Distortion 6. Fallacy of Change
Hi everyone! I hope you are doing well. It's time for our 6th post in the cognitive distortion series. Today we will talk about the fallacy of change. I find this definition by PsychCentral to best describe this distortion, ‘The fallacy of change has you expecting other people will change their ways to suit your expectations or needs, particularly when you pressure them enough.’
I think part of it is that we often believe our way of the world to be objective or for the lack of a better word, ‘superior’. The way we wish to do things to us appear the best way there is. So when someone or something does not follow our established patterns, we want them or it to change. However, these unrealistic and sometimes unreasonable expectations lead to resentment and general negative feelings. You feel wronged/let down when people/things don’t change.
The other big problem with this way of thinking is that we wait for things to happen to be happy/be at peace. If your parent does not change, you fail to see anything you can do to improve your life quality. It's very easy to feel like you have no power in life and you are a victim of circumstance.
The reality is whether we are right or wrong, things/people rarely change just because we want them to. This quote sums it up quite nicely ‘Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you’ll understand what little chance you have trying to change others.’ - Arnold Glasow.
So in many ways, we need to be aware of this fault in our thinking so we can reduce some of the added misery/negativity in our lives that come from our need for others to change.
Examples:
- You have made a friend who has always liked partaking in sports as a social activity. He loves to play tennis with his friends so much so that he only meets his friends when he is playing a sport. You met him when you tried the game, and became friends but you could not appreciate the game. Now you are showing up to play games to hang out with your friend but deep down you are waiting for this person to change their desired hang-out spots to suit your needs.
- You took a course that is heavy on memorization. You struggle with memorization and fail to see its value. You believe the course should be changed to better suit the learning goals of today. The professor refuses your request and that has you upset.
- You joined a company where existing people deal with office politics. You don’t want to play the game and you are hoping they will change their ways to create a better workspace.
You can typically identify this pattern as it often starts with ‘If Only…’
If you noticed the demands/expectations of these examples are not that unreasonable but still the chances of the situation changing are low. When you know your new friend drives joy from his sporty meetings, there is little chance he will change what works for him. The course you took, you knew what it was, so why would a whole class change to suit you even when you are right? The company you joined is set in its ways, even if yours is superior, other than heartbreak not much will come out of your desire to change the workplace.
Even worse, when you refuse to see things for what it is. You end up at risk for some negative outcomes. You may lose a friend if you wish for him to change, and you may fail a course if you don’t manage your expectations.
As always let’s challenge our negative thoughts and break these patterns that hold us back
To practice shifting our perspective and helping us not feed unrealistic expectations:
- Let's reflect on a time when we expected something/someone to change. How did that end up working out?
- What would you have done differently if you knew about this fallacy?
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Finally! A distortion that I don't feel is an issue in my life 😀😆
I feel this is my condition but I don't know how to change it, like there is so much I can't even reflect on what I am doing. It looks like so hard. Maybe I need help.
@Hope Tbh. I don't think this is a distortion at all. Of course, it is one's own decision how to deal with it in the end, but if you wish to change something, giving up and accepting it is not the way to go. It won't improve anything but one's own little bubble of wellbeing. It won't improve anything for the majority of people.
I would say, choose your battles, but do not just accept anything, especially if it is harmful for a group.
Oh, and I wish most people did not give up so easily whenever they encounter something that seems wrong. It's making the world a worse place.
@Hope Hi, I'm very sorry for my delay here, I've been pretty caught up with other things and forgot about this.
Thank you so much for this post, Hope. I think this is a very common distortion, for me at least, and can cause a lot of disappointment when the change we are looking for doesn't come around.
Reflecting on a time when I expected someone to change, oftentimes I expect my parents to change. If only my mother would be more comforting, loving and yell at me less, i wouldn't have to go through all the i go through in my head. If only my mother would stop commenting on my and other people's bodies, i wouldn't judge myself or other people for the way I or they look. (Sorry, but I'm guilty of that.) If only my father would use his money more wisely we could be could be in a better place soon.
But then i know that these changes aren't going to happen, and there's no use of expecting them. My mother's not going to suddenly become more loving just because i want her to me. She's going to be the way she is, that is, unless she somehow realizes what she's putting me through and decides to change. But there's nothing i can do to bring about that change.
My mother's not going to suddenly stop commenting on my or others' body. The example in the post remind me of this, but the counter thought can't be the same because I cant just spend less time with my mother. I've tried to tell her that i dont like it but it's incredibly disappointing when she'll say "I'm just saying". It's very saddening to see how much those comments have harmed me by making me hate my body. But ultimately, i realise that she'll not change and I'll just have to ignore the comments and stop judging myself or others.
My father's not suddenly going to start spending his money more wisely. Telling him won't help it because it's easier said than done. I'll just have to put up with what he does.
Often i wish the school would change. I wish it would stop putting so much pressure on us, make us do so many projects just to display in the school exhibition, not even for marks, and click photos of us whenever they want and post it on the school's social media, make us clean up the art room and put things away properly. I really hate all of this and wish it would change. But then i also know that i cant expect it to. There is nothing i or we as students can do about it. I mean we could but not by ourselves. Honestly, it's as if we are being told "if it's feasible for your parents, get homeschooled, and if it's not, either don't go to school and dont get a formal education or put up with however the school is treating you." The school isn't going to change for me, so i have to put up with all this, sadly.
That example about memorisation reminds me of something. We have this teacher who, at the beginning of every class, used to ask all the students who haven't done their hw to stand up and remain standing and finish the hw for the entire class, or till when they finished the hw. I hated this very much and thought that it needed to change. Keeping kids standing and making them do hw that way means that they cant pay attention to what is being taught. Someone must have complained about this to the co-ordinator because the co-ordinator once came into the class and told the teacher to inform parents if hw isn't done instead of making students stand. After that, the teacher still continued to make students stand, but she would give us an option that our parents be informed instead. But students preferred to stand instead to having their parents get to know. One day, it just so happened that i hadn't done my hw, though i usually do it. We were all given the same option and i said that i wanted my parents to be informed instead of me having to stand. She even made fun of me, and all this made me so furious that i complained to the co-ordinator as well as my mother about what happened. My mother wrote the teacher an email. (Yes, my mother is generally unsupportive of me and yells at me often, but she does whatever is nedded to help me with school.) Now, that teacher just asks who all haven't done their hw to raise their hands once in the beginning of the class. No standing, no informing parents. So I think that in some instances, it's okay to expect someone else to change. I think what's important in this cognitive distortion is understanding when an expectation for someone to change is worthwhile, and when it's not.
@exuberantBlackberry9105
Thank you for the extensive reflection. It is very hard when the person in question is a parent or someone we live with. It is great that you can acknowledge the reality even if its an uncomfortable one.
While it is unfortunate that you have to resort to figuring out ways to shield/protect yourself rather than expecting your parents to change but it makes sense that this is what is within your circle of influence.
I can see that you have held on to the hope that things outside your control will change and its understandably your desire to just have your needs met.
I like that you shared your experience about the teacher and acknowledged that while your mother has her faults, there are times when she comes through for you. It looks like you standing up for yourself has helped others aand I can imagine how hard that must have been but you did it! Way to go
I think its okay to to do things within your reach to help inspire change. Like you took a stand with your teacher and it worked out. Sometimes it does not and thats okay. Perhaps we need to realize we are worth trying for! Even if things don't work out. As long as we accept the set backs and move on rather than dwell on the what could have been!
@Hope I guess my reflection was a bit too extensive haha! Thanks for your support, Hope, i agree it's really hard when the person in question is a parent.
But really, I'm not holding on to the hope that these things outside my control will change. I know that they wont. I'm just like "If they would change, itd be great, but it's highly unlikely that they will, so I just have to live with them and try not to let them upset me." And honesty, I'm pretty much failing at that. I mean, i dont let the school and stuff upset me, but my parents....
You're absolutely right, my mother definitely has her faults, but occasionally, she does help me. Don't think she helping me with that teacher came easily though. My mother was blaming me for the way that teacher was targeting me that day, though she didn't blame me about the homework punishment. Anyway, I'm still glad she did something about it. Thanks for understanding, it was really hard haha!
You're right! We probably should try to bring in a change if it's within our reach. But we can't try changing what's not within our reach, and neither can we expect those things to change. Thank you so much Hope. 💛
I had to give this one some thought. It's not that I expect people or situations to change. It's more like it'll never change. The way it is now is the way it will always be. I know that's not necessarily true though - on some level anyway. Maybe this isn't the same thing. Maybe - idk - it depends on the circumstances? Hopefully this makes a little sense lol - if not it's ok to ignore it 😅
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you for sharing. It does not fall under this, however, if these things are negative and causing you distress and you have just accepted the worst outcome to be the permanent state then it can be more in line with catastrophizing
@Hope Oh ok! Thank you! :)
We all have our own ways of work.. especially when they are tasks that is repeated daily, multiple times per day.. of course, we also always think our way is the best.. so, when a new employee starts working, we try and get the to follow in our footsteps, so we teach them everything we know so they can do it the same way.. But, everyone has a different working pace, and purpose in what they do.. so, despite trying to get others work the same way as us.. we cannot change how they see the purpose of their work.. As for me, it is the purpose that motivates how I work.. while many others' purpose, is that it is just a job where they earn a decent wage, enough to pay bills and raise their family..
@Hope, I'm not sure if I understood this accurately..
@Hope
I have been in situations which I thought would change or people that I thought would change. I think now I am mOre accepting of people and situations as they are because I saw that often things dont change fir us. We can only change ourselves or how we relate to things. So I guess what I would differently is find ways to dral with people and sitations as they are and do what I can to change things and just accept what I cant
@Hope It is a "fallacy of change" if one expects other people to change in order to suit one's preferences, yes. Another way to deal with it, though, is to gain enough power such that you can decree & impose your ideas of what is better on society at large. At that point it is no longer a fallacy...it is the law. For most of history that has been an essential part of how governments work; it's still true today in certain parts of the world.
@Hope
- Let's reflect on a time when we expected something/someone to change. How did that end up working out?
one of my friends to be more like me so we can be besties - What would you have done differently if you knew about this fallacy?
just try to enjoy the moment instead of changing her
