Eva’s Crazy Mind

@justmeeva

awwe it doesn’t seem like your taking it out on anyone lovely. 💙 your free to talk and vent, if comfy 💜 this is your safe space after all and your allowed to talk about things. 🥺 you don’t have to deal with anything alone 💙 here for you. 

(No pressure though 💜)

@LoveMyMoonflowers

okay… it’s kinda pretty long tho, sorry about that. it might not seem as bad as it actually seems to me in my head, i’m not good at explaining it really, but she’s been messing me up for years. she’s like 11 so she can’t be much harm right? apparently somehow wrong. she’s a *** of a liar, i always get in trouble for her, she has no empathy, she’s spoiled or at least acts like it, she’s so annoying but in a like irritating level yk ‘annoying’ would be holding back. it’s so bad that i actually genuinely don’t care one bit about her which is a big thing since i’m yk *me*. i’ve tried distancing myself from her (as much as i can i mean we share a room so it’s not so easy) by like ignoring her and just not interacting with her at all, that kind of worked but also not, then most of the time i’ve tried getting along with her, it’s okay until it lasts but she always, always finds a way to surprise in an insane way, like how stupid and terrible can a person be? i don’t think there’s any point in trying to get along with her anymore, it just doesn’t work out in the end.

today, the reason i’m mad, was that my little brother has been hiding her phone twice, just for fun, she has found it and it’s not a big deal. siblings stuff yk. but, she blamed me for hiding that phone which like i wasn’t mad about because idc, but today, she hid her phone *herself* (she used it before and my brother wasn’t home and i didn’t do it so it was *her*), she pretended to be looking for it and constantly asked me where it was and got mad at me, and then went to the hiding place and got mad at me saying i did it. it sounds absurd that i get mad at a thing like that, but just the fact that she’s such a liar and- it just throws me off so much. idk what to do with her. it’s stupid, i know, but for some weird reason i’m sick of her. 

it sounds so dumb why the *** is it affecting me like that. 

@justmeeva

big hugs for you if okay 💙 i’m so sorry lovely 😞 that must be so frustrating and it’s completely understandable your mad about it. 💜 it’s okay to feel mad 😞

@LoveMyMoonflowers

*hugs* thank you ni.. 🩷

am i a terrible person for often thinking about how my life would be better without her..? wishing she didn’t exist..? as much as i hate her, i still feel bad for thinking thoughts like that…

@justmeeva

*keeps hugging* i think it’s completely valid to feel frustrated and mad at your sister 💙 especially since she’s been doing all this for so long :') did you talk to your parents/guardians about it? 💜

@LoveMyMoonflower

no.. my mom would probably just think that it’s some normal sibling thing, i don’t think i could explain it well enough to let her know how much it’s bothering me. besides, it isn’t that big of a deal i guess, just really annoying and irritating sometimes, and just to know that she’s not gonna change anytime soon doesn’t help much. but it probably doesn’t matter anyways, gotta just live with it

@justmeeva

:') i’m so sorry. Me wish there was something i could do 😞

@LoveMyMoonflowers

nothing’s your fault ni lovely, i appreciate you being here very very much, just that is already really helpful 🩷 thank you for listening and caring about me 💕

@LoveMyMoonflowers

*hugs vv tight if oki* 💕

@LoveMyMoonflowers

i didn’t mean to make you feel helpless or bad, i’m sorry ❤️ everything you do is useful and i’m very tankful for that. it makes me happier to just see you, you don’t have to do anything extra to make things better 🩷 thank you very much for everything 🫂💕

@LoveMyMoonflowers

is ni friend okie? 🩷

@justmeeva

hugs always okie! *hugs*

i don’t even wanna call this house a home anymore. 

i wanna get out of this place away from those people.

a parent is supposed to make things better, easier and be helpful not make things *** worse

told you. *** told you. every even nearly good day ends like ***.

i'm done.

@justmeeva

*sits with eva* 💜

idk how much longer i can do this. 

i just woke up to 13 notifications, and me being me, it made me so happy 😭❤️

@justmeeva

awwe 🥺💕

@LoveMyMoonflowers

ni friendddd :0 <3

@justmeeva

evaaabuddyybeaann :0 💕

@LoveMyMoonflowers

*hugs nibuddy with the warmest hugs for the most warmhearted ni friend* 💕

@justmeeva

*huggies back vvvv tight* me loves you 🥺💙

@LoveMyMoonflowers 
i love you too my friend, very very much 💕
hru nibuddy? 

@justmeeva

hehe, me pass. 💙 hru? :o 

@justmeeva

mhm… it’s okay. 💙 me here for you too if you need okie (?) 💜 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

*sits with ni friend 🩷* thank you 💕

“she was asked to grow up too soon.”. 

this sentence broke me. it hit deeper than anything before. 

i watched a movie. i don’t know why, but i feel almost at peace now. it’s almost comforting to be alone. it’s almost easy to accept that maybe i’ll be alone forever. i feel so lost, and at the same time, i feel like i’m exactly where i’m supposed to be. almost. it’s almost like i don’t mind the darkness anymore. it’s almost like i don’t want to fight my dark mind anymore. it’s almost like i don’t want to resist the voices in my head anymore. it’s almost like i’m inspired and also letting go of my dreams at the same time. it’s almost like i have a purpose, and also not at all at the same time. it’s almost like i don’t care anymore. it’s almost like i wouldn’t mind if anything happened to me right now. not in the “i hate myself and would deserve it” kind of way, it’s more like i’ve reached my reason and goal for life. although nothing changed. i haven’t done anything. it feels like if i were to go to sleep right now, i wouldn’t wake up. and almost like i wouldn’t mind it. it’s strange. it’s almost like peace. but it doesn’t matter, this feeling is gonna fade soon. the peace will be gone, and all that’s left is darkness. i’ll be hopeless. i’ll be lost. it’s almost like i know it. 

yup there we go. first this, then a moment of happiness and now this wave of darkness. the nighttime has finally reached my mind. again. 

funny thing is, i could just go to sleep. it would literally be good for me. i have the chance to escape and skip it all. but i don’t. so, who am i to complain. it’s my fault anyway. 

maybe it’s time to use the escape earlier than usually. couldn’t hurt… i think. 

i’m afraid some things will never stop hurting. 

so.

many. 

thoughts. 

i found a friends’ diary from many years ago. it’s one of those diaries where your friend puts some information and facts in there. i had 4 friends back then. i have none of them anymore. that reminded me everything about them, everything about us. all the memories came flowing in. and then i realised. memories is all they are. i’ll never get those moment back. never live them again. 

there’s something that caught my eye while reading through them all. it said “our most memorable adventure:”. 3 of my friends had said “coming soon”. that absolutely broke my heart. one of them was right, we went on a trip to another country together. that was her dream with me. the other 2 tho… never happened. i miss them. i miss us. 

me and happy? no. that’s not a happy smile. that’s the smile of hurt. that’s the smile of sadness. that’s a smile of crying inside. that’s the smile of trying my hardest not to give up. that’s the smile of discovering something that broke me just a little more. not even smiles can be trusted.