realization
TRIGGER WARNING......
I'm 28 years old. I've been cutting on and off since I was 13. the longest I've ever went without self harming was a year just after high school. tonight I had a heartbreaking and disheartening realization. I realized that as much as I want to quit self harming I'm not sure I'll ever be capable of this. it feels like it's something I'll always crave. the only thing that will instantly bring me relief and allow me to feel like I'm able to breathe. I think I should tell my therepist all this but a) I dont want him to give up on me too and b) I dont know how to tell him that this is how I feel now. I want to quit self harming .... I do I just dont think it's in my wheelhouse. I've lost faith in myself .
@notmyselftoday
I can imagine how heartbreaking and painful would be thinking that you will never manage to stop SH... I want to offer you a safe hug if that is ok with you.
Your thoughts and feelings are valid, they are allowed to be there, they are informed by your past experiences. But they do not necessary reflect reality... You said something very important, and also sad... that you have lost faith in yourself... I believe that working with your therapist you can build it back. And you will see how much strenght you actually have. It is there. You surely can stop SH, you can learn better ways to cope with emotions and feelings, you deserve it.
I really know how scary can be sharing something like this with your therapist. I really know how big the fear of being abandoned in therapy can be. I also know how healing sharing this fear can be...
I do have faith in you 
@admaiorasemper thanks for the hug and thanks for the support. I told my therepist last night via private messenger room ( I use online therepy) and have yet to get even an acknowledgement to what I said in response.
@notmyselftoday
You are very welcome
Your therapist will probably reply on Monday I suppose? I also use online therapy (here) :)
maybe @admaiorasemper
Hi there @notmyselftoday, how are you feeling today?
honestly not great I've cut on 2 separate occasions today. @admaiorasemper
@notmyselftoday
I am really sorry to hear you are not feeling great... is there anything I could do for you? I am here should you wish to talk and get it off your chest.
Did your therapist reply?
he responded but simply reiterated that I need to " use my self regulation techniques or reach out to a crisis support line. " @admaiorasemper
@notmyselftoday
How does therapy with him work? I mean, is it by chat or videocalls or email? Have you discussed self-regulation techniques together?
@notmyselftoday Hi There are open chats in trauma on Sundays. I think the moderator has experiance in SH also. Maybe we could give you more support there. She is also a listener in case that would interest you.
@notmyselftoday
Heya <3 I noticed your username- you joined the discussion! Glad to see you utilising all aspects of the site to help. Self-harm is a quick fix, a temporary fix to the pain we experience. It'll never be more than a temporary fix, like a bandaid to a bad wound. It won't heal the issue. Self-harm can be very addictive, as it releases feel-good hormones within us when we do it. It does give us instant relief, but how long does that last before the feelings come back? It'd be a good idea to tell your therapist your thoughts- no good therapist would ever give up on you. They should appreciate your thoughts, as it is your therapy session and they are there to help you heal and grow. As for how to tell it to him, tell it how you told us here! Even write it down if you don't feel able to speak it out loud.
I've been there myself, feeling like I want to quit but not feeling able to. Not sure if I should quit. But a lot of things happen, and having faith in ourselves really strengthens our resolve. Self-harm will be with us for a long time, even forever. The urges will be there, but one day, you'll be able to acknowledge it, and let it go. I believe in you and your ability to get through this tough time and these difficult thoughts. You're worth the effort, and I believe a good therapist also thinks the same of you. You're strong enough to handle this, even if you don't believe it yourself at the moment. <3