Eva’s Crazy Mind

mmm can’t wait to have the chance to be alone in my room in the darkness, just me and my brain. 

well, here we are now. all alone. 

kind of hoping that sleep will take me away before i manage to do something stupid

can’t wait for the day i-

i’ll shut up now. 

@justmeeva *sits quietly* you're having a rough night 😞  do you have distractions? 

@mytwistedsoul 

i didn’t really, it was just me and my brain, but luckily sleep did take me away before anything happened so it’s fine. thank you for caring though ❤️

@justmeeva ok 🙂 I'm glad you were able to get to sleep before anything happened 💙

my life: that was cool - never again. 

i’m absolutely exhausted, both mentally and physically, and i have at least a couple of hours of work ahead of me. it’s past 10pm. but what needs to be done, needs to be done. 

no motivation whatsoever. 

really close to just giving up and going to sleep, but it’s not an option. not today. 

but it’s too late to back out now. oh well. 

every minute feels like an hour. 

it’s scenarios timee

“you’re making it look so easy”

”what?”

”leaving me.”

@justmeeva it’s really, really, not easy. 

@unassumingEyes 

you’re one of the only ones then. but i thank you for that. 🩷 though.. is it even a good thing..? i mean obviously i don’t want you to leave, but am i keeping you from taking a break too..? is it really a good thing?

@justmeeva

see my post in the corner

a break is the worst thing for present me rn. 

If i take a break, it wont really be for me will it? Itll be so mom doesnt get mad, mad, mad. 

(Either way it hurts, so id rather hurt with you then without)

(I won’t say you could never hurt me, because you can, and i can hurt you. We all have that potential to hurt, either on purpose or by accident. 

But I can say I trust you wouldn’t hurt me on purpose. And isnt that more than we can say for so many others?)

@unassumingEyes 

okay.. it is important that you make those decisions for you, and you only. not for anyone irl, not for anyone on cups. for you. you’re always, always welcome here, i really believe that struggles are more bearable when you have someone by you. 

i would never ever in my life hurt anyone on purpose. let alone such a good friend. why would i? what would it get me? there’s enough hurt in the world, adding more of it is just.. stupid. 

@unassumingEyes 

i’ll be waiting ❤️

@unassumingEyes

ok cups is really glitching i sent it to your corner why’d it teleport here. 

my life’s pointless. but like.. literally. 

@justmeeva and that’s why i trust you ❤️ 

Decisions are hard. If my family knew how many plans ive made in my life, maybe theyd stop saying that i do nothing and let everything go to waste xD. 

more and more, as time goes by, i’ve began to wish i had no emotions at all. by ‘being away’, i often am emotionless, but boy the times i do have emotions..

every emotion equals pain sooner or later anyway. why have them? i’d be much better off without them. 

honestly, i’m kind of trying to avoid meeting new people at all costs. in real life, 100% - i’m staying away from people as absolutely much as i can, and on cups - well.. i try to stick to rather few of them, and don’t rush to find new ones.. at all. the thing is, they’ve all got someone else. they will get tired of me eventually, i’ll sloowly fade away, until i’m all alone, and then it doesn’t matter what i do or what happens to me. nothing will for now, i couldn’t do this to the people i have, i couldn’t hurt them like that, i care way too much about them, but once i’m alone.. it doesn’t really matter.. i can do whatever i want, whatever i need. 

tw? 

i wonder.. if i were.. gone. what would my parents think? would they be mad? would they be sad? what would they do? what would they say about me? how would they describe me? who do they even know me as? they don’t know much about me. they might know some of what i used to be, they know the me i pretend to be, but there’s so much they don’t know. what am i like in their heads? i know they care, my dad does for sure, and my mom.. i think she does too, she just forgets she does sometimes. or she just doesn’t always show it. or there’s something else i just don’t really understand. 

what would my classmates think? or the people i used to be friends with? would they care? would they have any thoughts about it at all? how long would it take for them to forget about it, to forget about me? assuming they cared, i think my classmates would be confused. sure, i was quiet, but i smiled and laughed relatively much, i seemed to be doing great in school, i didn’t seem to have anything wrong with me. they never saw me break in school, not a single tear, but just because they didn’t see it, doesn’t mean it never happened. but let’s be honest, i never belonged there. i was never one of them. they probably wouldn’t even notice i was missing. as for the people i used to call friends, or best friends even? i don’t know. i don’t know what they would think. they all seem to be doing just fine. they all have someone. i don’t. i’m lonely. again. they all left my life, one by one, and here i am now. all alone. it’s funny how strangers from the other side of the world know me better than the people i spend time with every day. it’s funny how strangers from the other side of the world care about me more than my own family. funny. 

i’m scared to leave, that’s why i won’t just yet. i want to, but i won’t. i can’t. i won’t. but one day, i will. one day i will. 

“i don’t hate life, i just hate mine.”

i used to crave for that ‘teenage dream’ more than anything. now.. i’m praying i’ll never get it. 

how can one have so many thoughts, and at the same time, none at all?

thinking about the way i once said to someone that i had been struggling lately, and that was why i had been more distant. i said i’m sorry. “it’s fine” they said. “it’s fine”? well i’m glad. 

okay, time to be productive..

*nervous laugh*

(i’ve never succeeded at those.. ever.)

lol i have so much homework which includes studying for a math test tomorrow, plus the *** overdue stuff that i’ve been trying to work on for like multiple weeks but guess what? haven’t done ***. 

i get so stressed so quickly :D

reading this text from a workbook. absolutely no idea what i just read. i don’t remember anything. it’s like it doesn’t even register in my brain. i just read those lines, but they go straight out of my head. it’s impossible. how am i supposed to get anything done like this? what a great, motivational start to this study session. 

man i can’t. this one time i start doing my homework at a completely normal time, compared to the usual at least, i can’t do anything. and i can’t seem to be able to do anything about it either. how could i do this when i just can’t? *** great. 

i can’t even understand the assignment, the exercise- those are just words, they’re not forming a sentence to my brain- what the actual ***?

kinda tempted to just write to my teacher that i can’t do ***. but also.. it’s 7pm. idk. probably won’t. but what if i did? hmm. 

stupid. stupid. stupid.