Emotional abuse
Hello all,
I was just wondering if there was a thread for emotional abuse. I sometimes feel rather intimidated because I'm not in a situation that is necessarily domestic violence, but still often feels abusive nonetheless. If there isn't a thread then, could we possibly start one?
Thanks,
Doc
Hello @futureDoctordoc,Think you raise a very valid point here.Emotional abuse is more subtle and often less noticed, but certainly fits into this category.How about we start a thread?
This is what I believe to be an important topic that does not get enough "air time". Check this out.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201308/the-invisible-power-childhood-emotional-neglect
Ok, I'm going to try to start this up, if we move this thread I'll just post this again there as well.
My parents were very absent when I was a child, attention was to the other child who was their star and I was only attended to either when hurt, when they needed something from me, or when I was in trouble. As a result, I came to see that the only way to garner affection was to do things for you.
This has led me into my current relationship which, from things I've read, does appear to be emotionally abusive. However, I seem to be powerless to escape it. I'm constantly taken for granted, neglected and if I've done anything even the slightest bit wrong then all affection is immediately removed. Combined with my learned behaviour from when I was a child, I basically do anything and everything that is asked of me regardless of my own needs, wants or desires. I have sat and watched over the years as things that used to be fun for me, have become tedious tasks with no pleasure or enjoyment. I have watched my life slowly be reduced to a complete hollowness. I have been repeatedly cheated on, and often feel incredibly unimportant.
I know these things logically, yet I am unable to just leave, or seemingly to really work towards changing my situation. It is my inability to do the actions that would change my lot in life though that has left me with perhaps the most self-loathing and self-disgust. I know what is happening, I know it will happen again, but I never seem to do anything to avoid it.
Thank you for beginning this thread and sharing your experience @FutureDoctorDoc. It is in telling our stories that often others get to recognize what is happening in their lives. Emotional abuse strikes the very soul, it is subtle and not readily identified. We may start to realize that we are being undermined and losing our sense of self.My heart goes out to you when you talk about your inability to do the actions that would change your lot. That's what emotional abuse does...it paralyzes us.. like being caught in a web from which there doesn't seem to be any escape. But your awareness and understanding can be the key to beginning to find your self again and the strength that you have... slowly step by step. I read the post you wrote in another forum and appreciate your care and encouragement for someone else. Now its time to use that caring and encouragement for your self. You're worthy of it. And here in support of you.
@rozie Is this characterized as similar to codependancy?
Hello @TransAm85 and sorry its been a while. Yes I think it could also be described as a kind of co dependency as one learns to tiptoe around the abuser, and to "please" them,(which is not likely to happen) Then it becomes so normal that one doesn't realize that you are losing your self in this.Others may notice the changes but it is usually so subtle and manipulative that the person in the relationship often doesn't... until they get a "wake up call."
@rozie Well I ask this b/c yes, I am always trying to please my husband and over the past 5 years, I have completely lost my identity. I am just starting to come to terms w/this b/c I am 30 years old, yet I allow myself to be treated like a slave basically. I love my husband, he doesn't hit me or yell at me, but he intimidates me to the point where I feel obligated to do as he says all the time. He is old fashioned so he looks to women as being housewives and mothers. I wasn't raised that way b/c my father left when I was about 4 or 5. I was raised to work and support myself and be independent, so that is one big difference we have. I would like to have a child someday, but I am so frustrated with myself b/c I allow my husband to treat me this way. My self esteem has gone down to 0 and I don't even like to get dressed up anymore cept Sundays when we go to church. I work w/him at his auto shop, so I really cannot dress up anyway, but weekends, I have no ambition to go anywhere. I feel ugly and ashamed and I am just sick of it. I think intimidation is part of emotional abuse?
@TransAm85 I know exactly how you feel. I am a taxi, cleaner, errand runner, personal assistant, tech support and everything for my wife. I never really feel appreciated or desired, nor do I ever really have the desire to do anything. It's a very sapping experience.
I've had a very strong wake up call, and I'm trying to pull myself out of my state. I know how hard it is though. By becoming aware of the situation though, it seems to be the first step to either getting out, or making things better. I'm still not at the getting out part, but I'm trying the making things better. It really starts with you though, and how you feel about yourself. You deserve more, no one deserves this kind of treatment. If you want to talk, or share experience we're all here, so always remember that you are never alone.
@FutureDoctorDoc Thanks .. My marraige is not to a breaking point b/c I keep everything all bottled up. I say "yes" all the time when I really want to say "no". I let him push me around. I am not afraid of him, more insecure of what he will say and think. I never even dreamed to be a mechanic! I used to be so obsessive compulsive about dirty stuff and now I get dirty everyday and go home smelling like tranny fluid and brake cleaner! That is b/c my husband intimidated me into learning how to fix cars and work w/him at his auto shop instead of finding my own job. He is insecure about me being on my own I know that, but I never speak up. He doesn't even like me to be alone w/my mother! But I am just prone to follow his rules since I have been w/him so long. I want to stop this! I want to be my old self! Independant and confident and happy! how do you deal w/that?
@TransAm85 Everything you're saying speaks to me in a lot of ways. I'm in the same boat as you are I guess. So many times my mind will scream "no" but my mouth says "yes" and I have another chore or errand added to my list. I just never want to disappoint her, or to have her be angry at me if I haven't done something she wants me to do. It's as though if I don't do everything, then I won't be worthy of her affection and time.
I honestly don't know right know what to say though in terms of exactly what you can do to regain your old self. I think that by taking a bit of time to do something just for you though, every day is a good start. It's what I'm trying (and not always succeeding) to do. I feel as though it is helping for me, most of the time she doesn't know that I'm doing my little thing, it can be something very small. For me it is writing, I do it while I'm appearing to be working, so I'm sitting at the computer regardless. It's something that I used to do a lot of when I was younger and something that I had mostly stopped doing because of her. For me, it's not about doing something against her though, it's very much doing something that is FOR me.
Have you talked to him about how these things make you feel? I hope things start to get better for you.
@FutureDoctorDoc That is the part that is so wrong .. the mind games. You say you are not worthy of her affection or love unless you do things for her or how she says to do them, right? I feel the same, but my husband is a perfectionist, so I feel SO much on tip toes sometimes b/c he is easy to criticize if things are not perfect according to him. It could be a meal and he will say "It's good, but I can make it better" or the transmission case - I use oven cleaner to get all the old dirt off - he will say "I could make it look like new, but I don't have time" .. things are just never good enough. So I have really started looking into why people act like this .. Perfectionist's can evolve from abandonment from parents and my husband's parents passed away when he was only 25, but he left home when he was 17 so .. maybe he didn't have a good relationship w/his parents. Was/Is your wife close w/her parents? Myself, I never had my father around, so I tend to be a cold person who is hard at showing feelings w/words, so instead I wish to show my feelings by helping a person any way I can. Unfortunately that has gotten me into trouble though. Kind hearted people can also be naive. It is hard, but being co dependant or a people pleaser is not good either. So, like you had said, bring back my old self and hobbies? Well I'm 30 now. I'm getting up the ladder to middle age! I think I want to have a child. But this new generation is all technology! What about jump ropes and hopscotch and tag? Playing outside until the street lights come on? lol
@TransAm85 I know exactly what you mean with the tiptoeing and the comments. Things like "your coffee is shit today, I don't know why but you haven't been able to make coffee all week." The perfectionist attitude really gets to me, especially when it is things that she would never do herself. I mean, I will critique someone about something, but I always try to set it in a way that is helpful. I will phrase things "here is how you could do something better" and provide useful feedback or hints on improvements. Or, I do the thing with them the next time to help. What gets to me is when people critique things that they are just too lazy to do, or don't want to do themselves. She'll critique my driving, the route, the way I'm handling the car, everything, but she hasn't driven in over five years, despite me asking her to multiple times. What also gets to me is when it is just assumed that I will do something. I don't know if your husband does this, but she'll sometimes just assume that I will do somehting. She will take something from the fridge for instance, eat some and then leave it on the counter and then get mad at me because she had assumed that I would eat some and put it back when I was done. She is literally getting mad at me because of something she failed to do.
She is actually close with her parents, they're both still alive. I mean if anyone in the relationship should be reacting from loss of parents, it's likely me. Mine were incredibly distant when I was younger and then our relationship completely fell apart when I was 17. I think that on my end though, I became a very isolated person, I could actually go days without talking. My parents were only ever attentive to me when they wanted something from me, or when I had just done something for them.
I'm actually 30 as well, I'm guessing that we actually share a birth year. 30 is nowhere near middle age, don't worry. I would be careful though about having a child. Some of my friends recently had kids but they kind of had their kid for the wrong reasons. Children should never be a band-aid solution for something else. I know what you mean with technology though, all the kids I see have ipads and iphones, and I remember just like catching frogs and running barefoot as a kid. Times certainly have changed. See, now that can show age "back in my day...."
@FutureDoctorDoc Yes I was born in '85. Now these days, they are trying to bring back the 90's fashion and music .. Back in the 90's, they were trying to bring back the 70's! lol Well I guess we have a lot in common, but addressing the situation hasn't been an option? I choose to avoid it b/c yes, I can be a coward. You sound as though you'd do anything for your wife and she just doesn't appreciate it. So how do you suggest to address the situation and not be a coward?
@TransAm85 I've brought elements of her behaviour up in the past, but they are minimized, or somehow explained and excused. She will have been tired, and was grumpy because of that, or she had a bad day, and that was why she told me to 'fucking stop talking' to her.
From the different things that I have read, there is little that can be done to change the behaviour of an emotionally abusive person. You can change yourself however, refind your passions and your interests and your self-esteem. You are worth far more than he treats you. I am worth more than she treats me. These are things I logically know, but emotionally cannot cope with.
Listeners here have told me that my best option may be to get out, but I just never seem to be able to do it. I know the feeling of cowardice, but I don't really know how to change it either, it's fucking terrifying to try and face these things. It sounds like it is this way in your case as well, but are you sort of financially dependent upon him? I know that I'm in a situation where I could be independent, but I just went through a bad patch of basically having no pay for six months and was entirely dependent upon her. It really doesn't help with things, at one point I was wondering if leaving was a good option but realized that I would be homeless with less than $20 to my name and had no idea how to face that.
Not confronting him doesn't have to be cowardice, I know how sometimes it seems more like a question of survival. It's just easier, safer to not say anything, to let the comment go, to ignore what they just said or did. It builds up though. Stay strong though, we'll both get through this yet.
@FutureDoctorDoc That is the part that kills me .. being dependant on him. I screwed up college, so all my past jobs were labor work. Now I work on cars. I am not a licensed auto tech tho. My husband has taught me everything. And since it is his shop, he controls the money and he pays me every Friday. That also intimidates me, like he is the boss and I am his employee, not his wife. But if we separated, I have learned a lot from him, yet I have no license, so it would be hard for me to find a job, so yes .. my independence is basically controlled by him. Ugh .. It's easy to talk to you about it, but I don't address the situation w/him. And hobbies .. I used to have a lot, but since I have been w/him, all my hobbies got flushed down the toilet and I have adapted to his style of things. We are very different, but somehow we fell in love. lol How do you bring back your old hobbies w/o feeling self conscious about your spouse's opinion? He's Mexican so he likes soccer - he says it's the real football, but I like the American football - Green Bay Packers! He likes to listen to his Spanish music/talk shows on the radio and when I change it, he criticizes my preference of music .. I like rap/hip hop, but also Tom Petty and Fleetwood Mac! He likes action movies, especially Fast and Furious b/c it's cars .. I like comedy and horror, so he says I'm a crazy gringa and that's why I like scary movies b/c all the serial killers are gringos and I'm from Wisconsin and so is Jeffrey Dahmer and Ed Gein! lol Idk .. We are opposites, so I am nervous at times to even express my true self!
@TransAm85
Hey,
Just wondering how everything was going and how you were doing. It has been awhile since you posted here, so I wanted to make sure you were alright.
@FutureDoctorDoc I am alright, just trying to fix things so to say. After our convo, I kind of figured out what would really make me happy and erase all this crap w/him .. I'm going to be 31 this year and I am getting old, I would like to have a child. He will never change unless he wants to, but he is the type that plans days and months ahead and he asks me often, what is my goal in the next year or so? I have a hard time answering b/c I revolve my life around him .. Sure, maybe going back to school would be nice, but I'm 30 now. I already screwed up. I was in school for pharmacy, but then screwed that up and tried cosmetology but screwed that up also. Now I have been fixing cars for almost 4 years. I would like to have a child and teach them how to do better than I did. My husband is an asshole, but he would be a good father. Do you think that is stupid? I am just at that age .. in 5 more years, I probably won't be able to have kids. They say after 35, it's harder for women to concieve. I just want to teach someone to do better than me. I made many mistakes in my life and if I could help at least one person .. But anyway, how are you?
Hey @TransAm85,
I'm surviving. Trying to get too many things done in too little time. I think it's good that you are taking the moves to help yourself feel better. I know how it can feel to be getting older, we're both in the same boat with that one! Just because you have failed at something in the past doesn't mean that you can't go back and do better, or go on to do better things in the future. I often think that we allow our past failures too much control in our present decisions. I think it's really good that you want to be able to teach your child how to avoid the trips and stumbles that you may have made. I think that continually improving yourself as you go will really help as well though. Don't let your past hold you back. I think it's also commendable that you are staying in your relationship, but I wouldn't stop trying to create your own little bubble of space where you can nurture yourself and grow. I understand what you say about your husband, sometimes people are very different in how they treat their souses and how they treat their children, neighbours, or family members. I'm not a parent, nor do I intend to be one soon, but I'm going to say something that may bring some backlash. I just want you to be sure that this is what you really want, and that you are doing this for the right reasons. I've seen friends who have had children for the wrong reasons. The way it has affected them, and their child is heartbreaking to watch. I'm sure that you would be a wonderful mother, and I have no doubt about that, I just want to make sure that you will be happy, healthy and supported with him as you move forward.
@FutureDoctorDoc I completely understand some things you mentioned. My mother had my first half brother when she was 18 just to get out of my grandma's, she claimed her step dad was sexually abusing her. She was still young and her husband allowed her to go out and party, race cars (that's one reason I've always had interest in cars - she had a 1970 Dodge Coronet!), and didn't pay much attention to my older half brother. Eventually that marraige fell apart and she met my dad who was a partier, drinker, and loved Harley Davidson. My younger brother and I were born basically b/c neither were thinking. My little brother was born w/several disabilities and it's probably b/c my father was doing cocaine and weed. He left when I was about 5 years old. Maybe he was ashamed or didn't want responsibility. Everything was put on me since I was young b/c my mother had to work all the time and my older brother had his own issues from the divorce .. I've seen a lot of things that still bother me today, but I would never want my child in that same position. I had close friends in middle/high school, but I eventually started rebelling b/c I got sick of being depended on so much. Also, I started losing weight (I used to be a chubby girl) and got more attention from guys, but being since I had no father figure and my mother always portrayed men as junk, I didn't know the difference! I worked on and off and tried school, but things just weren't going right for me, so I ended up escorting for a few years. That deteriorated my self esteem and confidence to zero. I only felt confidant if I was perfectly pretty enough and obeyed the men and felt my thoughts/conversations meant nothing. And that's how I met my husband. He was one of my clients .. he was different and I fell in love w/him, but after our first year of marraige he would throw things in my face about being a prostitute. A lot has changed, but I still have it stuck in my head that men just need a woman to cook, clean, and give it to them daily .. no need for thoughts or conversation. I have a lot to say, but a lot I keep to myself. I think he knows and that's why he calls me stupid sometimes, just to hear my opinion. I'm nervous to say things b/c I think he will laugh at me. He is controlling and maybe part comes from knowing how we met. Yes, I had a pimp at that time and he knows that too. I am done w/all that though. That's why I said I want to have a child .. teach somebody not to make such stupid mistakes like I did. My mother wasn't around for me. All she did was yell and bitch. The only person that taught me compassion and empathy was my little brother. Dare I hear someone criticizing a person w/ADHD or Autism or Bipolar ... they don't know the half of it, so don't even judge. My past does haunt me and it is hard to move forward. How do you erase your mistakes?
@TransAm85
Hey,
Sorry I haven't written in awhile, I've had a rather tumultuous time. I think that there is a very powerful thing that you ask at the end of your message. "How do you erase your mistakes?" TransAm, there's no way to erase mistakes, but here's the thing, they aren't mistakes if you LEARN from them. I've had my share of mistakes, and I am the very last person in the world who would ever forgive myself. I've failed out of college, I had a string of bad jobs, I got fired a few times, I got hit around, I raised myself since I was fairly young because my parents were absent. I thought that the only way to have any form of affection was to do things for other people, and that the only way to be important was to serve. I allowed other people to control me through my guilt, to turn everything into being my fault so that they could take as much as they could from me. These people knew that I never forgive myself even the slightest thing, and they turned that against me. You are a young and beautiful woman, don't you ever let anyone take that away from you. What you did in the past, through choice or necessity does NOT define you. What defines you is how you move forward. How you take all those things you did and you learn from them, and grow as a person because of them, that can define you. The past can never define a person. Here's what I think, I think that we create an image of people like marble statues, we chip away at a block and we think that this large solid thing is the person. But people aren't stone, we aren't solid. People are liquid, we flow we change, we are rivers and torrents, we can burst our banks, we can change our entire route. We can be rapids, whitewater and dangerous, or we can be peaceful streams. But, we are never solid, so don't let yourself think that you are somehow solid and defined by what you have done. I can't undo the things I have done, neither can you, and to attempt to do so will drive you crazy (trust me, I know). Learn from everything, and let yourself GROW not in spite of your mistakes, but rather grow BECAUSE of your mistakes. Listen to Teddy Roosevelt "Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat." Turn your life into a story, make it an adventure, there are no mistakes, only lessons to be learned.
I hope you're well,
Doc
@FutureDoctorDoc I like to compare humans to cars .. I'm getting older, so my front brake pads and rotors are getting rusty, my differential is ready to go, my drive shaft hurts everyday, and I think it's the clutches or maybe the sun gear in my tranny that's giving me a constant headache .. I stopped partying/drinking about 5 years ago, so my engine is pretty good, cept the fried food I eat. I wish I could go back to being that 1985 Pontiac Trans Am .. but, I am more like a big old fashioned Lincoln Town Car now. lol! But either way, whether humans are like cars or rivers or concrete statues .. something's gotta give eventually, but some people don't know how to move on. You and I have a lot of similarities. What about a perfectionist? My husband is one
@TransAm85
Hey, yeah, I get the analogy to cars, but if I had to give mine, then I like to think of myself more like, well I'm not exactly sure what car I am. Probably something small, but with a good amount of get up and go. However, I recently had a rusted section that was the really bad kind of surface rust wher eyou need someone to come in and cut out a chunk of the panelling before you lose the whole car. Also, I recently had a bit too much acid in my gas tank that burned a hole into the lining. My engine and transmission are good, although I do really have the tendency to ignore the check engine light, because I feel like if I just power through, that everything will be fine. My acceleration is a bit down on what it used to be, but my engine still idles in a nice low way. I feel as though what I need is to drop the engine, and do a full rebuild.
I used to love cars, and love driving. But it turned into such a chore. Whether I wanted to or was even able to drive sometimes, I had to do it. That fluid movement though, sometimes on the back country roads, it was so peaceful and zen, such a calming experience. I used to have a 91 VW Passat, and say what you want, the germans know how to make a car that wants to go fast. That car wanted to go fast. I would get onto the back roads near where I lived, at 2 in the morning coming home and you could feel it asking for a bit more gas, a bit more speed. I would just watch the road and listen to the car, time would slow, the car would get a bit jittery on the road, skipping from side to side and then there was this beuatiful moment where the aero would kick in and it would suddenly sink down, the tires would grow claws and grip the road. There was nothing but me and the headlights. I would just let it climb, let it run, let it breathe and do exactly what it wanted and that car would answer. Within moments I'd be liquid metal just flowing down the road, every bump, every dip tingling through the wheels, up the suspension through the seat and up my back, through the wheel and across my fingers through the pedals and up my legs. The road talked, the car talked and I would be silent, I would be calm, I was at peace. It's strange but that speed, that ludicrous speed was so calming for me. I like to ski too, and that speed calls to me. Pushing it right to the very edge, I'm calmest it seems, when I'm a razor's edge from oblivion. When you push something to the point where every single millimetre makes a difference, where you can't think about anything but the exact moment at hand. It is the perfect living in the present. If I'm distracted for an instant then I'm going down, and I will be broken, so I focus and nothing else exists. Whether it be the car and the road, or the skis and the snow, nothing else exists in that moment and it is bliss, it is zen.
As to your question, she was a perfectionist, but also an inconsistent perfectionist. She would tell me to do something a certain way, and then when she came back, it would have been the wrong way. The worst was that she would get mad at me for having done something, and then minutes after getting mad at me, she would want me to do the same thing again.
I actually left a few days ago. There was an argument, and I got hit. After the last time that I got hit, I told myself, next time she hits, you have to leave. I'd said things like that a thousand times before and then when the next time came around I would just tell myself, alright, next time. Only this time I hit my limit. I got hit and there was no next time. There was this time. This time I walked away.
Just wanting to affirm you @FutureDoctorDoc for sticking to your limit and walking away. Please take good care of your self and know that we are here in support.
@FutureDoctorDoc When I went to Mexico, I actually saw a really old VW Rabbit, but I don't know what year it is. I should support Volkswagen, I am partially German, but for some reason I like SUV's and trucks. My very first car was a little '89 Ford Festiva, maybe that's why I don't like little cars anymore! I watch this program sometimes where people do street racing and have their cars all fixed up inside for safety, yet they use that Nitro to boost the speed, and some are so stupid b/c they either have only rear wheel or front wheel drive and the cars are flipping all over the place! We all have our limits. I'm glad you got the courage to get out of your situation. You will be much happier now. Soon I will be running out of all the tranny fluid I got and just give up. I won't go forward nor reverse, I'll just be stuck in the same spot until it blows entirely and a rebuild isn't even an option. Don't be a sucker though and let her sweet talk you to come back. There are SO many more women out there that would love to have a nice guy like you. A guy w/a heart and feelings. :)
@TransAm85
Hey, just because you're low on fluid doesn't mean you're stuck. There's always room for change, and there's always a way to change. I had thought for a really long time that I would never change my situation. I figured that I would just accept it, live with it and die with it. But in those moments before I left, accepting was no longer an option. I knew that I could stay, but that I wouldn't be surviving if I stayed, I wouldn't truly be living if I stayed. Don't wait for it to explode, do what YOU need to do for YOU. I know how incredibly terrifying it is, the sheer and absolute panic that can build up in your chest cutting off your air. You are strong, and you are smart and you know deep down what's best for you. Relax, listen to your gut and do it.
@FutureDoctorDoc Im sorry this is happening to you maybe you should talk to a listener and see what they say
@FutureDoctorDoc
@FutureDoctorDoc things that I used to enjoy have no longer become enjoyable, I constantly feel watched, as if I am supposed to be on my best behaviour at all times, and the voices tend to get unbearable at night, and it's all because I listen to my mother's words, and let them consume me. It's horrible, and I really do wish I could get out of this. I relate with you and I wish I could help you, too.
@dunyaaa02
Hello,
We're all here because we know that something isn't right in how we're being treated. Identifying what is happening is the first step to making things better. What can I do to help you?
Agree with you @FutureDoctorDoc, the first step is identifying what is happening and recognising that it isn't right. Then its about looking after oneself, reclaiming the self that may have been lost in this relationship. As you said before change only comes slowly and beginning to pick up.old hobbies and interests can be part of this. Knowing too that we can only change our selves, and we may "rock the boat", but remembering we deserve better. And we need support... let's keep supporting each other here!
@rozie, I'm gonna take a second and tag some other people here: @TransAm85 @dunyaaa02
Alright now that that's taken care of, I want to say this. Rocking the boat is, I think sometimes the second most essential part of this process. The first being taking care of yourself. Here's why:
As human beings, we find it very easy to get comfortable in a situationand just accept it. We say things like: that I can deal with this, this isn't too bad, I can survive this, well if I quit now then it's all been wasted time. It's so easy to lull outselves into this false sense of security, maintaining hope that if we just stay the course that things will get better. Nothing will change without action (although I am incredibly guilty of inaction myself). Rocking the boat is a way of changing a course, or shaking things up so that both sides of the relationship may be forced to examine things. Here's why we need to rock the boat. Maybe the other person doesn't see what they do, or doesn't see it as a bad thing. We have no control over them, but by being there for OURSELVES and by pushing towards our own interests and well being we are supporting ourselves. If this causes friction then it means that the other person is not looking out for us. If there is resistance to you doing something good for you, then the person doing the resisting is not looking out for you. If you do nothing then there are two possible outcomes, either things stay exactly the same, or the other person treats you even worse because they will ALWAYS push your limits. If you don't tell them to stop right where they are, then they will just keep going. However, if you do rock the boat, then the only outcome is a good one. You empower yourself, you stand up for yourself. By rocking the boat, you bring things to light and you will either cause improvement in the situation (yeah!) or you will make things to the point where you will know that things will never improve and that you probably should leave. If you are pushed to the point of leavng it means that you are BETTER without them. Irregardless throughout all of this, you are empowering yourself. You are what matters, and for all the limits that they have pushed, all the boundaries you have set that they then went through, you are putting those back up, you are telling them that it is not ok and you are putting yourself back where you need to be. So rock the boat, because it means that you are standing up for you. Because YOU matter, I matter, WE matter and people who can't see that need to be thrown overboard.
@FutureDoctorDoc I found this article today .. It kind of suits my situation, wanted to know if you could relate? -
"Emotional abuse is a form of brain-washing that slowly erodes the victims sense of self-worth, security, and trust in themselves and others. In many ways, it is more detrimental than physical abuse because it slowly disintegrates ones sense of self and personal value. It cuts to the core of your essential being, which can create lifelong psychological scars and emotional pain."
I thought it described my life right now in a nutshell! And as you said, we can get ourselves back to the way we once were, just have to set boundaries and have courage and be affirmative. Today I told him I am sick of being treated like an employee or some random person and he bosses me around. His response was that, we are supposed to be in this together and you are the wife, so you do the wifey things! Changing ball joints during the day and cooking dinner at night and washing your dirty underwear doesn't sound exactly like a normal wife situation when all you do is criticize me! Well anyway, I hope you have a good weekend! :)
@TransAm85 I can certainly relate to that article too. It's strange how pervasive teh actions can be, how it sinks deep down and just erodes you without you even realizing it. I'm so glad you are standing up for yourself though! You need a partner, and you need him to be a partner. Let me know how things are going and I wish you a good weekend as well!
Much needed, thanks!
Emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse maybe in some ways worse. Trubbles Cat Box is a great website for identifying verbal abuse and how to respond.
Remember, none of the abuse has anything to do with you! Your job is to realize you deserve to be treated with love, compassion, loyalty, and respect. The reason we put up with this is because we believe it's all we can get or all we deserve..
I suggest finding a journal and hide and lock it write in that journal positive I am statements about yourself everyday. Look in the mirror and say "I love you" or even start with "I allow myself to love you" everyday.
When you are ready reach out for help to a counselor, a support group, or someone you trust. Try to set boundaries and stick to them. I also recommend the book by Melody Beattie "Codependent no more".
Most importantly be good to you and say positive things to yourself. You deserve so much more than you realize! Sending love, light, prayers.
I was twelve last year when there was first domestic violence in my house, and not towards me. I don't understand why people don't think of the emotional abuse the kids recieve in domestic violence situations. It really tore apart everything. There is one night that always comes back to haunt me that I don't tell anybody, and I don't think I could and still be sane. That is how bad domestic violence really is. And people get uncomfortable talking about it, and no one does anything! Sorry for my mini rant.
@morgan1910
I'm glad that you're willing to share your story. I think it's really important to address the impact that violence, even when it isn't directed at us, can have on the emotional state and well-being of children or anyone else. Thanks for sharing, and if you ever want to talk about it more, we're here.
When I was 15 domestic violence, physical abuse, etc. use to take place at regularly. It was difficult to live in such a condition. I finally decided to take the help of a lawyer my case is still being run under the guidance of family law lawyers Centreville, VA. Hoping for the best.
@ElaineDorsey
I'm so sorry to hear that you went through that. I hope that you're doing better and getting all the support that you need. I really hope your case works out for you :) We're here if you ever need to talk.
@FutureDoctorDoc
I have been through, still going through what you are going through. But I am hoping for a light at the end of the tunnel real soon..... If you ever need to talk about things I will listen. Just message me. You need to get your strength and power back only you should look after that not someone else.
I'm assuming there is no new category for emotional abuse because this took forever to find, but I'd like help with my situation as well I just don't know what to look under when I go into chats or therapists or forums....
Yes this is the forum for emotional abuse @Elinxs27.... so glad that you have found us here and sorry it took a while. And to look for those therapists and listeners who list Domestic Violence as a category they deal with would be a guide in seeking support. you. You deserve the support you need... nobody deserves emotional abuse. We are here for you.
@rozie Thank you so much :) If I ever feel like talking, I'll be sure to come to here from now on
So this is my story.
I am the oldest child in the family. I have a younger brother who is three years younger than me. I have always noticed that my family always favours my brother more. And being the oldest, my parents expect me to be a good example. At a young age, I already had to cook, clean, do laundry for everyone. I understand that my parents have to work but they hardly ever help me. The least they could do is show me appreciation, right?
I am currently only a teen, so it means I have school and homework. I have extra curriculum activities 3 times a week, the activity being a sport and ending at 6-630pm. I get home tired and I still have to do everything for the family. But it seems that my family focuses more on my mistakes. One small thing I do wrong I'll get verbal abuse from my parents especially my birthgiver. I hardly ever get a break. I'm currently seeing a counsellor in my school without telling my parents. It helps a bit but currently the mental/emotional abuse is getting too much.
So sorry to hear what you are going throigh @NxxxxH and I'm gald that you are able to share this here. Its tough when it seems that only your mistakes are picked up on and there is little aprreciation for all that you are doing at home. I know that mental/emotional abuse is so damaging and can understand when you say its getting too much.But your awareness is a positive and seeking help for your self like seeing your counselor and posting here shows courage. I hope that reading what is written here will let you know that you are not alone, that others share your experience, and may this bring you encouragement.We care and are here for you.
Hello again. This has gone too far. I think it's starting to affect me in a worse way...I'm already depressed and have anxiety, possibly ptsd and bpd. Now I'm afraid I'm physically abusive. I've always been one to fight with my younger sister physically because I'm not good at words and Ive never known how to stand up to a smart mouth. She's disrespectful and I cannot stand her anymore. If it wasn't for my SO I'd have relapsed tonight. My mother is also extremely emotionally and verbally abusive - my sister got it from her I'm assuming. I've never hated anyone more than I do. I always feel betrayed and I'm scared because in my head I think I'd feel better if she were never born or worse and I feel awful and that makes me feel like I don't deserve life and I already feel so worthless...idk what to do. Please help I'm so sorry. :(
@Elinxs27 i feel u my mother and sister say lots of painful words. I want you to know that you are worth it, and you are stronger than you think!!! Be brave and speak up!! I believe in you.
