A place for Vase and Berry

@bestVase7265 hey. to talk about good moments, i think i've had quite a few of them in the last 24 hours. i dont exactly feel good, but yeah, managing. i think i'll list the good stuff hehe. first off, after coming home yesterday after the maths exam and prize distribution, my mother saw my maths question paper and we were discussing it and i realised that what i wrote was mostly correct or close to correct (at first i felt the exam went absolutely horribly because nothing made sense to me and i was falling short of time). and also, my mother wasnt mad at me for skipping one 4 marker question because i didnt know how to solve it. she told me that she's okay with me not solving questions dont understand, but what i solve i must solve properly and correctly. problem is, i dont know if the stuff i solved is actually correct, but let's leave it for now. 

my next good moment yesterday was scrubbing my bathroom floor clean. it had been so dirty with my father working there and me not being able to clean it for a week. it felt good after i was done cleaning that yucky floor. also after that and once i was done showering i took some time to just lay in bed because i was exhausted from the cleaning and left my room at like 4 pm for lunch. i thought my mother would be mad, but she didnt care because she had already had her lunch before leaving for my school for the prize distribution.

and last night i also saw something amazing on cups. it's a challenge for teens. about sleeping enough, exercising, drinking water, eating fruits and vegetables, and mental health stuff. i dunno about the rest but this might push me to try harder with sleep and exercise a bit (i havent exercised in ages). this challenge thing was there a while ago and seeing it back made me feel good.

but yeah, that's it mostly. for the rest of yesterday i just took a break from studying (with permission from my mother) and i was mostly cupsing, watching youtube, and listening to music. i had plans to clean up everything in my room but that couldn't happen because my father was working in my bathroom so i couldnt use the bathroom basin for washing the cloth i'd wipe my things in my room with. so i mostly just cleaned some of my study table after my father was done and went to bed at 12:50 am. and i cleaned the rest of my table today. all the other things i have to clean, i'll do them tomorrow after i come home.

today when i woke up i was feeling pretty good before my head started to hurt. things have been quite bad today since. my mother's sick and in bed and i had to do the dishes and fill the water this morning. had to eat lunch my father cooked, dunno about dinner yet. my head hurts every now and then and my back hurts i dont know why. it was all fine yesterday except yesterday my legs were hurting like crazy but that was better.

it's about 6:30 pm right now and i havent exactly been studying much yet so maybe i should go study a bit so i can get some sleep tonight. and i'll be cupsing a bit here and there.

for tomorrow i have a lot of things planned including washing and trimming my hair, cleaning up everything in my room that i havent cleaned yesterday and today, doing a little bit of homework and responding to all your messages that i havent responded to. the french exam gets over at 10:15 but then i'll be sitting in school doing timepass and probably feeling lonely as ever till maybe 1:15 pm because then we have another exam conducted by cbse. i should be home by 2 pm after that so i dunno if i'll have time to do all this but i'll try. most of my time is likely to go in cleaning and i probably wont do too much homework hehe. let's see.

by the way, yesterday's prize distribution went horribly but i guess i'll talk about it later. 

just thought i'd share, i came up with a list of events that need to occur before i try to die. i wrote it down and it's a horrifying long list and it'll take time for all of them to happen if they ever even do happen. for now it's helpful because i get to tell myself that i need to live till all these things happen and then i can again start to consider what to do with my life. and all of the things are about certain things happening in my room that might possibly give me some comfort and make my room feel better (like getting a new mattress, the current one absolutely sucks and my parents agree). so yeah, i gotta wait for all of them to happen and then if i still feel uncomfortable and dissatisfied i can consider giving up. so you dont need to worry about me, okay? i found something to force myself to live for. i am being honest here.

i should go now, see you later. i will respond to your messages tomorrow hehe. 🤍

Look at all the good stuff that you listed! I am quite proud of you. You recognized that okay stuff actually happened. It may not happen tomorrow, but those single moments are really a relief for your brain and everything else. Live in that moment rather than worrying about what comes next.

You did even better on the Maths than you thought which is great. Cleaning is also a wonderful accomplishment because I know it really bothers you when things aren't neat.

I love the idea of the 7 Cups teen challenge for you. I can't see the teen challenge stuff, but I was going to come on this evening and suggest that the thing that you see when you open 7 cups each day that you read the "Learn" section. It will help reinforce some of the points that I have been making. Let me know if there is any way I can encourage you.

Sometimes headaches just happen. Sorry that your mom was sick too. After the day off, try to do some studying so you don't get too far behind again. You can mix it with the fun stuff a little when you can though. Good luck on the exams. I think that you will do well.

I am glad that you wrote that list and that it was long. Life is really a bunch of little steps that come together into something bigger. You are indeed doing things well and you are going to find your way to a better spot. It is just that your dips are particularly rough. 

I am not that concerned that you don't have a plan of what you are going to do with your life. That is going to become apparent as you walk down the path. You only have partial light at each moment so the next step is unclear. The one key is to be really aware of that present moment and ask yourself - do I like what I am doing right now in any way? You might dislike it the next day. That's okay. But maybe create a list of "I sort of enjoyed..." Due to the depression, don't expect to totally fall in love with anything right now. But the "sort of enjoyed" list is something you can look back on for ideas later on. For now, just keep the list and watch for trends. Maybe it is simple stuff like "I enjoyed having a clean bathroom." What could that be telling you about yourself? You like order and like to create order out of chaos. There are lots of jobs that do that kind of thing. Maybe you will be a good lab assistant, or a librarian, or someone who works in an office handling files. Or maybe you will sell people better mattresses.

For right now just focus on your exams and getting yourself a better mattress. I hope that your mom feels better tomorrow. 

@bestVase7265 hi. i need to vent a little. i'll start with a good moment though. it was my mother's pretty nice reaction to my maths marks. and i exercised a little so that was nice.

now the bad, of yesterday and today. so yesterday we had our french exam and so far i think it was okayish but i'll only know when we see our papers i guess. so after the exam some kids had to stay back in school for a cbse exam so we waited and i had nothing to do and nobody to talk to so i put my head down and tired to sleep but couldn't. just when i feel asleep someone woke me up telling me that we had to go for the exam. so it happened and i don't understand how other kids finished it so quickly because i took a bit of time. is something wrong with me? or are the others just solving whatever without reading everything properly?

anyway, after the exam i went to the school office to call my mother and ask her to come pick me up. and a whole lot of drama happened and my mother yelled at me in front of two other students. it was horrible, absolutely horrible. i want to talk about it but i'll talk about it later. all of yesterday at home was spent cleaning even though i had originally planned to do homework and respond to you too. i don't know when i'll do that now.

today was quite a bad day at school. we got our maths papers first thing in the morning and it made me feel awful. 40/50. that's not good enough. the teacher expected more, i expected more. and then in chemistry i got 16.5/17 and i feel the teacher unfairly decusted half a mark. and we got our geography papers and i and most other people got 13/13 so that's fine, nothing special though.

my mother said she's happy with the 40/50 though and says that she thought i'd do worse. i cried a lot while telling her my marks though. and she also kinda appreciated me for the chemistry and geography when she almost never does.

anyway anyway i'll tell you all this later. right now my mind is a complete mess and i feel awful. it's 11:22 pm and i have done almost no homework today and i feel so horrible about it. i'm just wasting time. even scoring like this isn't making me a little more serious about studying. i badly want to go to bed but the guilt wont let me unless i do a little something at least. i'm honestly just really fed up. i'm falling behind on homework again with this but i just cant get myself to do it. i'll try to go do something right now. i don't know. it all feels awful and i'm so stressed even with exams over. 11:31 pm -  i gotta go.

Even when you want to vent, you are starting out with something positive or a point where you connected to your senses! Great job. Keep it up. You are retraining your brain that way. Exercise and your mother's one encouraging exam comment was great.

My point of connection today was probably watching Olympics. I do love to watch how excited people get when they win something, especially when you can tell that they didn't quite think it was going to happen.

Taking your time on an exam is always a good thing. Never worry about other people finishing more quickly. Too many students want to be done and don't care enough about their work.

I am sorry that your mom yelled at you around other people. I am sure that was rough to handle.

Your exams are going just fine. Focus on those good marks. Don't expect perfection from yourself. If your mom wasn't upset about the math then you should not be either. You can't be good at every subject and you will have off days. I am sorry that the teacher announced the math scores aloud. If you want, you could go up and ask him tips for doing better. Say that you are trying but are finding it all very stressful. Teachers do appreciate when you ask for help because it means you care about their subject. But if your mom is okay with it, I would be too. She can tell you are trying. Remember how much the depression and anxiety are taking away from your ability to do math at the moment. Grant yourself some grace. 

Wait - you survived 4-5 days without hair pulling?? That is AWESOME. That is how you begin to heal from it and stop doing it. Your next goal is another 4-5 days at least. You aren't going to get perfection at the moment, but the key is not to make it a habit again. Again, grant yourself grace and a small victory. 

You did a good job and going back to even do a little bit of homework when you felt like you were getting off track. Every little bit helps. You also created a homework plan? Again that is awesome. You will work your way up to the point where you can use such tools more frequently. Celebrate little victories. You are going to figure out the homework. Remember to avoid looking down at the pile too much. You did good in suggesting to your mom that talking for slightly shorter might help you get started on the homework. Then you pull out work when you first walk into your room. 

Five and half hours of sleep is not a normal amount. Your body needs 6-8 at a minimum. I always get 8. There is nothing wrong with you. What happened last year was you were trying to live on too little sleep. You also weren't fine. We started communicating then and you were already off. Finally, depression makes you sleepier to begin with.

You are doing all of this. I know it is stressful. Just keep plugging away at it.

@bestVase7265 hey vase, have you been alright? you mentioned having a cold, is it any better now? i hope it is. by the way, i'm sorry i haven't been responding to you, i hope to do it this weekend.

i've had quite a lot many good moments today. i'm just really tired. so first off, in library class today i actually read something instead of just sitting and doing nothing. i feel weird for reading enid blyton because it's quite childish but i like it and it made me laugh today. and then maths class was really funny today, i laughed a whole lot with all those jokes and everything. also seeing some sunlight for the first time in quite some time. as much as i love rain and cloudy weather, having that for too long isn't very fun. and in school i also got some time to do some homework that i had been procrastinating about for 2 days but in school it was easier to do.

i'm really stressed though. we have to submit our maths worksheet notebooks on wednesday and i have a lot of work left and also i have other notebooks to complete. i'm not sure what to do. also we have school on saturday which i really hate. cant we at least get to spend two days a week at home?

i badly wanted to go on a trip after the exams but that never happened. also, after the exams i wanted to take one day where i could sleep a lot during the day too but that doesn't seem like it will ever happen.

doing homework after school is really hard even if i want to do it. because i'm just so tired and sleep deprived. and then as much as i want to go to bed early, i cant because i tell myself i need to do homework first. so as sleepy as i get, i cant make myself go to bed because i worry about what'll happen if i go to bed without doing some homework.

today what got in the way of starting homework on time was me getting home late because of traffic. so i stated homework at 6 and did it for an hour and then couldn't do any for one whole hour and then did a little more before dinner. now it's 11:14 and i'm not sure what to do.

i long to go to bed but i wonder if that'll be a good idea without doing enough homework. i used to like staying up late, now i don't anymore and i just want to sleep. seriously, all i ever want to do now i sleep. yet i don't get enough sleep. i'm so tired.

i guess for today i'll just pack up now and go to bed. and hope that i can get time in school tomorrow to do the homework. i guess i gotta rely on that unpredictability, i never know if i will get time, let's just hope i do. and hopefully i'm less tired tomorrow so that i can come home and hurry up with homework and try to catch up.

I am glad that you were able to find some good points in your day. Any relief that you can feel is a victory and enjoying both English and maths is good. I too enjoy Enid Blyton, but I haven't read anything by her in a while.

I am feeling much better. My good point today was finally getting to celebrate my oldest son's birthday. It happened several days ago but we couldn't really get together until today.

Unluckily you can't change when assignments are due or when you have to go to school. The best thing is to just try your best rather than wasting any energy imagining something different. I am starting a very busy month (August is always my worst in terms of what I need to do) and I know if I just accept that I will work very hard, I get through it more quickly.

It sounds like you had a good homework schedule today in that you worked for a bit then had a break before returning. Your body wants to get more rest so do sleep. You will figure out the homework tomorrow. Don't look down at the pile for too long. Just do what you can. It ALWAYS somehow gets done. I have to remind myself of that too. 

It is understandable that you feel misunderstood. We all are misunderstood often. I can imagine that you feel particularly misunderstood because your brain is muddled and not working well right now due to the depression. That can sometimes make it harder for people to understand what you are feeling or saying. But people also just make mistakes on their own. Maybe with your mom it was her fault for not hearing you correctly. But that can also be a physical thing like her hearing is weaker or she had too much earwax that day. You can never know.

Sleeping a bunch with depression is a way of healing. I know it doesn't feel like that when you wake up and you are as tired as when you went to bed. But that extra sleep allows your brain to turn off for a while.

I do totally understand that you feel spent, done, angry, frustrated, and tons more because you just want the depression to subside and to feel better. I wish that it worked that way, but it is a long-term persistent effort that can bring about change. There were so many days that I kept trying and trying and nothing happened. I too went to bed not wanting to reawaken. But I took the only option that I had - continuing to try different things all the time to feel better.

What that meant for me was to not stop teaching no matter how much I wanted to. At one point, someone said that I should take some kind of disability leave of absence. I probably should have but that involved going to a mental institution and I wasn't ready for that step. So I just forced myself to move forward. I would say to myself "I can't walk into a classroom today and turn on that teaching light" or "I can't read any more papers because my brain is so thick that I can't understand them." Then I would sigh and do it anyway. And somehow after those mini-pushes each day, I would find that I had completed the task that I thought was impossible. It sounds like you are at a similar point.

Do shower whenever you get a chance. It does help start the process where you can get up out of bed and feel minimally better about the day. When you are using Cups each day read carefully the "Learn" section on your home page. It is saying many of the same suggestions that I am giving you.

So how can I say that you aren't being annoying and difficult or that you are some kind of burden? The bottom line is forgiveness. I simply don't let things have any long term impact. I put myself in your shoes and realize what pain you are in. Would I blame someone who had a nasty cut on their arm for bleeding all over me? No. I feel the same way about you. Thus you can't be annoying or difficult.

Forgiveness is something that you really, really need right now and in multiple ways. Above all, you need to figure out how to forgive yourself. Your depression has created in your mind an evil cartoon of who you are and has made you believe it. But it is untrue. You actually are a lovely person, just deeply wounded. How can you forgive yourself? Start small when you don't get a perfect score or you don't get the homework done quite right. You can build right there.

But you also need to forgive the others in your life - your parents, your friends, your teachers, me. Put yourself in our shoes when you can and realize that we make mistakes often. Then our errors eventually don't hurt quite as badly like your mom mishearing you. The key is to keep yourself from being hurt by reacting to things less strongly. 

I don't need any break from you because you are being neither difficult nor annoying. But I do think that you need one. Writing all of your pain out is making you feel it too deeply. You need a bit of a better balance. So what I am going to do is only respond every two days rather than every day. Keep your messages a bit shorter to help you heal. But if I am not responding to you, I will be responding to others. It really isn't all that different talking to you in terms of difficulty than anyone else. I set aside 30-45 minutes nightly to communicate. I will continue to that whether I am in my busy season or not.

@bestVase7265 hey there. i will respond to your messages soon. just here to say a bit of something. for good moment, i just got up a few minutes ago and went and stood beside my mother as she's cooking, and she suddenly turned back and gave me a lovely hug. i had gone earlier today too and then she had shooed me away and before that today while we were talking after school she was telling me something that i just didn't get so she got so mad and yelled at me to get out of there. so this helped. i've been feeling so horrible today since i came home from school and crying a lot and wanting to give up. so just been watching youtube mostly and not studying at all.

anyway, today is 9th august 2024. i can't believe i am still here after 3 whole years of just wanting to disappearr. i remember on this day in 2021 i first seriously considered disappearing, and those thoughts have been with me on and off ever since. sometimes its really about wanting to do something for that, sometimes it's just really hoping something happens to me. but i never did anything, and nothing happened that would kill me, so here i am.

but i really dont want to be. just incredibly tired right now. yesterday was quite a good day (i mean it, i honestly felt quite good) but today i dont feel good at all. especially since when we got told about an activity we need to do on 19th august - make a vision board. and our class teacher's telling us that this is a marked activity, which i really doubt.

he also lectured us a lot today about how we should set goals and have plans and be disciplined and stuff. how we should plan out our day the night before and plan everything with the timings, as in decided what to do when, all the day before. he says that if we do this we'll all score well in the next exams.

but is this really possible? what if something comes up? what if that day i go to school and get some new urgent homework or submission? what if i just end up really tired and have no energy to do anything? what if something happens and i need time to cry? what if i come home from school late? what if my friend misses school and i need to send her the work? what if my cups friend needs me to talk a little? what if i need to help out my mother? there is so much that could come up. is it possible to be so specific about timings and what exactly to do?

also, what is life if everything is constantly restricted within specific timings? i know it can work for some really disciplined people like this teacher maybe and people who arent struggling so much. and mostly for adults i think because i dont think any teen likes so much structure and routine. we like doing whatever we just feel like doing in that moment. also, dont you ask me to just sit down and do homework and not spend too much time thinking about it? so would this kinda crazy planning not be thinking too much? this teacher's advice is so very overwhelming and confuses me so much. like what on earth should i even do?

and the vision board activity - for that we are expected to know what we want to do in out lives, what kinda people we want to be, how we want to feel, what kinda people we want in our lives, where we want to live, what materialistic things we want, and so on. we need to have goals and also write down by which year we have to achieve that.

this is horrible. arent we too young to decide all this now? most kids in the class are 14. some might be 13 or 15. how are we supposed to know all this from right now? and why do we need to know? also, how do we know the specific years for everything in the future? it all depends on so many things like what exactly we study and up to what level, right? are we supposed to have all of that figured out at this age? because i dont even know if i'll take science or arts in 11th grade.

everything really depends. and why do we have to decide anyways? how's it gonna make a difference? and our wants and wishes can very well change. if you asked me what i wanted to become after growing up, 8 years ago, i've have said teacher. if you asked me 5 years ago, i'd have said astronaut. if you ask me now, i say i dont think.

and they say that if at this age we still haven't decided, we gotta hurry up an decide because we need a goal in mind to work towards. but really, how am i to work towards it if i did have one, from right now? i'm just in 9th and for right now my job is just to study all subjects well, because that is what my parents expect me to do. so why do i need to decide now?

and we're being told that if we don't decide now, we wont have something specific to work towards and have as an aim. does this make sense to you? it makes me feel awful. the school expects me to have everything figured out and i really cant do that now. my parents dont need me to figure out just yet either. what the helll is wrong with the school?

somebody asked the teacher "what if we still havent decided what we want to do?" and the teacher said "then decide now, yoh have 10 days." and the student in my opinion very rightly said "sir, 10 days  is not enough to decide what we want to do in our lives." and he just said "10 days is more than enough. within 1 day also you can decide." and that's true if you decide to become a dead body but not if you want to stay alive and do something.

i might just be able to avoid this vision board activity by skipping school on 19th august. but this all still makes me feel so horrible and suicidal. while i try to figure out how to be alive one year from now, these *** are expecting me to decide what i want to do in my life. i cant even decide what i want to do with my life in the first place. i could very well just end it and avoid all of this. why does the school want us to know what we want to do in our lives amd why does the school want to know that, isnt that my own personal matter? why do i need to share it with the school? also, what the heck's the problem with just letting things go the way they're going and not deciding things so early?

all this just makes me feel so angry, depressed and suicidal. i hate this. i've been feeling so horrific today and been crying so much. i cried 4 seperate times. and i pulled so badly from my eyelashes. they are practically gone.  i am so scared people will notice this now. i dont know what to do. also, i did zero homework today, i didnt even write one word. so congrats to me!! i thought i'd get some stuff done today so tomorrow after school i can finish off the rest and also make stuff for my mother's birthday on 15th. now since i didn't do anything at all today, i don't know what to do. all i did today was watch youtube, cry and cups. yeah.

okay, this is definitely not a short vent. i'm sorry. just a lot going on in my head and too many awful thoughts i need to get outta my head before i go to bed now. i am already in bed right now, i'll just send this and sleep. and get 6 hrs of sleep because it's 12:27 am now and for tomorrow i asked my father to drop me to school so i will get up at 6:30 am.

I'll start from the top of your message. Hugs are pretty awesome. We all need that physical touch sometimes so I am glad that you got one from your mom.

I know it doesn't feel like it because you are so, so tired, but being here right now after 3 years is a huge victory. The world needs you here to offer kindness to others while you are slowly locating your bigger place in the world. Always remember that even opening up a door or helping someone with homework, supporting someone on cups or smiling at someone makes the world a better place. And that is what you really want isn't it - a world that is better so you don't have to suffer any more? You help to make that happen. 

A vision board sounds interesting at a bare minimum. Don't think about it as a permanent plan or anything. It is just ideas you are exploring. It might be easiest to just make it up. You don't have to follow it. Allow yourself to just dream. Then you won't put pressure on yourself. Avoid the "I don't think" trap. It is a trap because it makes everything too hazy and allows depression to settle in even further. You can be the teacher or the astronaut or the photographer or the biologist or the person who organizes books or files. You could work with something like the fact that you like things clean and neat. Maybe you could imagine yourself organizing a lab. Pick something randomly and just go with it. You don't have to actually do it. Take the pressure off of yourself.

As far as the nightly plan goes, you are right about the need for lots of flexibility. There are indeed lots of things that could happen. But if you have a plan to begin with (just a simple I think that I will do this first and this second) you might feel less paralyzed to do nothing when you get home. That is something you really want to avoid. It is kind of a balancing act. Have a sketch but allow it to change. Your teacher sounds like an over-planner though. 

What kinds of things are you doing to take care of yourself? Remember the getting outside thing if you can. Go look at clouds for a few minutes. Do keep trying to drink that water even if your throat hurts. Not being hydrated will make it hurt more. Sending lots of peace and virtual hugs. I do think of you often.

I think part of the reason that the first part of your message was so down was because you were actually coming down with a physical illness. That is always tough on top of the depression. I hope that you do end up at a doctor that can help you. Remember that doctors can also spot other things. Your mental illness is having clear physical effects and the doctor might be able to spot that and offer your mom some actual suggestions that would make you feel better.

Above all, I just want to see you feel better. It can happen and you deserve it more than anyone I know.

I am going to start by copying and pasting what 7 Cups wrote today about self-compassion. I do think that you could really use some of this and it is exactly what I have been reminding you of. I will share this and then a more specific message:

We all experience setbacks, failures, and moments of self-doubt. But how we treat ourselves during these times significantly impacts our well-being. This lesson explores the concept of self-compassion, a powerful tool for cultivating kindness and understanding towards yourself, fostering resilience and emotional well-being.

Self-Criticism vs. Self-Compassion

Many of us have an inner critic that’s quick to judge and blame when things go wrong. Self-compassion challenges this inner critic and offers a gentler, more supportive approach.

Here’s a breakdown of the key differences:

• Self-Criticism: Focuses on negativity and blame. "I can’t believe I messed up again. I’m such a failure."
• Self-Compassion: Acknowledges shortcomings with kindness and understanding. "Everyone makes mistakes. This doesn’t define me. What can I learn from this experience?"

The Benefits of Self-Compassion

Extensive research highlights the numerous benefits of self-compassion:

• Reduced Stress and Anxiety: Self-compassion fosters a sense of calm and acceptance, leading to lower stress and anxiety levels.
• Increased Resilience: Self-compassion equips you to bounce back from challenges with greater ease.
• Improved Relationships: When you treat yourself with kindness, it extends to others, fostering stronger relationships.
• Enhanced Motivation: Self-compassion fosters self-acceptance, which is crucial for setting goals and pursuing them with motivation.

Cultivating Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is a skill that can be developed with practice. Here are some exercises to get you started:

• Mindful Self-Awareness: Pay attention to your self-talk, particularly when you’re feeling down. Notice the critical thoughts and challenge them with kinder alternatives.
• Common Humanity: Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes and experiences challenges. You’re not alone.
• Self-Kindness: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a close friend going through a difficult time.
• Mindfulness Practices: Meditation and other mindfulness practices can help cultivate self-awareness and acceptance.

Remember

Building self-compassion is a journey, not a destination. There will be setbacks, but be patient with yourself and celebrate your progress. Over time, self-compassion will become a natural part of your inner dialogue, fostering greater self-acceptance, resilience, and overall well-being.