LifeIsMyCanvas Member Profile

Authentic Communication with Parts

Trauma Support / by LifeIsMyCanvas

December 9th

...See more I was having some self reflection time this afternoon and listened to a few podcasts on trauma. I heard Gabor Maté say that ‘giving up authenticity in favour of attachment’ is a common trauma pattern. We all have 2 fundamental needs, authenticity (to accept ourselves and be accepted by others) and attachment. Attachment in early years is vital for survival. When bad experiences happen to us that cause us to override our gut feelings in order to stay attached to our caregivers, this is an example of attachment over authenticity. I recently went through some difficult experiences and noticed that many ‘friends’ weren’t there for me when I needed help. Increasingly I was having to ‘not be me’ to fit in so I left. But then it occurred to me that there are parts inside who have this same dilemma. So how can we authentically connect to our inner world/our parts after trauma? In DID open chat we often talk about our child parts needing/wanting attachment from others. Sometimes it can lead to difficult boundaries or feel embarrassing to older parts or those of us with a more avoidant attachment style. We always encourage child parts to connect to the adult parts because those parts will always be there for them. But what if they aren’t? Often old trauma patterns mean that we continue ‘give up’ our authenticity to ‘fit it’. I know for myself, making everyone else ok (externally) meant we were safer, so it was a logical defence strategy. But as we get older the cost of giving up our true selves is too great and can lead to addiction, chronic illness & disconnection from those authentic parts of ourselves that we say no to. We see this conflict play out in our internal world all the time. Some parts are angry at the injustices that happen to us (and rightly so). Then the protective parts come in to quieten things down to appease the outside and keep us externally connected. But some of our parts on the inside can feel that we have left them behind or exiled them in favour of outside connection. In our system they looked outside for connection because us inside adults taught them that’s what was important. How do we authentically connect to, and have safe attachments with our parts? We need to find out at what point were they taught to ignore their gut feelings. Us externally focused daily life parts need to sit with those needs and feelings that we have ignored and accept them. Work out what is needed, and make sure we accept the need. Then we need to negotiate how to meet the need without saying no to ourselves, and move to a healthier ‘yes’. Gabor Maté recently wrote a book called the Myth of Normal. In it he gives us 6 questions to work out where we got disconnected: - Where in your life to you have difficulty saying no? - What was the impact on you not saying no? (shame, loss of control - main trigger for stress). - What is the belief that keeps you from saying no? (It will probably show up as a story.) - How did you develop that story? Where or from whom did you learn that? - Who would you be if you didn’t believe that you must not say no? - What are you not saying yes to? Our parts often hold the memories that link to those beliefs, so we need them to help us with the missing pieces of the puzzle. By working through the questions together and making ‘internal enquiries’, we can begin to authentically connect. With connection comes an understanding of what was ours (the no’s we didn’t speak) and what was other peoples (the stories they told us). Lastly I leave you with a little poem: The body The body keeps the score, Yes, I’ve heard this before, It’s not just the score it keeps, But all the times we didn’t weep. It tells the story of the pain, The times we suppressed the shame, It holds all the no’s we shout, The ones that didn’t come out. The body kept us alive, It’s helps us to survive, It’s brilliant and ashamed, We disconnect it from our name. Pretend like it’s not there, Don’t give it any care, If it’s not really mine, I won’t let out a whine. But it is mine and it’s there, No matter how hard I stare, The mirror doesn’t become my friend, But body is still mine in the end. If you want to watch the podcast that inspired this reflection you can watch it here: https://youtu.be/PLvCXIvgrGQ?si=35MjT666h34ecApB

Working with Parts

Trauma Support / by LifeIsMyCanvas

January 29th

...See more Why is there conflict between parts? According to Structural Dissociation there are 2 types of parts: Emotional Parts (EPs) who are trauma holders and Apparently Normal Parts (ANPs) who manage daily life. There are often conflicts between these types of parts, because one type is focused on the external world and the other type is focused on the internal world. Sometimes Daily Life parts will deny the presence of Emotional Parts to allow them to focus on the external world, without the distraction of trauma. But this can leave younger emotional parts feeling abandoned and unheard. Often leaving them feeling like they need to ‘shout louder’ to make themselves known. Why do my Parts ‘Act Out’? Trauma holders (EPs) contain our painful emotions, they also hold any trauma responses known as the 6 F’s: Fight, Flight, Freeze, Flop, Fawn, and beFriend. IFS proposes that Emotional Parts fall into 2 categories: Exiles which hold emotions that we ‘aren’t allowed to feel’, and Firefighters that shutdown these emotions so that they don’t affect the functioning of Daily Life Parts (ANPs). For Exiled parts of us, they are often small and frightened, they need the love and care of an adult to protect them. They might attach to people easily and get hurt by rejection or abandonment. Whereas our daily life parts may avoid attachments, or relationships where someone else has control over us. Firefighters will come out and shutdown emotional responses from exiled parts, they may do this with unhealthy coping strategies, amnesia or disorientation. But their aim is to assist the Daily Life parts in maintaining functioning in the external world. It is important to understand that all parts seek to protect the system and body from harm. They all have different roles and behaviours that they use to do this. If we want to reduce the ‘intrusions’ from the internal world into our daily life functioning we need to make time to intentionally notice and respond to the needs of our internal world. Some little parts may not know what year they are in or that the abuse is over (if it is). It’s important not to label our parts as being ‘the angry part’ or ‘the fight part’. Whilst parts might fulfil these functions, they are their own people with personality traits, likes and dislikes. Over identification with trauma roles can make it difficult for them to separate themselves from the trauma, choose new roles or focus on things that they enjoy doing. How can I make it stop? There are a few things to think about when communicating and building relationships with our parts. - Be curious Curiosity is a helpful tool in understanding the motivation behind our part’s actions and to getting to know them better. Often Emotional Parts just want to be heard. They have been holding a lot of difficult memories/feelings for a long time. Shame and our feelings or reactions about their emotions can often get in the way of us really listening to our parts. If we can learn to ask questions and seek understanding of their needs, we can look for information rather than judging. Which will hopefully lead to our parts being more willing to communicate. Hearing our parts and trying to understand them is crucial to building trust. - Get to know your parts System mapping can be a helpful tool for understanding how your system functions and what motivates them. Many Daily Life parts go on fact finding hunts about what trauma is hidden but this often misses the fact that our parts have needs and are not just trauma holders. Try to get to know them, what activities does everyone like? Can you make time for them to join in with colouring or journalling? Often these methods of communication appeal to child parts and are a more contained way of expressing strong emotions without flooding Daily Life parts. It also helps to build internal secure attachment and trust. - Understand emotions Often our responses to emotions are a result of beliefs our abusers instilled in us. Many feel uncomfortable crying, feeling anger or pleasant emotions. When we understand the function of our emotions it can help us not to label them as ‘good’ or ‘bad’. They are a communication tool for our mind and body to let us know what is going on for us. They are like an internal barometer that lets us know our emotional ‘weather’. They can be a useful bridge to understanding how the internal and external worlds intersect. For example, anger’s function is to point out a perceived injustice. Which gives us the energy to prompt us to change something. If something in the outside world is making us angry then it could be a sign that someone has crossed our boundaries and we need to take corrective action. If we find ourselves having angry outbursts for things that other people don’t have an issue with, it might be that we have some unresolved trauma in our internal world. Separating the two can be tricky at first, but with therapy we can learn how to identify and manage these responses. - Negotiate coping strategies Once you understand why a part behaves in a certain way and how it protects the system you can talk to them about alternative coping strategies. It is ok to negotiate the way something is done, but not the need itself. The need is always valid. An example might be that you have a little part who floods you with traumatic memories because they want to tell you how distressed they are. This can cause flashbacks for Daily Life parts. Instead you could ask them to draw or write out what they want to share with you or share with a trusted person like a therapist. - Understand behaviours as a trauma response Parts do what they do for a reason. Each part will have an action system that they are in control of, and the way they fulfil that action will depend on what was needed to survive the trauma. Action systems are our base functions like play, eating (attractive stimuli) and avoiding danger (aversive stimuli). When we have trauma that effects these action systems, this becomes a behaviour response to situations that require those action systems in daily life functioning. Keep in mind the 6 Fs when you try to work out what parts respond to situations and in which ways. There can also be more than one part who has part of an action system. For example in our system we have one part who avoids food, one who eats it whilst it’s available, one that has rules about what to eat, another how to eat… all depending on the situations they had to eat in. For reference I’ve provided a guide as to what behaviours might fit into which trauma responses, but if this doesn’t fit you that is ok. Every system is different and your part’s motivators/responses would be dependent on their personality traits and traumatic experiences. Fight - We have the obvious responses of rage and fighting. But internalised fight responses can also show up as self harm or suicidal thoughts/actions. Flight - Parts might come out and physically run away leaving you with amnesia about how you got to places. Internalised flight responses might be eating disorder behaviours or addictions. Freeze - Parts might immobilise you or being hypotonic to feign death when we cannot fight or run away. Flop - Collapsing and immobilising the body/speech to prepare for death. Fawn - When you have been abused many times and fight, flight and freeze responses have not worked, parts might comply with the wishes of others, often at the detriment of their own needs. People pleasing might help avoid further abuse but is often at the detriment of your own wellbeing. beFriend - Some parts might befriend abusers, by playing a part in the abuse. You might see this in families where multiple family members will scapegoat a specific family member. Or where you had to do a less bad action to avoid a worse one, such as in a double bind scenario. All of these are valid responses to trauma, however they might all be helpful to continue as adults after the abuse has ceased.

Keep off the grass - *TW* A poem about society ignoring abuse

Trauma Support / by LifeIsMyCanvas

June 21st, 2023

Stabilising parts: Using IFS Un-blending for DID

Trauma Support / by LifeIsMyCanvas

April 26th, 2023

...See more Un-blending is a technique that was developed by Richard Swartz as part of Internal Family System therapy. It was designed to help a person to separate themselves from inner critics or criticised parts. Inner critics (sometimes known as persecutor parts in DID terminology) often ‘attack’ us with thoughts/feelings. They seem to reenact abusers, so naturally, they feel terrifying and can overwhelm us. Often once you get to know these parts you may become aware that they are actually trying to protect you by ensuring you behave in the manner that will make you the least likely to be hurt by the abuser(s). Another type of part that IFS focuses on is the criticised child, they can overwhelm us leaving us depressed, sad, hopeless or worthless. These parts are sometimes known as Exiles and hold our shame responses. They often have unrealistic expectations from our abuser(s) or Inner Critics/Internal Persecutor parts. Once you are away from the abuser(s), these behaviours are no longer needed in order to keep yourself safe. However, the opposing reactions of these Emotional Parts can continue to cause conflict long after the trauma has ended. IFS seeks to remedy this. IFS asks us to think of emotions and sensations as communications from parts. With DID this might be seeing parts inside who are distressed and crying or re-experiencing trauma through body memories and flashbacks. Anything you don’t identify as belonging to ‘you’, or feeling s of confusion about who ‘you’ are, could be a communication from a part. It is tempting to push these big feelings away, they are often intense and held by parts that hold trauma memories. But in pushing them away they are likely to escalate, as parts will feel invalidated and likely to 'shout louder'. There are a few techniques that our system has tried in order to cope with these times. The approach we use is different based on how well we know the part, if they are usually cooperative (or not), and what age they are. IFS begins by suggesting that you detach the sensations you are experiencing and step back from the part that is flooding you. This can feel counterintuitive for those of us who have DID as it can appear as if it is encouraging dissociation. To combat this, we have reframed it as having ‘Internal Boundaries’. Each part has their own circle or bubble in which they contain how they are feeling. They can ask for help and share their feelings, but they must ask permission from another part to do so. This avoids further flooding in the future. The key to this technique is trust. If you do not come back to help them, they will revert to flooding again and it will take longer to reestablish trust the next time. If no one is available or able to help at the time of distress, other methods of containment such as imagining a jar to put feelings in may help until it is safe to share. Encourage your parts to bring these to inner meetings and share what is going on when they are ready. If you have a large system you might wish to buddy up littles/child parts with adult parts or another little to befriend. Un-blending can be very useful for DID but in my opinion, it needs to be adapted to take into consideration that when a part begins to communicate with you (especially in the beginning) it begins to remove the dissociative amnesia. The amnesia has kept the functioning parts (Apparently Normal Parts) ‘safe’ from the knowledge of the trauma and often they are resistant to hear from EPs. In addition, some internal parts may still be frozen and stuck in ‘trauma time’ not knowing that the abuser(s) are now gone, or that you are an adult capable of keeping yourself safe. If your abuser(s) are still in your life they may be coming forward to prompt you to reach safety. If you are not yet safe, that needs to be your primary focus before you work on unbending. We will now look at the 6 Fs in the IFS un-blending technique: 1. Find -The very first thing to do is recognise their distress. We all need to be heard, seen and validated. Parts are no different. In fact, they have most likely been holding these feelings for a very long time and it is important to acknowledge and honour that fact. Notice where in the body you feel the sensation. 2. Focus - Draw your attention to the part that is communicating with you. Try not to control what is happening and let them show themselves in whichever way they need too. 3. Flesh out - Notice how they look, sound, what they are saying or how the body is feeling now your attention is focused on them. 4. Feel Towards - Thank the part for communicating with you and for keeping you safe from these feelings thus far. It may feel inconvenient, awful timing, distressing or you may even feel angry that they are doing this ‘to you’. Try to remember that they are very distressed and treat them as you would any other child/person who is distressed. Self-compassion can be triggering for those of us who have been in self-punishment. The first step to calming is to help them understand it is safe to share with you, what has happened to them. This might feel like telling, but it is not, you are all internal and it is a safe space to share. If you are not able to be kind towards them then do not continue or it is likely to escalate internal conflicts further. If at this point you are not able to continue, reassure them that you heard them and invite them to communicate with you again when you are feeling better. 5. BeFriend - How well do you know the part? Here are a few questions that might be helpful - Ask them if they know what year it is - Communicate what is going on in the outside world, who you live with, what area, your daily/weekly routine etc… - Ask them what their role is and who gave it to them? - Ask them if they want to share anything about themselves, but avoid asking direct questions (esp for SRA/MC as it may feel like reporting). - Ask them if they want to keep doing that role or if they would like a new one. - If they share their name, ask them if they would like to keep that name or choose a new one. We call this phase reorientation and we also do this when we check in with parts or want to communicate external changes that might affect them. 6. Fear - Find out what would happen if they stopped doing their role - Ask them if there is anything in particular that is making them afraid or upsetting them. - Ask them what they think would happen if they stopped doing their role. - Discuss other ways that role could be done or if it is still needed, this one may take longer and work better when trust has been established. The point of these questions are to explain that life is different now and they only have to continue to do their roles if they want to. Try to avoid leaving them without roles or structure as they might default to prior roles. If they don’t want to give up their role then discuss how they might adjust for your current life. Remember it will take time, so focus on building trust and not getting a perfect outcome, it will probably require a lot of negotiation. The last thing to mention about IFS is that a lot of practitioners do not account for larger systems. You may have multiple Inner Critics and Criticised Child parts or other types of parts. That is totally ok, they are there because you needed them and you can repeat the same steps with all of your parts to build communication. For the first few interactions focus on understanding their feelings/roles and communicate external changes. Later you can build on letting them make choices and sharing memories when both parties are ready. You can ask other parts that are more stable to help with this process as well. Think of this as an iterative process, going through big emotions in bite sized chunks will reduce distress for all. Remember with trauma and amnesia, slow is fast!

Understanding the types of Dissociation

Trauma Support / by LifeIsMyCanvas

December 13th, 2023

...See more This post will explain the diagnostic crieteria for different types of dissociation, how dissociation feels for those experiencing it and why it happens from a survival perspective. Disclaimer: Please remember I am 1 system and the way you experience it may be different. I would love it if you would share your experiences too. The simplest way to explain Dissociation is a disconnect from the present moment. It is a survival technique that is part of the freeze response to danger. When we cannot get away or fight, our mind is taken offline. Brain resources for things like digestion, reproduction & memory processing are redirected so that our body can focus on keeping alive. Dissociation is a normal response to stress Everyone in the population experiences dissociation but some of us who have been through trauma will experience ‘more’ dissociation. The most common is when our mind switches to autopilot or daydreaming. Imagine you are driving home. You remember getting into the car and then you are home but you don’t remember details of the journey. This is a mild form of dissociation where the sense of time passing and memory is lost. Another common form is daydreaming. You are ‘on another planet’, ‘miles away’ thinking about something far more relevant to you at that moment than the mundane or the boring lecture, class or watching the clock at work avoiding the report you have to submit later. When dissociation becomes our first response to stress, it can cause us to develop a dissociative disorder. Depersonalisation Depersonalisation is when you experience a disconnect from yourself. This can be physical or emotional. - A physical disconnect can feel like you are without a body or are floating over yourself watching down. This happens because the brain temporarily loses track of where your body is positioned in the world. Our brain disconnects from the body when it is experiencing trauma, allowing other survival functions of the brain to take over. It can be difficult to live with, we often burn ourselves cooking, bump into things or fall over. Functionally it can feel like we are drunk, stumbling around and not really in control. - An emotional disconnect feels like we have stepped back inside and are witnessing ourselves in the third person. We might observe our emotions but not connect with them. It can make it more difficult to know what emotions or boundaries belong to us or other people. Derealisation Derealisation is a disconnect from our surroundings. It may feel as if the world is too real or not real at all. You might see objects changing in shape, size, colour or changes in other sensory perceptions. Subjective distortion of the world is common in derealisation. - If the world feels too real, objects may be brighter or more vivid than usual. You might see objects seeming to be unusually clearer or larger. Sounds may seem louder, time can feel like it is moving faster than it is and other sensory perceptions may be heightened.The world becomes so intense that it feels totally frightening. - Alternatively it may feel not real like a dampening down of sensations or feel as if people around us aren’t real. This can be experienced as being in a dream state, a fog or as if a glass wall/veil separates us from our surroundings. The world seems lifeless, colorless, or artificial. Objects may appear blurry, flat or smaller than they are. Sounds can feel softer or absent and time might feel like it is moving slowly. The first time we experienced this was after our diagnosis. I felt like I was walking around in a bubble, everything was without colour and I didn’t feel like a real person. Dissociative Amnesia Dissociative Amnesia can take many forms. Psychologists usually break this down into 4 categories. - Localised amnesia is when all details of an event or period are missing in your conscious memory. This may happen during stressful periods or events in your life, or in DID/OSDD when other parts come out and have control of the body without the consciousness of other parts. - Selective amnesia is where some details of an event or period are missing. As before this can be to ‘hold’ certain distressing information or where parts are holding certain aspects of events. Sometimes this can result in parts thinking they remember something that happened, but being confused about conflicting information that another part holds. For us we had parts that were aware of ‘good’ mummy and those that only remember ‘bad’ mummy. - Systematised amnesia occurs where there is a category of memory missing, or all information about a specific person. In DID/OSDD a part or parts might hold all memories of a person or for example all sexual abuse encounters. You may have a part that comes out to deal with all sexual activity to save the other parts of you from feeling distress. Another example might be where you cannot recall someone significant. This could be forgetting about a family member who has passed away and cannot recall what they looked like, or who they were. - Continuous amnesia is where new events occur but are perpetually forgotten. Dissociative Fugue Dissociative Fugue is an extreme state of dissociative amnesia where people lose some or all memories of their past, and can disappear from their usual environments. A dissociative fugue may last from hours to months. During the fugue, people may appear and act normal or appear only mildly confused. When the fugue ends, people suddenly find themselves in a new situation with no memory of how they came to be there or what they have been doing. At this point, many people feel ashamed or upset that they cannot remember what happened. Some people are frightened. If they are confused, they may come to the attention of medical or legal authorities. After the fugue ends, many people remember their past identity and life up to when the fugue began. However, for others, remembering takes longer and occurs more gradually. Some people never remember parts of their past. A very few people remember nothing or almost nothing about their past for the rest of their life. I experience Fugue state when I am extremely stressed. I often find myself wandering around the local park freezing cold and lost about 4 hours. It is different from switching for me, I’m ‘not myself’ but I’m not another part either. My memory is gone and it takes someone prompting me with small details to ‘bring me back’ and regain my memory. Identity Alteration/Switching Identity Alteration/Switching is a form of dissociation where the brain has developed more than one personality state. The brain can shift or switch between these states depending on internal or external triggers. Parts can range from fragments who hold emotion/sensory or part of a memory to fully developed parts with names, ages, backstories and life experiences. References: https://www.msdmanuals.com/en-gb/professional/psychiatric-disorders/dissociative-disorders/depersonalization-derealization-disorder [https://www.msdmanuals.com/en-gb/professional/psychiatric-disorders/dissociative-disorders/depersonalization-derealization-disorder] https://www.msdmanuals.com/en-gb/professional/psychiatric-disorders/dissociative-disorders/dissociative-amnesia [https://www.msdmanuals.com/en-gb/professional/psychiatric-disorders/dissociative-disorders/dissociative-amnesia] https://www.msdmanuals.com/en-gb/home/mental-health-disorders/dissociative-disorders/dissociative-fugue [https://www.msdmanuals.com/en-gb/home/mental-health-disorders/dissociative-disorders/dissociative-fugue] https://did-research.org/comorbid/dd/osdd_udd/did_osd [https://did-research.org/comorbid/dd/osdd_udd/did_osdd]

Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in Sunday 21st of October, 2018

Trauma Support / by LifeIsMyCanvas

October 22nd, 2018

...See more Hi Trauma Family, Today we are going to look at Internal Limits, and how Boundaries and Identity are related. We all have feelings, impulses and desires but sometimes these are not good for us or might hurt other people. The Internal Limits we have are related to self control, it is not about repression of our feelings or impulses, its more of a pause point to look at whether those feelings or desires serve our longer term goals. This could be an urge to act out self-harm behaviours or eating disorder behaviours but these are likely to compromise our long-term recovery goals and possibly leave us feeling bad about ourselves. How does Trauma affect our Internal Limits? * Often relational trauma effects our ability to develop a sense of identity. This is because the demands and needs of others can overtake ours or cause us to not develop a core sense of self that is separate from our abusers. * Our stress levels increase and our nervous systems become stuck in a fight, flight or freeze response where we live on survival auto-pilot. * We might not know which parts of us are ours and what parts of us, such as core beliefs, have been instilled in us through trauma. How do we set Internal Limits? * Imagine how you would like your life to be in the future. When you have a feeling or urge ask yourself, ‘will acting on this bring me closer to or further away from the future I want? * We talked about beliefs recently, our beliefs and values are a core part of our identity and should provide insight into what our internal limits should be. * How we act is a massive part of how the world views us. It is the external reflection of our identity. Think of a 2 way mirror, we are able to look inside and see outside of ourselves but others are only able to see the outside. Todays exercise is to think about a couple of things that you want to have in your future life. What Internal Limits will you need to achieve that future self? If you dont know that is ok, lots of people have discovered and revised things whilst on the journey. Today is just a first step, we dont need to see the whole stair case. If this is not your topic today, I invite you to take some blankets and cookies and if you have a little bravery, ask yourself what is blocking you from the first step today?

Traumatic Experiences Community Daily-Check In : Wednesday, 17th October

Trauma Support / by LifeIsMyCanvas

October 20th, 2018

...See more Hi Trauma Fam, Another boundary topic today… just a few left to go in our series! On Sunday we looked at how our feelings are a motivator for our behaviours. Today we are going to look at another behaviour related boundary and that is Attitudes & Beliefs. Attitudes have to do with your orientation toward something. Beliefs are anything that you accept as true. After trauma we can be left with beliefs and attitudes that are not necessarily ones that we would have held on to if the abuser had not hurt us. These beliefs can become a source of pain for us, by continuing the abusive cycle in our minds. So today I am challenging you to write out some of the things that you believe about yourself and think about where those beliefs might have come from. The second challenge is to look at our attitudes and how we respond to other people. It is important that if we believe something and act on it that we understand why we behave that way. Is that a positive outcome for us? Or are we reliving a past trauma internally? If something is traumatising us we need to let it go so that we can replace it with something healthier that serves us in our new life after trauma. Remember, our attitudes and beliefs are ours to keep, they fall within our property line. We are the ones who feel their effect and the ones who can change them. We are the ones that own them! You dont have to share all of your journaling with us, but if you would like help or input we are here to listen and support you. If this one its your topic thats ok, come and grab and extra soft fluffy blanket and snuggle up with your fave teddy. (I let my littles pick the pictures and colours today!)

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