realization

@notmyselftoday I used to think that as well. I started self harming when I was 19, and honestly I thought I could never stop, that something bad would always happen. I'll admit it was hard to stop and I slipped many times before I was finally able to let go of that part of me. I was one year self harm free when a few days later I cut myself again. This time though, it was different. It no longer felt the same, it was forgein to me. As of right now, I currently am 1 year free from self harm. You can do it, I do believe you can stop. However it just might be a bumpy road along the way, but nobody ever said the road to recovery was a smooth ride.

@AutumnCarnations thanks for your support. btw I'm proud of you congrats on your recovery.

@notmyselftoday

I can imagine how heartbreaking and painful would be thinking that you will never manage to stop SH... I want to offer you a safe hug if that is ok with you.

Your thoughts and feelings are valid, they are allowed to be there, they are informed by your past experiences. But they do not necessary reflect reality... You said something very important, and also sad... that you have lost faith in yourself... I believe that working with your therapist you can build it back. And you will see how much strenght you actually have. It is there. You surely can stop SH, you can learn better ways to cope with emotions and feelings, you deserve it.

I really know how scary can be sharing something like this with your therapist. I really know how big the fear of being abandoned in therapy can be. I also know how healing sharing this fear can be...

I do have faith in you

@admaiorasemper thanks for the hug and thanks for the support. I told my therepist last night via private messenger room ( I use online therepy) and have yet to get even an acknowledgement to what I said in response.

@notmyselftoday

You are very welcome

Your therapist will probably reply on Monday I suppose? I also use online therapy (here) :)

maybe @admaiorasemper

Hi there @notmyselftoday, how are you feeling today?

honestly not great I've cut on 2 separate occasions today. @admaiorasemper

@notmyselftoday

I am really sorry to hear you are not feeling great... is there anything I could do for you? I am here should you wish to talk and get it off your chest.

Did your therapist reply?

he responded but simply reiterated that I need to " use my self regulation techniques or reach out to a crisis support line. " @admaiorasemper

@notmyselftoday

How does therapy with him work? I mean, is it by chat or videocalls or email? Have you discussed self-regulation techniques together?

its through betterhelp. so I get 1 live session usually video call a week. and it's supposed to be set up so I can message him in a private room whenever the need arises. however, he told me not to message him unless emergent but then sometimes when it is emergent and I do message him he then tells me things like that ussualy to call a crisis line instead of reaching out to him . so its confusing for me. like I dont know what he wants me to do. and yes we have talked about relaxation techniques and I do try to utilize them before cutting or messaging him but they usually dont help. @admaiorasemper

@notmyselftoday

I am very familiar with BH, my second therapist works with them and we have weekly videocalls.

Are you ok with your therapist not messaging you? I mean, that is a service that he should be providing and for which you are paying for... How long have you been having therapy with him?

not really but I told him I was originally because I'm no good at advocating for myself. @admaiorasemper

@notmyselftoday

I really get that, it is not always easy to defend our rights... Yyou know, therapy is actually the perfect frame where to test this kind of thing, experiment things that are extremely challenging...

You have the right to change your mind... and if you do not like the way your therapist deals with your request, you have the right to change therapist...

I dont think I can do any of that honestly @admaiorasemper

It is ok to feel this way @notmyselftoday. It takes time to leave a familiar pattern, even if it doesn't really suit us. Be patient and gentle with yourself. One step at the time can take us very far

Who knows, maybe we have the same therapist on the BH website :) Mine doesn't do messages as well, but I don't mind as I have a therapist here on 7cups as well.

I wish I could do both I simply cant afford it. @admaiorasemper

@notmyselftoday

I was thinking, how do you feel about journaling? You could have your own personal thread on this website... and maybe allow people to read it and comment if they want... Even if it is very different from an exchange with a therapist, it can be really helpful and can spark lots of reflection...

I'll consider it but how would I even do that on here? @admaiorasemper

@notmyselftoday

There is a Diary section in the General Support Community: https://www.7cups.com/forum/GeneralSupport_28/DiaryEntriesConnections_1597/

ok thank you @admaiorasemper

@notmyselftoday

You are very welcome :)

so, I reached out to my therepistagian and explained to him that I need to utilize the messaging aspect of BH and that on top of that I need to try to do a daily check in with him about my self harm issues right now. simply because I need more accountability right now. I also explained to him that telling him all this was very hard for me to do. but he hasn't responded. we will see what he says.@admaiorasemper

@notmyselftoday

That is a very big step, being able to recognise what we need and then communicate this openly. I am so proud of you, and I hope you also feel this pride!

sort of but honestly I'm scared of what hes gonna say I have an appointment with him at 3pm today so we will see @admaiorasemper

so I had my meds appointment yesterday and my dr doubled the dosage of my meds. then I had therapy and my therapist told me that I could message him daily and do the check ins but that he isn't willing to correspond daily and thinks our meeting once a week should be enough. he also wants me to start attending a local dbt group therapy but i dont know where to find one and he didnt specify. he just said he'll look into it I'm not holding my breathe though. I feel like hes giving up on me and just doesnt wanna say it. and at this rate I wouldn't blame him.

@notmyselftoday maybe try googling group therapy in your area and therapists(some list that they are running groups) I have found treament like this. I don't believe that you should be given up on.

I tried that with no luck on my end in my area @adventurousBranch3786

@notmyselftoday I'm sorry to hear that. I hope that the therapist will get back to you on it like he said ne would.

@notmyselftoday

Hi there, I am sorry for this late reply. I am having a few though days and I am in a sort of self-care break.

I just wanted to let you know that I read your post and I haven't forgotten about you. I will get back to you as soon as I am in a better place, and I can support you as you deserve. I am proud of you for the way you're dealing with your therapist.

hope you feel better soon

@admaiorasemper

@notmyselftoday

Thank you for that, it is very kind of you. I am already feeling much better.

How are you? A few days have passed, how are you feeling now in regard to your therapist's reply?

It seems good that he is willing to do the checkins with you daily. Perhaps it is a good starting point to see whether you actually need more (a proper daily correspondance)? You wrote you have the feeling he is giving up on you. This is a very painful feeling to have, I feel for you. Why do you think this is the case? It happened to me too a few times, it still does from time to time. I would encourage you to discuss this with him... I know how difficult it is, but it can turn out to be a very helpful and healing discussion...

I'm meh, my therepist ordered the dbt manual said he'll go over it at our next session. so I suppose him giving up on me is probably all just in my head. alot of things are. or at least that's how it feels lately. @admaiorasemper

@notmyselftoday

I think I may steal your therapist's idea and ask mine if we could do the same :)

I am really glad your therapist is supporting you. How would you feel about discussing with him the thoughts you had about him giving up on you? I think you are right when you say that many things 'happen in our head', but there is always a reason. We are triggered to think in a certain way... some situation, some people, some words simply remind us something that happened in the past... our reactions in the present are very valid, we simply have to learn to understand whether they are coming from the past or really reflecting reality... and therapy is the perfect place to learn this.

I've had the discussion with him before and he assures me hes not giving up on me but it's a reoccurring feeling i have not just with him but with most people. 2hich is why i said its probably just in my head. and the check ins were my idea. and it's also something he said i could do but that he wouldn't respond daily. then i got self conscious and decided that even though cutting is still a very real issue for me in that it's become a near daily occurence again. that maybe it's only a problem to me like maybe it's not really a real issue. I dont even know it that even makes sense . I know what I wanna say, like how I want to describe my feelings towards self harm . I know all.this in my head but then when I say it or type it it doesnt quite fit. @admaiorasemper

@notmyselftoday

If you feel it is an issue for you, it is an issue... SH is a very unhealthy thing, that can cause potentially serious damage. I personally think you are approaching it the right way.

maybe .sorry I'm just unsure of everything at the moment

@admaiorasemper

@notmyselftoday

No need to apologise for anything

@admaiorasemper I agee!