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- in the wonders of my mindš.
in the wonders of my mindš.
hey there :D hm. last time I checked you didnāt look like meš§makes sense doesnāt itšsince there can only be one *me*āØone of a kind now arent Iš/sar. one out of 8118835999āØš·can you imagine :0 o right- you can- becoss youāre also one of a kindš sorrysorry haha :Pš¤im just messing around xDšalso itās 2am- but shush no snitchingš¤«Iāll sleep in a whilešwhen Iām feeling a bit more sane :>šš©·
wanted to have my own space.š for thoughts feelings vents or just anything on my mind.š
to whoever'sĀ coming acrossĀ :'3šplease dont lurk here.š©· I know anyone can have access to this forumĀ :')šbut please be respectfulš©·.(but honestly..I know someone will either way :Pš yāall get crazy nosy haha- itās alright.šnothing too interesting will be here anywayšif you would like to come in and be supportive itās completely okiešbut please donāt make it a regular or "normal" thing if that makes sense. just have a sort of limitšbecause Iād still like this to be just my space ^-^š)
so when I posted that someone rang the doorbell and I sent it and went to look for my brother to tell him to open the door so now Iām still awake :ā) Ā I had to sit with the guests and I was so tired I didnāt even look at anyone I just sat there and I could barely keep my eyes open they were all talking and now I just got up and left Iām so tired. Iām still really sleepy but itās 2:10pm (today was a half day at school) and Iām just gonna yap about some stuff that happened today :>Ā
I got invited to someoneās house, itās just me thatās coming though. in year 7 she said sheād find a day for me to come over and 2 years later we never fulfilled those plans and we remembered that on monday and today she was like wait are you free today and apparently she was ready to have me over and I was like aw I donāt know my dads number because she was gonna make me call him and she said tomorrow sheās got swimming lessons after tomorrow sheās visiting her friend in the hospital so I just said next friday (shes said before that Fridays are when she normally has play dates but she doesnāt have any next friday). and I actually think my dads gonna agree because lately heās just wanted me out of the house and specifically out with my friends because heās embarrassed about me or something idk. and she asked if Iām okay with being in someone elseās car because some parents arenāt okay with that and I said yeah of course and then we were just going yaayyy weāre finally putting our 2 year plan into actionĀ
first period I had french and it was pretty ..normal. :p weāre put in a boy girl seating plan and I sit next to this guy thatās in my old lead and we actually talked today so at least heāll actually talk to me like a normal personĀ
second period was islamic it was fun Iām in a table with 3 of my friends and we wouldnāt stop laughing. and today we didnāt do much but if we did we finished everything early so we got a lot of free timeĀ
third period was music. weāre working with a new instrument I forgot the name of- itās this long pole thing it has a hole through it and apparently the different colors make different sounds, the teacher put on videos and when the character in the video jumps on your color you hit the pole thing on the table and the teacher said weāre doing it as a class so we need to have trust in each other to make it as accurate as possible and work together etc and yeah our class wasnāt very trustworthy. everyone was just banging both of theirs (we got 2 each with different colors) so hard and not on their part at all of course when you hit it so hard itās so loud and my friend said it sounds like actual fireworks to your ears and it did and after a while the teacher made everyone stop and by then my head hurt and my ears were blocked and ā¦fuzzy if that makes sense? Iām gonna invent new terms atp. but yeah and my friend had a bad headache and some people were asking other like are you okay are you okay it was so bad, and for some reason the teacher I guess believed in us too much and put 4 more videos and everyone was just going all inĀ Ā
okie I just searched pole instrument colors and theyāre called boomwhackers. also I found the channel the teacher was putting on the videos from :0 and I found the first video we didĀ https://youtu.be/qhJnIF8GHnwĀ I didnāt even know it sounded like that at all till I found itĀ
fourth period was english 2 guys had a fight over a water bottle so the teacher punished everyone by making everyone stand up so she can put us in a boy girl seating plan except I was the only one that was put in a table with all boys they were talking about *** dolphins well actually the convo started with a guy asking would you *** a dolphin and then they started talking about other stuff. yeah I donāt like the seating planĀ
then thatās when I stayed with the girl after school and she invited me to her house. and at the beginning of the school day one of my other friends ran up to me before I walked in class and we talked then and F came back to school she dyed the bottom of her hair pink it looks so good and we talked too :3 yeah Iām really sleepy goodnight <3
i know it sounds like Iām bragging and tbh I donāt know if I am, I used to come home and tell my brother about that one interaction I had and Iād be so happy about it and heād just think Iām weird but Iām pretty sure thatās all thatās happening as in Iām really happy that Iām- happy and Iām happy for myself because Iām happy and I havenāt been happyĀ in a while and even if I know itās temporary itās still a lot to me and I think Iām gonna let myself be happy while Iām happy xD I need a dictionary for the things I say. but yeah Iām talking about my day and not thinking about any of the bad stuff too much because tbh, Iāve had a lot of bad stuff too xD and itās okay tho xD because Iām having happy moments and good parts of my day that I can talk about now and it means a lot to me. anywho enough blabber goodnight <3
I got woken up at 9am today. my cousins back so the whole familyās meeting at my uncles house because my uncles gonna travel today too (for work)
i dont want to see anyone :ā) or talk or smile or anything I just really wanted to sleep and rest this weekend and not talk to anyone i just woke up and got yelled at to change when no one else was even up or ready and now Iām completely ready and no one else isĀ
also yesterday I was getting yelled at for something I didnāt do and I was just trying to help and I got yelled at and basically told I wasnāt raised properly but I donāt even know who raised me so yeah you got a point there. and I just yelled that Iām so *** tired and they started making fun of meĀ
so that was nice. anywho now itās 10:32am Iām gonna leave my room so everyone can see that Iām ready at least they have cats Iām gonna see friska and prince :ā) Iāll just sit with them as long as I canĀ
@slowdecline48
thank you š¤Ā feel like itās not getting any better but Iām trying to survive what Iām going through right nowĀ
on our way my brother said that my cousins husband is gonna be there (heās her fiance until december but yk-) Iāve never met him irl but Iāve seen like 60 something photos from the day they got engaged and Iāve had one phone call with him because my cousin was talking to me and calling him on speaker so he started talking to me.Ā
and itās never personal I just really didnāt want to meet new people and in the photos he has this whole big family and what if I have to meet them but- he didnāt show up. he had work to take care ofĀ
but my cousin showed up :ā) and my aunt and 3 other cousins and my uncle and second aunt and my third uncle my grandparents came with us and my dad and brother and it was just a bunch of people I didnāt want to be sitting withĀ
a long time ago one of my cousins was annoying me and I didnāt want to say they were my least so I said theyād be my second least favorite cousin but I donāt actually rank them and he said that he annoys me so much that whoeverās the least must be absolutely horrible as in they mustāve done something to me and they keep bringing it up and I keep saying I was joking and that I just said that but I donāt actually rank them and this whole time he kept saying it was the cousin that came back that we all came for and I keep saying itās no one and I love all my cousinsĀ
and he brought it up today but long story short the cousin came and he told him as if I actually said he was my least favorite and later that first cousin was like so (London cousins name) one of us is (nadia)ās least favorite cousin. and then the london cousin Iām gonna call him a and he went I wouldnāt mind I mean Iāve been in london so you know far from the heart (or something like that I didnāt hear well)
Ā :ā)Ā
I would never rank my cousins. I canāt even imagine what Iād make it honestly but the reasons I didnāt want to see the london cousin are a lot but heās not my least favorite cousin I just donāt like him. heās the same cousin I found *** of when I was 8. the same cousin that dared me to do inappropriate things when I was too young to understand the same cousin that was the best at invalidating you no matter what you said at all tell him youāre stressed heāll literally laugh because what do you got to be stressed about and if I told him I was getting bullied heād just be like all kids joke like that like I canāt take a joke, I didnāt actually tell him I was getting bullied I told him about a specific girl that used to bully me. he made my ed worse, and then in front of everyone else heād be the nicest person thatās what hurt it hurt more than anything else heās done idk he made me feel so weakĀ
heās got 10 more years of idk before he starts working as a surgeon and heās not staying a long time soĀ
:>Ā
on the less depressing side :D I found this like music video from my school youtube itās so funny xD but Iām multitasking and I keep worrying that this whole thing is gonna get deleted so Iāll find it later and I canāt put it here but Iāll describe it xD bybye. <3
1:13am. I feel horrible. I just finished getting everything done as in everything I could ever need to get done and Iām gonna need to go out again tomorrow..or today- to get the school pe leggings because part of the second assembly was about what we canāt wear in pe and for most of year 7 and all of year 8 I wore shorts that werenāt actually the schools (and no one ever noticed) and leggings under that werenāt the schools either but weāre not allowed to wear even the school leggings under the school scort because- literally no reason i donāt even know it canāt be anything to do with standards this time but oh well I guess :ā)Ā
I have pe on mondays and tuesdays this year with my year 7 pe teacher. she hated me so much nothing made her more angry than having to see my face almost everyday. I didnāt even know she was still in the school.Ā
ā¦.. :ā) Iām really scared. of growing up and stuff. Iām scared Iām wasting my time like every day but I donāt know what Iām supposed to do Iām not even happy Iām just so tired everyday and yeah Iāve had a couple of good days last week but I kept thinking about a scenario where my friend died and I started thinking it was real and I started crying because "I donāt think Iāll ever be able to make any friend ever again" and I ended up falling asleep while I was crying (itās probably just me but Iāve always noticed that- when I cry really hard I get sleepy idk if thatās a thing) and dreamt about everythingĀ
and I keep thinking about stuff thatās happened and I donāt really want to talk about it because idk maybe thatāll make me think of it more but I donāt think Iāll ever actually be happy. idk. I donāt even know if I can graduate. but even if I do then what when does it actually get better I want to forget so bad I want to forget everything thatās ever happened to me even the good stuff I just want to forget I want to forget everythingĀ
I canāt stop thinking about stuff and Iām trying to think about something else at the same time so that its not the main thing Iām thinking about and itās just a background voice like this happened this happened this happened this happened I donāt want to listenĀ
I want to forget so bad. october 29 2021 I looked up how to lose your memory. I didnāt actually expect to find anything and that day I attempted I tried to commit and it turned into an attemptĀ
whys everything so loud now :ā) I just want everything to pause. or something. I donāt feel like Iām breathing Iām trying breathing techniques the air feels so limitedĀ
I donāt want to di.e.Ā I want to rest I want everything to stopĀ
.
I donāt want to exist anymore. I was supposed to be positive Iām sorry :ā) I donāt know Iām trying <3
ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦..
I feel so dead. Iām just gonna go close my eyes for a while again Ā
good morning
._. *flop*
I woke up early on my own today- my dad took my device but forgot to lock the door so I just took it-Ā
I had a really long dream. I feel like I should know what happened but I barely remember anythingĀ
also Iām really really hungry I canāt find the gumĀ :')
so. Iām insanely stressed out. I feel like I donāt even have time to talk about it because Iām so busy being stressed out and until it passes I donāt think Iāll let myself think of anything elseĀ
Iāve been overeating. well I counted the calories- 519. which is so horrible and ew and I feel ew I hate myself so much for that I feel sick but Iāve been sick on and off for a while nowĀ
519 calories is a lot for me but everyoneās different and I know itās just my mindset but thatās not actually gonna stop me. (and the feeling sick part might just be because of what Iām used to? idk.)Ā
I feel so wrong again like what is even happening and why am I alive and you know when you look at those illusion videos and then look away from the screen depending on the illusion everythingās gonna look different in some way and Iām looking around and everythingās closing in or like when you look from one place to another itās blurry and slow I donāt even know and Iāve been seeing stuff from when Iām not focusing on it and then I do and nothings there and I keep blacking out. my ears still ring sometimes but now it feels more there than ever I feel like itās coming from the- left. I donāt know where from the left itās just there.Ā
honestly when I found out your ears ringing wasnāt just an anxiety thing I couldnāt stop thinking about it :ā) I looked up the reasons or causes
hearing loss- I know if someone doesnāt hear well they probably wouldnāt know because they donāt know what itās like to hear well but Iām really sure that I have good hearing ;-; meniereās disease (I donāt know what that is) ear wax build up i highly doubt.Ā temporomandibular joint dysfunction I donāt know what that is either :ā)? injury or trauma, chronic condition, blood vessel, loud noises (maybe? but it canāt be because not all the time and I donāt think it would lead to my ears ringing for so long), cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure, brain tumors, diabetes (I saw this one and like :ā) what if I have diabetes :ā) but idk. what if I have any of these. I doubt every single one I donāt know) allergies, head injuries (still had my ears ring before) depression (itās rare and itās called pulsatile tinnitus where the sound beats in sync with your heart)Ā
I read 40 different causes and severe anxiety actually can make your ears ring "Ringing in the ears (tinnitus) is a common sign and symptom of anxiety disorder, anxiety and panic attacks, and chronic stress (hyperstimulation)."
im good with the hyperstimulation im gonna stop lookingĀ
im tired Iām gonna go :ā) byebye. <3
7:14pm. I didnāt sleep after school I was just too tired to come on
Iām still too tired to talk about my day so :ā) maybel Iāll skip talking about today.Ā
weāre not even a month in. weāre not even 2 weeks in. Iām so *** done and then today I saw this video of a guy talking a lot about how life is so short and we care about things that donāt actually matt.er at all and how weāre all just individuals in a single city/(state) in a single country in a single continent in a single planet in a galaxy among trillions of other galaxies
like
im so *** insi.gnificant, I mean they said that too but not in a bad way Iām literally nothing and he said that when we think about that we should think about how small our prob.lems actually are (the video was about how to stop caring too much)Ā
I hate thinking about how short life is because Iām just Iām not doing anything and I have nothing to do to make my life any more mea.ningful weāre all gonna be buri.ed or idk se.t on fire or something and all our memories and everything thatās ever happened to us is just de.ad with us I want to be a senior but I canāt picture myself as one and also if Iām a senior that means I have 3 years left of school and my grades suck now Iāve tried everything really itās hopel.ess for me. and to be honest I donāt even want to be a psychologist or anything at all I donāt want to work or go to school but like no one does unless you do-. and um. I wish I could sleep :ā) I havenāt woken up once at a time I wanted to since school started my sleeps so *** up
i feel like everyoneās judging me all the *** time like stop please stop itās not even weird itās just when people excessively stare it makes me feel like thereās something wrong with meĀ
i feel like I keep waiting for another year to start or something specific to happen but it never actually changes much I swear I just wanna cry Iāve been crying in my head I canāt even cry Iām trying not to cry so much this year well um mornings donāt count I hate school morningsĀ
literally ***. Iām so d.one with everything Iām so do.ne I donāt even wann.a be here. Iām ugly Iām *** Iām worth.less no one likes having me around I donāt know why I was bo.rn I want to pa.ss my soul onto a plastic bag thinking about myself is ew.
i know itāll ne.ver get better and I donāt care I donāt I just want everything to st.op I want to clos.e my eyes one more time. I donāt want to d.ie.
no one cares when youāre actually hurting what if I kept the text black I was like if no one likes me then, no one likes me-. but if no one likes me Iāll get all dramatic in my head because- no one likes me.Ā
I try to be liked but I donāt even think Iām being disloyal to myself. I donāt know who my authentic self is. I just know me around different peopleĀ
my dad went out idk with his friends I guess.
everyone keeps annoying me. annoying me as in making me feel like *** I genuinely feel so weak and tiredĀ
powerless.
I thought i was gonna faint today.Ā
I just donāt want to I donāt want to anymore any of this I just want to st.op
i know I was happy idk when and Iām switching a lot now but Iām just trying and some days are harder than other and.. āitās okayā I guess :ā) someone keeps annoying me about being on a device- itās my device and screen time and Iām wasting my time being pathetic it doesnāt affect you :ā) and theyāre like mmmmā¦have you got school tomorrow.. and I know they know I do the fact theyāre making me think about it doesnāt make me feel bad for being up it just makes me feel bad because Iāve got school tomorrow. oh wait I wasnāt supposed to be depressing here xD um- whoops. :p Iāll go now just until they leave but Iāll be back :p * poof*
I managed to wake up before 4am today. from 1am till then I was just closing my eyes getting up scared and checking the time over and over again and I was fully awake from 3 something
It actually is really calm tho. without me already feeling like me this is what I meant I just want everything to go quiet and stop for a while so- for a while I can breathe.Ā
I was thinking should I go out on the balcony, because the skyās beautiful and the weathers niceĀ
but- Iām good here.
ā¦
so todays gonna be fun. look at all those subjects I donāt want to be in :0!
I feel sick :ā) physically. psychically sick xDĀ
Iāve been sick on and off since school started- mostly on/jĀ
oh yeah. I canāt really explain how um- idk- it got. but on tuesday between break and math it got so crowded all around the big staircase around like outside the 2 doors leading to it and mostly all the way down the stairs and not too many up
it was so crowded as in. I kept getting pushed from everywhere and then Iād turn around and someone else would push me and everyone there just wanted to fight and some senior group was around me and my friend and they kept pushing us specifically and one grabbed my friend and threw her on me and someone just took my bag and idek launched it to the ceiling and I wasnāt trying to move at all but everyone was everywhere and I was getting thrown on the floor or pushed in different directions and then I saw someone coming down from third floor and they started recording and I tried to cover my face-
it went on for so long. I was late to math- a bunch of people got hurt. I wouldāve just taken the other stairs if I knew but tbh I sort of did because the doors are see through but I didnāt know it was that bad at all Ā
im gonna get off cups for the- school day xD Iāll be on after probably. byebye.Ā
6:49am. nvm im backĀ
i calculated this yesterday xD
I leave at 7:15 :ā) I get there by 7:16. I get to second floor by 7:19. I hide until 7:40 and then I go to my lead class. (5 minutes before the national anthem goes Ā off - 7:45- because after national anthem youāre late)
6:54. that took me 5 minutes because I kept zoning out-
6:56 I got distracted.Ā
I donāt have anything else to do. I wake up insanely early because I hate rushing and I like making sure I have everything and I got everything I need and Iām ready and I like taking my time. itās just a lot less stressful.
7:00am.Ā
7:01am
Iām not gonna look at the time anymore-Ā
byebye
you know before with the guy that was being targeted I felt bad but he genuinely seemed like he didnāt careĀ
but now I feel really really really bad :ā) to the point where I was thinking of like giving him a note being all like youāre really smart donāt let them get to you etc etc
heās actually a lot smarter than I thought he was. he knows so much my brain could never know all of that at the same time or understand it eitherĀ
i had my bag searched. because they thought I stole something from him but seriously why me I didnāt do anything I sit close to him but not that close Iām the nicest to him I donāt laugh at everything he says or does and there were so many other people that wouldāve definitely done it. and you know it was my IT teacher he wanted to get my hoy to search my bag like I swear I was so mad but hurt bro I thought you liked me. I was gonna do great things and ***. and ofc it wasnāt me they found out who it was. they started with my bag and went aroundĀ
lol Iām gonna stop- Iāll stop.Ā
okay wait.Ā
today :ā)Ā
english was sad and lonely. arabic I ran out of the class. I kept trying to ask the teacher for help because she said if you donāt understand a question donāt just sit there raise your hand and ask me, and I did and she yelled at me to read the question and answer it itās easy. so I spent the rest of that lesson trying to and break started and she wouldnāt let anyone that didnāt finish their work go. but thatās not fair and she doesnāt have the right to, a class came and the teacher was like give us 2 minutes and she told us weāre all gonna walk out together and continue doing the work somewhere. I just got my bag and ran out while she wasnāt looking. and some other people did too. Iām just like not today Iām not doing this today itās my *** break it goes by instantly and Iād rather not suffer with her.Ā
IT was a baseline test paused with the incident thing
science was lonely.
math was literally miserable *** shoot me miserable not the subject the people and the feeling I felt so horrible thereĀ
history was sad but more like I just want to get this over with. I kept checking the time it was passing so slow. teacher accidentally played an inappropriate video. we were put into a new seating plan and Iām close to someone I wonāt talk about but I just really didnāt want to sit close to them they were the first person I thought about when the teacher started putting us in a seating plan I was just hoping weād be on opposite sides of the room
im trying to think about some good stuff that happened today. but I havenāt even mentioned any of the bad stuff.Ā
it felt sort of good running away from arabic, andā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦.oh *** I donāt know :ā) thatās good enough. yeah it is :3
and now I donāt want to. Iām gonna go do something to distract myself. activity over negativity *cool emoji* /j/j/j/j
byebye.Ā
Try to move around the room or the space you're in now for a bit.(: It may give you energy.
@Katharsis22
ouh hi. I donāt know i was just mentally tired at the time and I was trying to rest, itās how I get my energy back up <3 school is so draining. but thankyou :)Ā
School work and such can be tiring, yes.(': Take a short a break to rest.(:
@Katharsis22
mhm I just woke up from a good nap lol, I feel better. thankyou for being hereš¤
4am friday. last day of the week and then itād be 0.5/10 months covered.Ā