Letters

Ok, it is out in the open and surprisingly the world didn't stop to move, didn't crash... pheeew...

Me, myself and I

This is a homework my therapist gave me for the weekend... Who I am, what I am, how I am...
Ok, typed that and now thinking of definitions for who, what and how, well, I would say who are the facts, what are the roles I'm playing or perhaps my personality and how are emotions, feelings, traits... So gonna stick to these definitions for now...
Who I am....
Starting easy, I'm in my 30s, I'm British, I'm male... Three facts? Woooow 😂 ok, ehm, I'm tiny, I am blond, I have long hair, green eyes, I'm skinny... I'm pondering over if being gay is who I am or what I am, is it a fact or is it a role... It is a fact, but it also is a role, but does it define me? Like being male, it is a fact, obviously, but does it define me? Wooohoo, I successfully confused myself 😂 but this is what it all is about, I'm confused about myself who I am, what I am, how I am... Ok, therapist told me I have to stay focused while doing that, damn it.... Ok, make a decision, being male is a who I am, being gay is what I am...
So starting with what I am...
I am a father (using that word cause lacking a more fitting one, don't like it though 😕), I am a partner for my man (sounds weird, too), hm..... I am a survivor, sometimes I am still a victim and sometimes, often, I tend to be a rescuer, it's called helper syndrome I guess 😋 switching between those roles, victim-rescuer, ok gonna try to impress my therapist and write about the Karpman triangle 😂 I know I'm playing the perfect role of victim and rescuer in all my relationships, just the persecutor role isn't mine I guess... Perhaps, hm, gotta research into it a bit more... Ok, on with the show.... I am CONFUSED!!! I think I really let him read it like I wrote it here, thought I'd only brainstorm here, but hell, this is who, what and how I am, I am confused.... Ok, back to the text.... I am a secretary 😂 he likes to call me therapist's assistant, but honestly, I'm an unqualified secretary... Oh I know sth! I am disabled, is that a role? It's a fact! Hah! Ok, back to who I am, I'm disabled.... What else am I? I am a friend, for a tiny but important amount of people... Oh and now I nearly forgot my first point, I am gay... I guess I have some kind of an addict's personality, I'm always addicted to anything, even to my sadness sometimes....
So, how I am...
I am emotional... Period.... 😂 That's it... I'm done! Naah, ok... I am sensitive, I am easily hurt, I am insecure, I am anxious, I am sad quite often, deep down I am positive, even optimistic, I am caring, I am loving and being addicted is somehow also how I am, cause it's a role and a feeling... Oh and have I already said that I'm confused? Oh and someone recently called me daft 😂 guess I am that as well... I am faithful... I am kind, and quite compassionate... I am uneducated, quite simple and naive sometimes... I am done, don't know any more... Open for suggestions though 😂

Going to just vent a bit, cause I just read how important verbal ventilation for the healing process is... Woohoo...

So, I'm exceptionally scared today, scared as fuck, sorry... Stress level reaching critical regions... Wanting to be completely alone in a darkened room, but longing for touch and feeling the sun outside... Trying to reflect on my feelings, emotions, whatever it is going on inside of me... I'm scared of tomorrow, I'll take my little one to the clinic in the morning, but won't take him home with me... Writing that, realizing that scares me on a whole new level... Instantly feeling dizzy... I can't help it but think of my friend A., he was sent to hospital by us, not me, I've been too young, it wasn't my responsibility, still, it feels like it was us, after his schizophrenic episodes got worse, getting so bad he hurt me, he attacked my man, he threatened taking my life, taking his life, what he did in hospital... We sent him away and he never came back... He left us letters, blaming us cause we abandoned him, cause we left him even though we promised never to leave him alone... I promised my little one to never leave him alone... So how can I send him away? How can I not be able to be there for him? I am scared of what will happen to him and I'm scared of what will happen to me... He's the one who kept me from all those fucked up urges my mind is suggesting to get back to... He's my excuse for not getting closer to my man again, so what if he's gone? I'm scared of my reaction, cause I somehow know how I'm going to react, just let it happen, freeze... Trying to breathe and doing all that grounding stuff, doesn't help though, the sound of my man's chair next door is enough to startle me, just a cough and my heartbeat rate rises... and why the hell can't I tell anybody irl how I'm feeling? What the hell is wrong with me? Can't say more, already said too much

My boss sent me home after lunch today, been absolutely unable to concentrate on work... So I went home and slept until now, well, haven't been sleeping at all last night... Little one was in a good mood this morning, he's actually been delighted that we took lots of his toys with us to the clinic... I spent an hour playing with him in his room there, then he had therapies, well, I wanted to say goodbye in the evening, perhaps even put him to bed myself, but I've been told not to say anything, no further explanations... I don't know if that's right, it feels incredibly wrong, just to leave... so I said goodbye as I left work, told him to have a good time with his new friends on the group... It just feels wrong... Getting this tickling feeling all over my skin again, don't feel really panicky though... I don't think I can just watch tv or read a book this evening, then go to bed and sleep... what will he think when I don't come to pick him up? When the lights are turned off and he's all alone in this room? What the hell have I done?

I want to write something, anything... Don't know where to start, trying to just let it flow naturally... It doesn't start flowing at all... I just wanted to write about what's on my mind, but there's just so much on my mind lately... Ok, just starting with the most recent one, I just came home from therapy, hm, I have no idea what to think of it, it was just weird, I don't think this will work... Well, my therapist is my boss, is little one's therapist, is my friend, is the ex of one of the guys I'm living with, he even lived with us for some time, I just think he can't be my therapist anymore, he's too close, I can't tell him anything... I ended up talking about little one, how much I'm missing missing him, how much I feel like having made the wrong choice... Well, sure, those are important things for me right now, sth I should discuss with my therapist, but actually this should have been about sth else... So, I could look lor a new therapist, could just call one, I have a huge database of therapists on my computer, I'm quiet sure I'd get an appointment within a few days... But, I don't think I can start over with all of this again, I'd have to start from the very beginning again, tell them everything again, they don't know me, they don't know how I am... And i just can't do that again... I know they'd get my files and all, I have pretty neat files here, well, I'm the secretary, so there's lota of info, but still, I'd have to talk, to a stranger... Thought about asking one of the other therapists here, but only for a split second, nope... But now I can't tell my boss/therapist to forget about that therapy idea again, cause I see him every day, he just won't let me cancel anything... And then there's this friends thing we kind of have, and he's friends with my man too, so how could I discuss anything related to him? I mean, he's a trustworthy therapist, I know that for sure, but I don't know, I'd feel like talking behind my man's back and perhaps well, perhaps he'd let sth slip, accidentally, or not so accidentally,give him a really unobtrusive hint... I have no idea, but I feel like I can't say anything what my man doesn't know already... And what I need to talk about is what I posted some days ago, how it makes me feel, how it brings back all the old memories I thought I'm done with, how it's eating me up... And related to this, that I'm just not able to get physically close to my man again... I don't even know what's worse, the memories of that event or my fear right now... And it just is completely silly, all of it... It happened, it's over and my man doesn't have to do anything with it... Andnwhy the hell does doat happen now? I've been able to be physical with him, even shortly after it happened I haven't been so scared of touch and now it's just a neverending series of flashbacks... Ok, I'm only confusing myself here... I miss my little one, still feel like I left him alone... He seems to be absent when I visit him and this morning he cried like hell as I left for work... And he had scratches on his arm, nothing serious, but well, he is visited at night, but they for sure aren't as fast as me, at home he knows that he can just wake me whenever any weird feeling strikes him and well, I wake up only when he turns around in sleep, so it just feels like he's safer at home... I feel like a complete failure... Don't know how to feel differently... Not able to get my shit together, not able to be the man my man deserves, not able to take care of my little one, I just feel like giving in to any of those things on my mind, just sick of it all... This thing here is the only thing keeping my somewhat together right now,cause I know I'd sooner or later would post what I did here and I'd be ashamed and you'd all see me differently then and then I'd lose this too...

I'd just like to be able to talk or to write without this feeling of shame, I'd like to be able to just say how I'm feeling, I'd like to open up without feeling ashamed, I'd like to reach out for help without feeling guilty... I'd just like to talk... And I just can't

Ok, I'm trying again... Cause as much I wished I wouldn't need this typing and posting here, as much it ashames me, as much as I wished I'd be stronger and wouldn't need sth like this, well, I do... And that's perfectly ok... I can't talk right now, I can't tell anybody close to me how I'm feeling, but I can tell my diary... My thoughts might not be ordered or elaborated or nowhere near as brialliant as other's thoughts, but well, that's me, I'm a mess, I am flawed, but every now and then there is a good thought... And about one of those good thoughts I'd like to write today...

Ok, so, it's sth what has been on my mind a lot lately... Well,those guys from the park I wrote about,they got reported, I haven't been able to talk or write properly, but there was evidence, I somehow managed to talk to the police after I woke up, I don't remember much of it, I remember them asking me if I'd like to talk to a woman or to a man and it took me two days to decide on that, cause honestly, I have no idea what's better, I mean, why should a woman understand me better, but on the other hand how could I talk to a man? But I'm way way used to men, never had any females in my life... So my decision was no decision, I told them I don't care and they sent s guy and a woman and well, I thought, hell, why even making me decide then 😂 ok, that's not ehat I wanted to write about, what I wanted to say is, those guys never got caught... They are still out there and that frightens me to the bone, and actually not cause I fear meeting them again, perhaps I do, unconsciously, but what frightens me that those guys are a potential danger for others... It bugs me that all the reporting and telling the police didn't have an effect, that it was for nothing... But, there is a but, they have their dna, rape doesn't become statute-barred, no expiry date, Nullum tempus occurrit regi (time does not run against the crown), goes for most of crimes here.... And actually I still get updates from police, well, they are all the same, evidence is saved, but nothing new came forth... But, it's still there, they still could get caught... Then there is this other case, my physiotherapist, guess I touched that topic before, hm, detailed enough I guess, I spoke up, I reported him, well and he actually he's been sentenced, going through this was horrible, talking to the police, to lawyers, to the court, but there was an effect, he's in jail... Will stay there for quite a time... Then, that's not bout me, it's about my little one, so no further details here, but his biological parents are in jail for life, no chance of getting out there, for life means for life for them, some others are there with them, for life as well, some a bit shorter, but in his case they caught nearly everybody...

Ok, all of that doesn't sound like good thoughts, but it is, or well, the good thought will follow... Reporting the ones who caused our trauma makes us feel vulnerable, it makes us go through all of that again, we don't want that, we want to forget, we want peace... What gives us peace? Revenge? No, not for me, revenge isn't sth I long for, well, perhaps, hm, another topic... What I want is justice... Not for me, sentencing my perpetrators doesn't undo anything, it doesn't ease my pain to none, but I can be sure they won't cause that pain on anybody else... It's never wrong to speak up, it can't be wrong, it is our only weapon, it is the right thing to do... And I am just proud of everybody here who had the strength and the bravery to speak up, to report, to use their voice against crime... We aren't only fighting for ourselves, we are fighting for each other and each of us who is able to speak up might give somebody else the strength to speak up... Anybody who's reading that thinking 'but I just can't!', understandable, totally ok, I spoke up two time in my life, once without effect, once with an effect, but there are times I haven't spoke up either, things I never reported... Just try to change that 'but I just can't!' in a 'I can't yet'... Never loose hope, none of you, ther might come the day you just feel that you have to, that now is the time.... It's never too late to use your voice.... I truely love you guys here, known and unknown 💕

Wrote a long post, hm, obviously didn't save it, so yeah, it's gone and I think I don't have it in me to recall it... So just short words about my day... Started ok, had a quite good morning, then went to the clinic to visit little one, we've been talkung for like half an hour, he's been ok, showed me some drawings he made, told me about a girl from his group who also likes dinosaurs, he thought she's too old for dinosaurs already, well, he is the oldest there, so, he doesn't get this age thing, but it was really cute... Then he suddenly snapped, threw his paintings around, yelled at me to leave him alone, nurses and a therapist came in, told me to leave, I waited outside, talked to the therapist, they want to sedate him, but I don't want to sign for that, so yeah, been a bit snappy at that therapist, well, he's an idiot, unfortunately has the weekend shift... Well, talked to little one again, he quickly went back to normal, everything was ok again, we've been drawing together for a bit, then he had to go to therapy and I went home... Tried again to talk, been told I shouldn't question the work of the professionals there, trust them a bit more, haven't even started to study, so yeah, in other words, shut up... Tried to take a nap afterwards, hm, didn't work, been woken up by my man who suddenly felt like talking, well, tried to touch me again, guess I freaked out again, he freaked out a bit too, hm, back at yelling at each other, perfect... Pushing him further and further away, he doesn't have any other chance to freak out, back at bein an unpredictable mess, mood changes within a few hours... Need to calm down... Needed to talk...

Should be laying stillnon my back with legs in a 90 degree angle, instead I've just been jumping around in my living room, headphones on and signing along with Soul Asylum on the top of my voice 😂 WTF?! Honestly... Being at the weirdest of moods.... Sth between totally hyper, I don't caaaare about anything and somehow, hm, reflective? I'm somewhere there, inside of me, I am there somewhere... Can't sit still right now.... But fuck my back hurts...
Ok, so been thinking about myself... What am I? I'd love to be able to just say, fuck labels, I am human, I am how I am... But, nope, not working... Somehow need answers, a box to put myself in, don't know if such a box exists.... Sooo, I did a funny test, the S.A.G.E test, the sex and gender explorer test, ehm yeah... A test with over 100 questions... Gonna just post my result here, cause yeah I don't caaaare right now 😋 will probably care again later, but well, fuck it...

S.A.G.E. Test Results
Your Raw Score is: 655, which indicates that overall you are Feminine

Your appearance is Androgynous

Your brain processes are mostly that of a Female person.

You appear to socialize in a feminine manner.

You believe you have major conflicts about your gender identity.

You indicated your were born Male.

ANALYSIS:
Male to Female Transsexual, who is a serious candidate for Gender Reassignment Surgery
NOTES:

Your answers indicate you have altered your physical appearance to look like the opposite sex.
Your Answers indicate your psychological state has likely prevailed since you were quite young.

Don't know if I should laugh or cry.... Oh well, don't worry, won't cut anything off of me just cause an online test told me to 😂 but as silly as such tests might be, there might always be some truth in it.... I tried to somehow explore my sexuality and gender with therapy, well, not for very long, perhaps not persistent enough, cause well, it's hard for me to talk about it, hard to think about it, there's a lot of mixing up with my trauma, lots of confusion if it is me or just how others see me, cause I bet 99% percent of people see me as a girl, so am I just fighting the truth? Ok, this way tmi, but if it comes to this one special part what makes a man a man, ehm,, yeah, not that I'm absolutely 100% happy with it all the time, but having sth else instead, ehm, no? I have no idea... Perhaps I just really am how I am, somehow a man, somehow a girl, sth in between, looking like a girl, as long as I keep my clothes on, thinking like a girl, with a few exceptions, but well, not having the need for a woman's body... Just need a definition for that state somehow... A word for it... But yeah, all those words are confusing me... So, somebody please just put a label on me...

Sorry for that weird post, that's really just the most confused part of myself, not that there is any non-confused part of me, but well, that's actually what's worst atm, could change again in a few days, had this before, will probably have it again, cause I have no idea how to solve it... That's just me 😊

Going to write a bit here... hm, I realised that my beginnings of every post already sound like an apology, guess that's just me. well, like my last post slightly indicated, I'm thinking a lot about who I am, not only about gender and sexuality, it's about just everything, the big picture, why am I here? what am I doing here? what's the meaning of life? might have a midlife crisis well, no, it's about my identity, who am I? I've been taught a lot of shit, I've been called lots of bad names, and those are the external factors letting us lose or not evolve an identity... so to even get close to the question who I am, I have to somehow get over all of those things, the things how others saw and see me, how I've been taught to be, hm, there are just things, words they stuck with me... like 'you'll never be a real man', hm, hard to disagree there somehow, don't know if I AM a real man, for sure I don't look like one, that's sth I've partly accepted, well, at least I'm not doing anything to look any different... So I guess if I'd like to look differently, I'd just change my looks, yeah, can't grow but could cut my hair, for example... but nope, not gonna happen... hm, well, the messages I got as a child were I'm worthless, I don't deserve anything, I'm not good enough nor will I ever be, I don't have a voice, I don't have any rights and I can't change anything about it... it's hard to get that out of my mind... whenever there appears a problem, any kind of conflict, external or internal, I go back to those messages... most of the time I am able to push that away and concentrate on sth positive in my present life, cause there are positive things, there are things to look forward to, there are things to be happy about and well, there aren't many days without laughing... But, there is this but and I don't think that will ever go away... I don't think something like complete happiness exists and I think without all this unstructured thinking my brain has to do, it would just quit, give up... Or it would start thinking about completely unneccessary things, I'd probably start arguments about open tooth paste tubes and why I have to take the garbage out... well, sometimes it would be nice to have the time and brain capacity to think about things like what to have for dinner or where to go on the next holiday, right now it's more like thinking about if I'll be able to eat dinner, how to avoid it, or how to get through it or if I'll be able to go on a holiday if going to the supermarket sometimes feels like an unachieveable task... so yeah, would be nice sometimes.... but what would I write here then?

so... I think it's all about making the best of everything, accepting what we can't change, seeing the good in the bad.... That's sth I'd like to write about, the good in the bad....

at age 14 I've been thrown out of school, one of the worst attacks of my father followed - BUT at the new school I met the person who brought me exactly here, well, we have a new sofa but without that, I wouldn't have met them...
at age 16 I've been 'rescued' from my father, one of the most horrible nights of my life - BUT also one of the best, cause not only that I left my father, in the night I also met the person who I now call my man
at age 19 my friend took his life, followed by me getting lost completely for the next 3 or 4 years, not much I remember of that time, know I occasionally showed up at home to take a shower and sleep for a few days, then dissapeared again - BUT eventually I woke up and changed my life, quit the drugs to begin with, went back to therapy, went back home
like 6 years ago after suicide attempt I've been at a psychiatric clinic, I've just lost every hope that it'll ever get better - BUT in exactly that moment of complete hopelessness I found the biggest hope of my life, my little one
and just the general, I've been through a lot of shit, I'm totally messed up - BUT if I wouldn't be that messed up, I wouldn't be here, wouldn't have met the people I met, wouldn't have learned what I have learned here, would perhaps sleep a bit more, cause timezones suck
still don't have an answer why the things happened like they did, have answer on some of it, well, mostly my inner critic answers those, can't help it...
well, perhaps this whole post is totally silly, probably, hurting even..... Well, this is just my sight on my life, doesn't have to apply to anybody else... just my try to process a few things... and well, the more I write here, the more I talk, the more completely unprocessed things I find... like those lost years I mentioned...
ok, that's enough for today, need some plushy cuddle time....

being in a weird mood... yeah, nothing new... so somehow overly emotional, yeah, even more than normally, not necessarily sad, just somehow emotional, hm, like being completely calm and absolutely restless at the same time... does that make sense? probably not... well, I don't make sense to myself either, so how should anybody else get me... ok, so I've been visiting little one, I'd love to be able to describe my feelings, but don't have any words, he seems to be so lost, but perhaps that's just my mind making him look like that, cause I still feel guilty for sending him away... well, tbh, he often looks that lost, so it's not only cause he's there, right? My man came with me and little one was really happy to see him, well, they have more like this buddy connection, he seems to be a bit older when he's with my man, probably cause they are doing all the boy's things, playing video games and football and stuff... yeah yeah, there my thoughts go again, damn it... it's just not right that he has to be there, really, it's fucking unfair... it's friday evening and it's bedtime for him now... he's 20 and this shit hasn't only destroyed his childhood, it destroyed his youth and destroys his whole life... just some sick people... and it happens again and again and again... I don't get it... and all I can think of is putting him away in a clinic, yeah, really, great... I miss him so fucking much... this week I took sleeping pills for the first time in years, well my man practically forced me to, cause well, I don't sleep, waking up every hour, just to look on the phone if I've missed a call... hm, have to be forced to eat as well, not eating at all all day, well, my man always leaves me something I gotta eat during the day when he leaves in the morning, hm, guess today the joghurt went to the toilet 5 minutes before he came home... yeah, bad me, sorry... just can't eat, can't think of it, mind is too full... my heartrate worries me though, always a bit too high, hm, restless, but can't move... well, when I have sth to do, when there is sth I can focus on, on little one, on somebody else, then I'm perfectly ok, I can think clearly, but as soon as that's gone I just fall, just would like to curl up into a ball and cry... probably feeling like that is completely wrong and well, some kind of crazy, I don't know, I don't have those words, just know, it's probably wrong...

ok, the good in the bad, can somebody please tell me the good in the bad here? cause I really can't see it, as much as I'm trying... ok, I really have to get that out of my mind... and I have to stop triggering myself, with reading stuff I shouldn't read... I'd like to end this positive somehow... so can't see the good in the bad of my situation with little one right now, but I see the good of being this overly emotional, yeah even if it's perhaps part of a weird, crazy, ill personality type thing, but hm, I can feel myself and I can feel others, I sense emotions, yeah, perhaps sometimes I'm a bit over the top, sometimes I might interpret a bit too much, instead of just seeing facts, but well, that's how I am...