Emotional abuse
Hello all,
I was just wondering if there was a thread for emotional abuse. I sometimes feel rather intimidated because I'm not in a situation that is necessarily domestic violence, but still often feels abusive nonetheless. If there isn't a thread then, could we possibly start one?
Thanks,
Doc
Hello @futureDoctordoc,Think you raise a very valid point here.Emotional abuse is more subtle and often less noticed, but certainly fits into this category.How about we start a thread?
This is what I believe to be an important topic that does not get enough "air time". Check this out.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201308/the-invisible-power-childhood-emotional-neglect
Ok, I'm going to try to start this up, if we move this thread I'll just post this again there as well.
My parents were very absent when I was a child, attention was to the other child who was their star and I was only attended to either when hurt, when they needed something from me, or when I was in trouble. As a result, I came to see that the only way to garner affection was to do things for you.
This has led me into my current relationship which, from things I've read, does appear to be emotionally abusive. However, I seem to be powerless to escape it. I'm constantly taken for granted, neglected and if I've done anything even the slightest bit wrong then all affection is immediately removed. Combined with my learned behaviour from when I was a child, I basically do anything and everything that is asked of me regardless of my own needs, wants or desires. I have sat and watched over the years as things that used to be fun for me, have become tedious tasks with no pleasure or enjoyment. I have watched my life slowly be reduced to a complete hollowness. I have been repeatedly cheated on, and often feel incredibly unimportant.
I know these things logically, yet I am unable to just leave, or seemingly to really work towards changing my situation. It is my inability to do the actions that would change my lot in life though that has left me with perhaps the most self-loathing and self-disgust. I know what is happening, I know it will happen again, but I never seem to do anything to avoid it.
Thank you for beginning this thread and sharing your experience @FutureDoctorDoc. It is in telling our stories that often others get to recognize what is happening in their lives. Emotional abuse strikes the very soul, it is subtle and not readily identified. We may start to realize that we are being undermined and losing our sense of self.My heart goes out to you when you talk about your inability to do the actions that would change your lot. That's what emotional abuse does...it paralyzes us.. like being caught in a web from which there doesn't seem to be any escape. But your awareness and understanding can be the key to beginning to find your self again and the strength that you have... slowly step by step. I read the post you wrote in another forum and appreciate your care and encouragement for someone else. Now its time to use that caring and encouragement for your self. You're worthy of it. And here in support of you.
@rozie Is this characterized as similar to codependancy?
Hello @TransAm85 and sorry its been a while. Yes I think it could also be described as a kind of co dependency as one learns to tiptoe around the abuser, and to "please" them,(which is not likely to happen) Then it becomes so normal that one doesn't realize that you are losing your self in this.Others may notice the changes but it is usually so subtle and manipulative that the person in the relationship often doesn't... until they get a "wake up call."
@rozie Well I ask this b/c yes, I am always trying to please my husband and over the past 5 years, I have completely lost my identity. I am just starting to come to terms w/this b/c I am 30 years old, yet I allow myself to be treated like a slave basically. I love my husband, he doesn't hit me or yell at me, but he intimidates me to the point where I feel obligated to do as he says all the time. He is old fashioned so he looks to women as being housewives and mothers. I wasn't raised that way b/c my father left when I was about 4 or 5. I was raised to work and support myself and be independent, so that is one big difference we have. I would like to have a child someday, but I am so frustrated with myself b/c I allow my husband to treat me this way. My self esteem has gone down to 0 and I don't even like to get dressed up anymore cept Sundays when we go to church. I work w/him at his auto shop, so I really cannot dress up anyway, but weekends, I have no ambition to go anywhere. I feel ugly and ashamed and I am just sick of it. I think intimidation is part of emotional abuse?
@TransAm85 I know exactly how you feel. I am a taxi, cleaner, errand runner, personal assistant, tech support and everything for my wife. I never really feel appreciated or desired, nor do I ever really have the desire to do anything. It's a very sapping experience.
I've had a very strong wake up call, and I'm trying to pull myself out of my state. I know how hard it is though. By becoming aware of the situation though, it seems to be the first step to either getting out, or making things better. I'm still not at the getting out part, but I'm trying the making things better. It really starts with you though, and how you feel about yourself. You deserve more, no one deserves this kind of treatment. If you want to talk, or share experience we're all here, so always remember that you are never alone.
@FutureDoctorDoc Thanks .. My marraige is not to a breaking point b/c I keep everything all bottled up. I say "yes" all the time when I really want to say "no". I let him push me around. I am not afraid of him, more insecure of what he will say and think. I never even dreamed to be a mechanic! I used to be so obsessive compulsive about dirty stuff and now I get dirty everyday and go home smelling like tranny fluid and brake cleaner! That is b/c my husband intimidated me into learning how to fix cars and work w/him at his auto shop instead of finding my own job. He is insecure about me being on my own I know that, but I never speak up. He doesn't even like me to be alone w/my mother! But I am just prone to follow his rules since I have been w/him so long. I want to stop this! I want to be my old self! Independant and confident and happy! how do you deal w/that?
@TransAm85 Everything you're saying speaks to me in a lot of ways. I'm in the same boat as you are I guess. So many times my mind will scream "no" but my mouth says "yes" and I have another chore or errand added to my list. I just never want to disappoint her, or to have her be angry at me if I haven't done something she wants me to do. It's as though if I don't do everything, then I won't be worthy of her affection and time.
I honestly don't know right know what to say though in terms of exactly what you can do to regain your old self. I think that by taking a bit of time to do something just for you though, every day is a good start. It's what I'm trying (and not always succeeding) to do. I feel as though it is helping for me, most of the time she doesn't know that I'm doing my little thing, it can be something very small. For me it is writing, I do it while I'm appearing to be working, so I'm sitting at the computer regardless. It's something that I used to do a lot of when I was younger and something that I had mostly stopped doing because of her. For me, it's not about doing something against her though, it's very much doing something that is FOR me.
Have you talked to him about how these things make you feel? I hope things start to get better for you.
@FutureDoctorDoc That is the part that is so wrong .. the mind games. You say you are not worthy of her affection or love unless you do things for her or how she says to do them, right? I feel the same, but my husband is a perfectionist, so I feel SO much on tip toes sometimes b/c he is easy to criticize if things are not perfect according to him. It could be a meal and he will say "It's good, but I can make it better" or the transmission case - I use oven cleaner to get all the old dirt off - he will say "I could make it look like new, but I don't have time" .. things are just never good enough. So I have really started looking into why people act like this .. Perfectionist's can evolve from abandonment from parents and my husband's parents passed away when he was only 25, but he left home when he was 17 so .. maybe he didn't have a good relationship w/his parents. Was/Is your wife close w/her parents? Myself, I never had my father around, so I tend to be a cold person who is hard at showing feelings w/words, so instead I wish to show my feelings by helping a person any way I can. Unfortunately that has gotten me into trouble though. Kind hearted people can also be naive. It is hard, but being co dependant or a people pleaser is not good either. So, like you had said, bring back my old self and hobbies? Well I'm 30 now. I'm getting up the ladder to middle age! I think I want to have a child. But this new generation is all technology! What about jump ropes and hopscotch and tag? Playing outside until the street lights come on? lol
@TransAm85 I know exactly what you mean with the tiptoeing and the comments. Things like "your coffee is shit today, I don't know why but you haven't been able to make coffee all week." The perfectionist attitude really gets to me, especially when it is things that she would never do herself. I mean, I will critique someone about something, but I always try to set it in a way that is helpful. I will phrase things "here is how you could do something better" and provide useful feedback or hints on improvements. Or, I do the thing with them the next time to help. What gets to me is when people critique things that they are just too lazy to do, or don't want to do themselves. She'll critique my driving, the route, the way I'm handling the car, everything, but she hasn't driven in over five years, despite me asking her to multiple times. What also gets to me is when it is just assumed that I will do something. I don't know if your husband does this, but she'll sometimes just assume that I will do somehting. She will take something from the fridge for instance, eat some and then leave it on the counter and then get mad at me because she had assumed that I would eat some and put it back when I was done. She is literally getting mad at me because of something she failed to do.
She is actually close with her parents, they're both still alive. I mean if anyone in the relationship should be reacting from loss of parents, it's likely me. Mine were incredibly distant when I was younger and then our relationship completely fell apart when I was 17. I think that on my end though, I became a very isolated person, I could actually go days without talking. My parents were only ever attentive to me when they wanted something from me, or when I had just done something for them.
I'm actually 30 as well, I'm guessing that we actually share a birth year. 30 is nowhere near middle age, don't worry. I would be careful though about having a child. Some of my friends recently had kids but they kind of had their kid for the wrong reasons. Children should never be a band-aid solution for something else. I know what you mean with technology though, all the kids I see have ipads and iphones, and I remember just like catching frogs and running barefoot as a kid. Times certainly have changed. See, now that can show age "back in my day...."
@FutureDoctorDoc Yes I was born in '85. Now these days, they are trying to bring back the 90's fashion and music .. Back in the 90's, they were trying to bring back the 70's! lol Well I guess we have a lot in common, but addressing the situation hasn't been an option? I choose to avoid it b/c yes, I can be a coward. You sound as though you'd do anything for your wife and she just doesn't appreciate it. So how do you suggest to address the situation and not be a coward?
@TransAm85 I've brought elements of her behaviour up in the past, but they are minimized, or somehow explained and excused. She will have been tired, and was grumpy because of that, or she had a bad day, and that was why she told me to 'fucking stop talking' to her.
From the different things that I have read, there is little that can be done to change the behaviour of an emotionally abusive person. You can change yourself however, refind your passions and your interests and your self-esteem. You are worth far more than he treats you. I am worth more than she treats me. These are things I logically know, but emotionally cannot cope with.
Listeners here have told me that my best option may be to get out, but I just never seem to be able to do it. I know the feeling of cowardice, but I don't really know how to change it either, it's fucking terrifying to try and face these things. It sounds like it is this way in your case as well, but are you sort of financially dependent upon him? I know that I'm in a situation where I could be independent, but I just went through a bad patch of basically having no pay for six months and was entirely dependent upon her. It really doesn't help with things, at one point I was wondering if leaving was a good option but realized that I would be homeless with less than $20 to my name and had no idea how to face that.
Not confronting him doesn't have to be cowardice, I know how sometimes it seems more like a question of survival. It's just easier, safer to not say anything, to let the comment go, to ignore what they just said or did. It builds up though. Stay strong though, we'll both get through this yet.
@FutureDoctorDoc That is the part that kills me .. being dependant on him. I screwed up college, so all my past jobs were labor work. Now I work on cars. I am not a licensed auto tech tho. My husband has taught me everything. And since it is his shop, he controls the money and he pays me every Friday. That also intimidates me, like he is the boss and I am his employee, not his wife. But if we separated, I have learned a lot from him, yet I have no license, so it would be hard for me to find a job, so yes .. my independence is basically controlled by him. Ugh .. It's easy to talk to you about it, but I don't address the situation w/him. And hobbies .. I used to have a lot, but since I have been w/him, all my hobbies got flushed down the toilet and I have adapted to his style of things. We are very different, but somehow we fell in love. lol How do you bring back your old hobbies w/o feeling self conscious about your spouse's opinion? He's Mexican so he likes soccer - he says it's the real football, but I like the American football - Green Bay Packers! He likes to listen to his Spanish music/talk shows on the radio and when I change it, he criticizes my preference of music .. I like rap/hip hop, but also Tom Petty and Fleetwood Mac! He likes action movies, especially Fast and Furious b/c it's cars .. I like comedy and horror, so he says I'm a crazy gringa and that's why I like scary movies b/c all the serial killers are gringos and I'm from Wisconsin and so is Jeffrey Dahmer and Ed Gein! lol Idk .. We are opposites, so I am nervous at times to even express my true self!
@TransAm85 Hey,
I know what you mean about being able, in a way, to talk to anyone but your spouse about how they make you feel. I'm certainly glad that I can be someone you can talk to. I know how it is though, it's almost like any time that you bring any of it up, they react as though you are attacking them. It's so scary how someone can get you so dependent upon them. Have you discussed with him about whether you could get your certification? You could maybe explain that it would be good, and a nice way of assuring customers if you were to be certified too, then you could tell people that there are multiple certified mechanics who can work on their car, and it can be a selling point for the garage. Maybe even that he could charge a bit more if you were certified? An additional advantage is that you would already know almost everything you need for the classes, and if you have to do an apprenticeship, you would do it in his garage anyways. There are a lot of tax deductions (at least where I'm from) for places that take on apprentices and a lot of grants to pay for the courses. You could look into it, and maybe even find a way that getting your certification would bring in some extra money. I'm sure that you could gind a way to make it sound like a big positive and additionally, you would have your certification and proof of your competence if you ever had to leave.
I honestly don't really know about how exactly to bring up your old hobbies. My wife and I are also rather opposites, I'm a very outdoors person and she is very city-girl. I know how it is, to have so many things that acutally interest you and to be so unable to share them with the person you are with. What I'm trying to do though, is that there are the occasional activities I do, that are like an entire day, but I do them very rarely. I ski, and normally we ski together, but I want to go sometime and do it on my own. I intend to use the excuse that having completed a bunch of work, it would be a nice reward for me to be able to go and ski. Because it's not something that happens often, and because she would be busy anyways, I think that I should be able to go and do it and it would be a nice break and pause for me. I sometimes feel that bringing these things back in slowly would work best, because then it's almost less noticable. Change is slow, but possible. Have you tried doing things while he is doing his hobby? For example, if you're watching soccer, maybe you could check and on score of a Packers game, and when he asks you could say that watching soccer with him reminded you of how much you like American Football as well and were just curious about how they were doing. Try to bring in your interests as positives. I know how hard it is though, it's like with my spouse, I really like a lot of things that she doesn't and I can never just be like "no, this movie is boring me to death and I feel as though I am wasting my life watching it." But I'm sure that things will get better, and I'm sure they will get better for you too. I have confidence, and patience.
@FutureDoctorDoc Im sorry this is happening to you maybe you should talk to a listener and see what they say
@FutureDoctorDoc
@FutureDoctorDoc things that I used to enjoy have no longer become enjoyable, I constantly feel watched, as if I am supposed to be on my best behaviour at all times, and the voices tend to get unbearable at night, and it's all because I listen to my mother's words, and let them consume me. It's horrible, and I really do wish I could get out of this. I relate with you and I wish I could help you, too.
@dunyaaa02
Hello,
We're all here because we know that something isn't right in how we're being treated. Identifying what is happening is the first step to making things better. What can I do to help you?
Agree with you @FutureDoctorDoc, the first step is identifying what is happening and recognising that it isn't right. Then its about looking after oneself, reclaiming the self that may have been lost in this relationship. As you said before change only comes slowly and beginning to pick up.old hobbies and interests can be part of this. Knowing too that we can only change our selves, and we may "rock the boat", but remembering we deserve better. And we need support... let's keep supporting each other here!
@rozie, I'm gonna take a second and tag some other people here: @TransAm85 @dunyaaa02
Alright now that that's taken care of, I want to say this. Rocking the boat is, I think sometimes the second most essential part of this process. The first being taking care of yourself. Here's why:
As human beings, we find it very easy to get comfortable in a situationand just accept it. We say things like: that I can deal with this, this isn't too bad, I can survive this, well if I quit now then it's all been wasted time. It's so easy to lull outselves into this false sense of security, maintaining hope that if we just stay the course that things will get better. Nothing will change without action (although I am incredibly guilty of inaction myself). Rocking the boat is a way of changing a course, or shaking things up so that both sides of the relationship may be forced to examine things. Here's why we need to rock the boat. Maybe the other person doesn't see what they do, or doesn't see it as a bad thing. We have no control over them, but by being there for OURSELVES and by pushing towards our own interests and well being we are supporting ourselves. If this causes friction then it means that the other person is not looking out for us. If there is resistance to you doing something good for you, then the person doing the resisting is not looking out for you. If you do nothing then there are two possible outcomes, either things stay exactly the same, or the other person treats you even worse because they will ALWAYS push your limits. If you don't tell them to stop right where they are, then they will just keep going. However, if you do rock the boat, then the only outcome is a good one. You empower yourself, you stand up for yourself. By rocking the boat, you bring things to light and you will either cause improvement in the situation (yeah!) or you will make things to the point where you will know that things will never improve and that you probably should leave. If you are pushed to the point of leavng it means that you are BETTER without them. Irregardless throughout all of this, you are empowering yourself. You are what matters, and for all the limits that they have pushed, all the boundaries you have set that they then went through, you are putting those back up, you are telling them that it is not ok and you are putting yourself back where you need to be. So rock the boat, because it means that you are standing up for you. Because YOU matter, I matter, WE matter and people who can't see that need to be thrown overboard.
@FutureDoctorDoc I found this article today .. It kind of suits my situation, wanted to know if you could relate? -
"Emotional abuse is a form of brain-washing that slowly erodes the victims sense of self-worth, security, and trust in themselves and others. In many ways, it is more detrimental than physical abuse because it slowly disintegrates ones sense of self and personal value. It cuts to the core of your essential being, which can create lifelong psychological scars and emotional pain."
I thought it described my life right now in a nutshell! And as you said, we can get ourselves back to the way we once were, just have to set boundaries and have courage and be affirmative. Today I told him I am sick of being treated like an employee or some random person and he bosses me around. His response was that, we are supposed to be in this together and you are the wife, so you do the wifey things! Changing ball joints during the day and cooking dinner at night and washing your dirty underwear doesn't sound exactly like a normal wife situation when all you do is criticize me! Well anyway, I hope you have a good weekend! :)
@TransAm85 I can certainly relate to that article too. It's strange how pervasive teh actions can be, how it sinks deep down and just erodes you without you even realizing it. I'm so glad you are standing up for yourself though! You need a partner, and you need him to be a partner. Let me know how things are going and I wish you a good weekend as well!
Much needed, thanks!
Emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse maybe in some ways worse. Trubbles Cat Box is a great website for identifying verbal abuse and how to respond.
Remember, none of the abuse has anything to do with you! Your job is to realize you deserve to be treated with love, compassion, loyalty, and respect. The reason we put up with this is because we believe it's all we can get or all we deserve..
I suggest finding a journal and hide and lock it write in that journal positive I am statements about yourself everyday. Look in the mirror and say "I love you" or even start with "I allow myself to love you" everyday.
When you are ready reach out for help to a counselor, a support group, or someone you trust. Try to set boundaries and stick to them. I also recommend the book by Melody Beattie "Codependent no more".
Most importantly be good to you and say positive things to yourself. You deserve so much more than you realize! Sending love, light, prayers.
I was twelve last year when there was first domestic violence in my house, and not towards me. I don't understand why people don't think of the emotional abuse the kids recieve in domestic violence situations. It really tore apart everything. There is one night that always comes back to haunt me that I don't tell anybody, and I don't think I could and still be sane. That is how bad domestic violence really is. And people get uncomfortable talking about it, and no one does anything! Sorry for my mini rant.
@morgan1910
I'm glad that you're willing to share your story. I think it's really important to address the impact that violence, even when it isn't directed at us, can have on the emotional state and well-being of children or anyone else. Thanks for sharing, and if you ever want to talk about it more, we're here.
When I was 15 domestic violence, physical abuse, etc. use to take place at regularly. It was difficult to live in such a condition. I finally decided to take the help of a lawyer my case is still being run under the guidance of family law lawyers Centreville, VA. Hoping for the best.
@ElaineDorsey
I'm so sorry to hear that you went through that. I hope that you're doing better and getting all the support that you need. I really hope your case works out for you :) We're here if you ever need to talk.
@FutureDoctorDoc
I have been through, still going through what you are going through. But I am hoping for a light at the end of the tunnel real soon..... If you ever need to talk about things I will listen. Just message me. You need to get your strength and power back only you should look after that not someone else.
I'm assuming there is no new category for emotional abuse because this took forever to find, but I'd like help with my situation as well I just don't know what to look under when I go into chats or therapists or forums....
Yes this is the forum for emotional abuse @Elinxs27.... so glad that you have found us here and sorry it took a while. And to look for those therapists and listeners who list Domestic Violence as a category they deal with would be a guide in seeking support. you. You deserve the support you need... nobody deserves emotional abuse. We are here for you.
@rozie Thank you so much :) If I ever feel like talking, I'll be sure to come to here from now on
So this is my story.
I am the oldest child in the family. I have a younger brother who is three years younger than me. I have always noticed that my family always favours my brother more. And being the oldest, my parents expect me to be a good example. At a young age, I already had to cook, clean, do laundry for everyone. I understand that my parents have to work but they hardly ever help me. The least they could do is show me appreciation, right?
I am currently only a teen, so it means I have school and homework. I have extra curriculum activities 3 times a week, the activity being a sport and ending at 6-630pm. I get home tired and I still have to do everything for the family. But it seems that my family focuses more on my mistakes. One small thing I do wrong I'll get verbal abuse from my parents especially my birthgiver. I hardly ever get a break. I'm currently seeing a counsellor in my school without telling my parents. It helps a bit but currently the mental/emotional abuse is getting too much.
So sorry to hear what you are going throigh @NxxxxH and I'm gald that you are able to share this here. Its tough when it seems that only your mistakes are picked up on and there is little aprreciation for all that you are doing at home. I know that mental/emotional abuse is so damaging and can understand when you say its getting too much.But your awareness is a positive and seeking help for your self like seeing your counselor and posting here shows courage. I hope that reading what is written here will let you know that you are not alone, that others share your experience, and may this bring you encouragement.We care and are here for you.
Hello again. This has gone too far. I think it's starting to affect me in a worse way...I'm already depressed and have anxiety, possibly ptsd and bpd. Now I'm afraid I'm physically abusive. I've always been one to fight with my younger sister physically because I'm not good at words and Ive never known how to stand up to a smart mouth. She's disrespectful and I cannot stand her anymore. If it wasn't for my SO I'd have relapsed tonight. My mother is also extremely emotionally and verbally abusive - my sister got it from her I'm assuming. I've never hated anyone more than I do. I always feel betrayed and I'm scared because in my head I think I'd feel better if she were never born or worse and I feel awful and that makes me feel like I don't deserve life and I already feel so worthless...idk what to do. Please help I'm so sorry. :(
@Elinxs27 i feel u my mother and sister say lots of painful words. I want you to know that you are worth it, and you are stronger than you think!!! Be brave and speak up!! I believe in you.