Eva’s Crazy Mind

all i want right now is to have someone always there for me. i want to be someone’s only favourite person. i want to be someone’s only best friend. i want to be someone’s only one-of-a-kind. i want someone who would double check on me every time we communicate. i want someone who would be able to convince me that the voices in my head are wrong. i want someone to hug. i want someone who would completely accept me. i want someone who would just listen to me. i want someone who would make plans with me. i want someone around who i’d be comfortable being myself. i want someone who wouldn’t make me doubt their love for me. i want someone who would never make me blame myself. i want someone to understand me. i want someone who would truly mean everything they say. i want someone who could know how to deal with me. i want someone who would know me. i want someone that lets me know they’d never leave and actually not leave. i want someone who would tell me that we can do this together. i want someone that would cause me happiness, only happiness without all the *** side effects. i want someone who would trust me. i want someone who would share everything with me. i want someone who would make me feel important. i want someone who would make me feel special. 

but, as i’ve clearly understood, it is wayyy too much to ask for. it’s not gonna happen. not to me. i’m lonely. that won’t probably change. i don’t even know if there’s anyone like that in the whole entire world at all. probably not. so, i’ll just keep dreaming. keep wishing. until one day, i stop. 

@justmeeva   hey. I'm reading all your posts. I come onto this site and make some posts, but I mostly provide support and friendship to those who need it. it was kinda funny cause I clicked on the community tab, and was about to click on depression support....but I felt like I shouldn't. then I saw yours. idk why but I felt drawn to this forum. before I clicked on it, I knew in my gut it was going to be a lot. after reading, I've come to really like you. your real. and, you might be afraid of sharing all this, but its really brave of you to do it anyway. I'm gonna keep reading, and write another comment when I'm all done. I want you to know though that even though this is all vertual I'm willing to be your friend. ik it might just sound like words right now, but I'll stick around as long as you'll let me. you really need a real friend rn. and I'm willing to be that. hang in there. :)

@justmeeva Let me tell you right now, you are special. So very special. And those voices telling you negative things? They don't belong to you. They aren't anything good, they don't want to help you. But they have no control over you, so don't be afraid of them. They are not a part of who you are. YOU are loved, so loved, so very loved.

i just realised losing me is not a loss at all. lmao. 

ok here’s how it’s gonna go:

i’ll get bad

i’ll no longer be able to support people and be my sweet and helpful self

people will stop coming to me for help

i will lose contact with everyone

i’ll be useless

i’ll get even worse because of all the things above

i’ll end up completely alone 

i’ll have to deal with myself by myself while the others will just find someone else, someone better, someone more stable and still be okay

isn’t that just cool? can’t wait for the voices to tell me “i told you that was gonna happen” lol. 

oh *** i just realised i don’t even really wanna live anymore :D like i’ve lost any hope there ever was! not gonna do anything because i can’t so no worries about that, just gotta live knowing i don’t wanna be here :D

i don’t think i’ve ever been so bad yet lmao. never had those thoughts before. never experienced those feelings before. never hated myself more before. never craved anyone like that before. *** *** ***. 

my biggest mistake was thinking anyone would care. 

everything’s my fault lmao. everything. 

i can’t. i can’t. i can’t. 

@justmeeva

*sits with you* 💙

@LoveMyMoonflowers

*sits* thank you… 🩷

i don’t wanna be like that, i don’t wanna push people away with this attitude thing, i don’t want to seem cold, i don’t want to be alone, i don’t want to lose people..

aaand i started venting. nvm it all. 

@justmeeva

*hugs for you if okay* 💙

@LoveMyMoonflowers

*hugs* thank you… thank you thank you thank you. 

i needed that. 

@justmeeva

can me just tell eva buddy bean :') that it’s okie to struggle sometimes, mhm? 💜 it’s okie to feel what you feel. me knows how messy emotions can be. and how things can get so overwhelming in our heads 😞 while i’m not exactly in your place and don’t know what your exactly going through, i’m honestly proud of you for still being here. 💙 me promise lovely, you can never be replaced. you are eva. 💜 your loved. your appreciated. we will always love our eva friend 💙 the happy eva, the sweet eva, the supportive eva, the sad eva - no matter what your feeling or no matter what your going through, you’ll always be loved. 🥺 me promise. *hugs you vvv tight* 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

hehe i wish my mind would let me believe that rn. hopefully i will one day. it does mean much to me, that i can promise, it’s just hard to accept it atm. thank you for this, thank you for caring, thank you for still being sweet even if you’re struggling yourself aswell. i’m sorry for being this mess right now, for being distant and not knowing anything. i don’t even know what happened to me, i don’t know why or when it happened.. i’m probably being dramatic anyway. still, thank you. 🩷

@justmeeva

oof :') you not alone in that buddy. T^T me understand how our brains seem inclined to believe the hurtful words, and it’s hard to believe we are loved. 💜 i think it’s probably something we struggle with for a long time :') 

you don’t have to be sorry for anything lovely 💙 and i don’t think your being dramatic. sometimes we don’t know what’s going on, we might just feel so overwhelmed or life just gets so… yk, lifey and messy :') there’s no need to apologise for *feeling.* 💜 *keeps hugging you tight* 💙 

me proud of you for making this safe space for evabuddybean to write. 🥺

@LoveMyMoonflowers

thank you *for the 100th time*. i do believe you understand. i love you so much, i’m happy to have you 🩷

*hugs probably forever*

@justmeeva

awwe, yay, eva hugs 🥺 eva hugs are even better even eva-buddy hugs forever hehe. 💜 me loves you *that* much and more 😛

@LoveMyMoonflowers

and if it’s any question, you’re not alone either oke? i’m still always rooting for you, and always here, even if i might not be much help rn. 🩷🫂

@justmeeva

me thinks you being here, showing you care and being kind is plenty of help. seriously. 💙 ni friend is grateful for you 💜 kindness is powerful especially in the world we live in :') 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

then i shall give all my kindness and care to you ni friend ❤️

@justmeeva

🥺💕

in the kind of world we live in* somehow english can’t be wrapped around my brain some days 🧠 

@justmeeva

me lurked a teeny tiny bit in SR and saw evabuddy. 🥺 you okie lovely? 💜 me here if you need anything, okie? 💙 no pressure to talk about anything 💜 me just telling you, me here. 💙 *offers huggies*

@LoveMyMoonflowers

hi ni buddy.. i don’t know why i’m even trying anymore, every time i go to the chat rooms i’m looking for hope that maybe, just maybe the voices in my head are wrong, that maybe there is a chance that there’s someone waiting for me or something, but it’s never like that, just when i most need it. people rarely notice you when you’re there but boy they’re quick to say goodbye. i’m not mad at anyone, i’m not blaming anyone, i just hate that those things happen at the wrongest times. 

eugh i don’t like that i’m venting again, i know you’re struggling too, i should be there for you too but i can’t rn and it makes me feel like i owe you… i’m telling you those stupid feelings are really messing me up. i’m sorry…

@justmeeva

awwe no lovely, absolutely not. eva buddy’s been there for me too 💕 and that means a lot to me. we’re friends, and that means we are here for each other, mhm? 🥺 you don’t have to apologise for venting or talking. 💙

@LoveMyMoonflowers

it just… it feels wrong… i don’t want to seem like i’m going off on you because of my own *** because i swear i’m not, i’m just mad at myself and life and how everything’s happening how it’s happening… and i can’t be sweet and positive and happy rn which leaves me looking so cold and unappreciative… i don’t want you or anyone thinking differently of me because of this place..

i’ll uh… go for a little, but be back in an hour or a few. love u 🩷

@justmeeva

*hugs you* no buddy, me no think differently. i’ve always thought your a sweet hooman, emphasis on both sweet and hooman. 💙 and that means, as hoomans we all struggle and have our a little off days :') and that okie. 💜

me sorry, ni friend won’t be on for a while now. had to leave earlier because of some things at home. 💙 me hopefully talk to eva buddy tomorrow 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

*hugs* i hope everything will be okay for you, stay safe and see you tomorrow 🩷

@justmeeva

mhm, me okie. hru today buddy? 🥺

@LoveMyMoonflowers

i’m okay rn though i have a feeling that it’ll all repeat like yesterday and the days before that :,) we’ll see. i’m glad you’re okie 🩷

@justmeeva

it’s okie 💙 here for you if you need to talk about anything. 

(yesterday ni friend had to leave quickly so i couldn’t reply to your posts in time T^T me sorry lovely) 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

it’s okay, not your fault 🩷. thank you. i’m here for you too, always 💕

@justmeeva

ni friend appreciate you eva 💜 vvv much.