˚⋆˗ˏˋ☕︎ˎˊ˗ Cog & Jae's Lounge ˗ˏˋ☕︎ˎˊ˗⋆˚
⋆˚✿˖°☕︎ ⋆˚✿˖°𝓦𝓮𝓵𝓬𝓸𝓶𝓮 𝓲𝓷! ⋆˚✿˖°☕︎ ⋆˚✿˖°
This space is for @Jaeteuk and ImpudentIncognito to catch up and chat!
How have you been doing Jae? What is new with you?
I'll be responding to your other post here in a moment Jae.
I hope your day is going well so far!☻☺
Cog? Are you okay? Another month has passed and I still haven't heard from you.
Thought I'd give you an update about me.
So, I ended up finding a counsellor, and had my first session Aug. 23rd, and my second session yesterday, Sept. 6th. With my next session Sept. 20th.. it's every other week, as my counsellor is only at this clinic on Fridays. So, she's quite booked. Without insurance, it's out of my pocket.. the price will increase by Sept. 12.. it is now $160/50min session, increased to $170/50min session. I saw my GP's locum last Thursday, and told him about my grieving, not working since Aug. and is off September, told him about started to see a counsellor, the lack of appetite and restless sleeps, afraid that my depression is kicking in, told him I joined a group support for Grief, that starts Sept. 17th.. I asked him the difference with seeing a counsellor vs a Psychologist. He says, counsellors usually only have a Master's Degree and Psychologists are PhD's.. That counsellors give therapy treatments, and Psychologists can diagnose. He suggests that I do a follow-up appointment every month to see my grieving progress.. he doesn't suggest seeing a psychologist until after 3 months.. depending on whether my symptoms worsen or persists as it is now.. So, I've booked an appointment with him on his last day as the locum on Sept. 26th.. Then, my GP should return by October.. Then, he sent a referral somewhere and told me I could get 6 free counselling sessions, at first, he told me I might not hear from them until 3 months later.. I got a call from them Sept. 4th, saying they received a referral and told me the counsellor will call me to arrange for appointments. So, I told her, I'll be out of town next week, and won't be back until Sept. 15th. Since, I didn't get a call from them on Thursday or Friday, I'm guessing the counsellor will call me after I return from the Cruise.
So, my dad will be driving us to the port Sunday morning.. I'll be packing the suitcase today.. Just need to choose the right shoes to match the new clothes my mum bought for me to wear on the cruise. My mum and brother went out this morning.. says they're looking at something, so, I'll probably start packing in the afternoon when she's home.. She has more experience in packing than I, so, I'll wait for her.
Honestly though, with this grieving stage, I'm not excited for the cruise.. I rather feel I might waste the dining part of the trip, with the lack of appetite.. of course, unless the getaway helps me feel better, then, my appetite might return.. So, we'll see how things go.
Oh yea.. remember that guy I was talking about? The one I've known for 20 years, and first met online? Well, it's confirmed he's coming over to attend a friend's wedding. He arrives the 12th and leaves early morning of the 19th. With the wedding on the 14th, and he has to go to Calgary to see his Aunt for one day. So, we've planned to go on dates when I return from my Cruise.. He wants me to stay overnight in the hotel with him.. mainly because we have so little time to see each other, and I live an hour drive away from the hotel he booked.. So, if he comes pick me up and drops me off.. that would already take up at least 2 hours away.. So, during the cruise, I plan to test the waters with my mum.. see what she thinks about him.. and me meeting him for dates.. then, see what she thinks about staying overnights with him.. If she wants to meet him first, just to see what's he's like.. to make sure he doesn't go overboard with me.. Then, we'll have to arrange for them to meet.. And I figure, if my mum doesn't allow me to stay overnights with him.. if he gets angry about that.. then, he's not the guy for me, right?.. Then, we should just stay friends and make sure he doesn't try to get physical with me.. But I was thinking, since I do have an IUD.. even if we do it (protected way), he can't get me pregnant right?.. A couple of weeks ago.. he told me, of the other women he has dated, he had only thought about having a kid with me.. I did tell him though, I don't like kids.. and stopped having the thought of wanting a kid in my early 30s.. But I tell myself, if my future husband loves me a lot, and really loves kids and will be a good family guy, then, I'll reconsider then, but only after marriage.. and not get me pregnant before getting married. That's why I haven't chosen in getting surgery to stop my heavy periods and resorted to using the IUD instead. I remember my Gynaecologist had asked me before.. if I still wanted children when we were discussing treatments for my heavy periods if I don't choose to use the IUD.. I told her, I'd like to keep the option open for now..
But I told this guy, we need to make a decision this time we meet about our relationship.. Because if we change our relationship status to bf/gf, long-distance relationships will not work.. I'm not thinking of moving over to Toronto where he lives now, so, unless he moves back here.. to become bf/gf as a long-distance relationship, I do not agree.. So, if no decision is made this time, I'm not going to wait another 10 years for him to decide.. He did say there are things he wants to tell me face-to-face, so, I'll just wait and see what he wants to tell me, or maybe he already made a decision. He told me he has a long-term illness, Crohn's Disease, so he was like, if we become a couple, I'll need to live with his illness.. He also told me, I'm the only girl he revealed this Disease to.. So for me, I'm thinking.. if we aren't able to become bf/gf relationship, and he's not going to move back here to maintain our relationship.. then, I'm not going to wait for him..
So, on the cruise with my mum.. I'll also mention to her about my thoughts.. If no decision is made, I'll ask my mum to ask her friend.. Remember that my mum's friend has a son-in-law, that had 2 single friends?.. One is his best friend, and another as a colleague?.. If it doesn't work out with this guy, I'm going to tell my mum to let her friend know about seeing if she could arrange for us to meet. You know, with a blink of the eye, I'll be 40 in a few years.. I really don't want to be too old before I meet someone and get married. At one point, I had put all my hopes on this guy, but since we've known each other for 20 years already, and still in the friends stage.. if our meetup this time doesn't not move forward.. I'm just going to stay friends with him.
On the cruise, I also plan to discuss with my mum about my career.. Because with my current position, I'll never get the chance to get a full-time position, because I do not have a lot of hours worked.. Staff who applies to full-time positions have at least 30,000 hours worked.. I have 7,000 - 8,000 hours only, so I'll never be able to compete with them for a full-time position.. especially when I'll have 2 colleagues retiring in about 2-3 years later. Also, with the grieving, I feel if I return to work, I cannot do a full week.. maybe just work Wed - Fri.. But, not sure if my Manager will allow that.. Or maybe, I should just quit the hospital, and spend full-time on my Publishing.. and push for success this way instead.. Because after September, I still won't know if I can return to work by October.. or how long this grieving process will affect my daily life for..
Are you still at your mother's place? Or in the process of moving out? How is your son doing? You should've finished your course by now, right? Have you started working then?
Hello Jae! Sorry I was gone for so long, I got into a physical altercation with my toxic "ovary donor" (I can't even consider her my mother) yesterday. She grabbed me yesterday and before she could try hitting me, I shoved her off me and was recording her the entire time (albeit, via audio, couldn't do video at the time, since I was on a call with my long distance partner on a social media platform... She's been becoming more verbally and physically abusive overtime, and I'm trying to protect my son and myself. I plan on escaping at the end of November since I recently got a remote job that pays weekly -- which is when I will probably be more active on here...When I'm more at peace. For the moment, I am not and I plan on going no contact with my entire abusive family. I'm sick and tired of them and the abuse I have to endure.
I will respond to your other letters soon, hopefully by this weekend...Thank you for your patience with me.
It's so nice to hear from you! I saw that you've responded earlier, but I didn't want to check your message as I was on my way out to attend my Group Support session. Now that I'm home, I was looking forward to see your post. I'm sorry to hear your family (mother) had not changed any of her habits towards you and continues to be highly abusive.
The end of November seems like a long time, are you able to get out sooner? How are you and your partner doing? Take your time in responding to my previous posts, no rush, no pressure. I'm just happy to hear from you.
@ImpudentIncognito
@Jaeteuk Hey thanks! How have the Group Support Sessions been going? Unfortunately, I am not able to get out sooner than November. Initially, I was planning on moving towards the end of January or end of February, then she escalated at one point, so I moved it to December, and now she escalated MORE, so I plan on moving towards the end of November instead for the sake of both son and my mental & physical health...
Just this morning, I heard her complaining to my oldest brother about some peers who grow up in the same town as me. She was saying how those kids were calling the cops or some sort of department for child protection on their parents for beating them up, and my mother was agreeing that the parents should beat them and that the kids are just whiny and ungrateful. Those parents are from the same Latin American country as my mother, and it's common for our elders to hit us and beat us...
I don't agree with it though. I think she purposely said that outloud for me to hear, because she ends it on "Now they probably regret that their mother has died after everything she's done for them".
It makes me SICK with the way that twisted woman talks. I honestly HATE her with every fiber and being -- and I'm starting not to recognize myself. I'm wasting too much time on a time consuming emotion. I used to be indifferent to her, since I was mostly no contact and living my own life -- now it's miserable here...
I did end up seeing an old child hood friend who lives maybe 30-45mins away from my mothers house and she mentioned being estranged from her mother for about 3 months, so that's when I opened up about mine...but friend went silent after. I only said "I feel you, I have to leave [city] soon because my mother got physical with me, and I haven't talked to her in YEARS. I plan on cutting her off again. I'm planning on moving to [state] by the end of this month." -- but my childhood friend didn't respond after that for 2 days....I might have trauma dumped by mentioning that, but oh well. She does have 2 kids, a step kid, and is pregnant right now, so I won't take it personal. She's probably busy.
I'm honestly awful with texting and kind of hate it haha...Just so many bad experiences with it honestly... I like long form messages, like here on the forums.
The Group Sessions are great.. it's a 13-week program, as we watch videos and I bought the workbook.. We'd watch a video, and then have a discussion.. It's just so much better to be around others who are grieving for a loss, whether it be 15 years ago, 7 years ago, or this year.. Just how I tell my counsellors and GP that going to group is like a breathing hole for me.. as in my family (parents and brother), I'm the only member grieving for the loss of Grandma.. So, it feels very lonely at home and I can't really talk about it..
It's so sad to hear that it's a common habit for elders to hit their children.. I don't understand how they can feel proud of doing it.. I guess it has been passed down by your mother's parents too.. so, learning from her parents, that is how she feels she should treat you as well.. Do they only beat daughters or sons too? It's like the norm for them.
Maybe that childhood friend is not experiencing the same type of abuse from her mother than you are from yours.. I would think that because she's pregnant, a beating from her mother may end up in a miscarriage or it would harm the baby.. But it does sound like she's got a lot on her plate to juggle with..
I'm guessing you've finished your real estate course by now.. and found a job in the field? I'm glad you've moved the month ahead to end of November to move out.. next year's January and February doesn't sound like it will be good for you and your son.
@ImpudentIncognito
✤Your Mother's Plan✤
Honestly, I am also rooting for you to be successful in the publishing business -- Since you mentioned it is something you are passionate about and wanting to do. How have the weekly meetings been going with your mother (and brother)? How did you feel about the things that your mother said to you? To be honest, maybe it is a cultural thing on some of the things you mentioned. My mother is from a Latin American country, and it is common to live with your parents until you are married in her home country. I'm a rebel though, and she immigrated here, to this English-speaking country that my dad lives. It is more common in my dad's country to be out of the house as soon as you are legal age/graduate high school. It's a different culture. I left as soon as I graduated high school at the top 10% of class...I had a lot of hopes and dreams. Did a lot of stupid crap in my 20s with partying and hanging around the wrong crowd...but things have changed.
To be frank, I do not see anything wrong with staying inside. Just kind of depends where you are in life, I suppose? I was used to working remotely AND also being the head of my household with the father of my son (FoS for short). I stayed in a lot to keep the house together and well...FoS was abusive and an alcoholic, so I left him...He made my medical issues worse, so I couldn't really go out as much, and ended up finding my current partner online.
Prior to that, FoS was my neighbour that I met and was in a long-term relationship for 3-4 years (and 1st relationship), and "Mr. High Maintenance" or Mr. HM for short(2nd ex, if I can even call him that), was someone I met through my younger brother and dated for maybe 8-9 months before he randomly ghosted me and did something awful. I used to date people I met in real life and preferred it back then, but now I don't lol. Only due to the fact that I can filter the people out online, and if necessary...do a background check on them and make sure they're a safe person to be around...).
I feel you on the focusing more...I've been trying to focus on getting some more certifications. All I have left to do for real estate is the exam (but I have to fly and find time to do that while son is watched -- when partner moves in with me, he'll be able to watch son while I fly out of state...).
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📖Book Business📖
I think that's AWESOME sauce that your cousin was able to find people to do reviews for you!!! I'm excited to see where you'll end up going! Are you planning on leaving your job in the medical field? How have things been career-wise for you?
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🖼Memory of Grandma🖼
I just wanted to start off and say I'm sorry to hear about your loss of your grandmother and wanted to check and see how you've been holding up. What would you say is your favourite memory of your grandmother btw? I think you also mentioned going to her funeral -- did you end up seeing some relatives you haven't seen in a long time? How was that?
You also mentioned going to a Grief Support group -- how has that been for you?
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❤Relationships❤
Sounds like your online friend wants to be serious with you. When will you see him and when will your mother meet him? You mentioned not wanting kids but he does but that you might be open to it -- are you still thinking about it? I guess...I ask because with FoS...he forced having a kid on me, when I wanted to be child-free and "baby trapped" me to be with him.. I knew I had both physical and mental issues. My son has autism, and I'm a single parent with no outside help. The father who wanted to have kids in the first place left because I refused to get back in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic. He was using our kid as leverage.
I love my kid, I just don't think I want more...If I have another biological child, they are more likely to have autism because it runs in the family -- and also blood issues, depression, anxiety, ADHD/ADD, OCD etc are hereditary....I don't know if I also have autism nor ADD/ADHD nor OCD...I never got tested for it like my relatives have, but it would make sense. I might try and get diagnosed at some point and see. Idk if it would help... I just know I got diagnosed with PTSD, depression, and anxiety. I'm just trying to figure out how to be "normal", I guess. It's difficult.
But I digress haha.
In a relationship, what are YOU seeking? Do you feel a close connection with this guy? Do you see this long-term or short-term? (nothing wrong with either way) Also, yeah IUDs are VERY effective. I had one after my son was born and (TMI) when I was in a long term relationship with ex/FoS, I never got pregnant despite no protection. We were actually planning a 2nd kid that would have been 3 years younger than son and I would've taken my IUD out, but never did and I left the abuser instead.
** FoS = Father of Son (I don't like the term "baby daddy" lol sounds kinda....gross...Never got married, he was my ex fiancé technically, but I'm embarrassed because I proposed to that abusive loser, so...I don't wanna refer to him as such and saying ex BF doesn't really make sense either so FoS haha.).
I just feel...idk. I can't think of having another kid right now, and my partner wants one and I told him I'm not sure because of my past. I had to do EVERYTHING with no help with FoS, so we'll see. Also, I would expect current partner to treat his stepson(my son) and our future kids the SAME...so just gonna wait and observe how he is before even considering kids. I just don't have the mental capacity nor physical strength anymore...I honestly don't want to think about kids, even if he brings it up. I'm just worried about making sure current one is safe THEN maybe another kid but idk....Still leaning towards no and would rather work on physical and mental health first.
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Oof, I'm rambling a lot haha. Well, hope your day is going OK! Hopefully I was able to answer most of your letters!
So, the weekly meetings in regards to publishing never happened.. and cousin saying she'd tell her friends to buy the book and leave review, she never got back to me.. But my cousin did buy the book (we reimbursed her the money) and she left a review.. That was good enough, as she also mentioned that it is the revised version.. She even took posted an image.. I tried telling my other cousin about it (the one that my family doesn't like), but I don't think she bought it, nor did she tell her friends about it..
Having lost Grandma August 1st (Hong Kong time) 1am.. my brain hasn't been functioning properly, hence, I took the remaining of the year off from work.. Lately though, I have been thinking about to eventually quit my job at the hospital.. not only because of the conflicts with colleagues, but also knowing that as 2 of them are retiring in the next two years, the staff who are interested in the position and will most likely get it, those people, I also don't get along with.. and also with the fact that because a successful hire is based on seniority hours.. My 7000 hours is nothing compared to 32,000+ hours.. so, for me to get a full-time position there, I do not stand a chance.. I haven't discussed this thought with my family yet.. so, I'm not really sure if they'll agree for me to just focus on publishing and quit my hospital job altogether..
As the hosts from the Grief Group Support says.. many people often end up doing a career change after a loss of loved ones.. and we are told to not make important decisions during our grieving time.. But then, if I'm still unable to work in the New Year.. my Manager will require a doctor's note.. or if I return to work gradually, say, to work only on Mondays, I would probably need to get that doctor's note too.. I chose Mondays because I have Group Sessions on Tuesdays and counselling on Wednesdays.. so, even if something depressing happens at work, I have two days following to vent..
No.. only my parents flew back to Hong Kong to attend Grandma's funeral.. My mum made it back in time, to be there with all her siblings (except for one sister, who ended up going on a cruise instead), to be at Grandma's bedside as she took her last breath.. My parents stayed in HK for a month, helping with the funeral.. At least my mum included a card (with words I wanted to write to Grandma) along with the funeral flowers with names of both my brother and I..
In early September, after my parents came back (they returned in the first week of September).. at the end of August, my mum suggested she take me on an Alaskan cruise, just the two of us.. hoping that a mini vacation will help end the sadness I was feeling for the entire month of August.. So, while she was still in HK, she contacted a travel agent back home and booked the Alaskan cruise.. She we were gone for 2 weeks.. By the time we came back, it was September 15th..
Then, that online guy friend.. he came September 12th to attend his best friend's wedding and left on the 18th.. I spent 2 days after my return from cruise with him.. just having meals together and walking around town.. I'm giving up on us, this boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with him.. is not doable.. I'll just stay friends with him.. the second day I spent with him.. he almost took me to a hotel!.. I refused.. he was a bit upset, but then he also said he wouldn't force me to do something I didn't want to.. but we did stop in front of the hotel, as he figured out where we should go next.. He says he'll come back over here next summer to visit his uncle again.. But honestly, I used to think that we could be in a serious relationship, maybe, 10 years ago.. but now, I don't think so.. When we were talking online, he once told me, of the other women he dated, I was the only person he had thought of wanting to have a kid with.. But he knows that I don't want any.. So, it's not going to work.. So, when I told my mum I'm spending time with him.. she was like, if we're not going to step it up further than just friends, there's no point for her to meet him.. He's also got some medical issues.. that prevents him from working full-time.. so, he probably earns less than me, with that hospital job, even if I'm not full-time either.. he only works 2 jobs, delivering pizza.. and it's not like he works every day either.. On his social media, he always posts pictures of eating at this or that restaurant, or trying new places or going to movies.. He's more play than work, it seems.. So, if we were to become a couple.. and if looking further.. married couple, I'm not sure how we will survive, financially..
It's been a busy week for me.. saw a Dermatologist this morning.. and needing a second round of blood and urine test tomorrow.. (hope it's nothing serious)..
I'm going to go take a nap.. I was awake at 3am this morning.. I don't like how I can only stay asleep for a maximum of 6 hours at night.. so, if I fall asleep early in the night, I'm awake by 3 or 4am.. It's been like this for the past 10 years.. So, it's not like how people say, the older you get, the lesser sleep you end up getting.. 10 years ago, I was only in my late 20s.. weird. It's okay now, because I'm not working at the moment with the grief, so I can take naps whenever..
@ImpudentIncognito
@Jaeteuk Trying to reply to this right now, but 7cups said I wrote something that is censored and blocking me from responding with it...so will redo my reply. Sorry. :(
@Jaeteuk
::Career-Life::
Ah dang, that bites your cousin never got back to you, but I'm glad she left a review for you! I was wondering for the book publishing -- do you and your brother also publish at libraries or bookstores(I forgot, you mentioned it's a colouring book, so a book store may be better)? Or are you guys thinking about promoting your book at maybe some book-related events/conventions? I wonder if that might be a way to get the word out there?
I'm glad you were able to take the remaining of the year off from work to be able to grieve and have time for yourself. It's not easy to lose someone you love, especially so close to you... Also, that's frustrating to have to work with people who make your job harder than it should. I would not blame you for leaving it after your personal time off is up. Did you mention that your mother was hoping for you to go all in on the book business and leave your current job when she requested the weekly meetings? Does she still hold that view? Hopefully she is supportive in whichever direction you choose to go.
::Imp's Career::
I really hope you're able to go full-time with the book publishing business, that honestly sounds amazing. I'm still unsure exactly of what I want to do anymore...but I think it's due to my current situation and feel down lately...I'm still trying to get that real estate license. I finished the classwork, all I have to do is test for school exam and THEN the state exam, and I'm done haha. I get licensed for 2 years in that specific state to sell/buy houses. The only reason it's taking so long is because I live 1,000+ miles AWAY from that state...I currently live in the state of Planaterra, and my license is in Solterra, where my long distance partner is currently living...we used to both live in Solterra, but in different cities. He's currently in Pratignis Urbem and I was in Obscuremonte Civit, we lived only 2 hours apart. Now I'm in the city Flumencivita in the state of Planaterra...I plan on escaping to a nearby state, called Rufupopterra.
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::Escape Plan::
I kind of mentioned this prior, but pretty much I'm hoping to move out by the end of this month from Planterra to Rufupopterra. I can't move out any sooner than that. My mother was surprised to see my computer equipment for work at the house which annoyed me. She didn't think I would ACTUALLY get a job, and I told her I would. I have a feeling she'll try to sabotage me, but my partner (I feel weird to say BF but I'm also not married nor have I proposed yet, so not husband and not fiancé) has said it would be ILLEGAL if she did anything and I can sue her if she purposely sabotages my job...so I'll just keep documenting and keeping my distance.
She has said some other radically crazy things...I was looking through old 7cups posts trying to see how my life lead to where I am now and I FORGOT she said something REALLY concerning to me... Here's the old post: https://www.7cups.com/forum/trauma/General_2433/AcceptinghelpfromanAbuser_323618/
So many red flags about this woman. I really need to go back to therapy honestly....If you don't me asking, how did you find your support group? Did someone refer you or did you search it online "Grief Support Groups"? How did you go about it?
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::Support Group Advice::
That sounds like good advice from the Grief Support group. I find myself making impulsive decisions sometimes...I feel a lot of the time I'm in survival mode and don't have time to just sit and think, just always moving. I was hoping to wait till January to move while I'm working, but for safety purposes, I have decided to move in November...Albeit, I have made some silly impulsive decisions, such as cutting my extremely long hair to shoulder length some months ago, and somewhat regret it, as it took me 4-5 years to get it down to my butt....But it'll grow back. I'll see it as a new start once I go NC with family...I don't want ANYTHING to do with them. I no longer have ANY feelings for my parents NOR my brothers. I feel nothing now. I'm numb and they're merely abusive strangers from my past life.
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::Relationship::
That's nice of your mother to book a mini-vacation with just the two of you after the funeral, especially after a traumatic event happened in your life. It sounds like you and your mother have a really good bond. Honestly, super happy that she seems very supportive of you and wants the best (from the way you described her).
Oof, that online guy friend sounds...not compatible to you after all. I hope you find yourself an amazing man that loves, supports, respects, and treats you well. Does your cousin (the one who did the book review) know some single men from her work or elsewhere? Hope someone can introduce you to a nice man. Or maybe your mother too could?
**Pseudonyms for the cities/states
We're currently just on Amazon.. It may be difficult to offer our books in bookstores, as it's not like we're famous authors.. maybe, after we've build up our Publishing name, then, I could try offering it to bookstores.. But for now, just selling them through Amazon..
We haven't had our weekly meetings.. ever since the grieving started, I haven't said much about what I'm going to do work-wise.. My thought of leaving the Hospital, I haven't mentioned it to my family.. only to my counsellor.. It is just a thought at the moment.. especially when the truth is that I'll never get a full-time position there, and that for the 2 colleagues who will be retiring in the next couple of years, the other 2 staff who will be interested in their position, will be someone I've had conflict with in the past.. I'm over the situation, as it has been more than 2 years ago (in the incident), but it's those people who held a grudge against me the entire time.. Once of them, is currently working as a temporary, had been here since May, and was extended until end of the year.. because aside from me taking the rest of the year off.. another full-time staff also is taking time off as her mother passed away early October.. Except, I'm not sure if she's able to take this much time off.. because as a full-time staff, they only have like 3 days of bereavement.. so, I don't know if she has the flexibility to take more time off, maybe as sick days?.. not sure how that works. For me, as a Casual.. the only requirement is that to keep my position, I need to have worked 225.5 hours in a year.. As of beginning of August, I already have over 400hrs worked for the year.. that's why, I'm able to take the remaining of the year off.. and not worry about being terminated.
Your old post: There were SO many red flags indeed.. That is such a toxic family to be living with.. You made a good move to have moved out at 18.. This time, when you move out.. I hope you can stay completely away from your toxic family for the rest of your life.. you really deserve to be treated with love and respect.
I don't remember, if I mentioned to you earlier.. there was a colleague who worked in a department beside mine (is closely related and we share the same lounge), came to me early in the summer, telling me that she trusts me as a friend, and asked if I was interested in dog-sitting. She accepted a temporary line to work from home (rather than a nurse at the Hospital, this job was being on a team of the medical software that our Hospital was the first to try).. It was for a year.. She wanted me to go to her place and watch her puppy, so the dog doesn't bother her as she works.. I would only need to look after him until 2pm, as her husband comes home from work by then.. So, over the summer, I spent many morning at her place.. Also, when I was first grieving, she also offered me to stay over at her place for as long as I wanted, as a form of dog therapy.. But you know, it would've been better if her dog was the cuddly type.. she has a Frenchie.. very chill dog, but he's not much of the cuddly type at all.. and as short-haired breed, there's not much to really "pet"..
So, this colleague, is now like my friend. Both her and her husband are very nice people, they have a son.. She's probably only a few years older than I.. So, we get along.. The Grief Support Group was recommended by her.. It's a Christian-based group, as the sessions are held at a Church.. When she first recommended it, I asked her if I had to be a Christian, and she said no.. That's why I signed up.. she also said she'll see if it will work around her work schedule, and she'd go with me.. (she ended up not being able to join, because at the time the group started, she had to pick up overtime, her husband's job was on strike, and she had to pick up a few hours of overtime to cover the income a bit).. After attending the first couple of sessions, I learned that about 95% those who signed up, have been Christians all their lives.. With only a few of us who aren't, and one of them is Catholic.. But aside from it being Christian-based (we watch videos each session, go into discussion.. I bought the workbook, so I can do more reading and do the workbook at home).. it is a good support.. Because everyone there has lost a loved one, spouse, friend, etc.. We truly really understand each other..
I like to call this group support as my breathing hole.. it's unfortunately that the group is only for 3 months, once a week, for 2 hours.. But to me, it is the only place where I can share my grieving journey and talk about my grief openly.. Before, when my parents were still in HK, I spoke more with my mum.. about how I was feeling about her mother's passing.. we either left each other text/voice messages, or when the time works out, we'll talk on the phone.. But ever since they have returned.. I haven't had much time to talk to her about my grief at all.. It's like, I'm going through this whole journey on my own.. because at home, I'm the only member who has been impacted by grandma's passing so greatly..
As for my counselling.. my brother suggested I needed some counselling at the end of August.. So, I just looked online.. at first, I found a counsellor who charged $170/55 mins per session.. I saw her only for 3 sessions.. then, when I saw my GP to update my situation in mid-August, he put in a referral for me for free counselling sessions.. At first, he told me the waitlist may take a couple of months.. I got a call from them in 2 weeks.. I started my free sessions in mid-September, after I've returned from the last minute Cruise trip with my mum.. Now, I get up to 16 free sessions!
You know, there is this Chinese social media platform (China-based).. and I keep seeing ads on giving my birthdate.. and more fortune can be told.. that I would be told at what age I'll get married, or when I'll meet my potential husband.. I was curious at one point and clicked into it.. answered a few questions.. then, at the end.. of course, I had to be in China and there was a price to pay.. but, it often makes me wonder.. if those Chinese fortune tellers really work.. reading palms and all.. I wish someone could tell me when and where I'll meet my future husband.. As hopes right now, are very low.. especially during my grieving time.. It almost feels like time has stopped..
That cousin who helped with a book review.. she lives in the States.. so, it's not like she could help introduce me to guys.. I mentioned to my mum earlier, like a couple of months ago.. asked if her friend's daughter's husband's 2 single male friends are still looking.. but, I later found out from my mum.. her friends are going on vacation for a few months to HK and won't be back until the New Year.. so, there goes my hope for meeting them sometime this year.. And my mum didn't say anything about talking to that friend about it either.. so, I don't know.. But I honestly feel, my mum doesn't want to do it.. because she always say I don't look my age.. that I'm not feminine enough to look attractive.. that I don't have a life, don't have a stable job.. that if I do meet others, we will have nothing to talk about..
Deep down inside though.. I'm keeping some hope on finding that job overseas.. I don't know if you remember, but I've been sending a job offer to a company in China since January 2024.. every month, I'll send off an email.. with my cover letter and resume pasted in the email to that company.. I know chances are slim to 0%, but I'm keeping a little hope there.. as I still feel, I need to be away from home.. leave the country, live and work in a different environment (geographically), in order to meet new friends, and my potential husband.. As in my daydreaming times.. it is only when I'm in an overseas country, while working, or even going on vacation, is when I will meet my future husband.. Because my thoughts are, if I was hired to work in a foreign country, accommodation included, I'm forced to start a new life.. to get acquainted to a new lifestyle, be able to force myself out of my comfort zone to survive.. where I will meet new friends and possibly a future husband.. this kind of daydreaming.. is what others may call it a fantasy.. But, even if the chances are slim in hiring me.. I would like to still keep a little hope that it may one day come true.. I haven't given up on sending off those emails.. I send them on the last day of every month.. as, in China.. that's the 1st of the month, in the morning..
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So, I went for a second blood and urine test the past Friday.. I did a full blood work a week before, they took 6 tubes!.. The blood work was first ordered by an Internal Medicine doctor I saw back in May, referred to by my GP.. to try and find out why I'm always so tired.. especially when it's that time of the month.. I could fall asleep sitting up, while waiting for my coffee to brew.. At first, I was told to get the blood work done when I'm having those symptoms.. but I couldn't secure a morning appointment ahead of time.. So, when I started grieving, I was tired all day everyday anyways.. So, I didn't have to time it during those days and just booked a morning appointment.. But when I was asked to get a second testing for blood and urine.. makes me wonder if it's something the doctor found out and wants to make sure.. I guess I'll know once the results come out.. I checked the lab results yesterday and the report said it was still pending.. I made the appointment at my hospital, as the wait time is much less compared to the appointment in lab clinics..
The coming week, Group Session is cancelled, as the hosts have a Church event being held on the same evening.. So, we will resume on the 12th.
@ImpudentIncognito
@Jaeteuk trying to respond right now, but 7cups singing me the "Code064" error message. 😭 I'll modify my response and resend later..I'm quite sleepy.
@Jaeteuk ((I can't copy and paste my original response, but I have it saved elsewhere so...I have to type by hand. Luckily, I type about over 80WPM but still kind of bites... Also, I have time to review what I wrote and correct my English. I need more practice lol. Sometimes, I use a dictionary and thesaurus to improve haha.))
::Therapy::
Ah okay, I wish you great success in the Amazon publishing business! You got this!
In terms of weekly meetings, is that back in session. I believe in a different post, you have mentioned that your mother wanted to have a chat with you, but that she wasn't having a serious one? I think you may have also mentioned going out to a restaurant and spending time with her at a mall? I'm curious too, to see what your counselor says about what your mother said to you, although, the counselor mentioned waiting till next week(which is this week now, right?).
In the near future, I would like to go to therapy as well. I have resorted to using A.I for help until I can go to therapy. It's been pretty useful so far for me, and just a temporary "placeholder" for therapy, until I can afford to go... It's kind of scary how power a.i. is becoming and... I'm actually interested in relearning how to program again (used to study computer programming as a hobby, and wen to school for computer engineering) based on my newfound fascination with it. I don't like that a.i. steals other people's artwork and other creative works, but if it's just used for fun (NOT for profit), then I wouldn't be too opposed.
::Work::
I can see why you're over the situation, that sounds like a frustrating spot to be in (ex. unable to get a full-time job based on the hour requirements). It isn't fair, especially since you're considered part-time, which makes it kind of impossible to get the hour requirements... In terms of having the thought of leaving the hospital job, what would it take for you to leave sooner? Would would be the deciding factor? For example, in my current situation, I am working a remote call center job in the medical field...albeit, I am not quite fond of call centers, but I need to make money to move ASAP.
My plan was to try and become permanent FIRST, and then move, or at least make 100% certain that they WILL hire me full time. The plan was to move at the end of this month (November), however, due to the holidays, there will be some days off this month (though, once permanent we are expected to work holidays). Therefore, I might have to move maybe in the middle of December instead...Training ends around the beginning of December. Around that time, I should know by then if they want to keep me around or not.
So far, I have pretty good rapport with the training crew and the like me.
I may stay at this particular job for a minimum of 1 year, perhaps but really depends on whether or not I get a nice job in either (or both) real estate and UX design. Real estate will be a commission job, whereas UX design would be either hourly or salary, so then I'll always have guaranteed money and maximize my savings.
Apparently, it's possible to work BOTH jobs remote, although, it might be better to do real estate in person first to build reputation...
Really, I am just looking for something that is more of a career rather than just a job. That way, I don't EVER have to worry about food on the table and a roof over our heads ever again...
::Stress::
Due to the current situations going on around me, I have been incredibly stressed out and it's affecting my health pretty badly...My health condition is related to blood issues, so I often have pain in my heart and chest. I also have chronic pain as well, caused by some traumatic events that occurred in my life... Sometimes, when I stand up, I black out and fall. I tried to get disabilities, but I didn't qualify because my doctor in Obscuremonte Civit, Solterra didn't turn in the forms on time and didn't really take my condition seriously... therefore, I have to go back to work for now...I also just kind of want to work in general for stability reasons.
Apart from that my emotions have been a mess too, and it affects my health, causing my chest to hurt. I have been having some issues with my son. He's nonverbal and autistic, turned 5 not to long ago (his birthday is in the same month as mine).
Ever since we moved to Planaterra, he's regressed in his progress and milestones. I haven't been able to receive the services he needs (ex. speech therapy and daycare/PreK) due to having no transportation...
My family makes it difficult for me, so I have to wait until I move. He's been peeing a lot randomly in the daytime in his pants, and it's HIGHLY unusual for him to have like 10+ accidents...He's autistic, so sometimes he gets SUPER zoned into what he's doing, but he'd only have like 1 accident when that happens, but now it's 10x and it's draining since I work a call center job and can't tend to him. I plan on buying him training underwear for now...He also doesn't sleep on time anymore, and I will be up till 12am-1am...so now I'm planning on buying melatonin on my first paycheck to help him sleep (it's natural hormone that our body already produces BUT my family is against melatonin and consider it a "drug"...I have insomnia too, and that stuff actually helps me...)
Aside from that stress, I'm dealing with my family. I general avoid being in the same space as my "womb carrier" as much as possible and limit our interactions. I have been keeping documentation incase she as another meltdown again and I keep journal entries. She's been acting "nice" lately, but it's only a matter of time she may explode on me again...So, I will still go with my original plan and leave silently once I'm ready to move out.
She already became upset with me working and doesn't really support me (unless she's in the mood, and it's not often). I always clean up after myself and stay out of their way. I used to hear her complain about me daily in the morning, so now whenever I know she's up, I plug my ears and try to go back to sleep until she leaves. I just don't want to hear it. It makes me angry and when I'm angry, it hurts my chest.
Her and my oldest brother are hardly ever home so...we pretty much collectively avoid one another, which is fine by me.
@ImpudentIncognito
::Pets::
Oh true! Dogs can be therapeutic! Does her dog "Frenchie" prefer to be alone or do his own thing? Does he act more cat-like rather than dog-like? My significant other(SO) has a pitbull bulldog mix, who I'll call "Oreo" for simplicity sake haha, but his dog looks more like a bulldog. Oreo's very hyperactive and big. He tends to get everyone and jumps on my partner, haha. I haven't met Oreo yet, but I'm curious about him. My SO has been thinking of adopting Oreo's sister, "Sugar". Both Oreo and Sugar were my partner's ex GF's dogs. He wanted to give Oreo a friend so he's not lonely when my SO moves. He asked me if it's OK to adopt Sugar but...idk...
I'm a bit worried having two huge dogs in one space. I did say "yeah, sure" initially but I am having second thoughts...
He said that Oreo tends to jump on people and h_mps his nephew, I would NOT want Oreo doing that to my son NOR me. That makes me HIGHLY uncomfortable...
Plus, I have cynophobia and BARELY got over it. It's due to the fact my brothers have ALL been attacked by dogs, except for me. I'm only OK with certain dogs that I know well, but not with strangers. I also err on the side of caution...
I thought about getting my own service dog due to my health issue and maybe a cat too, to eat any pests in the house, but not sure I want to...Not 100% sure yet. Really depends on where I move and if they allow pets.
Do you have pets of your own by the way? Or do you want pets? Would you consider working full-time as a pet sitter (for various clients) if you quit the hospital job?
::Support Group::
It's good that your friend has been supportive and invited you into the support group. After you mentioned going to the group, I have also thought about reaching out to the DV support groups again, or going to a PTSD survivor group. However, my current schedule will not allot me time to do that for the moment...My shift is from 10am-6:30pm during training, then it MAY shift from 10:30am-7pm after I'm working normal hours... I plan on moving somewhere else which will change my time zone from 9-5:30pm or 8-4:30pm basically. I am no longer able to enjoy the mornings now, it's been taken over by the womb carrier, who has to wake up early for work, and I don't feel like making small talk EVERY morning...
So that leaves me with nights, but not really, because there are no support groups available during that time, or I may just end up waking people up for doing it too late. The house is small, so all noises are detected...
Anyways, again, wanted to say it's good you have that support PLUS the counselling. That'll definitely help with processing the grief and your current situation. I cannot imagine how you must feel right now...once more, I would like to say my condolences... I hope you have mnay happy memories of your wàipó! 🫂✨💖
I have tried the 7cups support groups in the past, and it was useful for some time...But now I feel like it is not for me anymore...My issues are specific to trauma/PTSD, so it's easier to make posts or threads here. I am...also slightly cautious on what I say. I happen to have a former friend, who I'll call "Girasol" or "Gira" for short, who talks me, and when we used to be close, I have recommended her 7cups (however, I NEVER told her my account). Gira has been relentlessly trying to hunt me down...She has even popped up in my DV support group before, so I quit that group. It's a long story, but I can't be friends with her anymore because she is a little toxic (ex. drunk driving, reckless behaviour, thief, cheater, litterbug, and toys with people's emotions).
@ImpudentIncognito
::Relationships::
Aw, dang that bites that you have to pay for Chinese Fortune Telling website/app. Is it possible for you to visit China soon? Maybe as a vacation? Would you be able to stay with family in HK and then go p north to check out China? Or is it not a good time right now? I haven't visited my mother's home country in a LONG time...I miss what it used to be. Hoping the issues with that country might get fixed soon though in the next couple of years, but who knows...I can't even take my son there, because it's too dangerous. It's cheap to travel to that particular country, but not really in the in the best condition right now...I could maybe travel to the "tourist" areas, but it's not the same...
To be quite frank, I am not very close to my family in general (maternal AND paternal), since they're still close to my parents and my maternal relatives have LECTURED me to give my womb carrier money and take care of her, which I will NOT do. The ironic part is that the womb carrier hates all of them., and she claims they're out to get her -- however, they all love her and believe she has a mental illness that she needs help with. But...I don't believe mental illnesses should excuse away poor behaviour, ESPECIALLY if that person refuses to get help for it.
I also hope you end up with your dream job overseas!!! That sounds like it would be fun, and hey, you're trying every month!! At least you're working towards your goals. That's pretty awesome in my book! Sometimes, I want to just give up but...I have read how you're going to support groups, how you're publishing your books, and how you keep on going despite the obstacles and adversity, and it honestly inspires me. I want to be like you!
::Health/Test Results::
How were the test results? How are you feeling? Sorry about the formatting. I've decided to take the colour off for now. The formatting is all messed up in this post. Will see if the future posts might work out better. Hope you're doing OK.
You know, I haven't told my family about my monthly action of sending out a resume and cover letter for a dream career in China. My parents do not have a good view of China, especially Mainland China and their Government.. as well as all the food (they see a lot of news of how they make food that is harmful to the body).. My parents only have negative things to say about China.. So, for me, unless I get that job, I won't say anything.. Let alone, travel, I don't think they'll like that idea either.. Saying it's not safe and that there are a lot scams out there..
And yet, I have a different view of it.. I guess it's because there are singers I like who returned to China to develop there own solo careers.. that I watch a lot of variety shows starring my favorite actors and actresses.. that I have a positive view of China itself.. I know that dream career probably will never happen, it's just like an imaginary dream I have for work. Something that will only come true when I daydream about it. Although hopes are slim to none, I'd still like to think that one day, I will get that reply. You know for me, at least it's not like the emails get bounced back, so, it just shows that the email is still valid.
Ever since I started grieving though, all my publishing has stopped too.. yes, I'm still making some money as the books are still selling.. but, it hasn't gotten to a point where it comes to a balance based on what was spend earlier.. So, if we look at it that way, we're still losing money.. I only have support groups and counselling to keep me going right now.. otherwise, all I feel like is sleeping all day.. My mind is still not functioning properly yet.. Honestly, I'm not sure if I'll be ready to return to work in the New Year yet.. and my thoughts of quitting, I haven't discussed it with my mum yet.. It will definitely need to be talked about before the New Year.. I wish I could see my colleague friend too, the one I helped doggy-sit before.. She's been busy with work lately, that I haven't had the chance to hang out with her..
The results are all within normal range.. I just noticed my potassium levels are on the higher side of the average range.. but, not call from my doctor.. so, I guess nothing is raising red flags.. Another member her in Cups suggests my tiredness may be due to Grief Exhaustion.. but, when my blood work was first ordered, it was months before this incident.. so, the tiredness, we were hoping blood work will give some reasons for it..
@ImpudentIncognito
Her Frenchie is very chill, as in, he hardly barks and would just come greet me, try and bite on the slippers my friend gives me to wear.. then, after like 10 minutes.. he'll just go on about and do his own thing.. She trained him to ring the bell whenever he wants to sunbathe in the backyard.. so, when I was dog-sitting, I basically am just continuously opening the back door for him to go out, and letting him back in when he keeps staring inside.
Your partner's dogs.. I think I'm more afraid for you and your son.. the thought of that dog jumping on people.. I can't imagine how that would make your son feel.. I think dogs like golden retrievers and such will be a better breed for your son to around.. Unless your partner can train his dog for not jumping by the time the two of you live together.. then, it might be okay..
The Grief Support group, it's set on Tuesday evenings, from 7-9pm.. I guess that way for those that need to work, can still make it afterwards.. But you know, it feels that with the Grief and my current state of mind, I only have support during Group Support and Counselling sessions.. on a daily basis, at home, I still feel like I'm in this alone.. and it is only when I'm at Group Support and Counselling sessions, is where I can be real and talk about my true feelings and all..
I do have good memories of my Grandma.. that's all the memories I have of her.. when I was still a kid..
I hope you can join some support groups too.. for me, it helps a lot to have people in the same boat.. and have people who truly understand the things that I'm going through with the grief..
@ImpudentIncognito
OMG.. I just wrote a super long response and when I hit Post, Cups had logged me out.. all that writing is gone! It's stupid how that happens sometimes.. very frustrating.. I spent like an hour or so writing my response..
Now, I don't feel like writing another response.. I'll just wait until after tomorrow's session for that response.. maybe this time.. I'll do it your way.. write it down somewhere else and just do a copy and paste.. I used to just copy and paste your replies in a document, that way I can look back and forth when I reply and refer to what you've written.. but now, that Cups is doing this to me.. I think I'll start writing my replies in a document too..
@ImpudentIncognito
I feel you on that! 😭
I've been getting some error code, and I heard it's from copy-pasting...and if I do too many font modifications.
But I had to copy and paste because my post kept loading and wouldn't go through....
I feel you 100%.
I plan to respond after work either tonight or tomorrow.
(On the mobile app btw)
Okay, here's the reply I promised. I knew I should've copy and pasted that response before clicking on post the other day, especially when I've written a long one..
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Oh wow, you can type over 80wpm?! I remember I took a typing course in college, and I was only in the 60's wpm, and it was already considered fast amongst the other students. I like the keyboards we used back in the days more though. I'm now using the keyboard from Apple where the keys are flat, it seems a bit more difficult to type.. Unlike the ones I used when I was still in school (grade school and college), the keys were more raised. Almost like having the typewriter effect, where each letter you press made a clicking sound, so, when you're typing really quickly, it sounds soothing to an extent. I miss that.
Ever since I started grieving, we haven't had those Publishing-related meetings. Yea, we were supposed to have that "serious" chat last week with my mum. But we ate so much for lunch, that it wasn't like we could sit in a coffee shop for a more intense conversation. We just talked over lunch, and she only asked about how my counselling is going. Like, what kind of things we talked about.
AI is pretty amazing now. I remember there was a post here in Cups, about a month ago. Asking how we came across Cups. I saw there were quite a few people who mentioned that they found Cups through a recommendation from AI when they asked for an online mental health support website. AI really has come a long way, but I also think it can impact people in not being able to write things themselves. Especially with programs like Grammarly, where it can rephrase what you've written in different tones, or use better vocabulary. I feel it's almost like a short-cut for people who is writing, rather than thinking about what to write, how to write, how they could put their thoughts together so it makes sense, everyone is turning to AI for all of the above. It's like, they're no longer using their own brain or skills to do the writing. Almost like, I feel people will eventually become dumber, as they continue to use AI as a resource and help them through everything that requires that extra effort to think it through and do it themselves.
That's Union jobs. Everything is based on seniority hours. That's how they keep it "fair".. As a Casual, it's different than the permanent staff who work as part-time or full-time. On my team, about 3 years ago, there were 2 part-timers and 3 full-timers. Both part-time staff worked full-time hours, but only had half the paid vacation and full benefits (medical). Then, when our Manager back then left our department for a regional position, a nurse from the OR took her place. She ended up making the part-time positions into full-time. So, now, we have 5 full-time shifts/positions. As a Casual, I do not have medical benefits, or any paid vacation/sick days.
I think my deciding factor is also based on the Publishing business. If I could actually be earning an income with it. But with the grief right now, I know I'm not ready to work yet, nor do I feel like making any more progress in the Publishing business either. Everything work-wise, is on hold. I'm still making some money with the 3 books I have that is continuously selling.. but, the earnings are not on the earning side yet.. because previously, we spent so much money on ads.. that even when it shows I'm earning more then the spending (for the ads), it still probably haven't even out from before..
I hope they keep you at the call center. It sounds they like you. I always have the idea that call centers are always hiring, as it seems many use it as a stepping stone, until they find a career of their own.
Health conditions related to blood issues sound very complicated, along with the heart and chest pains; all that discomfort is a lot of stress, and definitely makes working that much more difficult. I can see how remote jobs work better for you.
My cousin's youngest son is also on the Spectrum. I heard he went for Speech Therapy earlier on. Although he still never really talks to us whenever we see him, not sure if it's just with people aside from his immediate family. Makes me wonder what he's like in school, also always sitting by himself doing his own thing? I heard from my cousin before, that his teachers have told her that he's very OCD.. like everything he does must be perfect, and clean.. A couple of weeks ago, it was a day off from school, so both my cousin and her husband also took the day off. They, arranged dim sum with us and my Uncle. Aside from my brother, who had to work, we all went, so there were 10 of us. Her son, had like miniature fighter plane he molded out from aluminum foil. It was like the size of his pinky finger. It was very detailed, like, it even had that exhaust hole (or whatever the use of the hole is) at the bottom of the plane. He even told us the model of the plane!
@ImpudentIncognito
Just a short little post at the moment. I finally went to a place for brunch by myself, before my counselling appointment. I'm just waiting another 15mins or so before I take my leave. As it's walking distance away, so, gonna finish my coffee first.
My brother finally bought his dream car last week. Only I haven't sat in it yet.. they were thinking of exchanging both my car and my parent's car for an electric. But I haven't agreed.. as I'm so used to driving my car, the size and all.. to change a different model, I'm nervous.. and I was thinking, with only 2 cars, what would happen when I return to work? Do I get to drive it to work? And dad would drive brother's car? But his car is very high end.. kinda weird to take it for groceries..
Anyways, I'd better pay for my meal now.
By the way, it seems like my mum would like to have a chat with me today.. will let you know how it went, if it happens.
Currently on the 7cups app to respond, looks a bit different. I can't use my favourite teal colored font haha. My favourite colour is actually yellow, but that would be difficult to read.
How did the counselling appointment go? Is it related to the Grief Support Group, or something else?
That's neat that he got his dream car! However ... Not cool how it could effect you. ☹️ Is your car under your name or your parents by the way? What did you guy's ending up discussing? Did you explain how you'll need it for work when you go back in a few months?
It's worse for me, I wrote that post from my phone as well.. and I can't even change the font colour.. I only remember that on the mobile app, in between paragraphs, I won't need to keep an extra space.. As it was show as double-spaced on the computer.
The counselling was arranged for the grieving.. but you know how it is with counsellors, we dig up everything in my mental health history and we talk about everything, not just working through the grief. I'm lucky my GP sent a referral into a Community organization, where I get free counselling services.. Earlier, when I searched online, I had to pay $170 CAD per 55mins session.. I only saw that counsellor 3 times, then, I was contacted from the Community for the free sessions. I apparently get up to 16 free sessions.. and if more is needed, I'll just need my GP to send another referral in.
They only mentioned about getting an electric car.. nothing is final, but I'm sure they'll also need my input as well if the time ever comes.. The car I have now, it's my own very first car.. I bought it in 2016.. In blue, my favourite colour.
So, my mum and I didn't actually get the chance to talk about my future much.. for lunch, she came to join me at the Korean restaurant (my comfort food, which I go every time after my counselling session). Dad was busy with yard work, so, my brother dropped off my mum at the restaurant. We went to the mall afterwards and walked around a bit, but because we just had lunch, it wasn't like we could sit at a coffee shop and just talk.. Instead, during our walks from the mall to the nearby strip mall where I see the Traditional Chinese Doctor (2 blocks away), we talked briefly.. but only about my lack of appetite and saying I need to exercise more.. We didn't get the chance to talk about my future.. or anything about returning to work..
Since I mentioned about my counsellor earlier.. Yesterday, we talked a lot about how I get nervous whenever my mum tells me she wants to have a talk with me.. I try to imagine and play it out in my head of things I will tell her, depending on what she asks me, and how much I will reveal.. we figured that I get nervous over things I have no control over (like her reaction).. we talked a lot about how my mum makes me feel.. like when I told my counsellor that I'm actually afraid of what my future is like, without meeting a partner/husband.. the things my mum tell me, like how she always complain how I do dress my age, that I'm boring, that because I don't have a full-time job, no interests/hobbies, that I won't be able to have anything to talk about with a guy and that we won't have any common interests because I'm more of a homebody. I told my counsellor also, ever since I was young, my mum would often say things that make me doubt myself, and the decisions I've made.. especially when I was taking random courses in college back then.. I would make a decision that I want to study Sociology or Psychology.. then, she would often make comments that make me doubt my decision.. then, I end up not doing it.. because she also makes it sound like that she's right and I'm wrong.. that I'm not mature enough to make the right decisions for my own life..
So, we talk about many things, not just my grief.. which I guess, will help me in all ways..
@ImpudentIncognito
@Jaeteuk Oh dang, yeah. The mobile formatting is strange, it's just something I got to get used to too. I'm back on the computer now though!
Ooof, I feel you on the expense...the online app I was using is maybe equivalent to $348CAD BUT it's per week. Man, I'm sorry the pricing for you is around $170CAD per 55mins. That sounds wild! 😭 I hope that eventually you're able to find something cheaper...Or maybe you'll end up making big bucks with the publishing company? 🤔
What did your counsellor end up saying about the comments that your mother has made? How do you feel about the things that your mother says to you?
My counsellor says we'll explore more on that next week.. I've gotta tell her that our chat this week did not happen.. at least, not a serious type of talk.. Well, at least the one I have now is free.
The Grief Groups support is also free, I only paid $40 for the workbook. We watch videos in the group, then have a open discussion.. then, for those who bought the workbook, can do the exercises at home.. And I find that it's nice to have something in black and white, rather than just watching the videos.
@ImpudentIncognito
Sorry, been on and off with responding. This job is tiring. The chronic pain is exhausting. My son's hyperactivity & autism is difficult to deal with(while I try to work) sometimes. My (toxic) family is irritating. My partner is...just not around much. And just...other stuff on my mind. I feel lonely. Just trying to get through the day. I feel fatigued. I'll give a better update maybe tomorrow and will respond to your other messages in more detail.
It's all good, Cog.. I'm just happy to have you back after months of your absence.. Do as much as your body allows.. I know it's difficult with everything you're juggling with on your plate.
@ImpudentIncognito
::Work::
This has been on my mind for a while, and I wanted to share my thoughts about my current job. Also, I would like to obtain your perspective as well, especially on how to deal with difficult coworkers...
I currently work in the medical field, in a call center while I try to earn certifications in the careers I REALLY want to go in(ex. real estate and UX Design).
I'm on my 2nd week of the job, and this one coworker warmed up to me...quickly on day one. I have vowed to never make a coworker friend again, due to past experience (ex. My former best friend "Girasol" who is toxic...I mentioned a bit about her on a different post)
Well, this new coworker, who I'll call "Adwoa", gave me her contact info on day one and sent a work email to me...I never texted her back, but she has continued to message me through the work instant messaging program and was overly friendly and complimentary...
However...
Adwoa always asks me for notes, which, I didn't mind at first. But then she told me she wanted me to "organize" her work inbox, and wants me to organize her notes, and stay after work and on the weekends to "train" her...The thing is, I am ALSO new, and I don't want to give up my weekends. I'm constantly busy doing other things and just want to relax for once...(And if you're wondering, I have told her no, I cannot stay after and no, I cannot study on the weekends).
I'm starting to feel like she might be using me? My trainer says I am doing really well in class, so I don't feel so worried. I just pay attention and take notes...I have background in the tech field, so the tech issues and logins that the class face have not bothered me at all, I have been able to figure out the issue and troubleshoot.
The other day, she came to me BEGGING that I train her, because she no longer wants to work the CNA job (my former friend Girasol was a CNA...so I heard it's a difficult job. I've also had a friend who was MA, and my significant other was an CMA or RA or something -- all medical field friends and significant other, and I'm not really a medical field person lol).
I ended up telling her I can help with notes, but beyond that...I can't really help with anything else, as I am also focused on training and new. I recommended some of the trainers in our class, and told her one particular one has been spectacular and to contact her.
She just went "ok sweet, i guess i'll try and figure it out. I believe I can". I have been trying to tell her she got this, you can do it, etc etc but she's...worried she'll be fired from the job...idk...
I thought I would be fired too initially lol. I don't have daycare for my son, and he's been kind of rowdy lately. Luckily though, I got some overnight diapers and training pants, so don't have to worry about doing so much laundry. I also have melatonin now for night time. I try to spend my breaks with him, and we usually just cuddle and chill.
When the work place lets me turn my camera off, he usually sits on my lap and snuggles. He might adjust for the next few days. I don't have to wake him up early anymore to bath himself, after being full of pee (with no overnight diaper).
Have you ever had a coworker that was overbearing? And it felt like you had to do everything?... Even in our group roleplays for the job, I'm stuck doing all the work (even when I'm paired with different people in class), the majority don't want to do it, and I'm forced doing it the heavy lifting. I hear excuses like "I'm shy" or they just keep their microphones on mute and pretend they have a call from the agency and don't even participate.
I kind of don't want to do these group roleplays for class anymore.
I have had some peers be overly critical about the way I do the process and scripting, but when they do it, they make similar or worse mistakes...We're still all new, and I have to remember the processes + script while being on a fake call. There are 14 different programs use...and have to remember those different processes...some of the programs are outdated and plain silly.
From a programmers point of view, it's honestly grating to me. The UI is COMPLETELY not user-friendly, and some of the way the program works is just ridiculous and not intuitive at all. I find errors in the program and point it out, and people get annoyed with me...but ironically enough, they end up with the same issues after THEY actually frigging try it in the training simulation. They make ME do all the work, and complain, but then they try and it's like "oh, i got the same error". Yeah. It's annoying. ug...
Tbh, most of my class is pretty cool, I think, but I don't really want to get too chummy, and some get on my nerves...I'm just tired...I rather just get everything over with...
My trainer got EXTREMELY irate with my classmates the other day and ended up telling the class that it's over 5mins early, because he had to repeat himself about 10 times, and no one would listen to him. He was explaining how to login to something. He pulled me and maybe 2 other people aside, telling us we have been doing a great job in class and doesn't worry about us...
This has been how the class has been going for 2 weeks. People constantly complaining about system issues that are easily fixable, but they don't listen. They even don't have certain settings that he said to fix since day 1...it's...just silly and makes everyone else behind...But on the bright side, it gives me time to make sure son is good. I just go AFK for a little bit to handle some stuff, since all they do is talk about logins all day...
@ImpudentIncognito
Currently on a small work break. We had to do group sets again, but this time in pairs of 2. I actually received some REALLY valuable feedback from my current workmate. He was basically giving me good advice to not overthink the details and explained how to simplify it. He said in his last group (we used to be groups of 3s and 4s), they would get wrapped up in processes that DON'T even have to do with our department.
In my last (few) group(s), they always forced me to present, and then would "time" me and say "not fast enough, now the patient died" (last group was with Adwoa BTW...)and "Well, we need to do the script!" -- when I AM doing the majority of the script, presenting, legwork, etc. I personally prefer to do the process a few times so that the script comes more naturally. If I do both without knowing what I'm doing OR how to navigate, then it's frustrating.
New work partner was understanding and we mainly focused on the navigation, which was helpful and talked over the process. He was REALLY helpful...He actually reminds me of an old friend of mine from my old job, that I ended up sending a message to him lol. Just checking on him. THat friend was the one who offered me to stay with him and his husband in the city they lived in if I EVER needed anything, but I feel like he's got stuff going on, and I really wanna try and get my own place.
But anyways...I think I have an issue with overthinking things...so having work mate bluntly tell me was helpful, and he was kind about it. I liked talking to him, but don't wanna be weird and keep reaching out, because that's what Adwoa did. Pretending to be friendly, complimenting me nonstop, but then asking for favours each time...I stopped responding to her now or keep it short. I don't really wanna be bothered tbh.
I'm nervous about making work friends and going to try and keep (healthy) boundaries and not be weird.
It makes a difference to have a good working partner.. I'm also holding back in making work friends too.. It's just so difficult for me when I'm always seen as a daughter rather than a colleague with equal status.. Like the two other colleagues, they have daughters of their own that are around the same age as I.. so, it makes me feel like I have mothers are work.. there is another lady who I feel doesn't treat me like a normal colleague, and she's 12 years older.. then there are two others, one is a year younger than I (but has a fiance and just returned to work in October from her Maternity Leave), and another girl 4 years older than I.. so, my brother's age.. With her, I feel the most comfortable with.. and I have hung out with her for coffee once in the past.. And now, during this grieving time and not working, when I visited the hospital for blood work, I would message her asking her things (like, if masks are needed as mandatory, now that it's flu season again).. Or, I'll ask her questions about the surgeons.. who's working, or if someone is on vacation.. Earlier, I spoke with a Urologist and asked him if my dad to could see him for a consult.. My dad was trying to call his office this week, asking about his MRI results and wanted to know if he needs to continue his meds or if any adjustment in dosage is needed.. but his office seems to be closed this week.. So, I messaged that colleague asking if that Urologist has been working.. She said he's there today.. oh well.. I guess my dad will just have to try and call back next week..
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm writing a written response to one of your replies.. But, I'll probably type it out tomorrow instead..
Today has been a long day.. I left the house around 9:45am.. my counselling appointment starts at 10:30am.. The parking meter I usually pay for parking with, I was having issues with it.. so, it wasted a few minutes of my time.. I ended up walking to the opposite side of the parking lot to use the other parking meter.. that one, it was having problems with taking payment.. It's usually just tap, I even took out a tissue wiping it dry (as it was raining), thinking that was why it didn't work.. So, I tried inserting my card too.. and nothing happened.. Then, when I was walking back in the direction I usually go, I saw a couple at that meter and went up to them, to let them know it's not working.. I saw them doing the same thing.. trying the tap and inserting their card.. I said I just had to pay using the other meter instead.. Then, met up with my friend for lunch at noon.. we parted ways around 1:50pm.. then I went to the mall.. well, first parked on one end, then, walked out the other side to go across the street to the bank.. needed some cash for my other appointment for 2:45pm.. But the doctor got the time wrong, he remembered it as 3:15pm.. So, I waited for quite a bit there.. And yet while sitting on the bench in the hallway, I wasn't able to get my pulse back to normal.. he kept asking and telling me my pulse is really fast.. I was like, it's already coming down compared when I first got there.. I park at the mall and walk over.. He told me some pressure points I could massage the next time I feel my heart rate is up.. I tell him, normal days, I'm usually in the 50s bpm. I've had it at 45bpm at one point too.. Of course, I use my phone to measure it.. I have a Samsung.. and Samsung has like a Health app, where I could put my finger where the camera flashes, and it can measure my pulse.. I don't know how accurate that is.. but, that has been how I've kept track of my pulse in certain times of the day.. and with certain moods.. stress, lack of sleep.. it's only after walking, my pulse went up to 129bpm.. and even after sitting and resting for 10-15 minutes.. it was still around 106bpm.. Then, I didn't get home until past 4pm.. But with a big lunch a had, I probably won't need to have a dinner.. I'll probably go to bed a bit earlier.. the doctor did say that I should try and be asleep by 1am latest.. so, I'm going to have to try that out.. I've been sleeping around 2-4am.. I explained to him, because for the past 10 years, I could only be asleep for 6 hours.. so, I figured, if I want to be waking up naturally around 8 or 9am, then, I should sleep around 2-3am.. but he explained, it's important to be asleep between 1-3am, as that helps us feel more rested.. he just mentioned, if I'm tired during the day, to just take naps instead..
So, I'll be watching my night dramas until 1am or so now.. try it out.. and see if I do feel more rested in the daytime..
@ImpudentIncognito
A couple of weeks ago, I randomly mentioned to my mum that it seems like forever when we went on vacation as a family of four. Then, a few days ago, my mum suddenly said, "Let's plan to go to Japan together next year!".. At first, they were thinking of April, as that's when the Sakura blossoms, but then, my brother found out that it's a special holiday during that time for the Japanese.. So, now, we're thinking about November 2025.. I heard my parents say, they will stop by HK afterwards and meet my Aunt there.. I'm thinking of telling them, I'm interested to follow them to HK too.. as I think it'll be good if I could visit my Grandma at her grave.. so that I can have some sort of closure with her passing.. I know, that's like more than a year from now.. but, I think it will still help overall.. The only problem will be living space.. as when I was in my computer room, I heard my mum said from the kitchen, that it'll be nice if we could go to HK as a family too, but the living space is the problem.. I'm thinking.. if it was just the two of them.. there's space at relatives to stay over at.. but, if it's 3 or 4 of us, then, no relative has that much space for all of us.. and if we stayed long in hotels.. that would become quite expensive too.. But I'm thinking, once my mum mentions about going to HK again, I'll let her know I'm interested too..
I'm taking my car in for some oil changes and swap into my snow tires tomorrow (Monday) in the morning.. Did I tell you, my brother bought his dream car a couple of weeks ago.. It's second-hand, he also bought a new cover for the car keys.. it's evergreen, so now it looks like a green car.. Pretty cool when it's sitting on the countertop..
Anyways, just dropping by with a short post today.. I felt I forgot to tell you this vacation news previously.
So, my car wasn't ready until 3 hours later.. I called them and said they were just taking it out for a test drive.. While waiting, my parents and I walked a couple of large retail stores.. then, sat in a fast food restaurant for lunch.. When we finished eating, my dad went and sat in the car.. as my mum and I stayed, where we had a half-serious talk.. So, we talked about things that I had planned before..
Like, how I'm interested to tag along with them to HK next year (after our Japan vacation).. Told her my thoughts of quitting, and turning to the Publishing business instead.. and how I'm feeling with the grief at the moment.. I told her, I'm not quite sure if I'll actually be ready to return to work in the New Year..
She didn't say much about the job.. or me quitting.. she said, she's just curious about my current thoughts on my situation.. we didn't get too deep into the conversation.. because we were watching the time.. and was afraid my dad would get cold in the car (we had a few minutes of wet snow and hail).. Then, we went to get my car.. we parted ways.. as they continued with some returns of products and I went to fill up my gas and head home.. Can't really go anywhere, as I have my tires in my back seat..
This week, there is no Group Support tomorrow night, as the hosts are on vacation.. Aside from my regular counselling appointment on Wednesday, I have my monthly follow-up appointment with my GP on Thursday.. As well, my brother's dog is also coming on Thursday, this time, he's only here for 10 days.. Last time, he was here for 5 weeks, as the ex-wife returned to China for vacation.. this time, we're guessing she's just heading home (the Province beside ours).. So, it's a shorter trip, hence, a shorter stay for the dog with us too.. I'm going to stop a couple of weeks for the Chinese medicine.. as, there isn't really much to "fix" in my body..
So, now that my mum has an idea with my current situation.. maybe she'll have a chat with my brother or tell my dad about it.. or, she'll choose another time where we could sit in a coffee shop for a deeper conversation.. but, at least I've given her a gist of everything..
So, with my counselling, we're thinking of taking a break.. So, after next week's, I won't see her again until the 3rd week of December.. I figure, because I think my group support's last session is the second Tuesday of December.. so, might as well, do the counselling the week after.. Then, she won't be back until January.. She suggests that after my free sessions are finished.. that I should take a 1-2 month break.. so that other people on the waitlist, gets a chance for the free counselling.. My counsellor is here until June.. so, even if I take 2 months off.. I'll still be able to see her again.. In January though, she's available on different days of the week.. so, I'll have to pick which days work.. and it seems like she's working in the afternoon.. so, no more morning appointments..
Today, I had my monthly follow-up appointment with my GP. I explained how I still feel I'm a bit on a roller coaster with my emotions, that my brain is still not functioning properly.. how I feel, the majority of the days in each week, I'm non-functional.. Aside from updating her about my grief.. I also mentioned about my hair.. For some reason, when I'm towel-drying my hair after a wash, my towel has some brown stains.. She checked my scalp, and didn't seen anything.. and she said, it's the first time she's heard about this.. so, she has no idea why either.. she did ask me to take a picture of my towel and show it to her at my next appointment.. She also ordered more bloodwork for me.. Said that she wants to check my iron levels again.. This time, she also requested the fasting glucose.. So, I'll have to see when I should make the appointment..
I'm seriously thinking about quitting the work at the hospital.. that way, I don't even have to worry about getting a doctor's note for the New Year..
@Jaeteuk Ah, I see. How do you feel about the 1-2 month break? Do you feel it would be helpful or not really? Does the counselor maybe have a colleague that can assist during the 1-2 month break or alternative resources she can point you to while you wait?
Oh, is the brown stains on the towel possibly dried up blood? :O It's good that she is ordering bloodwork for you. Hope everything is OK. That's kind of scary to just see that sort of thing pop up on your head towel.
Honestly? I would not blame you for quitting the hospital job...You said it brings you a lot of stress. I think you mentioned in a prior message, you had a chat with your mother about your feelings about quitting the job and she didn't really say much? Do you think if you mention it again, she would be able to support you for a bit while you focus 100% on the publishing business? Do you think her and/or your dad would be OK with being able to help while you recover from grief and working on your business?
You know, I'm not looking forward to the 1-2 month break from counselling.. But I do understand that I need to give others who are on the waitlist a chance for the free service too.. And I mean, if I do plan to quit, I don't really need to see the counsellor to help me figure out how to get through a day at work.. As for counselling because of the grief.. because it's compiled of many types of emotions and everything, including my past depression, is all intertwined and makes grief itself that much more intense..
Just like what my GP said, she says that it is normal for me to be up and down with the feelings.. as there will be triggers.. that it's like cycle that happens over and over and again.. She said, she's actually glad I'm having those up and down moments.. as that's the "norm" of the grieving process..
When I told her about the brown stains on the towel, the first thing that came to her mind was if I dyed my hair.. Which is a "no".. I haven't had it dyed for like more than 10 years.. It doesn't look entirely like dried up blood.. It looks more like a coffee stain kind of brown.. than, dried blood colour.. I don't know how getting blood work will help.. or maybe it's for other purposes.. I've been seeing the brown colour for a while now.. Had always forgot to mention it when I went to see my GP in the earlier appointments.. It washes off in the washing machine.. I also mentioned, the shampoos I use.. it's all chemical free, scent free, etc.. so, I don't see it as the shampoo colour rubbing off.. It is a mystery.. especially when even my GP says it's the first time she's ever heard of.. And I'm sure it's coming from my hair/head/scalp.. as I use that towel just to dry off my hair after I wash it.. I have 3 towels.. One to wash my face, one to dry my hair, and one to dry my body..
The stress with the hospital is mainly how my colleagues treat me.. I like the tasks I do, while working with other nurses and anesthesiologists.. but it's the colleagues on my direct team that give me all the stress.. Right now, since my brain is not functioning, I'm not sure how long it's going to take until I can start focusing on the publishing business again.. All I know is, if I were to return to work in the New Year, that I'm not ready for it yet..
I'm going to wait about another week or so, before I bring it up with my mum again.. give her the chance to be the middle person, and tell my brother/dad about my thoughts..
@ImpudentIncognito
::Checking in::
Hey, just checking in to see how you have been doing overall?
((Also, hope this font colour isn't an eyesore. Yellow is actually my favourite colour, but...difficult to read usually. I tried to use a darker shade, hope it's not obnoxious or difficult to read haha. I can go back to teal or maybe try brown or orange instead. You said blue was your favourite colour, so I wanna use my favourite colour too haha)).
I was wondering what your overall thoughts are on:
- How the grief counselling and support group has been going?
- How you've been in general with the bereavement period/loss of your grandmother?
- How it's been between your family members (brother, mother, & father)?
- How your publishing business is going?
- What your thoughts on your future career are?
- How is your physical & mental health been?
- What you've been thinking about lately or felt like sharing?
::Therapy/Counselling::
I read your other post about not looking forward to the 1-2 month break, but that you understand there are others also on the waitlist. You're honestly a very selfless, kind, and considerate person. I hope that you're able to find something to fill in that 1-2 month gap in the mean time.
In the near future, I'm hoping to get back into therapy. It's currently on the backburner for me until I move and establish a new career...
::Career/Work::
So, recently just for 💩 and giggles, I applied for a writing position with a well-known social media commentary channel in Canada. They answered me back and said they thought my writing portfolio and resume was great. I'm just waiting to hear what writing test they want me to do before they decide if they want to move forward with me. It's not really a permanent job, but more of a gig and they said a long term partnership where they may call upon me on occasionally in the future for projects. There are no benefits or anything like that, which is fine. I have my eyes on UX Design and Real Estate. I just like to write as a hobby. It's pretty fun. I kind of want to just get my name out there as a writer (though, under a pseudonym...) and more so just seeing if I can make it? Maybe publish something eventually. Idk if I'll make it in book or comic form yet though. I like to draw and write in my spare time.
Uh...I guess apart from that, still in the same boat. I'm still trying complete these UX Design classes and make a nice portfolio. Thought I would be closer to finish by now, but I've been feeling ill and tired lately. Plus, bed time with son can be exhausting...The melatonin helps a bit though. Also, just...My current call center job drains me at the end of the day. The trainer is SUPER nice and cool, but my schedule is mid morning to early evening and will shift to later... I don't really like that schedule...I like working 5am-2pm or 6am-3pm type of schedules. I'm an early bird, but oh well. I'm happy to just have a job for now...
Other than that, I'm still having to wait to take my real estate exam... I renewed it for another 6-months, even though I already finished my classes a LONG time ago. The issue is finding time to fly out of state and taking BOTH school exam and state exam...Then I have to have security clearances. That's what a headache haha... I don't know if I really want to live in that particular state anymore...
Just for fun, I might apply for more writing related gigs and maybe drawing or music related ones. I've been wanting to sorta see if I can make it with my hobbies....Two of my brothers who live in Solterra were in a band together and even had an interview with a popular musician back in my mother's home country. They invited me to join...but I never did, was in a relationship with FoS (father of son) and busy with family life at the time...I also got invited by someone to start a music career to some place out of the city, but idk. I turned it down at the time. Was going through a rough time...But...Maybe this time, I'll try and go work towards my dreams more and see what happens!
::Health::
How has your health been lately? For me...Not so great...I still get pretty bad chest & heart pain and I have chronic back pain. Again, once I move out and get my own place, I will get back into getting more frequent check-ups and hopefully they will also get me back into physical therapy...I used to weight lift, but my doctor told me to quit until I feel better, which, of course haha. I don't want to add extra pain.
Apart from that...The only way I've been coping...Just...idk...I haven't been eating as healthy as I used to, which bites. I was a health nut and COMPLETELY fell off uhm...yeah... My plans though are to go back into meal prepping to save money, doing (light) exercise that won't cause extra pain, and once I'm in a legal area, I will go back to using the greens in the form of edibles, probably not smoking, if you know what I mean haha...I know it's not for everyone, but it has IMMENSELY helped with my chronic pain and inflammation in my chest.
Idk...I just wish to be healthy again is all...
::Relationships::
To be honest, this one is embarrassing for me to talk about, and that's why I deleted my other comment out of shame... I thought I was doing better each time?...I mean, I guess slightly every relationship has been better than the last in terms of friendships/romantic relationships but...I think I need to go to therapy and get some help on how to set healthier boundaries...I didn't really want to spend money on therapy anytime soon but maybe I should?... I used to go to support groups for DV and it helped wake me up a bit, and I see other people who were in the same boat as me but...I would like to try a 1v1 instead. I might use my next paycheck on therapy and see how it goes, but it's SO pricey and I wanted to wait until I moved and shifted careers to where I get paid much more...
I REALLY do want to try again and make friends in real life, but I don't have the emotional capacity right now...I feel drained daily and my son being non-verbal autistic can be difficult -- especially since I no longer have the resources that I need...
I sometimes feel like my partner might seem more like a good friend rather than partner...I'm a very go-getter type of personality and isn't like that at all. I also have a bad feeling he'll be dealing with his toxic/abusive family for a LONG time, just so he can inherit their house. Idk...even if I could inherit something from my family, I wouldn't want to. I rather pave my own path tbh and I do not want to owe anyone ANYTHING. I want to feel free... I have thought about breaking it off, but again, I think it's best to get my ducks in a row, it'll be kind of a drastic change and I have no other friends IRL, not really, apart from him...I like him, I just don't know if I see a future with him if he's not a go-getter...
This sounds REALLY crazy but...my 2nd ex(NOT FoS), who I'll call "Mr. High Maintenance" or "Mr. HM", was a HUGE go-getter, and that's what initially attracted me to him. Everyday felt like an adventure with Mr. HM. It felt like love at first sight, but all it was, was lust and deception...I just broken up with FoS and my little brother hooked me up with Mr. HM, despite little brother knowing the bad things Mr. HM does (ex. stealing, has illegal substances and 🔫 on him, had made many girls get ab0rtions, manipulates people's feelings, etc). He ended up ghosting me for 2 weeks until he told me "Oh, I'm 'hitched' with somebody else...But I always thought about you! I thought if it didn't work out with her, maybe we can try again.". He invited me to his workplace to say that. I just gave a wry smile and told him "have a good life" and left. I wasn't going to deal with that. No, no I was not. Not after I paid for his rent, rescued him from bad situations and talked sense into him, he also stopped using dr0gs when I told him I didn't like it and that I wanted to quit drinking alcohol. His mother LOVED me and doesn't like ANY of his friends. When he cried to me drunk one night saying he does NOT want to exist anymore, I drove at 4am to his house, son asleep in car, and bought food and goodies to make sure he was okay...
EVERY relationship I have been in (which is 3, FoS, Mr. HM, and current partner), I ALWAYS put in my all but I'm getting burnt out...pretty bad...and don't get me wrong. My current partner helped me avoid eviction, and he used to spend a lot of money on me, which was different, since I ALWAYS paid for FoS and Mr. HM.... I felt bad and that current partner will just end up resenting me...he's made some comments about women that I didn't quite like, but he would double-down and say "generally woman do that(ex. woman expect men to provide and make a lot of money), NOT you!". I don't quite like that kind of generalization talk though...it's tiring... Whenever current partner and I disagree on things, we do have discussions about it. I always express how I feel right away. I can be quite blunt as a person, just depends honestly...
::Financial Health::
I'm honestly doing a 💩job at budgeting and had to check again...There really isn't ANY reason for me to buy fast food...I do have health issues, and sometimes can't stand for long periods of time, but if anything, I just need to meal prep when I feel healthy, or if worse comes to worse, I can buy "TV dinners" or microwaveable food until I'm capable of cooking due to health....It's going to be a tight budget this month, but honestly?...I hardly ever spend money on anything else...I'm too depressed too, haha...Just food...that I don't even get joy from...Ironically, I LOVE cooking, but I don't like eating and my pain keeps me away from standing/cooking for too long...unless I'm stuffed full of pills or alcohol or greens (not legal here for the moment) to mask my pain. I just wish the doctors could figure out what's wrong with me. I want a permanent solution, I don't want to use substances or medicine to just mask the pain without a cure. It REALLY bites. I was healthy just 2 years ago (despite getting hit by a car maybe 7-8 years ago), but health deteriorated over time. I want to go for runs again. I want to lift weights. I want to dance without pain. I want to live life...I was as healthy as a buck and now...here I am...
::Interests/Hobbies::
I have a lot of interests/hobbies (ex. drawing, reading, writing, playing guitar/piano, exercise, learning languages, programming, playing videogames, trekking, hiking, playing football, repairing electronics, researching, etc etc), but...I haven't derived as much joy from it like I used to...I'm thinking, again, once I moved, I can decorate my bedroom and make it more comfortable to do hobbies. I'm looking for a 3 bedroom/2½bathroom house to rent (depending on where I live, this is actually affordable lol). Master bed for myself, a bedroom for son, and an office for my work...Then I'll have my own bathroom, son has his, then the ½ bath(meaning no shower) will be for guests...if I get any... 🫠
I'm digressing lol.
But yeah...
How are you?
Your choice of color works fine. I’ve actually been using dark purple, as it fits the grieving mood more than using blue.
Grief Counselling and Grief Support Group: Honestly, the Grief Support Group is one of the best choices I’ve made. It was recommended by a friend/colleague. The one who entrusted me to babysit her puppy while she worked remotely at home, basically just went over to her place and watchover her puppy as she worked in her room. Let the dog out whenever he rings the bell at the door to the backyard. I find the Support Group as a breathing hole for me, a place where I can talk about my feelings in regards to my loss, to a group of people who also lost a loved one. We’re basically in the same boat together, which makes me feel like “wow, someone actually understands how I feel”. Rather than being at home, where in my family (parents and brother), I'm the only family member that’s grieving and is impacted by the loss of Grandma so greatly. It’s sad that the Support Group is only once a week, for 3 months, 2 hours per session. We watch a video, then have a discussion. Or basically, whoever wants to comment or talk, will share their thoughts, either based on the video, or for whatever they want to talk about. At home, I can’t talk about my grief anymore, because no one is showing any signs of grieving, and I’m the only one who is impacted. My brain is non-functional, and I have been off work since August. As for the counselling, I first went to counselling for grief. But you know how counsellors are like, they end up digging everything about us and not just grief-related. So, we’re working on a lot of things.. Like my past depression, the relationship I have with my family, my colleagues.. As the counsellor puts it, everything is intertwined. So with the counselling, it helps in all ways.
How I’ve been in this bereavement period: I’m not sure where in the grieving cycle I’m at.. When there are triggers, I feel my sadness and regrets are brought back up to the surface. A month before Grandma passed, my state of mind was already on full alert and I was feeling scared/worried. In June, my mum told us that Grandma had a heart attack, that the doctors can’t resort to surgery because of Grandma’s age (95 years old), and that at that moment, they haven’t found an appropriate medication to help her.. I was told of this news on a Friday night, after I got home from work around 8:30pm.. I remember, I had to work the following week, and I was extremely worried. That week, I didn’t interact with anyone at work, and I just did my own thing (throughout that week, only one person cared to ask how I am doing, because she noticed I had been very quiet and looked really sad. That one nurse, that’s not even in my direct department, but who works beside us, and is still closely related and connected to the Operating Room). And you know what happened the week after? I guess someone complained about my work, saying that I was unproductive, inefficient, and had a lack of communication with the team. This complaint was relayed to me through my supervisor at the beginning of my shift on Monday. In that week, one colleague came to me to clarify about the complaint. I told her, I didn’t talk to anyone the week before because I was worried about someone back home being really sick. Then, she went one saying that I could’ve told the team about it, and maybe they could’ve helped me with some tasks.. But honestly, I don’t think it would’ve made that much of a difference, like they wouldn’t have helped with my tasks. Then, she also went on talking about productivity and working efficiently. Compared me to the other colleague who usually works the shift I cover. Saying that she’s a Superstar in her job, that it’s hard for the rest of us to catch up with her, especially when I work as a Casual and she’s a full-timer. I told her, Casual or Full-Timer, does not define how our work ethics are like, that as a Casual, I can work just as productive and efficiently as her. Anyways, going off topic here.. So, after that heart attack news, a month later, in the second to last week of July, my parents suddenly said Grandma had been in and out of the hospital. She’s been living in a Senior’s Home for the past couple of years, they don’t have doctors there, so whenever Grandma felt some chest pains and had difficulty breathing, she has to be transferred to the Hospital. Apparently, every wait to see the doctor in the ER, was always a few hours, and it’s already quicker, because of her age.. But this back and forth, I believe, also takes a toll on her body too.. In the last week of July, it was when my parents made last minute travel plans back to Hong Kong to see Grandma (mum’s mom). Then, on the last day of July, which is August 1st in HK, I get a message on my phone, while I was at work, that grandma had passed at 1am August 1st. It was around 4pm when I got the message, and let’s just say, my brain had shutdown immediately. I went to talk to the charge nurse and asked if I could leave an hour earlier because news of my Grandma passed just came. So, I quickly finished all my tasks and left at the same time as the nurses. So, as for my grieving.. For the entire month of August, it was the most difficult time. As my parents stayed in HK for the month, with just my brother and I here.. I had stopped functioning, and just felt pure sadness and regrets. I started seeing a counsellor (the one where I paid), in the 4th week of August.. Saw her 3 times, until the free counselling started in mid-September. The Grief Support started mid-September, and it wasn’t really until then, where I felt I could breathe. Over the summer, I had spent time at that friend’s/colleague’s place to watch her dog.. And when Grandma passed, there were several times when I asked if I could hang out at her place for the morning/day, and spend time with her puppy.. Treating it as dog therapy. Her and her family were very welcoming. Both her and her husband lost their fathers in the past 4 years, she has one son, I believe in Grade Six.. So, when I told her about my Grandma passing, I felt sincere care and concern from them both. The husband got off work early, he works the 5am - 1pm shift. So at times, I would stay at her place until he comes home from work.. Sometimes, he’d bring lunch for us too.. They were so welcoming and it brought me comfort to spend time with them. Ever since August, I have been checking in monthly with my GP, to update her on my grieving process. Otherwise, I feel the grief has led to a series of “side effects”.. Which is having short-term memory loss, not being able to “feel” what emotions I’m having, not being able to think (brain fog), no energy, always tired.. Up until now, I still feel I cannot function.. Like, my life has been put on hold and I don’t know how long it will take until I can get my life back on track..
Between my family members, brother, and parents: We haven’t really talked about grieving.. The most I’ve talked about with my grieving was in August with my mum.. Through text messages, voice messages, and phone calls, while my parents were still in HK.. I told her all my feelings with the loss and how I’ve decided to take time off from work.. It wasn’t until I started Grief Support, when I decided to tell my Manager I’ll take the remaining of the year off, and will get back to her in the New Year.. The last time I talked to my brother about the grief was probably at the end of September, when my parents went on a Cruise trip for their Anniversary. He was telling me that he has some beliefs with Buddhism.. Although he doesn’t call himself religious, he just likes the ideas that Buddhism has when it comes to someone passing.. As for my dad, since grandma is mum’s mother, I don’t think he grieved at all for the loss. I’m the only person, it seems, not just in my family, but amongst all the other extended family, cousins and aunts, the family on my mum’s side, to be the only person grieving and had been impacted so very greatly by the loss.
As with the Publishing Business: Since I started grieving, I haven’t had the concentration, loss of interest, in writing any more books.. So, I’ve just continued to run ads on the 4 coloring books and just watching those sell for the time being..
Thoughts on future career: I have a lingering thought of quitting the hospital job in the New Year.. Right now, cons outweighs the pros I have working there.. Aside from the hurtful things a colleague said to me when I returned to work the week after my grandma passed, and how that other colleague compared my work ethics to whom she calls a “superstar”.. This “superstar” is also the same colleague that said those hurtful things to me.. And the colleague that compared me to her, was someone who is new to our department, who just started working in April 2024.. So, based on experience, she has no right to compare me.. I was most angry at how she compared my work ethics based on the fact that I’m a Casual, and the other colleague is a full-timer. That because as a Casual, I only work shifts based on covering others’ vacation, unlike the full-timer, she’s in the job basically 5 days a week, each year.. Unless she goes on vacation herself.. So she saying, because I’m not always working like the other colleague, my productivity and efficiency is lacking. Also, knowing the fact at will never stand a chance in getting a full-time position there (based on seniority hours, my 7000s hrs is nothing compared to someone with 32,000+ hrs who apply).. I know there are 2 colleagues who will be retiring in the next 2-3 years.. I also know who is interested in working in their place, one of them is currently working as a temporary in the Department, as before I started taking time off, we had one colleague who went on Maternity Leave, so a temp was hired.. Aside from the temp, I know who else will be interested in the job, and let’s just say, I don’t get along with them.. They both got me into trouble (was investigated, luckily, our Union Rep stood on my side).. But those two staff holds a gr*dge against me, and it’s been 2 years already.. That temp one that worked in my department before I took time off for grieving, knowing that she’s working, I already feel depressed.. So, when she replaces one of the colleagues who will retire, there is no way I would like to work with her on the same team.. It would only take a toll on my own mental health to work alongside her.. I love the work itself.. It gives me purpose and satisfaction, and I do like the nurses and a few anesthesiologists that I interact with.. But now, it’s those on my team directly that I’ve started feeling uncomfortable around.. I also don’t like how they treat me like their kid.. My age is the same as their own daughters.. So, whenever I went to work, I felt like there are 2 mothers nagging me.. Like, they don’t have to tell me what I need to do in the day, everyday.. I don’t need to be reminded of my own duties everyday.. I’m also observant enough to know what I need to do, if they didn’t get the chance to do it in their shift.. (I’m usually working the ending shift, so there are specific things I need to have ready for the staff who start the early morning shift). So, with the lingering thought of quitting, my go-to career, would be focusing on just the Publishing. But like I said, with the Grief, I do not have the interest, concentration, to make anymore developments on the business itself.
Physical and Mental Health: With the lack of energy and always feeling tired, I haven’t really been out and about.. Both my doctors, GP, and the Chinese Medicine doctor I was seeing earlier, asked me to exercise everyday.. Like, go for walks at least 3 times a week.. I haven’t been really doing that.. The only time I’d walk is probably during Wednesdays.. When I have my counselling.. As it’s like a 10 minute walk from where I parked to the counselling building, and I usually stop by the mall after I’ve had my comfort food (lunch at a Korean restaurant, which I’m a regular now), walk around, pick up a few things at the grocery store.. I also usually park far away.. So, it takes longer for me to walk across the mall to where I need to make a purchase.. Also, I’ve lost interest in cooking too.. And my appetite is not at its best.. I can survive with just 2 or less meals a day.. Before, I used to love baking, especially when I’m feeling depressed.. But this time around, with the grief, I don’t feel like cooking or eating, let alone baking.. As for my mental health.. Let’s just say with the grief, my brain is not working as it should be.. I think because I had just felt pure sadness in August, that my brain had shutdown since.. As my first counsellor described it, my nervous system is allowing my brain to shutdown as a defence mechanism to stop feeling sadness.. So now, it does not “feel” anymore.. Like, I cannot identify what I am feeling.. And thinking, it feels, especially when someone asks me questions.. I feel that I cannot search for an answer within my brain.. Almost like my brain is either so full of complex emotions that came with the grief, or it’s totally blank.. It’s like, I cannot focus enough to search through my brain for answers to questions..
Current thoughts: I had that brief chat with my mum on Monday, November 18th.. I told her all the thoughts that I’ve been having.. With work, with wanting to quit, with turning to Publishing business if I do quit, my progress in the grief.. But she didn’t comment much on anything.. She just mentioned that she had been wondering how I’m doing.. And that she’s worried about me, especially how this grief had basically made me pause in my life.. I also know that this grief has disrupted my life.. And yet, I feel that I don’t have much control over it and I don’t know how long it will take me to get my life back on track.. Whether that be returning to work at the Hospital or quitting and developing in our Publishing business instead.. I’m also getting more and more worried about my future.. As in, finding a husband.. January is around the corner, and I’ll be turning 38.. I wish there was something more I can do, than sending out an email with cover letter and resume on a monthly basis to that company I want to work for in China.. I wish there was something else I could do to contact the CEO and give him my offer to work there.. Rather than just sending out an email, which he probably never checks.. The only hope I have with that, is that at least the email doesn’t get bounced back.. So it means that the email address itself is still valid..
I will comment on your part in another post.
@ImpudentIncognito
@Jaeteuk
::Grief Counselling & Grief Support Group::
That's good to hear that the Grief Support Group has been really helpful for you! I hope to find something similar to what you have. Do you know when the Support Group will be back in session after the 3 months? Is it a seasonal thing? How does it work, if you don't mind me asking? Your friend/colleague honestly sounds like a keeper and good friend. Just curious, does she know you're thinking of quitting the hospital job? Is she also thinking of leaving as well? Also, do you guys work in adjacent departments or in the same one? Sorry lol I'm asking a lot of questions... 😅
::Bereavement Period::
It sounds like you have a lot of weight on your shoulders right now, and it bites that your family isn't really able to provide any comfort or support during the grieving period...It also doesn't help with the workplace issues. It sounds like your work colleagues (minus the cool one with the Frenchie dog) have been harassing/bullying you. I can see why you no longer want to work at the place tbh. Sounds like a pain dealing with those kinds of people daily...
I'm glad though that you have your friend/colleague around and that having Frenchie around is nice and therapeutic. Her and her family seem really awesome and supportive while you go through this hard time.
::Family Members::
Ah, based on your brother's beliefs in Buddhism, does he believe that your grandmother has reincarnated? Is that why maybe why he isn't...really talking about grief? Maybe that is helping him process your grandmother's death, I wonder? It is definitely not easy dealing with loss...I never really was close to my grandparents, the majority passed before I was born, and the one that I met (my father's mother) is one that I don't know to well...
I can't imagine the pain you are currently going through tbh. I know it's not just something to "get over" and it's not something that every really goes away, it's always sort of looming around in the back of the mind...My oldest sibling (and only sister) passed when she was a baby.
I figured out some details about her passing that had made me very, very upset with my parents, because it's partially their fault...but anyways...When I was catholic as a child, I used to pray EVERYDAY to talk to my sister. I'd tell her about my day, I'll tell her how I wished I could see her, I'd say I wish I was the one to go and that she was still here, etc. I was...a very depressed kid (now depressed adult). I'm no longer religious and I don't believe in anything (unless maybe something changes my mind down the road). My sister's passing sorta...I don't think about it as much as I used to, but also, never met her.
So again, I can't really fathom how you feel. Your grandmother was someone you used to see often and had a lot of memories and a relationship with...I think it's OK to take your time to grieve. It's OK to not really feel like doing anything during this period. This person was EXTREMELY important in your life. She wasn't just some random stranger, she was your grandmother who you love dearly. So SCREW the jerks at work who try to say "weLL yOu sHoULd hAvE tOLd uS!!". No, it's not any of their business.
::Publishing Business/Career::
I don't blame you losing interesting, since you're currently grieving. It's cool that you're still running adds though on your colouring books!
When you go to HK with your family later, are you thinking of maybe going to China and submitting your resume directly to the company you've been sending out resumes to monthly? Maybe it might be easier to submit in person? (You mentioned wanting to send it to the CEO, maybe you'll get a chance?)
Omg!!! 😱😡 Your rude colleagues + "superstar" boil my blood!!! 😠 They sound AWFUL to work alongside. I wouldn't want to work with them either! They're rude and unprofessional. Yeah honestly, I wouldn't return either if I were you. They're EXTREMELY disrespectful and that's frustrating. They shouldn't be treating you like that at ALL. My guess is that since you mentioned they're "mother-like", they could be threatened that you're younger than them and that you are VERY capable of your job, so they talk down on you and act superior to try and push you down...Screw them! 🤬 They probably feel their job threatened and trying to make you leave...Jokes on them, you got an awesome publishing business!! And maybe when you go to HK, you can go to China and turn in that resume in person!
Ug...I don't know your coworkers, but I heavily dislike them based on what you've told me about them so far.
I wrote a very long reply in a Google Docs.. but when I went to copy and paste it here, I got an error message.. So, I'll figure out what's wrong with my reply tomorrow.. and I'll see if I can send it off then.. Do you know if there's a place in Cups, where it explains what those error codes mean? That way, it's easier to go back and see if it's some words I need to change or whatnot..
@ImpudentIncognito
Yeah, I made a thread on it before here: Help: "Uh oh! An error was encountered saving your post. (Code 064)"
So it basically means I'm not allowed to copy and paste text? Because my reply has no images and I've censored specific words with a *.. It would be so annoying if I had to retype it to post..
@ImpudentIncognito
@Jaeteuk To be honest, I'm not entirely sure. So far that I know, 7cups HATES if you copy & paste a lot of text or images. It also doesn't like too many different formatting changes (ex. font size, colour, bold/italics/underline/strikethrough, bulleted points, inserted links, etc) into the post. So, I think that's why it rejected my post a few times...I had to just switch to small black font sometimes and re-type it by hand, depending on how many characters my post is.
I see.. Maybe I'll have to separate my reply.. It could be too long then. Let me give it a try again.
@ImpudentIncognito
The Grief Group Support is a Christian-based group. When my friend/colleague recommended it, she said that I don’t need to be a Christian to join.. But each session has an opening and closing prayer done by the host.. And the videos we watch are also Christian-based.. It used to be held three times a year when it first started back in 2017. Now, it’s twice a year.. The next session starts in April.. So, aside from taking a break from counselling in the New Year.. like for February and March, it will mean that there’s no Group Support during that time too.. So, I’m hoping with my current group, I can get in touch with one of the members there.. And maybe we could go out for coffee.. One lady mentioned that to me about 2 sessions ago.. When we were in the parking lot walking towards our cars, she called out to me that we should go for coffee some time.. So, I’m thinking of asking her for her contacts this coming week.. So, we can arrange to hang out for some time.. She lost her husband earlier this year.. The program itself is called GriefShare.. I’m guessing it’s a fairly large organization, since its website is a .org..
With that friend, I talked to her about my thoughts of quitting when we had lunch together 2 weeks ago. She used to work in the adjacent department.. In the Operating Room, there is a place where we call Pre-Surgery and Post-Surgery/Recovery.. They are both connected to the OR.. Where a group of nurses work to check-in the patient, get them changed to hospital gowns, give them any pre-surgery medications.. Then, nurses from the OR will go and either walk the patient into the Operating Room itself or wheel them into the room on the stretcher.. Then, after surgery, the patient is wheeled over to the Post-Surgery, then, when they’ve woken up from anesthesia, they are moved over to Recovery.. Each of those mini-departments are all connected to the OR by going through big doors.. It’s basically one large department, we all share the same lounge/lunchroom. She took a temporary one-year line, working from home, rather than a nurse in Post-Surgery, she took a position with the Medical Software system, doing Customer Service-like work.. Our hospital is one of the first hospitals to switch over to using a Medical Software for charting.. While other hospitals are slowly rolling into the system after us.. No more paper charting, everything is on the computer system now.. She started this remote job in July, so she still has until next summer to be working at home. She’s the one that gave me the idea that if I want to keep my position, then, to work just the minimum required hours per year.. Which I told her, equals to 31 days of work in a year.. But I mean, if I feel like quitting, then, there’s no point in keeping the position by working those 31 days.. You know, for the shift I usually cover 12pm - 8pm, the evening tasks are what I enjoy the most.. We have 6 operating rooms, each room, there is a portable cart that has 6 drawers of supplies and medications..At the end of each day, I’m in charge of wiping those down and refilling the supplies.. For me, this part specifically, I love the most.. It has purpose and gives me satisfaction.. Why or how? To have refilled the supplies, aides the Anesthesiologist who is working in that surgery room with whatever it is they have to do.. Like putting medication into the patient’s IV.. So to me, refilling supplies, helping the Anesthesiologists, it’s like I’m indirectly helping the patient too.. That in itself, gives me satisfaction to know that my work helps the patient feel better.. As patients need surgery to help get rid of pain, fix broken bones or get rid of cancer cells, etc.. Yes, working a Union job in a Hospital provides a decent pay.. I get about $27/hr CAD.. Many say, once you’ve worked full-time for at least 25 years, your pension in retirement will be enough for the rest of one’s life.. I believe I’m the only person who thinks that way with my job.. I know many current and past colleagues only chose to work this job because of the pay, and the pension they’d get at the end if they stay in the medical field long enough.. I don’t think many think the way I do.. That the job is meaningful in this way.. Before I started in the OR, I completed a Certificate Program to work as a Technician, in a department that's closely related to the OR. Back then, that type of work was also meaningful in the same sense.. As I was the one cleaning, assembling, and sterilizing the surgical instruments needed to be used by surgeons.. So, the cleanliness of the instruments and putting together the sets for specific surgeries, plays an even larger role for Surgeons to complete their surgical procedures on patients.. My work is what others probably call it behind-the-scenes type of work, not known by others, but just as important as the surgeons and anesthesiologist.. Without us, surgery cannot be performed..
With my brother, he believes that although Grandma has passed, that her soul has left her body and went somewhere else.. Whether that be to another body, tree, animal.. He believes her soul lives on.. So, in his mind, Grandma has not really left him.. My parents are Christians, so in their mind, Grandma could be in Heaven.. But Grandma also believes in Buddhism.. So, I guess she has reincarnated..You know though, with my Grandma, I don’t have too many memories of her.. Like, we didn’t spend years living together.. But, my memories of when she visited us in Canada in the first few years when we immigrated here, those visits were precious.. I remember those days like it was yesterday, as well as the time my parents and I went on vacation to HK back in 2008.. Just how I’ve told my counsellor, and my Group Support.. That I was probably more emotionally attached to Grandma, despite the little amount of time we’ve spent together, and the lack of closeness we had.. My grief came with a lot of sadness and regrets.. As I felt, I should’ve gone to visit her the last couple of years.. And now she’s gone, any future plans to visit her are now severed.. At least, it will be at her grave instead.. I think I was also more impacted also because I never got to meet my Grandpa, he passed a year before I was born.. I’ve only seen pictures of him at Grandma’s house.. In his military uniform, a very handsome man. My heart feels heavy just thinking about this.. Grandma had always been that happy-go-lucky personality.. Her laughs were contagious, her hairstyle has not changed for all those years, I remember her to be looking the same as when I was still young.. My Aunts are slowly going through Grandma’s belongings in her apartment.. A few weeks ago, my mum said a couple of Aunts took the entire day to go through one small room of things.. When my mum was still in HK, I mentioned, if we could keep some photos of Grandma, something I could keep in memory of her, or look at when I’m missing her.. My mum says, because she’s the youngest sibling, she’d be the last person to be given Grandma’s things (pictures or belongings)..
@ImpudentIncognito
Part 2
Back then, to that colleague who told me I should’ve told her I was in a bad mood.. I only told her I was worried about someone being really sick back home.. I didn’t go into details back then, that my Grandma had a heart attack.. The “superstar” colleague said something to me where it made me feel disrespected and was super inconsiderate of her.. This was when I left work earlier after the news that Grandma has passed.. I ended up calling in sick for Wed-Fri shift that week, when I returned to work the following week.. This is what she told me, “We all have crap going on at home, and we still come to work.”.. Both colleagues said something similar to me.. That everyone has things going on at home, and yet they still come to work and leave the worries at home.. In my mind, I’m like, “Are your problems at home including losing a loved one? How is it the same with my loss to things happening in your home that’s causing worries?”.. I was so angry with that comment.. It was so disrespectful and inconsiderate to my case.. How can they compare those matters and then make me feel like I’m not allowed to call in sick for those 3 days after my Grandma passed.. That “superstar” colleague, that week, she also compared her loss of living space (she lives in a Co-op, and a unit in her building caught fire over the summer, so she’s been living in a temporary place until all renovations have been completed, before she could move back in).. I mean, I guess losing a living space can bring on some grief.. But, it’s entirely different with losing a person vs an object, her home can be fixed, replaced.. Losing a person, they are gone forever.. I can’t believe she made that comparison.. In one day, she said the same thing to me 3-4 times.. And my shift only overlaps her shift for 2.5hrs.. That’s like telling me every 30 minutes.. I was SO angry that day.. I mean, if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.. Even just a “I’m sorry for loss” is good enough.. She also said, “You know, it’s good to come to work.. Keep your mind busy so you’re not thinking about the loss”.. The next day, I told her, coming to work had been more stressful than for me to stay at home.. Because by then, I was in the sadness mode.. Going to work that first week of August, I felt that working, I’m just doing everything by muscle memory.. My mind was definitely not present at work, and my short-term memory was also in effect.. I often forgot what I was doing, once I was disturbed by a Nurse asking a question.. It was definitely a lot more stressful to be working that week.. She also ended up talking me into working for her vacation.. She was going to take that week’s Thursday to the following week off.. As a Casual, I have to “bid” for the open shifts, and I okayed to work that week’s Thursday and Friday on Tuesday.. And the Manager accepted my bid.. But after working Tuesday and Wednesday’s shift, I realized I’m not in the right mind to work.. So, on Wednesday, at the beginning of my shift, as I was signing in at the front desk, my Supervisor asked if I was working for the rest of the week.. I told her, at first, I had said “yes”, but I’m thinking about canceling it because I realized I’m not ready to work yet.. She was like, “Well, you came to work today”.. I’m thinking yea, because up until today, I was pre-booked and felt that I should work it, but after working Mon-Wed, especially with what that colleague had said to me on the Monday, working during the early times after Grandma passed is not doable.. And like I said, I had felt more stressed working at that time.. Good news here though, that Supervisor is retiring, her last day is December 17th 2024. And the person replacing her, is a Nurse.. But oh well, if I’m planning to quit, who cares for who’s taking her spot.. I also found out, another nurse I like is resigning too.. I sent her an email, thanking her for being knowledgeable in her service and for providing me with info whenever I asked her for help.. I told her, I might not be able to see her when she leaves.. So, I said my goodbyes in the email..
@ImpudentIncognito
Part 3
With my colleagues.. I used to be okay with them, but with the recent things they’ve said to me during the time I was grieving.. The inconsiderateness and disrespectful responses.. It totally made my blood boil too.. And that colleague that compared my work status (Casual vs Full-time), isn’t that a form of discrimination? I actually reported this to my Union Rep.. and he did say he would investigate it more after I return to work.. As I told him, I’ll be off for the rest of the year to grieve for a loss.. Come to think of it now, if I plan to quit.. I’ll just let him know to forget about it.. He helped me a couple of years ago, when a few colleagues ganged up on me and filed a complaint, that was when I was investigated, meaning, both Managers were in the meeting, of course, with the Union Rep on my side.. But that time, what I did, like how I handled the matter was correct.. I followed the Respectful Workplace procedures.. But the staff that filed the complaint, skipped everything.. You know, rather than coming to me, or replying to my reminders that they felt offended or whatnot, they went straight to their Manager and told them I was saying inappropriate things, or things that I don’t have a right to say to them.. Like, I had no idea what was going on, until one day, I got an email from my Manager, saying an Investigation Meeting is needed, and set for which day and time.. These staff were people I once worked with in that first Department I worked at.. I was personally messaging them, telling them things they have missed picking for the surgery cases, or putting things on the wrong racks on the carts, or picking the wrong items.. And have the nurses complain to me of their wrongdoings.. I was just reminding the staff to check their work.. Yes, the people I was messaging are staff who are much higher seniority than me, so to them, I don’t have the right/voice to say what they’re doing is wrong.. But, if they told me to stop telling them those things, or that they felt hurt, I would’ve stopped.. Here, I thought I was giving them a friendly reminder, rather than telling their Supervisor of the mistakes, I’m telling them directly.. If I went to the Supervisor, they might’ve gotten in trouble for the mistakes.. So, in my mind, I’m doing them a favor for not taking it to the next level, their Supervisor.. And yet, they skipped all levels, and ganged up on me and filed a complaint to their Manager about my actions.. So, our Union Rep, stood on my side.. But that Investigative Meeting, I had to admit what I did was wrong, otherwise, things would not have gotten resolved.. But this incident happened 2 years ago, and those staff still holds a gr*dge against me.. How do I know? Working in the OR, I often have to call their department for surgical instruments or whatnot, when that person answers the phone.. She always hangs up the moment after I finish talking, or at other times, she’ll call our department, wanting to ask a question, and when I answer with my name, she would ask for my other colleagues instead. There were times where I stuck around, to listen in on their conversation, and she’s just asking questions that I could’ve easily answered.. So, she just plainly doesn’t want to speak to me.. So, knowing that she will eventually apply to the shifts in the OR when my other two colleagues retire, there is NO way I would want to work any overlapping shifts with her..She’s there now as a temp, and had already not like working with her earlier.. So, if I were to stay working at the Hospital, I will end up quitting once she officially has a position in the department.. But even now.. With those colleagues who said those hurtful things to me, I also don’t feel like returning to work with them.. The cons are outweighing the pros, especially after this incident.. I feel upset whenever I think about what they have said to me, my voice gets louder when I was telling my mum about it the other day we had the chat too.. She thought I was still having my blood boil with the incident.. I told her, it’s not as intense and it doesn’t feel that way anymore.. But, I do get upset because of what she has already said, so feelings are already hurt and there’s not turning back..She did apologize that day, on her way out at the end of her shift, she came to me saying she didn’t intend to saying anything offensive (I guess she noticed I was upset/angry).. But it’s too late, telling me the same thing 3-4 times with slightly different wordings within 2.5 hours.. Apologizing did not really help.. She probably just said that to make herself feel better..
@ImpudentIncognito
Last part:
Going to China, I don't think I'll be able to hand in my resume in person. I only know the city his company is in, and I don't have the exact address.. Plus, my parents don't like China.. But, I plan on telling my parents that maybe we can sign up for some land tours to go with my Aunt, just as we did back in 2008.. So, unless I get a response or confirmation that he wants to hire me, I will not be telling my parents about it.. And this is this like a dream career (even if there is 0% chance).. So, I will not stop sending these emails out, until I get a response of some sort.. or if the emails get bounced back.
@ImpudentIncognito
A social media commentary channel, what type of writing would that be? Script? That real estate exam, is it just offered in that one State? I’d thought they’d have it in every State.. My health is about the same, I saw the Chinese Medicine doctor for 4 weeks, and am taking a break from it now.. But you know how that works, it takes time to see any effect.. So, it’s difficult to know if anything has worked.. I don’t do acupuncture, just drinking tonics.. My GP ordered more bloodwork for me.. So, I’ll need to make another appointment for that.. But, I’m thinking about doing it a week away from my next appointment in December..
You know.. When I’m crossing the streets as a pedestrian.. I often watch for cars.. Like, I always look behind me, to see if there are any cars waiting to turn left into the road I’m crossing.. So, I end up making a short run for the curb, unless there are other people behind me, then, I’d take my time.. On Wednesday, I was crossing an entrance to an underground parking.. Before I got to the entrance, I saw a car wanting to turn into it, so I purposely slowed down my pace so they could turn first.. Guess what? The lady in the car gave me a wave, as in “thanks for slowing down and letting me turn”.. I did a wave and a little bow back at her.. But you know, it’s the first time ever that someone noticed and acknowledged my actions.. But I’ve always been like that when crossing the street.. Whether that be at the light through an intersection, or side streets where there’s Stop Signs, or crossing the entrance of underground parking.. I’m always on a lookout on cars in both directions, who are trying to turn into the street I’m walking across.. I honestly have never seen anyone do what I do when crossing the street.. Am I being too considerate of drivers on the road?
I feel that men who grew up in abusive families, tend to carry that on in their own relationships.. As it’s not normal for them to seek help or maybe feel that there’s anything wrong with how their parents treated them.. When I worked a retail job, about ten years ago, I had a coworker whose husband was verbally abusive and manipulative.. She often cried at work when mentioning their relationship.. Another coworker and I told her to either leave him or seek help, go to couples counselling.. She quit before I did, so I’m not sure how things ended up for her.. It sounds like your current partner doesn’t think his way of thinking about women has anything wrong.. His generalizations of how “women should be” already seems like a red flag to me..
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@Jaeteuk
It's a commentary channel on social media news BUT they want help writing a medieval fantasy comic lol. I thought it would be a fun gig! I've done technical writing too for jobs, such as writing policies/guidelines but... I don't have that saved because it's confidential information. I'll have to make up my own prompts or if I write one again, I'll have to redact specific information...
In terms of real estate -- yes. It's specific to state due to different laws and procedures. So, since I lived in Solterra and moved to Planaterra (mother's house)...I would be getting a license specific to Solterra. Both Planaterra and Solterra have different laws surrounding real estate. I would have to start over if I where to go with Planaterra's real estate. Housing is definitely cheaper in Planaterra but...it's...pretty plain...not much to do here...I grew up here and don't want to stay...
Ah okay, so the bloodwork will happen maybe 2 weeks from now? Is there something specific that the GP is looking for with that bloodwork lab?
You really are considerate of the drivers, and I don't think that's a bad thing! It's also a safe thing to do. When I was walking home many, many years ago, I pressed the pedestrian button at the traffic light. The pedestrian light lit up for me to walk, and as I was walking, a car ram RIGHT into my left side and knocked me to the ground. The COMPLETELY disregarded the light. I was in a bad headspace at the time. I just dusted myself off and walked away and they kept apologizing but I didn't want to be bothered and said I was OK lol.
Years later, found out it damaged my left side...And I might have been making it worse due to the type of work I was doing -- that required heavy lifting... So...I think if I were to cross again as a pedestrian, EVEN if it lights up for me, I'm going to be EXTRA cautious...
All of my exes have grown up in abusive backgrounds, unfortunately and have parent/mother issues...When my current partner says things about women, I correct him and explain from my side and give him videos. I even kind of use his ex as an example (she's really pretty, and when she started her job at the same place as him YEARS ago, she would get harassed by the men there). I explained the 💩we have to go through and he goes "Oh...Okay that makes sense". I said "Imagine what happens to your ex, but the majority of women. THAT is what we have to deal with. I understand your perspective as a man, and yeah, it sucks but WE also deal with stuff too". Sometimes he'll be like "I know, I'm just saying what I dealt with specifically or in my experience" or he'll say "Yeah...I grew up with a toxic mother and toxic sister, sorry I'm projecting". So...sometimes he'll be aware he's projecting, but sometimes he'll be annoying about it depending on his mood. I think ever since he stopped taking his meds, he would talk more negatively like that, he wasn't like that prior. It's a weird shift and I think he needs to see a psychiatrist again and a therapist...He's becoming someone else w/o his meds.
Apart from that...I feel bad but...his ex wants him back and he denied her since we're dating, but sometimes I wonder if they should just pair up. I worry if I leave he might not be in a good mental state...When his ex FIRST broke up with him, he drank a LOT and tried to make himself not exist in this world anymore but his attempt failed (luckily). Then, we met on dating app.
We had a talk about expectations and such. He's known his ex for years, but only dated her for 2 months...I asked bluntly (in the beginning of us dating) if he still liked her, what he wants out of the relationship, does he want serious or casual, etc. I told him either way, I wouldn't hold it against him. He doesn't have much dating experience, only his ex and I said if he DOES want it casual, that's fine, whatever. Just tell me.
He did say he was heartbroken but wanted to get over it, and wanted a serious relationship. He was looking to settle down and have kids. I... don't know if I want more kids tbh for reasons...(Medical and mental). I also am not really a person to have a lot of dogs and cats. I like animals, but I don't think my lifestyle is suitable for that because I travel... FoS forced me to get pregnant despite me not wanting kids so...I...don't want to EVER get baby-trapped again(not saying he would, but men...well some men will WANT kids, but all the effort gets thrown on the woman and it really BITES).... FoS wanted NOTHING to do with son if I rejected a relationship with FoS, and well, FoS isn't around anymore. I would've been single and childfree, but I'm not now....
I guess I date because I was hoping to provide a positive male figure to my son, but I'm failing at that...personally...I kind of like being alone. Cuddling and dates are nice and all, but I'm tired of putting in all the effort. I'm the more romantic one, typically. I'm the type to come up with date ideas and pay, or come and bring gifts, serenade them with my guitar, write love letters, hold the door open for them, etc. I know that's cringey, lame, and old school so...Idk...some people don't really like that. Men would get upset with me and say it's emasculating (FoS & to an extent -- Mr. HM, that'd feel embarrassed...) My brothers in Solterra told me I needed to stop doing that, because it makes men uncomfortable so idk...
My current partner likes it though lol. He doesn't mind and said he never had anyone do that for him.
Idk...I mean...dating is fun(not really talking about the "intimate part" lol, just like, going out with someone is cool and having that chemistry/connection.), sure. But idk if I want a long term relationship anymore and I don't want to bring friends NOR boyfriends(even if long-term) around son if they're just gonna be jerks. I have trust issues now and avoidance attachment, maybe? I need therapy first.
I kind of feel like current partner MIGHT have been a better friend than lover?...idk...And yes, I agree about the red flags. I guess I'm just like...stuck in this loop, you know? Not an excuse, but like, all my life, if something bad happens to me, I just go "Oh, I deserve that treatment" or "I shouldn't expect anything GOOD to happen".
I'm also wondering if maybe I'm viewing things through a biased-lensed though?? He has done a LOT of good too?? I don't know if I trust my judgement sometimes, that's why I write it here...but you mentioned red flag, and I agree. He has helped me out a lot too, so idk if I'm being harsh? He seems open to learning new views and he even looked up autism, because my son is autistic.
I just...when he's off his meds, he's a different person...and he's been depressed lately and became medically obese and isn't interested in doing much in life at the moment. I don't want to leave at such a time but like...
I'm also depressed and dealing with stuff too. I have my own baggage, but I try my best. I kind of want him to show that he's trying too, maybe he is? Idk, but it's just like...
I got a job that pays decent, I'm getting my UX Design certification, I'm getting my real estate license, and I applied to do a gig for that social media commentary channel. I'm also about to work on new portfolios for UX Design and going to try and taking writing more seriously to publish short stories, and eventually comics...I miss drawing and enjoy it...Just not in a comfortable space to draw... I want to compose music again I just want to do SO much in life.
He just says to try and focus on one thing, and yes, he's right, but...I still want to try...My main priority (for now) is UX Design, because that'll definitely make it easier to travel to where i wanna live...
Ok lol sorry, just rambling right now haha.
Ooh.. Medieval Fantasy Comic sounds cool.. By the way, were you able to check out Coursiv for remote jobs?
The bloodwork, I mentioned how even with IUD, I was still spotting.. And she explained, IUD only helps thin the uterine lining, but for some, it doesn’t mean their period will stop entirely.. I remember my Gynecologist once said my lining is very thick, so, even with the IUD, it will be normal if I still spot or get a light period.. Which is annoying, because with the spotting, it comes whenever, causing me the need to wear like a panty liner on most days.. So, that’s why my GP said that it’s been a while since she’s checked my Iron levels.. She also ordered Glucose and to check my thyroid for Hypothyroidism.. Yes, I’ll look at appointments in December, and make a morning appointment in either the first or second week of December.. Or at least, 3-4 days before my next appointment.
It’s just when I’m crossing the street, I don’t want to be someone who delays drivers who have a destination.. And all drivers on the road are heading somewhere.. So, rather than walking as slow as a turtle across the street (or how some people text and walk, or chatting with a group of friends), I’d rather pick up my pace so drivers can make their turn, or I’ll give them a hand gesture to turn first.. As a pedestrian, I’m not the only person on the road.. There are drivers too.. But like I said, if there are others behind me, I won’t purposely pick up my pace, because the driver would still need to wait for the person behind me to have crossed too before they could turn into the road. It's the same, when I go to Costco with my parents and we’re pushing a cart, I always try to be off to the side, or on the same side as others with a cart, so there’s like a “passing lane”.. The other day, when I was trying to stay out of the way of other shoppers, my mum got frustrated.. Saying that I don’t need to mind other people, as others will maneuver their cart if we are in their way.. That I don’t need to “intentionally” stay out of someone’s way.. I actually got upset with her comment.. Because that’s the way I am.. Being considerate of others.. So, she took the cart away from me and pushed it herself.
It’s good to hear your partner actually did some research on autism for the sake of your son.. When you said he’s like a different person without his meds, why did he stop taking them? I know some people need both, meds and counselling.. But if they don’t want counselling, then, at least stay on the meds.. In his current state, it does seem a bit inappropriate to break things off with him.. As he seems to be doing better when you are there for him.. Honestly, I don’t have much dating experience myself, so I don’t know what I say makes sense.. But I think if you both have feelings for each other, and are both either making changes in yourselves to make the relationship work, putting that effort and trust in each other, I think it balances out the negative things he has done/said.. Because as someone who came from an abusive family, it’s difficult to change certain habits, unless he “wants” to change for the better, and believes that the past is “wrong”.. But like you said, you both have things going on in life, you both have your own weight on your shoulders, if you’re the only person helping him take some of his weight off, but he’s not doing much to help you with yours.. Then, you can think about if this man is someone you want to settle down with.. I believe all relationships need to be two-ways, one cannot always be the person who puts the effort.. Otherwise you’ll burn out eventually.. I remember you’ve once said that at one point, he was looking for a place so you and your son could move in with him.. What happened to finding that place? Is he no longer thinking about living together with you? Because at this moment, moving out of your horrific place is top priority.. And back then, if he had carried out the plan of finding that place, you might have already been free from your family by now.. As for settling down and having kids, your man needs to respect you.. If you’re not ready to have a kid or feel like he’s just trying to tie you down with a kid.. Without the respect of your wishes, he’s not the right man for you..
I messaged Tommy about my error code, see if he has any suggestions for my post.
@ImpudentIncognito
