How to Use the Steel Man Technique
A big part of life is problem solving. Problems can create relationship challenges. This is true in romantic, parenting, friendship and work relationships. We say the “problem is the path” because new problems are constant (they just keep happening!) and the path naturally unfolds as you solve them. The key skill is to try to get as good as possible at solving them.
7 Cups is one giant community wide problem solving exercise. Together, we have solved tens of thousands of problems. That is largely why 7 Cups looks the way that it does. Each feature you see is likely the result of a problem being solved. And our ability to problem solve together and more effectively accelerates year over year, which means we tend to make more progress with each new year.
I’ve spent a lot of time trying to think about the best way to solve problems. Not just at work, but in other relationships as well. Here are some things that have helped me out. I share them with you today with the hope that you find them useful. Please also share any ideas that have helped you as well!
Use the Steel Man technique - this one is a little challenging. Let’s say we have a disagreement. I would imagine I’m you - like really step into your shoes or try to see the world through your eyes. Then, I would make the argument you are making towards myself. If I can, then I will even try to make it stronger.
The Steel Man technique can help you gain deeper understanding during disagreements, which helps turn communication challenges into productive discussions. Steelmanning involves identifying potential shortcomings in the initial argument by evaluating the strongest points a person might be putting forward. This way, you can use trust and empathy to present their argument alongside your additional thoughts. It's about understanding, not winning!
Examples:
Partner 1: I think we should go out tonight. It has been a while and I’d like to check out a new coffee shop.
Partner 2: I’m tired and don’t really want to go out.
Partner 1 Steel man (thinking to self…Okay, my partner doesn’t want to go out tonight because they are tired. I want to go out tonight because I have energy. If I was them, and I was tired, then what would I say to myself to convince me to not go out? I’d say something like, “I understand you want to go out. And I know it has been a couple of weeks. I’m sorry I’m so wiped out. We could try to go, but I don’t think I’d be much fun. Can we plan for next weekend and I’ll do a better job this week to make sure I have energy to go out next week?”
We can even let the other person know we are steel manning their argument and repeat it out loud to them. This usually helps them feel less defensive and like you are working hard to try to figure it out.
Understanding that being right or winning an argument isn’t ultimately all that great of a reward. Being right can feel good for a little while. However, if you are paying attention, then you quickly realize that it isn’t too terribly long until you are wrong. Maybe the other person wins the next argument. Or maybe you just see that you had the wrong assumptions in another area of life.
You can also think of how you feel when the other person is right and you are wrong. Usually that isn’t a great feeling. If we give up on being right, then we can get to the place where we can see what is correct on both sides of the argument. A lot of the time reality is complex and looking at it from different angles helps. If we have to be right, then we limit our visibility, ability to map the problem, and ultimately solve it.
Let the data show the way. Sometimes you can get in a stuck place in an argument where you feel very strong and the other person feels equally strong. In this situation, you can just say, “Okay if you are right, then we can expect X to happen. If I am right, then we can expect Y to happen. Let’s just treat each other with respect and see how it unfolds.”
Big picture - life is just incredibly complicated and we’ve got limited brains. We can only see so much. The other person arguing with us is often trying to help us see another angle or another perspective that we are missing. The need to be “right” can blind us from seeing things in a clear manner. If we give up on this need (b/c it isn’t that great of a reward), take the other person’s perspective (steel man), or let the data show the way, then we can increase our own visibility and make more progress in life.
Of the three points, which technique are you most likely to use? and why? Or, alternatively, do you have another technique you use that you can share with us?