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Un-blending is a technique that was developed by Richard Swartz as part of Internal Family System therapy. It was designed to help a person to separate themselves from inner critics or criticised parts.
Inner critics (sometimes known as persecutor parts in DID terminology) often ‘attack’ us with thoughts/feelings. They seem to reenact abusers, so naturally, they feel terrifying and can overwhelm us. Often once you get to know these parts you may become aware that they are actually trying to protect you by ensuring you behave in the manner that will make you the least likely to be hurt by the abuser(s).
Another type of part that IFS focuses on is the criticised child, they can overwhelm us leaving us depressed, sad, hopeless or worthless. These parts are sometimes known as Exiles and hold our shame responses. They often have unrealistic expectations from our abuser(s) or Inner Critics/Internal Persecutor parts. Once you are away from the abuser(s), these behaviours are no longer needed in order to keep yourself safe. However, the opposing reactions of these Emotional Parts can continue to cause conflict long after the trauma has ended. IFS seeks to remedy this.
IFS asks us to think of emotions and sensations as communications from parts. With DID this might be seeing parts inside who are distressed and crying or re-experiencing trauma through body memories and flashbacks. Anything you don’t identify as belonging to ‘you’, or feeling s of confusion about who ‘you’ are, could be a communication from a part.
It is tempting to push these big feelings away, they are often intense and held by parts that hold trauma memories. But in pushing them away they are likely to escalate, as parts will feel invalidated and likely to 'shout louder'. There are a few techniques that our system has tried in order to cope with these times. The approach we use is different based on how well we know the part, if they are usually cooperative (or not), and what age they are.
IFS begins by suggesting that you detach the sensations you are experiencing and step back from the part that is flooding you. This can feel counterintuitive for those of us who have DID as it can appear as if it is encouraging dissociation. To combat this, we have reframed it as having ‘Internal Boundaries’. Each part has their own circle or bubble in which they contain how they are feeling. They can ask for help and share their feelings, but they must ask permission from another part to do so. This avoids further flooding in the future. The key to this technique is trust. If you do not come back to help them, they will revert to flooding again and it will take longer to reestablish trust the next time.
If no one is available or able to help at the time of distress, other methods of containment such as imagining a jar to put feelings in may help until it is safe to share. Encourage your parts to bring these to inner meetings and share what is going on when they are ready. If you have a large system you might wish to buddy up littles/child parts with adult parts or another little to befriend.
Un-blending can be very useful for DID but in my opinion, it needs to be adapted to take into consideration that when a part begins to communicate with you (especially in the beginning) it begins to remove the dissociative amnesia. The amnesia has kept the functioning parts (Apparently Normal Parts) ‘safe’ from the knowledge of the trauma and often they are resistant to hear from EPs. In addition, some internal parts may still be frozen and stuck in ‘trauma time’ not knowing that the abuser(s) are now gone, or that you are an adult capable of keeping yourself safe. If your abuser(s) are still in your life they may be coming forward to prompt you to reach safety. If you are not yet safe, that needs to be your primary focus before you work on unbending.
We will now look at the 6 Fs in the IFS un-blending technique:
1. Find -The very first thing to do is recognise their distress. We all need to be heard, seen and validated. Parts are no different. In fact, they have most likely been holding these feelings for a very long time and it is important to acknowledge and honour that fact. Notice where in the body you feel the sensation.
2. Focus - Draw your attention to the part that is communicating with you. Try not to control what is happening and let them show themselves in whichever way they need too.
3. Flesh out - Notice how they look, sound, what they are saying or how the body is feeling now your attention is focused on them.
4. Feel Towards - Thank the part for communicating with you and for keeping you safe from these feelings thus far.
It may feel inconvenient, awful timing, distressing or you may even feel angry that they are doing this ‘to you’. Try to remember that they are very distressed and treat them as you would any other child/person who is distressed. Self-compassion can be triggering for those of us who have been in self-punishment. The first step to calming is to help them understand it is safe to share with you, what has happened to them. This might feel like telling, but it is not, you are all internal and it is a safe space to share. If you are not able to be kind towards them then do not continue or it is likely to escalate internal conflicts further.
If at this point you are not able to continue, reassure them that you heard them and invite them to communicate with you again when you are feeling better.
5. BeFriend - How well do you know the part? Here are a few questions that might be helpful
- Ask them if they know what year it is
- Communicate what is going on in the outside world, who you live with, what area, your daily/weekly routine etc…
- Ask them what their role is and who gave it to them?
- Ask them if they want to share anything about themselves, but avoid asking direct questions (esp for SRA/MC as it may feel like reporting).
- Ask them if they want to keep doing that role or if they would like a new one.
- If they share their name, ask them if they would like to keep that name or choose a new one.
We call this phase reorientation and we also do this when we check in with parts or want to communicate external changes that might affect them.
6. Fear - Find out what would happen if they stopped doing their role
- Ask them if there is anything in particular that is making them afraid or upsetting them.
- Ask them what they think would happen if they stopped doing their role.
- Discuss other ways that role could be done or if it is still needed, this one may take longer and work better when trust has been established.
The point of these questions are to explain that life is different now and they only have to continue to do their roles if they want to. Try to avoid leaving them without roles or structure as they might default to prior roles. If they don’t want to give up their role then discuss how they might adjust for your current life. Remember it will take time, so focus on building trust and not getting a perfect outcome, it will probably require a lot of negotiation.
The last thing to mention about IFS is that a lot of practitioners do not account for larger systems. You may have multiple Inner Critics and Criticised Child parts or other types of parts. That is totally ok, they are there because you needed them and you can repeat the same steps with all of your parts to build communication. For the first few interactions focus on understanding their feelings/roles and communicate external changes. Later you can build on letting them make choices and sharing memories when both parties are ready. You can ask other parts that are more stable to help with this process as well.
Think of this as an iterative process, going through big emotions in bite sized chunks will reduce distress for all. Remember with trauma and amnesia, slow is fast!