Eva’s Crazy Mind

right now is one of the many times i wish i could. 

heavy rain and thunder <3 

i could run away.

i could.

i could. 

i could.

but i won’t.

i won’t. 

i won’t.

i won’t-

@justmeeva

_{🩷do you think you want to- are you safe🩷? I know you’re not happy where you are right now. I know it’s hard. and running away just seems to be that temporary escape from all the overwhelming pressure challenges and hurt🩷it makes so much sense to just want an escape and run away from it all. I’m not sure when i said this before- It was to an irl friend- idk if you’ll relate to it too.💜but sometimes it feels like trying to juggle a million things at once and you just want to drop everything and run. you’re too tired for it all anymore🤍? I’m trying to understand but tell me if it’s different or I’m wrong about something <3 maybe if I could understand more you could talk about it and do you think that’d make you feel less alone💜but lovely I feel like you have it so hard :') youre rarely happy and when you are you have to get rid of it and I know that’s complicated. no one can always be happy. but I wish I could make that rare happiness last longer for you :')🩷without looking back at it and getting sad💜im not sure but I just wish I could help. >:💕}

_{(if you don’t feel like replying now that makes sense💕it’s okay💕I won’t think anything of it but hoping you’re okay. I love you🩷hugs for when you feel like it <3)}

@iloveyouxx 

it’s always nice to see you /gen 🩷 mhm i’m safe. i guess you could say that i have a sort of plan but i don’t plan to use it- if that makes sense? like i’ve thought about it, but i know i probably won’t do anything. 

you understand and describe it well. and you’re so kind- thank you so much. for everything you said. for being here. for being in my life honestly. love you nadia friend 🩷 *warmest hugs for you because you deserve them /gen*

@justmeeva

awe🩷no it makes sense :p I’ve been there so many times and I think it makes sense 🩷

idk what to say honestly except for :p of course I’m gonna do all those things :’) you’re my friend :’)💜and the best friend💕and just such a valuable person with so much to offer💖I know I’m lucky💗I love you too🩷<3   

maybe in a different life. 

i used to be such a dreamer. such a dreamer. now the only thing i dream about is death. 

thanks, brain. that was cool to imagine. 

i looked at my grades for this semester. they’re being put out one by one. know what my reaction was? i started laughing. (we have the number system) a couple of 5’s, and then a 2 in history. i’ve always been a 4-5’s student. i started laughing so much about the 2. i’m insane lol. i could maybe fix it if i finished some overdue assignments? maybe it’s not late yet? but uh yeah can’t say it’s a surprise. 

fixed the 2 to a 4. phew lol. 

mom: “does (name of younger sister) know?” 

ok look i hate her more than any***one in this world but i wouldn’t traumatise her like that.

had another “talk” with mom. 

i’m so *** tired man. 

it was so *** draining. 

shortly:

she got mad that i didn’t want to go to the beach with them. she said “we’re not going without you” but then my sister and brother got mad bc they wanted to go (i never said they can’t because of me) and eventually she took away my laptop and phone, she would’ve taken them to the *** beach with her, she came back to my room and i managed to speak up and then it started raining and she told my siblings “glad we didn’t go, we would’ve been soaked by the rain” (l m f a o.) and then we “talked”, eventually she left and i cried until i fell asleep bc *** was exhausting and now she’s playing kind again. 

so yeah i wanna d!e. (:

but what’s new about that. 

i’m so sick of myself. 

of being me. 

of everything about me. 

*sigh*

i’m just genuinely so tired. i don’t wanna be here in school, i don’t wanna be around any people, i don’t wanna have to talk to anyone. 

but i have no choice, obviously. 

ever think about how your life would be completely different if the people in your class were different ones- like- completely different-

i have.. about 3 tests tomorrow. physics where i can use a “cheat sheet” (maybe), but two big ones that are about the whole year’s topics :’) one of them is math :’) :’) *thinking whether to study and fail or not study and fail miserably*

@justmeeva Maybe study alittle bit? Sometimes I think trying to cram too much in your brain all at one time makes it worse to try and remember 

Hope it's ok to say good luck! 

took only 2,5 hours. 

but it’s.. real though. 

the pain and exhaustion is obvious when you look at her eyes. my eyes. 

oh come *** on-

today, out of all days. today, when i have 3 tests. today- i woke up with *** red eyes. like i had been crying all night. though for once that’s not the case. what the *** man..-

life’s got a serious beef with me wt*

why.

literally. why. 

*sigh* once again. 

i just wish i didn’t exist. generally and genuinely. 

now that little interaction haunts me. 

i just.. want to slowly fade away. slowly disappear.

just sad.