A place for Vase and Berry

@bestVase7265 hey. i went to bed at 12:20 am yesterday hehe. very early compared to my usual time. but yeah, the weather's nice, cold, rainy and it makes me wanna sleep more. i woke up at 8 this morning by the way because i didn't go to school in spite of this, i am so so tired today. i woke up feeling quite but very soon i realised that i am still really tired. yes, i realise that one night of more sleep wont change much, but i did hope to feel a little less tired today. i've been sleeping a little bit here and there all day today and it makes me feel horrible. also not been studying much just sitting and doing nothing or sleeping or watching youtube. i've honestly done very little homework today. it's close to nothing. i feel like i never get much homework or studying done on saturdays, i am just so tired from the whole week of school. sundays are generally a bit better in comparison. so maybe i'll get all of my work done tomorrow and start studying too. for today though, i know i wont be able to get anything much done so i'll just cups. it's better than the other stuff, you know. at least i'm doing something useful. and i'm doing something, not just sitting idle. i will try to respond to as much as i can today before 11 pm.

(responding to rest of your message from 4th july)

yeah i think you're right that the english teacher's interpretation of the poem isn't the only one. it quite is up to the reader to interpret it. and looking at it my way, it isn't that bad but i certainly don't like it either. you know when you hear out someone else's interpretation first it's kinda hard to form your own after that without letting that one affect you. hmm not giving up makes me strong? even if i feel like giving up all the time?

by the way, speaking of the english teacher, you know what? i quite started to like her as a teacher because when she's in a good mood, she's pretty friendly, she loves telling us stories that i really like listening to, and despite being older than most of the other teachers, she doesn't sound old and boring and monotonous. she also teaches fairly well when she is in a good mood. when she's in a bad mood, she teaches horribly. but i still liked her. lately, a lot of stuff from the english teacher has been hurtful.

and you know, when someone you like or someone who's closer to you says something not so nice, it hurts more than hearing the same thing from someone you don't like. for instance, when my parents criticise me and let's say call me 'mad' it hurts so much. but a few days ago my bench partner called me 'mad' because of a silly moment i had, but him saying that didn't affect me at all even though he yelled out "she is mad" in front of the whole class, i ignored it and let it go. but that's not something i can do if my parents call me mad. even if it's just my parents and me who heard it. i'm going off topic, but you get the point right?

so in wednesday's english class we were starting this new chapter and in order to introduce it, she started talking about parents because the chapter is about a little girl and her relationship with her parents (mostly father and how it changed when the girl's mother got sick). the teacher started off by asking us how many of us saw our parents a unapproachable, either one or both of them. i believe a few people raised their hands, but i don't really know because i cant see much of what other kids do because i sit on the first bench. then the teacher went on taking about how this might be the case for most people even if we don't talk about it. because parents are busy with work and tired and stuff. she says that with women stepping out to work most kids come home to nobody at home and she talked about the usual routine of most kids these days (which is very different from mine because i don't go to any classes or tuitions whatsoever) and most parents. all of this was quite okay to listen to even though for my family things are really different.

but then she went on to talk about how we should understand our parents because apparently they do what they think is right in the moment. how we should understand them, love them, see things from their point of view, and so on. how we should never hold anything against our parents. how can i do all this? okay, i can try to understand my parents and put myself in their shoes sometimes, and try to see what they are going though and how it affects their behaviour towards me. maybe it makes me a little more forgiving towards them about some things, but it doesn't make me love them. that feels impossible. also, how can i not hold things against them? some of the things they tell me never leave my mind no matter what. i cant make it stop affecting my attitude towards them how and it cant trust them. also, do they truly always do what they think is right in the moment? you mean they think yelling at me and calling me stuff is the right thing to do even for a moment? if i know that they do it out of frustration over their lives and struggles, i can at least forgive them to some extent. if i have to believe that they think it's the right thing to do then i will never forgive them and i will always hate them. what's going on, vase? is this english teacher right? or is she just thinking of her personal experiences and generalising it for all parents? please help.

the teacher also told us that we shouldn't rely on friends too much because they arent mature enough to understand everything and that friends advice can lead us to do wrong things. that we should always reach out to our parents for advice because they have been through the same things that we have gone through and they are more experienced. she says that we should have our parents as a confidant and not out friends even though at this age we spend more time with friends than with parents. 

but i am questioning everything she said. have our parents really gone through what we are going through? even if they did, they might have gone through it years ago and things were different back then and they don't truly understand how things are now. and if they have gone through it recently they will think that we're too young to go through it too, isn't it? my father's struggled with depression, but would he ever understand my depression? no! i'm too young for that and i have nothing to be depressed about. also, sometimes advice isn't what we need we need someone to just listen and be there. also, how could i ever confide in my parents if i don't trust them and i know what i tell them rarely ever stays between me and them. they go on and share a lot of things i tell them with other people. my mother does it on the phone a lot if she's talking to a relative or friend of hers or something. she does it even if she knows i can hear what she's saying on the phone. so i don't really say much anymore.

i understand about her saying that friends can give wrong advice in many cases. but for me i have only one 'friend' and i don't trust her at all and am very careful with that i tell her, we only talk about school stuff mostly and i don't take advice from her. but what about my friends on cups? i don't think there's anything wrong with replying on them. i believe they are quite mature and experienced, especially you, you're experienced with so much. i trust you and others on here. anything wrong with relying on people here?

okay, enough of talking about the english teacher and related stuff. i am going to go back to your message now and reply to a little more before i go to bed. it's past 11 pm but i can be here for 30 mins more i think and then plan out studying for tomorrow and go to bed.

hmm you are confident that i will make it and find something i wanna do? then why did you get so worried when i started talking about suicidal thoughts? they have always been there and probably will always be, but i am trying not to talk about it too much because i don't want to worry you and also i might not really do it even though i feel like i wanna do it a lot sometimes. but i have something that i cant leave behind so i'm staying. as for finding what i want to do, i was thinking maybe instead of not answering her question, how about i say "maybe (something)"? like "maybe teacher"? it would make her ask it less if she gets some form of an answer and will she really ever come to check if i really become a teacher or not? or if i she does i can make it seem like i changed my wish. yes, my friend annoys me a lot sometimes but i cant just refuse to sit near her or tell her that her comments hurt. i need to do whatever it takes to keep her happy because i don't want her to leave me again like she left me before. i don't have any other person to talk to in school so i need to be on good terms with her so she doesn't get mad at me and stop talking to me and helping me. i need her and thus need to put up with her annoying behaviour sometimes.

umm talking about books lately i just take something random when we have to issue books from the library but i don't read it. normally i would read it on the bus but lately i just sleep on the bus so i cant read. also to actually be able to fish a story i need the book with me for at least a month or so because i only read it in the bus in the middle of a lot of distractions and cant reach much that way. and lately the school doesn't let us reissue a book more than two times so we can have it with us for a max of 3 weeks which is not enough so i feel like there's no point in reading when i wont be able to finish and will have to return an unfinished book and have to take someone new. also the school takes back all issued books 2 weeks before any kind of exams or school breaks. none of this makes sense. at this point i don't understand the point of library class and making everyone issue something every week even if they wont read it. plus we have to sit roll number wise in the library and the roll numbers near me are all a bunch of talkative boys so i cant read much there either. it was nice when we could sit anyhow with out friends and stuff.

oh that time management advice - i would never admit to finding it overwhelming. in school i look like a student who manages all homework and everything well even though i really don't. i would never tell someone that it's overwhelming and not helpful though. hmm yeah, i try to see each bit of homework done as a victory but it's really hard. like if i wrote one tiny paragraph of a story i have to write it feels like nothing. or if i solved just one maths question when i have so many to solve feels like nothing. also know that all i did today was one maths question. when i had planned to finish some english, biology and as at least 15 maths questions somewhere. i just hope i can do it all tomorrow but for tomorrow i'll have to plan for at least 30 maths questions lol i have *so* much to do. i dunno if i am enough or not, i don't feel like i am, but am not doing enough. exams start in just about a week and i haven't even started studying and some of my notebooks are still incomplete and i have maths worksheets to solve. and i am just doing timepass and doing nothing. i am not doing enough at all. there is no way i am.

hey even if my level of being suicidal increases i will never tell my mother or someone else. (by the way who do you really mean by someone else?) that level keeps going up and down but it is always there to some extent. i can deal with it myself, that's all i can do. and i probably will mange by myself and help on cups. anyway, from some other messages you know that it isn't that bad but i just talked about it more unlike every before. so it's okay, i'm managing. what do you mean by "crisis point though"?

although i do not wish to discuss this topic much more i wanna a few things. why would the world really need me? i know only one person who really needs me. who are the people who would be devastated by my absence? i'm not saying nobody would be devastated, but i wanna know who those people will be, even if i am not giving up on life and i'm holding on.

i am sorry i have been so repetitive there. you're always allowed to not read my messages though. you don't have to read if you don't want. but well, if you say that i will stay stuck unless i ask for help, that doesn't sound fun. so i wont ask for help and you know that. you know i kinda tried telling my mother but she didn't understand. and i simply cannot bring it up more or ask for help in any way. so will i always stay stuck?

in response to your suggestions:

@bestVase7265 hi. i will try to respond to the rest today hehe. i dont think i can start my message with a good moment for today because it's just 5:24 pm right now  (i am not typing all of post in one go but a little bit here and there) and i have had quite a bad day with a lot of stuff happening and i'm stressed and overwhelmed. i cant recall any good moments so far and i already mentioned yesterday's good moment last night. if i find something good happening today i will include it at the end of this post. please forgive me if this is disappointing.

i am sorry i gave you so much to digest. i am really sorry. you didn't have to respond to it all in one day though. it's okay if you need time. i will try to keep this post short though. but again, i might fail.

i know you want me to start with the good but it's hard because it usually comes later in the day. if you insist though, maybe i can try typing out everything and when i am done, i can come back to the top and put in something good. would you want me to do that?

ooh a rainstorm sounds nice. it's been raining here quite a lot lately but sadly no rain today. when it rains i like to open all the windows and stuff though because i want to feel the cold. i love it. just that sometimes if i start feeling really cold i go wear a sweater and sit at my table cross legged.

yeah i agree that my mother is doing the wrong thing by yelling at me. what do you mean by "She is wrong and you will prove her wrong." though?

i am glad your trip went fine, that's good to hear. caring for your cousin seems though but i'm happy to hear that overall it went well.

i sure am trying with sleep an studying. but it isnt exactly going great. especially with sleep. last night i went to bed at 1 am which feels quite okay for me but today morning i woke up ultra tired and have been very sleepy. i dont think i am getting good quality sleep even if i am trying to sleep more. i think not sleeping well has become a problem since wednesday. and i dont know what to do about this. for wedneaday yeah it was literally one of the most terrible days ever and so much bad stuff happened and when i went to bed i spent a whole lot of time just crying so it's not surprising that i didn't sleep well. for thursday night it makes sense too because a huge part of the day was bad though it eventually got sorted out. but friday night onwards i dont understand why i cant sleep well.

studying, yeah, i'm trying... getting really worried about exams you know. i dont know if the horrible way in which i study before exams will help me in 9th grade now. i'm first trying to work on completing my maths notebooks. and i'm being quite lazy about it today.

you're right. nobody really is perfect. i try to focus on the kind moments of others but it's really hard sometimes when it gets covered up with the unkind ones. the bad ones love to stick around in our brains you know.

i think you're right about my mother. but then i dont know how to not live in her words and not hate her when she hurts me so much....

i would not end up getting fairly close to the english teacher. i am not gonna do that and talk to her to have my mistakes (pronunciation errors mostly) pointed out all the time. i know she has good intentions when she corrects tiny mistakes of ours and i think she's right when she says "if i dont correct you, nobody else will because nobody cares and you will just end up speaking wrong english all your lives." but the problem is, she sometimes she does it too much and in front of the whole class and she raises her voice a lot while correcting people and to me sounds harsh when doing it. so i am quite scared of her and avoid speaking to her much.

and let's say if i did get fairly close to her, i would never ask for advice on what to do if parents our abusive and tell us that we're a horrible child who will end up on the streets. she will not have advice on that front. to have advice on some situation, you need to believe that situation can happen for real. and she does not believe that.

she very clearly told us "every parent loves their child and wants the best for them. parents want their children to have a good future. they always do what feels right to them in the moment. sometimes they make mistakes because they and their children think differently and also, parenting very came in a book. they learn from their mistakes. but please remember that they are doing what feels right, so never hold anything against your parents. be a little more understanding and loving towards them and try to understand their perspective."

abusive parents - i dont think she thinks such parents exist or if she does think they exist, surely she would associate that with a whole different world altogether, not as parents of kids in our school. also i would never even use that phrase anywhere. i dont want anyone around me to see my parents in that negative light that the phrase would bring along. and of course nobody would believe that my mother could call me a horrible child because clearly i dont look like one in the eyes of teachers in comparison to other children. and who would ever believe that a parent could tell their child that they will end up on the streets? very few people would actually believe that. but almost no one would believe that my parents could say that to me.

even i dont believe it. what on earth have i done to make her say that? its not like i spend my money thoughtlessly or anything like my father spends his money. i get pocket money every month and i use it only to buy my stationery. i dont spend it on unnecessary stuff like chocolates and ice cream and chips like other children do. so i have most of it saved up with me. my mother says that my awful behaviour will make end up like that. but what is so wrong with my behaviour? i still try my best with that. i dont know how other children behave with their parents but in school at least most of their behaviour is worse than mine. 

sometimes she will say that it is because of my selfishness and sense of entitlement. and that makes me feel so horrible. why am i so selfish? why do i really want my own room and stuff? even a bathroom that only i use, that is just not required you know. i should consider myself privilaged to have all this but instead i am just upset about how i cant close my door and stuff. by the way, this is probably irrelevant here but i want to say something. my mother wont let me refer to the room i stay in most of the time as "my room". does this make sense to you? why do you think my mother wont let my call it mine and i have to refer to it as "that room" instead? i really need to know. my mother gives me nonsensical answers if i ask her.

okay, got it about the crisis. thanks for letting me know. so i assume it doesn't count as a crisis if i know my options but dont really have a plan yet. anyway, then i thinks cups definitely gets it wrong about not letting us send crisis messages because it takes an "i want to d!e" as that kinda want wont let us send if we spell it as d-i-e. and that doesn't necessarily mean we have a plan.

yeah short term stuff to live for help. but right now i cant find any. i cant take it as my mother's birthday sadly. it reminds me of having lots of work to do and hearing sad stuff. i am also unsure of what to do for my mother's birthday....

umm i think i am good with cups. i did search a bit about that and i found the youtube channel. you mean to ask me to sit and read the captions or something?

hmm so you're asking me to vent less? does that mean i cant vent about my bad day today? i dont want to take risks and do it and annoy you by doing something you dont want me to and that directly affects you so i'll keep my feelings to myself for now at least. but i do want to know why venting would make things worse? umm physical actions, are you trying to tell me to do those things?

thank you for still spending time reading and answering me when i've been writing so much. i'm sorry. i just want to ask one thing before i stop for today. what do i do about the hair pulling? for arm hair especially. also lately i have been doing awful with my eyebrows and lashes and i feel so ashamed about it. i dont know how to stop.

okay so for the good moment for today, i saw a cat that had climbed up on the terrace of one of the row houses in front of our building. i dont know if it was a stray or pet cat but if it was a stay one that's impressive that it got on the terrace of a two storey row house. also my mother was explaining the history chapter to me. this is the first time in months that she sat with me for explanation for other than maths stuff. and it can be fairly nice if her mood's okay. we can talk and discuss a lot of stuff and i understand better. i like it when she explains any subject but maths.

anyway a lot of stuff happened today that makes me feel like garbage. also have hardly done any homework. and i'm feeling very uncomfortable and tense right now and also am very overwhelmed. it's not just about homework and exams but something else too that i am supposed to be happy about but and very upset about. but i dont think i should vent more than this so i'll keep it to myself.

sadly i might not be able to reply here again before exams. (or i might come here a lot if i just cant get myself to study, i'll hop on cups instead of watching youtube.) see you soon. 🤍🤍

Ok. I am home pretty late tonight so I am not going to have much time (about a half hour) to respond to all of this.

Remember that I am asking you to always start your message with that moment of connection with your senses or something positive that happened. Start there, don't just do it somewhere in the middle or the end. We are trying to retrain your brain. Yes it is quite a victory that you are doing it at all and I praise you for that. But see what happens if you start there. I think that could help you even faster. It doesn't have to be something that has happened that day. Think about it in terms of the previous 24 hours. 

I am so glad that you got a laugh over the custard powder. That is quite a funny story. Custard sounds like it would be absolutely lovely. 

My moment today was the grit and sand from a very hot visit to the beach to see my son working. He is guarding some bird nests for the summer, Even though it was really warm it was quite refreshing after a breeze started to come in after a few hours.

Depression is going to make you tired even if occasionally you get a good night sleep. When your brain chemicals are messed up it physically drains your body. Some medication would really help with the sleep. It is the only reason that I still take meds.

Venting here versus venting multiple places is just fine. It isn't the amount that you are making me read at all. It is kind of starting to figure out how to condense a longer paper into a shorter one. As I said in my message, it is about creating healing for you. When you vent for just a little it is great to get it out of your head. When you vent for really long then you risk spiraling. Think a little more about actions that you can take in addition to just typing here. Little activities that you can do to relieve tension like puzzles or coloring.  Do that instead of quite so much writing down everything. It will help you calm the negativity in your brain. I know it doesn't make much sense and you don't entirely believe me. I didn't either when I was writing a ton. But my therapist was right - over venting made things worse.

I have read one novel that I enjoyed about spies in Los Angeles during World War II and I have started another one that is more of a fantasy novel. That one is not quite as enjoyable because I somehow chose book 6 in the series and I don't know what happened in the first five books. I teach my first class on August 9th but I start training the week before that.

Yes, I do understand that your mother totally misunderstands mental illness in both your father and you and that she isn't a very good ally. Your father may eventually be a better one. My only other hope is that your mom eventually acts on her impression that you seeing a psychiatrist might be a good idea because of your dad's illness. Ultimately it won't matter why she thinks she is sending you to see someone. What matters is what you do with that experience in terms of being brutally honest with the doctor about how you are feeling. Then she will be forced to see because the doctor will be able to explain things to her better.

But, you may have to wait a bit for help until you are older and can do those things on your own. You are surviving right now and I can see how hard you try. That is a good thing. I am so glad that you feel as though you are getting some things done. That is progress.

Depression doesn't make you lazy. It makes things around you hazy and makes it as though you have thick mud around your ankles that you can't walk through. Thus you have to walk slower and everything takes more effort. That is why you are a warrior, not lazy. 

We can't tell right now the great things that you can do when you are older, but it is why you need to stick around and find out. I think much of it has to do with kindness and empathy which I can tell that you have a good amount of from how you analyze the people around you. You look and find the good in them (not your parents, other people). That means you can help others which means you are needed on earth. Do you not see how much you have helped your seat mate just by being willing to sit by him without complaining? He isn't used to such kindness and that caring helps him.

I know that your mom is too selfish at the moment to see your pain and that she is causing you pain. But the great thing about all humans is that they can wake up just a bit different the next day. So your mom might be more kind tomorrow. I am not asking you to trust her or give her more chances at this point. I am just saying that you can have hope that she always has the possibility of being different.

Ok that is all I can get to tonight. I am basically at the bottom of the first message. @exuberantBlackberry9105

hey. a lot of stuff happened. i think i want to talk about it. i feel most comfy venting here. i hope it's okay. i dont wanna be a burden. you can ignore this.

i'll start with the good because i dont want to disappoint you. so i could laugh a bit during lunch today as my father shared some funny, silly little incidents. like how be absent mindedly left the house earlier today without putting on shoes. and it brought up a lot many funny incidents too. so yeah that's it.

a whole lot of things have happened since yesterday. so first off, i felt horrible for most of yesterday as i had slept just 6 hrs and that too very bad sleep. i was so tired and sleepy that for most of the morning i could do nothing at all. after lunch i did a tiny bit if maths because i have a lot of maths work to do till friday. then started with sst at around 3:30. still i couldnt really study well. my mind was somewhere else.

then later on my mother was explaining the political science chapter to me and it was nice actually. but thats all of studying for pol science that happened. i never read the chapter myself. and after that my mother was explaining the economics chapter to me. during that discussion i was trying to ask something and i wasnt able to ask it well so it took some time for my mother to get me. she told me that i cant say things clearly these days. i asked her if i could earlier and she said yes.

vase, is it true? you've known me for a long time. can i not say things clearly and briefly these days? like you know lately i cant keep things short and i am wrtiting too much. is my mother right too? why is this happening? what's wrong with me? is it because of how messed up my mind is right now? or is something else just wrong with me?

anyway yeah, all that happened and i did something i absolutely regret but i wont do it again so i guess it's okay. i went to bed at 1:30 am. by then i had read the chapter for history, looked over the textbook for economics, and not even touched geography. for political science my mother's explanation was all.

and i was feeling absolutely horribly terrible all that while as i tried to study after dinner and also as i went to bed. there was so much on my mind. especially about how i look. i am truly looking so bad. all the things i once liked about my body i hate now.

i once loved my hair. it used to look so nice. now it's all dull and shapeless and is falling out so much. my eyes are permanently tired and sleepy. my eyelashes and eyebrows... you should see them. you'd be disgusted. my skin isnt doing well obviously. it was fine for some time lately but now it is absolutely terrible. my arms are all awful looking from the hair pulling. my hands are dry and dull. i dont know what's wrong with my nails either, they used to be nice, now they arent. my legs i have always hated. i hate them even more now. my height, i thought i was quite okay with it and accepting it. i am not anymore, i am not okay with my height. i look around and everyone is so much taller than me. why on earth do i have to be this short? could i not make it to 5 feet at least? just 2 or 3 inches more? i am just so ugly. uglier than anybody around me. i can see good features in everyone around me. even my mother. but not me. i am absolutely destroying my body by stressing so much and not sleeping enough every single day. and on days i sleep for an enough number of hours i dont get good quality sleep. in addition to that, i am making myself so much uglier with hair pulling. how in the world can i even do this to myself? i dont understand.

and i am talentless. everyone is good at something. i am good at nothing literally. i dont have any hobbies as such. i dont sing or dance or play any instrument or read or write or draw. i do nothing at all. what do i even do all day? where do my 24 hours go? and it's not like i study seriously either. i dont. and i dont even go to classes and stuff outside of school. it's not like i am excellent in academics either. i am good at nothing.

i dont have any recent achievements. none. last tuesday all the prize winners were called out and given notices that we have to come to school on 27th to get the certificate and stuff. and our parents have to come too. all this on a day when other kids have a holiday. anyway we were given a sheet of paper where we had to write any recent achievements expect what we are getting a prize for in school. meaning i was expected to write something other than 'highest marks in science' but yeah, that's what i wrote. i had nothing else to write. i dont participate in any other competitions or exams or sports to write about.

this makes me feel so horrible. but then i also dont like participating in extra stuff because i dont have the energy or motivation. i just do what i am forced to. that's it. i do nothing extra. and i hate myself for it.

anyway, somehow i slept last night in all that pain. today i got up at 6 and my father was to take me to school because on exam days i have to eat something before school and i cant go by bus then (i cant eat before 7 am and the bus comes at 6:55). so i started studying for geography in the morning and the chapter was very small so i finished reading it and looks over the notebook a bit for political science.

then in school everything seemed alright at first and i went to the classroom i was supposed to go in (during exams not all of us go to our usual classroom. half go in their usual classroom and half go somewhere else to sit with students os another grade.) then the teacher in the class made a huge mess of what answer sheet needs to be given to whom and stuff and that kinda chaos made me so tense and anxious. but yeah we got our papers and i started writing whatever came to my mind. the geography section was surprisingly very easy and got it done quickly. for geography we had only one tiny chapter and even with that, many questions had internal choices. for history and pol science and economics we have huge chapters and almost no internal choices. this makes no sense.

also had to borrow pens from my exam partner because i took only one pen that ran out of ink. this has never happened before. how can i make such a stupid mistake of forgetting to carry extra pens on an exam as a 9th grader? little kids can let that happen. how did i let that happen? on first day of exam too? i felt like such a horrible person and a burden bothering my exam partner like this. luckily she did not say anything about it but yeah.

i also accidentally got two question papers and didnt notice until ages later and the techer had already asked for one extra paper because of the shortage. i am so ashamed of myself. the teacher was not happy. what will she think of me?

and then my exam partner finished her paper early and asked to just read mine and i didnt say no so it was a yes and she started reading it. and then for one mcq in history she took my paper and pointed towards the correct answer seeing that i had written something wrong. i saw her doing that and realised that i had misread the question and chose the wrong answer and then i fixed that thing. but was it the right thing to do? should i not have corrected it? why did the give me the answer in the first place? yeah she's in 10th and she knows it but why tell me? nobody is supposed to do this and nobody has done this for me before so i didnt know what to do. did i do the wrong thing?

anyway that is it for the exam and then the bus ride home was awful because someone vomited and it was horrible to watch and made me feel absolutely horrible. (i cant bear to watch or hear someone vomit or see the vomit. it makes me feel sick. and i had to do all of that today and it was awful.) also sitting in the bus i realised i started my period. why does it have to come during exams? just why?

then at home i didnt even shower properly today because the water was too cold and i didnt like it. i felt ao horrible afterwards that i just sat in my room without opening the door after showering and i sat for an hour or so doing timepass. then lunch and then my parents left the my father's psychiatrist appointment and my mother had to go along because he's really not doing well and having some problems from his medicines. so i was home alone from 2:45 pm to 4:45 pm. and i felt so awful and suicidal and i lay in bed and tried to distract myself. and i cried a bit and wanted to cry more but couldn't. i knew i was supposed to be studing but i had no energy and decided to be in bed till my parents came home. i tried so get some sleep but and i spent 30 mins just trying to fall asleep but i couldnt. my thoughts kept me awake. i tried to sleep it off and i finally fell asleep and slept for 15 mins or so and when woke up and knew i had to study but i just lay there cupsing and dealing with suicidal thoughts.

after some time i heard my parents trying to get in but they rang the doorbell then and i went to open the door. my mother has asked me to lock the door from inside after they left but i guess i did something wrong and i locked it in a way it couldntbe opened from the outside. that's when i realised that i just missed the perfect opportunity to do what i have always wanted to do. if i had just done in then in those 2 hours, my parents wouldnt be able to get in and by the time they'd break down the door i'd be fully gone and relieved. but of course 2 hours wouldnt have been enough for letters so i dunno.

just sharing. please dont worry too much about it. dont ask me to tell someone because i never will. dont fear me leaving earth. i am still here. and i have no purpose anyways. just sharing what happened. i am struggling a bit too much right now. today feels like the worst day of my life so far. i feel so worthless and useless and talentless and ugly and like a burden. and i'm tired.

even since my parents came i have been busy in my own thoughts and not been able to study. its past 11 pm and i havent yet really even started studying. i gotts go do something now. i can't mess us tomorrow's english exam. i have to do well in english somehow. but i'm sleepy. i'll just try to read some chapters now and some in the morning and look over the notebook a bit. and a little bit of grammar. i have no idea how i'll manage. tomorrow after the exam i have to stay back in school some some cbse exam. so i'll be in school till 1:45 pm though the main exam (school english exam) gets over at 10:15 am. the time in the middle i have to use to study for wednesday's exam (science). i am worried about it. i dunno how it'll go. i am really not doing well with sleep and i wont be able to sleep during the day tomorrow so great. i feel awful to be honest. but please dont get too scared. it's okay. you dont have to worry about some random useless person somewhere on earth. okay?

@bestVase7265 i cant reply properly right now, but some things i just want to say.

but yeah, good moment: being able to cry. a lot. i had a bit of an argument with my mother and then i came to my room and cried quite a bit and them later on i also watched something lovely that made me cry a whole lot. crying really helps. (only if am able to keep crying until i naturally stop though - if something interrupts my crying, that's awful. and also crying in bed late at night doesn't help, but yeah).

now coming to some parts of this message (i will respond properly later). so i didn't get what you said about dealing with not liking my body. positive affirmations?? i feel like i hate every part of my body at this point.

"You are a kind, good person and I can see that in your reaction to other people." what makes you think i'm kind? what makes you see me as a good person? what do you mean by "reaction to other people"?

just being good at science is not enough. and i am also not truly good at science. science includes physics, chemistry and biology. till 8th grade it was all really easy. not its getting hard, especially physics. nothing makes sense. i don't get anything. i have science exam tomorrow and i have no idea what i'll do for physics. for maths i at least have an idea of what the paper's gonna be like and i know how to practice. for physics i am totally lost. now where did my 'good in science' go??

"You don't need to have tons of things that you do even if other people are doing them." really?? why is it so? how do other people do so much stuff?

the fact that my pen ran out of ink and i didn't have multiple pens says a lot about me and my stupidity. it is common sense to carry many pens to school, especially during exams. how could i forget that?

hmm i made a mistake by sharing all of that here. i'm so sorry. i'm just really sorry. please don't worry about me so much. i don't want you to be worried about me. please don't worry. i'll manage somehow, okay? and yes, the chances of surviving it are keeping me from doing anything just yet. please don't worry so much.

i was just sharing what's going on in my mind. but now i know not to share such things again. at least not here. i have to learn to keep it to myself and deal with it myself. or find a different place to share. i think you're okay with me talking about anything but suicidal thoughts. so i'll skip those parts from now on and mention the rest. you don't need to know about it anyway. not knowing will keep you from worrying about something you don't need to worry about. but yeah maybe then i cant be completely honest here anymore. but that's okay, i just don't wanna worry you.

i do not have the courage to have my parents know all that. they are not trustworthy. i might be really stupid but i am not stupid enough to go tell something like this to them. please do not ask me again to tell them. i cant tell them. please, i beg you, stop asking me to to it.

by the way, did you have any suggestions about the hair pulling when i want to pull simply because i feel like both sides need to look similar? also, how do i deal with it all looking weird while growing? it does look funny when it grows and seeing that will make me wanna pull again. but yeah, it's 12:10 am right now and i haven't pulled any today. but i don't want to see it grow and pull again. also, what do i do when i get an itchy sensation and want to pull?

okay, i gotta go study now. i am very likely to mess up physics tomorrow but i'll focus of chemistry and biology. i guess for chem is mostly know the stuff but for bio i need to go through my notebook and textbook. i need to get some sleep i am so tired. also, i need to get to school early tomorrow because a teacher has asked me to say the thought for the day on the pa system in the assembly tomorrow. i'm really scared about it. i have to speak when the whole school can hear me. for the first time in my life. that too on an exam day. i'm very scared. i really hope i don't mess up in front of the whole school.

today i came home from school at 2 pm and then showered and stuff and been feeling sick (cramps) and spending time crying so i haven't studied much sadly. i'll go do some now and go to bed after that. last night i went at 1:15 am. by the way, we were supposed to have time to study in school today but it was so noisy that i couldn't study at all. so everything at home...

@bestVase7265 good moment today: seeing something nice in the morning that really made me feel good for a bit. the rest of this message is quite about the bad stuff though. i haven't had a very good day.

well, i have been really stressed today. not just because i have maths exam tomorrow but also because after the exam we have prize distribution (highest marks in science thing) so i'll have to stay back in school and my mother will come and all the parents of other prize winners will come and we'll get the prizes. also, so many people will be my ugly self a more than that, the school (and parents) will take pictures and videos. it makes me so worried. i really dont look good, you know. and i dont wanna look so horrible in front of so many people.

so tomorrow morning i have maths exam and my mother would want me to get ready quickly but i will have a lot if things to do. i need to get my eyebrows to look the best they possibly can. normally i need 4-5 mins to do my eyebrows but i will need more time for it tomorrow. i will also have to wear my uniform really neatly. also put on my hairband neatly and not just put it on in some kind of a rush without looking in the mirror. it will take time. i dunno how i'll manage so much.

and there's this thing of whether or not to smile during those things and if yes, how? i'm really worried about all of this. what will people think of me? and then we'll be in school till 1:30 pm tomorrow. so i wont get too much time for stuff i wanna do at home tomorrow.

i'm also worried about the maths exam. i don't feel prepared. my mother wants me in bed by 11:30 tonight and it's 10:28 right now so i don't have a lot of time. and i asked her for some help some time ago and she was quite mad at me for asking for help at night and yelled at me for not asking earlier and said "were you sleeping the whole day? sitting there in the corner doing timepass!" "i cant help you with maths at night!" she did still kinda help but i asked her to leave it after a while. i don't like feeling like that kind of a burden. and it feels awful to be told that i'm doing timepass all day. i mean i'm trying! i'm trying so much and i'm failing because i don't feel well. i'm too stressed to focus on anything and in the afternoon i was feeling so horrible with my head hurting and my body feeling awful after the scary incident that happened today. and i was feeling so sleepy while also being very anxious so i couldn't do much. but i tried. that's supposed to count, right? it doesn't seem like it does.

you know what? i try to praise myself for the work that i do do and it feels like my mother's pulling me down by reminding me of the things i didn't do and how i got an extra day to study for maths and i'm still not done with everything i needed to do and stuff. it hurts. it really hurts. i'm trying to feel better but it's not working. i better get going now and revise a little before starting to get ready for bed at 11 pm to be in bed by 11:30. i have to fix my hair too. i need it to look good tomorrow.

and if i'm not in bed by 11:30 pm today i'm dead already. my mother will use that as the reason for me not doing well in the maths exam and even if i do fine, she'll be really mad about it. she says if i don't sleep enough all the efforts she put in will go down the drain. so i better go now.