Distortion 6. Fallacy of Change
Hi everyone! I hope you are doing well. It's time for our 6th post in the cognitive distortion series. Today we will talk about the fallacy of change. I find this definition by PsychCentral to best describe this distortion, ‘The fallacy of change has you expecting other people will change their ways to suit your expectations or needs, particularly when you pressure them enough.’
I think part of it is that we often believe our way of the world to be objective or for the lack of a better word, ‘superior’. The way we wish to do things to us appear the best way there is. So when someone or something does not follow our established patterns, we want them or it to change. However, these unrealistic and sometimes unreasonable expectations lead to resentment and general negative feelings. You feel wronged/let down when people/things don’t change.
The other big problem with this way of thinking is that we wait for things to happen to be happy/be at peace. If your parent does not change, you fail to see anything you can do to improve your life quality. It's very easy to feel like you have no power in life and you are a victim of circumstance.
The reality is whether we are right or wrong, things/people rarely change just because we want them to. This quote sums it up quite nicely ‘Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you’ll understand what little chance you have trying to change others.’ - Arnold Glasow.
So in many ways, we need to be aware of this fault in our thinking so we can reduce some of the added misery/negativity in our lives that come from our need for others to change.
Examples:
- You have made a friend who has always liked partaking in sports as a social activity. He loves to play tennis with his friends so much so that he only meets his friends when he is playing a sport. You met him when you tried the game, and became friends but you could not appreciate the game. Now you are showing up to play games to hang out with your friend but deep down you are waiting for this person to change their desired hang-out spots to suit your needs.
- You took a course that is heavy on memorization. You struggle with memorization and fail to see its value. You believe the course should be changed to better suit the learning goals of today. The professor refuses your request and that has you upset.
- You joined a company where existing people deal with office politics. You don’t want to play the game and you are hoping they will change their ways to create a better workspace.
You can typically identify this pattern as it often starts with ‘If Only…’
If you noticed the demands/expectations of these examples are not that unreasonable but still the chances of the situation changing are low. When you know your new friend drives joy from his sporty meetings, there is little chance he will change what works for him. The course you took, you knew what it was, so why would a whole class change to suit you even when you are right? The company you joined is set in its ways, even if yours is superior, other than heartbreak not much will come out of your desire to change the workplace.
Even worse, when you refuse to see things for what it is. You end up at risk for some negative outcomes. You may lose a friend if you wish for him to change, and you may fail a course if you don’t manage your expectations.
As always let’s challenge our negative thoughts and break these patterns that hold us back
To practice shifting our perspective and helping us not feed unrealistic expectations:
- Let's reflect on a time when we expected something/someone to change. How did that end up working out?
- What would you have done differently if you knew about this fallacy?
Further Resources
