Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*

@mytwistedsoul Figured I better say something to take it off the needs reply list -

So everyone has their boxes checked ;) - the canned responses are kind of insulting anyway tbh

Spent time trying to justify the need for this place - Idk - maybe just the fact that it's here - available - A safe place - please lets keep this a safe place

I know some of the silence comes from the messages recieved in the past - the times that things were - told - the fact that there was a price to pay for opening your mouth. What happens at home stays at home - The times she would ask if you had anything to say and she would back hand you if you did. The times she would grab your jaw and squeeze so hard it left bruises - an inch from your face and ask if you had anything to say now - the pound of flesh she took for disloyalty - for breaking the silence

You keep quiet because noone can or will help you - noone will believe you anyway - because she is such an upstanding person - too bad her kid is such a problem - she needs a heavy hand

The inner RQ - repeats these messages - she feeds the anxiety - the insecurity - tells me - things. Attention seeking - which I guess - Idk - we all want to be heard - right? I get tired of being that blip on the screen - feeling like an after thought - an inconvenience - having my jaw clenched so tight sometimes - it aches for hours afterwards

Here it is again - that draw to pull back. Be quiet. Idk - maybe I'm too sensitive. Why does it seem like - Idk - it didn't really matter

Anger has been an issue today. Anger is uncomfortable. Urges are an issue. Thought about a listener - again -but oh man - Idk. Never good luck with them - but it is tempting sometimes

Its like there's a dam holding all the words back. The ones that manage to slip over get swept away with the current - I got no chance - there are the defective words - the harsh words - those are usually pretty easy to catch

If I told you I'm a monster - would you believe me? What if I told you thats how I truely see myself sometimes? You would probably disagree and I would probably say I'm sorry for feeling that way - Idk - some days it seems like thats all I do

Idk - I just - don't. Thought I did but I'm usually wrong

So let's post and panic and regret that anything was said - because lets be honest - I don't think my words mean much

Suddenly it dawns on you - Like a lightening bolt and you can't help but think - How could I have been so stupid? It's not really about whats real here is it? It's all about the forced positivity - happy happy. Look at the wheel and figure out what emotion you're feeling - it's ok to feel a bunch of different ones - but maybe keep the bad ones to yourself - yeah? Noone really wants to hear about them - they make everyone else feel bad too. Oh - I'm sorry - those are all the wrong answers - A pat on the head - here's a lolly and a sticker for being such a sport about it and playing along. If you don't mind - it doesn't matter - right? Ok - I can play that way

Big BIG Smiles everybody - put on your game face!

How disappointing to realize she was right all along

Silence - what we have here - is a failure to communicate
Lost count of all the times - I've come in here - wrote stuff out - only to delete it all. Even tried it through note pad on the laptop and phone - write things down and delete it all. I guess I've silenced myself - not without help though - I can't take all the credit

How many times have people dismissed you and what you're going through or have gone through - How many times have people asked if it's another rough day - not just a rough day - but ANOTHER rough day - It makes you feel - well like crap, makes you hold your words and just silently plug along - pay me no mind - I'm just passing through - I'll try to be as unintrusive as possible

You turn into a ghost - Oh you have your useful moments where people might summon you because they're having a bad day - Maybe you'll lend an empathetic ear - some kind words - because that's just how you are. The thing is - after awhile those words leave too - Maybe they feel like they have no weight - they feel and sound empty to you - maybe you need to hold onto them for yourself. Maybe after having all your other words dismissed and discarded - maybe you feel they just aren't worth much to share

Man they are just really messing with this site lately - the accessabilty button freaks me out.

Um - let's go for a walk

I caught myself thinking how on my profile I say about how I'd like to like myself better - that profile was created shortly after we joined I think - Idk tbh - I think thats the one thing here that is still sort of in our control that we can make changes to. It kind of a shame alot of people don't really use it because it's sort of like the feed - Man I still miss the feed

So I guess I kind of realized that I still don't like myself - I'm maybe more tolentant of myself? Maybe thats the word. It's not an all the time thing - I still don't like to look in mirrors - I don't like - the deadness in those eyes sometimes - so You just don't look

Idk - I thnk alot is depression but then anxiety pops up out of no where sometimes - it hit alittle bit ago. Figured I'd go up stairs quick and the fourth step from the landing allways creaks and there it was - Then tip toe through the rest of the house - good thing you can go outside from upstairs but - wow - I thought I was gonna have a panic attack til I got outside. Now - shaky - shaky all the freaking time - makes it hard to do things when your hands shake - Idk - kind of like the depression got an espresso lol A quick pick me up

Hmm - thoughts scatter - cookies - it rains inside sometimes - if we're all sad. That comes out of no where sometimes too - Like now lol! Just mention sadness and you feel a prick at your eyes and a tear escapes - I don't like that - Sometimes when I'm typing and I ask a question - I write the answer instead of what I was typing before and just like that your head feels full and focus goes out the window - and time passes - 20 minutes? 30 - an hour - two - maybe a day - maybe longer - sucks

Now I can't focus - too many different thoughts - Bastille? If the one A is pre other A - lol -Idk *break*

I get nervous talking about things - certain things - some is embarrassment sometimes - fear - alot of fear - people can be cruel - I think sometimes I'm a magnet to those people sometimes - which - Idk - I can't help but think there's just something that gets their attention - they - Idk - it's allmost like they have to see if they can break you farther - make you completely snap. Do they look at you and see a victim? Is that - it? Idk - there's more thoughts on that but alarms are going off - lol

post and panic before it's deleted :)

Everytime you step away from distractions - they only show what you'll never be. Stitch me up and feed me all of your lies

I feel sick. My thoughts are poison. I'm nothing. I'm reminded all the time. I'm not sure why I keep bothering here. I thought - maybe. You know what - in the end it doesn't really matter what I think does it? The anger that flared so hot last night has been smothered by the blanket of depression that's kept on hand for such times. The truth looms right in my face - you cant deny what you see sometimes no matter how hard you try. And I see - god do I see. It's been so painfully obvious for such along time but it was ignored - denied. Learned from the best on that subject. Lie and deny. We were taught to be obedient - compliant. Do as you're told - no questions asked. You know what's expected of you J

I just didn't think it would hurt so much

Sometimes you go from being completely exhausted to terrified in the time it takes to crawl in bed

She's cold. I think maybe she allways was. She doesn't see people as they are - she sees them for what they can do for her. What she can get from them - she allways claimed the opposite though. People wanted her things and everyone was trying to take things from her

She never smiled at you. There were no stories - no fairy tales. No singing - no silliness. No tucking in at night. No I love yous - oh she could point out how you screwed up her life. How if it wasnt for you she could have done this or done that. Apparently she had big plans but then you happened

Quick to anger - quick to hit. Whatever was on hand - if she had nothing - she would improvise. A wrong answer could get you back handed - unless - Idk - sometimes she delayed punishment. You would sometimes have a false sense of security and think she let it go. You learned real quick that wasnt the case - she just needed to give it some thought

The ultimate actress - she could turn on the tears in an instant and make anyone believe her. How well she played people. Lead them to believe that you were a troubled kid and needed a heavy hand. And they would agree with her! They never saw the behavior she claimed you displayed but she could convince them because she lived with you and you were the one who was playing people. They didn't see the horrible things you did - didn't hear the horrible things you said to her. You were just an evil child. A liar and a thief. One who would never amount to anything. Probably end up in jail or dead by the time you were 18 -

Don't like talking about her

Today is her birthday