How can I restore my relationship?
About a month ago my fiancé told me she didn't really love me that way any more. She said she was tired of trying to make me love her.
I do love her, more than ever actually. The problem is that I would never show her affection. I've been doing self analysis and am seeing a therapist to work through things. I realize that growing up my parents didn't show affection to each other and that had some bad influences on me. When she would tell me how she felt I would just get defensive and shut down. I would think why can't you love me the way I am. I focused on my thoughts instead of hearing what pain I was causing her.
This experience has completely reset how I view things and all I want to do is show her how much I love her. We still live together and talk about non relationship stuff. She told me the other day that our relationship is blurry for her, but she's closer to wanting to just be friends.
I will occasionally tell her I want to kiss her (she doesn't want that right now) and she said that she feels like I'm pressuring her. I tried to explain I'm not trying to pressure her, but this is the only way I know how to show her my level of affection right now. I also try to hug her every day and tell her I love her when I go to bed each night. She doesn't say it back, but hasn't said that bothers her.
I asked her if she would go on a date with me and she said she had to think about it.
I want to show her I've changed how I think about things and I'm committed to changing and make this relationship work. I don't want to push her further away in the process though. I feel like every choice I make could be the wrong one, but doing nothing isn't going to work either. I'd be willing to give her any amount of time she needs if I just knew we would get another chance in the end.
@ihaveasoulmate
I hope you find a way sounds like you have made progress in what went wrong.....how long was she talking to you and waiting? because this is not going to snap back in a weekend etc....
Honestly i am in a bit of that i waited and waited for my partner to wake the heck up ..... but now too little too late.............
at a certain point romantic feelings can fade........ and they are not something i know how to turn back on.... there is underlying anger and if i could shake that perhaps it would help ...........
i think a big gesture is needed. he is trying to kiss me or hug me and frankly i just want to punch him in the face .... because an oops i am back on board is not enough.
Maybe she just needs more attention and affection from
you . For it matters a lot . I want to feel like i am appreciated and loved not because i told u so but because i can feel it genuinly and sincerely . Do not try . Act naturally . Follow ur heart and just let it be .
She absolutely did. I'm giving her more attention now and things feel good when I do. I'm not sure how to show her more affection right now because she doesn't want most of my affection now. I do give her hugs and that is OK. I tell her she's important to me. I want to tell her she's sexy, but I'm afraid she would think that was pressuring her.
Hi, maybe you can try to give her some mini surprise on a weekly basis. This allow couple to feel encouraged. It's nice that you were able to see what you have don't to hurt her. Maybe if you could, try doing what she would do to you when she is upset? I hope my ex would also do that for me. But we ended on good terms as we felt like this relationship will not last long and the way we express is different.
I would recommend trying to find out what her "Love Language" is. There's 5 Love Languages: Words of Affirmations, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Quality Time, & Gifts.
Both you and her should try this quiz: https://5lovelanguages.com/
Everyone is a bit different on how they like to show & receive love.
Figure out what her Love language is and go for that.
There's also the 5 Apology Languages: https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes
You can also try couples counseling to attempt to salvage the relationship. If you've done your best and still getting a lukewarm response... It may be best to let go (BUT try everything you can first!)
Just wanted to mention I was the same was as you in terms of affection... My parents hardly ever showed affection towards one another and...they were always arguing. They didn't show me affection either as a kid, so I grew up HATING hugs & kisses from relatives.
This carried over to my first relationship at first.
I showed my love by doing things for people or giving gifts, because that's all I knew...
Though funnily, those are closer to the bottom for my love language, I HATE gifts... Because my dad would get something just to throw it in my face later.
My top love language was Spending Quality Time with a loved one.
@ImpudentIncognito Unfortunately she isn't open to couples counseling right now. I don't even think I can get her to take this love language quiz. I'm going to try both of them out though.
I'm hoping with time she'll be open to giving me another chance and I think I'm more equipped now to showing her affection.
@ihaveasoulmate
Good Evening Ihaveasoulmate,
I’m so sorry you’re going through so much right now, it must have been really hard to hear from your fiancé that she doesn’t love you that way anymore. Feeling fear about pushing the person you love away further when they already seem like they’re pulling away is completely natural, and I have experienced similar situations in my past relationships so I can definitely relate to how tough that can be. It sounds like you love your fiancé very much, and that you are doing everything within your power to show her that love while also taking into account her feelings. I hope that all of your efforts lead to the best possible outcome. In the meantime if you ever need someone who will just listen compassionately, feel free to reach out to me and we can set up a time to talk.
Sincerely,
gratefulcompanion
@ihaveasoulmate Have you tried talking to her about what you could do to show her you love her? Communication goes a long way in a relationship, we aren't mind readers. Sometimes all it takes is for a loved one to give their partner advice on how to love them. Little things add up and if both sides aren't transparent it starts to turn into resentment. I listen to podcasts in the car driving to/from work and jordan peterson has alot of helpful ones on the subject of relationships if you have the time to look through them. One that i have be referring to recently is #307 (https://youtu.be/B_373YVlnDA) The whole thing is good, but there's timestamps on the video about the different topics they discuss if you want specifics. I like the 1hr 6min mark and beyond where they start talking about the advantages of listening to your partner, trying more to understand them as a person. Goodluck and i wish you the best. ;)
@Clayton7 I've realized that I was trying to rush things back together and she isn't ready for that. She's not really open to talking about the relationship right now, so I'm going to wait until she is. She hasn't closed the door on a relationship, but for now she just wants to be friends. She still wants to do things with me so for now I'm focusing on just being her best friend again and working on the issues that I have and seeing a therapist. I understand where she is coming from and I can't blame her or be upset for how she feels even though I'm hurting now. I hurt her before.
I don't know if I'll ever get another chance, but for now I'm mostly feeling good that I'm doing the most that I can and all the things I did wrong are in the past and I can no longer control them. I still have bad moments, but I'm starting to get better at preventing a complete downward spiral.
@ihaveasoulmate
I'm sorry to hear you're going through this, and think it's great that you have started to seek help. I do understand that you worry it may be too little too late, and it might be.
First I think you need to ask her her boundaries and respect those. Let her know you want to try and do better but you understand you really hurt her and that you respect where she's at and you're hoping to be able to repair things.
I also know it helps me with tough topics to write a letter or an email. Then I can think about what I want to say and not just react, and the person receiving it can also take their time to respond - and again I can take my time to respond to that, especially if it contains things that hurt or upset me.
I would also see if she and your counselor are willing to do a group session, if you're also comfortable with that. It may show her how seriously you're taking this and your progress, and it can help to have a mediator. You could also talk to your counselor before the session to get feedback on what you want to say, what is appropriate, ect.
I would just stress you need to respect her boundaries. It may feel like no big deal to say you want to kiss her but she's mentioned that makes her feel pressured. You can tell her that you will respect her boundaries because ultimately you care and want her to be comfortable. That could be a good starting building block to rebuild.
However again, you can't control how she feels and you may also want to prepare yourself and have a plan if she says it's over to make sure if you handle it hard you have the tools in place to help you manage your feelings.
Best of luck to you <3
@Smrtbibliophile thanks for your reply. I really struggled initially and was focused on how I was feeling and I don't think I really considered her feelings like I thought I was. I have since backed off and am trying to do better by her even though it really hurts me. I asked initially if she would consider counseling and she said no. It's been a couple months, so maybe she could have changed her mind. I'm changing therapists to one that specializes in relationships because I feel like my last therapist wasn't really helping me get better. I'm trying to accept what I can control, but the emotional pain is difficult to deal with.
@ihaveasoulmate
I am very glad you recognize your last counselor wasn't helping you. It's important to communicate to clinicians how we would like therapy to go and see what requests they can meet (the C-NIP comes to mind, I don't know if you heard of it).
I do understand the emotional pain it is really hard and unfortunately just takes time for it to lessen. Please continue to update and feel free to reach out to me if you need to talk :) Be gentle with yourself it sounds like you're really trying and even if it doesn't work for this relationship it's a lesson (albeit a painful one) and looks like you're growing and will be better set up for the next one.
@ihaveasoulmate
It sounds like you're going through a tough time and are making some important realizations about yourself and your relationship with your fiancé. It's great that you're seeking therapy and doing self-analysis to work through your issues with showing affection.
However, it's important to also respect your fiancé's boundaries and feelings. It sounds like she's feeling confused and unsure about the relationship, and it's possible that your efforts to show affection could be interpreted as pressuring her.
Instead of pushing for physical affection or a date, it might be more helpful to focus on building trust and communication with your fiancé. Let her know that you're committed to making changes, but also respect her need for space and time to think about the relationship.
You could also consider couples therapy to work through your issues together and build a stronger foundation for your relationship. Ultimately, it's up to your fiancé whether she wants to give the relationship another chance, so it's important to be patient and respect her decision.
