˚⋆˗ˏˋ☕︎ˎˊ˗ Cog & Jae's Lounge ˗ˏˋ☕︎ˎˊ˗⋆˚

Hello @Jaeteuk, just responding to your post down here, going to quote it.:

❝I'm so glad to hear you haven't given up yet! Having a deadline/limited timeline I feel is often what can motivate us to get working on what needs to be done. Moving in with your partner, you have been waiting for this for so long. I'm happy for you that you are finally able to take the next step, and open a new chapter in your life. Definitely a positive change for you and your son. A well-deserved new beginning for you, after all the things you have been through, with traumas and physical ailments. The beauty with Real Estate, is you can do the work, no matter which State you're in, and can be both done remotely or face-to-face with your clients.❞

Indeed! I'm hoping to finish up with these real estate classes so I can move out of this city soon. I just have a lot of bad memories here and trauma... I also love that this job can be done remotely as you mentioned -- I love that! Especially since I have been dealing with some medical issues. I went for a short walk to the grocery store today and it gave me a sharp pain in the chest, I just have to be a bit more careful... Once I start working again though, I can just get a delivery for the groceries or ask my partner if maybe he could go pick them up since I'm still unwell...

❝As for myself, remember I had that Acute Diverticulitis the past February? Well, I finally had my colonoscopy this past Monday, and the doctor gave me a thumbs up after my procedure. So, I'm guessing everything looks fine now. I can finally have a sigh of relief that nothing serious resulted from that episode. It's something I do not want to experience again though. It took me 3 weeks to recover, couldn't work.

I've somewhat gave up on trying to find work in Korea as an English Teacher, because their work visa requirement consists that I either have a Degree or Diploma. I have neither, although I did start studies for a Diploma, and have stopped 1/3. Especially after being involved in a financial scam where I lost 20k. I haven't given up entirely though. Since January 2024, I have been sending out an email to a company I want to work at in China. Sending out the email, as a Job Offer to be an English Teacher, I send it out once a month, on the last day of each month (so that if the company sees my email, it is the 1st of the month). Also, my brother and I are giving a second chance to starting our own business. I did a pre-launch last June, and published a book on Amazon. My brother paid extra money on the same program, where we now get a one-on-one coach/mentor to give us more guidance to succeed in this re-launch. So hopefully, that goes well.❞
It's good to hear nothing serious resulted from dealing with the medical issue you were going through for 3 weeks! Sorry that you had to deal with that though...It can added extra stresses onto life being unable to work. I can relate to that completely. :( Also that is AWESOME news about the publishing deal!!! That would be nice if you and your brother would be able to work on that business so you don't have to worry about the stressful work environment you're currently in while working in the medical field. I wish you luck on that! Also, let me know how it goes with the English teaching job in China! Sounds like that would also be a pretty fun adventure as well. :)

❝As for my work at the hospital. A colleague finally retired, her last day was yesterday (I did not attend her retirement party at work). The other problematic new hire started last week. I feel she still acts negatively towards me, so I try my best to avoid interaction with her. We also have another new hire, another staff of the same status as I, a Casual (which means, we both work shifts to cover the permanent staffs' vacation and sick days). She's also the daughter of one of our clerk ladies. I've trained her for 2 days last week, and will have 3 more days of training with her in May.

Otherwise, I think I'm doing okay. I'm hoping this re-launch of our Publishing business will succeed, and that I can either quit my current job, or work the minimal amount of hours to keep my job. And possibly earn enough so we can have a family vacation (haven't gone on vacation with the whole family, parents and brother. Can't even when was the last time we went on vacation together). So that would be nice, I also hope to hear from that company in China. Whether they accept my job offer or not. It would be cool if they accept it though, it will be a dream come true.❞

I'm glad that overall you have been doing OK. It sounds like your job was pretty stressful prior with that difficult coworker. I hope things become better for you in that regard. Also, again, it's really exciting to hear about the possibility of being able to teach English in China AND also the publishing business! That honestly does sound like a dream come true. I also love to make art, write, and create music, that would be a dream of mine. I will probably get back into those hobbies/passions a bit more once I handle this real estate business first.

So sweet of you to make a space for us! *warmed my heart*

It sure seems we've been through a lot, medical, mental, and work-related struggles. 

I'm trying to be hopeful with the company in China. It might seem ridiculous to others, because it is an Entertainment Company founded by one of the idols I admire. So, I haven't told my family that I've been sending an email as a job offer for being an English Teacher. Including in the email, I've provided a screenshot of my cover letter and resume. As I've heard that many companies don't like receiving attachments. Especially that the company is in China, our computer systems are different, so, even if I send it as an attachment, he may not be able to open it. I know my chances are slim to none, but even just sending it out, I feel a sense of satisfaction. Since I haven't received any email saying the email address I send to is invalid, that also gives me some hope that it has gone through. I don't plan to tell my family about it, until unless I get a reply, or he accepts my job offer. Otherwise, I'll continue to send off an email every month.

As with the Publishing business, my brother joined a program back in 2022. I wasn't that involved in it when he first started. But, I did end up publishing my first book on Amazon last June, although I haven't gotten any sales. Now that my brother paid extra money for an upgraded version that is valid for 6 months, we're really pushing ourselves on the success of relaunching the business. There are many members/students in the program, many millionaires created. I'm not saying my brother and I can be millionaires, but it would be nice to have extra money to help with expenses around the house. Like I mentioned before, it would be nice to earn enough to have a real family vacation, the four of us, going to Japan or something. Or that I could earn an annual income equal to a full-time job (so that I can consider quitting my current job and just work from home). That would give me extra money to spend on my medical needs. (Because right now, since I'm not considered as a permanent staff, I do not have medical insurance. So, fees like going to the dentist, everything comes from my own savings. Dentist fees are most expensive, I spent a few thousand since last November already). 

To be honest though, there is one thing I'm worried about in regards to my future. Aside from being financially stable, I'm more worried about how I'm still single. 37 now, and still single, I feel so lonely and feel like I'm not loved. Yes, I have my parents and brother all living under the same roof, but it's different. My mum is also worried about my future, if my brother remarries, that I'll be all by myself. She wishes I find a partner/husband to take care of me for the rest of my life too. But meeting people, I think it's part of the traumas I've had in my childhood that prevents me from stepping out into the public eye and actively search for a potential significant other. Yet, it is something I wish I had to courage to do. Because I know that deep down, I also don't want to stay single for the rest of my life either. Especially when those around my age are getting married one by one. It's a bit saddening that all my life, I've only been in one relationship, that lasted a year, and had been single since. 

This was the other reason why I wanted to work overseas. Being in another city, geographically, where it's like a new chapter in life. I won't have memories of those traumas in a new city. So, I won't feel as tied down or anxious. So, it may be easier in that sense, to meet new people, and a potential husband along the way. Make new friends (because I'm currently friendless). Also, being away from family, I can train myself to become more independent.

I can say more about meeting new people, but I'll save that for another post.

Hello! Sorry I took a while to respond. The weekends tend to be a bit crazy with the little one home haha. I've been having a bit of issues with him randomly peeing in places, despite being potty trained...sometimes, when he is super focused on something, he doesn't like to get distracted and will pee. I have to remind him sometimes to go to the bathroom. He is 4y.o. and on the spectrum -- though he doesn't seem to have any potty issues at school? So I need to work with him more at home and get into a routine.

Honestly, that is really cool that you applied for that company in China! I mean, you never know? You could get the job, so I wouldn't be embarrassed! I wish you luck, it sounds like it would be pretty fun. 🍀Was curious, are you multilingual? Do you speak English, Chinese(Mandarin??) and Korean? I think that's pretty cool! Also, it sounds like a good plan to send it once a month.

That's also really neat that you're working with the publishing business! That honestly sounds like a dream! I am an amateur artist myself and I like to make comics and animations. I used to write for fun as a hobby as well. I was thinking of just posting my materials on certain websites (for free for now) to see if anyone would be interested in my content and allow the readers to donate if they want to. I just want to see if it might be something I want to do, apart from making music and possibly videogames/animations which combines lot of hobbies together. I am hoping with the real estate program that I'm going through, that I'll be making more money too to support my hobbies and I...also really, REALLY want to support other artist as a patron. I want to buy some art, books, music, and comic books to support my favourite artists/musicians. Or just donate because I feel like it. I know it can be difficult as a fulltime artist to make a living, unless they're a bigtime artist. There's some artists who's content has really helped me get through the tough times, since I have been disabled and dealing with other stuff... I just want to donate to show them my appreciation and how their artwork/comics/etc has helped me get through those tough days.

Anyways, I hope you are able to quit your current job and able to do something you're more passionate about, while also making a good living! I sincerely hope everything works out for you in that regard, that's honestly living the dream, and that's awesome! My uncle (mother's cousin) has gone to Japan, and said it's really nice over there. My current partner has some relatives that live there, but he doesn't really know them (my partner's grandma is from Japan and his grandpa is Scandinavian & Germanic, my partner has more Scandinavian-blood than Japanese). It would be cool to go see them (if he's comfortable with that, not sure how he'd feel about it, he grew up with abusive family, but his grandparents were the only kind ones, though they unfortunately passed away, and he doesn't know the ones in Japan).

What are your thoughts on online dating? I used to be really against it and against dating in general (I WANTED to be single for the rest of my life, because I have PTSD/depression and felt it was impossible...)...but then I met my exes in person, albeit, it didn't work out... My ex-fiancé used to be my neighbour that I asked out, and my ex-BF(if I can even call him that...) was a friend of my younger brother's who my younger brother introduced me to...It didn't work out because they were both alcoholics and heavy drug users. My ex-fiancé used to physically, verbally, and financially abuse me too... I paid all the bills and he would steal my car and steal my debit card to fund his bad habits and go to the str*p club...he was not a good partner and wasn't there for our son either. He's no longer in my life anymore and I have a restraining order. My ex-BF was a party animal, and he ended up ghosting me and also used me for money...I paid for his rent, for a week's worth of hotel so he wouldn't go homeless, and I always paid for meals for him AND his friends as well...

I gave up on "serious dating" and tried "casual dating", but I hated it. I have a child (who is autistic, so requires a bit more care) and don't have time for casual dates...it's not fun...my (former) girl friends told me to try it, and it's not for me. I ended up making an online dating profile, answered a series of questions, and matched with my current partner  (hopefully future husband, idk if "BF" is the term, I feel we are quite serious, so partner since we are not married yet, and not engaged yet either, we talked about getting our careers handled first before we get married and have children). We're long distance, 2 hours away, but he has been amazing. He would visit me every other weekend and we talk everyday for hours on the phone. When I thought I saw my abusive ex-fiancé at my workplace(when I was doing accounting) I called my partner, feeling scared, and he drove 2hours down to check on me and I went home to finish work from home instead. He also bought me some furniture, blankets (since I mentioned my son's potty issues), kitchen supplies, etc. He has helped me with rent, and has helped me with a lot --even when we barely started dating... I want to get this real estate license so I can return the favour and show how much I appreciate him. I want to give him a child. I want to propose to him. I want to get him a house & a car. He's been amazing to me.

But anyways... I found him through online dating, would that be something you would be interested in as well? What are your thoughts? (Also, I won't judge if you're not interested in that! I didn't believe in online dating, until I heard someone found her husband on there and they have children and been married for years...It inspired me honestly).

I can relate to the friendlessness... I had to cut out friends ever since I quit smoking MJ and drinking alcohol. I don't do those vices anymore, place those "friends" have done some bad things, so I'm alone now...I guess I have online friends? I just don't IRL apart from my partner and son pretty much. I moved around a lot as well, from town to city, state to state. But I have asked my partner about moving out of this country...or rather continent, but that's our long-term plan and may take a little while, since we're trying to establish our careers first. He has his license in his field, but taking extra classes to get more endorsements, and I am currently pursuing my real estate license. It is fun though, the travelling. I think you'll enjoy it a lot and meet all sorts of new people.

I'm hoping to get my son in a specialty therapy to see why he (recently) started peeing his pants randomly. He used to not do this, but does so nowadays if he's too focused doing something or when he gets angry/throws a tantrum...I'm hoping to learn from his educators so I can better help the little one. I feel bad, because we have moved around a lot, and most kids on the spectrum don't really like their routine to be disrupted, so I think that could have caused the peeing issue, partially. I plan on moving again here soon, but more permanently (hopefully).

Wow!! 帅呆了！I think it's super cool that you speak multiple languages. Spanish was my first language, then English. My mother immigrated from a Latin American country to this current English speaking one, where she met my father. She didn't know any English here, so she spoke to us only in Spanish while growing up. She learnt English along the way from listening to music, listening to the news, and reading newspapers -- is what she said. My father was always away working, so we learnt English at school. Then, at some point, I refuse wanting to speak Spanish anymore and forgot proper Spanish (I mostly speak slang a generation or two above me that my elders speak, which is a bit embarrassing since my peers don't understand or laugh...but that is how my relatives speak). I relearnt Spanish and how to speak more properly when I went to uni, and now my relatives think I talk funny, since I tend to speak more with Spanish from Spain expressions/vocabulary (we also have family that live in Spain and some may still remain in Portugal!). Idk, I just kind of like it and it's easier for me to say sometimes. So I can relate a little bit to how you mentioned you learnt Mandarin after speaking Cantonese and speak it more than your family. I used to watch Cantonese movies by Steven Chow [周星馳], and some Taiwanese movies (ex. "Secret"/【不能說的·秘密】). I haven't watched K-dramas in a longtime either. Mostly Korean movies, but back then I used to only watch comedy lol. But mostly rom-com, now idk. I'll watch pretty much anything. Are there specific movies or dramas you have been watching lately or recommend? 

Oh, do you know how often that Chinese company makes announcements like that? Is it a quarterly or seasonal thing that they announce it? Regardless, I still think it is good that you plan to send out your resume and cover letter at the end of each month for visibility. It sounds like it would be a pretty fun job to do! It's definitely frustrating to work in a job environment where one person's bad mood/attitude brings the whole team down...I can relate to dealing with those types of work environments, so I hope the publishing company works for you! I am doing real estate, because it's a bit like working alone (for the most part). I focus on my own duties and don't necessarily report to anyone (except boss). I don't need to deal with coworkers much tbh, so it's exciting! I only need to worry about making sales, and that's it. Plus, it's on my own time and schedule -- similar to your publishing type of work. You get to work at your own pace/schedule, which is really nice. Furthermore...Yeah, I can relate to enjoying the type of work at certain jobs, it's just only one person who kind of sours the mood which bites...

I don't blame you for being uncomfortable with online dating. I had to go through some...uncomfortable situations. It has it's ups and downsides. Your mother kind of reminds me of my own. Since I was young, I wasn't "feminine enough". She wanted me to shave earlier, straighten my "frizzy hair", put on makeup, and dress more feminine. It just wasn't for me (I have nothing against it though, if a woman wants to dress like that, that's cool! That's her style, just not mine). I was more athletic and kind of nerdy too. I later learnt how to dress better (in my style), how to take care of my naturally curly hair, and I don't wear makeup--I just drink a lot of water, eat fruits, and take care of my skin that way with natural remedies. I think I am actually allergic to makeup...it makes my face feel kind of itchy and/or uncomfortable, so I rarely ever wear it...I was able to get dates without dressing hyper feminine or makeup, so I don't think those things are necessary. People appreciate you for who you are, and when you meet your man, he's not going to care about that stuff. My brothers (and male friends) have told me in the past they don't like women with ANY makeup, or fake fingernails, and they like her dressing more naturally, instead of too girly -- idk, I guess everyone is different? The only feminine trait that I hear men usually express loving a lot is women with long hair -- but again, I guess everyone has their own preferences. I still managed to get dates with short and VERY short hair, it was...interesting haha.

I can relate to the physical intimacy thing...I trusted my first boyfriend, who is my (abusive) ex-fiancé who nearly unalived me...Before he...started drinking too much, I thought he was going to be my soulmate. We had a kid together, a place, and working towards a future...I wanted to propose to him and buy a house with him but...since he nearly unalived me and grew increasingly abusive, I had to get a restraining order and escape him. I also...didn't think I would ever have children due to my PTSD, depression, and medical issues but he sort of just went "oh by the way, I took off protection while you were blackout drunk and you MIGHT be pregnant"...so...I didn't consent to that and I told him before I wasn't ready for kids, but alas, I have one now. This was a few years back...I have been in and out of going to domestic violence support groups so I don't ever make the same mistake again, because my 2nd relationship -- the one where my younger brother introduced me to him -- also wasn't great. He used me for comfort and money. I paid for everything too...I'm just used to being a doormat...so I'm trying to be stronger and more aware of red flags sooner rather than later. My current BF is my 3rd relationship ever. I'm going to try and take it slow -- just in case! You never know...Not to be paranoid but...I have a son to think of and I need to protect both my physical and mental health.

About your friend talking about s*x when you explicitly told him it was not something you're interested in talking about -- I feel he is crossing a boundary... it does not matter if you are close friends, I feel if my close friend does not want to talk about certain topics, I would respect his/her boundaries and quit talking about subject and let that friend speak upon it if they would like to. I don't think it's very polite of him to push the topic further. Sometimes...if there are certain topics my BF and I talk about that I am uncomfortable with, I just change the subject or tell him bluntly I don't want to talk about it anymore (ex. Reading bad news when I'm in a sad mood, I don't really want to discuss the world news at the moment when not feeling well).

Ah, I was wondering -- is there speed dating or dating groups in your area to meet people in real life? Have you checked out those? I considered it before doing online dating in the past. I haven't gotten to experience them, so I don't know what it is like. Before, my mother was kind of similar to yours --- though my mother wanted me to specifically date someone who is Catholic, tall, and of her ethnicity (Latin American). My ex-fiancé was short, some type of Christian(??), and pacific islander. My current partner is considered white-Scandinavian and a quarter Japanese, and he's very tall -- but I don't know if she would "accept him". Only if he made a lot of money (which he AND I will be making more money with our new careers), I guess... My mother is...difficult...She has said some racist things about my father's race (he is black in English speaking country) and wouldn't want me to date people of his race because of her bad experience with my father... (My parents were not good to me growing up, nor to each other...). If I don't act how she wants me to, she compares me to him, and tells me how much she hates my dad...so...yeah...right now my mother is "nice" to me because of my son, but she didn't recognize him as her grandson because of my ex(since she didn't pick my ex...). It's complicated. Now she loves my son out of nowhere, it's strange...and I don't really trust her.

Ouch! Yeah, friendship breakups hurt a lot...I had a friend I grew up with since grade school and once we were in high school and she moved away, she slowly just...ghosted me. No explanation but...she was a bit mean to me growing up and claims I "stole" her friend (we were a trio group). I cut off contact with a lot of people from my former life to be honest... I have a hard time connecting with people. I'm surprised I am even in a relationship sometimes. I feel I am a natural loner...though I agree, it can get lonely. I...sometimes wonder if my BF and I are meant to be. I hate to sound negative, I just worry so much. I noticed lately he has been drinking, and my ex-fiancé was an alcoholic, and my younger brother's party animal friend that I dated was also an alcoholic. I get nervous around that. I quit drinking for good, for over 130 days -- since Jan 1st of this year. I don't ever want to drink alcohol every again. I need to talk to my BF about how I feel with his (new) drinking habit. He used to not drink, but since he can't afford his depression meds, he has been drinking more to cope...he currently lives with his (abusive) parents and they cause him stress. They nearly made him unalive when he was young from the extreme abuse. He is in his 30s(we're both millennial age range), and I think he might have a bit of trepidation to live on his own, as he hasn't before. I'm worried I am pushing him too hard. I want a serious relationship to where we build our future together. He promised me he would find a 2 bd apartment in his city and have son and I move in, since I have been dealing with medical issues that cause me to be bedridden sometimes. 
I have had issues with waiting on cash assistance, child support, and disabilities...It's taking a while for them to get back to me and I have to do additional work once they do get back to me.... I hate relying on government. In my culture, we take pride in our work. I used to work a lot and work so hard. I paid all of the bills when I was with my ex-fiancé, and when I was with the party animal ex, I paid for him and his friends, I paid his rent, and I paid for other excursions just for him. For me to be unable to financially support myself and son has made me feel incredibly terrible...

When my current BF said "don't worry about it, I'll take care of it" or something along those lines, I relaxed...but when I ask him how it's going with the job search or apartments, he says "I'll get to it when I get to it". I have ONE month left before the lease ends, and I'll end up move back to my home state with my (abusive) mother. I'm worry because of my son...and he's special needs... That is why I have been working hard to get these real estate classes done ASAP and start working. I applied for temp agencies as well. I plan on moving out of this city, but still in this state that BF and I are in(my mother lives in different state, 1,000+ kilometers away)... I feel slightly bitter with him to make such a big promise and back out on it...I told him my timeline and everything. I wish he wouldn't have made the promise at all, but at the same time -- it's my own problem, not his. I need to focus on my son and myself -- not my BF. I'll get my own place and manage, though I'm debating if I want my BF to move in with me now after this...I just need to figure out a way to communicate how I feel without putting blame on him -- as it is truly my own issue anyways. I just feel a bit let down by him...

I wonder too...maybe I should be alone for a while based on my (bad) dating experiences in the past? Maybe I should just focus on son and let it happen organically? I won't worry about dating apps or anything IF...if I do separate from partner. I want to focus on my son's health, education, and happiness along with my career. 

Sorry for the long ramble...it's been on my chest for a while, and I feel a bit embarrassed to talk about relationship issues. I feel like a failure...My mother judges me all the time -- yet her relationship with my father failed and her past dates didn't work out....I plan on cutting contact with my family too once I pay them back the money I owe due to health issue. I want to live my own life the way I want to and keep son safe. My mother...did some stuff to me growing up (SA) and I'm worried for son. I don't want her doing something weird or creepy...

Ah for your question on moving -- I have ALWAYS wanted to move to Spain since forever! I also really like Denmark, Finland, and Thailand (I tried to learn all of these languages, but have put it on backburner). I think Japan is cool, however... their work environment is very stressful, and I couldn't do that. But those European countries I listed are a bit more lax. I have family in France as well, but my French is not very good, so unsure if I can get by until I practice my French more. I feel embarrassed haha. I also like Portugal too. I only speak basic Portuguese though. I kind of want to travel to different countries and stay for a little bit to see which one I like best. My partner wants to move to Poland or Russian. He really likes Slavic countries. I don't know too much about those countries -- though since he mentioned war going on, he said he wants to wait... One of my former coworkers/online friends (I used to work remotely, so never seen him in person) has family in Russian, Ukraine, and Poland and he said...it's been rough for him. :( I hope he is doing OK.

I'm back!

So to continue on with what I wanted to talk about.

After the scam, I was angry with myself for trusting a complete stranger and falling into the trap to being scammed financially. I'm still saving up what I've lost, and hasn't been spending much money. I used to buy my own groceries and cook my own dinners, especially when I'm working. Although I'll still go buy myself some meat and veggies for my work week, but during the times I'm not working, I'm still eating along with my parents. Before, we would cook for ourselves for dinner too (my brother and I), and then, only on the weekend, we will eat together as a family and have one day of takeout. Ever since my incident, we're basically eating together with my parents everyday now, except when they have their own dinner plans with friends.

This incident have built even more distrust in men I meet. It's a difficult situation, like, I have a hard time feeling comfortable in front of men (except for the male nurses, doctors at work), but at the same time, I'm longing to meet a life-long partner/husband. So, as much as I'm okay with meeting the guys from my mum's friend's son-in-law, at the same time, I'm hesitant.

Talking about dressing attire, my wardrobe is very outdated, probably haven't bought a new piece of clothing since my early 20s, now 37. Sometimes when I'm needing to go out, I even have trouble picking what to wear. The thing is though, I hate shopping, especially for clothes. Unlike my mum, she likes going into clothing stores and try on clothes, I find it a waste of time. I'm the in-and-out type of shopper. I go into stores, any kind of stores, with purpose, and have in mind what I want to pick up, I'm not a window shopper, so I go in, pick up my items and leave. So, going to clothing stores, I don't want to be trying on every piece of clothing that catches my eye. When I do go into a clothing shop though, I just walk towards the styles that I feel most comfortable wearing.. but nowadays, I find them so expensive and my style, according to my mum, is very tomboyish. My style are long sleeves, turtle necks, jeans, or checkered shirts. 

Now it's the summer, I've got my hair cut short. Which I love, no matter what season, because I have thick hair, and a lot of it. My parents highly opposed to me having it cut short because they said I don't look feminine enough and guys won't be attracted. But if you saw the amount of hair I have and what I'd look like with long hair (long enough for a short pony tail of about 3 inches long), you'll understand why I prefer short hair. I'm also curly at the roots, so if my hair gets long, it just puffs out. Now we've found a hairdresser that cuts nice short hair for women, my mum hasn't complained much about having it short. The only thing is, to keep the style, I'll need a cut every 6 weeks, 8 weeks max. That's spending $45 each cut. 

Speaking of which, I think I need to go wash my hair.. there's a lot of short hairs in my ear and it's itchy. I'll need a wash before bed, otherwise all the loose hairs will be over over my bed/pillow. 

It looks like you need to have a good discussion with your BF about his drinking habits. I can imagine how one can turn into alcohol drinking when living in an abusive family and with depression. Just the same as with those who turn to smoking and doing drugs, because that is their only outlet. Of course these habits are not good for our health, but for some people, without the support from family and friends, that is all they can do. I would also feel disappointed if the promise of finding a place for you to move into after your lease ends is broken.. I hope you can find a solution, and not end up moving in with your abusive mother. It doesn't sound like a very safe environment for your son to be around.

So when I was saying I had many issues with male teachers back in grade school, it was to a point where I was even paranoid when I'm out in the public, like going to malls while riding in my parents car.. even when I know the teacher lives in a different school district, when we're at the mall looking for a parking spot, my eyes are always skimming each car and their license plates. In school, I'll avoid walking past a certain teacher's classroom, even if I have to walk to long way around to get to my next class. I'll also turn around and walk the other way, if I see the male teacher walking towards me at the end of the hall. It was horrible, and my depression got worse during those years. To a point where I get nightmares every night. Nowadays, that fear of men is still present, hence, I struggle to be out in the public for long periods of time.. and meeting other male strangers is a constant struggle. But like I said, it's very contradictory, because despite my fears, I want to meet my future husband somewhere, somehow. That is why I think it will help if I get that job in China. Being in a different place, geographically, starting a new chapter in life, I can create new memories, hopefully more positive ones with men I meet overseas. The only thing is, my parents probably will highly oppose to it. They hate China and it's politics. Especially how they have ruined Hong Kong with this Government. That is why I don't plan to tell them anything about me sending off a job offer to an Entertainment Company in China until I've been accepted. That way, they can't say no... heheh.

That's it for now. I believe I had more to say earlier, but have forgotten.

Are there times when you're talking to someone, and it always seem like that person is not really listening to you? Like their eyes are wandering, and they look focused on things around them, rather than what you're telling her/him? 

That's my cousin. I'm messaging her on the phone right now, and I can imagine what her facial expression is like. She does that whenever we meet (I see her maybe 2-3 times a year, during family celebrations like Chinese New Years, Christmas, and sometimes in the summer). But if we ever end up sitting beside each other, even when she asks of me, like how I'm doing or what's new. Whenever I start telling her, you can see that her attention is not focused on me, but rather on all the other conversations that are happening at the table. Like between my parents and her mum, or my uncle and aunt talking. I find it very disrespectful and that her intention is just to "show off" that she cares about me, but not actually mean it. And for the longest time, when she talks to me, and others, I don't know if she notices it herself, but she tends to raise a corner of her mouth whenever she talks. Almost looking like someone who's trying to be sneaky and tell a secret or something, trying to look discreet. That's why my family and I find that she's really fake. Like all her actions are just to "show off", and not sincere.

My mum suggested I tell her about my Publishing business, as she has a wide range of friends. Could ask her for a favor to spread the word, ask them to either buy my books or just leave a 5-star review. Just spoke with her on the phone, she's working from home today. She works at the University, I think she says she only needs to go into the office like 2-3 times a week. So, I've sent her links to 3 of my books, and she said she'll send them to her friend groups on chat. So, we'll see how it goes. 

My parents are meeting her mum, my aunt for lunch today. Along with my other Uncle and Aunt, my mum said she'll tell my Uncle too. Maybe get my other cousin to leave a review, he lives in the States. 

I've got great news!

One of my coloring books that we're running Ads on, it's only been 5 days, and we're standing at #1 New Release in Interior Design Style!!! Whoohoo! 🥳 🏆 

I'll respond sometime this week! I've just been dealing with some personal stuff lately. Yesterday, one of my stalkers came to my door and kept knocking and even jingled more doorknob...I'll be moving out of this city sometime in June, fortunately, so I won't have to deal with that anymore. I also need to tidy up my little apartment...I've let it go recently and haven't kept it as clean as I used to. My old apartments used to be spotless, but I have let it go. I plan on either making it spotless tonight or tomorrow since mandatory pest control will be coming by sometime this week. It's just hard to move around with my medical issues. Lastly, just trying to quickly finish up these real estate classes. I don't want to have to move to the home state my (abusive) mother resides in, which is 1,000+ kilometers away from where I am...it's my last resort. I'm hoping to work sometime this month, pay off June's rent(which is the last month, and maybe Airbnb in my partner's city or move in with him once he moves out of his parents house. Not sure what's going to happen. He's waiting to get his endorsements, as he already has his license for the job in his field. We're both just dealing with some stuff, and it's a pain. If he doesn't help with the living arrangement process and I do it all by myself then...I will reconsider him being able to live with me and pick whichever city I feel like living in within my state. We currently live 2 hours away from each other. I am not able to visit him, as he stated that he lives with his (abusive) parents, and it would make it awkward...and he hasn't been able to come here due to car issues. Just gonna wait and see what happens...it will determine some things about our relationship to be honest...

But yeah, that's pretty much what I have been dealing with plus some other minor stuff...Like seeking a specialty school for little one, saving money to get my own car, house/apartment searching, dealing with stalkers, dealing with government assistance, child support, trauma, agoraphobia, depression & PTSD, chronic pain, & other medical issues, etc....

So.. as previously I mentioned I wasn't in that good of a mood earlier, especially the day that guy sent me that inappropriate image. At work, I feel like I have a second mother with a colleague. She nags me more than my own mother. I seriously don't need another mother at work, that tells me every other day, what I need to be doing. I think she treats me like her own daughter, as her daughter is around the same age as I. But seriously, I don't need to be told, every other day, the same thing over and over. What needs to be done, what I need to prepare for the next day. Once a week is pushing it, but 2-3 times a week? That's too much. These are tasks that I know needs to be done, but then, there are evenings when I don't have time for dinner until past 6pm. Like last night, there was a very late case, I didn't go for dinner until 10 to 7pm. I'm off at 8pm. I usually save up my 2 15mins coffee breaks, and take an hour for dinner instead. There was one thing I left behind, but I don't care. I'm not staying longer to finish it, especially as the long weekend, I'd rather go home on time. I still didn't leave until around 8:10pm, but that was only because I was working on the puzzle in our lounge. We have a small table where I've brought in puzzles.. me and another nurse would just sit there on our breaks to put it together. The other day, I helped finished the perimeter and started in one corner of the puzzle. Yesterday, when I went for my dinner, I saw another corner was completed, so I built on it. I figured, I'm not back to work until June 7th, so the puzzle would be finished by then. It's a small 500-piece one. I bought a box of puzzle, it's a 10-in-one. So, it should keep her busy.

So, this morning, I met up with a colleague at her place. She's walking distance, only a 20 minute walk away. A couple of months ago, she asked if I would be interested to house sit her place when she went on vacation with her family, and have me look after their dog. She has a Frenchie. So, today, I did a meet and greet with her dog. Her son was at her sister's place, so I met her and her husband. They have a small condo/apartment. Was there chatting, they offered me coffee and cookie, and she just explained her dog's habits (Timmy). She started another temporary job where she'll be working at home for a year. So, I asked how her first week went and she tried to explain to me what her job is now. She's still a bit confused. So next time, we'll meet again, and she could show me how she walks Timmy. I was at her place for like 2.5 hours. She dropped me off at home, as they were on the way out to pick up their son. Timmy came along too. 

So yea, my brother's best friend is coming over for BBQ. My brother bought like a miniature charcoal stove, the Japanese kind, where you have skewers of meat/veggies over the stove to cook. His friend eats ALOT. They've done it before, and it always seems that my brother never buys enough food, his metabolism is high too, so I think that is why he can eat a lot and not see the weight put on him. He's like a badminton player, like plays 2-3 times a week with another group of friends. He went on a 10K run a while ago too. Very active, eats a lot, and loves red wine. It's funny, he has a girl friend, but not the romantic official girlfriend. They both love to drink, so she apparently goes to his place and they drink.. like 2-3 bottles between the two and he cooks for her too. They aren't in a serious relationship though, as it seems like she's only using him to pass time. He seems okay with it though, but they don't drink cheap wine.. so, he's been saving money. Other times, my brother will go out and eat with him, they've been eating the cheap food, like Pho. Rather than to Japanese restaurants, where it can get very pricy. Especially when the friend doesn't like to eat much rice, so they end up eating a lot of sashimi, instead of the sushi rolls with rice. So, it gets pricey as those charge by the piece. 

Anyways, that's all I have to say for now. How was your week? Better?

Another super long post!

So.. I've been going to a new dentist for the last 3-4 times. This dentist is the older sister of one of my high school friends. Her mother is the older sister to the parents of my brother's childhood friends. So, with the connection, I trust her expertise and professionalism. I will call her "C". So, according to my mum, C did a lot of schooling in regards to dentistry, and many oral-related studies. C goes to many conferences and is very educated in her field. Very simple, comparing the work she did on my chipped tooth to the previous dentist I went to. Early this year, one day, I suddenly discovered my tooth chipped, and I wasn't even eating something hard. I called my dentist to see if I could be seen quickly, as the tooth is at the front, to the left my of front teeth and it was a bit sharp with the jagged edges. So they did a filling for me. But it was horrible and looked very unprofessional. It was just like putting on a slab of clay to fill a missing spot. It was grey color and not even leveled with my tooth. Appearance-wise, being at the front, whenever I opened my mouth to talk, I'm sure other people could see it. So, I was very self-conscious. That filling came off in 2 months. I returned to my dentist as it's warranted. Then, my dentist tells me, that because my original tooth is like a small peg, any filling attached with come off easily. So, he says only a crown will do, and before attaching the crown, he'll need to place a pin in my tooth to hold up the crown. 

Honestly, I think this dentist is a total ripoff, and only cares about his profits as a dentist, and not the best interest of the client. From my first appointment last November, I've mentioned I have no medical insurance and all my previous dentist will give a 10% off because of that. He on the other hand, only gave it to me once, under one condition. When he was checking my teeth for fillings, he discovered 2 extra ones amongst the 16 he found. He said, only if I added those extra ones, then, he'll give me the compliment of 10% off. That's like trying to balance out the discount with more money that I'll need to pay. I've spend 1000's of dollars on my teeth with him. I feel totally cheated and that they are just robbing me of money. Yes, I may have 16 fillings that need to be done, but nothing was urgent. My teeth were not giving me any discomfort. But, he somehow talked me into doing it all. As he says, "If you do them all now, and not wait a couple years down, the cavities might get worse. Doing them now, you won't have to worry about it in the near future. We don't give discounts to our clients because we guarantee our work." (But all dentists have that guarantee, and usually don't charge the client if they return with the same problem or need a fix of the same problem). But if he considered how I'm not insured, he shouldn't have had me do all of them at once and only the most urgent ones. The previous dentist (a dentist we saw before we moved back to our hometown, and one my parents still see), he was very considerate of my parents and I. Knowing my parents are retirees and that I didn't have insurance, of the fillings, he will only do ones that are super urgent, or is giving me discomfort. And he will always give a 10% discount.

I feel like giving the dentist a bad review. I've very dissatisfied with his work. My fillings had been done by him and his son, his son joined the clinic as a dentist too. You know, at first, we thought this dentist can be trusted, because it turns out that he is a twin brother to our optometrist, a doctor we've seen for decades to have our eyes checked. But from my experience at the dental clinic with him and his son, I'd give them like a 1-star rating.

Back to this new dentist, the one of the family friend. C is very good. Although her clinic does not give out discounts for those without insurance, at least her work is good. With the chipped tooth, I went to C to get a filling done. C didn't say that only a crown would work. C made a filling that looks like a natural, adult-sized tooth. C chose a shade of the filling that matched the teeth beside my chipped tooth and even asked for my preference. To either match it with the tint of my upper or lower teeth. C had been so kind, and she doesn't make it sound like I must get all the filling done. 

My dental appointment I had a couple of days ago on Thursday. It was just a regular cleaning session, booked with C. She did the cleaning part, like all the scaling and such. The polish and fluoride was done by a hygienist. But near the end of her part, she went to get a camera and took a picture of my tongue. The right side, she showed me the picture and reason of taking a picture. It turns out she says she saw a white lesion on the side, she even used one of her dental instruments to keep track of the measurement with the picture taken. She tells me, she will need to keep the lesion monitored, as it may turn into something else, that would require a biopsy. The first thing that came to mind, was tongue cancer. Why else would it need a biopsy. I'm probably just doing unnecessary worry now, but I'll keep an eye on it myself too. I probably won't tell my parents about it, unless that biopsy is needed in the future. But, I did mention it to my brother, hope he won't say anything to my parents. Of course, C didn't say that, she just said with my frequent visits, she will keep monitoring it. She also discovered little bumps along the gum line on the top inner side of my mouth. She says they are like little canker sore or another term she used, and asked if they were bothering me. I said no. C says that they should resolve on their own, and in the meantime, I could just rinse with saltwater. C says she will check on it again at my next appointment. I need cleaning every 4 months, because my teeth can easily have cavities. Since the beginning of the year, I've cut down on chocolate and overly sugary snacks. But she says, that it seems like I have a couple of cavities surfacing again, she says they are either ones from previously filled or they could be new ones. 

So, my next cleaning session is in September with her. When I got home on Thursday, my brother was having a lunch break from work. I told him how good she is, and he asked me to help him book an appointment with him. He goes to the same dental clinic as I with the previous dentist, although I'm not sure if he sees the same dentist as I. He had an appointment for cleaning in June, so I booked him for July and he canceled the other one. Our government rolled out a dental benefit plan, but not all dental offices enrolled. I asked if this clinic is enrolled and they said no. My parents were thinking, if they were, that they'd come see C as well. Since their previous dentist is an hour drive away.