Out of The Corner/In The World
Hi! Some of you might know of my other space here, In the corner. Or just, "the corner" in my head. This is the world! I.e this is me learning to "adult" (what?), get out of my comfort zone, accept my flaws, seek the positives in life, etc etc! My journey out of the comfort zone, basically. And it's going to be rocky, it's going to be real hard, and I'm going to end up in the corner venting about something more times than not, probably, but it's a step, I think.
Let's get out of the corner! (That was kinda cheesy!)
Thats not even what i came here to talk about but okay
Theres a good chance my family is lactose intolerant, but we're not going to do anything about xD
Well d**n, that ain't good news...
@slowdecline48 wellll...
We like milk too much to really care. And milk products. We've ignored away all the stomach issues hefore, we're just gonna keep doing it now xD
Mom apparently didnt take her pain meds because we werent in the room. Its kinda a long and stupid 'explanation' so im not gonna dive into it. Whats it matter anyways? Her pain is our fault, obviously. Shes glaring daggers at us. My sis made her take her medicine and gave her the heat pack- heat packs are amazing for pain, did you know?
Anyways.
Sis and i were smiling before all this. Now its tense anger in the room and its only lessened abit because dad just called while im typing, heard that mom was mad at us and told her not to be. And like magic, anger lessened.
Like
Ugh
Whatever
Tw
I dont know what the triggers are but im not in best headspace so just beware
Im insane
Or, well, no, not really. Think insanity might even be easier atp. Shove me into a hospital, get it over with.
Yikes thats dark. *goes back up to put a tw*
My brain has made a decision. A horrible one, to be honest. This decision is that every few hours i must be reminded that my maths sir is currently un-alive.
Stupid. And i still cant finish the sentence. Just a nice lil "My maths sir is-" to interrupt whatever im doing, whereever i am.
Anyways,
What else was i going to say?
I tried an ai thing that you can vent to. It said hi, whats your name? I said hello. It said 'how are you, hello?'
And i left xD
My sister will be 20 this year. Ill be 17. Sometimes i randomly say this and sis glares at me. Its all very weird.
17.
Mom told dad that i have no idea what im going to do in uni. Untrue. I have a couple of ideas for my future, one of which stands out the most. I just need to get over my guilt for not becoming a doctor. Stupid, useless guilt, but still there. But i havent told her my plans. Someday, when im confident, ill tell dad. She might be there but im telling dad, thankyouverymuch
Sometimes i think there is no future. Ofcourse, none of them are going to hear about that
(And if im hoping the uni will have a student counsellor- well, its not like ill talk to them about the big things? Just the little things i need advice about)
There will be a future...if you make one.
Also: who/what is a "math sir"?
Almost forgot -
You're gonna be 17, eh?...Once you move out of your parents' (mother's?) home, the world will be your oyster! Ahh, to be such an age...though life is more complicated these days. The Internet hadn't quite emerged when I was your age. "Social media" wasn't even a concept, let alone carrying phones everywhere with limitless information accessible by touching a screen. (Websearch "rotary phone" & "dial-up modem" to get an idea of the technology we had then)
@slowdecline48 17 in may. this is actually the first time i felt some semblance of pride while saying that, howd you do that? xD
Oh, i wont move out. western ways, i think? not here, no sirree. Here i live with my parents till after uni (25 yrs) atleast. Oh, it would be legal to move out at 18, but my parents, you know. wouldnt allow it. plus, culture here, arranged marriage after uni. Oh, Ill try to fight it- i cant be forced, legally, but you know how parents are. still, dad has a good heart. he might give in.
do you like it? social media? I dont know how i feel about it. but without it and the internet and all of this- i would be very...lonely.
and oh, i know what those are, cmon, we had a rotary phone at my house when i was really young. I dont think that one worked tho
@unassumingEyes i talk too much. you should be careful with me. look at that. I need to learn silence xD
Not necessarily. In the US & elsewhere in the West, lots of college students live with their families while getting their education. What sucks is a %age of them do even after they graduate because in the US living expenses can, & often do, make it impractical to move out right away. Here it's not tradition...just the economy. 😒
@slowdecline48 oh, i never looked at it like that. Where i live, men are encouraged to move out- despite expenses- and women are expected to wait till marriage. Again tho, i trust my dad will-eventually-listen to reason. I think theres also the thing in US where students pay for their own uni, or take loans? That i disapprove of. Here, parents are expected to pay by saving up, or there are cheap unis. from what i hear, thats for some reason not a thing in the US?
There are public universities here, but the difference between them & private universities is that public ones are subsidized by state governments. Even so, you still gotta pay tuition. There are scholarships for high-achieving students, even grants for particularly adept & needy ones. But most government "aid" is loans, sometimes at a fixed interest rate (as opposed to a floating one). Our educational systems here are rather f***ed up overall, TBH. Explaining why would take a higher text wall than you or any sensible person would want to read, least of all on a screen.
@slowdecline48 sorry, cups didnt show me this reply till just now
We have scholarships and funds for poor people etc as well, but i dont think we have loans. Government schools and colleges do take fees, but at a very low rate and very easily affordable. Same for government universities. Money is less of an issue, unless for transport. But the education itself is not particularly useful, and these easy access schools usually dont help students at all. All theyre good for is getting the degree, your completely on your own for the rest 😀
@slowdecline48 the what made me laugh, lol.
tw illness and de-th
Maths sir: taught me in 8th grade (2 years ago), somehow cultivated a love for maths in me that never existed before. Was adamant that i was good at maths (something my family vehemently disagreed on). I got full marks that year and the next, and even last year i nearly got full (lost marks because of nausea, couldnt focus on the geometry qs, you didnt ask that but anyways) I still love maths. He got cancer when i was in grade 10. he Left school, returned to school, I thought he was better. I moved countries, Made the decision to take both biology and maths in college (got judged by all family members for it.) Saw a school photo of maths sir. Horrible experience. I took one look at the photo and knew what was going to happen. family tried to convince me i was worried for nothing. 3 days later-
funeral arrangements.
I should be over it, i barely knew the man, right? Not really over it. not really believing it, actually.
anyways, sorry for dumping. shows i have no one to dump to. when i told mom and sis..they were just kinda quiet. it wasnt what i needed, i guess. or need. im going to stop. apologies.
@unassumingEyes No need to apologize...grief is grief & if your family won't listen to you, well that's why you're on Cups, right?
You didn't know your math teacher well but he was still a positive influence in your life. It sounds like he took a personal interest in your progress. If he helped you develop math skills & you learned to enjoy it, why wouldn't you appreciate him for it? Was he a nice man; did he communicate with you better than your parents do? If that's the case then no wonder you're feeling how you are now.
@slowdecline48 its like- mom wants me to do good not because i can but because i should. because shes smart and sis is smart so i kinda have to be? dad gives rare encouragement and otherwise doesnt inquire about school. and my sir- well he didnt have to care, did he? but he did, and somehow hit the right balance between firm and encouraging. He must have been a great dad, i think so. said, "I want you to get full marks in the final", and i felt no pressure, no fear like with mom. Looked over at my friend and went, "guess thats what i gotta do now"
and i did
god, i dont even know how. dad had covid that year, and half the class year was online classes. by all means, and with the struggle i remember, i should have just barely made it through the year.
i dont know, honestly, while im venting it all to you (or anyone). or even if itll change anything. he's dead, and i knew he was going to be before it happened, because i looked at his photo and his eyes went through me, saw what we cant. whats going to change that?
Nothing can change that, little one. Your math sir is gone. It sounds like he was a guy worth mourning.
Nothing can change it. That's one of the reasons why we have religions: the minute we learn what it means to be alive, we realize we're all going to stop breathing at some point no matter what. An old saying in the West is "man does not live by bread alone." As every year goes by, I see how true that statement was & is.
While can't change what happened to him, you can remember your math sir as the fine example of pedagogy, & perhaps an all-around great guy, that he was. Grief is how we adjust to losing someone we care about &/or love...just get through it as best you can.
One other thing: your math sir isn't completely gone, in a sense. He will live on in the memories of the students he educated...surely you're not the only one he helped along.
Just thought of something else:
your success as a university student--or anywhere else in life--should be because you want it. What your mother (or anyone in or outside your family) wants for you is either of secondary importance or no importance at all. Your life is yours to steer in whatever direction you wish. If you add to your family's honor or whatever, that's wonderful. But your goals, & your decisions & plans to achieve them, are your own affair. Just because your parents made you does not give them the right to direct your life.
Yes, this is coming from a Western perspective. If I'd been born & raised in a farming village in Yemen, I would doubtless have a different answer...but I wasn't.
@slowdecline48 Grief. Such a weird thing. Personally not a fan xD.
I dont think any other student of his is being so silly about this
And thanks, btw. For the encouragement. And youre right obviously, but you know. Societal/family pressure is very real, as obviously. Both mom and grandmother want me in medical. Oh, dont worry, i wont do anything so big for them. But it is discouraging, you understand. They are probably the worst people i know about being encouraging so thats expected enough
I dont really know what your career is?
Hmm. Curious...or are you just curious about me? 🤨 If you're a curious person in general, that's good. Gotta have curiosity to learn more than the bare minimum.
I was a freelance illustrator for many years. Wouldn't say I was a great success at it, but I had skills (& still do). I worked plenty of day-jobs when doing commissions didn't pay enough... I also worked with a real estate firm at one point; construction (electrical stuff)--until I learned the hard way that I wasn't cut out for construction work. The mid- to late 2000's were my best years, enough that I could save & invest. Which was a good move since in the mid-2010's my main chronic condition slowly emerged. In early 2017 was my diagnosis. Since then I haven't done a lot, professionally....yeah, it's kinda pathetic. I still make art, though. (Used to have an "art journal" here but I had it erased a while back)
I'll spare you the details, as most of 'em are probably boring.
@slowdecline48 sorry, I dont mean tk pry. I like to know about people, I guess, try to understand what they're like, they're view on the world. Never too many opinions, never too many experiences, in my belief
That's interesting. Not my thing, honestly, but interesting in its own way. And I don't think any of its pathetic,but tbh there are very few things I do consider pathetic. Still.
I wish I'd seen your art journal when it was still here
@slowdecline48 thats difficult, because even without that specific serving of guilt, i have my own healthy helping of it. If i do not make a worthwhile difference... the very thought is bothersome
But when i envision a life that would be worth living, in a world that wasnt reminding me of how broken it is in every turn and making me feel like i had to do something, it would be- prepare to be disappointed- teaching. I know first-hand the major roles our teachers play in our lives. And, thanks to cups, i know quite a lot of what teenagers struggle with...
Education is my passion, front and center. Im currently taking a free course online- without my mothers knowledge, i admit- of the UK's education acts and plans for disabled students. The state of education where i am atm, and at my country pakistan are...bad, simply put. And even if they werent, i think this is where i would gravitate to. Right now i consider opening a school or the like- but the happiest future i can think of is simply as a teacher
I make your shortest questions so long. I hope you dont read these when tired, itd be so dull
Why not? If it weren't for teachers, where would we be?
...We would all be eating bugs, roots, berries & whatever we could catch. We wouldn't cook our food too often because whoever figured out how would never tell anyone else about it. Frankly I doubt anyone would've invented bows & arrows, let alone anything else... The point is all behavior that isn't instinctive must be learned, which implies it must be taught by someone. Without that...yeah. We wouldn't know to wipe ourselves after doing #2. That is where we would all be.
Re your guilt - I can't make it go away with a few keystrokes, obviously. What I can do is give you something to think about. In Pirkei Avot ("Ethics of the Fathers"), one of the most frequently quoted sayings is (translated from Hebrew):
"You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it."
The above maxim has a few different levels of meaning, but don't worry about it (you got enough to study as it is). The phrase "the work" is often taken to mean improving the world & leaving it in a better state than before you arrived. Here's a Jewish folktale to put it in context:
A young man saw an old man planting a carob tree. (In the story it says the tree won’t bear fruit for 70 years. That isn't technically true but it does take > 20 years for carob trees to reach their max yield) Anyway, the young guy looked at the old codger planting the carob tree & asked him why he was doing that. The old guy's work seemed pointless. “Surely you will be dead before there is even the first harvest, so why plant it, old man?”
The old man answered that he was born into a world that had carob trees because his ancestors had planted for him, and he was planting for his descendants.
In your case, you should remember that in the above saying, the first part ("you are not obligated...") is as important as the last part ("but neither are you free to abandon it"). Even if you become the greatest teacher in Pakistan--or wherever you decide to live--you are not going to successfully educate every student who sits in your classroom, let alone fix his/her problems. You can't because you're only mortal like the rest of us. But if your inner drive says you must teach children, then that is your mission to improve the world.
Consider all this carefully.
@slowdecline48 You're right, ofcourse, but thats not how teachers are treated, is it? I dont know a single teacher who wanted to teach. Its usually just that it was their best option
I know of that quote/saying. Ive seen it around. I think it is just weirdly difficult for me to have a good time with the knowledge of so many that dont. Ofcourse i know i cant fix everything. But somehow it feels like duty to fix as much as is humanly possible for me to. Like always, if i have to chose between me or someone else- its someone else. And i know thats not very smart, but- here i am
Does anyone have any time management advice? At all? Im desperate. I have daily hw to do of 7 subjects at least, out of which i usually do one in college in break. I dont have any free periods to study, and im not allowed to wake up earlier or sleep later than 10.30. I have an exam coming on the 16th, and this week (from today till next tues) is full of tests. Thursday is the hardest subject (im barely passing it rn) test, and i keep missing other subjects homework trying to prepare it. My exam on 16th is so far only half prepared- and i need to get atleast 90% in it to raise my overall grade to B (its currently C! I used to get As!)
My breaks at home are never more than 15 minutes anymore. Dinner takes too long to eat. I study in the car to and from college. 10 mins in college break is the only moment of peace i have in a day when i go to the library
Im at my wits end and i admit it. I asked literal Ai for help, and it had nothing. Every tip it gave (eg. Study in the car) im already doing.
Help
@unassumingEyes Sorry Eyes. I've got nothing. I have kind of become a huge waster of time 😅 Maybe there's some suggestions in the student community here? I mean it sounds like you're doing everything you possibly can already
@mytwistedsoul thansk for trying (genuinely!) Good to see you around again, hope youve been fine
@unassumingEyes now i cant spell 🤓
@unassumingEyes What do you mean "allowed" to wake up or go to sleep whenever? If you can wake up 20 minutes earlier & get a jump on things without incurring a serious energy deficit, I don't see any reason why not. If your parents object, tell them the reason! Tell them all you have to do already & that the current schedule is not helping. I dunno if either of your folks are willing to assist in some way, but it might be worth a try.
@slowdecline48 my dads not here rn so i cant really ask him. My mom has refused this request several times. The only times im allowed to wake early is the weekend (sunday)
The exam is obv important but im also really close to failing the other subject 🫣
I gotta say, your mother sounds like someone lacking in empathy...
@slowdecline48 you and me, both. But if i dive into this, you will have too much boring drama to read xD
@unassumingEyes You can also prioritize. What is most important for now? The exam, it sounds like. Spend the most time studying for that, & less for other subjects--until you pass the exam. Once you do that, drop that class to 2nd rank in importance & bump up the next important one to first place, etc.
Tomorrow is the test. Of the subject. Im almost failing
Just, please, pass it 😀 ill raise the grade up (somehow) later but please dont let me lower it 🫠
Tired. Still a lot left. 😞😞 its 7.35. 3 more hours till i have to sleep. Its possible but not with so little energy 🫠
@unassumingEyes sending you some energy to power through and I've got my fingers crossed for tomorrow's test! 💙
@mytwistedsoul thank you, soul. Ive done as much as i could now. Feeling terrified, but theres nothing for it 🤷♀️🤞
@unassumingEyes Take a couple deep breaths. Clear your mind (not that much!) 😅 We're all nice and calm. You've done all you could to prepare for this 💙
Took @slowdecline48's suggestion and decided to be brave one more time. Negotiated sleep schedule with mom. Got permission to wake up an hour and a half early. First time in my life has she allowed this. Thanks for the nudge, slow. Also thank whatever/whover in the universe had my mom in a good mood for today, else none of this would be happening. Small miracles.
Seriously, this is a huge relief. Ive been waiting for 3 hours today to find the right time to make my request. I think this rare agreement is because of the subject im almost failing. Even she cant expect me to get the marks she wants without some freedom
@unassumingEyes Woo hoo! Go you! Congratulations Eyes! 😊
Glad my suggestion helped. Sometimes you can get someone to change his/her mind. The possibility exists. It may be a tiny one but it exists. Timing matters a lot...when you suggest something can make all the difference. Catch someone in the right frame of mind & you just might get what you're after.
Test went meh. As always for this subject. Just hope i passed, man.
Feeling less panicked now the test is done. The rest of the tests i can do. Hopefully the exam will be okay. Just gotta breathe through it...
Had an bad headache. Almost needed pain meds. I mean, kind of did need them but i try to avoid them. Headaches are too common for me to take meds everytime i get a bad one. Im always careful with that
Got my exam papers back. I already knew my marks but you know, got to see the mistakes. Theres ofcourse the hardest one, the almost failing one, urdu. 56%, i mentioned before. Few marks cut because of spelling. Few cuts because long question answers werent long enough. Two marks gone in objective.
Where did the rest go? I think its because my writing is too simple and plain. So like, no mistake for sir to point out, but still not at the level needed to pass the final boards.
*sigh*
On a more cheerful note, i got the highest possible marks in english. Once this exam on 16th is done, if it goes well, i might make it to 80% and or above. Currently im at 73 i think, because i actually missed this exam (i was away) and they put 0 marks for it. So now im giving it with the retest batch
Im blabbering, i know. I tend to talk even more than usual when i have a headache, and even usual is pretty much
@unassumingEyes Congratulations on the high mark in English! You were probably pretty stressed out and that's what brought the headache on? There's a lot of pressure on you to constantly do well. Which I mean I understand school is important it helps shape your future but holy moly there's got to be some time for fun and relaxation doesn't there?
@mytwistedsoul im much better, thank you 💙
@unassumingEyes
I hit the "Post" button by mistake. To this day, I struggle with the virtual keyboard on my phone...these virtual keyboards are sized for the hands of elfin girls, not for grown men's hands.
Congrats on passing that English test! I'm sure you'll do well in other subjects overall, though I can't say for Urdu. Still, even a 56% result is better than what most of us Westerners would get! We grow up learning Latinate languages; Urdu is...what? Semitic? I still don't understand how Arabs can tell one letter from another in their language because all the letters are connected to each other. I cannot tell where one ends & the next begins. From what I've seen of it, Urdu has the same problem... 😐
But seriously, you'll make it if you can keep your head on your shoulders. You're a smart girl, Eyes. You may not feel like it when muddling through difficult subjects but, really...you are. If you weren't running some wattage between your ears, I would not be posting this. Because, dumb ones are people I only deal with when I have to; smart people are usually worth talking to beyond minimum social obligations.
If memory serves, you have a sister. Any brothers?
Also, how much water do you drink per day on average? Many, many people don't get enough water...headache is often one of the first signs of dehydration.
@slowdecline48 you wont believe how much i hear that. But staying hydrated hasnt helped my headaches, nor any other number of tips that come in peoples minds. Ive had these headaches since i was 7. Migraines run in the family, but mom insists i dont have them. No doctors opinion on it, not that i know of anyways
@slowdecline48 Its not that hard. Urdu and arabic letters, i mean. Course books for beginners have really straight, pointy kinda letters to help you distinguish them. Once you get used to those, the common writing and text becomes easy
Thank you for the praise. My sister is insistent i am not average. I think- maybe- but i feel... mild above average. Little bit above. Do you get that? Shes way above xD the cause of my moms high expectations, i think.
I dont mind the idea of- not being smart. I see nothing wrong with average. I mean, noone wants to be dumb but i also dont really care to be seen as something....extra. is any of this making sense?
No brothers; just one elder sister, and no interactions with non-family boys since i was 10. Culture and religion both are a reason for it. But i have cousin brothers, which isnt the same but also was never really all that different to me. Like a brother that lives far a way
@unassumingEyes
1. I believe it, because I've heard it myself. It's true: dehydration has certain symptoms & head pain is one of them. But we might be in the same boat...or our boats may not have much water between them, at least. I get crippling headaches too. Until late last year I thought it was Meniére's disease because that was the original Dx. (Interview here). But a test of my ears disconfirmed it...I may have migraines too but I don't know for sure now. It's "neurological", whatever that means.
2. Sure, I get it. You probably feel that way about yourself from talking to other students & girls, & seeing their performance (or lack thereof) in school when you're there. Do you feel different from other people close to your age? I did & do...that started very early on.
@slowdecline48 im sorry about your headaches. Mine are usually just an inconvenience, rarely anything worse. I consider myself lucky.
Different? Not really, to be honest. I know academically some things are easier for me than for others. But no, i dont feel different. Maybe my sister does. But i never understand her
What happened in LA? English sir was telling us, but i dont really know. He said Hollywood is on fire 😶
@unassumingEyes This year it's L.A. (so far); last year it was a different part. California catches fire every year. (That's one of several reasons why so many of us left for good)
...if I had to guess, I'd say someone out there up in the Hollywood hills was smoking a joint (or a bowl), got high enough that (s)he forgot it was still lit, & dropped it into the underbrush. Or perhaps someone started it on purpose. To this day, every so often someone will burn his own house down so he can report it to his insurance company & then cash in his policy.
@slowdecline48 There's footage and someone was arrested that was intentionally setting them but I'm not sure if that's how this actually started at the beginning
Oh? I stand possibly corrected, then...either way, it's no surprise. As I said, this s*** happens every year. 😒
@slowdecline48 im a little surprised 😀
