How to Use the Steel Man Technique
A big part of life is problem solving. Problems can create relationship challenges. This is true in romantic, parenting, friendship and work relationships. We say the “problem is the path” because new problems are constant (they just keep happening!) and the path naturally unfolds as you solve them. The key skill is to try to get as good as possible at solving them.
7 Cups is one giant community wide problem solving exercise. Together, we have solved tens of thousands of problems. That is largely why 7 Cups looks the way that it does. Each feature you see is likely the result of a problem being solved. And our ability to problem solve together and more effectively accelerates year over year, which means we tend to make more progress with each new year.
I’ve spent a lot of time trying to think about the best way to solve problems. Not just at work, but in other relationships as well. Here are some things that have helped me out. I share them with you today with the hope that you find them useful. Please also share any ideas that have helped you as well!
Use the Steel Man technique - this one is a little challenging. Let’s say we have a disagreement. I would imagine I’m you - like really step into your shoes or try to see the world through your eyes. Then, I would make the argument you are making towards myself. If I can, then I will even try to make it stronger.
The Steel Man technique can help you gain deeper understanding during disagreements, which helps turn communication challenges into productive discussions. Steelmanning involves identifying potential shortcomings in the initial argument by evaluating the strongest points a person might be putting forward. This way, you can use trust and empathy to present their argument alongside your additional thoughts. It's about understanding, not winning!
Examples:
Partner 1: I think we should go out tonight. It has been a while and I’d like to check out a new coffee shop.
Partner 2: I’m tired and don’t really want to go out.
Partner 1 Steel man (thinking to self…Okay, my partner doesn’t want to go out tonight because they are tired. I want to go out tonight because I have energy. If I was them, and I was tired, then what would I say to myself to convince me to not go out? I’d say something like, “I understand you want to go out. And I know it has been a couple of weeks. I’m sorry I’m so wiped out. We could try to go, but I don’t think I’d be much fun. Can we plan for next weekend and I’ll do a better job this week to make sure I have energy to go out next week?”
We can even let the other person know we are steel manning their argument and repeat it out loud to them. This usually helps them feel less defensive and like you are working hard to try to figure it out.
Understanding that being right or winning an argument isn’t ultimately all that great of a reward. Being right can feel good for a little while. However, if you are paying attention, then you quickly realize that it isn’t too terribly long until you are wrong. Maybe the other person wins the next argument. Or maybe you just see that you had the wrong assumptions in another area of life.
You can also think of how you feel when the other person is right and you are wrong. Usually that isn’t a great feeling. If we give up on being right, then we can get to the place where we can see what is correct on both sides of the argument. A lot of the time reality is complex and looking at it from different angles helps. If we have to be right, then we limit our visibility, ability to map the problem, and ultimately solve it.
Let the data show the way. Sometimes you can get in a stuck place in an argument where you feel very strong and the other person feels equally strong. In this situation, you can just say, “Okay if you are right, then we can expect X to happen. If I am right, then we can expect Y to happen. Let’s just treat each other with respect and see how it unfolds.”
Big picture - life is just incredibly complicated and we’ve got limited brains. We can only see so much. The other person arguing with us is often trying to help us see another angle or another perspective that we are missing. The need to be “right” can blind us from seeing things in a clear manner. If we give up on this need (b/c it isn’t that great of a reward), take the other person’s perspective (steel man), or let the data show the way, then we can increase our own visibility and make more progress in life.
Of the three points, which technique are you most likely to use? and why? Or, alternatively, do you have another technique you use that you can share with us?
I find the third to be so important to a healthy outlook. It pulls you out of the emotional entanglement, out of ego, and encourages objectivity. it shifts the emphasis of the "right" to the truth and lets the facts speak. being "right" is then seen as the truth. it feels more like problem-solving together.
@GlenM
Being good at solving issues connects with understanding others. What you said seems like an excellent way to build empathy. Especially when there are disagreements. Trying to view things from another person's view makes it simpler to find common ground. And then work on a solution as a team. Letting go of always needing to be correct opens the mind. It lets you explore the problem deeply. And consider different viewpoints too. Life's complexities often need that broader perspective, as you mentioned. I like the idea of letting facts guide us. It's a practical approach that shifts focus from defending positions. To observely watching results instead. By doing this, we can work through disagreements better. I agree with all of the points, but to answer your question, the technique I'd use the most is one. I think starting with it leads you to the other two steps.
@Jenna thank you for your thoughts here! and I like your idea how these all kind of blend in to one another. I think that is a fair point. when you shared that it made me think of them as like overlapping circles that you walk around when trying to problem solve. and that there are probably a few more circles too that we haven't yet touched on here. thank you for sharing!
@GlenM
What an insightful post. I agree problem is the path, obstacle is the way! Yet we are rarely taught in life how to deal with problems, a big part of problem solving is being able to effectively resolve differences.
My favourite is the second point. It took me very many years to understand that no one wins an argument, every party involved bears a loss of some kind even if you seem to have won on the surface. Wise people never start one if it can be helped and pick their battles when they find themselves stuck in one.
In general, I would like to add, pick your battles! Life is challenging and you have limited energy. Solve the problems that matter. Tackle the issues that make a difference.
@Hope thank you Hope! and great point on choosing your battles. how do you decide which one to take and which one to leave? I've not thought about specific criteria here and I think this is a strong point. thanks for helping to think through this with us!
@GlenM
By reflecting on the outcomes of the win and the probability of your winning. If nothing significant happens if I win, then its not worth the fight. It reminds me of this quote by Marcus 'You always own the option of having no opinion. There is never any need to get worked up or to trouble your soul about things you can't control. These things are not asking to be judged by you. Leave them alone.'
Life weighs a lot less when we don't fight every battle that comes our way. It reminds me of a concept I heard about long ago where the person talks about having humility when picking our battles, we need to look at the situation at hand and decide whether we are competent enough to tackle it. For example, if I have an Uncle who has not listened to his doctors again and again, is in poor shape and suffering because of his sugar addiction, I am not going to assume I am smart or capable enough to get him to stop. I would rather spend my energy educating someone who has expressed interest in being helped. Similarly, if I have a classmate who believes mental health is not important and I should be focused elsewhere and it is clear the person does not wish to change his opinion then I am not going arguing, what would be the point? I will get worked up, he won't care.
This is my criteria:
- If I win the battle, will it make any real difference or only please my ego? For example I am often met with this difference in recollection, sometimes my friend would say 'No you did not say that or no it happened like that', people's memories are not that realiable, I have often had proof of me being right but insisting on me being right would have hurt her and nothing would have come out of it other than me being right so what difference it makes if she thinks I am wrong.
- Okay fine this topic matters but is there any real indication that I stand a chance to win? If the answer is no, then I am not picking up that fight. For example alot of elders of my community are absolutely set in their ways, they do not care for mental health, this is all they have known. If I argue with them trying to prove how important it is, firstly I am not gonna get anywhere because they are not changing the beliefs they have formed in 60 years over even a 60 minute conversation, secondly, I am gonna end up feeling fed up and I should instead focus my energy on helping the many people who want support.
The above examples are more relevant for argument styles battles but same can be implemented on all sorts of battles we come across.
In general, I am not a perfect person so I will stray away from these rules and there will also be times when it is necessary to stand up for something despite having no real chance of winning that battle. But the above is a good method for tackling day to day battles that you are unsure about. The bigger battles are usually decided based on core values.
@Hope thanks for sharing and I can feel your passion for mental health here to help others! And it also seems like you've tried to persuade elders or other folks a number of times and found out that it ended up frustrating you and making less impact on them. Reminds me of the idea that sometimes people are just not ready for things (the stages of change idea) and how if we try to get someone to see something before they are ready, then it won't work. However, if we can detect when they are ready, and then help them then our efforts will be more fruitful for them (and less frustrating for us!).
Having a sense of trust helps me with this. i.e., like you, I have often really cared for folks and wanted to help them, but they are not yet ready. I now tell myself, okay, when this person is ready they'll address this issue with me or with someone else and get the help they need (it might be painful for them to get there. in AA/NA the call it "hitting bottom" for a reason). I tell myself that I'll be there when they need me. The sense of urgency then fades. Interpersonally, they might feel "hey Glen isn't trying to persuade me, he just seems to like being with me, maybe I'll ask Glen about X now." An odd human dynamic!
And thank you for sharing your criteria. I like that: Is this going to benefit me or the other person in a real way? If the fruit of it is not there - it isn't really valuable - then it isn't worth the battle. That is a very simple and effective way of looking at it!
@GlenM
That is a good way of looking at it!
thank you Glenn from the bottom of my heart for this awesome platform. This platform has given me more of a motivation to advocate for those with disabilities struggling with mental health. I just want to say thank you for being my hero.
@GlenM
What would you suggest if none of the above work.
#1 partner #2 knows the "I'm tired " is a get out of it no argument so it becomes the stand by and those future this weekend plan NEVER materialize because ... guess what they are tired then too....
#2 you are correct we may be trying to show someone another perspective but in the end just being right a lot is hollow .... but putting it aside for the sake of being right is temporary we find no one wins but that is sort of against human nature....
#3 the wait and see often leads to "I told you so" or unless we get in writing or recorded .. my sig other claims they never took the position they did ......
I am all for finding a solution and have stopped and did not argue points to be right... but unless you are dealing with a person with mutual respect and maturity these have not worked in past for myself .
@toughTiger6481 I appreciate the reality of these thoughts and questions. Relationships can definitely be challenging and there needs to be two people committed to making them work. It is hard to do, but one technique that helps is the "I feel statements." You can find a good discussion here: https://www.7cups.com/forum/relationships/CopingToolsResourcesforRelationships_1161/MasteringIStatementsforHealthierRelationships_302818/. Also, you might find John Gottman's work interesting. He provides a lot of structure that helps couples learn how to better argue. Here is a quick overview of the 4 horseman. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1o30Ps-_8is. And here is a summary of his key book: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knBJGNisJS0.
Thank you so much for the thoughtful post Glenn. i agree with 2 - it is not helpful to think who is right and who is wrong it puts one person in superiority and the other person in the inferiority position. Say for example someone’s word choice and how often they use it with you or how often you use a particular word choice “actually”, “obviously” can either leave you unbothered or feel belittled. Both parties should be willing to listen to the themes of how the content of what they say comes across - give each other space , time , chance, accountability. It’s about developing the humility to listen to the other side of the story - communication is an ongoing process . As you develop your communication skills you can view situations , people’s motivations and intentions behind what they say differently. Asking for permission before giving feedback is needed first.
I was at a shop and was really shocked and upset that the cashiers were chatting about a customer , belittling her that she apologised for overreacting . The cashier was saying “I told her it was fine” but did not mean it. it takes courage to apologise - shout out to anyone who does reflect before or after an interaction. What’s important is people learn and grow.
@GoldenRuleJG I can see that you are living up to your username! :)
Great points on the importance of language. It is easy to use words in a less gentle way when we get frustrated and upset and even more challenging to reflect after those instances. If you had a friend that was less aware of the helpfulness of these behaviors, how would you help them see that word choice and reflection can be an aid in helping them get to where they want to go?
Thats a great question - hear their side of the story and explain their motivation and intention behind what they said. Maybe to think of the times where they apologised and the emotions they felt when apologising or ask them to reflect on words they find triggering - could it be they did not find the words triggering so they felt that language was ok to use? How it feels when someone doesn’t truly forgive you? The greatest learner is time , relationship , learning about your purpose in this world, whether or not you’re accepting of help, understanding your own value, thoughts/feelings on free will.
What can work possibly could be to take the time out when your emotions are really amped - let the person know you need a bit of time alone to process and then come back if that’s a big struggle to regulate (think of the sensations - you may clench your fists , you may sigh a lot). Be forgiving of yourself and then maybe you are more likely to be forgiving of others . Everything is a journey. I’d tell them that all human beings are imperfect but works in progress .
@GlenM
How do I Steel Man this?
My wife wants to sell our house and divorce. I don't want to divorce, I want to work on things. Also, we have two sons who are 6 and 9 years old. Thank you in advance.
@ChannaBanana This is a challenging situation and a good question. It is tough to go wrong with an empathic take or perspective on things, but I also don't want to minimize the complexity of what you and your family are navigating. If your wife is willing, then a Gottman certified therapist for couples therapy could be especially helpful. I'll be thinking about you and your family 🙏.
@GlenM
My wife seems to have already made up her mind regarding divorce and selling our house. She sent me an email last night at midnight. I wrote her back and asked that we discuss all she mentioned in the email in person tonight. How am I supposed to handle this--I'd prefer to not get divorced and work on our relationship. Also, I'm scared how our son's will react if we do get divorced (they are 6 & 9 years old). Not to mention selling our house and finding a new place to live that can accommodate me and my sons. Blah, I'm depressed and feel hopeless.
@GlenM I can appreciate everything you're saying .. I really do ,, However , I've been studying humanity/ society for 35 years and not only is it Crap .. but it's only gotten and getting worse so .. doesn't matter in this day and age what " angle "/ approach you use to an argument .. grey rock / the walking Away from the argument .. is the only thing nowadays to do because there is a wave / breakout .. pandemic of narcissist like bacteria .. only those of faith understand
@SpicyOrchid8440 hey there, thanks for posting. I think there are a lot of negative things, neutral things, and positive things happening. I know sometimes it can feel hopeless and like it isn't really worth trying - like hey what kind of impact can I make or can this group make. And certainly the more challenging things that happen both personally or on a group level the more that feeling can weigh us down. I don't want to minimize any of the challenges we collectively face. There are plenty!
AND I think that being an optimist can be a rational approach. I can only speak for me personally. If I didn't think we had a good shot at figuring things out (individually, collectively etc.) then I wouldn't try and then that would be the likely outcome - we don't figure it out (this would be true for me as a person, true for my family, and true for 7 cups). However, if I believe that we can figure it out, we have a better shot at finding the path. (And, for most things, I think there are many paths to figuring things out. Sometimes they are hidden or it isn't the right time, but I think those paths exist if we persevere). And, last, again just for me, I'd much rather try to make things better even if I fail, because I think that results in a better quality of life. It makes life more meaningful for me and can result in me helping others too, which is a nice bonus!
