Letters

Ok, I think I just write a bit here, cause my wise therapist always tells me to just start talking instead of waiting for a question to answer... So yeeees, I'm starting to talk.... Give me a second....

Ok, so, there are some thoughts on my mind, actually since I'm here... So I already shared some fractures of my past here, I guess opening up here is anstep forward... I met people here I'm really starting to trust, I might even start to believe they actually like me... So, steps forward... This site, this safe space here, it helps me, it really does, I'm not feeling that lonely anymore, I have people around me I can share things with, the good and the bad... BUT I'm asking myself for some time if I really ever will heal completely, if that is even possible... And, most important, how can I know that I have healed completely, like how can I know that the state I'm in right now isn't the best I can get... I just think I made a huge progress durung the last years, I've overcome a lot and actually I'm living a good life, I love my man, I love my little one, I'm living with people I can call my family, I have a job I like, I even have a therapist I like, well, he's also my boss, so I even like my boss... I have a great home, I love living here, I accepted myself, I am ok with my sexuality, my health is quite under control... i know my strengths, I am aware of my weaknesses, I know myself quite well... So, I should be happy, right? My therapist always tells me no shoulds, woulds, coulds 😁 ok, so differently, hm... Why am I not happy? Perhaps the wrong question, cause I am happy, except when I'm sad 😂 so, why am I still sad? What am I expecting? I have more than I ever expected from life, I actually HAVE a life... And that's why I think I might have reached my highest point of healing, perhaps that's how I am, that' who I am...

But then again, there are doors I haven't opened yet, there are things I haven't talked about, there are bottled up emotions and fears... And that scares me a lot... So if I give up on this whole healing thing, if I just say I'm done with it, I'm ok like it is now, what if the doors get cracks and break open unintentionally? Well, I've overcome so much, but I feel like I used all the strength I had for this... There's nothing left to face the last bits... And I'm worried that if I start opening those forgotten doors, there might appear more of them... I am quite good at botteling up emotions and supressing memories... Until about 10 years ago I've been quite sure the first time my father sexually abused me was at about age 14 and then suddenly the memories came back... So what if there's more? And how can I know? I'm just scared of falling again, I think I just can't get up again...

And well, my healing so far was also quite exhausting for the people around me, they've been there for me the last 16 years and it was a hard time, a very hard time... And I just feel like I can't do that to them again, cause I know that they would be there for me again and still and always, but I don't want them to have to go through this again... And well, there's this tiny voice inside of me, what if they've got enough? They both left me for some time, they came back, we reconciled, halpy family again, all good, but they did it once, what if they'll do it again, what if they leave for good? I honestly can't survive without them... Some people will think while reading this, people who leave you at your worst aren't meant to be in your life, or sth like that... Well, they didn't leave me at my worst, they left me at their own worst, when they just couldn't handle it anymore, cause we're all human, we all have our limits... So I don't blame them for leaving, but I can't risk that happening again...

Ok, I have no idea what I'm typing here... Well, the better I know some of you, the easier and the harder it gets to open up... Easier cause I trust you that you won't laugh at me, the harder cause you're no strangers anymore and I don't want to burden any of you with my shit.... So this is all I can write right now...

I should work on a new letter... I have to get that out of my mind... But I just can't right now, I just don't want to feel that again... Ok, enough now... I'll be ok 😊

I've been feeling really weird lately, somehow overly emotional, somehow completely empty... I'm so fed up with just always feeling anything I can't really explain... I still can't bring myself to posting the next letter, there are a few possibilities, but I just can't... Perhaps all of this was a silly idea, well, my therapist was absolutley happy as I told him about those letters, I always loved writing, I used to write a lot , but well, I'm not a good writer and well, I feel like my brain just works too slowly, I can't find the right words, I can't even find the inappropriate words and I somehow have to find the right words, cause I don't want to trigger anybody... I thought about writing about a letter to my anorexia, but that would definitely be triggering, sth about the drugs, yeah, triggering and I think I don't want to write about the drugs, it makes me feel weak, cause I've been too weak... That's somehow my word, that's how I feel... I know I survived all of that, but I didn't have a choice, surviving wasn't my decision somehow, I did everything to not survive it... I just wrote in our check in my little one is my reason to live, yeah, he is... But most of the time I think he would be better off without me, he still would be loved... I want this so much, I want to give him hope, love and a home, but it's tearing me apart... His memories, my memories, it's all mixed up on my silly not really working brain... So today my leg hurt really badly and my hand kept shaking the whole day, how can I leave my past behind me if it always reminds me... I haven't eaten today, the advantage of my late shifts, nobody watches my eating... Is it an advantage? Well I just wrote that, so I obviously think it is... I'm working in a psychiatric clinic, my therapist, my boss, has lots of teenagers and children with eating disorders as patients, the walk into my office every day, wait for their appointment, chat with me... There's this girl, 13 years old, she came to the clinic more dead than alive, she's there for more than 4 weeks already, last week I found her on the stairs, jumping up and down the stairs, to burn calories, today she came to my office and told me she was rewarded for eating a whole lunch today and I congratulated her, I've been so happy for her... I ate a banana and a cereal bar today and I feel like a hypocrite... My little one has nightmares every night, he wakes up screaming, crying... Then sit down on the sofa, I make him tea or hot chocolate, I tell him that it only was a dream, that it's over, that nothing can hurt him... It all feels like a lie... I feel like a liar, I am not strong, I am weak, I can't take away his pain, I can't heal him, I can't even heal myself...

I'm sorry

Ok, I'm just starting to type type now, no idea what about... I'm an emotional disaster... Lately when somebody asks me how I am, I have a hard time holding back my tears... How am I? How am I feeling? I am constantly confused and overwhelmed, I am hypersensitive, every noise startles me, more than two people in a room scare me, closed rooms scare me, being outside scares me... I often go to work by taxi, cause I can't use public transport, but lately I felt uncomfortable in a taxi alone only with the driver, so I told myself, ok, it's spring, I can go by bicycle... But the last few days I felt uncomfortable on the bicycle as well, you're so exposed there, the traffic is so close and well, I'm not really good on ohe bicycle, so I feel quite uneasy... It's the traffic, it's the noise, it's the people on the street, when I have to stop at a red light, I could fall, somebody could hit me with the car, somebody could come after me... When I finally made it to work, I have to walk in there, there is a reception, I like the reception girls, but when one of them says hi or good morning, I would like to just turn around on the heels and run away... Ok, so I made it across the hall, of course I don't use the elevator, too tight, too dark, too scary, so I walk the stairs and that's a huge challenge, cause my leg le behaving so weird again lately, so I more stumble upstairs, always afraid of stumbling over my stupid feet... The stairs are usually locked and only for staff, cause our tricky patients love to use the stairs to burn some extra calories, but sometimes the doors aren't locked and they somehow always find out immediately, so it can happen that I catch one jumping up and down the stairs and what a surprise, that situation scares me, it overwhelms me, I don't know how to react, well, of course I know, I'm a staff member, so they know what to expect, I'll take them with me to their room or wherever they should be and tell their responsible therapist about it... But I personally can't do anything, and hell, I understand them so much, but I can't help, I can't tell them, hell, I'm counting my steps too, I know how much calories that burns, I know how it feels, cause it could just screw up their whole therapy... So I made if upstairs, I'm finally in my small and dark office, it's calm there most of the time and I have a moment to breathe, cause when I made it upnthere I'm already on on verge of a panic attack... So I have to calm down before I start working, I have to calm down before going next door to say hi to my boss/therapist... And the problem is, even if I pull myselfntogether like hell, he knows, he always knows, I'm an open book... So there's the question I'm scared of 'how are you?' 'I'm fine. how are you?' sounds quite good so far, managed to smile a bit, I'm nearly convinced... 'No, you're not.' 'Yes, I am.' smile a bit more, perhaps tell any silly story about this morning, sth about my little one, cause that truely makes me happy... So I'm convinced, I'm fine... Then, depending on the time he has, he either lets go of me or this gets back and force until I finally break down and either just cry or get angry and tell him to f** off, yeah, I literally tell my boss to f** off... If he lets go of me, well, it will be continued later... I really love him, he's a great guy and Inrespect him, for a therapist he sometimes have weird techniques, he can be really rude, but he breaks my nutshell... So my workday is a mix of being in therapy and working... And I only just arrived.. so my breaks are like nonexistent, I don't like leaving my office, so I usually eat a banana and a cereal bar... Funny that my boss just ordered a new brand of nutrition drinks, these high calory shakes, and I could just try them, yeah, very sneaky... well, wanted to say no, hm, didn't work, the answer I got 'damn it, North, you're wearing pants you last wore 3 years ago, I know your f** size, drink the f** shakes or get a room here!' so, yeah, I'm drinking high calory shakes again and fughting the urge to throw up... Chocolate flavour kinda tastes ok... Told him to just order my old brand and I'll be ok with chocolate and strawberry... Lunch breaks are only good when my little one is there for therapy, then we go for a walk outside and I have lunch with him, we talk about his morning, what he did with his teacher, what he'll do in the afternoon, what we're going to do in the evening, well, yeah... So when I finally made it through work, without anybody interrupting me and breaking into the safety of my office, except patients, I'm ok with them being there and asking me about sth, then I have to make the whole way back home, same scary streets, same scary people, not even starting to talk about going to the supermarket, think of sth to make for dinner, when I feel my stomach rebell only at the thought of food... But ok, my little one needs to eat, my boys need to eat, so I have to... So I made it home, and it's a mess, like always... I don't care for toys toys everywhere, for clothes, or unorderly pillows, but dirty dishes, my not finished laundry and a floor floo needed some vacuum cleaning is just too much... So yeah, I try to accomplish at least one tiny thing, before I break down on the sofa... I try to do everything at once, play with my little one, listen to my boyfriend's day, folding clothes, watching tv, being on here... Yeah, it's all a bit much, but this damned day only has 24h.. we usually go to bed around 11pm, depending on his mood, little one either goes to bed in his own or in ours... There's always a huge fight in the bathroom about getting into the pjs, about washing, about brushing teeth, about having to go to bed... So if we finally made it to bed, we listen to some audiobook and my little one falls asleep immediately, sometimes my boyfriend and I talk a bit when he sleeps, sometimes I just lay awake for some time, overthinking everything, sometimes I get up, drink something, walk around a bit, go back to bed, get up again, sit on the sofa, smoke a cigarette, go back to bed, overthink a bit more, get up again, feeling my stomach turn, go back to bed, finally fall asleep... For like 2 hours, cause then the nightmares start, sometimes my own, but usually my little one is faster, so he wakes me up, he panics, he's sometimes just crying, sometimes he's furious, sometimes we have to hold him quite tight, both of us, cause he slashes around, hits himself, hits us... So we wake him and I take him to the living room, we sit on the sofa, I make him tea or hot chocolate, sometimes he just cries until the sun rises, sometimes he's happy again pretty soon, then he wants to read a book, watch a film or play sth... Sometimes we fall asleep on the sofa, snuggled together, sometimes we go back to bed and sleep another hour or two... And then it just starts all again....

Ok, that was a pretty exact description of my days... Between all of that I try to somehow heal, whatever that means... Sometimes when my little one wakes me at night, he wakes me from one of my nightmares, I confuse his and my nightmares, sometimes he talks about his nightmares when he wakes up, only then, I think he doesn't remember later... And those stories become my nightmares...

So, how am I? I have no idea, I'm lost... I feel like whatever I do, how hard I try, it's never enough... I never really left anything behind, I think like 20 years ago, I didn't move, I'm still locked up, the only difference is that now my prison is my mind, not a cold and wet cellar... Am I overreacting? Perhaps it all isn't that bad, and I'm just being hypersensitive... I have a good life and right now I feel like I'm throwing it away, I'm destryoing it somehow, again... And now I'm whining... Ok, I'll end this here...

Putting a TRIGGER WARNING for anybody who's dealing with an eating disorder on here, cause I don't know where this will lead me...

Dear Anorexia,

I have no idea why you're hitting me so hard again right now. I know, you never really left me, but we somehow made peace with each other, it was an armistice without a winner, I thought we're ok with this. So why now? You had your time, you had your purpose, when I didn't have any control over my life, you gave me the idea of control, a way to control a tiny piece of my life, you gave me power over my body, you gave me strength to push myself, you showed me what I'm able to do...

when you first came to my life I've been 8 years old and I remember it very well, the first time I just refused to eat and that gave me some kind of power over my father for a moment, I found a way to say no... And I guess I got addicted to that feeling of power, it felt good to say no... Being with you felt like being with a friend when I didn't have anybody, you told me what I wanted to hear, that I don't deserve to eat, cause I am worthless, cause I am dirty, cause I am nothing... You told me I'm not good enough... And that's what I wanted to hear, you just approved my thoughts, and that's what friends do, they agree on things... And I listened to you for a long time, I did what you told me, I got up in the wee hours, to run like a maniac, to burn the little amount of food you let me eat... Even when my heart was near to giving up, even when I barely could walk without fainting, you pushed me forward and nothing could stop us, not even the heart attack or the stomach ulcers... I forgave you all of that, you nearly killed me and I forgave it, cause it's what I deserved, I didn't deserve to live a healthy life, I didn't deserve to live any life, I didn't deserve to live...

But then you made a mistake, you took my best friend... Yes, I know, it wasn't all your fault, there was more to it, but still, you were an accomplice... And at first I thought you would give me solace again, like you always did, but you didn't, you laughed at me, suddenly you told me how stupid I am for trusting you for so long, and I saw how much everybody around me is suffering from you, you were my friend, but then you turned your back at me, you made everybody I loved suffer... And it was my fault, cause I relied on you for so long... We started to fight badly and for a long time it seemed like you're going to win over me, you nearly defeated me, this one moment, I was ready to go... But then there was suddenly my precious little one, fighting with the same demons and we had this agreement, you can stay with me, calmly, hidden down below, but never keep me from living my life, never keep me from my little one, never make him suffer... And you faded more and more, you've only been a memory, a former friend, a former enemy...

So, why are you back now? Why are you telling me all those things again? I don't need you anymore, I don't want you to be part of my life anymore, I want to be free and I don't need your false freedom, I am strong without you, I don't need you to push me... I want to control my life myself, I'm able to that, cause now I have people who love me how I am and I deserve those people, I always did, you just made me blind for it...

I'm writing this just to let you know that I'll fight against you again, I'll fight and this time there won't be an armistice, I'll defeat you... Cause today you made my little one cry, cause you told me those things again, you told me I don't deserve to eat, you told me I'm worthless and I refused to eat, I sit in front of a full plate and couldn't eat and that scared my little one so much, cause he remembers how I've been, how horrible it was, you scared him, you made me scare my little one, he's scared I'm going to die... And I won't let you have this power over me anymore, you can hurt me, but not him, I won't let you... I am stronger than this, I am stronger than you cause I have love on my side, you only have suffering and death... You don't have answers, only more questions... But I have an answer, it's not me who doesn't deserve to live, you don't deserve to be in my life...

Goodbye old friend

North

Ok, I'm having a weird morning... I've been looking forward to it, cause I'm working a late shift and I'm all alone at home, even little one is out at the museum with his teacher, so I wanted to catch up with household, but now I'm just sitting here and can't move, shaking pretty badly... I'm scared of the noises outside, the sound of the key in the door to the attic next to our door startles me, memories floating all over me, should just shut the door to the living room, close the windows, but can't really move... I've never done that before, writing here in the mid if a panic attack, weird feeling, barely can't type... But again Calm gave me the courage, the idea to do this... Whenever I think of Calm, I think of calm, calm down, calm yourself, only your name name here grounds me, girl, you really chose the right name....

I'm going to take a week off from work, perhaps more... I'm not able to functiin right now... Feels like I'm a failure, like I'm giving up, giving in, like I'm running from it, I should just pull myself together, push through it, be stronger, be better, but f** it, just can't right now... Told my boss yesterday, he said it's fine, he'll check on me anyways, I'm sure he will, can't get rid of that guy 😁 well, the plan was going on a little holiday, we actually probably are going on a trip, well, we have tickets for Metallica on monday, christmas present from my man, been looking forward to it, well, of course, it's Metallica, but now I'm only scared, we have to fly to Berlin, take the train to Leipzig, people people people everywhere, crowds of people, noises, people and more people... But hell, Metallica!! So yeah, I probably will just push through this, try to find a calm place somewhere, on a metal concert 😂 no, I mean, a somehow safe place, shielded by my huuuge man... But well, I have to leave my little one alone for two days, that's hard... He'll be taken care of, we're not living alone, and he's fine with it, but I know he doesn't think of the night, but I do... On the other hand I'm looking forward to being alonr with my man for a night... Well, on the other hand, hell, I have a lot of other hands, I don't know... Freaking out... Ok... Need to calm... Love you guys 💕

Had pizza for dinner... Well, whenever I ask my boys, what do you want for dinner, I get an unisono PIZZA!!! so yeah, I gave in, we ordered pizza, little one is happy, man is happy, everyone's happy, I'm fighting the urge to throw up... Although, the pizza was good, I love pizza and well, it would be a waste of food to just flush it, right? And I don't like wasting food... So, going to walk around a bit...

Ok, I'm going to hide for the rest of the day... Too much thinking... I'm sorry if I said anything wrong anywhere here... I'm just really too stupid for all of this here, I don't have words, I say the wrong things, I'm sorry that my thoughts aren't as elaborated, I even had to think about the word elaborated and still not sure if it's the right word... I just can't anymore...

@calmLake1999 @PerfectStorm426 @purpleWest8143 @CaloenasNicobaria @SingerCrystalSpirit @wontwakewontsleep @wizeakre

I'm coming back and the blanket fort isn't only messed up, it's just gone 😂 haven't I told you to take care of it? 😂 Only kidding, don't worry, I'm sure they'll soon be able to restore it... Holefully... If not we make a new one...

Cause of the lack of a blanket fort I'm tagging all of you here... So, I'm back from my trip and wanted to share some bits with all of you... So, they journey itself was horrible 😖😳😭😱😢😧 not enough emojis... The airport was horrible, the flight was horrible, the train was slightly ok, but at the train I've already been so exhausted that I didn't care for anything anymore... Before the concert, standing outside with all the people was horrible... Inside we stayed at the back of the arena, near the stairs, you know, escape way.... We found a relatively calm place where I could sit down from time to time and the beer was near, so bf was happy with it too 😂

But now the important: the concert was amazing! 😍 The support act, Kvelertak, was a good start, I think my man liked them more than Metallica 😂 but for me Metallica really was amazing... I didn't see much of them, well, naturally in the back of the arena, but I don't have to see anything, just listening and feeling the music, the bass, just wow, really 😂 and I didn't care for the crowd anymore, well, most of the time, I needed a few breaks, but that's ok... Oh and I even went to the merchandise booth and got shirts for us 😊 honestly so proud of me 😊 the show itself, well, I don't have words, the sound was great, they played everything you need to hear on a Metallica show, I liked the older songs better than the new ones, "The memory remains" was my favourite... And at "Nothing else matters" I thought of all of you really hard, perhaps you felt me sending you some love 💕 I'll post some pictures later, have to upload them first...

So now we're on our way to our little holiday cottage, I need some peace after the last days of excitment... Oh, the way back from Germany was funny, the thought of getting back on a plane drove me crazy, so we rented a car, returned it in Calais, went in the ferry, rented another car in Dover and drove back to London 😂 yepp, a bit complicated and a tiny bit expensive and only a tiny bit longer, but the drive was fun 😊 and we're back safely and without any more panic attacks 😂

I'll try to catch up with all of you as soon as possible, probably I'll be a bit busy until tomorrow evening, but I'm sending all of you lots of hugs and love 💕 hope you're all well *hugs*

Wanted to add the pics... They are really shitty 😁 so just a few impressions....

http://imgur.com/a/ijIQ1fS

Can't copy them directly somehow, they are too big, hope the link works...