in the wonders of my mind💗.

_{*looks around* sorry I got busy-../j}

_{I actually haven’t been gone that long but it feels like it’s been so long} 

_{I’m officially cool!! I went out with people! with my friends! and we were together all day until 10pm! *cool emoji*/j but um yeah it was fun my dad kept saying I never told them I was gonna go with them in their car but I definitely did he just never listens I know I did and he just went yeah yeah okay okay but I still messaged him when I got there like btw incase you forgot I’m with j. and then he was like can you give me her number I wanna talk to you and I had to talk to him in front of her like it was a normal father daughter convo and she was like what’d he say and I was like oh yeah no he just wanted to make sure I was okay.}

_{im too tired to talk about everything but it was fun. I saw four people from our school and year group but it’s fine :’) now they think I have friends.} 

_{also she posted a photo of me and her with my permission and only the people she had added could see it but everyone she had added were people from our school and soo many of the popular kids from our year group saw it everyone that saw it was year9 and after a couple of hours 52 people saw it idk how many people saw it now (I went through every single person that did see it by then they were all from year9 (‘: ) but- it’s fine right- there’s no reason it wouldn’t be} 

_{i have so many tests. we’re having all our baselines next week (2 days?) and I was talking to someone about it and someone just randomly joined the convo and they said that baselines affect your grade. I never knew that :’) I just wanted to fail so that when I’m put into the lowest sets I can actually try and then I’d pass all my target grades and have the most progress and improvement and seem really smart.} 

_{my dad just called me and told me to read something off his phone. it was a school email. and I sort of just read over it and it wasn’t even for me it was for my brother and he scared me so bad and I got mad because why’re you mad at me you just assumed I did something wrong and didn’t even bother reading it or anything and he got mad at me for I don’t know what but I went back to my room and he just went charging after me and my brother closed the door from outside before he could get in and he just started yelling and he did get in and I won’t talk about the rest but when he stopped he did the thing with the face where he’d look around and. I don’t know. I used to think it was the face he made when he realized oh *** my own daughter is scared of me what am I doing. but yeah no. idk he didn’t hurt me too bad he gets so violent tho I just :’) sometimes I wanna be like bro are you going through something because why does he hate me so much seriously but if he was I genuinely would not care like 14 years of living with him 12 years of this *** being affected by it and 4 years when my brain powered back on and I actually understood that I was going through stuff it’s so impossible feeling bad for my dad because he was never a dad to me just a part of my childhood trauma and a *** human.}

tw

I should actually think about putting those in the beginning of the text instead of in a whole other post

_{page 93 is crazy- I gave chatgpt a math equation to work out} 

To find the average number of posts made per day, we need to calculate the total number of posts and divide that by the number of days between March 18, 2024, and September 7, 2024.

1. Total number of posts:

Each page has 40 posts, and they are on page 93, so:

 93 \times 40 = 3720 \text{ total posts} 

2. Number of days:

From March 18, 2024, to September 7, 2024, is:

• March 18 to March 31: 14 days

• April: 30 days

• May: 31 days

• June: 30 days

• July: 31 days

• August: 31 days

• September 1 to 7: 7 days

Total number of days:

 14 + 30 + 31 + 30 + 31 + 31 + 7 = 174 \text{ days} 

3. Posts per day:

Now divide the total number of posts by the total number of days:

 \frac{3720}{174} \approx 21.38 

So, on average, they posted about 21.38 times per day.

_{21 isn’t even bad! :0 some days I didn’t post at all and other days I was just yapping and yapping and yapping- but still. 21 :0.. can’t believe I made it here tho I’m gonna celebrate the day I naturally~ make it to 100 pages of my yapping} 

_{I need to organize my room I wasn’t told to it’s just- that way my dad doesn’t need to find something to make me do or yell at me for something while I’m organizing my room yk}

_{but here are some life updates :>} 

……………….

why do I keep forgetting what I was gonna say 

okay life updates later I’m gonna go organize my room 

_{I forgot I wasn’t organizing my room that long :’) actually. I mean not really but idk I forgot and came back after 6 hours and now that post is still there in another tab but here’s the ending lol-}

_{'oh yeah. the case. the case is back open. it’s a long story but ngl now I feel like no one’s listening and no one cares and I’m just yapping but whatever gonna go byee'}

_{i wasn’t being dramatic right. I wasn’t :’) I was just hoping that I wasn’t just yapping for no reason when no one was there. and I don’t want to be talking to myself}

_{but I’m gonna go do that in my private diary space where I can imagine people listening and it would be okay :] byebye}

_{aww people!! thankyou!! okie now I can yap}

_{goodmorning 🩷 tomorrow we start the third week of year nine. I’m really scared but also it’s just like a I need to be forced to be there and then do everything in my power to not break down or run away, survive the day, and then I can run :> type of scared.} 

when I went to get the pe leggings it’s also a long story but they kept giving us the wrong ones and we ended up buying 2 pairs of the wrong leggings and even when we pointed it out to them in the pe uniform thing they didn’t care they were just like yeah yeah that’s the one I told my pe teacher and idk why but this year she doesn’t hate me. she likes me. she smiles at me. she’s still strict idk why she likes me tho

i had detention with my friend. I didn’t do anything tho, it was 15 minutes of lunch because our whole class got in trouble for making a huge mess at break when another class was gonna be learning there (for now we have our breaks inside because they’re building stuff and also the weather and you can sit in your lead class for breaks) and I wasn’t even there but hoy said every member of 9b needs to be there in break to like idk reflect with her or whatever and my friend came in after she said that she came in late and I was there but I forgot and then I remembered and I told her and she kept saying she didn’t care and pulling me away and I even made it sound scarier than it actually was like the consequences of not showing up and she wouldn’t let me go and after like 2 days I thought hoy forgot about it but she didn’t and yeah. so after the 15 minutes reflection thing we went up to our lead class for the rest of lunch we didn’t have to now but we did and

um :’) people were running around, there was food everywhere, two people were on the floor fighting and one person was on top of the other and the other guy was like I can’t breathe I can’t breathe and he threw him into a table and he hit his head on a metal thing someone was shoving someone else into a wall, the new kid guy leena 2.0 he was having an argument with someone they were yelling across the room (except his voice always sounds so calm) someone threw their friend on me and they were like sorry sorry people were coming in from other classes and just screaming and someone came in and yelled  ms (hoy) is coming! and everyone started running and panicking and then she came in like guys..why am I coming in seeing everyone running around the classroom? I don’t remember the rest she just gave us a long lecture about standards and idk and she left and no one even waited to make sure she was gone they just- …

I made a bunch of nice friends. we got put into a seating plan for every single subject (except for performing arts) I hate the seating plans so much I’m always working well no matter who it is I’m sitting next to but now I’m just annoyed. my math teacher is really nice and never thought she’d have to put us in a seating plan because we’re supposed to be mature now and we’re year 9 but she tried so hard with our class I don’t blame her so she had to put us in a seating plan. we switch math rooms every time we have math and in one room to my right is this really weird kid its just uncomfortable sitting next to them but I made friends with the guy to my left (it’s a boy girl boy girl seating plan) he makes being there a little better he talks to me like I’m a normal person he talks to me like we’re friends like bro thankyou if I was put next to any of the other popular kids they’d keep complaining so much and begging the teacher to switch anywhere but next to me like whatever it is I swear it’s not contagious? they do it for a lot of people it still makes me feel like ***

I have 2 presentations I need to start thinking about. I’m gonna get my standards card signed-

i met the cutest baby. to ever exist. yesterday, it’s really long but I was sitting in a kids playing area and he wanted to play with me he was so adorable I wanted to cry :’) and he put a bunch of those like- hold on lemme find it 

he piled a bunch of those on top of each other and he would go back and jump on it and run off and then he’d tell me to do it but for me I only have to step because it wasn’t that high to me so he kept telling me I wasn’t doing it right and demonstrating, and he kept just- flopping- face first on it. he was so cute. oh and before that he kept looking around and getting toy cars and giving them to me and smiling at me so much and I’d be like- oh- oh this one’s so cool. oh and the pile he made he made me go there and he pointed at it and I was like- oh you did that? and he smiled so proudly and went ya and I was like ohhh goodd jobbbb that’s so cool, and he kept telling me to do stuff after him like he’d do it and then he’d smile and look at me and I’d go oh me? and he’d go ya and then I’d do it and he’d do it again and I’m like oh nooo I’m not as strong as you I can’t do that. oh also. he grabbed one of the toys, and he used so much force to throw it, that when he threw it he jamp and fell-

i don’t know how long I was there but I stayed there a lot longer than I thought I would for him his mom was sitting like at the back on her phone the whole time and she smiled at me sometimes, oh also! also xD I gave him this toy that made like different music and I was like do you know how this works and he took it and he pressed on all of them and he handed it back to me and he was like "imsostrong" wbnishsooisbswnisghjeowjaosun 

I wanted to hug him he was so tiny and adorable I asked his mom what his name was and she was like his name? what’s your name? (not in a way like she didn’t know his name in a way to get him to say it) and he said it and my brother (my brother was there the whole time the baby just wanted to play with me more lol :3 my brother was on his phone) put his fist- down- for a fist bump and he put his hand around my brothers fist and then gave him a fist bump and he was like bye (his name) and I did the same and he still put his hand around my hand then gave me a fist bump and then I kept waving to him and turning around and waving some more and he was standing there waving too I was smiling so much that day 

_{I got a new pencil case. my aunt got it for me. my last pencil case was such a mess it was ripped up and drawn on everywhere I never even got it out because it looked so bad I’d just get what I need while it’s still in my bag and then keep it there}

_{my dad keeps venting to people about my behavior and this age and generation and how "it’s just you don’t get it I don’t want her to get used to talking like this"} 

_{like really…….you don’t………actually……..?}

_{what behavior tho and how do I talk I feel like the worst thing I’ve done now is say okay aggressively and then he was like see? you see how she’s talking back to me? it’s like she can’t stand hearing me say a word to her} 

_{but he keeps saying things that make me really upset like if he sees me on my device he’d keep talking about how the eye doctor literally told me my eyes were getting weaker because of screen time and how I’m gonna go blind or if I’m just existing with hair he’d say I’m gonna go bald before I graduate and go to school and have everyone laugh at me (I tried taking care of my hair. I wanted to go to year 9 with my natural hair and be able to manage it but when my aunt bought me a shampoo and conditioner and I started washing my hair once a week he got so mad and he told me not to wash my hair when he’s not there, because I only did right when he left, and he kept touching my hair so mad and being like idk and after I only washed it 3 times he hid everything and he said that I’m too young for this kind of stuff and that he’ll just take me to get my hair straightened and now I’m back to hair treatments) and he said that in pe once everyone sees me running they’re all gonna start making fun of me because I run like a chicken (it’s hard to translate) and he said that I’m getting taller and now (fatter) too and how huge I am is gonna be intimidating. Im still barely average. if you’re so *** obsessed with a fit body why don’t you lose weight. you work out. you diet. you starve yourself. I give up}

Tw _sh

_{hi. I’m back from school.} 

I woke up crying, screaming crying. hyperventilating crying and my heart got faster and I couldn’t breathe and I was like violently shaking.

I don’t want to talk about it tho. it’d sound stupid. I know it wasn’t I wasn’t being dramatic or anything 

and then I changed and straightened my hair because I woke up late too minutes before I’m supposed to leave the house late and I was crying but rushing and I thought of not going to school. since it would only be one day it would show for my dad (if he even checks the school app which he doesn’t) but he wouldn’t get notified or anything because you need to be absent for 3 days to need a doctors note or an email to your parents 

and of course I needed to leave the house because I don’t know how to explain how mad my dad gets when I miss a day of school so I was thinking of different areas to sit in until the end of the school day 

and it could’ve genuinely worked but I still didn’t. hid until 7:44 but still ended up late 

and then we were lining up for assembly and my friend asked me if I was okay and I just pretended not to hear and she asked again and I almost started crying again but guess what :D I didn’t :D 

history was sad and boring and lonely, I got a reward point(they’re not actually called that) for idk what working well that’s what the teacher said  

science had some okay parts, okay parts being the time a girl asked me for a highlighter and I had one and she said thankyou but still-  

pe was sad I don’t wanna talk about it

english was sad, I answered a question tho and I sounded smart. no one likes our english teacher but she’s nice to me

arabic was insanely annoying my arabic teacher hates me and I’ve never done anything bad I’m always trying my hardest and when someone right next to me hasn’t answered a single question she kept coming back and yelling at me over and over again for how much I wrote and so many people haven’t even written anything too I don’t get it they do stuff so bad to the point of suspension like are you letting your anger out on me. I hate my hoy too but I swear I might just go to her and write a report she’s so mean to me for no reason I’m actually so tired and I’m trying but she says such horrible stuff to me and yells all the time at just me and targets me when everyone else isn’t doing anything but talking and playing and making fun of her the fact she’s a mom bumfuzzles me I know our class is annoying but whys she so mean like idk :’) just leave me alone like I’m trying and I’m so tired and I don’t want to and I literally don’t know any arabic but I’m forced to be in arabic-a because of where I’m from and she’s still so mean 

maths was okay I guess. my math teacher this year is really nice but after our baseline I’ll just be in a random set with some strict teacher, she’s the only nice math teacher for our year group. 

I left for bus in maths. bus people leave 10 minutes early idk doesn’t count as skipping tho, I dropped my friend off to her bus and went up to third floor and just hid there for a while. I was filming a video for the fun of it I heard a teacher and threw my bags in a stall and hid there, stayed until 3:40 and I have an elevator pass but too risky so I ran down the stairs some teachers were talking in second floor I kept running all the way till I made it to reception and I started speed walking and

the gates were locked. like why are the gates locked there were still people in the school

so I went out through that place bus come from it was locked too but it’s a low like um….its just low. so I went over it and there were cars moving and no sidewalk so I had to run away from the cars :’) and I made it outside that bus thing and to the other side of the road

and then I was walking. until I made it to my apartment. and I met a really nice woman in the elevator she was so sweet like why’re you so nice-

she was too nice to be someone I got to talk to

and yeah I got my family used to me being a lot later this year so they don’t get mad or worried or anything 

and then I changed and ate and drank a bunch of water because I keep realizing how dehydrated I am 

and now I’m just tired. it’s 7pm I know I said I’m back from school like I just came back from school but I’m back from school as in I’m done breathing and processing and stuff so now I’m back from school. 

I haven’t cried so hard in a while tho. like I’ve cried insanely hard but I feel like I haven’t cried this hard since…that day at the end of term 1 year 8. yeah. actually I was just crying a lot that day but today I was like :’) I can’t explain it I was like..screeching xD it was actually really bad tho. I looked at myself in the mirror and my whole face was shaking and I was like screaming with my throat and at some point I kept repeating something over and over again louder and louder and I was crying so hard I was like coughing and I wanted to throw up 

and then I started slamming myself into a wall n I have a shoulder bruise now 

idk. I want to say it felt good. the sh and the crying like a maniac. but it felt so horrible. it felt like death was approaching like bro I had my hand on my throat my heart was gonna explode. 

anywho. erm. crying like a maniac and being here yapping reminded me about how awesome it is and feels to be able to yap and not feel insanely lonely because I’m yapping to like chatgpt or some bot or in a private diary where no one cares, and I mean idk if anyone cares xD but I mean, where no ones actually listening

anwho

um

thankyou TvT if you still read what I post and stuff and if you’re still here🩷thankyou  

_{my dad came back and my brother was just talking to my dad and then he went "she was crazy today. she was cryingg and screamingg.." and I went you see me crying and you call me crazy and he said yeah you didn’t even wake up that late} 

…? :’)

_{and after I came home with a while my grandpa asked me when I want him to wake me up tomorrow because he doesn’t want to have to see me cry like that again} 

_{like thankyou but that’s not why I was crying :’)}   

@iloveyouxx

Not trynna make this about me but i had a horrible day too and felt this so hard 😔 im glad that talking about it here can help you even just a little <3 hope tmrrws better 💓



@unassumingEyes

no you’re not and it’s fine🩷I’m sorry 😞 it’s hard. mhm <3 I don’t actually entirely hate this space when I’m not obsessing over it,  thank you 💞 hope tomorrows better for you too💗

_{6:40am. I was up at 4:30 today and now I’m ready for school :’) day…12. everyone keeps saying times passing so fast now but it’s not :’) like yeah. after 2020 I was sort of lost but the years and months and weeks and everything’s passing so slow and too many things are happening and idk} 

_idk. 

_{why do I have 3 presentations this week and a bunch of baselines}

_{i told my moral ed teacher my device was out of charge and my presentation was on there and that I’d present next lesson (and then I was gonna figure something out for next lesson)} 

_{and she gave me a charger.}

_{and I have a french presentation I haven’t started on I don’t want to} 

_{and an english speech presentation thing} 

_{I have a math baseline. an IT baseline a french baseline a science baseline} 

_{I have to go I leave in 20 minutes}

_{byebye :’)}

_{in lead.} 

_{I got stuck in the english corridor traffic and I was trying to get out of it and then someone came and pushed me from behind or got pushed or idk and I yelled "bro" and sort of shoved back but I only heard it after- and- they said sorry. and no one ever ever ever says sorry in english corridor traffic and I turned around and it was the leena 2.0 guy and I yelled- it’s okay- I feel so bad I actually feel so bad :’)}

_{he presented his speech thing in english today. it was so good. and the teacher said you need to have a clear voice as one of the things and someone said what if you can’t understand their accent and everyone started laughing and right when he started everyone started laughing and he had to restart because no one would stop, and someone put his full name in their presentation and said something like "and then he tried to tell him that (something I didn’t hear) but he kept stuttering and no one could understand his accent so-"}  

_{now I’m in lunch. :’) I have to present my thing as the first person next lesson}

_{my friends absent so todays been lonely}

_{i had to get into a group of 4 in dance. and then we had to make up a dance thing with everything we’ve learnt and perform it at the end}

_{my last dance teacher wouldn’t have ever made me do that :’) I even got my standards card signed I’m so bothered we’re 2 and a half weeks in and it was because I didn’t have my dance trainers but I sort of can’t right now like my dad and my aunt and everything I can’t remember to get dance trainers and I can’t get anyone to buy them for me} 

_{honestly my last dance teacher actually cared. she understood so well anxiety and stuff I felt so bad because she was so nice}

my dance teacher this year just doesn’t care at all  

_{I need to go down for art in 5 minutes :’)}

_{okay so. I know I said those 3 guys didn’t like me but, one of them was absent and now I’m somehow friends with the other two.} 

 _{it started when one of the guys was aggressively trying to blend his drawing cause the teacher told him to add darker shading and he was using his finger and for some reason it was making this weird squeaky goofy sound so I was looking at him because I couldn’t draw with the table shaking and because- huh :’) and he looked up at me still doing that and down at the drawing and up at me and I was trying not to laugh and that’s when we got comfy talking and stuff} 

_{and the other guy just started talking to me too so art wasn’t too lonely} 

_{im trying to like. fit in✨and not look weird, because if I’m weird now I’ll always be weird I don’t wanna seem like um….new. lost. left out. I don’t wanna seem like im the person anyone would want to target} 

I have friends now. and people that don’t like me, a lot of people don’t like me. 

_{I don’t wanna talk about it but its people that talk bad about me or give me dirty looks or say stuff right to me}

_{anywho I’m reallytired I’m gonna go rest} 

_{no because 6 hours is so good. closer to 7 but still considering everything i need and use my device for that’s so little}

_{proud of myself/j} 

_{everyone’s getting sick.} 

_{my dad just came from work and locked himself in his room so not being on edge for this long is scary} 

_{I’ve just been blasting playlists in my ear and breathing.} 

_{I woke up at 4am again. and now it’s 6:52 I leave in 15 minutes :’)} 

_{oh yeah I did my english thing! I just did it right now and read it a bunch of times because we have english first today-}

but I’m still gonna ask- when everyone’s distracted and talking- if I can just read it to her in break or something or idk I really don’t wanna do it