Letters
I've been trying to write down my thoughts for ages, I never found the courage to actually do it... So this is just a try, I'm not a good writer, not a good talker, not if it's about myself... There are just a few things I have to get off my chest, and it's somehow easier to adress this to the people I'm talking about, so this will be a letter diary... So far I've only written one, perhaps it will be the only one, but the plan is to write more...
I tried to write it as careful as possible, but still....
++++TRIGGER WARNING+++ could trigger those of you who experienced abuse and/or violence++++TRIGGER WARNING++++childhood trauma++++
Dear father,
It's almost 16 years since I saw you for the last time, 16 years without your terror, 16 years, half of my life... With every day more I've spent more time without you than with you... And still, you're haunting me every day... I see you in every man with a blue shirt, I hear you in every raised voice, I feel you in every nightmare... I'm telling myself I'm over it, the last half of my life has been so much better, the good overweighs the bad, the horror is over... I am happy with my life, I have people around me who love me and which I love more than my life... Oh and yeah, even if you tried to cast that out of me like exorcising a demon, I'm happily in love with a man, perhaps abusing your son wasn't the best way of curing him of a misguided sexuality....
talking about raising a son, we have a son, he's a wonderful human, he's so kind, so sensitive and fragile, scared of the world and the people in it, but he's amazing, you would hate him, cause he's like me, he's different and he's broken but yet so perfect and I would protect him with my life... It is so easy to raise a child, they are so perfect as they are, all they need is a bit of affection, a helping hand every now and then, a gentle touch, a loving word, that's all... For your children you are god and you were mine, a vicious god, a disgusting and overwhelming god... You destroyed me a billion times, you broke me in pieces, with every punch, every kick, every broken bone, every bruise... You shattered my soul with every touch and I've been a good boy, because of the little presents you left on my nightstand, I thought that's normal, I thought that's how it has to be and of course nobody talks about it cause you don't want anybody be envious of the presents you got... I knew others didn't get presents, so I thought they probably didn't behave well enough or they aren't as loved as me... The others thought I have a great father, cause of course I told them about my presents, not what I did for getting them, cause then they would do that too and would get presents, but I showed them around... And well, the bruises, the broken bones, after all I've been a boy, a very fragile boy... And people tend to see what they want to see, a little boy who's quite clumsy, who loves to ride, who loves to dance, who loves to be inside and who's just a bit quieter than others, nothing to worry about... Nobody knew how I spent my weekends, that according to my behaviour I either spent them in my room or in my cellar room... Nobody knew that I couldn't decide if liked it better to be a good boy or a bad boy, what's better, a bruised body or a bruised soul? Pest or cholera? In the end it didn't matter, that's what I started to realize as I grew up, no matter what I did, how I behaved or not behaved, how I tried to be... Normal boys climb on trees, that's sth you once told me... I tried that, and I liked it, cause I always liked trees, but my trousers got dirty and you made me decide between the belt, the branch or the crop... I prefered the crop, hurts more during the beating, but heals better...
After all those years, I honestly would like to talk to you, have a totally neutral and reasonable conversation with you... I would really like to know why you did that, how it feels to abuse your own son again and again, how it feels to be satisfied by your own son, how it feels to see your son starving himself, cause eating is the only part of his life he is able to control, how it feels when the arm of a tiny 14 year old breaks under your hand. I'd like to know if you really thought you were right. But you knew you aren't right, cause if, you wouldn't have found excuses for the doctors who took care of my bones... Of course you knew that, you've never been dumb, you've always been so proud of all your degrees and your success, so certainly not dumb... But a man has to be tough to be that succesful, right? You know what? I am a man and I am f** tough, I survived, I may be broken, but I'm not defeated and I still can be a loving parent, I still can love my man, I still can be tiny, I still can wear make up if I feel like that, I still can have long hair, nothing of that makes me be less of a man... You couldn't defeat me, you couldn't change how I am, you only made me stronger, you made me more sensible for the cruel world we're living in, you made me more understanding for people's needs, you made me be more me, not less me... And in the end you were right 'you get what you deserve' wasn't that your favourite saying before beating me up? We all get what we deserve, I got a loving family....
Your son
Here on the Isle in our cottage we have a garden, it's all really green right now, we have a huge lilac bush, more like a tree, it's blooming like crazy atm and the scent is just amazing... We also have a few rhododendrons, white, pink and purple, the white one is blooming already, seems like everything blooms a bit early this year... On the right side there are raspberries, blackberries and strawberries... Last year we had so many raspberries, I think I still have some in the freezer... The strawberries are those tiny ones, not the ones you can buy at the supermarket, it's the ones which grow in the forrest, my little one loves them... The weather was quite nice today, we've been at the beach, there's a stone wall around our garden and a little door in the stonewall leading down to the beach, it's really close, I can hear the waves right now, should be calming, isn't though... The wind is quite strong and wind always makes me nervous somehow... There are lots of birds in our garden and everywhere around, don't know their names, but I just love all those tiny guys visiting me on my terrace... We also have two apple trees, they don't grow many fruits, probably they are quite old, but I like them anyways, I just love trees... And I love forests... I've never been to the Forest of Dean, one of the locations where Harry Potter was shot, the last part, or I guess the firat part of the last book, it looks so beautiful and calm in the film, don't know if it's like that in reality, there are cottages to rent there, so probably it's quite crowded, like everything on our tiny island... I should perhaps move to Calm's future land or to New Zealand or to a desert, no there are no trees, so New Zealand would be nice, they speak English, and there's lot of space... Ok, this helps a bit... I like the sounds of the garden, the birds, the leaves, the sea, those are noises I like, although the waves are scaring me today, but no, I like the sea, I like being at the sea, it's beautiful to just watch the sea, the horizon, seeing nothing else but the sea... I like the lonliness here, right now it scares me, but normally I like it.... We should stay here a bit longer, I'm definitely not ready to go back to work on monday... I really have to do anything, I'm feeling like I'm going to explode any time soon, or perhaps introverts like me implode? Like just a little silent poof and I'm gone... Or I really explode, like burst out, sometimes that happens, happened in the past, not a nice thing, neither for myself nor for the people around me, I remember those times pretty clearly, not so nice memories... I have to do sth about it, I need to run, to scream, just anything... But I can't run right now, I can barely walk and I can't scream, I can barely talk... All I can do is cry, or I would cry if I could, but can't cry in front of little one, have to be string for him, but I'm barely holding on... I think the birds are slowly going to bed right now, lots of tweeting going on here, they are having dinner probably... Ok, I'm going to try some of my exercises now, having bad thoughts
@courteousNorth5140 - *safe hugs*
Wow, it sounds like you are in a beautiful place, with beautiful sounds and beautiful scenery. Hose are some of my favorite sounds too. The way you describe, it sounds almost like a beautiful dream. Thank you for sharing and much love to you North ❤
Ok, I just had this in my feed:
So what if I can check 1-10? Ok, perhaps except 8 and 9... So probably not a co plete relapse yet, pheew... So, I'm trying to work on number 4, I'm reaching out, I mean typing here is reaching out somehow, right?
Ok, so today I had an awful argument with my boyfriend. We don't argue very often, not anymore. So, it started with my boyfriend asking me when I want to go back home tomorrow and I told him I don't feel like going back to the city yet, I need some time in the calmness of the Isle. Well, he said we can't stay longer, he has to go back to work on monday, I told him I'll stay alone with little one and then it started somehow. He said I can't stay alone here, what if anything happens, I can't even go to the supermarket alone, what if I can't calm little one at night, what if he gets agressive again, what if I can't get out of bed. And little one needs his therapies, I need my therapies, we don't have enough nutrition drinks here, he just knows I won't eat, so what if I break down. Yeah, what if I break down? Hell, that made me so angry, I started to shout, shouting at him I fucking already am breaking down right now, there isn't a what if. So yeah, we shouted at each other for some time and then he just stormed out, like usually... It just makes me so angry I know he is right, I can't stay alone, but it just sucks so so much that I am so dependent, as if I'm still a child, I'm a fucking adult and I'm just not able to handle my life on my own. I am a danger for myself, I'm a danger for my little one and nobody trusts me, my boyfriend doesn't trust me. I asked him what he thinks will happen, that I jump off that damned cliff? He said yes, either me or little one. And that's just bullshit, I don't have any suicidal thoughts, no real ones. He just doesn't trust me, he can't trust me. And I just freaked out, it scared me, the shouting, the emotions, and the worst is, it scared the shit out of my little one. He started to cry as my boyfriend left and he asked me if he's going to come back. So I had to pull myself together again, reassure him that he'll come back, that everything will be ok, that it was only an argument, I apologized that he heard it and I guess it was ok again, but he doesn't leave my side since that... And I just can't help it, but I just have to think this is completely my fault, cause I'm just not able to handle anything on my own. My boyfriend came back though, but he's pissed, we didn't talk... I have no idea what will happen next, perhaps he'll just leave without another word, perhaps he'll take my little one with him, perhaps he'll just pack me in the car, perhaps I'll just go with him, it's not worth fighting over this and actually it's not about staying or leaving... I'm scared he'll leave me... That's all for now...
@courteousNorth5140
Oh, he also told me that he had to give up his job as a nurse because of th night shifts, cause he can't leave me and little one alone at night, so that's obviously my fault too...
Ok, so, little update
We somehow talked it out yesterday, well, I feel like I didn't talk out anything, I just agreed with him. I know everything he says or said is just because he loves me and he's worried and that's actually sth positive, right? That somebody cares for me. He could be indifferent and just leave me, but well, he's not. He knows me, he knows how I am, how I feel, even if I don't say a word. He saw me in any possible state of emotion, so yeah, he's right, I just can't be left alone, I just can't handle it alone, I need him. That sucks, but it is like it is. So we somehow mad a compromise, we'll stay until tuesday and then we'll go back, so I got two more days. Hm, I guess it just hurts me to see how dependend on him I am. But yeah, it is like it is.
I know this is completely silly, but honestly, why can't I just be normal? Just a completely normal balanced human being... Just for once...I'm so fed up with this... I just want peace, just silence, calmness, a calm mind, a calm heart... I just want to be able to eat when I'm hungry, sleep when I'm tired, take a shower when I need to and just have sex when I feel like... Not when I have a good day, when I'm in a good mood or when I'm strong enough to beat any demons before... That's all I'm asking for, no happiness, no luck, no happily ever after, just the really simplest needs of a human... But no, I have to be thankful for good days, when I am able to eat, and I have to be so fucking grateful for being able to take a shower,cause I've gone through so fucking much and this is all I get, this fucking weak thing, this damned ugly sth... I'm sorry, I just don't want anymore, there are just too many thoughts on my mind, it drives me crazy and I just can't get it out, it scares me so much... I need to calm down and I just don't know how anymore, I don't know anything anymore... I'm sorry
@courteousNorth5140
*Long hugs* I'm here with you North. I understand the feeling.. but you are great the way you are. It freaking sucks what has happened to you, that the chance to have a 'normal' life was taken away. But you are so much stronger than those considered normal. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Sending you much love!! 💕💕💕💕
@calmLake1999
Thank you Calm... I just have no idea right now, I feel so silly, honestly, I'd just like to get it all out of my system somehow...
@courteousNorth5140
*more hugs* 💕 your not silly at all.. your doing great venting here
@courteousNorth5140 - *hugs*
Disturbed - The Light
Like an unsung melody
The truth is waiting there for you to find it
It's not a blight, but a remedy
A clear reminder of how it began
Deep inside your memory
Turned away as you struggled to find it
You heard the call as you walked away
A voice of calm from within the silence
And for what seemed an eternity
You're waiting, hoping it would call out again
You heard the shadow reckoning
Then your fears seemed to keep you blinded
You held your guard as you walked away
When you think all is forsaken
Listen to me now (all is not forsaken)
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness can show you the light
An unforgivable tragedy
The answer isn't' where you think you'd find it
Prepare yourself for the reckoning
For when your world seems to crumble again
Don't be afraid, don't turn away
Youre the one who can redefine it
Don't let hope become a memory
Let the shadow permeate your mind and
Reveal the thoughts that were tucked away
So that the door can be opened again
Within your darkest memories
Lies the answer if you dare to find it
Don't let hope become a memory
When you think all is forsaken
Listen to me now (all is not forsaken)
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness can show you the light, beautiful
Sickening, weakening
Don't let another somber pariah consume your soul
You need strengthening, toughening
It takes an inner dark to rekindle the fire burning in you
Ignite the fire within you
When you think all is forsaken
Listen to me now (all is not forsaken)
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness can show you the light
Don't ignore, listen to me now (all is not forsaken)
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness
Can show you the light
@courteousNorth5140
Oooh I love disturbed too I was listening to warrior last night 
For the last hour I tried to calm my little one, he's been quite anxious and whiny the whole day, didn't leave me for a second... We had a few tiny dramas the whole day, about packing the bags, about going back home, about having breakfast, about having lunch, about having dinner and now finally about going to bed, or more specifically about getting into the pyjamas... Well, that's not a new discussion, none of those little diacussions are new, sometimes it's better and sometimes like today it's worse... Hm, since I'm here, in this trauma family, I started to think a lot about my trauma, not only the actual trauma, but the effects of it, how it affects my whole life... All of our stories here are horrible for each of us... But we are able to be here, we are able to reach out, I am able to write this right now, we are all on our way of healing... My little one isn't able to do anything like that, he can't express the pain he feels... When he has to get undressed for bed, he's just freaking scared, he doesn't know why, he reacts like a wild animal, it's just his instinct, he can't explain it, he can't tell me, he can only scream and sometimes, like today he fights against me like crazy... I would never do anything what harms him in any way, I'm trying absolutely everything to help him, to be there for him, like the getting undressed thing, we tried letting him alone, we tried letting him sleep in his clothes, although my therapist said that's nit the best way, we tried it slowly, we tried it with long pyjamas, short pyjamas, we tried it with giving him a blanket to change clothes under it, just everything we or any therapist could think of... Today he hit me quite badly at the temple, I didn't even touch him, of course not, I never touch him, and it wasn't intentionally, he just got scared and freaked out, it's not his fault, but it shocked me and hell, it hurt, only a little cut on on eybrow, but it made me tear up... So yeah, little one then hid under his blanket and I just sat next to the bed on the floor, reading him Sherlock Holmes until he finally fell asleep... And now its 1:25am and I probably have about half an hour left until he wakes again... I really don't want to complain about my little one, I never would, he is my everything and I'd do everything for him... Am I complaining? I think I forgot what my intial thought was... Oh yes, here in this trauma community are a bit over 1000 people, an awful lot, perhaps not all of the signed up people suffer from a trauma, some of them probably do but aren't ready to speak and this is only one community, there are thousands of communities like this, but what about all those who suffer unrecognized like my little one? It was pure fate that he ended up at that clinic, with that therapist who happened to be my silly genius therapist, what if one tiny thing would have been different, another hospital, another therapist? How many of us are still out there? And do I even have the right to complain about my situation if others are suffering so much more?
@courteousNorth5140
*hugs* North it's not complaining at all, one person's pain isn't more or less important than anyone elses. I am sorry to hear your little one struggles with this so much it breaks my heart, you are doing amazing and have every right to come on here and vent about anything and everything or even nothing.. it is awful to think of the amount of people in this world that have and/or could still be suffering, but you know by us healing and speaking out we are making a change and a stand and hopefully in the future the number of people in this world will be overpowered by people who are kind, compassionate, empathetic and just love like you and Wize and Cal and Storm and so many more people here. We really are the change this world needs to be. Yeah we struggle from day to day but we are breaking the silence and providing a light to others in the darkness to see that it may be hard but it is worth speaking out... Gahh sorry went off on a tangent. Just gonna send you lots of love and hugs💕💕💕
@calmLake1999
Thank you Calm 💕 I guess lately I've just been a bit stressed in general, probably I'm just hypersensitive, just me being silly 😊 I'll be ok *hugs*
@courteousNorth5140
Your not silly North! *hugs* 💕💕
@calmLake1999
So, this is what I wanted to tell you, but cause it's a bit too much of me I didn't want to post it in your diary...
Some time ago I had a physiotherapist who touched me inappropriately. I didn't like that guy from first sight, just the way he talked and how he looked at me. It just started with his hands being a bit too long at certain places, his face being too close to mine. But I thought, ok, I'm overly sensitive about it, that's understandable, but silly, and he's a physiotherapist, he has to touch me. So I didn't say anything. He always made those weird compliments, well, more like comments about how young I look, just like a little boy, well, things like that. But well, on one hand hand he's right about that, I look very young, so it's a true statement somehow, just the way how he said it... Well, it went on like that for weeks and it got worse... So I told my boyfriend I want another physiotherapist, he asked why and I told him we don't get along very well and he makes me feel uncomfortable... My man said he understands that this whole touching makes me feel uncomfortable, but I need the therapy and he seems to be a nice guy, he even went there with me, stayed during the therpapy.. they were chatting like old buddies about computers and football and I've been like, yeah, sure he won't touch me in front of my 200lbs boyfriend, what a great proof.... So I kept going there and well, hm, once again I haven't been able to defend myself... So I just refused to go there anymore, my only way, hiding... I had really bad arguments with my boyfriend about it, cause my leg got really bad, worse than ever before... So one day I just broke down and spit it out... Well, after I told him, we reported that guy and found out the he's been reported before and just as if mine was one too much, he got arrested....
So moral of the story, we don't tell things forcefully enough, we don't speak really up, we try to make polite suggestions, we don't scream loud enough... But if I have told my boyfriend from the very beginning at the first event, hell this guy touched me where he definitely shouldn't touch me when treating my leg, he would have probably stepped up, not probably, for sure... Well, before reporting him, he has been accidentally hit by a 200lbs fist... So... That's my story...
@courteousNorth5140
*hugs* I am so sorry that happened to you North. I definitely don't speak up loud enough but I don't know how much more assertive I could have been with management this afternoon without possibly coming across as rude, I even had back up. I left a long reply in my diary. I am glad it ended but so so sorry that that happened *safe hugs* 💖💖
I need to channel that energy somehow, cause it is energy, so it could be used in a good way, doesn't have to be wasted on panic and this infinite thinking loop... Should go outside again, hug a tree or scream it out... Perhaps just open the window and scream 😂 nobody would care anyway, another lunatic in this crazy city, nothing new... Oh hell! I just realized the royal wedding will be next week! Yay! 😂 I'd so love to go there and see them... Well, probably not possible, people everywhere, it's already getting a bit more crowded as usually, first the baby and now the wedding... Oh the babies name 😂 wouldn't have bet on Louis, but a nice name, can't remember the other names, Louis Arthur Charles, what a name 😂 what the hell am I typing here?
Ok, so my therapist today suggested tonput me on medication again, cause my mood changes are really, well, bad and it would increase my apetite a bit, well, told him I can still choose not to eat, wrong answer 😂 I sometimes get really snappy at him, the only one Indon't feel guilty about that, cause honestly, he can be such a pain in the a***... Ok, so I don't want any medication, not cause of the eating, I don't want to regulate my emotions, I like my emotions, even if they are driving me crazy, but it's better than being numbed and I know how I can get, this indifferent feeling, no, I don't want that...
Going to prepare dinner, urgh 😕
@courteousNorth5140
Back from dinner... I hate when my thoughts get interrupted, guess I lost it... Could talk about dinner instead, perhaps my thought will come back... Ok, so we only had sandwiches, cause that's sth every of us can make their own way, it's hard to cook for five persons with different taste and style, luckily we don't eat all together that often... Perhaps we could do that now, cause we have a dining room now, woohoo! More focus on eating! Yay! 😕 Well, we had a guestroom nobody ever uses, cause, we don't have guests 😝 so while we've been on the isle, the other two cleared out the cellar, the attic and the guestroom, so now everything's a bit rearranged and we threw out our way too small table from the living room and that's where my new hemnes lives now 😊 for everybody who isn't that familiar with ikea names, hemnes is my cupboard.... Oh and I got a new hortensia today, from my therapist, yeah bringing me flowers, as an apology for getting on my nerves... Oh btw won't go back to work next week, hm, somehoe relieving, somehow, hm, feels like a failure, lovely familiar feeling, but not now... So I'll have another free week, but therapist is going to visit me again *grumble* hmm, what else? Sometimes Indon't know what's easier, writing or not writing.. if I write sth I'm scared of posting, of the reactions, thoughts, whatever... If I don't write, hm, I feel kind of lonely, so as ling as I'm typing here I'm not lonely... Funny thing is that I'm not alone, well, little one is here, of course, reading Sherlock Holmes, my boyfriend is here, on the computer, the other two just went to work... So, I could just reach out, tell my boyfriend, hey I feel lonely, would you like to whatever... Hm, I could, but I don't, and why won't I do that? I have noooo idea 😂 cause it would interrupt my thoughts? Perhaps, hm, on one hand I don't like this infinite thinking loop, but on the other hand, these thoughts somehow have to be thought, they have to be finish, although they probably won't ever be finished, same thoughts for years... Ok, enough of that now... Going to think about Tai Chi, that could actually be fitting for me, cause it's not actual martial arts, but it's about self-control and balance, finding your inner self and shit and you can do it alone... I also read about Aikido, I like the deeper sense of it and I just love Japan, more than China, but hm, you need a partner for it, there's a lot of touching and grabbing and I think I would freak out if somebody would touch my neck from behind *shiver* so perhaps Tai Chi... I just have to find a place where it isn't toooo esoteric, do you know what I mean? Ooooor, other idea, perhaps I can do that at home, like with a dvd or sth like that... We have a yoga dvd, I hate it, only the music makes me freak out, makes me aggressive, hm, perhaps Tai Chi will do the same? No idea, gotta try, and cause little one loves his yoga he might also like tai chi... Yes yes, I'll give it a try... Damn it! Who knows, perhaps that's it, perhaps that's a break through... Sometimes there are even people doing tai chi chi out at the park, I like that somehow, looks so calming and beautiful, hm, I don't like being outside atm, but smelling the trees and meadows today was awesome, all the green... Oh and the rhododendrons are so beautiful 😊 my absolute favourite 😊 ok, now I'll really stop this here...
@courteousNorth5140
Oh, I forgot sth!!! I bought new mascara today! Ok, so what is about it to freak out about it? Well it was that kind of shop where you can't just pick your stuff, no you have to ask one of the ladies there, so it involved actual talking! With a stranger! And, well, don't know if anybody can imagine that, but not that funny sometimes to ask for mascara 😝 lots of raised eyebrows around 😂 hell, I start to wonder if my therapist put sth in my water....