A place for Vase and Berry
Hi @bestVase7265 This is a place where we can chat with each other. Thank you so much for supporting me, Vase. I'm very grateful and I'm happy to continue our previous conversion here. 😊
Ok, you have written a novel here (very impressive since your first language isn't English). I am going to have trouble getting back to everything though because I am away at the moment and very tired. I am going to do as much as I can in 20 minutes, focusing on points where you ask questions.
You will learn how to get better about procrastination because you will realize that you get too far behind and end up stressing more. But it is a learning process.
I know that it feels just fine copying and teachers might allow it. It just isn't a good way to learn and have the ideas that you are learning stick with you. It also means that you aren't creatively using your own brain. But sometimes there are limited options. Copying from Wikipedia is definitely better than Chat GPT.
Hopefully you wrote in your response to the book that you disliked Sherlock Holmes. You are allowed to dislike things and it is good to have such a solid opinion of why. I think the reason that other people like it is because it allows you to imagine that you are personally fighting evil yourself like Sherlock Holmes. It makes you a good guy in a world of bad people. I don't really understand the revenge element myself. It never works out the way that you think that it will.
If you can only think about school in terms of how much you hate it and how much work that you have to do, then you can't really move forward. You make the decision whether you can learn from it and accept it. It isn't going anywhere. I know that much of your reaction is part of the depression, but you can keep working on making it easier to accept as part of your life. Any little bit of joy that you get out of it is critical for you to focus on. Constantly look for the one project or theme that you are enjoying the most at any given moment. Trying is the only way through. You will do great on your presentation. Just relax and take it a step at a time.
I have stopped right before you started talking about the horrible incident with your mother. I will try to pick up again soon.
Ok, I also have limited time tonight and tomorrow to write so I am going to try to get in about 20-30 minutes since I must awaken tomorrow before 6 am.Â
Well, you are hiding something so I can understand your mom's initial reaction. You have to give some reason to trust you in order for that trust to happen. The more closed off that you are the less that she trusts you.
What you are hiding isn't bad though. I think that your mom knows that you struggle with depression. You can easily tell her that you use a website that allows you to write down and process some of what you are feeling. You are doing proactive mental health and that is a good thing that she should support, especially if she considered having you evaluated at some point and knows of your dad's struggles. Cups is something that you should be proud you are doing. You might consider letting your mom also see it in this light. You could even explain that was what you were doing when she came in unexpectedly. Show her how the site works but not what you are writing on it. Tell her that is private. I know that you would have to trust your mom more to let this happen. You aren't ready now, but you might be at some point. Keep it in the back of your mind.
I have been away so it has been cooler where I am and not so rainy. But hopefully I will be back home tomorrow after a very full day of travel (around 18 hours).Â
I have reached the end of your first message and will try to get to the other ones soon.
Ok, I am home again now and will see if I can finish up. I have just spent over 18 hours in travel time alone though, so I am working on limited energy and was so sapped last evening that I ended up in a weeping panic attack which hasn't happened in a very long while.
I can understand that those early classes, especially maths, can be hard. Sometimes you just have to power through by making sure to get enough sleep. School work is stressful, but sometimes spending less time thinking about the pile and more time just doing it can help. Thinking about your exhaustion levels, how unfair things are, or who should be doing what ultimately wastes time that you need to do the work. Write on 7 cups less and sleep more. Sleep is a priority.
Keep looking for advantages when you get unexpected responsibilities. Helping your mom with bike riding is necessary exercise. Grading other students' chemistry journals will help you learn the material better.Â
I can understand why the English teacher's interpretation of that poem was upsetting, but her interpretation isn't the only one. You are stronger than you realize because you are battling things that she doesn't understand. Ultimately it is just about not giving up. You aren't giving up so you are strong, not weak. You find ways to get through what you are dealing with at the moment.Â
You are also going to grow up. I am confident that you will make it and you will find something that you want to do. The fact that you don't know right now is okay. If your friend is annoying you at the moment then you can just not sit near her. Tell her that her comments are hurtful. Â
We will find more relaxing, hopeful stories for you to read when you get to choose your next book.
As far as time management advice goes, it sounds like it just overwhelms you. Maybe telling someone that you find it overwhelming rather than helpful would be a good place to start. Also, recognize each thing that you do accomplish is a victory, even if it is just cleaning your room. You MUST see each bit of homework that you get done is a success. That is the only way to fight back against the onslaught. You are doing it and finishing enough work even when you feel like you aren't. You are doing enough and you are enough.
If things get bad and your level of being suicidal increases, you MUST tell your mother or someone else. Such feelings can get you to a breaking point and you deserve help just like if you broke your arm. I am no substitute for proper medication and therapy. You are very clearly reaching that crisis point. I want you to survive because the world needs you here. There are so many people who would be devastated by your absence. Your brain is lying to you when it tells you otherwise. You can grow your coping mechanisms. Nothing happens overnight, but it does happen. You can do this.
I am going to stop reading the end of this 2nd one because you are repeating yourself and digging yourself into a deeper hole. Until YOU make a decision to ask for help, you are going to stay stuck. I don't want that for you.Â
My suggestions:
1) sleep
2) eat regularly
3) tell someone in real life how you are feeling
4) Do not just use 7 Cups as a place to vent. Your arguments become circular and increasingly irrational. Be on 7 Cups a little less.
@bestVase7265 don't mean to disturb you before you finish responding but i really need to ask, who exactly in real life do you want me to tell about how i'm feeling? and what do you want me to say? because i told my mother something this afternoon and absolutely regretted it. it made me feel so much worse.
I will answer your final post tomorrow.
Remember when the program thinks that you are in crisis because of how you are writing that the program is probably correct. You can be having a mental breakdown when things get so desperate. Your brain may have reached the point where you require a few weeks off from school and some very consistent medication and therapy.
You deserve to feel better and not just be thinking about ways that things would be better if you weren't around. It does take lots of work on your emotions, but you can actually get yourself to a better spot where you don't have to fantasize about having a heart attack.
Your bench mate is very much sounding like he is suffering from depression too. Heavy bullying and spending your entire break alone would do that to you. He reacts in anger unluckily, but some of the emotions that he is experiencing are yours as well. One thing that I found in my own depression journey was that listening to others tell of their own struggles helped me a great deal in managing my own. I could say to them what I should have been saying to myself. You don't have to tell him your story. You just need to listen to him and encourage him every so often. You are already doing it.
Sleep is more important than doing 7 Cups right now. You have to make the decision to sleep though. You say that you don't know how to get more sleep. You do have that capability. It just takes lots of willpower. Set a timer for bed at 12:30 to start winding down. Turn off all machines at that point. At 1 am you are going to sleep no matter what. Set a second alarm. Then just do it.Â
I am going to do the same right now.
@bestVase7265 vase i am so sorry. i am sorry. i wrote too much. i shouldn't have written that much for you to read. it's too much i'm sorry. funny how you call it a novel but it's the most horrible novel in the world. i am a bad writer. i dont know how to shorten things and keep on talking and talking. this is horrible. i'm sorry. i'm sorry i caused you so much trouble. you never had to respond while you were away and tired though. you could have done it after being back home. but i must say, you got to a whole lot in just 20 mins. you're fast.
oh and by the way, english might not be my first language but it still is the language i express myself best in. if you asked me to talk to you in bengali i wouldn't be able to because i cant read or write in bengali. and even if i were to speak it and not write it, i wouldn't be able to say all this because my bengali vocabulary absolutely sucks. i mix up english or hindi words while speking bengali at home. my hindi and marathi is horrible too. english is just a lot easier for me and in school too i hear english most of the time. so yeah, you needn't be impressed.
i totally understand the consequences of procrastination yet i cant do anything about it. it's an endless cycle. i dont feel good so i procrastinate and then at the end of the day i realise that i just must get it done. so i stay up late doing it. then the next day in school i am so sleepy and cant pay attention and cant even get all the classwork done and i'm not efficient enough. then that's all the work i need to make sense of after coming home. but i'm just so tired and i cant get myself to start. i stay up late again. the cycle continues. today somehow we didn't have too much homework that i need for tomorrow so i did a little homework today after sending notes to my friend in school because she's been absent for 3 days.i only did the homework i need done for tomorrow. i still have a lot to do but i'm tired so i'll do it tomorrow after school and on sunday. and i'm cupsing now. i'll try to get back to as much as i can today and try to go to bed by 12. i'm so sleepy. today i requested my father to drop me to school tomorrow so i can sleep 30 mins extra. yes, i have school tomorrow even though it's saturday. we only have school till 12:20 though so it's better than full day school i think.
copying doesnt truly feel fine, i feel guilty about it, but it feels normal because everyone does it. but who said it's a good way to learn? it clearly isn't. and the worst is blindly copying, without even reading what you're copying. reading and understanding before copying is a tiny bit better. but of course, writing things yourself is a lot better in terms of learning and remembering what we learn, because me need a lot more of understanding for that. but yeah, we live in a world where almost everyone copies, sadly. it's hard to keep up with so much homework otherwise. i don't mean to say that copying solves the whole problem, but yes, it helps a lot sometimes. time is such a big problem. i think i need to save time with eating and stuff though, i'm really slow. hmm i wonder why you say copying from wikipedia is better than from chatgpt?
no, i didn't write anywhere that i disliked the book. nowhere were we asked to write whether or no we liked the book. what a book review is without out opinion on the book, i dunno. but all we had to write about the book was the summary (which i copied), character sketch (which i skipped), about the author (which we obviously had to take from the internet), takeaway (which my mother wrote for me), and glossary (for which i underlines the words and found out the meanings from google). and of course we had to do a cover page, an index, a reading log, acknowledgements and bibliography. so i didn't need to write anywhere that i didn't like the book or that it scared me or anything.
i think i understand why some people would like it though. but i didnt imagine it that way so i proably didn't like it. it's okay if you dont understand the revenge element. i just asked because this book was literally all about revenge and it made me curious.
i think you're right in that i cant really move forward if i only focus on how much i hate school and keep complaining about the work i need to do. i cant say i like it but i think i need to just let it be because i cant really change anything about school. this is really hard though.... i dont really get any joy at all from school these days. especially the last week or so. school feels incredibly boring. i am half asleep most of the time. when i am awake its just me feeling tired of school and tired of sitting on the first bench (it has a lot of disadvantages). i am so stuck on the first bench just because of my friend and it's not fun.
i cant really look for any projects that i'm enjoying because i dont enjoy any of them. they are such a big headache for me. they feel like a huge task. nothing fun about them. it's oh so rare for me to find anything fun at all about a project. it's just a big task you need to get done on time somehow and it's no fun. i can only hope i manage fine on the history presentation. it hasnt happened yet. the teacher has told us that she will inform us one day prior before she takes it. so yeah, i have to keep on revising it every few days. i kinda just hope she'd do it and finish it off because beimg given this long a duration of time for it makes me more scared about it and it increases expectations of better performance you know.
ooh getting up before 6 am doesnt sound fun. i hope it was manageable.
yeah true, i am hiding something and it leaves my mother puzzled. but what reason do i give her to trust me? i agree that being closed off makes her trust me less, but how do i be more open? do i need to talk to her and stuff more?
thanks for the assurance that what i am hiding isnt bad. but my mother does not know that i struggle with depression. i don't think she has any idea about it. and i dont want her to know either. i wonder though, what made you think my mother knows about my depression? i try my best to hide it and try to be the child she wants me to be, or at least pretend to be that. i obviously am failing because i'm being so secretive and she doesnt like that. but i try to be the happy child she wants me to be. how would she know i'm so depressed? i still try my best to seem normal and do the things she wants me to do, or pretend to do them. i really cant help but wonder why you think she knows about my depression. she probably doesnt.
sometimes if she sees me with an incredibly upset looking face she assumes i am angry about something even if i'm not and i'm feeling really down and overwhelmed and maybe suicidal. i tend to scream at her sometimes when i get annoyed by her especially when i dont feel well and she takes that as me being a hot tempered and very reactive and rude teenager. she says that i seem to have grown up too much and i dont care about her anymore and feel entitled to treat her like a dustbin. little does she know what's going on inside me. i hide my depression well and when i feel too horrible to hide it, it comes across to her as anger even if i'm not angry but just fed up of living.
why would she ever think i'm struggling with depression? i have everything i need and everything i ever asked for. my life is better than her's has ever been. my parents are better to me than her parents had been to her. i have no reason to be depressed. yeah schoolwork is a lot and she knows that but she surely wouldn't count that as a reason. i have a big room to myself and a bathroom to myself. i should be happy with everything i have. why am i so depressed even i dont know.
never would i ever 'easily' be able to tell my mother that i use a website that lets me write down and process my feelings. how would i tell her if she doesnt know that i'm depressed? and please dont tell me to tell my mother how depressed i am, i will never tell her that except in a goodbye letter maybe if i decide to let go. she really doesnt need to know and telling her will make no positive difference. i dont want her lecturing and advice the way she gives it to my father when he's depressed. i dont want her to constantly be behind me in schoolwork and bedtime and stuff, that will suffocate me to death.
and even if she knew about my depression, how could i tell her i use a website to write down and process my feelings? like why would i need a website for that? i can write in a diary right? and i hate writing in a diary because my hands are already tired enough from homework. typing is easier. it's also nice to be able to share it with someone and hear something supportive and comforting back. but my mother would be mad if she knew that i was talking to strangers online about things that shouldn't be talked about. she has always told me that i should never tell anyone about things that happen at home because it's not good and nobody would believe me. so i talk about it and lately my depression on here. people do believe me and being on cups has made me realise that there exist families where things are worse so it makes me feel a little better about my parents even with all the horrible stuff they do. anyway let it be. i am not telling my mother about cups. never.
i would never tell my mother that i was cupsing that day when she came in unexpectedly. she's not brought it up since and i dont want to bring it up and admit that i lied that day. admitting to your lies is the most embarrassing thing in the world. show how her how 7 cups works?! tell her what i am writing is private? it's not. anyone can see this thread. if my mother were to come across this, she would easily identify me because i share a lot of incidents in detail.
obviously, i'd have to trust my mother a thousand times to to tell my mother about cups. or even to talk about depression in a direct and straightforward way. and i will never trust her any more than i trust her now. i am clearly not ready now to tell her now and i never will be.
well and i know she was concerned about my mental health because of my father's condition, but i believe her concerns have vanished now. she hasnt ever brought it up after march. she's been with my father to his doctor after that but she probably never asked about me because she hasnt told me anything.
cupsing is something i should be proud of doing? why? in your other message did you not suggest i need to cups less?
cooler weather sounds nice. how do you feel about it not being rainy though? 18 hrs of travel is a whole lot. were you traveling by train or something? by the way, how was your trip? how long was it? did you happen to have your sons with you?
i have responded to your first two messages, i will respond to the other two tomorrow if i can. but just know that it's not that bad and i can try to manage by myself. it's okay. most definitely not as bad as you may think. i guess i shared too much about suicidal thoughts, but really they're nothing new, i just haven't shared about them much before. and i probably shouldn't have shared either. i'm sorry i brought it up so much. i feel like you might be quite disappointed and maybe mad with me for talking about this stuff. i'm so sorry. please forgive me. by the way it's 11:52 pm right now. i'm going to bed soon. hopefully by 12:20 am. that way i might be able to get a full 6 hrs of sleep because i can get up at 6:30 tomorrow instead of at 6. my father's dropping me to school and i wont go by the bus.
There is no need to apologize. I know that you are writing and processing. I would just like to turn that processing into something that helps you more. We need to figure out a way for you to move forward rather than ending up in a depression spiral.
Let's begin that by going back to our old formula and upping it a bit. When you go to start your messages each time you need to begin with one positive thing or one moment where you were better connected to the world around you. This will help train your brain to see the world more realistically. Mine for today was getting to the library to find a novel to read. It is going to be a form of self care as I get ready to start preparing for my new semester. I chose one about a mother and daughter spy during World War II.
Keep working on getting more sleep. It sounds like you are starting to arrange your schedule better. Do your best to set timers when you get home from school and then keep to them. It is especially hard when you first get home. Maybe set a timer for half an hour and then just start.
Wikipedia is better than ChatGPT because it is being created by actual human beings who check one another's work for accuracy. I actually had one of my classes work to improve Wikipedia articles by doing research once. It was a very interesting experience.
It is good that you recognize that complaining about school isn't getting you very far. However, you then spend the rest of that paragraph complaining about it. I know that much of it is boring, but there are moments when you learn something new. Look specifically for those moments.Â
So being a little more open with your mom, particularly about how you are feeling might get her to trust you more. So mention when something makes you sad or fearful. Then she can see your struggle a bit and know that you trust her enough to tell your story. I am not saying go really deep. Keep it somewhat surface, but make it regular. Sometimes even having just general conversations help. Her knowing about your depression doesn't mean you aren't being "the best child". It means that you are being real which is something that she wants to hear. I know when my kids come to me with problems, it actually makes me feel good because I know that they trust me. Everyone is going to have problems. Sharing them makes you more equal and more caring of others.
She does know that you are struggling with depression. She asked you about talking to your dad's doctor. She knows you aren't happy. She may not fully admit it, but she knows there is something off that she wants to try to help. Depression often looks like laziness when it isn't. It would help her to know this.Â
I got through about 3/4 of your message but now need to go to bed. Again, I am going to cut myself off because I know how important sleep is. You need to start doing the same.Â
@exuberantBlackberry9105
@bestVase7265Â hi. i read all your posts, but i dont think i have time to respond to everything right now, and it's kinda painful to talk about toom, so how about i just talk about my day right now because i've had a bit of a different day today, and then go to bed?
i just want you ask you one question, why do you keen insisting that i tell someone and talk to someone? it's okay, it's not that bad, i can manage. try to manage, that is. i don't want to talk to my mother anything anything, it makes me feel so much worse. can i know who else in real life do you want me to tell about how i'm feeling? and what do you want me to say? how do you expect me to ask for help? you know i told my mother something on thursday and i regretted telling her and it made me cry so much and it made me feel horrible after i told her. she don't understand. i don't want to talk to her about anything. the only thing i wanna talk to her about is stuff that happen at school and that's it. please tell me why you keep insisting i talk to her in every message of yours. reading it hurts me and makes me cry. please don't keep telling me this. at least tell me why you're saying this this you must.
in case you wanna know what i told her, i told her that i don't feel good and she asked me why and i said and that i'm tired and i don't like anything (i mean i'm fed up kinda thing). and she just said nothing. i just told her that i want to d!e and then instead of keeping quiet as usual whenever i saw that (it's been months since the last time i told her that), she raised her voice and said "eh!! we don't say that!! don't say that". that's it. i cried so much after she left my room. it hurt a lot. it still hurts. i wish i never told her. she doesn't understand. why do you keep telling me to tell her? are you forgetting the kind of person she is? do you still need me to tell her anything?
anyway, coming to my day today, it was kinda weird. quite unusual to be honest. so first off, i had asked my father to drop me to school today so i could get up at 6:30 and also last night i sadly couldn't go to bed before 12:20 but i did go around 12:50. some stuff came up sadly. anyway i still think that was a fair bit of sleep. my father took me to school by scooter and it was kinda cold and raining a bit so it was nice. my friend who was absent for that past 3 days came to school today and we saw each other just as we entered the school gate so it was kinda nice. also, my bench partner who was absent for the past 3 days came today. (both of them, my friend and bench partner i had last seen on 28th june so i saw them after a long time.) my friend had her aunt pass away and she also had a throat infection so she couldn't come to school. (by the way i heard her story of her aunt, it's quite a sad story but ultimately the family is relieved knowing that her aunt is finally relieved from all the pain of dealing with cancer.)
for my bench partner, i normally don't talk to him much or ask him anything but today i asked him why he was absent and he said he almost had dengue but could deal with it with early treatment. i asked him how he is now and lol, i had to repeat it thrice for him to hear it. i asked him and he said 'what?' and i repeated it and he didn't answer so i thought he hadn't heard. a few minutes later he asked me what i just said and i repeated it and he gave me the expression of not being great but managing to come to school. i guess it took him so long to hear me because it's an unexpected question nobody asks him lol. honestly when he came into the class today morning everyone seemed so upset just by seeing him. i kinda was too because then i don't get the whole bench to myself, but yeah, it's okay. i also asked him if he needs to see the work he missed but he said no so i assume he doesn't want any kind of help from me with the missed work and wants it from someone else who is clearly unwilling to help. but there's nothing i can do if he doesn't ask for help from me. i do think i'm willing to help because i see that nobody helps him but i cant if he refuses. wishing him luck getting the missed schoolwork.
school wasn't great to be honest my stomach was really hurting for most of the time. maybe because i almost had no breakfast. my mother forgot to put salt in my upma for breakfast so it was quite impossible to eat much. and then we had yoga class and the teacher made us do some exercises that made it worse. i managed somehow though. right now maths class is going a little better because we're doing geometry concepts which i kinda easy for me. we also got once free period today hehe. and it was a half day today so i came home at 1 pm and got showered and stuff. then it was time for my uncle to leave for his 3:15 pm train back to where he lives so i said goodbye and then my father took him to the railways station. i think i managed with him being here. he wasn't that rude and stuff, i think he might have at this point realised that the only family he has is my mother so he cant be that horrible of a brother to her. he did annoy me a lot but i tried to avoid him as best as i could.
anyway yeah, after lunch today i just did timepass because i didn't want to do anything. i just sat around and i guess i did a little history mapwork but that's it. and i was doing timepass. we had ice cream after lunch by the way. oh yeah, and i forgot to say, my mother's been really very sad today. it's been 17 years. she wants freedom. this day 17 years ago she got married. she's really sad about it. i kinda tried to hug her and stuff and told her that i love her even though i really don't, i just kinda wanted to make her feel better. she responded back saying "i know" which was funny because she keeps saying that i don't seem to love her anymore, and i don't really feel like i love her. after she finished her afternoon dishes she came to lie in my bed because she cant sit on her own bed without changing the sheets (because my father slept on it with his dirty clothes). and i decided to lie down with her and i slept for like more than 2 hours. got up around 7 pm i guess and i was so sleepy i couldn't really do anything at all. a little cleaning and stuff but that's it.
oh and my father seemed to have forgotten what day today is so my mother asked me to go test him. i went ask asked him what day it is today and she said "saturday". i laughed and asked the date and he said 7th june. i exclaimed "7th june?!" and then he said "oh no, 6th. i had totally forgotten". then he went to ask my mother what she wants to do today and it was decided that we'll have dinner outside. i wasn't interested and neither was my mother but she agreed because she wants a break from cooking so i was fine. we went to have dinner and it was cold outside which was kinda nice. my father also wanted ice cream after dinner so we went to an ice cream shop and had some ice cream freshly scooped into a cone. new thing for me because we normally buy a big block of ice cream and eat it at home in a bowl or buy a cornetto. sadly the ice cream dripped on my clothes and socks but it was kinda nice but not the best thing in july on a fairly cool day at 10 pm too. but yeah, my father wanted it.
goodness i'm tired and i'm gonna go to bed now. i have a whole lot of homework to do tomorrow because i almost did nothing today. i hope i can manage. i have school again on monday sadly.
i hope i was able to keep today's message a little positive. it wasn't that bad a day so a bit easier. i didn't bring up some of the horrible things or the thoughts that get brought along for me knowing my mother's stuck here with my father until i grow up or die. but let's not discuss that because i feel like you're kinda mad at me for talking about it so much. and i also don't want to you worry too much because it's not that bad after all and these same thoughts have been there for months, almost a year or so maybe. i just never shared them but and not that i did i feel like i shouldn't have. maybe my mother's right that we don't say "i wanna d!e". i think it either gets you in trouble or makes people more upset and respond in weird ways that hurt, except with certain people. so i'll try not to say it much no matter how i feel. it's not worth sharing with most people.
Ok, I understand why you don't want to talk to your mom in part. The reason that my previous few messages mentioned it so much is because to be honest you began to scare me. There is a point in mental illness where you actually have a breakdown and it felt like you were reaching that point. At that moment keeping you alive becomes the most important priority.Â
Most of your messages of late have been a heavy dose of depression fog and an inability to do any tasks because of it. You end up blaming yourself and self harm more because you can't move forward and get out of the hole. It is when you need to consider assistance.
I know that your mom is really hard to get along with. I know if I ask you to go to her that there is a huge risk of it backfiring. I will only ever do so at moments where I fear you leaving the earth. The earth needs you here. Life is going to get better as you get older. When you talk about such things, I am never ever mad at you. I am scared for you. I am sad for you because you deserve some real time, real person support. You are a great person who is fighting hard.
So why did your mom say "I don't want to hear that"? Because she didn't like the idea of you being in pain. When I first began to hit rock bottom, my husband said the exact same thing to me. It was a really hard moment. But a few days later, he turned it all around and began supporting me like crazy. He did his research on the internet and understood better what trouble I was in. I am not saying that your mom is going to do that. Acceptance that a person you love is struggling is really hard. Your mom blames herself and doesn't want to see it. But you actually opened up an important door that needed to be opened. There was no way for your mom to even consider helping if she didn't know. Thank you for trusting her in that way. It could eventually help. You should do no more. The ball is now in her court.
But you said that things aren't as bad as you have been writing so I am going to believe you. But consider writing a little less. What you are doing at this point with the writing is going deeper into the hole rather than using it to vent and then finding your way to living and fighting another day.Â
Most of this message is much more hopeful than your previous few. That is really good to see. I know how very, very hard it is to write in this way. I am glad that you felt the coolness on the scooter, that you got to bed a little earlier, and that your friend and bench mate both returned. You had good, caring conversations with them. It is good that your visit with your uncle went okay. It also great that you got to go out and had some ice cream.
Writing in this way will help a bit. It doesn't mean that you have to be positive all the time. But when you work hard to create messages that are a mix of positive and negative, your days will be easier to survive. There is a phrase "fake it till you make it." It doesn't always work with depression, but if you can write just ONE positive thing amidst all the negative, it can help.
My positive moment today was listening to a great big rainstorm outside.Â
@bestVase7265 i really wanted to reply to you today. but i've been tired and slow. and i had to spend more than usual time cleaning my bathroom today because my father did some work in there to fix something. and cleaning made me so tired i feel asleep in the evening when i should have gotten homework done. and then when i woke up i was so sleepy ant it took me ages to get started and it's getting late now and i need to finish off and sleep. its gonna harder to reply on school days and i dont want to keep you waiting till next weekend so i'll try to manage somehow.
if i get my homework done soon after school i should have time to reply. but that's a bit of a problem. i usually start at 7 pm or after that. even on weekends i get caught up with cleaning and stuff in the morning and i take ages to shower and eat lunch then i'm sleep and i only start in the evening. do you maybe have any suggestions to start earlier even if i'm tired and sleepy and have no motivation or willingness to do it? i come home at 3 pm by the way and i do have a lot of things to do after that - shower, eat, talk to my mother, clean my room and then get started with homework. any idea how i can get those things done faster? and when i sit down at my table how do i get started immediately and not just laze aroung? i will read your message and hopefully be able to do something and make time for me to type a proper reply hehe.
hey i wanted to get back to something today but i'm not really getting much time for it, so i think i'll type somewhere and post at once. just saying this so you don't need to worry too much or anything. i'm trying to manage. if you don't hear from me again until the weekend please don't get scared or anything.
somehow today evening i managed to get my hair washing, room cleaning and eating done before 5 pm and after that i talked to my mother and got ready and started homework at around 6. sadly i did homework properly for only an hour or so. i ended up getting really tired later on and sleepy so i didn't do much and also my mother made me feel quite horrible so not much done afterwards except some maths after dinner. but yeah i managed to start early for once in ages and it was nice hehe. i'm gonna go to bed now and hopefully tomorrow i wont be as sleepy as i have been today and i really hope i can start early with homework tomorrow too. i dunno for how many days i'll be able to do it though, it's really hard and tiring. i'm trying.
The shorter messages during the school week are fine. I hope that your father's bathroom repairs made the space better for you even if it meant more cleaning and less time for homework. Don't worry if you need time off during the week. That means you are getting better at balancing your time.
Getting started faster will always be a little tough. You have to experiment to find what works for you. I can understand needing the shower, food, and mom talk when you get home. How long does each of those activities take? Is there any time between them - even 5 minutes? I guess for me when I am really busy I think in really short time chunks. If we are about to go out somewhere and someone is in the bathroom, I am on my computer doing something for those few minutes. For instance, today I had 4 minutes before we were going to go walking. In that time, I set up 5 student Google accounts for next semester. Just knowing that I had done that so quickly told me that I could do other stuff fast too. It also makes my pile 5 minutes smaller.
It looks like you did better on day 2 than on day 1 in terms of starting the homework at a better time. Great! Remember that you are going to need to take breaks. After an hour, plan on a break of 5-10 minutes. Otherwise you just get slower and slower.
I can really tell how hard you are trying. That is awesome!
Do you have any good moments from the day? Mine was a pineapple popsicle after my walk. It was very refreshing after being so hot.Â