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courteousNorth5140 March 25th, 2018

I've been trying to write down my thoughts for ages, I never found the courage to actually do it... So this is just a try, I'm not a good writer, not a good talker, not if it's about myself... There are just a few things I have to get off my chest, and it's somehow easier to adress this to the people I'm talking about, so this will be a letter diary... So far I've only written one, perhaps it will be the only one, but the plan is to write more...

I tried to write it as careful as possible, but still....

++++TRIGGER WARNING+++ could trigger those of you who experienced abuse and/or violence++++TRIGGER WARNING++++childhood trauma++++

Dear father,

It's almost 16 years since I saw you for the last time, 16 years without your terror, 16 years, half of my life... With every day more I've spent more time without you than with you... And still, you're haunting me every day... I see you in every man with a blue shirt, I hear you in every raised voice, I feel you in every nightmare... I'm telling myself I'm over it, the last half of my life has been so much better, the good overweighs the bad, the horror is over... I am happy with my life, I have people around me who love me and which I love more than my life... Oh and yeah, even if you tried to cast that out of me like exorcising a demon, I'm happily in love with a man, perhaps abusing your son wasn't the best way of curing him of a misguided sexuality....

talking about raising a son, we have a son, he's a wonderful human, he's so kind, so sensitive and fragile, scared of the world and the people in it, but he's amazing, you would hate him, cause he's like me, he's different and he's broken but yet so perfect and I would protect him with my life... It is so easy to raise a child, they are so perfect as they are, all they need is a bit of affection, a helping hand every now and then, a gentle touch, a loving word, that's all... For your children you are god and you were mine, a vicious god, a disgusting and overwhelming god... You destroyed me a billion times, you broke me in pieces, with every punch, every kick, every broken bone, every bruise... You shattered my soul with every touch and I've been a good boy, because of the little presents you left on my nightstand, I thought that's normal, I thought that's how it has to be and of course nobody talks about it cause you don't want anybody be envious of the presents you got... I knew others didn't get presents, so I thought they probably didn't behave well enough or they aren't as loved as me... The others thought I have a great father, cause of course I told them about my presents, not what I did for getting them, cause then they would do that too and would get presents, but I showed them around... And well, the bruises, the broken bones, after all I've been a boy, a very fragile boy... And people tend to see what they want to see, a little boy who's quite clumsy, who loves to ride, who loves to dance, who loves to be inside and who's just a bit quieter than others, nothing to worry about... Nobody knew how I spent my weekends, that according to my behaviour I either spent them in my room or in my cellar room... Nobody knew that I couldn't decide if liked it better to be a good boy or a bad boy, what's better, a bruised body or a bruised soul? Pest or cholera? In the end it didn't matter, that's what I started to realize as I grew up, no matter what I did, how I behaved or not behaved, how I tried to be... Normal boys climb on trees, that's sth you once told me... I tried that, and I liked it, cause I always liked trees, but my trousers got dirty and you made me decide between the belt, the branch or the crop... I prefered the crop, hurts more during the beating, but heals better...

After all those years, I honestly would like to talk to you, have a totally neutral and reasonable conversation with you... I would really like to know why you did that, how it feels to abuse your own son again and again, how it feels to be satisfied by your own son, how it feels to see your son starving himself, cause eating is the only part of his life he is able to control, how it feels when the arm of a tiny 14 year old breaks under your hand. I'd like to know if you really thought you were right. But you knew you aren't right, cause if, you wouldn't have found excuses for the doctors who took care of my bones... Of course you knew that, you've never been dumb, you've always been so proud of all your degrees and your success, so certainly not dumb... But a man has to be tough to be that succesful, right? You know what? I am a man and I am f** tough, I survived, I may be broken, but I'm not defeated and I still can be a loving parent, I still can love my man, I still can be tiny, I still can wear make up if I feel like that, I still can have long hair, nothing of that makes me be less of a man... You couldn't defeat me, you couldn't change how I am, you only made me stronger, you made me more sensible for the cruel world we're living in, you made me more understanding for people's needs, you made me be more me, not less me... And in the end you were right 'you get what you deserve' wasn't that your favourite saying before beating me up? We all get what we deserve, I got a loving family....

Your son

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courteousNorth5140 OP April 14th, 2018

Ok, I think I just write a bit here, cause my wise therapist always tells me to just start talking instead of waiting for a question to answer... So yeeees, I'm starting to talk.... Give me a second....

Ok, so, there are some thoughts on my mind, actually since I'm here... So I already shared some fractures of my past here, I guess opening up here is anstep forward... I met people here I'm really starting to trust, I might even start to believe they actually like me... So, steps forward... This site, this safe space here, it helps me, it really does, I'm not feeling that lonely anymore, I have people around me I can share things with, the good and the bad... BUT I'm asking myself for some time if I really ever will heal completely, if that is even possible... And, most important, how can I know that I have healed completely, like how can I know that the state I'm in right now isn't the best I can get... I just think I made a huge progress durung the last years, I've overcome a lot and actually I'm living a good life, I love my man, I love my little one, I'm living with people I can call my family, I have a job I like, I even have a therapist I like, well, he's also my boss, so I even like my boss... I have a great home, I love living here, I accepted myself, I am ok with my sexuality, my health is quite under control... i know my strengths, I am aware of my weaknesses, I know myself quite well... So, I should be happy, right? My therapist always tells me no shoulds, woulds, coulds 😁 ok, so differently, hm... Why am I not happy? Perhaps the wrong question, cause I am happy, except when I'm sad πŸ˜‚ so, why am I still sad? What am I expecting? I have more than I ever expected from life, I actually HAVE a life... And that's why I think I might have reached my highest point of healing, perhaps that's how I am, that' who I am...

But then again, there are doors I haven't opened yet, there are things I haven't talked about, there are bottled up emotions and fears... And that scares me a lot... So if I give up on this whole healing thing, if I just say I'm done with it, I'm ok like it is now, what if the doors get cracks and break open unintentionally? Well, I've overcome so much, but I feel like I used all the strength I had for this... There's nothing left to face the last bits... And I'm worried that if I start opening those forgotten doors, there might appear more of them... I am quite good at botteling up emotions and supressing memories... Until about 10 years ago I've been quite sure the first time my father sexually abused me was at about age 14 and then suddenly the memories came back... So what if there's more? And how can I know? I'm just scared of falling again, I think I just can't get up again...

And well, my healing so far was also quite exhausting for the people around me, they've been there for me the last 16 years and it was a hard time, a very hard time... And I just feel like I can't do that to them again, cause I know that they would be there for me again and still and always, but I don't want them to have to go through this again... And well, there's this tiny voice inside of me, what if they've got enough? They both left me for some time, they came back, we reconciled, halpy family again, all good, but they did it once, what if they'll do it again, what if they leave for good? I honestly can't survive without them... Some people will think while reading this, people who leave you at your worst aren't meant to be in your life, or sth like that... Well, they didn't leave me at my worst, they left me at their own worst, when they just couldn't handle it anymore, cause we're all human, we all have our limits... So I don't blame them for leaving, but I can't risk that happening again...

Ok, I have no idea what I'm typing here... Well, the better I know some of you, the easier and the harder it gets to open up... Easier cause I trust you that you won't laugh at me, the harder cause you're no strangers anymore and I don't want to burden any of you with my shit.... So this is all I can write right now...

I should work on a new letter... I have to get that out of my mind... But I just can't right now, I just don't want to feel that again... Ok, enough now... I'll be ok 😊

9 replies
calmLake1999 April 15th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

*sending you seriously big safe hugs* we love ya here North.. I do not have any words at the moment but just wanted you to know I am here and sitting with you listening.. I think you are a strong person and such a sweet kind soul... heart

1 reply
courteousNorth5140 OP April 15th, 2018

@calmLake1999

😁 You see, exactly this is why I'm telling you the same, that you are a wonderful person and faaaaar away from being worthless, cause you are answering on my silly posts even if there's so much on your own mind atm, cause you care for others...

Thank you Calm πŸ’• *big hugs back*

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purpleWest8143 April 16th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 to add to the philosophical pondering....? Sometimes I also wonder.... yes , I am scared that my crap might end up pushing the people I care about away (it might be too much for them to handle), but also, the more I allow to be exposed, the more vulnerable I am - doesnt this then show me who will absolutely stick around no matter what? Like if every little thing is out in the open and exposed, then I have zero issues to ever worry about. Totally aware this going to come off as a ramble... half asleep atm.

1 reply
courteousNorth5140 OP April 16th, 2018

@purpleWest8143

No worries, ramble all you want 😊

Yes, you are right, I agree with you completely, I think the problem is I just don't want to be vulnerable anymore, I don't want to be taken care of, I just want to be ok, I just want to be normal... I know, that's just whining, but well, my mind is chaotic atm, and I'm feeling like whining about not wanting to whine anymore πŸ˜‚

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purpleWest8143 April 16th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 does it end up feeling like theres part of you you dont know yet/ somethings that hidden away/ oryoure subconsciously keeping under wraps in a way?

1 reply
courteousNorth5140 OP April 16th, 2018

@purpleWest8143

Yeah, I'm always worried about there could be more and I know there are some things hidden, I'm trying hard to not think about some things, I've put them in a room, locked the door and threw away the key πŸ˜• I know that's not the right way to get over things, but right now I just don't feel strong enough to face it...

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purpleWest8143 April 16th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 and it sounds like your family means a whole lot you ❀️ And that you have a good relationship with your therapist and feel supported , so in my opinion these are all great things for being on your way to healing. Wize has asked some pretty good and philosophical questions in a thread topic she opened last week around healing and there was some good points to ponder in there.

Big hugs πŸ€—β€οΈ

1 reply
courteousNorth5140 OP April 16th, 2018

@purpleWest8143

Yes, my family means the world to me 😊 they are my reason to live... And yes, I like my therapist a lot, he's a great guy, he always somehow knew how to talk to me or how to get me talking, even if it sometimes was by throwing pillows at me πŸ˜‚ I have to look up that post 😊 thanks for the tip...

And thank you so much for replying on my silliness 😊 *big hugs* πŸ’•

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courteousNorth5140 OP April 18th, 2018

I've been feeling really weird lately, somehow overly emotional, somehow completely empty... I'm so fed up with just always feeling anything I can't really explain... I still can't bring myself to posting the next letter, there are a few possibilities, but I just can't... Perhaps all of this was a silly idea, well, my therapist was absolutley happy as I told him about those letters, I always loved writing, I used to write a lot , but well, I'm not a good writer and well, I feel like my brain just works too slowly, I can't find the right words, I can't even find the inappropriate words and I somehow have to find the right words, cause I don't want to trigger anybody... I thought about writing about a letter to my anorexia, but that would definitely be triggering, sth about the drugs, yeah, triggering and I think I don't want to write about the drugs, it makes me feel weak, cause I've been too weak... That's somehow my word, that's how I feel... I know I survived all of that, but I didn't have a choice, surviving wasn't my decision somehow, I did everything to not survive it... I just wrote in our check in my little one is my reason to live, yeah, he is... But most of the time I think he would be better off without me, he still would be loved... I want this so much, I want to give him hope, love and a home, but it's tearing me apart... His memories, my memories, it's all mixed up on my silly not really working brain... So today my leg hurt really badly and my hand kept shaking the whole day, how can I leave my past behind me if it always reminds me... I haven't eaten today, the advantage of my late shifts, nobody watches my eating... Is it an advantage? Well I just wrote that, so I obviously think it is... I'm working in a psychiatric clinic, my therapist, my boss, has lots of teenagers and children with eating disorders as patients, the walk into my office every day, wait for their appointment, chat with me... There's this girl, 13 years old, she came to the clinic more dead than alive, she's there for more than 4 weeks already, last week I found her on the stairs, jumping up and down the stairs, to burn calories, today she came to my office and told me she was rewarded for eating a whole lunch today and I congratulated her, I've been so happy for her... I ate a banana and a cereal bar today and I feel like a hypocrite... My little one has nightmares every night, he wakes up screaming, crying... Then sit down on the sofa, I make him tea or hot chocolate, I tell him that it only was a dream, that it's over, that nothing can hurt him... It all feels like a lie... I feel like a liar, I am not strong, I am weak, I can't take away his pain, I can't heal him, I can't even heal myself...

9 replies
calmLake1999 April 19th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

Oh north You ARE strong.. I am so sorry that you are having a rough time and your son is having nightmares..*safe hugs for you both* please be gentle with yourself. You are such a beautiful soul and I hate to see you so down on yourself.. Sending much love πŸ’•πŸ’•

1 reply
courteousNorth5140 OP April 19th, 2018

@calmLake1999

Thank you for your words Calm πŸ’• I hope you believe me when I tell you it means a lot to me *hugs*

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courteousNorth5140 OP April 18th, 2018

I'm sorry

3 replies
PerfectStorm426 April 19th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 DONT BE SORRY!!! there is no reason to be sorry. U are doing things for others, especially your lil one. See what you do for others as well as yourself. You are doin the best that you can. No one (even you) should/ could ever fault you for that. Chin up my friend.

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PerfectStorm426 April 19th, 2018

@PerfectStorm426 you are doing better than you believe. Because you have a good heart.

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courteousNorth5140 OP April 19th, 2018

@PerfectStorm426

Thank you Storm, wow, I mean, I know I'm doing ok when it's about taking care of others, that's definitely sth I'm good at and I like that about myself... Well, yes, ok, you could say that's sth positive... I just feel like I'll never be good enough and I can't shake off that feeling...

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courteousNorth5140 OP April 25th, 2018

Ok, I'm just starting to type type now, no idea what about... I'm an emotional disaster... Lately when somebody asks me how I am, I have a hard time holding back my tears... How am I? How am I feeling? I am constantly confused and overwhelmed, I am hypersensitive, every noise startles me, more than two people in a room scare me, closed rooms scare me, being outside scares me... I often go to work by taxi, cause I can't use public transport, but lately I felt uncomfortable in a taxi alone only with the driver, so I told myself, ok, it's spring, I can go by bicycle... But the last few days I felt uncomfortable on the bicycle as well, you're so exposed there, the traffic is so close and well, I'm not really good on ohe bicycle, so I feel quite uneasy... It's the traffic, it's the noise, it's the people on the street, when I have to stop at a red light, I could fall, somebody could hit me with the car, somebody could come after me... When I finally made it to work, I have to walk in there, there is a reception, I like the reception girls, but when one of them says hi or good morning, I would like to just turn around on the heels and run away... Ok, so I made it across the hall, of course I don't use the elevator, too tight, too dark, too scary, so I walk the stairs and that's a huge challenge, cause my leg le behaving so weird again lately, so I more stumble upstairs, always afraid of stumbling over my stupid feet... The stairs are usually locked and only for staff, cause our tricky patients love to use the stairs to burn some extra calories, but sometimes the doors aren't locked and they somehow always find out immediately, so it can happen that I catch one jumping up and down the stairs and what a surprise, that situation scares me, it overwhelms me, I don't know how to react, well, of course I know, I'm a staff member, so they know what to expect, I'll take them with me to their room or wherever they should be and tell their responsible therapist about it... But I personally can't do anything, and hell, I understand them so much, but I can't help, I can't tell them, hell, I'm counting my steps too, I know how much calories that burns, I know how it feels, cause it could just screw up their whole therapy... So I made if upstairs, I'm finally in my small and dark office, it's calm there most of the time and I have a moment to breathe, cause when I made it upnthere I'm already on on verge of a panic attack... So I have to calm down before I start working, I have to calm down before going next door to say hi to my boss/therapist... And the problem is, even if I pull myselfntogether like hell, he knows, he always knows, I'm an open book... So there's the question I'm scared of 'how are you?' 'I'm fine. how are you?' sounds quite good so far, managed to smile a bit, I'm nearly convinced... 'No, you're not.' 'Yes, I am.' smile a bit more, perhaps tell any silly story about this morning, sth about my little one, cause that truely makes me happy... So I'm convinced, I'm fine... Then, depending on the time he has, he either lets go of me or this gets back and force until I finally break down and either just cry or get angry and tell him to f** off, yeah, I literally tell my boss to f** off... If he lets go of me, well, it will be continued later... I really love him, he's a great guy and Inrespect him, for a therapist he sometimes have weird techniques, he can be really rude, but he breaks my nutshell... So my workday is a mix of being in therapy and working... And I only just arrived.. so my breaks are like nonexistent, I don't like leaving my office, so I usually eat a banana and a cereal bar... Funny that my boss just ordered a new brand of nutrition drinks, these high calory shakes, and I could just try them, yeah, very sneaky... well, wanted to say no, hm, didn't work, the answer I got 'damn it, North, you're wearing pants you last wore 3 years ago, I know your f** size, drink the f** shakes or get a room here!' so, yeah, I'm drinking high calory shakes again and fughting the urge to throw up... Chocolate flavour kinda tastes ok... Told him to just order my old brand and I'll be ok with chocolate and strawberry... Lunch breaks are only good when my little one is there for therapy, then we go for a walk outside and I have lunch with him, we talk about his morning, what he did with his teacher, what he'll do in the afternoon, what we're going to do in the evening, well, yeah... So when I finally made it through work, without anybody interrupting me and breaking into the safety of my office, except patients, I'm ok with them being there and asking me about sth, then I have to make the whole way back home, same scary streets, same scary people, not even starting to talk about going to the supermarket, think of sth to make for dinner, when I feel my stomach rebell only at the thought of food... But ok, my little one needs to eat, my boys need to eat, so I have to... So I made it home, and it's a mess, like always... I don't care for toys toys everywhere, for clothes, or unorderly pillows, but dirty dishes, my not finished laundry and a floor floo needed some vacuum cleaning is just too much... So yeah, I try to accomplish at least one tiny thing, before I break down on the sofa... I try to do everything at once, play with my little one, listen to my boyfriend's day, folding clothes, watching tv, being on here... Yeah, it's all a bit much, but this damned day only has 24h.. we usually go to bed around 11pm, depending on his mood, little one either goes to bed in his own or in ours... There's always a huge fight in the bathroom about getting into the pjs, about washing, about brushing teeth, about having to go to bed... So if we finally made it to bed, we listen to some audiobook and my little one falls asleep immediately, sometimes my boyfriend and I talk a bit when he sleeps, sometimes I just lay awake for some time, overthinking everything, sometimes I get up, drink something, walk around a bit, go back to bed, get up again, sit on the sofa, smoke a cigarette, go back to bed, overthink a bit more, get up again, feeling my stomach turn, go back to bed, finally fall asleep... For like 2 hours, cause then the nightmares start, sometimes my own, but usually my little one is faster, so he wakes me up, he panics, he's sometimes just crying, sometimes he's furious, sometimes we have to hold him quite tight, both of us, cause he slashes around, hits himself, hits us... So we wake him and I take him to the living room, we sit on the sofa, I make him tea or hot chocolate, sometimes he just cries until the sun rises, sometimes he's happy again pretty soon, then he wants to read a book, watch a film or play sth... Sometimes we fall asleep on the sofa, snuggled together, sometimes we go back to bed and sleep another hour or two... And then it just starts all again....

Ok, that was a pretty exact description of my days... Between all of that I try to somehow heal, whatever that means... Sometimes when my little one wakes me at night, he wakes me from one of my nightmares, I confuse his and my nightmares, sometimes he talks about his nightmares when he wakes up, only then, I think he doesn't remember later... And those stories become my nightmares...

So, how am I? I have no idea, I'm lost... I feel like whatever I do, how hard I try, it's never enough... I never really left anything behind, I think like 20 years ago, I didn't move, I'm still locked up, the only difference is that now my prison is my mind, not a cold and wet cellar... Am I overreacting? Perhaps it all isn't that bad, and I'm just being hypersensitive... I have a good life and right now I feel like I'm throwing it away, I'm destryoing it somehow, again... And now I'm whining... Ok, I'll end this here...

9 replies
purpleWest8143 April 26th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 Big hugs friend. Life can be such a freaking rat race as it is and then throw in all the trauma and it becomes one giant sh*t show sometimes. This is surely not whining. I just got a pretty good glimpse into a day in your shoes. 😘

calmLake1999 April 26th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

*big safe hugs* North, I am so sorry that you go through this. I am here for whatever you may need. You are a very strong person North. And so compassionate, kind, caring! Love ya, give me a shout out if you need anything please because we love ya here and will be here for whatever you need, whether it be someone to hold your hand, tell you silly distracting stories, shoulder to cry on, or just a ton of hugs! So so mcuh love North!! heartheart

2 replies
courteousNorth5140 OP April 26th, 2018

@calmLake1999 @purpleWest8143 @wizeakre

Thank you for the words, the love, the hugs, the listening, and the holding my hand πŸ’• I appreciate all of it... And I love you all *hugs*

Back at crying, have to go to work...

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wontwakewontsleep April 26th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 - *hug* You are a wonderful person with a big heart. I really dislike it when people ask the How are question. Imagine we are at work with yiu, not judging or speaking or doing, just there with you in support ❀

4 replies
courteousNorth5140 OP April 26th, 2018

@wontwakewontsleep

I'm actually thinking of you a lot when I feel anxious, I'm trying to keep the picture of our blanket fort in mind, or I just imagine what you're all doing right now... And this How are you question, hm, I don't know, actually I like it when someone really wants to know, I think the problem right now is that I don't have an answer, or I don't like the answer myself, I don't want to answer it honestly to myself... You are all giving me a lot of strength πŸ’• thank you Wake *hugs*

3 replies
wontwakewontsleep April 26th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 - *hug* Yes, it's nice when someone cares about us. We care about you! Its hard for me to tell if How are you is a genuine question sometimes when people ask me. Someone once told me they preferred it when people asked How are you right now, instead of keeping it open ended... I dont know if that has an effect, but thought I would share with you my friend. Here's another tough question: How would you like to be? *hug*

2 replies
courteousNorth5140 OP April 26th, 2018

@wontwakewontsleep

Hm, there's much truth in it, my therapist always asks How are you today, so that's a bit like that, I guess it's not that overwhelming, you only have to think of a shorter time, not this how am I in general, cause the answer on that only can be, how much time do you have 😁

That's indeed a tough question, answered probably with lots of comparatives, better, taller, manlier, stronger, tougher, more normal... BUT I have a huge but here, cause I know on a good day I like being like I am, I can be strong, well, I can't be taller, even on my best day πŸ˜‚ but on a good day I don't mind being my tiny, girlish self... And normal is quite boring... But on bad days I just want to have a boring normal life, without all of this drama, without all of these memories, without these damned emotions.... But there will be good days again, I'm quite sure about that...

So, how would you like to be?

Btw, answering this question actually made me feel better *hugs* πŸ’•

1 reply
wontwakewontsleep April 27th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 - Absolutely when someone asks How are you, I wonder how fast I can tell them my entire life story haha. Aw, I am glad my question helped you to junk a little and maybe feel the tiniest better. I know you're working on thone comparions! I am working in that too, it's a habit to compare. ❀ Ah, was not expecting you to ask me back, but it's only fair! Haha. I want to be able to say "I am happy, I am free, I am at peace, I am healthy," or maybe just, I want to be ok with who I am. I guess we all do. Now just to figure out what that means to me and pursue it... sorry to take up too much space in your diary ❀ Keep writing letters!

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courteousNorth5140 OP April 26th, 2018

Putting a TRIGGER WARNING for anybody who's dealing with an eating disorder on here, cause I don't know where this will lead me...

Dear Anorexia,

I have no idea why you're hitting me so hard again right now. I know, you never really left me, but we somehow made peace with each other, it was an armistice without a winner, I thought we're ok with this. So why now? You had your time, you had your purpose, when I didn't have any control over my life, you gave me the idea of control, a way to control a tiny piece of my life, you gave me power over my body, you gave me strength to push myself, you showed me what I'm able to do...

when you first came to my life I've been 8 years old and I remember it very well, the first time I just refused to eat and that gave me some kind of power over my father for a moment, I found a way to say no... And I guess I got addicted to that feeling of power, it felt good to say no... Being with you felt like being with a friend when I didn't have anybody, you told me what I wanted to hear, that I don't deserve to eat, cause I am worthless, cause I am dirty, cause I am nothing... You told me I'm not good enough... And that's what I wanted to hear, you just approved my thoughts, and that's what friends do, they agree on things... And I listened to you for a long time, I did what you told me, I got up in the wee hours, to run like a maniac, to burn the little amount of food you let me eat... Even when my heart was near to giving up, even when I barely could walk without fainting, you pushed me forward and nothing could stop us, not even the heart attack or the stomach ulcers... I forgave you all of that, you nearly killed me and I forgave it, cause it's what I deserved, I didn't deserve to live a healthy life, I didn't deserve to live any life, I didn't deserve to live...

But then you made a mistake, you took my best friend... Yes, I know, it wasn't all your fault, there was more to it, but still, you were an accomplice... And at first I thought you would give me solace again, like you always did, but you didn't, you laughed at me, suddenly you told me how stupid I am for trusting you for so long, and I saw how much everybody around me is suffering from you, you were my friend, but then you turned your back at me, you made everybody I loved suffer... And it was my fault, cause I relied on you for so long... We started to fight badly and for a long time it seemed like you're going to win over me, you nearly defeated me, this one moment, I was ready to go... But then there was suddenly my precious little one, fighting with the same demons and we had this agreement, you can stay with me, calmly, hidden down below, but never keep me from living my life, never keep me from my little one, never make him suffer... And you faded more and more, you've only been a memory, a former friend, a former enemy...

So, why are you back now? Why are you telling me all those things again? I don't need you anymore, I don't want you to be part of my life anymore, I want to be free and I don't need your false freedom, I am strong without you, I don't need you to push me... I want to control my life myself, I'm able to that, cause now I have people who love me how I am and I deserve those people, I always did, you just made me blind for it...

I'm writing this just to let you know that I'll fight against you again, I'll fight and this time there won't be an armistice, I'll defeat you... Cause today you made my little one cry, cause you told me those things again, you told me I don't deserve to eat, you told me I'm worthless and I refused to eat, I sit in front of a full plate and couldn't eat and that scared my little one so much, cause he remembers how I've been, how horrible it was, you scared him, you made me scare my little one, he's scared I'm going to die... And I won't let you have this power over me anymore, you can hurt me, but not him, I won't let you... I am stronger than this, I am stronger than you cause I have love on my side, you only have suffering and death... You don't have answers, only more questions... But I have an answer, it's not me who doesn't deserve to live, you don't deserve to be in my life...

Goodbye old friend

North

3 replies
CaloenasNicobarica April 26th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

Apologies if I shouldn't be here right now... but I just wanted to say that I really respect your strength. That sounds like one hell of a fight. And it's amazing seeing how children give strength to those who they love. I believe in your strength, North.

Sending some safe hugs your way.

2 replies
CaloenasNicobarica April 26th, 2018

Sorry if I phrased that awkwardly and stupid. Meant that its amazing what children can spur in their parents or loved ones. Have known a lot of people who are still alive thanks to the love of their child and the strength to want to do well for them and show them love back.

1 reply
courteousNorth5140 OP April 27th, 2018

@CaloenasNicobarica

Hey, I'm glad you are here, so, nothing to apologize... Thank you very much for your words, yes you are absolutely right, I think without my little one by my side I wouldn't be here anymore... Sending you lots of hugs back πŸ’•

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calmLake1999 April 27th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

You are so strong North! *Safe hugs* πŸ’•

wontwakewontsleep April 27th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 - Powerful

1 reply
courteousNorth5140 OP April 27th, 2018

@wontwakewontsleep

Thank you Wake *hugs* don't feel powerful, though, but yes, I have powerful words 😁 have to read that again a few times to really believe what I wrote...

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courteousNorth5140 OP April 27th, 2018

Ok, I'm having a weird morning... I've been looking forward to it, cause I'm working a late shift and I'm all alone at home, even little one is out at the museum with his teacher, so I wanted to catch up with household, but now I'm just sitting here and can't move, shaking pretty badly... I'm scared of the noises outside, the sound of the key in the door to the attic next to our door startles me, memories floating all over me, should just shut the door to the living room, close the windows, but can't really move... I've never done that before, writing here in the mid if a panic attack, weird feeling, barely can't type... But again Calm gave me the courage, the idea to do this... Whenever I think of Calm, I think of calm, calm down, calm yourself, only your name name here grounds me, girl, you really chose the right name....

I'm going to take a week off from work, perhaps more... I'm not able to functiin right now... Feels like I'm a failure, like I'm giving up, giving in, like I'm running from it, I should just pull myself together, push through it, be stronger, be better, but f** it, just can't right now... Told my boss yesterday, he said it's fine, he'll check on me anyways, I'm sure he will, can't get rid of that guy 😁 well, the plan was going on a little holiday, we actually probably are going on a trip, well, we have tickets for Metallica on monday, christmas present from my man, been looking forward to it, well, of course, it's Metallica, but now I'm only scared, we have to fly to Berlin, take the train to Leipzig, people people people everywhere, crowds of people, noises, people and more people... But hell, Metallica!! So yeah, I probably will just push through this, try to find a calm place somewhere, on a metal concert πŸ˜‚ no, I mean, a somehow safe place, shielded by my huuuge man... But well, I have to leave my little one alone for two days, that's hard... He'll be taken care of, we're not living alone, and he's fine with it, but I know he doesn't think of the night, but I do... On the other hand I'm looking forward to being alonr with my man for a night... Well, on the other hand, hell, I have a lot of other hands, I don't know... Freaking out... Ok... Need to calm... Love you guys πŸ’•

4 replies
calmLake1999 April 27th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

*safe hugs* I can't find words right now but I'm sitting here with you. You are NOT a failure. You are a strong brave inspiring individual. Sometimes we need to take time to be the best us we can. And by being the best us sometimes we have to break a little to re find ourselves (this probs makes no sense). You deserve to look after you. I am happy to hear your boss is supportive. Excited for you to see Metallica and a little envious.. I can't do concerts too many people. Sending you lots of love and hugs. I'm here with you North πŸ’•

1 reply
courteousNorth5140 OP April 27th, 2018

@calmLake1999

Thank you Calm *hugs* I can't do concerts either πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ well, I've seen System of a Down last year, but that was open air, so much better... But it's Metallica, so I just have to have to have to... But perhaps that upcoming event is one of the reason my anxiety got worse lately, so that means afterwards it will get better, right? And you made perfectly sense about this breaking down sometimes... Like I said, sometimes we have to fall, just that there's no other way than up anymore...

Right now I'm freaking a bit, I should have taken a shower today, but I just couldn't get undressed completely, so no shower today, makes me feel really bad... But hell, honestly, this body... I have no idea how my man can handle touching it, I can't even look at it... Ok, enough, I'm sorry, that was probably tmi

1 reply
calmLake1999 April 27th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

Not too much info North. This is your diary share as much or as little as you want/need. I understand the body thing, I completely hate my body. I shower too often but with clothes on. Strange I know.. I hope that after the concert the anxiety eases... And I think it will be awesome to see Metallica live.. I hope to hear stories after πŸ’•

1 reply
courteousNorth5140 OP April 27th, 2018

@calmLake1999

I completely understand your showering patterns, it's sth I've been doing for quite a long time, too... For some time I've been quite ok with my body, right now it's just hitting me again... My little one has the same problem, taking a bath or a shower is always a huge fight, only getting dressed in the morning and undressed in the evening, well, I guess he doesn't really know why he reacts like that though, he just doesn't want it... So he can always leave his underwear on if he feels more comfortable with it, that's perfectly ok 😊 so, I think for you it's ok too if you feel more comfortable with it, one day it will get better *hugs*

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courteousNorth5140 OP April 27th, 2018

@calmLake1999

Thank younfor being here with me, Calm *hugs* I'll keep thinking of you today, to calm myself 😊 and cause I'm always trying to calm myself, you're on my mind quite all the time πŸ’•

1 reply
calmLake1999 April 27th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

Oh and my name was completely random LoL the numbers in my username though are ironic and triggering... I am here for you all the time just sometimes not able to answer πŸ’•

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wontwakewontsleep April 27th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 - Yay, Metallica!

You may feel like a failure, but you're far from one! How amazing and strong of you to recognize that you need to take a break for yourself. That shows courage, wisdom, strength, nothing like a failure at all. One of my personal rules is rat it's ok to take a break from trying to recover now and then, as long as we get back to it later. Recovery is exhausting! Hope you have plenty of good fun times to look forward to. Much love.

1 reply
courteousNorth5140 OP April 27th, 2018

@wontwakewontsleep

Thank you again Wake *hugs* I still feel like a failure, but it's somehow relieving coming back from work and knowing I don't have to be there again on monday, so it was probably the right decision... I love what you said about taking a break, that's absolutely true, we all need a break sometimes, and we have the right to have it...

And Yay! Metallica!!! 🀘🀘 I'm excited about it, I'm looking forward to seeing one of my favourite bands ever, but I'm freaking out scared of everything around... I really hope I'll be able to enjoy it a bit...

Sending you lots of love πŸ’•

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courteousNorth5140 OP April 27th, 2018

Had pizza for dinner... Well, whenever I ask my boys, what do you want for dinner, I get an unisono PIZZA!!! so yeah, I gave in, we ordered pizza, little one is happy, man is happy, everyone's happy, I'm fighting the urge to throw up... Although, the pizza was good, I love pizza and well, it would be a waste of food to just flush it, right? And I don't like wasting food... So, going to walk around a bit...

2 replies
courteousNorth5140 OP April 27th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

Damn it!! I'm at the wrong community here... No walking around! No damned shaming, no guilt! Sorry guys, had to tell that myself... I didn't want to start an eating diary here...

1 reply
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courteousNorth5140 OP April 28th, 2018

Ok, I'm going to hide for the rest of the day... Too much thinking... I'm sorry if I said anything wrong anywhere here... I'm just really too stupid for all of this here, I don't have words, I say the wrong things, I'm sorry that my thoughts aren't as elaborated, I even had to think about the word elaborated and still not sure if it's the right word... I just can't anymore...

5 replies
calmLake1999 April 28th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

North, I am sorry I am seeing this so long after you posted.. *safe hugs*.. You have been so supportive of me lately, you are so loved here North... Oh I just wanna give you a real hug right now, *hugs*, You are more than enough here North, you have kept me calm, you have kept me from retreating, you kept me from shutting my account. You are enough.. Sending you so much love and so many hugs!

2 replies
courteousNorth5140 OP April 29th, 2018

@calmLake1999

Don't worry Calm, it's all good.... I hope you got some rest? That's more important 😊 but thank you for your words *hugs* I feel a bit stupid, well, for feeling stupid, but I guess that's sth I'll never get over with... But I'll be ok 😊

1 reply
calmLake1999 April 29th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

More hugs... Love ya North... And nothing you say is stupid! Oh I got plenty of rest πŸ’•

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courteousNorth5140 OP May 2nd, 2018

@calmLake1999 @PerfectStorm426 @purpleWest8143 @CaloenasNicobaria @SingerCrystalSpirit @wontwakewontsleep @wizeakre

I'm coming back and the blanket fort isn't only messed up, it's just gone πŸ˜‚ haven't I told you to take care of it? πŸ˜‚ Only kidding, don't worry, I'm sure they'll soon be able to restore it... Holefully... If not we make a new one...

Cause of the lack of a blanket fort I'm tagging all of you here... So, I'm back from my trip and wanted to share some bits with all of you... So, they journey itself was horrible πŸ˜–πŸ˜³πŸ˜­πŸ˜±πŸ˜’πŸ˜§ not enough emojis... The airport was horrible, the flight was horrible, the train was slightly ok, but at the train I've already been so exhausted that I didn't care for anything anymore... Before the concert, standing outside with all the people was horrible... Inside we stayed at the back of the arena, near the stairs, you know, escape way.... We found a relatively calm place where I could sit down from time to time and the beer was near, so bf was happy with it too πŸ˜‚

But now the important: the concert was amazing! 😍 The support act, Kvelertak, was a good start, I think my man liked them more than Metallica πŸ˜‚ but for me Metallica really was amazing... I didn't see much of them, well, naturally in the back of the arena, but I don't have to see anything, just listening and feeling the music, the bass, just wow, really πŸ˜‚ and I didn't care for the crowd anymore, well, most of the time, I needed a few breaks, but that's ok... Oh and I even went to the merchandise booth and got shirts for us 😊 honestly so proud of me 😊 the show itself, well, I don't have words, the sound was great, they played everything you need to hear on a Metallica show, I liked the older songs better than the new ones, "The memory remains" was my favourite... And at "Nothing else matters" I thought of all of you really hard, perhaps you felt me sending you some love πŸ’• I'll post some pictures later, have to upload them first...

So now we're on our way to our little holiday cottage, I need some peace after the last days of excitment... Oh, the way back from Germany was funny, the thought of getting back on a plane drove me crazy, so we rented a car, returned it in Calais, went in the ferry, rented another car in Dover and drove back to London πŸ˜‚ yepp, a bit complicated and a tiny bit expensive and only a tiny bit longer, but the drive was fun 😊 and we're back safely and without any more panic attacks πŸ˜‚

I'll try to catch up with all of you as soon as possible, probably I'll be a bit busy until tomorrow evening, but I'm sending all of you lots of hugs and love πŸ’• hope you're all well *hugs*

1 reply
PerfectStorm426 May 2nd, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 awesome! I knew you'd love the show. A memory made for a lifetime.

calmLake1999 May 2nd, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

Aww I'm glad you enjoyed the show... Sorry the flights didn't go well but hey you did it!! Your awesome North!!! Sending you love and hugs back πŸ’•

purpleWest8143 May 2nd, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 oh sounds like both an amazing and overwhelming adventure! Glad you enjoyed the concert! And phooey on the suckey flight (I despise plane flights also although theyre beginning to get easier).

singercrystalspirit May 3rd, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

Wow, that sounds awesome!!!

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courteousNorth5140 OP May 3rd, 2018

Wanted to add the pics... They are really shitty 😁 so just a few impressions....

http://imgur.com/a/ijIQ1fS

Can't copy them directly somehow, they are too big, hope the link works...

3 replies
courteousNorth5140 OP May 3rd, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

Link didn't work, now it should work, sorry πŸ˜•

wontwakewontsleep May 3rd, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

Wow! Amazing concert photos. Looks like an amazing experience!

1 reply
courteousNorth5140 OP May 3rd, 2018

@wontwakewontsleep

Yes it was a great experience, it was Metallica after all!! πŸ€˜πŸ€˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ Didn't beat System of a Down though, that was just the greatest ever 😊

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