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courteousNorth5140 March 25th, 2018

I've been trying to write down my thoughts for ages, I never found the courage to actually do it... So this is just a try, I'm not a good writer, not a good talker, not if it's about myself... There are just a few things I have to get off my chest, and it's somehow easier to adress this to the people I'm talking about, so this will be a letter diary... So far I've only written one, perhaps it will be the only one, but the plan is to write more...

I tried to write it as careful as possible, but still....

++++TRIGGER WARNING+++ could trigger those of you who experienced abuse and/or violence++++TRIGGER WARNING++++childhood trauma++++

Dear father,

It's almost 16 years since I saw you for the last time, 16 years without your terror, 16 years, half of my life... With every day more I've spent more time without you than with you... And still, you're haunting me every day... I see you in every man with a blue shirt, I hear you in every raised voice, I feel you in every nightmare... I'm telling myself I'm over it, the last half of my life has been so much better, the good overweighs the bad, the horror is over... I am happy with my life, I have people around me who love me and which I love more than my life... Oh and yeah, even if you tried to cast that out of me like exorcising a demon, I'm happily in love with a man, perhaps abusing your son wasn't the best way of curing him of a misguided sexuality....

talking about raising a son, we have a son, he's a wonderful human, he's so kind, so sensitive and fragile, scared of the world and the people in it, but he's amazing, you would hate him, cause he's like me, he's different and he's broken but yet so perfect and I would protect him with my life... It is so easy to raise a child, they are so perfect as they are, all they need is a bit of affection, a helping hand every now and then, a gentle touch, a loving word, that's all... For your children you are god and you were mine, a vicious god, a disgusting and overwhelming god... You destroyed me a billion times, you broke me in pieces, with every punch, every kick, every broken bone, every bruise... You shattered my soul with every touch and I've been a good boy, because of the little presents you left on my nightstand, I thought that's normal, I thought that's how it has to be and of course nobody talks about it cause you don't want anybody be envious of the presents you got... I knew others didn't get presents, so I thought they probably didn't behave well enough or they aren't as loved as me... The others thought I have a great father, cause of course I told them about my presents, not what I did for getting them, cause then they would do that too and would get presents, but I showed them around... And well, the bruises, the broken bones, after all I've been a boy, a very fragile boy... And people tend to see what they want to see, a little boy who's quite clumsy, who loves to ride, who loves to dance, who loves to be inside and who's just a bit quieter than others, nothing to worry about... Nobody knew how I spent my weekends, that according to my behaviour I either spent them in my room or in my cellar room... Nobody knew that I couldn't decide if liked it better to be a good boy or a bad boy, what's better, a bruised body or a bruised soul? Pest or cholera? In the end it didn't matter, that's what I started to realize as I grew up, no matter what I did, how I behaved or not behaved, how I tried to be... Normal boys climb on trees, that's sth you once told me... I tried that, and I liked it, cause I always liked trees, but my trousers got dirty and you made me decide between the belt, the branch or the crop... I prefered the crop, hurts more during the beating, but heals better...

After all those years, I honestly would like to talk to you, have a totally neutral and reasonable conversation with you... I would really like to know why you did that, how it feels to abuse your own son again and again, how it feels to be satisfied by your own son, how it feels to see your son starving himself, cause eating is the only part of his life he is able to control, how it feels when the arm of a tiny 14 year old breaks under your hand. I'd like to know if you really thought you were right. But you knew you aren't right, cause if, you wouldn't have found excuses for the doctors who took care of my bones... Of course you knew that, you've never been dumb, you've always been so proud of all your degrees and your success, so certainly not dumb... But a man has to be tough to be that succesful, right? You know what? I am a man and I am f** tough, I survived, I may be broken, but I'm not defeated and I still can be a loving parent, I still can love my man, I still can be tiny, I still can wear make up if I feel like that, I still can have long hair, nothing of that makes me be less of a man... You couldn't defeat me, you couldn't change how I am, you only made me stronger, you made me more sensible for the cruel world we're living in, you made me more understanding for people's needs, you made me be more me, not less me... And in the end you were right 'you get what you deserve' wasn't that your favourite saying before beating me up? We all get what we deserve, I got a loving family....

Your son

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ruffneckred March 26th, 2018

Reading your story made me reflect a lot... my childhood was not perfect but no where near as tortured as yours was... As a parent that made many mistakes, I am now reflecting on my upbringing and the raising of my kids. It makes me sad but the glaring similarity is kids don't come with a handbook. Parents do what they think is best, thank goodness new generations of parents have so much information available about raising kids. I agree with you 100% on what a child needs, love, a light amount of guidance. I was raised by discipliarian parents and it did not work out well for me. I doubt they ever questioned thier methods as I am the lone "failure". Your story inspires me to convey the "raising kids" issues that seem to be at the fore front of our society. Wishing you well, thanks for sharing.

2 replies
courteousNorth5140 OP March 26th, 2018

@ruffneckred

Thanks a lot for your words :) I really never thought my story could inspire anybody, but I'm really happy about it... I really hope you can be the parent you want to be, with lots of love, a bit of guidance and a mind full of craziness, to give them the childhood they deserve :) wish you and your children the best

1 reply
ruffneckred March 26th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

Thanks for the kind words, my kids are 19 and 17, so undoing damage and trying to break the family cycle are priority. My wife was raised in a different manner, which has it's own issues. I am reading / studing a book called Running On Empty by Dr. Jonice Webb. It is a study on Childhood Emotional Neglect. It is very insightful and I hope to learn / repair myself / utilize its postulates.

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courteousNorth5140 OP March 27th, 2018

This is going to be a long and totally confused post, I'm sorry about it, I think this one will need a second part, but so far, well, I don't have more words now...

Dear A.,

There's so much I would like to tell you, so much I would like to share with you.. I would want you to see the person I've become.. there are so many different feelings inside of me, completely opposing feelings... There's this picture on my mind, this perfect picture, that we were somehow able to heal together, just you being still part of our family, perfectly fine... I really wished you had the chance to have this life... But the other side is, what if you were here? Would I really be the person I am now? I really don't know how to describe my feelings for you, I loved you from the bottom of my heart, but I'm not sure if this love I remember feeling is just a perfect memory or true... There are just so many memories and they are all kind of hazy... I remember the day we met, as I entered our room at the new school and you were there, sitting on the floor, wrapped in a purple blanket, ith your headphones on, totally rapt in your music... I don't know, that was such a calm picture and it just grounded me immediately... I've been this scared and wounded 14 year old boy and there was somebody who just looked like I felt, lost and lonely... From first sight there was this connectiin, right? Hell, it could have been sth good, we could have been brilliant together... Why did we screw it up so much, why did we destroy each other? I owe you so much, my life probably... I remember the first time you suggested to just not go home for the weekend, find an excuse like having a learning group or sth like that... That never came to my mind, that was just an impossible thought for me, you gave me the chance to escape my horror... You took me to London for the first time, this overwhelming horrible wonderful place, you took me here, exactly here where I'm sitting now, to this flat, this room, you gave me a home, well, the idea of a home... But it was the beginning, the start of my new life, you were the beginning... But it also was the beginning of the end... I don't know when we started this competition, cause that's what it was, it was a life and death fight... Who can go longer without eating? Who can do more sports? Who can take more drugs? Who can cut deeper? At first it was just great, right? Having somebody who also gets up at 4am to go for a run, who also avoids food whenever possible, who also has those haunting memories and no better outlet than just hurting the already damaged body more, who also tries to escape in a dreamworld with any possible kind of drug... It was just amazing not to be ashamed of the tears at night, or the bruises added every weekend, I didn't have to explain anything, I didn't have to tell you anything, you knew it... When did it start to become a nightmare? This downward spiral we were in, where was the point of no return? Was it really as I fell in love with this guy? It was just a crush, we had a date, yeah, I think I've been a bit in love... But well, you've been telling me for years that you're not open for a relationship, you didn't want this couple thing, so what did you expect? I had one date, how many guys did you have in all those years? I quit counting... But I think it started earlier, as I moved in with you and B.Z., as we brought B.R. in... I think as you saw how much B.Z. fought for me sth somehow broke inside of you, I don't know why, but that's how it seemed, suddenly there were these other two broken boys in your life and they got lots of attention, lots of care and probably you felt like nobody cares for you anymore... But I always cared, we always cared, we wanted you to be part of this family, but you pushed us away, you didn't come home for days and when you came home you were just furious, you started to fight with me out of the blue... I tried to make a few tiny steps forward, I went to this therapist, but you told me he's only telling me bullshit, so I stopped seeing him... I tried to go without drugs, you gave me drugs again... I found sth I felt comfortable eating, you told me how much calories bananas have, so I stopped eating them... You laughed about my silly tries of writing poems, you laughed about my habit sleeping with my plushy horse, you laughed about me... And then I fell in love with this guy and suddenly you behaved like I'm your property, like I'm cheating on you... I don't know if I can find words for what you did to me, there are words for it, but I just can't bring myself to using those words in combination with your name... Well, fact is I told you to stop and you didn't, I begged you and you told me to hold still and that I should know how that works... Fact is you threatened me with this knife, I think you even cut me one time, but I think my memory gets hazy there, it could be a nightmare or a memory... But fact is you hurt B.R. as he wanted to protect me, you hurt his arm really badly, there was lots of blood and well, then it gets hazy again... I only remember B.Z. coming home and then he called the ambulance, at first I thought for B.R., but it was for you... They gave you some kind of injection to calm you, you were screaming and kicking everybody near you... You looked at me and well, I think there were tears in your eyes, so much pain and so much hate... What have we done wrong? What have I done wrong? This was the last time I saw you... You hurt me so unbelieveably much, but I must have hurt you even more, I just don't know how... I think I forgave you, what you said, what you did to me, but I don't think I can ever forgive you leaving me... I know you didn't see another way, I know for you leaving this world was the only hope, I saw it in your eyes, but it was wrong... We could have been brilliant together, but we ended up like that... You're gone and I'm here, missing you every day...

Yours J.

7 replies
purpleWest8143 March 28th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 I feel sad reading this 😞. So much turmoil and angst yet somehow you feel a bond to this person because they also understood your pain at one point and had helped you escape from it for a time in the only ways I suppose you knew then....

7 replies
courteousNorth5140 OP March 31st, 2018

@purpleWest8143

I'm sorry for my late reply, I didn't have the strength to think about it until now... But be sure that your words are highly appreciated, thank you for reading all of this, it means a lot to me... Opening up is a very hard step for me, I'm really scared like hell, I'm anxious about every word I write here, but reading your words reassures me that it's ok to write, that I have somehow the right to speak up...

Yes, you are right A. understood me like nobody else before, perhaps like nobody else at all, that why it hurt so much... Thinking of him hurts a lot and it's just difficult to somehow decide how I should think of him, it's like there are too many different memories, too many feelings...

I think writing that down made me realize that this is a part of my past I really have to work on, I need to clear up my mind about this chapter... So I guess there should be a second part of this letter some day...

6 replies
purpleWest8143 March 31st, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 you have no obligation to reply to anything ❀️ I understand the conflict with memories and emotions/ feelings attached to a relationship full of .... I guess you could say full of conflict? To a certain degree anyways. I think for myself, seeing that someone caused me hurt and pain, out of their own unhealthy coping and inability to deal with their own needs in a healthy way has helped me to maybe find some way to forgive. And to balance this also doesnt excuse the behaviours and pain caused. I think when we reflect on the past it can also help us to possibly understand better parts of ourselves, and that we were also getting some of our needs met in these relationships - for you it sounds like possibly you needed someone to accept you at that point of time in your life, and initially felt this way with this person. These relationships riddled with these types of dynamics are definitely difficult to untangle and have a lot of strong emotions attached. I was in an abusive relationship on and off from 16-22. It ended with him suiciding when I ended things. When things were good, they were sooo good. When they were bad they were the worst. I think it will take me a long time to untangle all of the emotions attached - so yeah, I get it a little ❀️

5 replies
courteousNorth5140 OP March 31st, 2018

@purpleWest8143

Thank you for understanding, really, reading your words I somehow untangled some of my feelings... Yeah, forgiveness is an important part for my healing I guess, I think I forgave him, his own past, his own pain, his illness, well, it's not an excuse for hurting me, but still... The only thing I can't forgive is that he left me, that he didn't give me the chance to make his life better, cause we really created sth like a family here and I just wished he could have been a part of it... And well, using my past against me, doing or using things he knew would hurt me the most, I don't know, that's just sth, it paralyzed me, he could have been doing sth different, it wouldn't have been so hard... Well, my therapist always tells me to cut out all the woulds, coulds and shoulds 😁

You've been through a lot yourself, thank you for telling me that, now I understand why you understand me somehow, well, I always avoided any terms like abusive relationship, it's like, well, saying that makes it real, but I guess it was an abusive relationship... Hell, I guess I accidentally made a step forward right now πŸ˜‚

I'm really learning a lot here, it's well, I'm really grateful for stumbling over this place here...

I wish you lots of strength to make peace with your past, you're doing a great job, really, I admire how openly you're able to talk about it...

4 replies
purpleWest8143 March 31st, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 yes I found myself wanting to comment or say abusive relationship or unhealthy coping and realizing those are words with judgement attached to them and hesitating. I think that we have all done things out of unhealthy coping and trying to fulfill needs without having the proper resources at the time. To be able to remember this allows us to be compassionate with ourselves and forgiving. To frame it in this way and reflect back and realize that choices were unhealthy at the time, can help us to make different choices moving forward rather than carrying shame and guilt.

purpleWest8143 March 31st, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 And thank you, I think that Im learning to let go of shame, forgive myself and be more compassionate to myself as well. This step alone has been a key turning point for me in healing, I believe talking about things partly has helped with this. 7 cups is helping with this a lot as well. Im really thankful for all of the support in the trauma community here- in helping each other explore, supporting each other on our journeys etc. It really is a safe place to be learning and growing. ❀️

2 replies
courteousNorth5140 OP March 31st, 2018

@purpleWest8143

You're right, we have to forgive ourselves, I think that's what I have to realize... Feelings of shame and guilt, yes, that's following me all the time, I've made some steps already, but I think it's not really sunken in yet...

And using the term abusive relationship was the exactly right choice, I'm having a hard time calling things by their name, it's nice to find a friendly paraphrase sometimes, but well, calling it by it's name helps realizing it and that's a tiny step forward...

1 reply
purpleWest8143 March 31st, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 its a big step forward ❀️

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courteousNorth5140 OP March 31st, 2018

I need to just get some thoughts out of my system right now, apologies if it won't make sense, no idea where this will lead...

This is a safe place, nobody will judge, nobody will laugh, I have the right to be here, this is a step forwards not backwards, I have the right to get support, opening up doesn't mean burdening somebody, it is ok to talk, my feelings matter too... I had to write that down just to remind me of it...

It's hard for me talk, or write, I feel like I don't have words, like I don't know where to start, that's why I started those letters, so I can concentrate on one chapter and don't get confused... But right now I just have the need to say anything, there's so much chaos on my mind and I need to order or thoughts somehow... Yeah, of course I could do that offline, old fashioned on a piece of paper, but this an exercise for me, every word I write here, post here is an exercise, it really scares me a lot, even if I only answer on somebody's post, take part in the Check-ins, I'm thinking about my words for ages, I'm scared of saying the wrong things, I'm scared of saying sth silly, I'm scared of what others think of me... So this is an exercise, just words, just what's on my mind...

There is this technique I'm using with my therapist, my mind is a castle, a beautiful whit castle, with little towers and all, well, like the disney castle... It has lots of rooms and every person in my life has a room, with everything connected with this person, coloured in the person's favourite colours, with things reminding me of this person, with all the memories of this person... There are lots of doors and the rooms are connected with each other, so I can wander around there freely and it's all connected somehow... That's the nice part of the castle... But then there is the cellar, there are brick walls and rooms with closed doors and only a tiny window in them... I can walk along the doors and look through the windows, just take a little look on the memory behind the door... The next step is opening the door and take a closer look, then close the door again... Then I have to open the door and step inside the room, look at the memory and feel it... Next time I have to open the door, step inside the room, look at the memory, feel it and talk to it... The last step will be opening the door completely, look at the memory, feel it, talk to it and walk away without closing the door behind me... The memory should get smaller and smaller with each step and whenever I feel oberwhelmed or scared I can just close the door and go upstairs and visit a good memory... Those are the memories I am working with, I can go there and leave again... But there are some rooms without doors, only walls, cause I haven't built doors, I only built walls, there are also rooms with doors, but I never opened them, or I have opened them, but the door closed behind me, that's how I describe episodes when I dissociated, I've been caught in a room with this memory... But what is really worrying me atm are the rooms without doors, the brick walls, it's like there are tiny cracks on the walls and some of the memories starting to break free and I have no control over it... The problem is, I don't really know what's behind the walls,I built them to hide the memories, to burry them and I did that very well... I know, you can say, this is only in my head, it's only my imagination, there isn't a castle on my mind, there aren't walls or rooms, yes, it is only an imagination, but it works, it really is like that... I've been working with this imagination for a long time, over 10 years, but about a year ago I've finished therapy, not completely healed, but I didn't need this sort of therapy anymore... I've been better waaaaay better, I've overcome my addictions, my anorexia (somehow), I've accepted my past and I learned or I choose to love my life, I think I started to see myself as a survivor not as a victim anymore... So I haven't visited my castle for some time, I didn't take care of it anymore and now it's like some of my bad memories freed themselves and switched rooms, some walls between the rooms broke down and there are different memories in one room and the worst there are free memories I don't really remember, I'm not sure, if they are really my memories or just nightmares or only my imagination... So that's my mind chaos atm and right now I'm trying to order that, I'm trying to get them all back into their rooms... And what just sucks like hell is that I somehow thought it's over, I thought I'm done with it, everything's fine and I can just live my life, but that was obviously a delusion, my mistake.... So yeah, it hits me like a hammer atm, and probably joining this community was a sign that I'm not done with my past... Probably I will never be done with it, it is there all the time... Well, the goal of this imaginary castle isn't erasing my memories, cause that's just impossible, although that's all I'm longing for, the goal is making peace with them and most of all making peace with myself... What I see as a huge goal I already achieved is what I already wrote done, I'm a survivor, not a victim, I think that best describes the change I've made...

Ok, I guess that's all for now... Thank you everybody who read until here, I really appreciate it...

5 replies
wontwakewontsleep March 31st, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 - I accept you as you are, whoever and however you may be. Whichever words you choose now are rught for you I this moment and therefore okay. You are safe here. Much virtual love and many virtual hugs as you begin to revisit this journey you thought has ended.

I think the castle meditation is a really interesting psychological experiment, I can understand how it would evoke real feelings, bring up real memories and real terrors, and also good things that we like to put away in special places. It is in our minds, but where else would our suffering be, really. I think I will adopt this castle idea and wrote it out for myself, room by room, floor by floor. How scary that some memories seem to seep through the cracks of their own accord. I hope you can safely understand them and find some peace with them. In a way, I think you are right: we can rest and take a break, and enjoy where we are now, but our past may always be with us in some small way - perhaps we just get better at coping wih it in healthy ways? We are always becoming more like ourselves. In a way it is beautiful, even though it can also be terrifying.

Sorry for rambling. I wanted you to know someone was here and someone accepts you and someone hopes you continue exploring your thoughts as they come.

1 reply
courteousNorth5140 OP March 31st, 2018

@wontsleepwontwake

No need for apologies, what you said really touched me a lot... The first part, only the first sentence, I should print that, honestly, that's sth I needed to hear, thank you very much for your support, it means a lot to me...

Yes, you are right this mind castle experiment is a great technique, for me it works somehow, it was a lot of work to build it, but yeah, it works... And you're definitely right, just cause it's only on our mind doesn't mean it's not real, that's where the pain is, so that's where we have to go...

I hope I have the strength to walk the way I started here, it's good to know that I have so nice people by my side... It's so unbelievable touching how many supportive people are here, who all hurt from their own pain, but still, you take the time caring for others, that's amazing πŸ™‚

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OnlyBlack22 April 1st, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

I think the castle idea is brilliant, it organize all your thoughts in the best shape possible, it's positive as well, all you have said make sense, I think we all have closed rooms without doors in which a little child is crying, he is waiting for someone to find him; for us to find him and be our own heros, like you said deciding to be victims or survivers is always between our hands, it's a tough decision but definitely so rewarding as well, one-day we will look back and be proud of the castlels we have built , the life we created for ourselves. though, some scars might remain but those will no longer be pain source they will be fighter marks, the remainder of the long way we have came through..what you wrote made me think about a lot of stuff so thank you, may God bless your soul :)

1 reply
courteousNorth5140 OP April 2nd, 2018

@OnlyBlack22

I know, you don't want to hear it πŸ˜‰ but thank you so much for your words... Your support means a lot to me, my friend 😊

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courteousNorth5140 OP April 2nd, 2018

Ok, today I'd like to talk about sth very important in my life... Todays check-in, the whole topic of child abuse stirred me up a lot, so I need to calm down, ground myself and there it is my number one grounding technique: Running!

I think I started running at a quite young age, not as a real sport, not as a child, back then it was just a running from everything, whenever I had the chance to get out of the house, at my father's house or at school, I ran until my lungs hurt. It was the only chance to calm my mind, to let go of all my pain, I even ran when my body hurt, when I physically wasn't able to run, somehow as soon as I stepped outside, felt the wind on my body, I just had to run... And well, I've been a very delicate boy, there hasn't been any fitting boy's sport for me... At school there was football, rugby, rowing or athletics, so the first three were impossible, so I became a runner... In my teens it became an obsession, I got up at 4am everyday and went for a 10km run, sometimes I went for another after class... Well, it became part of my anorexia, burning calories... Even if I've been barely able to walk without fainting, running was possible, it's unbelieveable what a body is able to achieve... But even at the zenith of my anorexia, running wasn't only part of it, it was like the only time of the day I've been free of everything, while running I didn't think of burned calories or the pain of my soul and mind, it was just running, nothing but a pounding heart, music in my ears and stamping feet, it was the only time of the day I felt alive...

And somehow it followed me, I overcame my ed, but the running stayed, not as obsessive as it was, luckily, but it's still a way to feel alive and free. When I'm running I'm suddenly not insecure at all, I don't care what I look like or if there are lots of other people. Normally I avoid crowded places, I don't use public transport, I'm always anxious about what others might think of me, but when I'm running I don't care if someone thinks I'm looking funny, if I'm too tiny, too skinny, too anything... I know I look different, I'm a guy, but I am tiny and skinny, I have long blond hair, I'm really girlish, most people think I'm a girl, but so what? When I'm running I'm totally ok with myself, I feel my body working, it's a very special way of sensing my body, the heart, the lungs, the feet... I am a runner, I am part of sth, I have the right to be there, I have a purpose, it's sth I am proud of...

But I can't talk about running without mentioning a bad experience... Well, about 4 years ago I've been assaulted in the park. Well, I'm still working on overcoming that, so I'll probably have to write about that some day, but now only the key fact, I've been assaulted by three men and injured quite badly, quite a lot of broken bones, a ruptured stomach and a brain bleeding leading to a stroke later on. So, it was quite close... I wasn't able to walk for over a year, I still have difficulties with my right leg and arm, sometimes it still gets numb, my stomach never really healed and for a long time only thinking of running was impossible for me. But the deep need inside of me stayed, not being able to run was like a part of me was missing, it was like being robbed of myself... But I fought myself back, I slowly started running on the treadmill and then one day I've been able to run outside... Well, because of my leg running looks a bit funny, and I'm not running alone anymore, not at night and not at that park, but still, I am a runner, my need to run always was deeper than any fear or any pain. And that's something nobody was ever able to destroy, I may be damaged, but not defeated.

2 replies
purpleWest8143 April 5th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 running is such a great way to release energy and emotions. Im glad youre able to have this again. And so sorry about your attack - its horrible to imagine something like that taking place and especially that it robbed you of something so fulfilling for so long, as well as your physical capabilities along with the associated traumas.

I tried running during a high trauma period of life - it was the quickest way for me to get the most energy out lol too bad my knees didnt like it or Id still be doing it πŸ˜‰

1 reply
courteousNorth5140 OP April 6th, 2018

@purpleWest8143

Well, you're right, running probably isn't the best for the knees, mine are hurting quite often, too, but I found out the more I run the less everything hurts 😊 so perhaps you can strengthen your knees a bit and get back to running...

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calmLake1999 April 9th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

Hi north... Wow that last line is so powerful! I admire your strength! You are a great person with a heart of gold. I am sorry your childhood was so difficult.. Sending you much love and hugs if you want them! πŸ’—πŸ’—

1 reply
courteousNorth5140 OP April 9th, 2018

@calmLake1999

Of course I want hugs 😊 *hugs back* thank you for your words πŸ’•

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SugarInMyHippieTea April 6th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 this was actually crazy scary and i'm sorry for saying that but it was

sorry for what your dad did to you

1 reply
courteousNorth5140 OP April 6th, 2018

@SugarInMyHippieTea I'm sorry if my story scared you, but I guess, yeah, it is scary to read sth like that... Thank you for reading it anway and thank you for your words 😊

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SugarInMyHippieTea April 6th, 2018

Dear Henry

it has been 2 months

5 days

6 hours

since i last saw you. You dont call

text

email or come to me

you are in Texas

i am in Ohio with friends

family

dorm mates

but not you

you cant tell me how pretty i am

and i cant tell you how amazing you are

because you wont respond to me

i miss you

i love you

your gf

- Bridget

aka Jazz

AtomLight April 6th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

i'm sorry i don't have the time to read your letter right now because its past 1 am

but i wanted to tell you, that i write my feelings as a story, because i'm shy of writing them directly, knowing that i'm not a writer and i'm writing only one long story putting all my beautiful feelings in it

so you may like the idea try it for yourself

you may would like to write the bad feelings or the good ones. in the end it may turn into a famous story with a huge success ^^

courteousNorth5140 OP April 8th, 2018

Dear little one,

Some of my most amazing memories, my happiest moments are connected with you. The first time you spoke to me, as you sat down next to me at the piano after our always so funny music therapy, this first try of a conversation, my bandaged arms somehow got your attention and you stated 'you are hurt'. I don't know if you really understood my answer, if you knew what I meant by 'just like you', perhaps you did, perhaps that's the reason why I somehow gained your trust... I'm still not completely convinced that I deserve that trust, but I'm grateful for it... I'd just like to know what's on your mind...

I know your memories are haunting you, I know you have to live with a nearly unbearable incredible pain, I wish I could just take that away from you, like this thing Dumbledore can do with his magic wand, put all the memories in the Pensieve, I wish I had such a magic wand... But I don't... Holding you all night when you just cry and cry and just can't find any words, that tears my hear apart... Seeing the fear in your eyes, but not knowing what triggered you... Feeling how you're fighting with yourself, against those inner voices telling you you don't deserve a bed to sleep, you don't deserve food, you don't deserve a bath, you don't deserve clothes... It breaks my heart when you lose the fight and I can't convince you to go to bed and have to let you keep sleeping on the floor and I hate it so much to sometimes force you to eat, but I have to...

Iam scared of every day, will it be a good day? Will it be a bad day? Will sth happen? Am I able to handle it? I just want you to be happy, just as happy as you are when you playing with your dinosaurs, building pillow mountains for them, telling them you'll protect them from the mean meteorit... I don't care that on paper you are too old for playing with dinosaurs and playmobils, I really don't, I don't care that you probably won't ever be a 'normal' adult, that you'll never grow up, you can be a child as long as you want... Those people, won't ever call them parents, those monsters, they stole your childhood, they stole your innocence, they stole your dignity, all I can do is give a bit of it back to you, make it a bit easier, let you be the child you couldn't be as a child... I wish I could tell you that I know what pictures are haunting you, they are haunting me too, hell, believe me, I wish I've never seen that, I won't never ever get those pictures out of my mind again, everybody warned me to watch it, but I thought I have to, to understand you better, but that was silly, it just hurt myself, those pictures are worse than my own nightmares... Knowing that, I just can't imagine how hard it must be for you, well, your actions show how hard it is, how you mangled your arms with teeth and nails, how you used any sharp thing around you to hurt yourself, this one time on the Isle as it was nearly too late... You can't imagine how it felt seeing you lying there, that was the most horrible moment of my life, my heart didn't only skip a beat, I think it stopped completely until you've been in hospital, alive and breathing...

I wish I could tell you that, all of that... But how chould I, without making you feel guilty for scaring me so much? I know you already know that things like that scared me, I know you already feel guilty whenever you see tears in my eyes cause I just can't anymore... I wish I could be better for you, more stable, stronger, without my own f*** up past... But as I watch you sleeping next to me, cuddled up with your plushy dinosaur, breathing calmly, a picture of innocence, I don't think there's anybody on this earth who could love you more, who could be more thankful for having you... You are my reason to live, even if every new day, every night scares me, you are the reason I get up anyways, you are my reason for being here, you are my purpose, you are my light, you are my everything... Seeing you like this, peaceful and content, that means everything to me, those are my moments of true happiness... And there are lots of moments like this, not only when you're asleep, when you are happily playing outside with B., laughing out loud, being free and just hilarous, when you get all excited whem you see a squirrel (I understand that, I get all excited too), when you get tired and become all cuddly and whiny, when you ask for a cookie or icecream and your eyes get wide and your smile gets bright when I of course say yes, when you're building sandcastles at the beach and dig huge ditches to protect it from the waves... I think that could be continued endlessly... What I want to say is, you're giving me so much joy and happiness, it weighs out all the fears, all the sorrows, all the darkness and all the pain... I happily take all of the bad to just see you smile...

Sleep well, my little one... May guardian angels watch your sleep and may the universe one day swallow all your pain...

1 reply
wontwakewontsleep April 8th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 - Wow, this letter is beautiful and so well-written and so heartfelt. I've never tried music therapy but I think it is really cool that you are/were invested in it. I really relate with a lot of the fears and hopes you express in this letter to your little one. This line - "like this thing Dumbledore can do with his magic wand, put all the memories in the Pensieve." - yes, so badly, I wish so many of us had this ability. I am so happy to hear that there are moments of happiness for your little one inbetween the moments of awful memories and the attempts to cope with those memories. You are with them now, adn being so accepting, and so understanding. That is really beautiful. I know you two will have many amazing memories as time goes on and hope they far outweigh the bad memories in time. I hope this little one knows and believes in how much you think of them, and how loved they are. They are lucky to have you. <3

1 reply
courteousNorth5140 OP April 9th, 2018

@wontsleepwontwake

Aww *blush* thank you, those are too many nice words at once 😊 but thank you a lot, especially a compliment for my writing from you 😁 And I think he knows how loved he is, at least sometimes 😊 and that's enough for me...

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AtomLight April 23rd, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

this is.. sad.. but at the same time its beautiful, i liked it

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FangsInsanity April 8th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 Your childhood sounds quite rough, but it's great that despite all of the things you suffered you are still strong. Also, it's great that your family has such a loving individual.

2 replies
courteousNorth5140 OP April 9th, 2018

@FangsInsanity thank you for your words and support Fangs 😊 I think we are all quite strong here, we may be struggling and sometimes only walking on crutches, but we're here 😊

1 reply
FangsInsanity April 9th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 Yes we are.

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courteousNorth5140 OP April 10th, 2018

The problem about those aching thoughts and memories is that nobody understands them, so I'm completely alone with them. But then again, if somebody understands them it means they have been at those darknplaces, too. And II don' want anybody to go through what I'm going through, I don't want anybody to feel that pain. So if somebody understands me, I'd wish they wouldn't. If nobody understands me, I'd wish somebody would.

Just senseless philosophical thoughts.... Needed to get that out...

3 replies
calmLake1999 April 10th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140

*safe hugs* .. Its a catch 22 I think yearning for someone to understand but not wanting them to have ever been in that situation... Sending you much love and ill loan you my lion.. Thinking of you πŸ’•πŸ’•

1 reply
courteousNorth5140 OP April 10th, 2018

@calmLake1999 aww, thank you πŸ˜ŠπŸ’• we can share the lion, itβ€˜ll keep us both safe *safe hugs back*

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purpleWest8143 April 10th, 2018

@courteousNorth5140 I understand this philosophical sentiment ❀️

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