Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check In - August 25th 2018
Its such a special day today for me and my banana friends! Its National Banana Split Day! How shall you celebrate that one? Maybe something involving bananas and ice cream right?
Its also National Kiss and MakeUp Day. Seems to me thats a lot bigger ask than tucking into a bowl of ice cream and fruit. But actually, from a therapeutic perspective, being able to move on from disputes will serve you well. So Im not talking here about forgiving those who may have hurt you deeply in the past. Thats still something to consider, but a much bigger ask. Im talking about keeping current conflicts in perspective.
Lets imagine youve had a spat, maybe with a friend or a partner. I find I can often inflate the effect of it because it causes me to recall memories of previous events, but thats my brain inflating the conflict, not the intent of the person Ive had a run in with. So first rule is to keep it in perspective. Were never going to agree on everything, but having a difference of opinion is okay. It doesnt have to become a battle. Secondly, just as the person were having that run in with doesnt know all our history and triggers, we dont know theirs. So a bit of patience and understanding is essential. Thirdly, are our expectations of the other person reasonable? If were waiting for one specific response from them, we could be waiting a long time! Theyre not mind readers. If you need something specific in order to move on, tell them.
You dont have to win the fight! If both of you are seeking this objective, one of you is going to be sorely disappointed. Resolving conflict is about reaching a compromise or an understanding, rather than coming away with an ‘I was right, you were wrong mentality. And once youve managed to find that understanding, put it behind you. Its done. Conflict resolved. Maybe its time to bond again over a bowl of bananas and ice cream :)
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@DeborahUK
I think Banana Split is my favorite desert, I dont really need a special day to enjoy it. But is a a perfect excuse to indulge myself.
The Kiss and make up day is a bit more difficult but I think the first person to kiss and make up with is myself. I don't really think I can do that in a day but I can make a start. And have another B.S. 
@nolongerafraid
Hmmm, Im curious. Why do you feel you need to make up with yourself? Is it just that you deserve to treat yourself better, or are you telling yourself you have something to forgive?
On another note, yo sista, dat reggae reggae sounds mighty fine 🇯🇲
@DeborahUK I am my own worst critic and I want to love myself, loosen up and be able to explore new things and make mistakes. I am making my own life more difficult than necessary. I wish I could get along more with myself. If that makes sense. And yes, there is plenty to forgive myself for too.
And about tonight, mi a guh ave fun!
@nolongerafraid
And someting totally different but exciting, I am going to Reggae Lake Festival this afternoon and watch UB40 play live tonight
It is all day but the weather sucks. If we go later we are hopefully less cold and wet when they start, lol
Hiii 👋🏼
I
@singercrystalspirit
Its hard when you feel youre the one making all the compromise, so its understandable you should feel disheartened. I wonder whether your mother will ever change her view, or whether shes one of those parents who will permanently view you as a child, and feel her opinion always holds more validity. Do you think theres any negotiation to be had with her? If you told her how she was making you feel, and stressed that you want to make your own decisions in life. Although youd like to do that with her blessing, her withholding her approval wont change anything, other than to create stress for you both. Might she be able to understand that, and reflect on her approach towards you.
I wonder how familiar you are with transactional analysis?
It strikes me that your mother is holding onto the critical parent role. What role are you taking in response? Its easy to fall into childlike responses, but really you would both benefit from a mutually respectful adult to adult conversation. Without that you tend to fall into one person winning and the other losing, which leaves someone feeling hopeless, angry or unheard.
@DeborahUK
@DeborahUK
Crap my response deleted itself.... I
@DeborahUK
I can
@singercrystalspirit
I was thinking of you as I went about my Saturday. I wonder how you approach your mum with your plans? Do you go to her full of enthusiasm, ‘hey mum, only a week now until Im off to Oregon, I cant wait. Ill Skype you when I get there so you can see where Im living, etc etc. Or is it more of an approach for support, as in ‘mum, Im due to go to Oregon in a week and Im really not sure its the right thing to do. Because from a TA perspective you can see how the first is approaching her as an adult and invites her to respond as an adult, so you have a mutually respectful conversation, whereas the latter is approaching as a child looking to a parent for advice, and thats then how she treats you. Does that make sense? Can you relate that to how your mum treats you, or is she constantly in critical parent role however you approach her?
@DeborahUK
Ohh ughhh.... I approach her as a child for support 😔
Hi
@Npepsicola
I avoid conflict like the plague. Its easier to just let things happen sometimes then try and fight them. I dont like making people upset. Which ironically it seems like i do a lot.
I HAVE KITTENS! AND THEY ARE SO SO SO CUTE :3 HEHEHEH.
@Lilibuth12
Kittens!!!! 🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾 Yay!!!!!!!
I avoid conflict. I try to exit stage left before it escalates and then remain hidden. If I can't avoid it then my go to emotion kicks in and I respond with anger. My brain is constantly screaming "fire" where there is no fire. I have to try to be aware of when there really is a problem vs my mind twisting things. I'm not very good at telling the difference to be honest. I'm the kind of person that's better off avoiding people in general.
Today I'm hiding from the world. No phone, no people, curtains closed sitting in silence. I'm too overwhelmed lately and having a fear response to a lot of things. Even typing this there is fear. Am I saying the right things? Will anyone even read this? Does this group even want me here? Am I even worth the time? Maybe I should slink back and say nothing.
I hope everyone is having a nice Saturday.
@practicalIdeal2007
You don't have to have ANY fear here ❤️❤️ You're SO welcomed here! This is a safe place to say anything- ask questions- share stuff you're scared of and ask for things you need. ❤️❤️❤️
I really understand what you're going through. I hope you can rest under some warm blankets and hug a teddy bear 🐻 or whatever you have that helps you. ❤️ We are here for you!!!!!!
@KLM3278
There is so much fear. I want to ask for a hug, but I am so afraid. Afraid of more rejection. Afraid of people. Afraid of physical touch, even a simple handshake sends fear coursing through me. People tell me I'm strong. When I try to tell them I'm not they tell me "think happy thoughs". If only it were that easy.
Thank you so much for reading, seeing and responding. I know you don't really know me and I'm trying to share. I'm having such a hard time trying to figure out what to say.
@practicalIdeal2007
Trust me, I understand. Being touched is scary and I also have a hard time. I also know its not as simple as just think happy thoughts. Right now that best thing you can do is to admit and verbalize why and what you're a fraid of. I really encourage you to really be honest with your counselor or therapist. They can and will help you. Its scary and hard and feels impossible I know. But I also know you can do it! I believe in you!!!!❤️❤️❤️
@practicalIdeal2007
Good to hear from you :)
I saw the image below in a few feed posts some time ago, and it really helped me to consider how I approached people. You are not an apology, your wants and needs, thoughts and feelings are as valid as the next person. I hope youll give the image some thought, and realise you dont have to hide away. Youre equal. You matter.
@DeborahUK
I find myself apologizing for those things almost daily. Especially for exisiting. It gives me something to think about. About what is worthy of an apology. Thank you so much for your response.
Hi. My friend and only support besides here is gone for the next two weeks. I was used to going it alone and was ok with it. I'm not sure how I feel now. I think I'm going to miss her and that sucks. I'll be ok just didn't expect it to bother me. I tend to disconnect from people when they aren't around. I hope that doesn't happen in this case. Anyway a banana split sounds good and I bet my daughter would agree.
@RedHawk6547
It
@DeborahUK
Thanks for replying. I don't take it personally that she is gone. I know I am in her thoughts whether we talk or not. She deserves to have a vacation and I'm glad she got to go. My issue is realizing how much I rely on her. I'm trying to figure out if that is right for me.
@DeborahUK
My favourite is banana split too, so going to celebrate today! Thank you for your wise words Deb.If only we can listen to each other and reach a compromise, conflict can be resolved.Then as you said it can be left behind. Otherwise all we do is try to put new wallpaper over the messy wall, and it doesn't sit properly, isn't smooth and just doesn't work well.
Love the kitties too!! x
@rozie
I hate a messy wall! And even if you do manage to cover it up somehow, you always know its there. Yes, live and let live has increasingly become my philosophy over the years. Its okay to agree to disagree too. We cant all share the same opinions, and what a dull life it would be if we all thought the same way.
I hope you managed to celebrate banana split day in style. Mine was more heavy with the ice cream than the fruit!