HELP!

In need of a good cry.

Yesterday's shift was not good.. the lady at the front desk (she's like the person in charge of the OR from 7am - 3pm), came up to me near the beginning of my shift and told me to make sure 3 specific things are done every night so it's ready in the morning..

These 3 things I usually do, and if she received some complaints about something in the morning, all I can say is, I might've missed 1 task.. But, the other 2, I'm pretty sure they were done.. 

Within the OR, we have 2 warmers for blankets.. which I will fill up at the end of my shift.. the only other warmer I always tend to forget, is the one in pre-surgery.. but here's the thing.. In pre-surgery, they now have their own linen cart with those blankets that the nurses working there can easily fill at the end of their shifts.. I almost always see a nurse with nothing to do by 4pm.. so, why can't they fill their own blanket warmer..

The nurses in Post-Surgery also have their own blanket warmer, and they restock themselves.. It shouldn't be our (the OR Aides) job to fill the warmer in pre-surgery.. I can see how we needed to do it in the past, because they did not have that linen cart until the beginning of this year.. But, now they have their own, the nurses working there has plenty of time to do it before the end of their shift.. Nowadays, they also sometimes get volunteers to help them fold up gowns for the patients and stack them all on the racks ready for the next day.. They could easily ask the volunteers to fill the warmer too.. 

And, I have a feeling it's the morning colleagues that complain about it.. and it becomes my fault.. All I hear is them saying that there are a lot of things to get done in the morning, and if I've forgot to do something and they end up needing to do it, they will say, they have a lot to do, and that extra task is too much work.. But honestly, some evenings are super busy.. like last night, I didn't go for my dinner until past 7pm (I'm off at 8pm).. one room didn't finish until 6pm.. the nurses are usually off at 7pm.. even they had to work a little over, just to get rooms set up. 

I usually have stretchers all placed outside each OR, and on Tuesday, I've grabbed 4 from upstairs back down.. and yet, that lady at the front desk mentioned about getting the stretchers all ready.. So, I left a note to our morning person so she'd see it when she starts her shift this morning.. saying I went upstairs at 7pm, and there were none in the hallway..

Like, colleagues can't expect that there will always be empty stretchers I can bring down in the evening.. because it really depends on whether or not the patients upstairs have a bed to be transferred to.. or if they get discharged by the time I end my shift.. So, it's normal when there are nights where there are no empty stretchers to bring down.. they can't expect me to have them ready for them in the morning every day.. and literally, it's their job in the mornings too..

I mean, I've worked their shifts before.. I know the amount of tasks that is needed to be done before the first cases start.. And yes, it does seem like there's a lot to get done within the hour.. but, if you work fast enough, you can do that extra work that was left behind the night before.. I just don't understand..

So, I was upset during my shift today.. because aside from that one of three things I missed, I do the rest every night anyways.. So, I feel like someone is making an unnecessary complaint and just wants to get me in trouble.. Like, there are so many things I need to do in the evening shift too.. As I'm all by myself from 3:30pm and onwards.. whereas, there are 2 Aides in the morning, and 3 Aides overlapping 2.5 hours the moment I start at noon. And yet, supplies are never restocked by the morning Aides.. so, end up going around the OR and checking on supplies and refilling everything.. When there's 2 Aides in the morning, I'm sure that they can easily spare like 15 minutes of their time to restock certain supplies too. It's like, I'm doing everything, the moment I start my shift.. and they could care less.. and yet, when something is missed, I'm the one who gets the blame..

So, I was upset during my shift yesterday.. Also, the colleague that finishes her shift at 3:30pm.. she comes to me every day, telling me things that she has done, and wants me to finish, so it's ready the next day.. It's like worse than having a second mother at work.. repeatedly telling me what I need to do.. I don't mind reminders like, once a week, but every day? But these things she tells me, it's almost automatic that I know I need to do.. Maybe she's trying to have good communication, but these messages don't need to be relayed to me every day at the end of her shift.. especially when it's repeated tasks.. and I've been doing this job much longer than she has.. I'm the one with more experience compared to the 2 current morning Aides that just started working late last year and early this year.. I seriously don't need to be told what to do.. and they shouldn't make a complaint about me when something is missed.. just do it!

There are multiple supposedly shared tasks, and they never do it.. and I end up doing everything.. then, when one of many tasks gets missed, I'm the one that gets the blame and complained about..

The more I thought about it when I got home last night, the more I felt teary. But I wasn't able to have a good cry about it.. so, now it feels like the emotions are stuck.. and my heart feels heavy.. It's going to affect todays shift, maybe tomorrow's too.. if I don't have an outlet for my emotions. It also affected my sleep last night.. slept for a couple of hours, woke at 3am.. then, at 6am.. then, at 8am.. 9am.. I usually get out of bed by 9:30-45ish. 

I'd better go get changed for work now.. yesterday, almost couldn't find a parking spot.

Just a quick message before I start my shift. Last night was a super busy shift, I also wasn't able to fall asleep until 5am this morning. So, I'm not looking forward to my shift today.

The verge of breakdown is not as serious today.

I've been posting everywhere in Cups about my condition and emotionless self. You can see posts in Grief & Loss, as well as in Depression Support.

You probably have a lot going on in your plate having moved back in with your toxic mother. I hope you're having some away time during this holiday. I know some Cups people who have gone away for vacation for the week. While you're busy settling down..

I just hope I either get through my shift by adrenaline, or I'll either feel faint from the lack of sleep. I'll see which way it goes later in the day. As of now, I feel like sleeping and an effort to keep my eyes open.

Hello, sorry it's taking me a long time to respond. I had these responses drafted for a while. Going to post them here. Apologies if I haven't responded to everything -- and I know it's WAAAY behind... :(

 ❝ I see why you have different colors. Color-coding is so useful. I used to write diaries, and each excerpt will be a different color. Then, the order of the color repeats once I've gone through all the colored pens I have. I haven't written in a diary since year 2020 (looking back in the diary I last wrote in). I think I started writing in diaries since I was 11 years old, Grade 6. My depression started developing in Grade 5.. but even as early as 3rd Grade, I was a very nervous child. I remember there was a time in 3rd Grade, where my parents dropped me off at school late. Back then, whenever we were late for the first bell, we have to check-in at the office. But, even at that age, I hated being late, let alone, needing to walk in to an office full of adults, saying that I was late for class, was definitely something I had feared. So, I ended up walking home.. and back then, I guess I felt safe walking by myself.. thinking back, home was quite far. It was about 6-7 blocks away. School was halfway on a hill, I lived on another hill beside it.. So, from school, I had to walk uphill for a few blocks, before changing direction to downhill, and my house was halfway down that hill. But then, I was afraid that my parents would freak out if I actually went home. So, I just kinda walked home, and walked back to school. Then, just waited until the school day ended. I actually don't remember if my parents found out about that day or not. All I remember was my fear of going to the office to claim I was late for school, and that I had walked back home and to school again. Oh look, I'm going off topic with the colored text. Oops.. ❞

Do you occasionally look back on your diaries from when you were 11 to see the differences up until now? I used to check my old diaries from when I was a teen, but I haven't revisited it in a long time...I might. I just having been journalling as much...My journal entries are also kind of scattered. I had one on paper a few years ago before I met my ex fiancé but lost that journal. I've decided to just keep everything electronically -- I've had them electronically for many years, but wanted to try handwritten journals...however...probably won't go back to that, as I worry it will stumble into the wrong hands or I'll lose it again.

Would you say you had a bit of anxiety back then too, apart from depression? Since you mentioned that your parents you feared your parents would freak out if you went home after being late? I used to be anxious too as a child...I knew if I let my parents down, I'd get verbally berated or physically harmed, so my anxiety was pretty bad...What were your parents like back then up till now? What's your relationship like? Do you feel close to your parents, but feel bad on if you may let them down? (I've heard of some people who are close and have good relationship with their parents, but since their parents went through so much hardship, that person pushes themself really hard to ensure that their parents never worry about em--wasn't sure what your relationship with your parents is like. I don't have a good relationship with my parents).

 ❝ I think the main reason I'm not looking back to going to work is because of the problematic colleague that joined the team since April. One problematic colleague retired, a second one joined. But I try to think, that it's okay, because literally, we only have 2.5hrs of overlap in our shifts. So, in that time, I can "avoid" having any interaction or contact with her (meaning staying out of the area she would usually be in). But the thing is, even knowing that she's there, makes me feel uncomfortable and depressed. Luckily, she's in a temporary position at the moment, probably will only be here until end of November. Of course, she would apply for a permanent position once my other two colleagues retire in the next 2 years. Honestly though, I hope by then, my Publishing Business will be well on track, and will have replaced the income I'd earn if I were full-time at the Hospital. That way, I could quit my current job and just work at home, or even do some traveling. ❞

Ah okay, so that colleague will only be around for about 5 months then change schedule that doesn't correlate with yours or would she be leaving? I hope your shifts have felt a bit smoother. I can understand that feeling of being around people who make you uncomfortable or depressed...I had a coworker that always treated me like I was stupid, even though the boss would correct HER mistakes. Since I was the "youngest" coworker there(most coworkers were 40+, with the exception of my boss only being a year older than me), they treated me like I was dumb and also complained about the boss...since we were the younger ones...albeit, that boss was also a bit annoying...He's request certain work to be done, then get mad that I "did too much", only for him to go "oh woops, actually, thanks for doing the extra work, it ends up that my boss needed it too!". Or when I ask him questions, he'll say "figure it out" and when I don't do it right, he'd get angry. I can't STAND

 ❝ If you have interest in creating books and selling it.. I can recommend the program I'm in. But, it does cost quite a bit, so, maybe you can think about it once both you and your partner have stable jobs and income. If you search Publishing.com, you'll see it's a program founded by a pair of twins. They provided a step-by-step course that teaches you how you can make your own books and sell them on Amazon. I'm lucky that my brother is my financial sponsor of this program, he puts in the money, and I put in the time and effort to write/create the books.

So, since this Publishing business is like our own business, I'm both the Author and Publisher. In the past, my brother registered a small business license/name, as he always have many ideas with starting his own interior-design related business. So, for this Publishing business, he only needed to reactivate his license and open a business bank account. I'm using the name of his business as the Publishing name. Then, using pen names as Authors. So, as for quota in how many books I need to sell, it's more like setting a goal as to how I want my business to gear towards. If my ultimate goal is to be able to quit my Hospital job, and still be earning enough monthly to survive, then, the amount of books sold will need to meet a certain quota to achieve that. The start off is slow, because my current coloring books aren't selling as good as anticipated. So, I'll have to spend more time and effort to creating more books, rather that be more coloring books, or actual 30k worded non-fiction books. I wrote one earlier, but only my Big Sister bought a copy of it. I've gathered like 49 free reviews through that site, but it has not been sold like crazy or as I had hoped. I really want to run ads on it, but our coach says that the topic doesn't meet demand. But thing is, there aren't many books on Amazon that is written in my format, that was why my brother and I thought that as a one-of-a-kind type of book, that it will sell. But when our coach checked the demand, she was like, "I have a hunch that when you guys first checked the demand, that it never passed the 3 requirements. If you want to relaunch the book, you'll need to change the cover to something that reflects your topic." But she believes that even then, it will not sell. But, I kinda want to prove her wrong.. through my 49 free reviews, the readers loved the format of my book. Of course, with the free reviews, they all give like a 4-5 star rating, and always write something good about the book. But I remember receiving a few reviews that pointed out the purpose of my book and the type of audience that I was targeting. It was right on point. So, I'm really thinking about running ads on it, despite how our coach says it won't work. It's a book on Kindness.. a parental guide to teach kids about kindness, that is broken down into 7 different soft skills that contribute to being kind. With practical tips and activities that parents can do with their children to cultivate kindness in their everyday lives. I wrote the entire book myself, took me a year. If this books sell like normal, I could be earning a lot more money. ❞

Hey, so I looked into that company and read a bit on it...and heard it might be a "Get Rich Quick" scheme?

Here were some links I found: 1)[Publishing Life, Christian Mikkelsen, make money webinars.]

]https://www.reddit.com/r/Scams/comments/lc2d0z/publishing_life_christian_mikkelsen_make_money/ (Check the comment section) 2) [Mikkelsen Twins / Publishing Life -- do not buy!] https://www.kboards.com/threads/mikkelsen-twins-publishing-life-do-not-buy.321627/ 3)[Mikkelsen twins SCAM lies EXPOSED!!! Part 1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVXJg47-rBg

I found some resources and advise on self-publishing links here (All for FREE): [Self-Publishing Guides | Reddit] https://www.reddit.com/r/selfpublish/wiki/index/

In those guides it mentions you shouldn't pay for self publishing, it should be free. I used to work in marketing...albeit a different field. I want to get into publishing my own comics/books someday, but can't really do that for the moment. I make my own websites, art, music, etc. Just need to find time to do that stuff again and design.

When I was in REALLY bad poverty...I have fallen for a scam in terms of a job, but (luckily) was able to get out of it quickly...It bites too, since I tried to verify if it was legitimate by looking up it's website and seeing if there was any suspicious info, but still (nearly) feel for it, until they asked a ridiculous question. I reported them on the job board and made sure my information wasn't stolen by calling my bank as well. I've also dealt with some other scams when I was broke...

Unfortunately, I'm in poverty again, but I'm extremely lucky to have support. I plan on selling some clothes and other items to make some money. I'm looking to start my own business if worse comes to worse...I'm going to get a boring remote 9-5 job for a little while or a part-time job in real estate if I ever finish these d*** classes soon enough, save money, and hope to make passive income.

Anyhow, sorry for being blunt...Just worried it could be a scheme...I've dealt with some in my life and don't want you to go through what I did. It sucks. I'm trying to build stuff back up due to those scams, people financially abusing me, dealing with bills after losing job due to ex, etc etc...Building everything back up so I'm never in that spot ever again in my life, and so my family (son and boyfriend) have a peace of mind and never have to worry... To be honest, I hope one day to make a lot of passive income from real estate so my partner doesn't have to worry about working any strenuous jobs that damage his body(he has some medical conditions as well, but pushes his body past the limit). I asked if he would be interesting in running the business with me when I get there, and he said yes, which is cool. I also asked if he was willing to be a househusband when we have kids, and he doesn't mind(I don't expect him to work with me if he's busy tending our kids). I kind of want to go back into the career field this time around. Right now, he's willing to be the one who is the main provider, while I settle some things.

 ❝ With the DVT, my doctor then, said it was an unprovoked case. So, after the cycle of medications, and having a final ultrasound done, I was told that there's scar tissue at my ankle. I've done some research myself, and found out that for those who have had a DVT incident once, the risks of getting it again are higher. That is why now, when I'm working at home, sitting at my computer all day.. that I do try to get up and walk about a bit more, or stretch out my legs (like using the washroom on the second floor, or going out into the kitchen to get more water). But then, knowing that the DVT happened because of those birth control pills, now that I'm on the IUD, the risks have been lowered. But I think, if I were to take a long flight somewhere, that I would need to be wearing my compression socks and get up and walk around on the plane to prevent clots. ❞

How has it been lately in terms of the DVT? Has the doctor been able to find more solutions to prevent the pain?

❝ The new Cdramas I'm watching now, I choose ones where I like the leads. So, most of them are good. I like both historical, martial art based, fantasy, and modern genres. Just basically any genre with male and/or female leads that I like, I will watch. 

Going to China.. with that job application I've been sending off on a monthly-basis since January 1st, 2024. It's to an Entertainment Company, founded by one of the Chinese Idols I admire, he established his own company back in Oct. 2020. Although there had been no job posting of needing an English Teacher, my job application is more like a job offer of this position. Of course, I've listed reasons why I believe it's needed. Back in 2021, he posted globally, recruiting people who wants to become trainees under his company, and back then, there was an email that he posted for candidates to email their auditions into. So, looking back at the posters, I've copied down that email address, and had been using that to send off my job offer. I haven't received any email that it had been rejected, so, it's just a matter of having him check that email and seeing my job offer and see if he agrees with what I've presented in the Cover Letter and email content. Since January 1st of this year, I've been sending off the job offer on the last day of every month, thinking that he may be in China when he opens the email, that it will be the mornings of the 1st of the month. 

As to traveling to China, the only planned travel, is if he accepts my job offer. Otherwise, I don't think I'll be choosing to travel there for vacation purposes. My parents have a very negative outlook on the political end of the China, so even with this job offer I've been sending, I haven't mentioned one word about it to my family. I don't plan on saying anything, unless he accepts my job offer. That way, my parents can't say no. My parents know that I've always had a dream of teaching English in a foreign country, at first, I was aiming for Seoul. But, realized that South Korea's requirement to register for a work visa, that I need to have a Degree or Diploma of some sort. Which I have neither. But with China, it may be a bit different, as Chinese myself, and his Entertainment Company is like his own private business, I think to work there is much easier, even without education level of a Degree or Diploma. At least I have the TEFL Certificate completed. As a dream career, and my reasons I think why his company needs me (an English Teacher), that in itself is enough. And he could act like a Sponsor for me to work for him. Of course, all this thinking is the most ideal. I often spend my time daydreaming about meeting him for job interviews, and daydream about what happens on a typical day as an English teacher in his company in China will be like. Just thinking about that, it puts a smile on my face. 

Do you play acoustic guitar? Isn't there like a silencer thing that you can place on the strings, so that when you strum it, it softens the sound? ❞

Sounds like watching C-Dramas has been a great way to unwind! :) Any news on the job application or the job in China? Have they responded yet? It sounds like a really neat opportunity! Have you already applied for other English-teaching jobs online on iTalki, Cambly, Preply, or VIPkid? I'm still working on these real estate classes...turns out, I'm taking too many notes haha. I'm reducing my notes down to just key terms and practice quiz questions. The classes are going by faster now. I don't have a silencer, but I'll see if my older brother might (all of my siblings and I play instruments, but I think they have some fancier gear than me due to me moving around to much). I had a violin, clarinet, and piano(synthesizer) at one point, but had to either sell or give them away. Can't travel with everything. The only thing I have now is an acoustic guitar that my partner bought for me on my b-day.

❝So, for the 2 days of 8 hours.. L ended up paying me $100 in total.. We're both not sure how much the pay should be.. and if it's the same as when someone looks after their dog when the owners are away.. because, although I was at her place watching over her dog.. letting him out to sun bathe whenever he rings the bell.. L is still in the home.. she's just working and having meetings behind closed doors.. So L is still there, but I'm just there to watch over him.. he likes bathing in the sun, I've let him out many times all morning.

L was asking if I could look after Timmy on my days off, I told her I'm okay to stay until her husband returns from work on weekdays. L says her husband, P, usually gets home by 2pm. She also asked me to ask around at work, see what others usually pay to look after their furry friends.. I had another nurse ask me before if I liked cats.. as she'd like me to stay over at her place while she's on vacation and look after her cat.. but, I'm not a cat person.. so, I didn't accept the offer.. I was thinking maybe I could ask her about the rates. But if I ask her, would it suddenly sound like I'm interested in pet/house-sitting her cat when she's on vacation?

I told L, I'm okay with whatever amount she gives. It's both of our first times (her, to offer, and me to dogsit). 

Honestly, after being at home for the past month, mostly working on my Publishing business.. it feels weird to needing to return to work.. Like mentioned before, I think it's mainly because I know what I'm getting myself back into.. working with that new temporary colleague that I collide with.. Just thinking about it is stressful enough.. And I had been so used to being able to take naps in the afternoon to recover lost sleep at night.. now that I need to be working instead.. really don't know how it'll go tomorrow. 

Wish me luck!~❞

How has the dog-sitting been going? Are you thinking of finding more clients to dog-sit? Furthermore, to that coworker who has a cat -- did you let her down easy and let her know that you have more experience dog-sitting rather than cat-sitting? To see what the common rates are for dog sitting, maybe check on https://www.care.com/ or you can google search "Average dog sitting rates in Vancouver, Canada"? At least it'll sorta give you a ballpark on how much to charge an hour.

Last Thursday, my mum and I had a long discussion in my computer room. I made both of us ice coffee to enjoy during the conversation.

It was basically voicing her concerns again about me.. about my current unstable (income and no benefits) job at the hospital, the Publishing Business, and my life in general. So, she wants to me to give it my all for the Publishing business, give me a year's time, to see if I can be successful enough to replace my income. She says my current job (and I know for a fact also), is not long-term, because it's not full-time, and I don't have benefits, and the type of work, is more like for those who are planning to work until retirement.. I'm too young to be doing that kind of work. As for my life in general, she says my current lifestyle is not the average women in her mid to late 30s, and it's more like I'm stuck in the high school era. That it's not normal that I'm always at home.. and never going out. She says both her and dad often talk about me, and is worried about my lack of responsibilities in our household and fear that I do not how to be independent. She goes on that she's worried that I might become homeless and live on the streets once they go.. As she doesn't know if I'll be willing to live with my brother, nor if he wants me to tag along.. Plus, she goes on to say, what if he remarries, and the wife doesn't want me to live with them.. But then, she did say that she's not rushing me to meet someone or to get married.. but honestly, as I've mentioned before.. I know that deep down inside, I long for a relationship, whether that be as a husband, or partner, I know I want that kind of life for my future. 

So, we sat down with my brother the past Saturday, and we discussed about the Publishing Business. As it was his idea, and his wish that I can succeed and either help out with my unstable income or replace it altogether. My mum wants to treat it as a business.. She claims that she's the COO, my brother as the CEO, and I'm the President. We left dad out, because he's such a negative type of person.. so, during our meeting, he was dealing with weeds in our backyard.

Anyways, my mum says she wants to hold this type of meeting weekly, to see how my progress is. We set a goal of making 5 more coloring books for this month. My brother wants us to start the 30k book in August (he says we each should work on one), as our 6-month coaching subscription expires by end of October. 

So, trying to be disciplined with myself.. play less mobile games and focusing on the books. I'll also have to arrange time in the day to work on it, when I do have shifts for work.

So, the latest news from my Aunts about grandma.. Apparently she's been in-and-out of the hospital. She was first discharged and returned to her senior's home.. but because the senior's home does not have oxygen tanks for her to use, when she seemed to have difficulty breathing, they returned her to the hospital. According to her doctor though, there isn't anything else wrong with her, so, she doesn't really need to "stay" in the hospital for treatment. But now, considering how she sometimes have difficulty catching her breath, this back-and-forth, to-and-from the senior's home-to-hospital is not very ideal too.. So, we'll have to wait and see what the doctors at the hospital say..

I also heard my mum talk on the phone with my Aunt yesterday, or was that the day before.. Anyways, I also asked her about it.. She says she would still like to go back and visit before she goes on her Cruise trip in mid-September.. so, she's considering to go back like in mid-August.. she says she's afraid that her mum will suddenly pass while they are on the cruise. She doesn't want to have regrets or miss the chance to see her mum while she's still healthy. She explained to her sister that her heart feels heavy and uneasy, if she doesn't go see her mum now. The Aunt who live in the States says she's not returning this year. At first, my mum was worried about what her sisters would think.. like, if my mum were to return and my Aunt in the States doesn't.. she feels that her sisters in HK will think bad things about them.. as my mum and Aunt are the only siblings that live overseas from HK. So, I told my mum.. just follow your own heart, do what you feel is right. If Aunt doesn't want to return to visit her mum because they went back to see her last November together, and she doesn't feel the need because grandma is not in any urgent condition, then, that's her thoughts.

My Aunt in the States, amongst all my mum's siblings, she's the one most educated, she had even went to England for her University Studies (where she met her husband). The other siblings, my mum included, some didn't even finish high school. So, with my Aunt, she has her own principles and disciplines and acts accordingly. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

My brother's University friend will be coming over to our place tonight for a sleepover. He came from Washington, DC. My brother hired him to work remotely earlier this year, and he has been here for the past week and held meetings along with other colleagues from England. He will be coming over to our place later this afternoon, my brother plans to take him out and walk around the neighbourhood, we have a street that is like a brewery district, so, my brother will take him to different breweries. At first, we were planning to have a BBQ at our place, but last night, my brother realized that this friend's appetite has grown, so, he's afraid that we'll have to buy too much food to feed him.. So, my mum suggested that my brother should just take him out for dinner.. have sushi or something. He's only staying for one night, then, my brother will drive him out to the Airport for a 1pm flight to the East Coast.. where he's meeting his sister in Toronto as they visit a cousin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, I have 4 weeks of shifts starting tomorrow. This week, I'll be working the morning shift, starting at 0730, I was supposed to do a 1200 shift on Friday, but the past Friday, a colleague asked if I could work her 0630 shift, as she has a doctor's appointment booked in the morning. I agreed, since I'm already working a 0730 shift Mon - Thurs, starting an hour earlier doesn't make much difference. Then, the week after, I'll be working a 1200 shift, Mon - Wed, then, a 0730 shift, Thurs/Fri. Then, back to the 1200 shift the next two weeks. Then, I'm off the week of Aug. 19th (I had a choice whether or not to work this week, I declined it, because it's my dad's birthday on the Friday, and since the shifts were given as a block, I declined the whole week). Then, I'm back to the 0730 shift from Aug. 26th to Sept. 6th. Then, off the next week, then, work the next two weeks.

Honestly though, I'm not looking forward to this week's work.. Because it means that I'll be stuck with the colleague I don't get along with all morning.. as she's starts her shift at 0630. Dreading going to work tomorrow, I haven't slept well last night.. I tried going to bed earlier (not watch my dramas too late), ended up sleeping around 2-3am.. then, woke up at 5am, 7am, and 9am.. I finally got out of bed around 10am and went to take a shower.. but, my eyes now.. it's only just past noon, and I already feel like going back to bed. I'm so sleepy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

So earlier in the month, I asked my cousin for a favor. The one in the States, if she could buy a coloring book and I'll reimburse her in return for a good review. At first, she said she had a friend who may also be interested, and will leave a review if I reimburse her too. I agreed to both of them. I just received a message from her, she says 3 of her coworkers saw her coloring, and are interested to purchase and asked if I can reimburse them in exchange for a review! I went to tell my brother, and he was like.. try and tell her in a nice way that we don't want to reimburse her coworkers. So, I messaged her back: telling her that I'm happy to hear that her coworkers are interested in buying the book. But currently, our book hasn't made any profits yet, as each purchased book, most of the money is given to Amazon, and that we spend a lot of money on Ads previously, so we have not profit from any of our sales yet. As a cousin, I will reimburse her and her friend as a gift and favor from them. But, if her coworkers are interested in buying the book, that's good, but I don't want to be like I'm "buying" reviews from them.. I'm glad she has coworkers interested in buying the book after seeing her coloring it, but if you think about it, if her whole company saw her coloring, and she asks me for their reimbursements in exchange for a review.. I'll definitely be losing a lot more money than I'll be earning from each purchase. So, I got a reply from her.. she was like, she's glad she checked me with.. and she'll ask her close friend if she's still willing to make that purchase.. and she says her friend will make a video review.. So, phew.. I've reimbursed my cousin already.. I'm actually already losing money.. because of the exchange rate.. I'm paying her in Canadian.. like it's nearly $10 more than the sale of the book in USD tax included. She sent me a picture of what she has colored and asked if it'll be a good one to post with a review.. I showed my brother.. he says she's actually good with coloring.. knowing the shading while she colors. Even I wouldn't have colored it with shades.. lolz.. maybe that's why I haven't ever bought coloring books in the past the requires shading. 

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How have you been lately? How is your son doing? Are the two of you staying out of the house as much as possible, away from your toxic mother?

Just a short one today. You know how I watch my dramas in bed at night.. well, my mum discovered it last night.. because I wear earphones, I didn't hear her knocking on my door.. I didn't notice her until she opened my door and poked her head in.. lolz.. she was like "I was knocking for like a couple of minutes with no response.. I saw what you're doing, careful of your eyes".. anyways, she just wanted to tell me to just pull out the garbage bin to the curb this morning before I leave for work. She said dad will deal with the recycle bins, as they are inside the garage and may require him to move a car out.

We had to move our Greens bin inside the garage, as we've been seeing bears around our area this summer. Actually saw a teenage bear last week, trying to break open the garbage bin from the house across from us. Didn't succeed, but they have been around. I guess when he/she was a cub, mama bear showed them about going through the garbage bins for food scraps.

Out food scraps/Greens bin, have locks on them.. so, if people sorted the food scraps out properly and not have just thrown it in the garbage bins, then bears shouldn't be going through the garbage for food.

Working the morning shifts this week, I haven't been sleeping so well.. even when I'm only watching my dramas until midnight or so, sometimes I still have trouble falling asleep. The day before, I woke up like 3 minutes before my alarm.. and this morning, I woke up just after 4am but went back to sleep until my alarm at 5:45am.

I also haven't been needing to nap when I get home from work.. I usually need the nap if I work the 6:30am shift though.. but I'm doing the 7:30am shift now. Will be doing the early morning one on Friday. But since it'll be the weekend.. maybe I could just sleep in the next day rather than taking a nap after work.

We'll see.

Missed chatting with you though. Hope all is well ð¥°

The past Friday, news about my grandma was she was getting low saturation levels and was back in the hospital.. was discharged again yesterday.. but with her unstable condition, my parents have made the immediate decision to return to HK asap. So, they fly back today, took a morning flight, and will stay for a month. Flights and hotel stay was all made over the past weekend. It's the quickest packing my mum has ever done.

I get teary just thinking about losing grandma soon or suddenly. I was going to give my Manager a heads up today, but turns out she took a vacation day. So, I'll have to let her know tomorrow.

When Grandma first had her heart attack and I heard about the news on Friday night after I got home from work (end of June).. I went to work the next week and was already on the verge of a breakdown with sleepless nights. So, if Grandma really goes suddenly, I think I'll need time off from work to grieve.. working through that week was already very difficult. Now, it's just plainly worrying when she'll crash. The Aunts already signed an agreement to not resuscitate her if her condition declines. So, it's really hard to tell when she'll go now. As medication is all the doctors can give her whenever she returns to the hospital.

She's healthy otherwise, so it's really an unknown factor at the moment. My mum went back to spend more time with her mum, as these could be her last moments. My parents go on a cruise starting Sept 21st, so she wants to spend time with her mum while she's still in good health. And my mum wouldn't feel as regretful if Grandma passes during their cruise trip.

I'm saddened I can't go see Grandma.. no money, and plane tickets and accommodation is so expensive. I guess the next time I go and visit, will be at the grave to see both Grandpa and Grandma.

Received a message from my mum tonight, 5pm our time.. Grandma passed away last night, HK time.. My parents arrived in HK around 3pm, then Grandma passed at night.. I'm so glad my mum went back and spent the last moments with her mum.. no regrets there..

I told my Manager at the beginning of my shift on Tuesday that on the last weekend of June, our family received the news that Grandma had a heart attack. I went to work that week and it was very hard. As I was on the verge of a breakdown and I went to work only because we were short-staffed.. but I told my Manager, if and when Grandma passes, I'll need to take time off. Even if I'm unable to fly back to HK, I still need time to grieve.

I couldn't believe it. I told my Manager around 1pm, got the news from my mum around 5pm.. it was so sudden.. but in the back of my mind, I kinda knew Grandma won't have ling to live.. the past weekend, she returned to the hospital because of low saturation levels.. so, I kind of expected it won't be long before she goes.. at the same time though, I thought she'd react well to the medications and live on for a couple more months.

I hope to see Grandma in my dreams, let me say my goodbyes to her.

I had a phone call chat with my mum this past Monday. It was nearly an hour long! She told me the details of Grandma passing, that it was painless and she passed away in her sleep. Doctors certified her passing at 1:40am. My mum says, her eldest sister, spoke in Grandma's ear, as her breathing slows down, that all the siblings will continue to unite and get along with each other. That they will continue to meet up with each other, and to let Grandma know that she can leave with no worries. My mum says all the siblings were at her bedside, (except for my 5th Aunt, she went on a cruise to Alaska). I'm so glad my mum made it back in HK into time for Grandma's last moments. My mum arrived at 3pm on Monday in HK, Grandma passed that night. My mum said that her breathing began slowing down around midnight, but the doctor waited until the heart monitor doesn't show any more pulse, before certifying her passing. That's why it wasn't until 1:40am.

So, I was able to sleep better after that phone call with my mum, which is nice. Not waking up around 4am anymore. But I think that I'll still be anxious and a little moody until Grandma has reunited with Grandpa. Her funeral/memorial is set for Aug. 17/18th. Today, I texted my mum of the message I wanted to leave for Grandma, then, my dad suggested I mail my own card with the message. So, I went out late afternoon to inquire about the delivery, and with express post, it still takes 6 business days, so it won't arrive in time. The other problem is that upon arrival, it usually needs to be signed, but you know how HK is.. they are all like apartment buildings, and many people aren't home during the day to receive parcels.

So, the only other way is that my mum will buy the card there, write the message on my behalf, and put it with Grandma, either by the flowers or the enclosure cubicle where her and Grandpa will be.

So, I went out today, even went to my favorite Korean restaurant for dinner before coming home. It was a nice "me" time.. Eating my favorite cuisine, my favorite dish.. (My brother was home, I didn't invite him because he said he was having a headache when I left the house). The only thing is, when I was leaving the mall, passing by the outer entrance of a store, I actually bumped into a colleague (nurse) as she was on the way out into the parking lot. So her husband kept walking to the car, and she stopped and chatted.

This morning, I received an email from the OR Front Desk lady, saying that I didn't call through the Absence Reporting System for my days away this week. Which would mean that it's a no-show. But I replied saying, "I have the email confirmation from the System saying that I had called. I called the System on Saturday, so the notification might have been missed in your emails. (She had cc'd the email to me, my Manager, and the Program Clerk, I sent the reply to All) I would forward the confirmation email as proof, but it doesn't allow me to do so. But I did call through the Reporting System, and left the voice message indicating that." After about an hour, the Program Clerk replies and says that she does have my record. Said because I chose "Other" as the reason that it will be unpaid. I replied to her only, that, "As a Casual, the only leave I get paid is the 5 sick days per year, which I believe I've used up this year already. I've verified with my Union Rep that there are no other type of leaves for a Casual that is paid. I only chose "Other" because I don't know what else to choose as the reason for grieving."

So, I guess because the OR Desk lady thinks that I didn't call through the System, she must've told all the colleagues about my absence for the week. So, with this nurse I bumped into, she was like, "So I heard you've called in sick this week.".. So, I just told her my Grandma passed away and I needed time off to grieve. It was easier to tell her, as we're both Chinese, so we spoke Cantonese. She seemed to be more understanding, when I told her that I couldn't afford the flight and accommodation back to HK to attend the funeral, as it's super expensive at the moment, and it'll be like a last minute booking. I told her I needed time off to grieve. I said I'll return to work next week, as I can't afford to take more time off. So, we parted ways with "See you next week then".

I'm just texting my other nurse colleague/friend (the one I helped watch over her dog before, I went to spend time with her dog for one morning last Friday too. I asked her last Wednesday, if I could go over to her place either Thursday or Friday to spend time with her dog, to treat it as dog therapy. She said she's free on Friday, so I spend my morning there. From 7:30am to 12:30pm, she prepared a simple lunch for me, and I walked with her to the vet to get her puppy some medication, before parting ways. I did park my car at her place, but I had to buy something myself first. When I returned to get my car, I saw her, her son, and the puppy about a block's distance in front of me. I saw them enter her building), telling her I bumped into a nurse at the mall. She asked me how I felt when I was asked about my absence. So, I said it felt okay, since we're both Chinese, I felt it was easier for her to understand my situation as a granddaughter. So this friend suggested that when I return to work on Monday, to see how things go. If I'm still feeling that I'm not ready to work yet, then, I can continue to call in sick. As she says the time of grieving is different for everybody, that there is no set time frame of how long one person needs to grieve for. She says to take it one day at a time.

So, I think I'll see how it goes on Monday when I return to work. I'll try and mentally prepare myself over the next few days, and see what happens when I return to work on Monday. If I still feel emotionally unstable or too overwhelmed, then, I might have to continue to taking more days off. 

My brother went into the office this morning, so I was able to have some "me" time at home, playing on my piano for a couple of hours. Which was nice, it's been a long time since I've played. Especially since COVID, with my brother remotely working at home, I can't play it during the day when I'm not working, because he's upstairs having meetings. The piano will be too noisy. So, he is to go into the office again tomorrow (Friday), which then, will give me time in the mornings again to play. I should've thought of this earlier when I first heard the news of Grandma passing. But, even so, my brother didn't take time off, I still wouldn't have been able to play at home while he's working anyways. It's a good "me" time to spend, my piano is right by the front door, where there are glass windows (from the floor up), so I'm getting sunlight as I sit on the piano chair, but at the same time, not having the sun shine directly on my piano itself. 

I'd better get ready for sleep now.. it's almost 10pm here. I didn't sleep well last night, I'm thinking maybe my bedroom was too hot.. although I have the fan turned on.. I couldn't sleep until after 3am.. then, my alarm was first set for 6:45am, because the night before, my brother told me that he'll be leaving for work early, and he doesn't want to take the garbage out that early. In case of bears roaming around the neighborhood. Then, I received a text message from him just past 7am, saying that when he went out, he said some houses already have the garbage and recycling out on the curb, so, he said he'll take it out instead. Which I then thanked him, and I went back to sleep until 9am. Otherwise, I had planned to go back to sleep after taking the garbage out. But since he could, I just went back to sleep. I should've taken a nap today, but I kept myself busy with my business, so by the time I realized I should take it nap, it was almost 4pm. That's when my mum messaged me about buying my own card..

Hey..

I hope all is well with you.. It's been a long time since you were able to give a response.

A lot has gone on with me, since my grandma passed. I haven't been able to work, I took the first two weeks of August off, then, tried to return to work.. bad idea, only ended up working Mon - Wed, then, had to call it in for Thurs and Fri.. Spoke with my Manager, and she has given me time off until Aug. 30th. Then, I'll keep her updated on my situation..

I'm just too sad to focus at work, and colleagues aren't very kind with their words towards me. So, remember that colleague/friend I have that has a puppy? I went over to her place again last Thursday, spend like half a day with her and her family.. was there from 11am - 7pm. She suggested that we could join a support group (she lost her father 4 years ago and is still grieving), called GriefShare.. that is held at her church. I asked her, if it's a religious thing, and she says no. So, I've signed up for it, but it doesn't start until Sept. 17th.. and runs until Dec. 17th, once a week, every Tuesday, from 7pm - 9pm. 

In the meantime, my brother suggests I look for a counsellor.. Asked my mum about her thoughts, she agrees. So, I found a place close to home, just down the hill, a 10-15mins drive away. So, I filled out the questionnaire online, and have booked for a phone-call consultation for this Thursday morning. So, I'll see where that takes me.. See if I can meet with someone right away.. 

I haven't been sleeping well, waking up at 4am every day, no matter what time I fell asleep.. Sometimes, woken from nightmares.. the other day, I took a nap in the afternoon, woken up from a nightmare, with a dog attacking me.. jumped at me, I fell back on the sofa, using all my strength to push his growling face away from me.. it was my brother's dog, so, I called out to my brother to come rescue me.. 

Overall, just feeling too sad to do anything.. let alone, go to work and be able to concentrate.. Not having the best appetite.. when my brother works in the office, I've been playing on my piano for a couple of hours again.. I can't say it helps a whole lot, because I notice, I still continue to frown..

I just want to sleep all day.