Eva’s Crazy Mind

tw.

i feel like a relapse is gonna happen someday soon. 

it’s like a gut feeling. 

tw.

now that i think about it, there’s so much death in my life lately. not like- in my life, but.. thoughts, dreams, songs, videos, rumours, etc.. hmm. 

a sign?

my chest starts hurting if i laugh too much/hard.

ever feel guilty talking about smiling or laughing or having a good time just because you’re “supposed to be doing bad”? even if it’s so rarely? i do. 

@justmeeva At times yes. I think it's because depression and d*ath (ideation/tendencies) are often portrayed with laying on the couch crying unconsolably in the same clothes you wore for a week. But there are still moments of joy and silliness. Like a Sunbeam breaking through the clouds for the briefest of moments. A reprieve. It's okay to enjoy those little moments. 

@mytwistedsoul 

i couldn't agree more, with everything you wrote <3

why can't i have a talent, something to be proud of, a single skill, a n y t h i n g?

@justmeeva Perhaps you just haven't found what speaks to you just yet. Sometimes it can take time to find it.

i don’t really ask for anything but i still feel like i’m asking for too much. ???

“people with good hearts never win.”

ima go and do some eva *** but if you need me tag me and i’ll come

“pov: home is an escape from school but school is an escape from home.”

@justmeeva

it's like there's no actual escape from the ***. :') 

“trying to be cold when you have the sweetest soul is the hardest thing ever.”

*adds yet another thing to the ‘things that trigger memories or flashbacks’ list* ✔️ <3

well, someone’s got to be the last option. it just so happens to always be me.

we had to write a 200 word essay. we had 1 hour. my mind was blank. i had a few sentences, i had the title (which we were given.). the entire time, this entire 60 minutes, all i had were those few sentences in my notebook. what’s funny, is that the teacher walked by me so many times. i saw her looking over to me. but she didn’t say anything. she just walked by. she didn’t come to me. she didn’t care. she went to others tho. i- don’t know what to think. 

“i saw them standing right there

kinda thought they might care”

but like, literally.

my mood today has been this soulless empty just existing body.

they don’t notice, and i almost feel wrong for expecting them to, but then i remember - i would have noticed.

children playing. funny thing is, every time i see a child laugh and play, in my mind, i say “enjoy it while you can”.

note to self: don’t forget, you’re not pretty. look anywhere and you’ll remember. 

@justmeeva  *offers safe hugs* I bet you are pretty 💙 We just don't see ourselves the way other people do. We focus too hard on our flaws and what we see as imperfections to see ourselves in a good way

@mytwistedsoul

Exactly 😔 Even when people compliment us and say nice things about us it’s still so hard :( Idk why but it reminds me of this picture I found once 

@LoveMyMoonflowers  This is so relatable 💙 Because that's exactly what it's like

dumb heart limit *grumbles* the weirdest thing they ever put in place here 😒

@mytwistedsoul

Lol true. It feels so random too 

@LoveMyMoonflowers It does feel random and they should give a warning or something or some way of keeping track of how many we used 😕

@mytwistedsoul

I think they give warnings in the app but the app is a whole other story lol 

@LoveMyMoonflowers I tried the app once for five minutes and uninstalled it because I had no idea what to do with it 😅 it was so frustrating

@mytwistedsoul

Yep. it’s very glitchy. One of my friends here uses the app a lot lol but he just likes the dark mode. 

I can get dark mode on the site :P except the emojis are all weird lol. at least it’s dark mode. 🥲 

i- like 2 minutes after putting my phone down, i just- fell asleep. it wasn’t even 11pm yet- i was so weak and exhausted that i just- idk what’s going on with me. 

dear world, dear society, dear people, whatever. please stop ignoring the fact that things aren’t okay. just because you ignore problems, doesn’t mean they don’t exist. sure, it’s good to focus on the good in the world, but you have to acknowledge that there’s- so, so much bad in the world. that people are suffering. that teens are suffering. that kids are suffering. don’t *** look over it. you have to know. 

or maybe you don’t. maybe that’s why the ones who know are depressed. maybe it’s bad to know too much. but when’s too much? maybe we traded happiness for relatability and understanding. maybe the only way to understand the suffer, is to become one of the sufferers. there’s no coming back. or is there? 

so, pick your side. depression or happiness? sad sight or happy blindness? tough, isn’t it. 

i don’t wanna go. i don’t wanna get out of the bed. i don’t wanna leave the house. but we’re going to my grandparents’. and my relatives will be there too. people. i’m too exhausted for that *** man. 

but my mom won’t take “no” for an answer. i have no choice. <3.

my mom: “the way you have your hair just screams “low self esteem”!”

take a hint. <3

“on average, people use about 15-20% of what they learn in school in their adult lives.” 

15-20%. i- i wanna laugh at this. it’s absurd. why do i have to know about molecules if i don’t know what to look for when buying a house?. i- *** school- xD

i swear those life hack videos are more helpful than school. 

my grandma, talking to me and my mom: “someone more perfect than eva doesn’t exist” 

… :’)

she’d be disappointed. 

i gotta make sure that when i leave, they’ll think it was an accident or something, not me myself.