Diary *Possible TW*

I missed some of my online classes because of the list of events that had been happening recently. I lack behind in studies because it is so hard to concentrate. Voices are there almost every day, sometimes insidious in nature and sometimes narrating a monologue of my life.

I do not understand why that tree is a recurring hallucination for me or why being strangled by seemingly harmless objects is a fear. Perhaps it is because how he had put pressure on my neck for his sickening enjoyment.

I managed to get out of the house with the help of a family member. It felt terrifying. I was scared for my life as the tree was approaching me. I wanted to scream at it but tried collecting myself.

The three girls are still there. They do not seem very malicious and are not talking much now. It seems so that they are silently observing my actions. Perhaps also judging me? They have moved from the front and now I can see them from the corner of eye every once in a while.

"What we do not need in the midst of struggle is shame for being human" Brene Brown

Today is riddled with delusions. Seemingly three calm girls that appeared in the midst of my life have now started to show their true intent and purpose. They are judging everything that I am doing. I am sure that one of them has a notebook in which she is writing all that I am doing. I can see it from the corner of my eye. They write and document what I am doing and than silently judge me on it. I cannot do anything without being judged on it.

I have delusions that they will slip something in my food when I am not looking. It is causing me to be on alert. I keep looking from the corner of my eye while eating, to make sure that they are not slipping anything in my food.

I know none of this is real. I have to remind myself of that. Take deep breaths, none of this is real.

I need to give myself positive affirmations. The three girls do not exist in reality. They are not judging me. They are not going to slip anything in my food. The three girls are just something my mind is cooking up. That's all there is to it. It is not real.

I know perhaps I should inform my doctor but I feel too embarrassed at myself to tell her anything.

"There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who won't even jump a puddle for you" Unknown

There are times when I tend to put a label on my sexuality. Perhaps it is not the best thing to put a label on yourself, but I tend to do it. Maybe in an effort to better understand myself. Sometimes I think that I might be asexual. I have many mixed emotions when it comes to the topic of physical contact and sexuality. There have been very few instances where I have felt safe during physical contact. Most of the time I get very panicked. It scares me alot. Sometimes I can connect the dots and understand my fears. Sometimes my fears do not seem to have any reasons. Most of the times I cover my restroom mirror with a cloth because I do not want to see myself unless it is required.

The hallucinations of 3 girls still have not left me. Still they are visible every now and then from the corner of my eye. My actions are constantly being judged by them. I cannot do much without feeling self conscious. My delusions that they will slip something in my food has been causing upsetting thoughts. I did not eat for 2 days, except for a chocolate bar. Whenever I try eating I feel paranoid that they will slip something in my food. I keep on looking everywhere to make sure that it does not happen. It is making me not wanting to eat anymore. My dad offered that he can watch over me while I eat to make sure they do not slip anything in my food. It makes me feel like a huge burden. My doctor said that she will adjust my medication. I am hoping the 3 girls and delusions disappear.

I have been making notes of my behavior and mood lately because my medication was adjusted. I wanted to keep track of any changes and if needed inform my doctor. I have been feeling all the more sleepy and slow with slurred speech. It is effecting college work.

Writing about my mood and behavior got me thinking that if after experiencing something traumatic, do we start doing certain actions in a ritualistic manner to have a sense of 'safety.'

I tap my fingers on my arms almost ritualistically when I wake up. It makes me feel safe. I also do this when I am having ptsd flashbacks or tactile hallucinations. Before going to bed I have a good look all around me because I sometimes hallucinate seeing things moving in the dark. Whenever I see my abuser over family gatherings and go home afterwards, I always take a long bath because I want to clean myself of his hands on me.

Actions like these feels ritualistic to me. They do not seem to have any real purpose other than to give me a peace of mind.

Feeling very slow on antipsychotics. I feel like a zombie with sluggish movements. Having difficulty speaking coherent sentences. I also noticed that I forgot what I was saying mid sentence when talking to someome. It does not feel that I am capable of showing or feeling any emotions. Very empty and blank feelings. Losing interest in college or any work. Falling asleep in the most random hours.

*TW for mention of violence and SH*

This is mostly for venting out frustration and hurt.

Back when I was admitted to a mental health hospital for 3 weeks after engaging in SH and hearing voices. Being there kept me away from engaging in any more SH as they had taken anything remotely sharp off me. They had even taken my shoe laces. I am grateful that it helped in keeping me away from SH.

Over my time there, I developed delusions that my meds were poisoned. A staff member came in my room with meds and I refused to take them. I was really scared as no one wants to take poisoned meds. I told her that I was having delusions that the meds she was giving me were poisoned. I told her that I was really afraid to take them. A voice was also saying the word poison over and over again. I was crying in front of her and I probably was looking pathetic.

The way that staff member spoke was very robotic. Maybe I would have felt better and comforted if she had spoken to me with some empathy, and I would have taken the meds. I wish she would have tried to speak to me first. Instead she called another staff memebr into the room.

That staff member used his physical force to restrain me, in order to give me meds. It all happened so suddenly. It reminded me of the times I was sexually assaulted. It made me feel terrified. I was crying and resisting that staff member while he was trying to pin me. While he was doing that his hand pressed on my chest and it brought up painful memories. He got the meds in as I gave up resisting.

That staff member was not trained in physical restraining. I found out about this later. In a mental health hospital, only staffs who are trained in physical restraining are allowed to do it, atleast where I live. That staff member was not trained to do it, he did not had the required training, but he still did it.

I understand they were trying to do their part in getting me to take meds. I wish that staff member would have atleast tried talking to me first or would have called for a staff member who was trained in physical restraining.

I had flashbacks afted that and could not ground myself at all. I was scared at what had happened

Positive symptoms are reduced now- Less hallucinations and delusions. I am able to manage it

Negative symptoms are still something I am trying to cope with- I am finding it difficult to add expressions in my speaking tone. I think I sound and feel blank. Having a little bit difficulty in talking

Some cognitive symptoms?- Sometimes finding it a little bit difficult to understand what others speak to me and losing focus quick