Eva’s Crazy Mind
i’ve wanted to make a forum post like that for quite a while now, but never brought myself to actually make it. here i will write up all sorts of thoughts and vents, everything i need to get off my mind. it’s not gonna be positive or motivational, not even close. i personally don’t recommend reading it just because it doesn’t help lol. you’re welcome to read, replies are okay, just be aware that it’s gonna be a pretty dark place. i don’t usually ask for help despite telling everybody to. idk why. i’m not a very good example of what’s right to do. TW just in case, not planning to go that far but who knows.
i’m making myself this space because sometimes you can feel lonely while being surrounded by a million people and that’s nobody’s fault.
best wishes to you. ❤️
(i read your messages @mytwistedsoul and @unassumingEyes and they mean a lot to me i took them to heart and i reread them constantly and i'm sorry i just i have so much to do i'm running out of time and i don't have words i'm sorry thank you i love you)
why is even this so hard? why can't just this one thing go as i want it to go? today is friday. tomorrow, i'd either go to my aunt's and her 3yo daughter's to give her the gift, or my grandparents' to celebrate some birthdays. but that means i can't do it. and i have to because school starts on monday and i'm not going. so today has to be it. it's just so *** frustrating because i'm asking for one thing in my life to go as planned and it just- doesn't-. *sigh* i'm gonna figure it out. i'm gonna figure something out. i have to.
@justmeeva love you ♥️ hoping to be able to talk to you 30 years later as well 🫢 I'd be so old...46- anyways I love you you're amazing 💞💞
@justmeeva Maybe the fact that things aren't going as planned is a sign that the plan sucks. Maybe it's a sign from what ever higher power that the plan is a bad idea. Call it fate or devine intervention - a guardian angel. You're meant to stay and grow old with the rest of us...please
working on the letter.
@justmeeva Hey Eva. I just started reading ur entries and i haven't been through them all yet. I also read the entries of other people here online asking u to rethink ur decision..
I haven't gone through all of ur entries yet but from wt I've read u seem to be a lovely soul, way more lovely than wt a cruel world deserves. You are kind compassionate and important. You matter, to all these people out here clinging to the hope that u change ur decision because honey they care. I care. Right now you may feel like none of us can truly understand what ur going through and you know what maybe you re right. the hardships you are going through that u do or do not mention are huge. Help us understand. Keep writing, keep posting, I'm sure you ll have people all around the world waiting to hear ur words. To see themselves in your stories. To feel like they are not alone. YOU are not Alone.
Life and people around us can be cruel. Your light is the reason someone smiles each day. Stay Eva, stay with all of us. Theres so much of the world you ve yet to see, so much kindness out there that sadly hasn't found its way to you yet, tender gentle hands to hold u through the hard nights, so many awesome songs to listen to so many lovely books to read. The life full of love and joy that is just waiting for you a life you deserve, you can make it through this.
Stay, Eva. The world needs you. And we, all are here for you.
With love, warmth and tight hugs,
Someone who cares for u
@justmeeva
*sits 🥺 with Eva, Soul 🐭, Eyes 👀, flow*
*shares snacks 🍟🍿🍔\('-' \)*
xxx is the only person i'd let save me and change my mind. but he's dead.
@justmeeva
I ve been through loosing people i deeply care about and it can be hard, my condolences. Honey, he may not be here physically, but all the people in this sub are trying to carry out his wish. Its his signal to you, he s trying to reach this message to u through all of us through our words. Even if he sadly couldn't stay, he wants you to. He wants you to stay reach and create a life where you get the love happiness and care u deserve
@flowlikewater07 @justmeeva eva, flow has a point. Please, please, listen. Listen eva. The whole world is saying it. Every single plan gone wrong is saying it. Stay. Heal. Come on. We're all waiting for you ❤️
1. to smile
2. to conquer your fears
3. to see your family again
4. to see your favorite artist live
5. to listen to music again
6. to experience a new culture
7. to make new friends
8. to inspire
9. to have your own children
10. to adopt your own pet
11. to make yourself proud
12. to meet your idols
13. to laugh until you cry
14. to feel tears of happiness
15. to eat your favorite food
16. to see your siblings grow
17. to pass school
18. to get tattoo
19. to smile until your cheeks hurt
20. to meet your internet friends
21. to find someone who loves you as you deserve
22. to eat ice cream on a hot day
23. to drink hot chocolate on a cold day
24. to see untouched snow in the morning
25. to see a sunset that sets the sky on fire
26. to see stars light up the sky
27. to read a book that changes your life
28. to see the flowers in the spring
29. to see the leaves change from green to brown
30. to travel abroad
31. to learn a new language
32. to learn to draw
33. to tell others your story in the hopes of helping them
34. Puppy kisses.
35. Baby kisses (the open-mouthed kind when they smack their lips on your cheek).
36. Swear words and the release you feel when you say them.
37. Trampolines.
38. Ice cream.
39. Stargazing.
40. Cloud watching.
41. Taking a shower and then sleeping in clean sheets.
42. Receiving thoughtful gifts.
43. “I saw this and thought of you."
44. The feeling you get when someone you love says, “I love you."
45. The relief you feel after crying.
46. Sunshine.
47. The feeling you get when someone is listening to you/giving you their full attention.
48. Your future wedding.
49. Your favorite candy bar.
50. New clothes.
51. Witty puns.
52. Really good bread.
53. Holding your child in your arms for the first time.
54. Completing a milestone (aka going to college, graduating from college, getting married, getting your dream job.)
55. The kind of dreams where you wake up and can’t stop smiling.
56. The smell before and after it rains.
57. The sound of rain against a rooftop.
58. The feeling you get when you’re dancing.
59. The person (or people) that means the most to you. Stay alive for them.
60. Trying out new recipes.
61. The feeling you get when your favorite song comes on the radio.
62. The rush you get when you step onto a stage.
63. You have to share your voice and talents and knowledge with the world because they are so valuable.
64.Breakfast in bed.
65. Getting a middle seat in the movie theatre.
66. Breakfast for dinner (because it’s so much better at night than in the morning).
67. feeling of being loved
68. Forgiveness.
69. Water balloon fights.
70. New books by your favorite authors.
71. Fireflies.
72. Birthdays.
73. Realising that someone loves you.
74. Spending the day with someone you love.
75. Spending the whole day in bed.
76. Eating a whole pint of your favorite ice cream.
77. Floating in water on your back and just staring up at the sky.
78. First dates (even the bad ones make for funny stories.)
79. Bonfires and s' mores.
80. Relationships where you love someone but aren’t in love with them.
81. Coming home to someone you love.
82. The colour of autumn leaves when they change.
Summer.
83. Singing songs at the top of your lungs with your friends.
84. Cuddling.
85. Being wrapped up in a warm bed.
86. Someone’s skin against yours.
87. Holding hands.
88. The kind of hugs when you can feel a weight being lifted off your shoulders. The kind of hug where your breath syncs with the other person’s, and you feel like the only two people in the world.
89. Singing off key with your best friends.
90. Road trips.
91. Spontaneous adventures.
92. The feeling of sand beneath your toes.
93. The feeling when the first ocean wave rolls up and envelops your toes and ankles and knees.
94. Thunderstorms.
95. Your first (or hundredth) trip to Disneyland.
96. The taste of your favourite food.
97. The child-like feeling you get on Christmas morning.
98. The day when everything finally goes your way.
99. Compliments and praise.
100. to look on this moment in 10 years' time and say, "I did it"
@justmeeva
Hey eva <3 excuse me for intruding 😀 i just wanted to ask if youve seen the movie Coco, and so heard the song lyrics:
Remember me
Though I have to travel far
Remember me
Each time you hear a sad guitar
Know that I'm with you the only way that I can be
Until youre in my arms again...
Remember me
Idk why i thought to share this with you but here- love you, take care 💖
(I wont invade here again, except maybe replies, dw)
tonight’s my last chance.
@justmeeva
Eva 🥺 me, Eyes 👀, Soul 🐭, Flow will sit with you if okie
@VictoriaLove7 yes i willl evaa we re waiting
@justmeeva
*sits and hopes and hopes* 🥺❤️
big tw, not about me for once.
.. now that’s *** up. my cousin, 4 or 5 years old. his dad, my uncle, is a whole character. not in a very good way. he’s had like idk 6 children with at least 3 women. i mean it doesn’t sound that bad i guess, but.. it affects the children, yk. that constant change. my cousin isn’t raised very well. and it shows. a lot. he was really cute and nice and just my favourite relative ever after first, but now, he’s become rude, demanding, complaining when something doesn’t go his way, just.. changed for worse. i’m sorry for him. ‘all children deserve parents but not all parents deserve children’ :/. it’s just sad. it’s sad how he’s kind of destined to grow up to be rude and violent-ish and stuff just because of his parents. it’s sad. and unfair.
anyways that was just some background information. his dad is a builder (simply said) and he’s been coming to our house to work on a room and today he was here too and he had brought my cousin. after they had left, my brother came to me.
tw.
he told me that my cousin, my 4-5year old cousin, had asked him to see videos of people kicking and hurting cats. ……… i-……. i don’t know what to say. there’s just no way he will grow up to be anything good. just because of the way he’s raised. i don’t want to know what he’s seen or done or what he’s seen other people do.
…..i have no words.
this world is just *** up and so am i. i don’t wanna be here anymore.
@justmeeva
🥺 Eva
when people are in pain physically, like because of an illness, and they want the pain to stop and go already, it’s okay. it’s sad but it’s valid. when people are in pain mentally, which sometimes, or often, actually, involves pain physically one way or another, you’re suddenly a monster, sick in the head, insane, stupid, the one to be blamed for it. go seek help, get better, everything will be fine. you just wait, it’ll get better. who says that? sure there have been people who have overcome depression but there are also so many people who haven’t. not everyone is hopeless but not everyone experiences depression the same way and not everyone has the same reasons for it. why is mental pain less valid than physical pain? why is mental illness less valid than some other medical illness? they tell you there are other ways, to just wait and see, time will heal, you will heal, everything will be okay. sure, i have time, but it’s not for healing. my time is spent for school or socialising that’s forced on me or doing something with family that if i’m honest i don’t really want to do, or going through things in my mind and trying to sort out my thoughts or emotions and whether i even have any left, or just simply trying to cope with my own existence. i don’t even know what healing means. i don’t even know what i have to heal from. i don’t even think i’ve finished going through the things i’m supposed to be healing from.
*sigh*.
i don’t even know how to end this.. thought. maybe some things just can’t be cured. maybe some people just can’t be fixed. maybe i’m one of those people. everybody just can’t be saved.
@justmeeva
Because there is nothing wrong with Eva 🥺 Eva is having painful memories & suffering but it does not mean that there is anything wrong, Eva simply needs to be understood, & me, Soul 🐭, Eyes 👀, Flow will stay with Eva 🥺
@VictoriaLove7 Hey cud u guide me on how to make the text white since i think thats how eva would prefer it but cant quite figure out how to?
thanks :)
n may i know ur pronouns if ur comfortable with that question
@justmeeva
Eva all forms of pain are valid, and you are right people tend to be more ignorant and playing it down when they cant see it as a physical manifestation with their eyes.
As for not having figured out everything you need to heal from and how to do it while balancing your school your family yes that sounds like a lotta work hun. Imagine it like a yarn that is completely tangled. If all the threads are pulled out at once then it doesn't untangle it, but if you slowly go one thread by another, fixing one knot after another, you will be able to detangle it a bit more day by day. Thats how healing sometimes can look like, thats what figuring out wt to heal from and how to heal looks like. I know your life is much more complicated than some grandmother's yarn and that can be overwhelming. I guess whenever a trigger pops up or smtg happens deal with one thing one by one.
Journalling may help with unpacking it. here's a few prompts u cud try answering for each event or issue-
1. What actually happened? If a third person with no context was narrating this
2. How did i interpret it as given the fact that i have a life worth of experiences and context
3. How did it make me feel?
4. What would i say to a friend who answered the previous three questions the way i did?
5. Whats just one single thing thats good or even okayish in my life rn? Cud be an online friend, or your lungs working or a good weather if thats where u wanna start at
And yes, life is meant to be lived not survived i remember u saying smtg similar in a post. But hun healing is living. You are not damaged goods, you are a work in progress. No state of self is permanent, we all have to work on, horrible things to cry at for days and at some point eat good chocolate ice cream laugh and stop crying over. Living is laughing with people, living is listening to beautiful music, living is reading a great book, but living is also crying cuz u feel pain so deeply, living is also feeling like you cant go on another day and yet living one more just one more day.
All of us here are proud of u, and are rooting for u and praying for u to whoever we believe in.
Also song recommendation- Damage by Caleb Hearn
And Eva if ur seeing this can u tell me a song u like or an artist u like?
With warmth and love,
A well wisher
@justmeeva No it's not ok. They want the pain to stop yes but that's often all they want. They try to get help. Give them a pill to make it stop or surgery. This ultimate end is usually after any and all other option have been exhausted. You have other options Eva.
@justmeeva hi eva ❤️ i agree with what the others have all said, but i wanted to emphasize a few things. That pain is incomparable, that inevitably when you try to compare pain you are invalidating a certain form of it, that you have every right and reason to think and feel like that, and that at the most basic basic level, pain- any type, any form- is a warning that something is wrong. Not with you. With the situation. Not at all with you.
As always, i dont have a solution. Flow has some tips, maybe try anything you havent yet? But, as always, and till the end of the end of time- I'm here, and Ill wait till you feel safe enough to really be here, too. Even if you think Ill be waiting forever. Im still here. Your practically stuck with me now 🤪
I have nothing to hide here, but light coloured text, incase thats easier for you ❤️
