Eva’s Crazy Mind
i’ve wanted to make a forum post like that for quite a while now, but never brought myself to actually make it. here i will write up all sorts of thoughts and vents, everything i need to get off my mind. it’s not gonna be positive or motivational, not even close. i personally don’t recommend reading it just because it doesn’t help lol. you’re welcome to read, replies are okay, just be aware that it’s gonna be a pretty dark place. i don’t usually ask for help despite telling everybody to. idk why. i’m not a very good example of what’s right to do. TW just in case, not planning to go that far but who knows.
i’m making myself this space because sometimes you can feel lonely while being surrounded by a million people and that’s nobody’s fault.
best wishes to you. ❤️
i just woke up to 13 notifications, and me being me, it made me so happy 😭❤️
i watched a movie. i don’t know why, but i feel almost at peace now. it’s almost comforting to be alone. it’s almost easy to accept that maybe i’ll be alone forever. i feel so lost, and at the same time, i feel like i’m exactly where i’m supposed to be. almost. it’s almost like i don’t mind the darkness anymore. it’s almost like i don’t want to fight my dark mind anymore. it’s almost like i don’t want to resist the voices in my head anymore. it’s almost like i’m inspired and also letting go of my dreams at the same time. it’s almost like i have a purpose, and also not at all at the same time. it’s almost like i don’t care anymore. it’s almost like i wouldn’t mind if anything happened to me right now. not in the “i hate myself and would deserve it” kind of way, it’s more like i’ve reached my reason and goal for life. although nothing changed. i haven’t done anything. it feels like if i were to go to sleep right now, i wouldn’t wake up. and almost like i wouldn’t mind it. it’s strange. it’s almost like peace. but it doesn’t matter, this feeling is gonna fade soon. the peace will be gone, and all that’s left is darkness. i’ll be hopeless. i’ll be lost. it’s almost like i know it.
funny thing is, i could just go to sleep. it would literally be good for me. i have the chance to escape and skip it all. but i don’t. so, who am i to complain. it’s my fault anyway.
i found a friends’ diary from many years ago. it’s one of those diaries where your friend puts some information and facts in there. i had 4 friends back then. i have none of them anymore. that reminded me everything about them, everything about us. all the memories came flowing in. and then i realised. memories is all they are. i’ll never get those moment back. never live them again.
there’s something that caught my eye while reading through them all. it said “our most memorable adventure:”. 3 of my friends had said “coming soon”. that absolutely broke my heart. one of them was right, we went on a trip to another country together. that was her dream with me. the other 2 tho… never happened. i miss them. i miss us.
me and happy? no. that’s not a happy smile. that’s the smile of hurt. that’s the smile of sadness. that’s a smile of crying inside. that’s the smile of trying my hardest not to give up. that’s the smile of discovering something that broke me just a little more. not even smiles can be trusted.
