realization
TRIGGER WARNING......
I'm 28 years old. I've been cutting on and off since I was 13. the longest I've ever went without self harming was a year just after high school. tonight I had a heartbreaking and disheartening realization. I realized that as much as I want to quit self harming I'm not sure I'll ever be capable of this. it feels like it's something I'll always crave. the only thing that will instantly bring me relief and allow me to feel like I'm able to breathe. I think I should tell my therepist all this but a) I dont want him to give up on me too and b) I dont know how to tell him that this is how I feel now. I want to quit self harming .... I do I just dont think it's in my wheelhouse. I've lost faith in myself .
@notmyselftoday
I can imagine how heartbreaking and painful would be thinking that you will never manage to stop SH... I want to offer you a safe hug if that is ok with you.
Your thoughts and feelings are valid, they are allowed to be there, they are informed by your past experiences. But they do not necessary reflect reality... You said something very important, and also sad... that you have lost faith in yourself... I believe that working with your therapist you can build it back. And you will see how much strenght you actually have. It is there. You surely can stop SH, you can learn better ways to cope with emotions and feelings, you deserve it.
I really know how scary can be sharing something like this with your therapist. I really know how big the fear of being abandoned in therapy can be. I also know how healing sharing this fear can be...
I do have faith in you 
@admaiorasemper thanks for the hug and thanks for the support. I told my therepist last night via private messenger room ( I use online therepy) and have yet to get even an acknowledgement to what I said in response.
@notmyselftoday
You are very welcome
Your therapist will probably reply on Monday I suppose? I also use online therapy (here) :)
maybe @admaiorasemper
Hi there @notmyselftoday, how are you feeling today?
honestly not great I've cut on 2 separate occasions today. @admaiorasemper
@notmyselftoday
I am really sorry to hear you are not feeling great... is there anything I could do for you? I am here should you wish to talk and get it off your chest.
Did your therapist reply?
he responded but simply reiterated that I need to " use my self regulation techniques or reach out to a crisis support line. " @admaiorasemper
@notmyselftoday
How does therapy with him work? I mean, is it by chat or videocalls or email? Have you discussed self-regulation techniques together?
its through betterhelp. so I get 1 live session usually video call a week. and it's supposed to be set up so I can message him in a private room whenever the need arises. however, he told me not to message him unless emergent but then sometimes when it is emergent and I do message him he then tells me things like that ussualy to call a crisis line instead of reaching out to him . so its confusing for me. like I dont know what he wants me to do. and yes we have talked about relaxation techniques and I do try to utilize them before cutting or messaging him but they usually dont help. @admaiorasemper
@notmyselftoday
I am very familiar with BH, my second therapist works with them and we have weekly videocalls.
Are you ok with your therapist not messaging you? I mean, that is a service that he should be providing and for which you are paying for... How long have you been having therapy with him?
not really but I told him I was originally because I'm no good at advocating for myself. @admaiorasemper
@notmyselftoday
I really get that, it is not always easy to defend our rights... Yyou know, therapy is actually the perfect frame where to test this kind of thing, experiment things that are extremely challenging...
You have the right to change your mind... and if you do not like the way your therapist deals with your request, you have the right to change therapist...
I dont think I can do any of that honestly @admaiorasemper
It is ok to feel this way @notmyselftoday. It takes time to leave a familiar pattern, even if it doesn't really suit us. Be patient and gentle with yourself. One step at the time can take us very far
Who knows, maybe we have the same therapist on the BH website :) Mine doesn't do messages as well, but I don't mind as I have a therapist here on 7cups as well.
I wish I could do both I simply cant afford it. @admaiorasemper
@notmyselftoday
I was thinking, how do you feel about journaling? You could have your own personal thread on this website... and maybe allow people to read it and comment if they want... Even if it is very different from an exchange with a therapist, it can be really helpful and can spark lots of reflection...
I'll consider it but how would I even do that on here? @admaiorasemper
@notmyselftoday
There is a Diary section in the General Support Community: https://www.7cups.com/forum/GeneralSupport_28/DiaryEntriesConnections_1597/
ok thank you @admaiorasemper
@notmyselftoday
You are very welcome :)
so, I reached out to my therepistagian and explained to him that I need to utilize the messaging aspect of BH and that on top of that I need to try to do a daily check in with him about my self harm issues right now. simply because I need more accountability right now. I also explained to him that telling him all this was very hard for me to do. but he hasn't responded. we will see what he says.@admaiorasemper
@notmyselftoday
That is a very big step, being able to recognise what we need and then communicate this openly. I am so proud of you, and I hope you also feel this pride!
sort of but honestly I'm scared of what hes gonna say I have an appointment with him at 3pm today so we will see @admaiorasemper
so I had my meds appointment yesterday and my dr doubled the dosage of my meds. then I had therapy and my therapist told me that I could message him daily and do the check ins but that he isn't willing to correspond daily and thinks our meeting once a week should be enough. he also wants me to start attending a local dbt group therapy but i dont know where to find one and he didnt specify. he just said he'll look into it I'm not holding my breathe though. I feel like hes giving up on me and just doesnt wanna say it. and at this rate I wouldn't blame him.
@notmyselftoday maybe try googling group therapy in your area and therapists(some list that they are running groups) I have found treament like this. I don't believe that you should be given up on.
@notmyselftoday
Hi there, I am sorry for this late reply. I am having a few though days and I am in a sort of self-care break.
I just wanted to let you know that I read your post and I haven't forgotten about you. I will get back to you as soon as I am in a better place, and I can support you as you deserve. I am proud of you for the way you're dealing with your therapist.
@notmyselftoday
Heya <3 I noticed your username- you joined the discussion! Glad to see you utilising all aspects of the site to help. Self-harm is a quick fix, a temporary fix to the pain we experience. It'll never be more than a temporary fix, like a bandaid to a bad wound. It won't heal the issue. Self-harm can be very addictive, as it releases feel-good hormones within us when we do it. It does give us instant relief, but how long does that last before the feelings come back? It'd be a good idea to tell your therapist your thoughts- no good therapist would ever give up on you. They should appreciate your thoughts, as it is your therapy session and they are there to help you heal and grow. As for how to tell it to him, tell it how you told us here! Even write it down if you don't feel able to speak it out loud.
I've been there myself, feeling like I want to quit but not feeling able to. Not sure if I should quit. But a lot of things happen, and having faith in ourselves really strengthens our resolve. Self-harm will be with us for a long time, even forever. The urges will be there, but one day, you'll be able to acknowledge it, and let it go. I believe in you and your ability to get through this tough time and these difficult thoughts. You're worth the effort, and I believe a good therapist also thinks the same of you. You're strong enough to handle this, even if you don't believe it yourself at the moment. <3