Out of The Corner/In The World
Hi! Some of you might know of my other space here, In the corner. Or just, "the corner" in my head. This is the world! I.e this is me learning to "adult" (what?), get out of my comfort zone, accept my flaws, seek the positives in life, etc etc! My journey out of the comfort zone, basically. And it's going to be rocky, it's going to be real hard, and I'm going to end up in the corner venting about something more times than not, probably, but it's a step, I think.
Let's get out of the corner! (That was kinda cheesy!)
The worst part is that dad had this house built with all years worth of savings, for us. For me and sis. So that we wouldnt have to live in rented flats anymore
And i hate this house. I dont want to but i do. Every thing here. I wasnt given a choice in the furniture or even bedding of my own bed. And ive been alone here in this house more with mom more than anywhere else
And i hate it. Being alone with her. We've only been here a comparetively little while, and i already have memories of anger, sadness and helplessness in every nook and cranny of this house.
This house, this religion, this country. Im done with all of it
When you legally become an adult & have some skills under your belt (teaching?)...you will be able to leave. The West is still standing, for now.
@slowdecline48 the encouragement is appreciated. The suggestion- will not be heeded 😃 my country, ridiculous, broken and dying, yes- but not alone. Your people have your skills, your oppurtunities. My people, need to stop running to you xD
@unassumingEyes (and i know, its a different tone from earlier. I know. Sometimes i get a bit hopeless. Sometimes i resent all of it. But the least i can do is try)
That's an interesting answer...& rather impressive. Not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn't that...
Just for perspective, in quite a few parts of the US there are school districts crying for teachers too. In my state there are even certification programs & Florida ain't the only state running such things. If you have a bachelor's degree here then you're eligible, no matter what kind of degree it is...I think even people with associate's degrees can apply, but I don't know for sure. The point is we are desperate for teachers here, particularly for grade & high school. The only reasons I haven't applied are because I'm not a "kid person", don't need the hassle at this point in my life & am also chronic. School districts need people who can be there 5 days a week, not people who have off days without warning.
One other thought: if teaching in Pakistan is impossible, you could move to Kuwait...With all the oil money they've piled up, their schools must be well equipped.
Stupid girl, she said. I spent all day struggling with work. I did more than half of my friends work for gods sake, all of it written, in fullspeed before the teacger came to check our hws because i knew my friend wouldnt be able to get it done and ive never done this before, but this teacher is awful and i couldnt let her in get trouble. We had a test today, in freaking out about exam, and my friends think that im chemistry sirs favourite, so i absolutely have to do good in this chem exam-
Stupid girl. I can think of a lot of other stupid things in this world, but im never allowed to say those, am i?
Look at me getting all worked up over one phrase. Breathing exercises arent helping. I dont have time for this, i gotta study but
My chest started hurting now whats the point of these breathing exercises if they wont help?
@unassumingEyes It's a hurtful and disrespectful thing to say to anyone. Especially when you're trying so hard with all your school work. It's totally unfair of someone to say that and to me shows THEIR level of intelligence that they would resort to insults
@mytwistedsoul or their level of maturity...to be more precise, the lack thereof.
@unassumingEyes is a smart cookie. We all know that.
Just dont bother dont bother
I feel like the book im reading in the library is at its happy ending but theres still a good amount of pages left 😬
@unassumingEyes Happy endings are never guaranteed, dear... Best not to expect that in life.
@slowdecline48 i dont expect any happy endings in real life 🫡
No seriously xD but my books better have happy endings...
"...praying with every last fibre of his being for a God he didn't believe in.."
Books get me
@unassumingEyes that hits hard 😀
I haven't read whatever you got that from...it sounds like something I could vibe with. Title, please?
@slowdecline48 it was online, I don't remember the title 🫠 I was browsing Google books xD
Oh god...technology! 😤
Meanwhile, as of now I've never used ChatGPT for anything. 🤪
@slowdecline48 oh, i hate ai so much. Especially ai creativity. Way to ruin art, writing, and all the windows to the human soul. Makes me shudder.
Tell me about it...I'm an artist. Used to be a freelancer, then I started getting old & my main chronic illness emerged. Then came Midjourney & DALL-E.
Today's illustrators/graphic designers/etc. are either obsolete or quickly becoming so. The difference is not all of them know it yet.
@slowdecline48 i know! And theyre kind of working on ais for poetry and stuff, and please, stop. Dont.
@unassumingEyes
(srry but yk there are already ais for poetry right- i thought everyone knew that. like rlly high tech ais specifically designed to generate a poem/s exactly how you want it. I don’t use them but i used to get ideas from them and try and copy the structure if that makes sense (I’ve gotten better since then sometimes I might need synonyms for words so they cld rhyme better or smth but now all my poems are all me if u were wondering tho <3) but from what I’ve seen they can write amazing stuff but i feel like it’s less.. well obviously it’s less human but it’s less- real. because u cld get ai to write such an emotive poem but it’s not the same like none of it means anything yk. um anyways srry I’ll stop now 😭 ❤️❤️)
@iloveyouxx Perhaps AI-generated poetry is "less real" because you know that no heart or soul (for lack of better words) went into it?... Ditto for AI "art". No matter how good it looks to a human audience, the piece was still made by a fancy algorithm...a virtual machine, basically. The AI just does what its programming makes it do; it is not conscious of what it does, nor does it have any feelings about its tasks whatsoever. The "poem" is not really a poem even though it looks like one. It is an end-product.
The other issue is that AI "art generators" make their pictures by data-scraping pics already on the Internet...anywhere on the Net. Whether the pics are copyrighted/trademarked or not makes no difference--they use them anyway. I don't know if "poetry generators" do the same thing, but if they do then it's no surprise.
Fortunately there is still some pushback going on...in California there is a class-action suit against one of the companies that created & owns an AI art generator (I don't recall which one...might be Stable Diffusion). There are also online art communities that explicitly ban AI-generated art.1 Members of those communities are not allowed to use AIs in making stuff to post in their galleries.
1Full disclosure: I am a member of one such community. However I won't post links here because 1] Cups rules & 2] I like having privacy...what little I have left.
@iloveyouxx no apologies needed! And for the recorded, i get using ai to improve your own work, thats reasonable. Using ai and calling it your (general) own work tho, thats a no, please and thank you
Also if poetry is to express feelings how can we expect something that doesnt feel to get it right?
@unassumingEyes One other thing: if you ever change your mind about trying to help Pakistan & decide to head West...if you ever think about the United Kingdom, don't go there.
@slowdecline48 that's funny, I think of that with majority western countries. Including, I apologise, with the US. And if I were to leave pakistan, it wouldn't be for the west. It would be for some Arab country, if possible, or somewhere like Turkey 🤷♀️
Why apologize? It's your opinion. I rarely ever apologize for my opinions 😃 Besides, you're not that far off. On this side of the pond, we aren't sliding downhill like Britain or Germany...but we are in decline, yes. The US reached its highest peak in 1991 or shortly thereafter. (The Rodney King riots happened but those were a blip) Our economy was booming; our military was among the best on the planet; we were the only superpower left after the USSR collapsed. By the mid-90's declinist forces were in motion; however they did not emerge right away...I'll refrain from going down ye olde rabbit hole in your journal. 😆 Have posted about it in mine more than once already. I could be wrong--the future is never totally clear--& our best days may have not yet arrived...but I don't think so.
Good luck, wherever you decide to pursue your teaching career.
Tw, i guess
Woke up today feeling surprosingly bitter. Not the affect of good sleep that id been hoping for. No, i was almost...angry. and wrapped in a not so comfy blanket of... grief i guess. Stayed in bed for about an hour more before getting up. Just stewing in it.
My sir, again. Just. Cant leave my mind yet, huh? Sounds ungrateful, kind of, but this weird grief thing- gets tiring.
But yeah, i woke up angry. Dug out, metaphorically, the image from *** of him getting an award from school. Roughly 8 days before he passed. That photo really does haunt me.
Well. And angers me. Three decades of teaching, and more than two of teaching in that school. Not a single bit of recognition or appreciation, till he was thin and wilting under the harshness of illness.
And how good they must feel of themselves. For giving him that final bit of appreciation, after years of "professional" distance.
It makes me more bitter than it must have made him, i think
I managed to move on with my day, after. About half hour ago, i was struck again, not only with this but with everything else, and felt that powerful kind of sadness you cant do much against but ride it out. Its passed, now, but
Well, you know.
@unassumingEyes It means you still care about him very much. That's sweet of you.
Whenever we lose someone we're attached to, these storms will come...maybe for a good while.
Well, not much better than yesterday. Three times remembering sir. Found out two tests marks: eng at 14/20 and phy at 15.5/20. Mom knows about neither- ofcourse she doesnt. Do I look brave enough to tell her?
My maternal grandmother came. As a surprise. Like "surprise I'm going to stay with you for a few days!"
Well.
She's like to mom as mom is to me. Not the best relationship between the two of them. Makes me think of the abuse cycle. And all that. Makes me feel too afraid to have kids of my own. But well, I'm 16. I have time to figure that out atleast
I think sis will be a good mom. She struggles with empathy, she really does, I know that better than anyone else, and we've had lots of fights over it. But she's better than mom, either way
So yeah, grandmother's here. Ta-da. Let's see how this plays out. All I know is I have exam on 16th and I am thoroughly panicked, grandmother or no grandmother
She's my only living grandparent, so. Yeah.
@unassumingEyes Am a bit surprised at how your English exam turned out. You seem to speak it well enough in Cups-Land. Do you tend to panic before taking tests generally?
@slowdecline48 yes and no. I mean, i do panic, but thats not the issue. My english tests have been coming at a steady 17+, as well as physics, honestly. Its the urdu- im throwing everything into passing urdu, i cant find the time to do anything else. I didnt prepare for these tests, knowing i would atleast pass, so im not surprised at the result.
But my overall percentage is going to suffer, i know.
Tw, i guess
Bodys being dumb nowadays. Back and arm ached yesterday, back and leg ache today. Checked my BMI online, not good. Definitely underweight says literally every site i check. Well, thanks for the input
I barely had breakfast today. Almost threw it up- and not the on purpose or out of habit kind. Cant eat certain textures, cant swallow them, they just come back up. Its weird. Its disgusting. Noone in my family actually understands it. But here we are
@unassumingEyes Can you find good foods that you can eat? 🙁 Geez...it's bad enough that a mutual acquaintance of ours has this problem. I've read about her puking & not eating in her journal already. Now you have an eating issue too... Oy vey. Not good. Growing girls need to eat to fuel their blossoming!
@slowdecline48 i eat as much as i can in meals, but admittedly its not doing much. Dad keeps trying to get me to try a different way: eating more, smaller meals instead of 3 big ones a day. Which would help since i have trouble eating most breakfast foods....but mom doesnt let me not finish breakfast, and then my appetite gets ruined for the rest of the day 😀
Its not bad...i mean im underweight so its kind of bad... but ive never been very strong so the pains and weak immunity is like my norm since forever. Its kinda getting worse and thats bad but im working on not letting it get worse atleast
Your dad's idea is a good one. Very good, actually. Several smallish meals throughout the day are easier to get down & keep the body fueled steadily...no drop in energy or feeling too full at any one time. Dunno why your mother wouldn't agree to it.
As for the rest...Jesus on toast. 🤦🏼♂️ You & Nadia will make me lose even more hair off my head than I have already.
I know it's unlikely given your family situation, but you should be checked out by a doctor. You may have anorexia...but the only way to know for sure is if you're examined by a professional.
@slowdecline48 its not anorexia, im pretty sure. Atleast from what ive learned abour anorexia. Thats kind of from a body image issue, and i absolutely dont have that
A possibility a friend pointed out to me on cups is ARFID. Which makes sense with my texture and smell issues while eating. But i cant get it checked, because...my mom xD
What's up with your mom? Doesn't she give a d*mn about your health at all? She sounds like a horrible woman, TBH.
Apparently my sister finds "hugging friends" as emotional (on the negative sense)
Well. Okay-
Had a mild nightmare. Its 6.33 now, and im dreading waking up again later at 10-11. Then its study all day with minimum rest. Oof. I was kinda close to burnout before these 2 days off- so thank god for this extra sleep. Much needed.
Speaking of god, i still have a conscience (spellings go whoosh) I mean (xD) with respect to the islamic pov of right/wrong. Like earlier i was whisper singing which is a nope from islam, and brain went "well thats wrong". I kept it up for a bit, i mean its just because i grew up being told singing is wrong, right? But my brain was persistent, and then i thought it was just stupid to keep doing something that i felt so deeply was wrong and yeah
I'm trying to leave your journal alone so you can have some privacy, I swear...no, really. I am. But.
What kind of religion--what kind of belief system, period--has rules against singing, "whisper" or otherwise? And why? 🤨
Is it because you're a girl?...female voices are a sinful temptation to men or something?
@slowdecline48 no, nothing like that. Here's the belief, but please do some research before forming an opinion because I cannot advocate for Islam I'm a child xD
Basically, you know the whole thing about Satan? Idk how Christianity says it, but basically, God told angels and jinns to bow before Adam. Satan was too proud to do it and vowed to bring as many humans to hel. Dramatic but okay. Anyways, one of his evil temptations is music. He uses it to distract people from religion and God and prayer. Some scholars say singing without music is okay. Others say that drums are also okay. I don't know the ruling for that. But basically music is a nope as its Satan's way of distracting us from good things
That doesn't make it sound better, does it? It's hard to explain beliefs I guess
And also what's privacy (it's okay you can come here I don't mind)
@unassumingEyes Surely it makes sense to those who believe in it to begin with. It is, however, evidence that I would never make a good Muslim. I just gotta have tunes!
I am no expert either so don't take this as the last word... As I understand it, the Christian take is that Satan was originally one of God's angels in heaven with the big Boss. His original name was "Lucifer" which is derived from the Latin word for light (I think). He was not satisfied with his rank or place, & tried to gain enough power to become equal &/or superior to God himself. As a punishment, God kicked Lucifer out of heaven...that's how he became Satan & ended up in the underworld.
All the above is the Christian take (or what I know of it), not something I believe personally.
@slowdecline48 huh. Thats quite different to the islamic take. I thought it would be similar. I was taught that satan was just too proud to bow before man because he was made of fire and man is made of dirt
Well. I wasnt a good muslim, either, but thats probably because of not believing. Once you believe, i guess this kind of stuff doesnt matter