Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*
I created this space for me to be able to write - whatever is on my mind that I may not want replies too. It isn't that I don't appreciate the replies - it's that alot of times I am really uncomfortable with the support. Sometimes it's the well meaning words get twisted around in my head - sometimes it the well meaning suggestions that are turned around and taking the wrong way. Sometimes - it's fear - rejection - judgement - fear of offending someone with what I say. Even now - the creation of this is - causing some anxiety - and I feel the edge of a panic attack - so let's take a pause and a few deep breaths
I often don't feel as though I deserve support. I waste peoples time and feel like an inconvenience. With that in mind - I've been slowly going quiet
The TW is because - well - lets be honest - if I'm going to put some of whats in my head and and I don't want replies - you dear gentle reader should be warned at least. Because there are times my head is a scary place -
I'll say I'm sorry in advance because sometimes I do swear - I try not to and I try to remember replace some letters - but well sometimes I dont care and sometimes I forget. Idk - I suppose I should say sorry for my sense of humor in advance too - because sometimes it's alittle dark or alittle inappropriate
So - let's post and panic over this now shall we?
11:42 it's almost been a year. It doesn't feel that long and yet it feels so much longer than that.
Too many memories the past week
11:49
Do you ever have moments where you just don't really like people? They're undependable and unreliable. Maybe it's just me having expectations, but shouldn't some people be dependable? Can't one person be reliable?
I've come to the conclusion that I really don't like my father's GF. I sent her a text Dec. 1st. Said they were in my thoughts. She replies back that she thought about texting earlier but didn't want to remind me in case I forgot what day it was. Understandable but uncalled for. Why make that comment? Why not a simple thank you and you were in my thoughts as well?
Checked the mail today. There was a letter about an outstanding bill of my father's. For his phone. She had told me she called them. She had the bills and the phone. I never gave it a thought to double check. I'm disappointed and a little upset. The tax papers were already sent in and I assume accepted because they cashed the check. What do I do now? Tell the lawyer? Just pay it myself? Now I'm concerned what else will pop up. It's too late in the game for these surprises. Every time I think we're almost done things pop up. What's next? The title of the car still needs to be changed. There's been too much sentimentality in the fact that his name and J is on it. It's legal to drive but the registration runs out at the end of January so it needs to be done. Procrastinating sentimentality can only last so long.
There have been other things happening. Things seen that may or may not be real. Things heard. Things felt. Flashbacks? I'm not even sure. Some days it feels as though what tentative grip that holds onto reality and sanity is slipping. I do know that I'm tired. Tired of pretending that things are fine. Avoiding people because of wanting to be alone and yet not wanting to be alone. Doing it because everything we've gone through was always done alone. Always.
It used to be that coming here to "talk" held the guise of being listened too. Now? (smh)
I need to write a check for the bill that came for him. The lawyer said to. His GF said not to. Lol. I have to I'm responsible for his final affairs. His GF doesn't seem to understand that it's my *** on the line. I've been meaning to write it for the past few days but just can't seem to bring myself to sit down and actually do it.
I called his phone the other day to make sure it's actually turned off. That hit in a way I'm not sure how to even describe it. It made me feel even more alone, which I didn't think was possible. His birthday is tomorrow and I can't help but think how we started to meet for breakfast on our birthdays the past couple of years. There's so many things, too many things that were left unsaid and it weighs on me
