A place for Vase and Berry

Ok, so the thing about your bad throat, etc. that you started your message with - you tend to get physically ill more often with depression - head colds, flu, etc. Your body's resistance is down because your brain isn't functioning all that well. 

I understand that many doctors aren't always kind. However, not all of them are bad either. All people deserve the benefit of the doubt until their actions prove otherwise, especially if you haven't met them yet. I had a good doctor's appointment today for instance with someone brand new. It was just a quick skin cancer screen, but it went well and they even had candy at the entrance. So that was my good moment for the day.

I am happy to hear you say that you had a good day yesterday overall. Exercise and showering are great. It sounds like you even got a bit of work done. I especially loved your story about the song. You worked hard to find a good point in the day! Go you!

So sorry for the bad dream this morning. Those are never fun. I know that I tend to have more bad dreams around the time that I am sick. Hopefully you won't have any more any time soon.

As far as you mom seeing you in an "ugly" state, I understand your concern but I get your mom's as well. If she is concerned about you possibly thinking about death, then she actually is quite aware of how you are feeling. It scares her. She actually wants you around and she fears that you aren't doing well. Hiding under your bedsheets and refusing to get up just proves her fears. She is very aware that the depression is there even if you try to hide it. When you sleep late she actually begins to fear for your life. She isn't going to say it quite that way, but there is actual love behind her concern.

I am not misunderstanding you here. I totally get you want more freedom with sleep and that you are embarrassed with how you look when you wake up. I get the fact that the dream impacted your ability to feel anything less than helpless. But perhaps your parents are also feeling helpless. Just a thought.

I am glad that you attempted to power through some homework even if it was hard. Great on getting that paragraph done for English and recognizing that as a victory! 

I bet that you will create something great for your mom. Remember that it doesn't have to be perfect. It will also be a good distraction from everything else. 

Finally, sorry about the braces. They are indeed not fun. But you are a warrior and you will survive them.

Ok. So you are right that was definitely a mistake in reading on my part. I apologize. I was too hopeful that your mom was becoming less self-absorbed and seeing more of your pain. I will continue to hope for that for you, but obviously it isn't happening right now. I am sorry because I know that my misreading there caused you pain. You know that is never my intention.

I do think that your mom is also suffering from depression which makes it harder to see you. That is absolutely no excuse for how she treats you which is totally wrong. But it is an explanation.

From my perspective, I just keep hoping that someone will see your pain in your real life and reach out to help you. Because I really believe that you deserve that help and that we need you here in this world living and breathing and actually happy. It is the only reason that I would want your mom (or anyone else) to know. That hope isn't going to stop. I believe in you so I can't help but hope for a brighter future for you.

I know the depression is hitting harder again and I am sorry for that. Let's try to go back to things that might help. Forcing yourself to get out of bed and shower even if you don't want to is pretty important. It allows your brain the chance to reset.

Your mom's birthday doesn't have to be perfect. You just need to be present for it. That much you can do. If she is disappointed so be it. It doesn't make you any worse of a person. You are struggling right now and being present is a victory.

Remember to try to include something positive even if all you can come up with is that shower. Mine today was giving out some tiny plastic animals to a large bunch of college students. That small gesture made them so happy. A few even said that it made their day. Little things mean a lot. You are going to get through this bad patch. I am not going anywhere. 

honestly i have been doing no studying or homework at all yesterday and today. today was my mother's birthday and it didn't exactly go too great but i'll talk about it another day. i've just been really depressed and also worried and anxious these two days. i missed four days of school in a row (missing school today doesn't really matter though because it was only for flag hoisting and nothing else), so technically three days of missed work to catch up on. just really overwhelming. and i've been so lazy and feeling so weird that i'm mostly just on my phone all day and not doing anything. 

now i'll go to school tomorrow and i'm terrified because i don't really know what all happened while i was absent and my notebooks are incomplete and stuff. i've lost touch with all the topics we did in school last week because i really haven't been studying at home and not going to school either. i am so scared for tomorrow, i might just be so very lost. it's 11:27 pm right now and i'm thinking i'll just go to bed now without doing anything. and just try and figure it out in school tomorrow. and then try and catch up during the weekend. thank goodness we don't have school this coming saturday.

i'm really terrified about tomorrow evening too, about going to the dentist and getting braces. i don't want them. i'll look so weird in them. and i don't know if i'll do any homework after that tomorrow, i might just come home and sleep. by the way, last night i went to bed at 3 am and got up at 5:20 am today so i'm really tired, plus we went shopping today so it tired me out. i slept for an hour in the evening though. okay, i think i'll just go to bed right now and try to figure out tomorrow. by the way, i've been doing terribly with hair pulling lately and the guilt is killing me right now. and today evening my suicidal thoughts got really bad and mixed with feeling so anxious and worried it was terrible and i was doing some research but i managed to stop myself and convince myself not to do it more. i learnt a lot of interesting facts though.

oh i thought i'd include a good moment, it was watching a nice and really calming video just before i came here. it definitely helped me calm down a but and feel less worried and made me just think i'll go to bed and try tomorrow. i wanna watch it again but maybe i'll let it be and instead write a tiny bit of stuff in my french notebook for 5 minutes and then pack my bag and go to sleep. i'm really scared about tomorrow.

I am going to start with my good moment tonight. I have just received an unexpected package from my cousin who bought me some new pajamas to thank me for all my help during our trip this summer. It was a very kind gesture and the new pajamas are very soft. I wouldn't have chosen them for myself, but now that I have them I love them.

Sometimes when you stop working entirely you just get paralyzed. Any little bit to get yourself started again is a plus. Believe it or not, I had a time management specialist come to my class today to talk. She mentioned the pomodoro method: set a timer and work for 25 minutes, take a 5 minute break that includes no electronics, repeat that 2-3 times. It is known to really work but you have to do the no electronics part. It does reset your brain. If you can get your brain to do this a bit everything else is going to feel more manageable. You can retrain your brain to do this and it is important to try so you can stop the workload panic.

I am glad that you got a chance to wait just a little on the braces. Braces are a bit tough the first few days so any short delay is good.

Keep working to keep yourself away from those bad thoughts. There is nothing productive in doing that kind of research. Remember to hug yourself rather than pulling hair whenever you can. If need be put something over your hands to keep you from pulling.

I am so glad though that you managed to think of some positive things. Good work. I love the idea of a calming video and seeing your 7th grade maths teacher. I also think helping out a bit on 7 Cups is a good idea. When you are forced to write positive things to others then you start saying those more positive things to yourself. But do set lots of limits for yourself in terms of the time that you devote to it. Homework does need to take priority.

Actually I think your response to your benchmate was perfect. He wouldn't have said it if he didn't trust you that you would respond somewhat kindly. It is exactly the kind of thing that therapists recommend as a response for outsiders (having sat through a workshop on this a few weeks ago). Your job is to be a calming influence and to allow him to open up slowly. You don't know why he said it at that particular moment because his circumstances are always evolving. Thus "why, what's going on" allows him to focus on his emotions right then. It is a good response even if he has told you stuff before because it gives him a new opportunity to articulate his emotions. "Hmmm that's scary" is also first rate. You acknowledged his emotions as valid and didn't try to change them. It is also okay to not say much more. He was heard calmly and you didn't tell him he was wrong. Think of how much better you responded than your mother would have. She would have dismissed him. That is the truly bad response.

You know more about what you are doing than you think you do. This is what I mean about you needing to remain on the planet and fully engaged. You are actually helping people who need you.

and here i am venting again though i try not to come here too much. i've had a lot, i mean a lot of of good moments today, and i'm not really even feeling down in that sense, but i have so many thoughts in my head and it's so overwhelming. i mean i'm thinking too much, just too. so many things i have to do, so many i want to do and i don't know when. i honestly spent most of my day on cups today and i haven't done my homework and we gotta submit this tomorrow so i'm up at 12:30 am when i just want to go to bed. i know i wont be able to sleep but i still wanna lay down at least. i haven't been sleeping well lately, just too many thoughts to fall asleep. and when i do sleep, i have a dream every night. like every night for the last week or so, i've been dreaming and i just hate it. i feel so weird honestly. so many thoughts all at once, i cant relax.

i hardly did any homework today. at least yesterday i did more and i did just so much on saturday and i'm feeling bad now that i didn't do much today. sadly also been pulling a lot. tomorrow morning is gonna be a disaster trying to cover it up, it's too much to cover. i don't know, somehow whenever i have these days then i am not quite as suicidal and stuff, i'm so overwhelmed with all that i want to/have to do. i don't know what to do right now, i'll just get off cups and do homework and hopefully go to bed before 2 am. i just hope that tomorrow i can come home from school and get tons of homework done. i've really been wanting to deal with all the homework backlog by the end of this week. i dunno how. i thought i'd get a major chunk done today but i failed so i dunno how to manage now and also sleep. i need to sleep more and i just want a dreamless night of sleeping a lot. i long to sleep well.

I am going to first give my good thing for the day before going through each day's message. I am happy this evening with our local school board election results. We had a bunch of really scary people running who lost their races. It is nice to see democracy starting to succeed again.

Ok, starting with the "I had a lot of good moments" day. Yes, those days come as quite a shock and sometimes they are a little hard to process. But do tell me what those good moments are. It really helps your brain to write them down. It makes you realize that good is at a bare minimum possible.

But don't let the panic about any homework then take over again. Do spend less time on Cups to get the work done, but remember it is one step at a time.

Day two - I can understand the rougher start with your mom, but again you didn't tell me what the good moment was. Write them out in just a sentence or two. It will make your mom's yelling feel less important.

What kind of mistake did you make with your dad? Remember all kids make mistakes that cost their parents time and money. My kids still do so regularly. 

The day felt overwhelming because you were so short on sleep. That will always be harder to manage. If you have to chose between sleep and homework sometimes you need to chose the sleep. The homework stress lessens if you can think a little more clearly.

Look closely at your last two paragraphs - you kind of give yourself an answer to your question. If indeed your bench mate is saying such things it is probably for the same reason that those thoughts bring you false comfort. Keep realizing that for both of you that comfort is very false. What has worked for you in the past will work for both of you here - what is the next thing that you want to accomplish or live until? It can be something as simple as getting to the weekend where you get more rest. Don't look at the mountain. Look at the next step in front of you. You can tell your bench mate the same thing. Ask him to tell you anything small that he might be looking forward to.

Again, I am going to start with something positive today. I had a nice salted caramel ice cream bar after walking with my husband. We have been getting to talk to one another more now that my youngest son has moved out to attend university.

Remember to write a positive moment too okay? Be specific. It will help.

I don't know what I have done to save you, but I am very, very glad that you are still here. I still have strong confidence that you will find your way through all of this to a much better spot. We will keep working at it until we get you there.

Well if your bench mate changed then that is what was meant to happen. You can still support him even if it is from a distance with good thoughts. Know that you have really cared quite nicely for him. Who knows if at some point you aren't brought together again.

Sorry that the dental appointment is coming up sooner, but at least it will be over with sooner so you will be living with the new braces rather than just worrying about them. Sometimes the worry is worse than the reality.

Keep working to get to bed earlier. It continues to sound like you could really use some sleep.

I am sorry that you ended up sitting at lunch with someone you don't like. But do remember that she might have been having a bad day as well. But I know that you only have so much energy that you can devote to other people right now.

You are allowed to get frustrated and angry and I am sorry that your mom reacted the way that she did. However, one sentence that you say cannot ruin your entire life.

You make the decision of how to interpret your mother's words. They only have power if you let them. It is really hard, but you can ignore her. She doesn't deserve that kind of authority over you. You make a decision to be insulted and angry. I am not saying that you shouldn't be insulted or angry, but always remember that it is a decision. Sometimes once you focus on your own power in that moment (to do as your mother asks but not allow yourself to get so angry) then you take away her power over your emotions. She does have control over some of your actions right now, yes. but she shouldn't also have control over your emotions.

Hatred will eat you alive. It never injures the person that you hate. It only injures the person doing the hating. Don't become your mother. She lives and thrives in hatred. You are better than that. I am not saying you have to love her right now when you are so angry. I am suggesting a neutral position where you neither love nor hate her. You just don't have emotions towards her. 

You can see that in what you wrote immediately after you said you hated your mom. You started hating yourself again. That is what I mean by it eating you alive. You are not ugly nor are you a bad person.

What happened then? You had a bad day. We all have them. The key is how you bounce back from them. Maybe bounce isn't quite the word for it. Maybe picking yourself off the ground is more like it. Your emotions are bruised and bloodied tonight. But you can come back from them. Focus on what comes next rather than what happened today.

Why would you even consider believing your mother when she spoke in a moment of anger? You know that you said things that you regret. I bet she regrets them too even though her ego is too big to ever apologize. Stop expecting an apology that she won't give.  7 Cups is more correct about you than she is right now. Stop listening to the evil voices of hate. 

I will never give up on you here and neither will anyone else. We won't let you do it either. Take little steps forward into tomorrow. Focus on the little stuff. Do a little homework and get some sleep. Start with a mini positive moment next time. Force yourself to do it. I know you can. 

hey, do you have any suggestions to go to bed before 12 am? i try every night but i fail. i think mainly because i procrastinate. i start work late, then i feel like i cant go to bed without doing this. i try to do things like stopping homework at 10 pm on weekends and then focusing on other things like cups, but it takes up time too and i fail to go to bed early. also today i wasted my morning watching youtube because i was so sleepy and didnt wanna do homework. any suggestions to not do that? like how do i do homework if i'm sleepy? i try to just do it, but it's hard.

also that 'i cant go to bed without doing this feeling', what do i do about that? i try to tell myself tjag i should just sleep and work on it the next day but it doesn't really work always so i stay up late.

it's 1:24 am right now lol. i'll try going now but i have one more thing to do. just thought i'd ask this because i need help with this.

things are okay now with my mother by the way, good thing about today. not technically good moment lol. by the way the braces... they're really uncomfortable.

Going to again start with my moment of connection, though it has been a pretty horrible day from my end. As I was walking into the food store, I saw some pretty sea grass in the parking lot. It was particularly long and bushy and looked very soft to the touch.

First of all, the braces. Yes, they are pretty uncomfortable, especially at first. I had them at your age and I will admit to hating them. But the worst part was those first few days. They did get better after that. When they would tighten them, they would hurt for a few hours but then things would feel pretty okay again. I hope you are able to adjust quickly.

I can understand the procrastination struggle. Have you tried that pomodoro technique at all? When you first get up do some cold water on your face to get more awake and then promise yourself that you will just work for 25 minutes. Set a timer. Take a 5 minute break after that (youtube if necessary) and then try to go back to studying. Hopefully you can go back to studying again, but every 25 minute session is a victory.

I also set aside a very specific time for 7 cups myself. It is just 45 minutes to one hour. When 10 pm comes, my husband comes in and I turn everything off and go to bed. Again, you could set a timer. Give it a shot and see if it helps.

Glad to hear that things with your mom are neutral today. That is what you are aiming for - neutral. Don't look for really good and then she can't disappoint you. The less emotions you apply to her the better. Give your brain a chance to rest from that drama.

My good moment today was a lovely mango rice pudding that I had with lunch. The mango at the bottom was just a really nice contrast with the rice in terms of sour sweetness. I wished that I could have gone back and gotten more.

You have a workable plan already with setting up that weekend time for review. You just have to believe that you can stick to that plan. Remember about the setting of a timer. It will help with the procrastination.

Also remember not all subjects may need quite as much review time. Physics is notoriously difficult in that regard because of all the formulas.

Keep remembering not to look down too hard at the pile of stuff to do in front of you Keep your time on 7 Cups short just like you are doing. You have got this.