4 or 5 different tests and the 'official' one on Pottermore, yeah, no doubt, Hufflepuff.... on the positive side, the badger is really cute, the Hufflepuff main values are somehow really mine and the name is funny.... on the negative side, I don't like yellow and there's this Hufflepuffs are dumb prejudice 
so, gonna fight against that 
aaaand there's more silliness to come.... my Patronus is a Basset Hound and my wand is a Cypress wood with a Unicorn hair core 10
Oh my, you are blond and pale? That's not what I pictured you at all, lol! I thought you were more the exotic type. Indonesian like. 
I have to alter my imagination now.
@nolongerafraid
whaaaat?? hell, that's so funny really?? Why? Naaah, I'm british, so yeah, pale and blond...
@courteousNorth5140
Lol, I don't know. Because you are warm and welcoming maybe?
I am Dutch, but I am not blond and pale. I am not tall either and do not wear wooden shoes. Hahaha
@nolongerafraid
LOL that's really funny... I've actually never thought about how people would think I look like, only cause of what I'm writing here, but yeah, well, I guess we all have some kind of picture in our mind, like how you once described that you met someone who looked like you're picturing Kite... oh and thank you for the warm and welcoming 
you know, Hufflepuff, loyalty, kindness, honesty, friendship oh and I'm in the same club, the tiny club, we have about the same size... and yes, hearing Dutch I picture you as blond with blue eyes and tall... hmmm, nasty prejudices
Hey diary, thought I could write a bit here... as usually completely without any plan... and yeah, I didn't write anything yesterday, well, I've been at 'I don't know what to write today' and really didn't know what to write, so I thought posting that would be a bit pointless, right?
so, today.... started the day with snuggling with my man, actually quite a nice start yeah, all the cuddling and snuggling is nice, I'm getting used to being touched again, even enjoying it, feels good to have somebody close... buuut, yeah, there's always a but, then it was over, he just got up, and I've been like, oh ok, that's it? well, I know, he wants to take it slowly, doesn't want to scare me away again or sth like that, but hell, sometimes it feels like oh well, like he doesn't even want me anymore... well, I know he loves me, he always did, he probably always will, so I don't think that's the problem... so I have no idea what the problem is, and yes, I still know that we have to tal about it, but hell, talking about that is so difficult, I just don't have words I guess, can't really talk about such things, but I'd really love to just have a normal sex life again...
so yeah, the rest of the day was quite calm, like always my emotions switched from crying to laughing and back... well, my man has been out most of the day, yeah, football ewww... came back late afternoon, and yeah I guess men, some men, and football, that's a quite special topic... so he fell asleep halfway through the film we tried to watch, so tucked him in :D drunk men are like little babies... buuuut, I took a little walk today, just a tiny one, but I somehow needed to move and be outside for a moment, felt slightly panicky and well, my back hurts after 300m.. oh tomorrow I'll have physiotherapy again and another doctor's appointment, not quite sure about working this week, hm, my boss said it's ok if I stayed at home another week, work won't run away I'm sure it won't, I can imagine how my desk looks like... gonna take a look when I visit little one tomorrow... well, haven't been visiting him today, but we talked on the phone for about an hour in the morning and another half an hour in the evening... they've been at the park in the afternoon and he had lots of fun... and he said one of his therapist said he could perhaps start riding again if I agree 
oh yes, I agree he really loved riding, he's been at a therapeutic riding group some time ago, well, we had to stop that, but well, perhaps we can give it another try... so yeah, think that's quite a good idea...
hopefully I'll get my Harry Potter clothes this week, so excited yepp, craaaazy.... guess the squishmallows I ordered from the US won't arrive until next week....
ok, I don't know, I somehow have to go back to my first topic, I'm sorry, nobody has to read all of that...
well, the last few months I've been really reluctant about touch, scared of it, cause I've been dealing with some shit of my past that somehow came up, reappeared on the surface and yeah, couldn't stand being touched for some time.. so I pushed my man away a few times, quite aggressively a few times, well, acted out of panic, but we had a few arguments about it, it's not like he doesn't understand, well, he couldn't really understand, cause I don't talk, so for him it's like I've been attacking him out of the blue... so eventually I told him I just need some time to sort some things out, some new memories came up and I just need some time... and over the last few weeks I tried to get closer again, just little things, cuddling on the sofa, holding hands, a kiss here and there, a bit more once in a while, but it always feels like he shies away before it gets too close, too serious... and well, it's never been like that been us, well, we've always been quite active, well with little one sleeping between us most of the nights, yeah, it got a bit lesser but still, I've always felt wanted... and well, now it's like he somehow lost interest, not like that, not like he doesn't like me or doesn't care for me anymore, I know he does, it's just about the physical... and well, I really miss that part... ok, and now I'm done for today...
@courteousNorth5140 wish i could help ya out better here but want to just add something. You are truely growing as a person. Not that this intimidates him. But a possibility is that maybe, he dont wanna get in the way of that? He seems very independant. So he may be able to just walk away and let u fight ur battles the best u can. He may also be like me and keep stuff hidden. Maybe he missin the lil one and hiding stuff. This is all speculation. But, u dunno what he may be dealin with. Is it bad for u? I dunno. But, always remember, it takes 2 to tango properly. So, may be worth the effort to ask whats up. Scary, but, well shit, if u wanna grow not only on your own, bit together, u got to. Or u will be like me. And dat aint a good place to be. Hugs north.
Ridin what? Whats the lil one like ridin? Horses, bikes... i missed somethin so sorry my friend.
@PerfectStorm426
oh he for sure keeps stuff hidden, I should write down his story here one day, well, I know him for over 16 years, I don't know where he's born or anything about what happened in the first 14 years of his life, so yeah, he's the master of secrets... he can talk for hours about computer stuff or his new fav hobby, those nerf guns, but if it's sth about feelings, important stuff imo, nope, nothing... so yeah, I have no idea what's going on inside of this guy... but if he's handling this like he's always handling stuff, then it's just silence for some time and then suddenly it's all back to normality, it's like he's chewing on sth for a while and then he just swallows it and it's done... a really weird guy, but well, that's how he is... so either I try talking and go on his nerves, or I just let him be and wait... don't know...
oh and little one is riding horses :D and he really loved it a lot, so I hope that will perhaps help again...
thanks Storm for thinking about my stuff, well, I know for sure you have more than enough to do with your own stuff, but still, thank you :)
@courteousNorth5140 I'm sorry you and your partner are struggling to figure this out. It's so hard when our body seems to betray us and confusing for our partners I'm sure. What would happen if you were to tell him how you're feeling ready and the desire to feel closer to him physically again know, as well as asking him about what's going on for him? It could possibly be that he's anxious or worried about the possibility of triggering you......? Love you xoxo
@purpleWest8143
yeah, I think he might be afraid of triggering me again, well, and I know we just have to talk about it, sounds really easy, but as I wrote in reply to Storm above, talking to that guy is nearly impossible... or well, not impossible, I can say whatever I like, I just never get an immediate answer... but I gotta talk and wait til it's sunken in, will only tae half a year or sth like that :P oh well, I just gotta try... Thank you West *hugs* love ya too 
trying to decide who to start... hmmm... I should write sth like a list of contents :D or I could just write keywords... tryin that, perhaps then I find out what my mind really is up to...
- been at physio and doctor's, at home for 2 more weeks, back not better
- visited little one, he's been really whiny today, has been sad about not being able to learn an instrument
- made a proper dinner and actually ate it
- my anxiety seems to get worse in the evening, after dinner, just feeling restlessness, raised heartrate, spiralling thoughts
- my brother called me today
- and I just went to the kitchen and I have no idea why........ oh I remember, I wanted to take my pills :D
ok :D so, went back to the kitchen and took my pills... came back here and just forgot going on writing here :D I'm a mess....
soooo, what the thing I'd like to write more about? hmmmm....
of course, little one, well, that's just always on my mind... so little one had music therapy today, he always really enjoyed it, cause he really likes music a lot and well, we met at music therapy... so, first thing I did to build up a connection to him, was teaching him to play the piano... putting a little TRIGGER WARNING on here... well, a few years ago, can tell exactly right now, and I think I wrote about it already, he tried to kill himself, or well, I'm still not sure if he knew what he did, but he practically ripped his wrists apart, with nails and teeth, yeah, not a nice picture... well, his right hand is nearly completely ok again, but the left hand is quite bad, the nerves were too damaged, so he can't really use his left hand... and I can't think of an instrument to play with one hand... so yeah, that made him sad today... oh and I have a bad right hand, so together we have two functioning hands :) so, I tried to cheer him up a bit, yesterday he's been so happy about perhaps riding again, so tried to talk about that, but well, he said perhaps he can't do that either cause of the hand... well, he's just been a bit depressed, cause of course it still will be possible, it's been possible before so it will be now... told him not to worry and well, the thought of the horses made him smile a bit... so I guess it will be ok....
ok mind, anything else you want to thin about tonight? damn it yes, ok....
my brother called me... yeah, well, we are in loose contact somehow, well I think he'd like to be closer... but hmm, I think, I just can't somehow... he's my half-brother, we didn't grow up together, he grew up with his mother, well, I'm trying not to think about it too often, but he's been there to visit my father, they lived quite close, he didn't know that he was his father, but he was there on holidays and on some weekends and well, I watched this boy riding my pony... hard to describe my feelings, I'm normally not an envious person and I don't now if it's really envy, it's just like, I have no idea... we met after my father's death and well, as I started to tell him about my childhood, hm, he couldn't believe, he couldn't imagine and I think he still doesn't understand... he's a good guy, a quite nice guy, he's smart and absolutely normal :D hm, there's just no connection somehow, can't see him as my family, my family are people who understand me and who were there for me through all my bad times... oh well, so the call today was just about some documents and a bit of small talk, don't like small talk very much...
ok, I think I'll give my mind a break and perhaps come back to the rest later :)
I'm going to try writing a bit, well, I'd like to try describing my feelings... So, I'm going to try, taking inventory...
First thing, heart rate, raised as fuck again, the whole day... been horrible intolerant to noises today, there have been roadworks somewhere close, made me insane... listening to music and singing along helped for a moment, but perhaps Bad Religion with their speed wasn't the perfect decision... well, I'm feeling quite shaky, my hands are shaking like crazy, trying to concentrate on typing, that normally helps a bit... my back and my leg hurt as fuck, but I think I somehow lost track of how many painkillers I already took, well, so not gonna take any more today, probably, well, might happen if I forget that I forgot, you know... my stomach is churning like crazy, so it's either too much coffee or, no, it's too much coffee I guess... ok, so I think that's all about the physical side...
my thoughts, well, not graspable, jumping around, spiralling for a moment, then gone again, always feels like I forgot sth, like there's sth I nearly find out, like if you have to think about sth closely and it feels like it's on the tip of your tongue, yeah, so actually I'm thinking nothing, only the word I am typing at the moment I'm typing it, difficult to write a senseful sentence that way... and I'm thinking everything at once, it's about everything and everything means everything, from 'I have to do the wash up' over 'what the hell am I writing here' to 'wtf is wrong', then there are like a billion of worries floating around, yeah, there's this funny exercise on this funny growth path, not gonna do that anymore, makes me panic, for whatever reason... worries about just, yeah, everything, how, what, who, when, why, just questions and no answers at all... yeah yeah, I know, acceptance is the key, I'm the master of acceptance, accepting everything, I'm perfectly balanced, not.... yeah, I'm just having a freak out moment... so leading me to......
...my feelings... I'm freaking out... I'm scared, of what? I have no idea, nothing? everything? Feel like I'm choking, not literally, I am breathing, I'm also the master of grounding, yeah, everything's fine, I am breathing, I am perfectly grounded, I'm still freaking out... cause I'm feeling too much right now... today my emotions have been perfectly balanced, no ups and downs, no sudden mood swings... I miss them... today I've just been like that, feeling like, 'keep away from fire', 'keep away from sharp objects' and that was sth I didn't know before typing it... I'm scared of myself... I feel like a fucking failure, still and again and just neverending.. I don't want to explain why, I can't, it's because of everything and nothing...
my needs... I'd need somebody to take me in their arms and hold me until I can stop crying and tell me that everything will be ok... I'm just scared that I might kill that person, whoever it is...
and now? I have no idea... just fucking pointless... just going to wait until the day is over... tomorrow will be different again... I have no idea if that's good or bad...
@courteousNorth5140 sits with you- i hope we are not in a boat.... cause with me shaking and dizzy and high heart rate, plus u the same, i think we will capsize. I get how u feel. For real.
I feel like I have to write that down here... Today I ate two toasts with raspberry jam, a salad, a chocolate pudding, a peanut bar and a few tortilla chips with sour cream..... that's like whooaa.... damn it, alone at home and slightly panicking...
@courteousNorth5140 now you made Storms belly rumble. Im glad that u ate. I know fir a fact what NOT eating does. And hmmm 2 days now- u eat and get panicky and high heart rate. Research the vagus nerve. I get that way when i eat too. Its something to do with your belly callin for more blood because we dont eat right and hence starve ourselves. Then when we do eat our body is like FOOD! The vagus nerve calls for all systems go to digest. I dont remember if we were friends yet or not. But i touched on this a while back. And i learned it from the day i actually fainted because all the blood left my head to go to my belly. That is where i got my name from. Vagus nerve was a part of that perfect storm.
@PerfectStorm426
perhaps that could really be one of the reasons why I always get panicky in the evening, the higher heart rate and all... well, today it was just too much of food, for my taste... well, tryin to pull myself together, no idea if it'll work
@courteousNorth5140 its worth looking into. It just sounds way to familiar. Then when it happens, u get a bit more panicked because of it. And its a snowball effect. May not be that at all. But at least if it is, u could manage it a bit more to take some load off of your inner self and inner workings. Maybe. I posted earlier but it put it somewhere else. *shrugs shoulders*.
mood inventory.... feeling like shit... my man came home about an hour and half ago, been at the pub watching football... he asked if I had a nice evening, I said yes, he went to bed... end of story, I'm just an idiot for not being able to talk, to just say no, I didn't have a nice evening, I panicked as fuck and it took me all my willpower not to throw up... I really try to talk, I just can't... actually I wanted to tell him about it, cause I've been slightly proud of handling it alone, I don't know why I didn't, he just looked a bit too tired and he started to talk about his evening immediately and well, guess I told him what he wanted to hear so he can go to bed... and now it's just my fault, cause he asked, not his problem if I don't say anything when he asks... I feel like I'm choking... I just don't matter and even that doesn't matter I guess... and yes, that's silly selfpity... I don't care
@courteousNorth5140 you do matter. Your feelings matter. I do the same thing as you do, by making believe i am ok. I do it all day everyday at work and around my friends and family. Hell i do it here allot. Downgrade my real feelings inside to make em sound a lot less severe than what im feelin (however u caught on pretty quicck today i think when i started to overthink... i said dont panic.) so u caught me lol. I dunno why i do it, but that aint the point. The point is, i understand how ya feel.
@courteousNorth5140 sorry inwasnt done. Lost my train of thought. But ur not an idiot for not being able to talk or wanting to talk. Maybe ur kinda hiding stuff inside cause u think it may be a burden or cause more troubles? But u are not an idiot. Far from it.
@PerfectStorm426
yeah, doing a lot of hiding... and well, it somehow piled up, so it became so much that I don't even know where to start anymore, it's like, well, if I start to talk, just say everything, it will just be like 'why the fuck didn't you tell me that earlier'... I've been 'fine' for just too long... and now I'm somehow trying to get out of this with little things, just little hints that I'm not fine, cause I just can't handle saying or doing more... and well, that somehow makes me feel like an idiot...
@courteousNorth5140
*safe hugs* oh North, it's an automatic response to reply with "I'm fine" instead of trying to explain things, it's something that's been so ingrained to pretend everything is ok then to say I'm not ok, things aren't fine.. love ya North sorry I don't have many words to offer but giving you lots of hugs 💖💖
@courteousNorth5140
Wise words from wiz on this one.
I also want to add something my therapist continues to emphasize with me (I have a difficult relationship with my mom).
She is saying, remember things aren't black and white. (I tend to be black and white as trauma can do to one). Then she says, "You are more creative than that. Don't be fooled by the limited good/bad, right/wrong thinking. There are many more choices, and a new one to fit each specific moment in time."
So, for your situation here, I would imagine she would say to me something like this:
What do you need right now? Give that to yourself. And remember that it's only RIGHT NOW you need it. Because you need something right now does not mean that you need it all the time or always. Each moment in time is new and different. Think creatively about what you need now, not what you needed five minutes ago, not what you think you will need tomorrow.
xo
@singercrystalspirit
you made some really good points here... yes, I often tend to have this black/white thinking, and the black is always me, everybody else is white... and I'm absolutely bad at even finding out what I need, let alone verbalizing or acting on my needs... well, having a hard time with that lately... especially cause most of my needs aren't sth I can do for myself, it's sth I'd have to ask others for and yeah, that's the difficult part... so I'm gonna have to find a way somehow....
thanks a lot for that Singer *hugs*
@courteousNorth5140
*Hugs* I have a hard time knowing what I need too. I am working with my therapist on that, too.
Honestly you know what I think? I think we know what we need (I think it's simple), but I think we convince ourselves that it's scary to need it, or that we can't have it, or something. Just a theory.
I mean like, sometimes I will notice that I feel like I need to just relax and read a book. Yet mysteriously I don't, I make a different choice instead.
I think it's maybe more of the black or white thinking. Because we can't ALWAYS have what we need when we need it. For example, maybe I need another hour of sleep, but maybe I have to get up now for a work appointment that I cannot reschedule or miss. So maybe with our black and white thinking, we start to believe that we can either ALWAYS have what we need, or else we are failures and don't ever get to have what we need and it's not worth trying if we can't always have it.
Just more thoughts.
x
@singercrystalspirit
definitely good thoughts....yeah we can't always get what we need, that's absolutely right and yeah, you might be right about that.... well, for me it's perhaps like, if I got rejected once, I won't try ever again... and yeah, I guess that's the black and white thinking you mean... just go on thinking, I feel like you're on the right path
@courteousNorth5140 hmmm. I think opposite. But its just me. I think to avoid confusions that its always best to take the colors out and get stuff to the black and white. Makes things much clearer. Easier to deal with. Thats just for me tho. Not confronting or arguing with anyone. Just a different view. Maybe i should shut up i guess...
@PerfectStorm426
no, you shouldn't shut up, cause I have no idea, that's why I probably need more points of view.... and it's somehow difficult to really describe what I mean.... cause well, I don't know, I have no idea if I really can put my problem out in the open, well, it's not my only problem, but it's one of it and it's somehow difficult to talk about it... but please don't shut up...
@courteousNorth5140
LOL x
ok, first things first.... I talked to my man 
a like 2 1/2h long conversation... talked about some serious topics, laughed a lot, I cried a lot, talked about random things, talked about our sex issues, laughed a bit more and well, just hugged for like 5 minutes... that's it... been in some kind of a talking flow, just talked to him like I'm talking to you guys here, actually told him a few things we're discussing here, all this stuff about boundaries, this black/white thing we just had, sth about values and needs and yeah, things I found out about myself, that I struggle with my identity regarding to sexuality and gender and all that stuff, that some of my past I obviously didn't really overcome somehow came up... left a few things out, for sure, but I somehow feel like that will unravel somehow... and well, after me talking for what felt like 2 hours, he finally opened up a tiny bit too... well, I think it was a good start... and the really most important is, hell, we are just meant for each other, that's it, as crazy and screwed we both are, that's how we are... so yeah so, thanks to you all here, honestly, without your support here I wouldn't have started to talk, without you telling me again and again that I'm ok like I am, that I am allowed to talk and that if everything just breaks I still have you guys here, well... Thank you
and now.... back to this black/white thinking thing... I think I lost track somewhere... I somehow have to write a summary or sth like that... so, hm, it all started with me not being able to verbalize my needs... guess I did that right now, well, partly... but I think he understood what I've been saying... but still, it was very difficult to get it all out, so it should be a bit easier, a bit more normal and natural to just tell the person you love what you need, right? so, actually the question is, why is it so hard for me to say what I need or want? Hah! I've been at open chat yesterday (yeah, I'm there sometimes, I'm the one in the dark corner, just watching ) don't know how or why, but somehow it was about being nice to yourself, and somehow most of us aren't able to be that... so why? well, I guess it's a weird mixture of shame, guilt, slef-hate and self-harm, then neverending thought of not being good enough, not deserving anything nice, not even knowing what being nice to yourself feels like... I mean I absolutely can feel joy and happiness, I know that I like some things, that I don't like some things, but sometimes, yeah, I think Singer said that, sometimes we don't allow yourself to get what we need... and perhaps that's the whole problem about my talking, I know when I start asking for sth, I could actually get it, cause the problem definitely isn't only my man, cause I know for sure he want me to be happy, so if I tell him I need this or that to be happy, well, he'll try to give me that, or we'll work out a way or sth like that... so perhaps it's really just me not allowing myself to be happy.... well, happy somehow is the wrong word, cause that's definitely not one of my goals, being happy is sth like 'I'm happy about my pizza', it's sth hm, momentary I guess... I think it's contentment... that's sth long-lasting... like being ok with myself and my environment... yeah, I think this was a good first step....
oh and I gotta tell you sth else... I got my first papers from univeristy today a huuuuge amount of papers but it's for half a year... only half a year?! so, first chapter 'Inductive and deductive thinking'... I'm on page 10 well, perhaps I should write about it here every now and then, could be interesting for all of us... so for this part, General Psychology, I just have to send in some kind of test... the next part will be Statistics, quite scared of this, cause hell, it's maths and there will be an exam and there will be lectures, online, but still ok, but one step after another... so yeah, I really hope I'll be able to keep to some kind of schedule with learning and working and all...
and I think that's all for today... no sleeping pills today, so I'm completely awake.... and I'm hungry... and I'm restless... but not panicky today... should read some more about this thinking thing...
@courteousNorth5140 That is great news North! Glad that u were able to overcome whatever was keepin ya quiet an Im happy it went well! Two thumbs up👍🏻👍🏻 and devil horns 🤘🏻
@PerfectStorm426
thank you Storm I really hope it wasn't just talking without any consequences, but well, gotta be patient now, not be too pushy and give him some time to think and yeah... just wait and see... I think I had my Stormy moment just go for it :)
@courteousNorth5140 ha, nah i havent went for it just yet. But sounds like your stormy moment is very similar, u took a step - bigger than mine so far, but are bein cool calm and collected and being methodical in your approach. Which i agree with, i think its the best way. When it comes to this kinda stuff, the bull in a china shop approach is a great start, but u got it right, now play strategically to maximize the outcome. I am proud of you my friend. Very proud of you.
I'm gonna write sth here, cause I realized I've been abandoning that thingie here... so sorry, diary, didn't mean to neglect you... but well, actually I don't have much to say, I'm relatively ok... today is a bit of a weird day, weird vibes around somehow, I'm a bit hypersensitive, the confetti drives me crazy, honestly, that makes me nervous, too many colours, too unsettled... yeah tiny things like that can just irritate me and really drive me nuts, well, if I let it sth like that can cause a full blown anxiety attack... yepp, I am that crazy.... oh and I discovered My little Pony :D didn't know there are cartoons... watched an episode, can't see cartoon ponies cry :D yepp, makes me cry too.... and the squeaky voices make me as nervous as the confetti... so alltogether, I'm quite nervous today... then there are a few things, just bothering me in general I guess, hm, well, I'll just call it weird vibes, things I need to stay away from, but well, it's like an accident, you shouldn't look, but you just have to... kind of self harm, triggering myself... silly me...
on the positive side, I finished my second study book, it was about problem solving :D so gonna write the homework about it tomorrow, think I don't feel like thinking this evening... so, I'll do that tomorrow, hm, I'd like to finish the general psychology part this week, don't know if I will... next part will be statistics, yay, so looking forward to that... but problem solving was quite interesting and a bit easier to understand than the inductive/deductive thinking part... guess cause it was more about words and less about numbers and logic :D as soon as something looks like maths, my brain just switches off, need to get over that, or I'll completely fail in statistics... oh well, wouldn't be the first time, not the last time either.... but well, makes me slightly panicky...
hmm, what else, my back sucks... as fuck... doesn't get much better, it's fine as long as I'm on the couch or walking around in the flat, but it's like 15minutes of just normal walking and it's back again... don't know what to do, well, can't stay at home forever, it's already the 5th week, damn it! so yeah, that sucks.... but still visiting little one nearly every day :) tomorrow they'll go riding, he's so excited about it... oh and yesterday he called me, he does that sometimes between two therapies, but he's so cute on the phone, cause somehow he doesn't get the whole talking on the phone thing, so he sometimes just nods and I'm like 'are you still there?' and he nods again :D until I tell him hey, you gotta say sth, I don't see you :D oh and sometimes he's even texting me, but he only send emojis :D the animal emojis... and sometimes he answers on simple yes and no questions... well, hard to describe why all of that is like that, just simple said, he's scared of cameras and that somehow extends on all the phone things... so none of us has a profil pic on whatsapp for example, the cameras on phones, laptop, tablet etc are decorated with stickers, well, unless I need them and he isn't around :P well, in the beginning he's been scared of all screens, even the tv, but yeah, I think Harry Potter cured that :D and just letting the tv on 24/7... desensibilization I guess... but yeah, he's still not very skilled at using a phone and things like that... my man shows him a lot at the computer and they even play some games together, but sometimes it's better sometimes it's worse...
ok, anything else? hmm... yeah, my posts here are weird... just my thoughts... not all of my thoughts... the ones I don't get out, well, just worries, hm, being a bit anxious today... nervous... but yeah, some things are just naaah, not the place for that.... :) I'm alright :P well, I really am and the but, well, just won't think about the but right now... gonna try to relax a bit...
talking about relaxing.... I need a break!! I'm writing on my homework about problem solving, hah, and the whole book didn't tell me how to solve THAT problem lol.... sooo, right now it's about judgemental heuristics... I think I understood it, but now I somehow have to explain it in my own words and I don't HAVE words meeeh.... using the same phrases all the time or I'm writing way too long sentences and in the end I don't know how I started or what I wanted to say... uhh, yeah, concentration, that's a real thing... would have to focus on that, but meeeh, that's the word of the day.... so instead of focussing on my homework, I'm getting distracted by thoughts, sooooo many thoughts... should get some of them out, hm, yeah, should... but I also should go on working on my homework... I should clean the floor... I should take out the garbage... I should take a shower.... I should turn off the tv... so many things I should do.. ok, I can neither concentrate on this nor on my homework :D my mind is a chaos and I think before I put out any thoughts I gotta finish thinking them somehow, right now I'm switching between the definition of things like the anchor effect and cognitive biases and just writing about any shit going on in my head....
so tryin to go back to work.... meeeh... might be back here in 5 minutes....
@courteousNorth5140
LOL. I should not be laughing but I so recognize this.
Sorry, maybe it helps to have something funny to watch (I find this very funny)
Laugh it off and try again.
@nolongerafraid
oh yay! Friends lol I love Friends 😁 that's actually a brilliant idea... I'm always in the team better laugh than cry... just didn't work that well today... but thank you so much for the little laugh 😊
@courteousNorth5140
I am glad you thought that was funny. Laughing is more fun than crying and sometimes just as powerful.
I have been forgetting that lately too, being so focussed on drama all the time. And I am missing my girls, they bring a lot of life and laughter. They will be home next week Sunday
Hope you have a nice day
@nolongerafraid
oh yeah, I can laugh about the silliest thing, well I also can cry about the silliest things and as long as it's all a bit balanced I'm fine with it...
but yeah, missing your kids causes lots of drama, but that's quite normal, isn't it? I miss my little one even if I visit him nearly every day... so I'm really happy for you that your little ones will come back soon 😊
have a nice day, with lots of laughter 😁
@courteousNorth5140
Thanks. My 'little' ones are 23 and 24. lol. They are still my babies though.
Hugs!