Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in Sunday, 25 February 2018
Hello everyone,
What a busy and exciting week we have had with all of the special events! I hope that everyone was able to participate as it evoked so many emotions within me. People were very open about their experiences that alone was enough to motivate me to become more involved. 
If you feel like talking about it, there is one item that I see quite often in many discussions. There is understandably a great deal of emotion surrounding those who have harmed, bullied, failed to validate or assist us in our time of need. My experience was very similar in that I spent a great deal of time looking outward at the person or people who did not treat me well. It was an attempt to either change their behavior, understand their behavior or try to change myself with the hope of no longer feeling vulnerable. In reality I had absolutely no control or responsibility for the other person's poor choices and/or behavior. It wasn't until I began to look within focus on myself, my feelings and responses to their behavior that I began the healing process. It was a wonderful gift that I was able to give myself after a long time of resisting that act of self-compassion. By removing the focus from them, I was healing myself and becoming stronger. In essence, taking the power away from them.
How do all of you focus on your healing by emphasizing your well-being as opposed to the desire to change or understand another's poor choices or harmful behavior? Have you found a sense of peace with the knowledge that you are empowering yourself by practicing this act of self-compassion?
If this topic is not one that you wish to discuss today, I would love to hear about what is happening in your healing process or how you are feeling. Do you have any plans for a favorite activity? 
Be well everyone and thank you again for supporting me while I was taking care of my parents and not quite feeling myself. This community is very important to me and even when I am not as active, I am still thinking about you and your progress.
I do hope you find some bright moments in your day. Much love ~
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@Compassionatelistener108
Hi comp... I tried self soothing today,, been in avoidance mode all day.. Trying to avoid my thoughts and feelings because I still feel like they are bad.. I can't come to process this news that i've been given.. I should feel a sense of slight safety but it feels wrong to feel that,, feels wrong to feel relief.. I'm kind of lost and have talked to some people about it, but i can't process.. I have had too much at once and i feel like it is the straw that broke the camels back..
I did enjoy joining in on the karoake event however and it gave me a sense of grounding for 10 minutes..
Hope you are well x
@calmLake1999 Hugs Calm. Back up off of stuff for a few iffin ye can. Keep things simple, chill watch cartoons, eat some jelley sanwitches.
I hope ye find some peace hon.
@Raveninthelabrynth
I keep trying to back away from it all but it keeps bombarding me.. Its overwhelming because I can't trust that what I feel to be right.. I was doing avoidance today and it worked for a little while. I hope it fades soon and I can just accept what I'm feeling but I'm not even sure
@calmLake1999 M here iffin ye need or wish hon
@calmLake1999
Hi Calm,
I am well. I am sorry that you received what is obviously some very challenging news. It is okay to feel safe (or safer) without feeling guilty, Calm. It is a valid feeling about news you received. You may have many others as well. Raven is correct though if you are feeling extremely overwhelmed, please try to step back for a bit. Remember that many of us have high expectations of ourselves. This would be a good time to practice self compassion. Simply acknowledging the feelings is a big step. A little bit at the time. See if that helps in addition to a nice walk or something else you enjoy. The feelings will come and go gently like the clouds on a breezy spring day. Dont sit with them or try to analyze them quite yet unless you have support available.
Remember, you didnt create this situation. We are here if you need us.
Safe hugs 💛🌻
@Compassionatelistener108
Thank you comp..I am struggling to not join the connections about my breaking the silence and his death.. Might be why else I am so overwhelmed.. Too much too soon. I feel guilty because their are people grieving but then I feel relief to because I am safe and there are other feelings to that aren't ready to come out yet. I think I'm still in shock
Thank you so much fir the support 
@calmLake1999
Calm,
It does sound overwhelming and confusing right now especially given the mixed perceptions of this person. I fully understand why you feel safe. Please try to allow yourself some time to process this as it is a critical event for anyone.
It may take time for you to fully believe that I support you in the relief you must feel as he can never hurt you again. That is a very human emotion and you have nothing to feel guilty about ❤️
In my experience, it is more helpful to focus on your feelings until you have had some time to take this in. There is plenty of time for you to decide whether or not to disclose your experiences. One generally needs to be in a good place, should you decide.
I hear you clearly about how difficult it must be to watch people grieve without knowing your experiences. If and when you decide to disclose, they may or may not be able to support you as their image of this person is all they have known. It is a very unfair and painful reality for you at this time. I am so sorry.
Please take care of yourself above anything else right now. You are not alone with your emotions. I hope you will be able to talk through this with someone as well as feeling the support of this community.
You will certainly be in my thoughts 💛
@Compassionatelistener108
Calm,
My sincere apologies as I was thinking of you and realized I may have misunderstood a critical part your last post.
We are told all kinds of things by people who manipulate and harm us to maintain our silence. I know it is difficult to separate the two events in your mind at this moment. However, if I now understand your feelings more accurately I am honestly so proud of the courage it must have taken for you to disclose.
My experience has been that people of feel conflicted about the death of someone who harmed them. Some had the thought reinforced, were literally in more of a parental role or countless other possibilities.
I am sorry that these events occurred so close together. As you separate the two, I hope you will know that his death was absolutely not your fault. Disclosure is so difficult, takes so much strength and I dont want you to lose that during this time.
My favorite saying as most of you know is to be gentle with yourself and take things slowly. Call upon your support network to just sit with you if that is what would be helpful.
Take me extra special, super mindful care. 💛🌻
@Compassionatelistener108
@Compassionatelistener108
I feel invalidated today in those who I have tried to speak (my offscreen life) with about this say that I shouldn't be feeling guilt or anything other than relief.. I logically know where they are coming from but I can't stop the conflicting feelings I am having and it just confirms the beliefs that my feelings are wrong.
I thank you for the support comp. I feel lost and so overwhelmed. It was reinforced so often that if I spoke bad things would happen I just never imagined it would be his death
And no apologies needed.
@calmLake1999
Oh Calm, I am so sorry that people said that to you. It is absolutely heartbreaking. I mean that with every ounce of my being.
I want to keep reinforcing that you are not responsible for his death (regardless of what happened). He chose to harm you and you were very brave to speak out. You may not even be aware of how many others you were speaking for at the time. I would never ask you to share that but when one person shows that kind of courage it is not unusual for others who have had the same experience to begin speaking as well. It may be in public or perhaps it gave them the courage to speak privately with a therapist.
Keep working on those feelings okay Calm. People who want toxic secrets to remain secrets are doing so for their own reasons. This secret was holding you (and perhaps others) hostage. You have every reason to be free of that terrible burden.
I know it is difficult to reconcile but I have seen this happen and ultimately the person who spoke out realizes taking care of an abuser was not their responsibility. Speaking out can protect others. It is an individual choice and you can do this. Please look for supportive people right now. When you encounter these people who are not supportive ask yourself why they would be protecting him. It is not a question that will be answered but will change the way you hear them.
Much love,
Calm 💛
@Compassionatelistener108
Hi!
Well Im not really focusing on healing but even if i try to I will always think of the bad things that i did so i just beat myself up. Tho there are times that i do take care of me, i just dont do it everyday.
I'm not feeling great, I'm still in my downs but something positive that I did, was that i started journaling again, after so many months.
@sensitiveShade5337
Hi Shade, I am so happy you are journaling again! That is a very big step.
As far as those negative thoughts, it may take time as it did for me to work through them and slowly replace them with a more accurate perspective. Everyone makes mistakes and you are just beginning to really explore who you are and what you want as an adult.
Keep practicing on the positive things as there will be time to jump into the difficult things.
Have a good day and check back if you need anything 🍨💛
Congratulations again on journaling 🎉
@Compassionatelistener108
I will have to jump on the difficult things on Tuesday as I have therapy session and ugh I'm so scared about it..
well journaling isnt something wow but i guess it can confront me when I'm just about to be explosive on people so I look it in that prespective
@sensitiveShade5337
Journaling can be a wonderful way to let those feelings out for many people. It is also something that I used to express some of my anxiety before tough sessions. It is a beautiful outlet that is completely your own. I really hope that your session goes well and you feel free to write in your own style.
Thank you so much for the wonderful check-in today. We will be here if you need to hang out or want support as you prepare for your session.
Shade, I am very proud of you for the courage it took to work towards confronting those tough experiences with your therapist.
Tell those pesky inner critics that they are not paying attention to you successes. They are often persistent little guys so keep reinforcing the positive steps you have taken as much as possible.
Be well, Shade 💛🎶
@Compassionatelistener108
Those little guys are bad and teasing me :( meh I'm better than them
Thank you for your kind words and for still finding the time to answer to me when I check in.
I hope it goes well too, will probably let you know on Wednesday how it went either on open chat or on check in, will think about it.
@sensitiveShade5337
I would love to know how things went when/if you are ready to share. I like knowing how you are doing and will always do my best to reply. If it takes a little time on occasion, it may be because my parents need me to take care of them for a little bit. I am letting you know so you feel like you can trust that I havent disappeared.
I am so proud of you, Shade. You tell those pesky little guys that your supportive friends said to give it a rest 🤨
Safe hugs, Shade 💛
@Compassionatelistener108
Ah well I don't mind if you are replying late or not, I understand that everyone has a life outside here and probably is busy.
Safe huggles to you too
@sensitiveShade5337
💛
@Compassionatelistener108
Im obsessed with the green one so here take a green one 💚
@sensitiveShade5337
*hugs if you want them* shade. I'm glad u started journalling again, i find writing to be therapeutic.. I'm sorry your not feeling great..
@calmLake1999
huggles
@sensitiveShade5337 Hugs Shade
I believe art lets me process and heal. I love to paint and color.
@Rebekahwriter13 I must admitt I am horrid at even stick figures.
0.0% drawing or painting tallent here lol. But I play music and it is awesome to have ways to express our souls
@Raveninthelabrynth
what about colouring in? You can always colour my page in the newsletter :D
I'm having a play day today... I got me markers out and scissors so I expect there to be a pile of paper sprinkles decorating my floor tonight hehehe.
@LifeIsMyCanvas Hoot an Phoohey Canvas lol
nope, m just bad at it. Know yer limmits! lol
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Canvas, that sounds like so much fun! I love the creative work you have shared in the past. It is absolutely wonderful.
I hope you have a great time this evening. I may have to bring out some art supplies soon. I am not truly talented like many of you, but I love the process and it is just fun!
@Raveninthelabrynth Oh I have to agree with you on that one, art is not my thing at all but music I love it!
@Rebekahwriter13
Rebekah, you are so gifted. Art, writing and other forms of creative expression are extremely helpful in the healing process.
I am so happy you are finding so many ways to help yourself heal. It is wonderful to know that we have options when we need to call upon them.
Thank you for sharing today 💛
This isn't exactly related to my trauma, but it is something that happened a year ago today. On February 25, 2017, my family got the call informing us that my grandmother had a brain stroke. I remember my parents rushing down to the hospital, my dad said 'strokes happen all the time. It'll all be okay.' On the 28th, a day off life support, she was gone. the last two years have not been the best. on my birthday in 2016, my grandparents house burned down. months later, my aunt died of MS, then my grandmother of a stroke, then my grandpa had open heart surgery, then i was sexually assaulted. life hasn't been that great, but I hope it gets better.
stay strong. stay safe, stay alive, i love you xxxxx
@ashes04 Sorry to hear of such woe Ashes. Aniversaries of doom happen to many of us. We can in time claim these days back giving it new meaning. And yes, with time and work and good support we can get over anything.
@ashes04
Hi Ashes,
My heart goes out to you as you have been through so much in such a short period of time. Your positive outlook is incredibly inspiring. Please let us know how we can help support you during all of these anniversary dates.
I hope you have a good support network where you live. Please dont hesitate to ask for help when you need it. It is difficult for many of us to ask.
You will be in my thoughts. I hope you will stay in touch with us as well. We are here for you.
Much love 💛
@Compassionatelistener108 Hi CL, just a quick check in from me today (still doing my best to get by). A random quote from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams:
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
Best wishes to & solidarity with everyone ⛺❤️
@melliotm Did ye notice on the dashboard of that car they just launched into space, there was a plack that said "Don't Panic"
@Raveninthelabrynth I did indeed -- I hope they packed a towel.
@melliotm lol
wonder if whatever is in that space suit is wearing a bath robe lol
@Compassionatelistener108
Hi, I
@CartoonDarling
That sounds like a very productive day. Good for you 🎉 Did you find some time to do anything special for yourself? I admire your work ethic as I hold those same values. I was close to burning out years ago though so dont forget your me time. I still struggle with it on occasion as I love my work so just giving you experiential heads up. The weather here was rainy and a little cool so I didnt make my hiking plans. Still great to be with friends listening to live music last night which was long overdue.
It is really good to see your post 💛
Anyone else watch the LadBaby videos? I love Roxanne lol, her laugh cracks me up!
@BeeLeigh Being trans and a bit dyslexic I had to read that a few times Bee lol
Well my friends, it's been a long day, and a rough one for some of us.
May you alle rest easy, find peace, and have productive days.
*Raven gets up an fly's away
@Compassionatelistener108. Hello, it is late but I wanted to vent.
I had done some process in recovery but lately I'm feeling really bad about all the stigma to abuse victims in 7cups. This stigma concerns me in all places but this was supposed to be a safe space but I can't see it like that anymore. I've seen triggering posts over and over and stigma to abuse victims as saying that feeling emotional about a topic makes our opinions and concerns less valid, as saying that having a concern about things happening here is wanting they to change all due to a "personal trigger". I'm starting to feel hopeless about it, I'm having ideas of hurting myself again and I don't want to go back to that darkness. And trauma community seems a good place but I can't feel safe here knowing that listeners who make this comments and/or support this triggering topics are here. I'm thinking about leaving but this was the only support I had. I guess I will never find a safe space. I don't know what to do anymore, no place feels safe and I'm having nightmares again.
@Imaginativa2930
I am very happy that you shared your feelings about this. I do see your point and at one time shared your view on a college campus.
Would you mind if I really put some additional thought into potentially supportive ideas that may meet everyones needs? I promise I will post again tomorrow as I value your presence here.
Be well until then. Thank you again for sharing and your patience 🙂
@Imaginativa2930
I really did put a lot of time in thinking about what we can do to make you feel safe and most importantly have your thoughts, feelings and opinions validated.
I need you to help me understand as I am right beside you on this.
You most definitely are not broken and should receive the support that allows you to heal. I dont want you to feel as though you are moving towards a dark place. Lets try to be proactive about this together. Okay? I cant promise change, but we talk about what is really important and that is your healing process.
Again, I am grateful that you brought this up when you did. Catching things early is important when you begin to realize how you are feeling.
I wish you the very best 💛
@Compassionatelistener108 Hello, when I saw your first reply I got really curious about what you would say later.
I really appreciate your kind words and your support. I understand you can't promise to make changes.
I feel there's a need to have better balance. I have get censored for having concerns but when I report something as listener being inappropriate all I get it's a "look for other listener" it feels unfair. I understand that listeners are all volunteers and it's hard to see all follow the guidelines but reporting seems useless, when I report listeners being inappropriate or post that are highly triggering and breaking rules I get the "we hear you but if you don't like it don't look at it" but if I make my concerns public after not seeing anything changing I get rude comments and I get censored.
I want toparticipate more in this community but I get super shy and anxious and don't know where to start. It is so hard to find someone to talk about trauma and don't get excuses for abusers or the "your situation wasn't so bad"
I really appreciate your reply, I hope you have a good day and a good week.
@Imaginativa2930
Thank you so much for letting me know what is happening. I understand why you have been hesitant given your feelings and experiences. It is certainly something that can and should be addressed as comments that dismiss or do not validate your experiences are unacceptable. I believe you and I believe that you will find supportive individuals in the trauma community. We also have several listeners who are a part of our leadership so it may be a good option for you. If you would like to begin slowly, there are several groups that meet throughout the week.
Getting to know everyone through the daily check-ins is a wonderful idea too.
Be well and I hope to see you in the postings 💛
@Compassionatelistener108 Thank you for reading and being empathic. I'm trying to see more good things in here and forget about the triggering ones and I'm feeling a bit more up. It is like a roller coaster of feelings (roller coasters make me anxious in the phisical sense too so it makes sense(?) but I'm trying to enjoy the ride. Can I talk to any listener of this community? It seems some are pretty busy and I don't want to bother.
I'm liking a lot check-ins so far^^
I hope you have a good day and week.
One of my issues is having been bullied growing up. I went to an open-mike event to do some stand up comedy. I was sure they were going to laugh at me. They didn't.
Another is being told no one likes me. I went to watch a meditation video this morning and it had been taken down. I automatically thought that it was because I had hearted it. I made my own meditation video.
I have to fight off a process that goes on inside me that says I am a bad person and I deserve to die and that things are gonna keep happening until I am so miserable that I finally "get the message that i am no good". This process stops at nothing to try and destroy me.
It was quite a fight today.
I am still here.
Carol
