Eva’s Crazy Mind
i’ve wanted to make a forum post like that for quite a while now, but never brought myself to actually make it. here i will write up all sorts of thoughts and vents, everything i need to get off my mind. it’s not gonna be positive or motivational, not even close. i personally don’t recommend reading it just because it doesn’t help lol. you’re welcome to read, replies are okay, just be aware that it’s gonna be a pretty dark place. i don’t usually ask for help despite telling everybody to. idk why. i’m not a very good example of what’s right to do. TW just in case, not planning to go that far but who knows.
i’m making myself this space because sometimes you can feel lonely while being surrounded by a million people and that’s nobody’s fault.
best wishes to you. ❤️
i feel like i’m doing something wrong. well, everything. but i can’t think of- like.. what exactly? or maybe i can’t figure out of it’s actually wrong? god some things are hard to explain.
i left an irl friend on delivered. i’m not like this. i’m not someone to ignore texts just because. but he texted a day or a few after the.. day i was gonna leave. when i had some of the worst days in my life. so i couldn’t muster up anything to say. and it was just casual, random, life news, so it wasn’t that important. but he doesn’t know what’s all going on with me. he has no idea. so to him, it just seems like i’m ignoring him. and i hate that. but also.. idk what to say now. idk what excuse to bring, since mental health isn’t something i want to mention. i don’t wanna dump on him like that. so idk.
and i know i’ve said i have no friends irl. i guess that’s not entirely true. but it also is. we used to go to the same school, but he left a couple of years ago. him and his twin brother. we got along well, they’re the better kind of teenagers than the usual ones (sorry for grouping teens that way but it kinda makes sense doesn’t it?), they’re friendlier, more accepting, kind of more similar to cupsers lol. so we kept in touch. but the communication has decreased over time. especially lately. i haven’t talked to his twin for a long time now. but it’s this kind of friendship between us 3 (used to be another girl but that’s complicated now idk) that even with little communication, the friendship doesn’t change. it’s still all lighthearted and the same. (i’m starting to realise this whole text is getting so messy and confusing. eh. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ). we meet once a month or a few, don’t communicate daily, but not calling them my friends seems wrong too. so like- they’re not my friends but they’re not not my friends-..? complicated.
point of this all? idk. just had to get this, whatever it is, out of my head. yeah idk.
1am. finally got my little brother to go to sleep. he had come across some scary videos and was scared to sleep alone in his room. he was convinced he was gonna sleep at mom’s bed at first. but i got him to go to his room, and i eventually managed to talk him out of it. it took like- an hour. maybe. also, you’re welcome, mom. (no i’m glad i figured it out. i already know i handled it so much better than my mom would have. funny, isn’t it.)
tw.
those scary little images my brain likes to show me anytime i close my eyes. won’t go into detail. they keep me up at night. they make me imagine things, feel fear. hm.
“you can’t fix a glass that’s still breaking
start climbing if you’re still falling
heal a wound that’s still bleeding
solve a puzzle that’s pieces are still missing
repair a bridge that’s still collapsing.”
i remember wishing for that teenage dream more than anything. now, i know i’ll never get it. and i pray i won’t.
it’s always the kindest, purest souls that are put through the toughest challenges. why? some have no idea what it’s like. some take part in creating those challenges, or making them worse. how are some people so.. blind? i really don’t understand. we’re losing good people every day, and they complain about how it’s only fake friends and toxic people in this world? how it’s so hard to find the loyal, true ones? people, you’re the ones breaking them. you’re the ones silencing them. you’re the ones making them leave. can’t you see? if i could, i’d give all the ones suffering a big hug. i’d help them with all that’s left from me, even if it’s not much. i’d protect them from the cruelty of the world. if only i could. if only i could..