Distortion No. 4: Personalization
Hi everyone! I hope you are well. Thank you for participating in our cognitive distortion series. You can check out all the previous posts in this series here.
Today we will be talking about a very important cognitive distortion. I believe reframing this type of thinking can greatly improve the quality of your life. It is ‘personalization’. Personalization is one of the cognitive distortions where you believe that things are connected to you even though you have nothing to do with them. Another way people fall prey to personalization is when they believe they are responsible for things outside of their control.
Examples of personalization and in the brackets are what usually is the reality:
- My friend did not pair with me for this project, he does not value me. (In reality the teacher asked the friend to pair up with X person to ensure X person is well supported)
- I was 15 minutes late to class. My professor must think I am so tardy (so is half the class, the professor realized the traffic must be bad.)
- My partner broke up with me because I am not a good enough person to stay in a long distance relationship with (Your partner broke up because she was moving away and did not wish to do long distance, which had nothing to do with your worth)
- If I had only reminded my sister to carry her sweater to her practice, she would not have caught this cold (There is no guarantee the lack of a sweater caused the cold, nor are you responsible for preventing it)
- My boss has been so reserved and quiet all day. It must be that I could not submit my report on time (Your boss is sick and does not have the energy to communicate more than needed, your boss does not even remember the report delay)
The key thing in this cognitive distortion is taking things personally. It's important to understand that a sense of responsibility/accountability in life is important. It helps you lead a fulfilling life. However, to be able to take responsibility and be accountable for what is truly your responsibility, you need to learn what is related to you and what is not. Here are some areas/examples where it is reasonable to feel accountable/responsible:
- How you process your emotions/feelings (Getting angry is not up to you but how you process your anger is up to you)
- To arrive on time for a meeting (even if the other person is late, you are only responsible for your time management)
- To leave with a reasonable time gap for something important (Even if you meet unexpected traffic and end up getting late, so what? Happens to all of us)
You taking responsibility for your actions does not save you from unexpected detours in your ideal plan. Take them as an expected and consistent part of life and these should not deter you from doing the right thing!
The reason why this post has also explained what responsibility/accountability can look like is so people don’t confuse a lack of accountability as correcting personalization. So we need to separate what is not our problem (in simple terms) so that we can have the energy to deal with the very many problems that are our responsibility.
We will use the same technique for practice as before. The reason for the same technique is so we can get very used to thinking this way when we are faced with unhelpful thoughts.
📢Points of Action:
- Find out your personal hit rate (how accurate your negative assumptions are), don’t just assume, look into your past and get an accurate percentage. (You can skip this if you recall this from our last post)
- Counter your stressful thoughts with positive thoughts based on logic/facts/experience.
⭐After practicing this with at least one thought. Tell us about your experience with this exercise.
⭐ How often do you engage in personalization and how does it impact your life?
Further Reading/Resources
Video explanation of the distortion
Responsibility Pie worksheet (Highly recommended)
I often personalize what others have to say to me.. On normal days (without the current grieving), when a colleague says something to me, I will take it personally at first.. but, after some thought, a couple of days, I'll think back and look at the situation.. What were their true intentions? Are they going through something themselves that caused them to say those things?.. I usually try and take the time to look at different perspectives.. and find out the real cause to the reason they've said what they've spoken.
@Hope
@Hope
- Find out your personal hit rate (how accurate your negative assumptions are), don’t just assume, look into your past and get an accurate percentage. (You can skip this if you recall this from our last post)
ten percent - Counter your stressful thoughts with positive thoughts based on logic/facts/experience.
⭐After practicing this with at least one thought. Tell us about your experience with this exercise.
awesome!
⭐ How often do you engage in personalization and how does it impact your life?
my friend is not acting friendly, i must have done something wrong >>> she is having a bad day
@Hope
Hey hope thank you so much
Hmm example)
Personalization: When I was at college I was always afraid to ask questions or say I didn't understand something so they maybe judged me
Reality: it's okay to ask questions because that's the normal thing when students have questions or misunderstandings they ask for that and no need to feel that you will be judged and it's okay to ask for help
@Hope
- Counter your stressful thoughts with positive thoughts based on logic/facts/experience.
Stressful thought:
I got a low grade on my presentation. How can I go wrong? Why is it always me?
Positive thoughts:
I might have got a low grade because I didn't speak confidently as I used to. Maybe I can try giving my best next time. It's okay to make mistakes. We all are human beings. There no one who has not made a mistake in their life. Forget the past and move forward. Live in the present. Enjoy the present moment.
⭐After practicing this with at least one thought. Tell us about your experience with this exercise.
I might have felt a bit down on hearing my grade. But it doesn't stop there. Changing my thinking patterns gave me some hope that I still can do this.
⭐ How often do you engage in personalization and how does it impact your life?
Sometimes. I guess when I engage in personalization I feel more stressed and it impacts the other areas of my life. Thus, it is important to be spread self-awarensess.
@Hope
I realize I tend to personalize things more than I should, especially in social situations. For instance, if a friend cancels plans, I immediately jump to the conclusion that it’s because they don’t want to hang out with me or that I did something wrong. This kind of thinking can really weigh me down and make me feel rejected. Besides, it creates unnecessary tension and sometimes even makes me hesitant to reach out to people, even when I know their reasons for canceling probably have nothing to do with me.
So I’m working on recognizing these patterns and reminding myself that not everything is a reflection of my worth.
@Hope
Counter your stressful thoughts with positive thoughts based on logic/facts/experience.
My friend is taking a while to respond to my texts, so they must be mad at me. Versus... In reality, my friend has been very busy and is doing their best to keep up with all their responsibilities while maintaining our friendship.
After practicing this with at least one thought. Tell us about your experience with this exercise.
I think the exercise is helpful, because it allows for a different perspective to be thought of besides personalizing it.
How often do you engage in personalization and how does it impact your life?
I engage in personalization occasionally. I think it influenced my way of thinking more in the past than now. It is something I want to continue to be aware of.
Find out your personal hit rate (how accurate your negative assumptions are), don’t just assume, look into your past and get an accurate percentage. (You can skip this if you recall this from our last post)
Counter your stressful thoughts with positive thoughts based on logic/facts/experience.
My partner is having an attitude today, he must be angry at me. - He is annoyed with a family member thus having an attitude.
⭐After practicing this with at least one thought. Tell us about your experience with this exercise.
It can be difficult for me to think reasonably about a matter, especially with a partner, but it’s really important for my well-being.
⭐ How often do you engage in personalization and how does it impact your life?
I engage in personalization mainly when it comes to my partner, and it affects the relationship and my life negatively.
@KatePersephone
It sounds like you’re becoming more aware of how personalization affects your thinking, especially in close relationships. It’s great that you’re taking steps to challenge those assumptions with more rational thoughts, as it can really improve communication and reduce unnecessary stress.
@ Hope.
Negative thought: my daughter is not able to videocall as frequently as before. She must not want to talk or be angry at me.
Positive: she must have a lot of stuff going on, after school activities, adjusting to a new routine. This has nothing to do with my value in her life.
How often do you engage in personalization and how does it impact your life?
This is one of my biggest issues, personalization. My therapist says I am taking on responsibilities that aren't mine. People at work say I am the mother of the office, I feel responsible if my colleagues miss aa deadline because I feel I should have been a better co-worker and reminded them of it. Or of my partner comes home saying he didn't have lunch, I feel I should have packed one for him. He is 33, for crying out loud, and can pack it himself, or order food to the office, or use office canteen. he is not my child. Personalisation makes my life very hectic because my organisers are full of things I have to do for other people, remind my friend it is his gf's birthday (he will forget, as he did before, and she will complain to me about him, and I will feel I failed to be a good friend and remind him), or make sure others are comfortable, safe, on time, etc.
@Healtogether702
It seems like you’re really beginning to notice how personalization is showing up in different areas of your life. It can be tough when you feel responsible for others' actions or well-being, especially when you're taking on tasks that aren’t yours to carry.
To me it feels like this personalization stems from a lack of good boundaries. How do you feel about starting in one area and communicating with one person how you have been helping with X but find yourself unable to keep up and you will no longer be doing it. So that the person is clear about the responsibility shift and then comes the tough part, sticking to what you said and not stepping into save the person. You will be amazed at how fast people can adapt if we take a step back!
⭐ How often do you engage in personalization and how does it impact your life?
While I do try not to engage in personalization, I am still guilty of it. It's not necessarily because I think things happen or don't happen because of me per se... However, as a mom, here is how I engage in personalization. Ever since Covid, I pulled my kids out of public school and had them doing school virtually. Even after it was supposedly safe for kids to return, I kept my kids until home. Last year they returned back to public school and it was a transition for all of us. For years they did learning over the computer, so it was adjustment for them. My son was struggling to find where he fit in, since he missed the social interactions with peers his age. He was getting picked on and bullied by other kids and was struggling. Here's where my personalization as a mom comes in. I really believed that if I just kept my kids at home then I could have protected my son and all of this that was happening to him could have been avoided. I say all this in honesty, because personalization really is harmful to our mental health. Putting constant blame on ourselves to the point we feel guilty is just not healthy. I recognize where I engaged in personalization and aim to avoid it where I can.
@YourCaringConfidant
It's clear that you're reflecting deeply on your actions and the impact of personalization on your mental health. As a parent, it's natural to want to protect your children from any harm or discomfort, and it’s understandable to feel guilty when things don't go as hoped. However, it’s important to remember that you made the best decision you could at the time, given the circumstances, and you can’t control every aspect of your children’s experiences. All you can do is make different choices in the future
@Hope Hearting ❤️ this x100. Thank you for your kind reply. It means a lot to me.
