Emotional abuse

@FutureDoctorDoc I agree, we so need this category. I don't remember if they do have one. ☺...

@FutureDoctorDoc

my girlfriend claims that my depression caused me to be emotionally abusive. She was extremely codependent on me because I saved her from her depression. She doesn't know how to help me, so she left me. How do I fix a relationship broken by emotional abuse? I'm trying to change for her, and I'm trying to get over my depression so I can be the guy she loves, but she's scared of me because of the power she says I have over her. What do I do?

@CDA Hi, you're in the right place to help for a start. My own situation is very similar to yours and it's not easy. If you truly know you want to be with her then definitely look at your own issues to begin with, tell her you're talking on here and you're committed to a better life

@ the most nephews is violence you can be just as detrimental physical if not worse and vice versa I'm sure. I've been through some of the same things here lately and its benefits in tough but the bad thing it's coming out of it is hopefully not hopefully I will recover fully and be stronger than I ever was before and I can really see how my husband is I got sick and cooking work in boy did I see another size small side that was already there but you know what happened over a year is a little here a little there a little hair a little there and then BAM. So definitely if there's emotionally is going on that's abuse hitting the wall that's abuse that's considered abuse getting things dressings cuz of the hangers that is a booth. So yes hopefully they'll be more talk and discussion and information about emotional abuse that is what brought me to fax Evans cup I've been here before it had the app but I never heard really use it and I thought this time around it 7th Avenue check that out and see if there soon things on there and because of the domestic issues and I'm glad of that I did cuz I really need it to talk and I could text and I mean I was reaching out and texting people and there like what the hell and anyways thanks for listening.1 American honey

@1AMERICANHONEY sorry for the typos I'm using the microphone it should have said it emotional this is violence.

@FutureDoctorDoc huh ya , to the point where I want to not exist but suicide is not a option, have no family no friends

@Eve317

What's going on? Would you like to talk more about it?

We're all here to help.

Hello @futureDoctordoc,Think you raise a very valid point here.Emotional abuse is more subtle and often less noticed, but certainly fits into this category.How about we start a thread?

@rozie

Let's start a thread then. Do we want it under the category of domestic abuse, or should this somehow find it's own little niche?

This is what I believe to be an important topic that does not get enough "air time". Check this out.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201308/the-invisible-power-childhood-emotional-neglect

@Curtis

That's a very poignant article for me. It definitely struck a cord with me and some of my experiences.

Ok, I'm going to try to start this up, if we move this thread I'll just post this again there as well.

My parents were very absent when I was a child, attention was to the other child who was their star and I was only attended to either when hurt, when they needed something from me, or when I was in trouble. As a result, I came to see that the only way to garner affection was to do things for you.

This has led me into my current relationship which, from things I've read, does appear to be emotionally abusive. However, I seem to be powerless to escape it. I'm constantly taken for granted, neglected and if I've done anything even the slightest bit wrong then all affection is immediately removed. Combined with my learned behaviour from when I was a child, I basically do anything and everything that is asked of me regardless of my own needs, wants or desires. I have sat and watched over the years as things that used to be fun for me, have become tedious tasks with no pleasure or enjoyment. I have watched my life slowly be reduced to a complete hollowness. I have been repeatedly cheated on, and often feel incredibly unimportant.

I know these things logically, yet I am unable to just leave, or seemingly to really work towards changing my situation. It is my inability to do the actions that would change my lot in life though that has left me with perhaps the most self-loathing and self-disgust. I know what is happening, I know it will happen again, but I never seem to do anything to avoid it.

@FutureDoctorDoc Im sorry this is happening to you maybe you should talk to a listener and see what they say

Thank you for beginning this thread and sharing your experience @FutureDoctorDoc. It is in telling our stories that often others get to recognize what is happening in their lives. Emotional abuse strikes the very soul, it is subtle and not readily identified. We may start to realize that we are being undermined and losing our sense of self.My heart goes out to you when you talk about your inability to do the actions that would change your lot. That's what emotional abuse does...it paralyzes us.. like being caught in a web from which there doesn't seem to be any escape. But your awareness and understanding can be the key to beginning to find your self again and the strength that you have... slowly step by step. I read the post you wrote in another forum and appreciate your care and encouragement for someone else. Now its time to use that caring and encouragement for your self. You're worthy of it. And here in support of you.

@rozie Is this characterized as similar to codependancy?

Hello @TransAm85 and sorry its been a while. Yes I think it could also be described as a kind of co dependency as one learns to tiptoe around the abuser, and to "please" them,(which is not likely to happen) Then it becomes so normal that one doesn't realize that you are losing your self in this.Others may notice the changes but it is usually so subtle and manipulative that the person in the relationship often doesn't... until they get a "wake up call."

@rozie Well I ask this b/c yes, I am always trying to please my husband and over the past 5 years, I have completely lost my identity. I am just starting to come to terms w/this b/c I am 30 years old, yet I allow myself to be treated like a slave basically. I love my husband, he doesn't hit me or yell at me, but he intimidates me to the point where I feel obligated to do as he says all the time. He is old fashioned so he looks to women as being housewives and mothers. I wasn't raised that way b/c my father left when I was about 4 or 5. I was raised to work and support myself and be independent, so that is one big difference we have. I would like to have a child someday, but I am so frustrated with myself b/c I allow my husband to treat me this way. My self esteem has gone down to 0 and I don't even like to get dressed up anymore cept Sundays when we go to church. I work w/him at his auto shop, so I really cannot dress up anyway, but weekends, I have no ambition to go anywhere. I feel ugly and ashamed and I am just sick of it. I think intimidation is part of emotional abuse?

@TransAm85 I know exactly how you feel. I am a taxi, cleaner, errand runner, personal assistant, tech support and everything for my wife. I never really feel appreciated or desired, nor do I ever really have the desire to do anything. It's a very sapping experience.

I've had a very strong wake up call, and I'm trying to pull myself out of my state. I know how hard it is though. By becoming aware of the situation though, it seems to be the first step to either getting out, or making things better. I'm still not at the getting out part, but I'm trying the making things better. It really starts with you though, and how you feel about yourself. You deserve more, no one deserves this kind of treatment. If you want to talk, or share experience we're all here, so always remember that you are never alone.

@FutureDoctorDoc Thanks .. My marraige is not to a breaking point b/c I keep everything all bottled up. I say "yes" all the time when I really want to say "no". I let him push me around. I am not afraid of him, more insecure of what he will say and think. I never even dreamed to be a mechanic! I used to be so obsessive compulsive about dirty stuff and now I get dirty everyday and go home smelling like tranny fluid and brake cleaner! That is b/c my husband intimidated me into learning how to fix cars and work w/him at his auto shop instead of finding my own job. He is insecure about me being on my own I know that, but I never speak up. He doesn't even like me to be alone w/my mother! But I am just prone to follow his rules since I have been w/him so long. I want to stop this! I want to be my old self! Independant and confident and happy! how do you deal w/that?

@TransAm85 Everything you're saying speaks to me in a lot of ways. I'm in the same boat as you are I guess. So many times my mind will scream "no" but my mouth says "yes" and I have another chore or errand added to my list. I just never want to disappoint her, or to have her be angry at me if I haven't done something she wants me to do. It's as though if I don't do everything, then I won't be worthy of her affection and time.

I honestly don't know right know what to say though in terms of exactly what you can do to regain your old self. I think that by taking a bit of time to do something just for you though, every day is a good start. It's what I'm trying (and not always succeeding) to do. I feel as though it is helping for me, most of the time she doesn't know that I'm doing my little thing, it can be something very small. For me it is writing, I do it while I'm appearing to be working, so I'm sitting at the computer regardless. It's something that I used to do a lot of when I was younger and something that I had mostly stopped doing because of her. For me, it's not about doing something against her though, it's very much doing something that is FOR me.

Have you talked to him about how these things make you feel? I hope things start to get better for you.

@FutureDoctorDoc That is the part that is so wrong .. the mind games. You say you are not worthy of her affection or love unless you do things for her or how she says to do them, right? I feel the same, but my husband is a perfectionist, so I feel SO much on tip toes sometimes b/c he is easy to criticize if things are not perfect according to him. It could be a meal and he will say "It's good, but I can make it better" or the transmission case - I use oven cleaner to get all the old dirt off - he will say "I could make it look like new, but I don't have time" .. things are just never good enough. So I have really started looking into why people act like this .. Perfectionist's can evolve from abandonment from parents and my husband's parents passed away when he was only 25, but he left home when he was 17 so .. maybe he didn't have a good relationship w/his parents. Was/Is your wife close w/her parents? Myself, I never had my father around, so I tend to be a cold person who is hard at showing feelings w/words, so instead I wish to show my feelings by helping a person any way I can. Unfortunately that has gotten me into trouble though. Kind hearted people can also be naive. It is hard, but being co dependant or a people pleaser is not good either. So, like you had said, bring back my old self and hobbies? Well I'm 30 now. I'm getting up the ladder to middle age! I think I want to have a child. But this new generation is all technology! What about jump ropes and hopscotch and tag? Playing outside until the street lights come on? lol

@TransAm85 I know exactly what you mean with the tiptoeing and the comments. Things like "your coffee is shit today, I don't know why but you haven't been able to make coffee all week." The perfectionist attitude really gets to me, especially when it is things that she would never do herself. I mean, I will critique someone about something, but I always try to set it in a way that is helpful. I will phrase things "here is how you could do something better" and provide useful feedback or hints on improvements. Or, I do the thing with them the next time to help. What gets to me is when people critique things that they are just too lazy to do, or don't want to do themselves. She'll critique my driving, the route, the way I'm handling the car, everything, but she hasn't driven in over five years, despite me asking her to multiple times. What also gets to me is when it is just assumed that I will do something. I don't know if your husband does this, but she'll sometimes just assume that I will do somehting. She will take something from the fridge for instance, eat some and then leave it on the counter and then get mad at me because she had assumed that I would eat some and put it back when I was done. She is literally getting mad at me because of something she failed to do.

She is actually close with her parents, they're both still alive. I mean if anyone in the relationship should be reacting from loss of parents, it's likely me. Mine were incredibly distant when I was younger and then our relationship completely fell apart when I was 17. I think that on my end though, I became a very isolated person, I could actually go days without talking. My parents were only ever attentive to me when they wanted something from me, or when I had just done something for them.

I'm actually 30 as well, I'm guessing that we actually share a birth year. 30 is nowhere near middle age, don't worry. I would be careful though about having a child. Some of my friends recently had kids but they kind of had their kid for the wrong reasons. Children should never be a band-aid solution for something else. I know what you mean with technology though, all the kids I see have ipads and iphones, and I remember just like catching frogs and running barefoot as a kid. Times certainly have changed. See, now that can show age "back in my day...."

@FutureDoctorDoc Yes I was born in '85. Now these days, they are trying to bring back the 90's fashion and music .. Back in the 90's, they were trying to bring back the 70's! lol Well I guess we have a lot in common, but addressing the situation hasn't been an option? I choose to avoid it b/c yes, I can be a coward. You sound as though you'd do anything for your wife and she just doesn't appreciate it. So how do you suggest to address the situation and not be a coward?

@TransAm85 I've brought elements of her behaviour up in the past, but they are minimized, or somehow explained and excused. She will have been tired, and was grumpy because of that, or she had a bad day, and that was why she told me to 'fucking stop talking' to her.

From the different things that I have read, there is little that can be done to change the behaviour of an emotionally abusive person. You can change yourself however, refind your passions and your interests and your self-esteem. You are worth far more than he treats you. I am worth more than she treats me. These are things I logically know, but emotionally cannot cope with.

Listeners here have told me that my best option may be to get out, but I just never seem to be able to do it. I know the feeling of cowardice, but I don't really know how to change it either, it's fucking terrifying to try and face these things. It sounds like it is this way in your case as well, but are you sort of financially dependent upon him? I know that I'm in a situation where I could be independent, but I just went through a bad patch of basically having no pay for six months and was entirely dependent upon her. It really doesn't help with things, at one point I was wondering if leaving was a good option but realized that I would be homeless with less than $20 to my name and had no idea how to face that.

Not confronting him doesn't have to be cowardice, I know how sometimes it seems more like a question of survival. It's just easier, safer to not say anything, to let the comment go, to ignore what they just said or did. It builds up though. Stay strong though, we'll both get through this yet.

@FutureDoctorDoc That is the part that kills me .. being dependant on him. I screwed up college, so all my past jobs were labor work. Now I work on cars. I am not a licensed auto tech tho. My husband has taught me everything. And since it is his shop, he controls the money and he pays me every Friday. That also intimidates me, like he is the boss and I am his employee, not his wife. But if we separated, I have learned a lot from him, yet I have no license, so it would be hard for me to find a job, so yes .. my independence is basically controlled by him. Ugh .. It's easy to talk to you about it, but I don't address the situation w/him. And hobbies .. I used to have a lot, but since I have been w/him, all my hobbies got flushed down the toilet and I have adapted to his style of things. We are very different, but somehow we fell in love. lol How do you bring back your old hobbies w/o feeling self conscious about your spouse's opinion? He's Mexican so he likes soccer - he says it's the real football, but I like the American football - Green Bay Packers! He likes to listen to his Spanish music/talk shows on the radio and when I change it, he criticizes my preference of music .. I like rap/hip hop, but also Tom Petty and Fleetwood Mac! He likes action movies, especially Fast and Furious b/c it's cars .. I like comedy and horror, so he says I'm a crazy gringa and that's why I like scary movies b/c all the serial killers are gringos and I'm from Wisconsin and so is Jeffrey Dahmer and Ed Gein! lol Idk .. We are opposites, so I am nervous at times to even express my true self!

@TransAm85 Hey,

I know what you mean about being able, in a way, to talk to anyone but your spouse about how they make you feel. I'm certainly glad that I can be someone you can talk to. I know how it is though, it's almost like any time that you bring any of it up, they react as though you are attacking them. It's so scary how someone can get you so dependent upon them. Have you discussed with him about whether you could get your certification? You could maybe explain that it would be good, and a nice way of assuring customers if you were to be certified too, then you could tell people that there are multiple certified mechanics who can work on their car, and it can be a selling point for the garage. Maybe even that he could charge a bit more if you were certified? An additional advantage is that you would already know almost everything you need for the classes, and if you have to do an apprenticeship, you would do it in his garage anyways. There are a lot of tax deductions (at least where I'm from) for places that take on apprentices and a lot of grants to pay for the courses. You could look into it, and maybe even find a way that getting your certification would bring in some extra money. I'm sure that you could gind a way to make it sound like a big positive and additionally, you would have your certification and proof of your competence if you ever had to leave.

I honestly don't really know about how exactly to bring up your old hobbies. My wife and I are also rather opposites, I'm a very outdoors person and she is very city-girl. I know how it is, to have so many things that acutally interest you and to be so unable to share them with the person you are with. What I'm trying to do though, is that there are the occasional activities I do, that are like an entire day, but I do them very rarely. I ski, and normally we ski together, but I want to go sometime and do it on my own. I intend to use the excuse that having completed a bunch of work, it would be a nice reward for me to be able to go and ski. Because it's not something that happens often, and because she would be busy anyways, I think that I should be able to go and do it and it would be a nice break and pause for me. I sometimes feel that bringing these things back in slowly would work best, because then it's almost less noticable. Change is slow, but possible. Have you tried doing things while he is doing his hobby? For example, if you're watching soccer, maybe you could check and on score of a Packers game, and when he asks you could say that watching soccer with him reminded you of how much you like American Football as well and were just curious about how they were doing. Try to bring in your interests as positives. I know how hard it is though, it's like with my spouse, I really like a lot of things that she doesn't and I can never just be like "no, this movie is boring me to death and I feel as though I am wasting my life watching it." But I'm sure that things will get better, and I'm sure they will get better for you too. I have confidence, and patience.

@TransAm85

Hey,

Just wondering how everything was going and how you were doing. It has been awhile since you posted here, so I wanted to make sure you were alright.

@FutureDoctorDoc I am alright, just trying to fix things so to say. After our convo, I kind of figured out what would really make me happy and erase all this crap w/him .. I'm going to be 31 this year and I am getting old, I would like to have a child. He will never change unless he wants to, but he is the type that plans days and months ahead and he asks me often, what is my goal in the next year or so? I have a hard time answering b/c I revolve my life around him .. Sure, maybe going back to school would be nice, but I'm 30 now. I already screwed up. I was in school for pharmacy, but then screwed that up and tried cosmetology but screwed that up also. Now I have been fixing cars for almost 4 years. I would like to have a child and teach them how to do better than I did. My husband is an asshole, but he would be a good father. Do you think that is stupid? I am just at that age .. in 5 more years, I probably won't be able to have kids. They say after 35, it's harder for women to concieve. I just want to teach someone to do better than me. I made many mistakes in my life and if I could help at least one person .. But anyway, how are you?

Hey @TransAm85,

I'm surviving. Trying to get too many things done in too little time. I think it's good that you are taking the moves to help yourself feel better. I know how it can feel to be getting older, we're both in the same boat with that one! Just because you have failed at something in the past doesn't mean that you can't go back and do better, or go on to do better things in the future. I often think that we allow our past failures too much control in our present decisions. I think it's really good that you want to be able to teach your child how to avoid the trips and stumbles that you may have made. I think that continually improving yourself as you go will really help as well though. Don't let your past hold you back. I think it's also commendable that you are staying in your relationship, but I wouldn't stop trying to create your own little bubble of space where you can nurture yourself and grow. I understand what you say about your husband, sometimes people are very different in how they treat their souses and how they treat their children, neighbours, or family members. I'm not a parent, nor do I intend to be one soon, but I'm going to say something that may bring some backlash. I just want you to be sure that this is what you really want, and that you are doing this for the right reasons. I've seen friends who have had children for the wrong reasons. The way it has affected them, and their child is heartbreaking to watch. I'm sure that you would be a wonderful mother, and I have no doubt about that, I just want to make sure that you will be happy, healthy and supported with him as you move forward.

@FutureDoctorDoc I completely understand some things you mentioned. My mother had my first half brother when she was 18 just to get out of my grandma's, she claimed her step dad was sexually abusing her. She was still young and her husband allowed her to go out and party, race cars (that's one reason I've always had interest in cars - she had a 1970 Dodge Coronet!), and didn't pay much attention to my older half brother. Eventually that marraige fell apart and she met my dad who was a partier, drinker, and loved Harley Davidson. My younger brother and I were born basically b/c neither were thinking. My little brother was born w/several disabilities and it's probably b/c my father was doing cocaine and weed. He left when I was about 5 years old. Maybe he was ashamed or didn't want responsibility. Everything was put on me since I was young b/c my mother had to work all the time and my older brother had his own issues from the divorce .. I've seen a lot of things that still bother me today, but I would never want my child in that same position. I had close friends in middle/high school, but I eventually started rebelling b/c I got sick of being depended on so much. Also, I started losing weight (I used to be a chubby girl) and got more attention from guys, but being since I had no father figure and my mother always portrayed men as junk, I didn't know the difference! I worked on and off and tried school, but things just weren't going right for me, so I ended up escorting for a few years. That deteriorated my self esteem and confidence to zero. I only felt confidant if I was perfectly pretty enough and obeyed the men and felt my thoughts/conversations meant nothing. And that's how I met my husband. He was one of my clients .. he was different and I fell in love w/him, but after our first year of marraige he would throw things in my face about being a prostitute. A lot has changed, but I still have it stuck in my head that men just need a woman to cook, clean, and give it to them daily .. no need for thoughts or conversation. I have a lot to say, but a lot I keep to myself. I think he knows and that's why he calls me stupid sometimes, just to hear my opinion. I'm nervous to say things b/c I think he will laugh at me. He is controlling and maybe part comes from knowing how we met. Yes, I had a pimp at that time and he knows that too. I am done w/all that though. That's why I said I want to have a child .. teach somebody not to make such stupid mistakes like I did. My mother wasn't around for me. All she did was yell and bitch. The only person that taught me compassion and empathy was my little brother. Dare I hear someone criticizing a person w/ADHD or Autism or Bipolar ... they don't know the half of it, so don't even judge. My past does haunt me and it is hard to move forward. How do you erase your mistakes?

@TransAm85

Hey,

Sorry I haven't written in awhile, I've had a rather tumultuous time. I think that there is a very powerful thing that you ask at the end of your message. "How do you erase your mistakes?" TransAm, there's no way to erase mistakes, but here's the thing, they aren't mistakes if you LEARN from them. I've had my share of mistakes, and I am the very last person in the world who would ever forgive myself. I've failed out of college, I had a string of bad jobs, I got fired a few times, I got hit around, I raised myself since I was fairly young because my parents were absent. I thought that the only way to have any form of affection was to do things for other people, and that the only way to be important was to serve. I allowed other people to control me through my guilt, to turn everything into being my fault so that they could take as much as they could from me. These people knew that I never forgive myself even the slightest thing, and they turned that against me. You are a young and beautiful woman, don't you ever let anyone take that away from you. What you did in the past, through choice or necessity does NOT define you. What defines you is how you move forward. How you take all those things you did and you learn from them, and grow as a person because of them, that can define you. The past can never define a person. Here's what I think, I think that we create an image of people like marble statues, we chip away at a block and we think that this large solid thing is the person. But people aren't stone, we aren't solid. People are liquid, we flow we change, we are rivers and torrents, we can burst our banks, we can change our entire route. We can be rapids, whitewater and dangerous, or we can be peaceful streams. But, we are never solid, so don't let yourself think that you are somehow solid and defined by what you have done. I can't undo the things I have done, neither can you, and to attempt to do so will drive you crazy (trust me, I know). Learn from everything, and let yourself GROW not in spite of your mistakes, but rather grow BECAUSE of your mistakes. Listen to Teddy Roosevelt "Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat." Turn your life into a story, make it an adventure, there are no mistakes, only lessons to be learned.

I hope you're well,

Doc

@FutureDoctorDoc I like to compare humans to cars .. I'm getting older, so my front brake pads and rotors are getting rusty, my differential is ready to go, my drive shaft hurts everyday, and I think it's the clutches or maybe the sun gear in my tranny that's giving me a constant headache .. I stopped partying/drinking about 5 years ago, so my engine is pretty good, cept the fried food I eat. I wish I could go back to being that 1985 Pontiac Trans Am .. but, I am more like a big old fashioned Lincoln Town Car now. lol! But either way, whether humans are like cars or rivers or concrete statues .. something's gotta give eventually, but some people don't know how to move on. You and I have a lot of similarities. What about a perfectionist? My husband is one

@TransAm85

Hey, yeah, I get the analogy to cars, but if I had to give mine, then I like to think of myself more like, well I'm not exactly sure what car I am. Probably something small, but with a good amount of get up and go. However, I recently had a rusted section that was the really bad kind of surface rust wher eyou need someone to come in and cut out a chunk of the panelling before you lose the whole car. Also, I recently had a bit too much acid in my gas tank that burned a hole into the lining. My engine and transmission are good, although I do really have the tendency to ignore the check engine light, because I feel like if I just power through, that everything will be fine. My acceleration is a bit down on what it used to be, but my engine still idles in a nice low way. I feel as though what I need is to drop the engine, and do a full rebuild.

I used to love cars, and love driving. But it turned into such a chore. Whether I wanted to or was even able to drive sometimes, I had to do it. That fluid movement though, sometimes on the back country roads, it was so peaceful and zen, such a calming experience. I used to have a 91 VW Passat, and say what you want, the germans know how to make a car that wants to go fast. That car wanted to go fast. I would get onto the back roads near where I lived, at 2 in the morning coming home and you could feel it asking for a bit more gas, a bit more speed. I would just watch the road and listen to the car, time would slow, the car would get a bit jittery on the road, skipping from side to side and then there was this beuatiful moment where the aero would kick in and it would suddenly sink down, the tires would grow claws and grip the road. There was nothing but me and the headlights. I would just let it climb, let it run, let it breathe and do exactly what it wanted and that car would answer. Within moments I'd be liquid metal just flowing down the road, every bump, every dip tingling through the wheels, up the suspension through the seat and up my back, through the wheel and across my fingers through the pedals and up my legs. The road talked, the car talked and I would be silent, I would be calm, I was at peace. It's strange but that speed, that ludicrous speed was so calming for me. I like to ski too, and that speed calls to me. Pushing it right to the very edge, I'm calmest it seems, when I'm a razor's edge from oblivion. When you push something to the point where every single millimetre makes a difference, where you can't think about anything but the exact moment at hand. It is the perfect living in the present. If I'm distracted for an instant then I'm going down, and I will be broken, so I focus and nothing else exists. Whether it be the car and the road, or the skis and the snow, nothing else exists in that moment and it is bliss, it is zen.

As to your question, she was a perfectionist, but also an inconsistent perfectionist. She would tell me to do something a certain way, and then when she came back, it would have been the wrong way. The worst was that she would get mad at me for having done something, and then minutes after getting mad at me, she would want me to do the same thing again.

I actually left a few days ago. There was an argument, and I got hit. After the last time that I got hit, I told myself, next time she hits, you have to leave. I'd said things like that a thousand times before and then when the next time came around I would just tell myself, alright, next time. Only this time I hit my limit. I got hit and there was no next time. There was this time. This time I walked away.

Just wanting to affirm you @FutureDoctorDoc for sticking to your limit and walking away. Please take good care of your self and know that we are here in support.

@rozie

Thanks! It has not been an easy week so far. But, I have managed to be more productive at work in the last couple days than I was in the couple weeks leading up to it. When I start thinking of things, I try to keep my focus on why I left, but it has not been easy. I told someone I was talking to, that it's almost as though when it is less painful to leave than to stay, you know you're making the right decision.

@FutureDoctorDoc When I went to Mexico, I actually saw a really old VW Rabbit, but I don't know what year it is. I should support Volkswagen, I am partially German, but for some reason I like SUV's and trucks. My very first car was a little '89 Ford Festiva, maybe that's why I don't like little cars anymore! I watch this program sometimes where people do street racing and have their cars all fixed up inside for safety, yet they use that Nitro to boost the speed, and some are so stupid b/c they either have only rear wheel or front wheel drive and the cars are flipping all over the place! We all have our limits. I'm glad you got the courage to get out of your situation. You will be much happier now. Soon I will be running out of all the tranny fluid I got and just give up. I won't go forward nor reverse, I'll just be stuck in the same spot until it blows entirely and a rebuild isn't even an option. Don't be a sucker though and let her sweet talk you to come back. There are SO many more women out there that would love to have a nice guy like you. A guy w/a heart and feelings. :)

@TransAm85

Hey, just because you're low on fluid doesn't mean you're stuck. There's always room for change, and there's always a way to change. I had thought for a really long time that I would never change my situation. I figured that I would just accept it, live with it and die with it. But in those moments before I left, accepting was no longer an option. I knew that I could stay, but that I wouldn't be surviving if I stayed, I wouldn't truly be living if I stayed. Don't wait for it to explode, do what YOU need to do for YOU. I know how incredibly terrifying it is, the sheer and absolute panic that can build up in your chest cutting off your air. You are strong, and you are smart and you know deep down what's best for you. Relax, listen to your gut and do it.

@FutureDoctorDoc i am in the same situation as you and I totally understand you. I feel mental and verbal abuse in my relationship sometimes

@Cham13 Hey, I'm really sorry to hear that. Do you want to talk about it? Maybe we can help eachother work through things.

@FutureDoctorDoc