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courteousNorth5140 March 25th, 2018

I've been trying to write down my thoughts for ages, I never found the courage to actually do it... So this is just a try, I'm not a good writer, not a good talker, not if it's about myself... There are just a few things I have to get off my chest, and it's somehow easier to adress this to the people I'm talking about, so this will be a letter diary... So far I've only written one, perhaps it will be the only one, but the plan is to write more...

I tried to write it as careful as possible, but still....

++++TRIGGER WARNING+++ could trigger those of you who experienced abuse and/or violence++++TRIGGER WARNING++++childhood trauma++++

Dear father,

It's almost 16 years since I saw you for the last time, 16 years without your terror, 16 years, half of my life... With every day more I've spent more time without you than with you... And still, you're haunting me every day... I see you in every man with a blue shirt, I hear you in every raised voice, I feel you in every nightmare... I'm telling myself I'm over it, the last half of my life has been so much better, the good overweighs the bad, the horror is over... I am happy with my life, I have people around me who love me and which I love more than my life... Oh and yeah, even if you tried to cast that out of me like exorcising a demon, I'm happily in love with a man, perhaps abusing your son wasn't the best way of curing him of a misguided sexuality....

talking about raising a son, we have a son, he's a wonderful human, he's so kind, so sensitive and fragile, scared of the world and the people in it, but he's amazing, you would hate him, cause he's like me, he's different and he's broken but yet so perfect and I would protect him with my life... It is so easy to raise a child, they are so perfect as they are, all they need is a bit of affection, a helping hand every now and then, a gentle touch, a loving word, that's all... For your children you are god and you were mine, a vicious god, a disgusting and overwhelming god... You destroyed me a billion times, you broke me in pieces, with every punch, every kick, every broken bone, every bruise... You shattered my soul with every touch and I've been a good boy, because of the little presents you left on my nightstand, I thought that's normal, I thought that's how it has to be and of course nobody talks about it cause you don't want anybody be envious of the presents you got... I knew others didn't get presents, so I thought they probably didn't behave well enough or they aren't as loved as me... The others thought I have a great father, cause of course I told them about my presents, not what I did for getting them, cause then they would do that too and would get presents, but I showed them around... And well, the bruises, the broken bones, after all I've been a boy, a very fragile boy... And people tend to see what they want to see, a little boy who's quite clumsy, who loves to ride, who loves to dance, who loves to be inside and who's just a bit quieter than others, nothing to worry about... Nobody knew how I spent my weekends, that according to my behaviour I either spent them in my room or in my cellar room... Nobody knew that I couldn't decide if liked it better to be a good boy or a bad boy, what's better, a bruised body or a bruised soul? Pest or cholera? In the end it didn't matter, that's what I started to realize as I grew up, no matter what I did, how I behaved or not behaved, how I tried to be... Normal boys climb on trees, that's sth you once told me... I tried that, and I liked it, cause I always liked trees, but my trousers got dirty and you made me decide between the belt, the branch or the crop... I prefered the crop, hurts more during the beating, but heals better...

After all those years, I honestly would like to talk to you, have a totally neutral and reasonable conversation with you... I would really like to know why you did that, how it feels to abuse your own son again and again, how it feels to be satisfied by your own son, how it feels to see your son starving himself, cause eating is the only part of his life he is able to control, how it feels when the arm of a tiny 14 year old breaks under your hand. I'd like to know if you really thought you were right. But you knew you aren't right, cause if, you wouldn't have found excuses for the doctors who took care of my bones... Of course you knew that, you've never been dumb, you've always been so proud of all your degrees and your success, so certainly not dumb... But a man has to be tough to be that succesful, right? You know what? I am a man and I am f** tough, I survived, I may be broken, but I'm not defeated and I still can be a loving parent, I still can love my man, I still can be tiny, I still can wear make up if I feel like that, I still can have long hair, nothing of that makes me be less of a man... You couldn't defeat me, you couldn't change how I am, you only made me stronger, you made me more sensible for the cruel world we're living in, you made me more understanding for people's needs, you made me be more me, not less me... And in the end you were right 'you get what you deserve' wasn't that your favourite saying before beating me up? We all get what we deserve, I got a loving family....

Your son

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courteousNorth5140 OP July 8th, 2018

Had a bit of a weird day, hm, not even really bad, just felt like somehow zoned out most of the day, with some weird waves of sadness, about nothing particular, just this feeling like you want to curl up in a corner and cry for an hour or two... and had this weird tingling skin again, weird feeling... well, new try tomorrow...

been visiting little one in the morning, he's been pretty sleepy, what probably means he had a bad night... but we had breakfast together and took a little walk at a garden nearby :) that was really nice... he's been totally excited about riding again, his first lesson was on wednesday, or thursday?, and he's still talking about nothing else :) so that was definitely a good idea... the name of his horse is Prince and he's white with a bit of grey, he said he looks like my pegasus figurine, just without the wings of course :) but it still feels a bit like flying :) so definitely best part of the day...

and I worked on my homework a bit, well, still one question to solve, but well, I left that for tomorrow... couldn't concentrate today,,,

my back still isn't better, actually quite bad the last days... I don't know, been in worse pain, but somehow this still sucks...

well, just rambling...

courteousNorth5140 OP July 9th, 2018

tingling skin, overly emotional, back at crying for no reason, well, I know the reason, can't say it though, can't say anything, don't have words for myself anymore, doesn't matter, panicking and hungry... or hungry and panicking... this is my place.... I have the right to write here... I want to speak and I just can't, I just can't anymore, right now, will change again... I hate my fucking positive thinking even if I feel like shit... I just want to be able to speak, but it doesn't matter... panicking hungry

4 replies
calmLake1999 July 9th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

*safe hugs* you have the same rights as anyone else here to speak your Mind North, I'm here for you no matter what.. hoping your ok, sending lots of love πŸ’–

1 reply
courteousNorth5140 OP July 10th, 2018

@calmLake1999

Thank you Calm *safe hugs back*... I know you are here and I know you worry even if I tell you not to worry, little worrywart you are 😊 I'll be ok Calm, I promise... and I love ya πŸ’– lots πŸ’–πŸ˜Š

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nolongerafraid July 10th, 2018

4 replies
courteousNorth5140 OP July 10th, 2018

@nolongerafraid

thank you Mas, I love that picture 😊 well, like all of us here, I'm kind of used to rain, but it's really good to know that there are people who walk through it with me together πŸ’•

3 replies
nolongerafraid July 10th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

As an English person you probably know these days and days of rain, when it seems it will never end.

I was sitting at home with two small kids who became more and more restless. I remember one day we put on our rain suits and boots and just had so much fun in the rain. They are still remembering it today. That was a fun, rainy day.

Sometimes it is the decision to rejoice through something that you find strength to actually go through it. Make sense?

I love you North! heart

2 replies
courteousNorth5140 OP July 10th, 2018

@nolongerafraid

Thank you Mas heart yes it actually makes a lot of sense, that's sth like my thinking, well, always trying to see sth good in everything... I actually like that about myself... but sometimes it's like I'm cutting off my own feelings, like I'm pushing the bad ones away too quickly sometimes... well, not really pushing them away, I don't know, it's hard to describe... perhaps more like putting a layer over them... gotta make sense of myself, I guess wink love ya too blush thank you

1 reply
nolongerafraid July 10th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

I get you, I do that toosmiley

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courteousNorth5140 OP July 14th, 2018

today I tried to find my voice again, I tried to convince myself that I have the right to speak and to be myself... doesn't work, just doesn't... I'm wrong...

2 replies
GuardianAngel77 July 14th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

Hi

You're not wrong. A lest you are trying to

find your voice. Keep on trying to find your

voice. You will find it. Be easy on yourself.

Be gentle with yourself. I'm here for you. 😊😊😊😊!!

nolongerafraid July 14th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 Your are not wrong North, you have an amazing voice that needs to be heard. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Not even you. 😘

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courteousNorth5140 OP August 1st, 2018

Thoughts about love.....

.....this all consuming feeling
.....this not hearing your words but feeling your thoughts
.....this longing for your touch but being scared to destroy your beauty with mine
.....this hearing a song and thinking of you
.....this feeling you close whereever you go
.....this not wanting to fall asleep just not to miss a single second of looking at you
.....this finally falling asleep in your arms
.....this waking up just to look at you again
.....this neverending smile, this giggling with only a thought of you
.....this longing for your kiss
.....this nerve-wrecking missing you
.....this warm feeling you're spreading in my heart, my soul, my mind
.....this not feeling whole when you're not here
.....this feeling of being beautiful
.....this hunger
.....this, my love, is how you're making me feel.... more than words could ever describe....
Always yours...

1 reply
Raveninthelabrynth August 1st, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 This is so beautiful it made me cry

smiley

PerfectStorm426 August 1st, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 wow. This is very awesome North. Very deep. Very... right. Absolutely wonderful.

Raveninthelabrynth August 2nd, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

"Look out here comes one mor morning

Habbits form without a warning

Love itcan be habbit forming

We're creatures of habbit!

Look Out!

A Habbit's forming!

It's just one mor morningsmiley

wontwakewontsleep September 1st, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 - I love this... ❀

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