in the wonders of my mind💗.

_{so when I posted that someone rang the doorbell and I sent it and went to look for my brother to tell him to open the door so now I’m still awake :’)  I had to sit with the guests and I was so tired I didn’t even look at anyone I just sat there and I could barely keep my eyes open they were all talking and now I just got up and left I’m so tired. I’m still really sleepy but it’s 2:10pm (today was a half day at school) and I’m just gonna yap about some stuff that happened today :>} 

_{I got invited to someone’s house, it’s just me that’s coming though. in year 7 she said she’d find a day for me to come over and 2 years later we never fulfilled those plans and we remembered that on monday and today she was like wait are you free today and apparently she was ready to have me over and I was like aw I don’t know my dads number because she was gonna make me call him and she said tomorrow she’s got swimming lessons after tomorrow she’s visiting her friend in the hospital so I just said next friday (shes said before that Fridays are when she normally has play dates but she doesn’t have any next friday). and I actually think my dads gonna agree because lately he’s just wanted me out of the house and specifically out with my friends because he’s embarrassed about me or something idk. and she asked if I’m okay with being in someone else’s car because some parents aren’t okay with that and I said yeah of course and then we were just going yaayyy we’re finally putting our 2 year plan into action} 

_{first period I had french and it was pretty ..normal. :p we’re put in a boy girl seating plan and I sit next to this guy that’s in my old lead and we actually talked today so at least he’ll actually talk to me like a normal person} 

_{second period was islamic it was fun I’m in a table with 3 of my friends and we wouldn’t stop laughing. and today we didn’t do much but if we did we finished everything early so we got a lot of free time} 

_{third period was music. we’re working with a new instrument I forgot the name of- it’s this long pole thing it has a hole through it and apparently the different colors make different sounds, the teacher put on videos and when the character in the video jumps on your color you hit the pole thing on the table and the teacher said we’re doing it as a class so we need to have trust in each other to make it as accurate as possible and work together etc and yeah our class wasn’t very trustworthy. everyone was just banging both of theirs (we got 2 each with different colors) so hard and not on their part at all of course when you hit it so hard it’s so loud and my friend said it sounds like actual fireworks to your ears and it did and after a while the teacher made everyone stop and by then my head hurt and my ears were blocked and …fuzzy if that makes sense? I’m gonna invent new terms atp. but yeah and my friend had a bad headache and some people were asking other like are you okay are you okay it was so bad, and for some reason the teacher I guess believed in us too much and put 4 more videos and everyone was just going all in}  

_{okie I just searched pole instrument colors and they’re called boomwhackers. also I found the channel the teacher was putting on the videos from :0 and I found the first video we did https://youtu.be/qhJnIF8GHnw I didn’t even know it sounded like that at all till I found it} 

_{fourth period was english 2 guys had a fight over a water bottle so the teacher punished everyone by making everyone stand up so she can put us in a boy girl seating plan except I was the only one that was put in a table with all boys they were talking about *** dolphins well actually the convo started with a guy asking would you *** a dolphin and then they started talking about other stuff. yeah I don’t like the seating plan} 

_{then that’s when I stayed with the girl after school and she invited me to her house. and at the beginning of the school day one of my other friends ran up to me before I walked in class and we talked then and F came back to school she dyed the bottom of her hair pink it looks so good and we talked too :3 yeah I’m really sleepy goodnight <3}

_{i know it sounds like I’m bragging and tbh I don’t know if I am, I used to come home and tell my brother about that one interaction I had and I’d be so happy about it and he’d just think I’m weird but I’m pretty sure that’s all that’s happening as in I’m really happy that I’m- happy and I’m happy for myself because I’m happy and I haven’t been happy in a while and even if I know it’s temporary it’s still a lot to me and I think I’m gonna let myself be happy while I’m happy xD I need a dictionary for the things I say. but yeah I’m talking about my day and not thinking about any of the bad stuff too much because tbh, I’ve had a lot of bad stuff too xD and it’s okay tho xD because I’m having happy moments and good parts of my day that I can talk about now and it means a lot to me. anywho enough blabber goodnight <3}

_{I got woken up at 9am today. my cousins back so the whole family’s meeting at my uncles house because my uncles gonna travel today too (for work)}

_{i dont want to see anyone :’) or talk or smile or anything I just really wanted to sleep and rest this weekend and not talk to anyone i just woke up and got yelled at to change when no one else was even up or ready and now I’m completely ready and no one else is} 

_{also yesterday I was getting yelled at for something I didn’t do and I was just trying to help and I got yelled at and basically told I wasn’t raised properly but I don’t even know who raised me so yeah you got a point there. and I just yelled that I’m so *** tired and they started making fun of me} 

_{so that was nice. anywho now it’s 10:32am I’m gonna leave my room so everyone can see that I’m ready at least they have cats I’m gonna see friska and prince :’) I’ll just sit with them as long as I can} 

@iloveyouxx You deserve better than that...

@slowdecline48

thank you 🤍 feel like it’s not getting any better but I’m trying to survive what I’m going through right now 

_{on our way my brother said that my cousins husband is gonna be there (he’s her fiance until december but yk-) I’ve never met him irl but I’ve seen like 60 something photos from the day they got engaged and I’ve had one phone call with him because my cousin was talking to me and calling him on speaker so he started talking to me.} 

_{and it’s never personal I just really didn’t want to meet new people and in the photos he has this whole big family and what if I have to meet them but- he didn’t show up. he had work to take care of} 

_{but my cousin showed up :’) and my aunt and 3 other cousins and my uncle and second aunt and my third uncle my grandparents came with us and my dad and brother and it was just a bunch of people I didn’t want to be sitting with} 

_{a long time ago one of my cousins was annoying me and I didn’t want to say they were my least so I said they’d be my second least favorite cousin but I don’t actually rank them and he said that he annoys me so much that whoever’s the least must be absolutely horrible as in they must’ve done something to me and they keep bringing it up and I keep saying I was joking and that I just said that but I don’t actually rank them and this whole time he kept saying it was the cousin that came back that we all came for and I keep saying it’s no one and I love all my cousins} 

_{and he brought it up today but long story short the cousin came and he told him as if I actually said he was my least favorite and later that first cousin was like so (London cousins name) one of us is (nadia)’s least favorite cousin. and then the london cousin I’m gonna call him a and he went I wouldn’t mind I mean I’ve been in london so you know far from the heart (or something like that I didn’t hear well)}

 _:’) 

_{I would never rank my cousins. I can’t even imagine what I’d make it honestly but the reasons I didn’t want to see the london cousin are a lot but he’s not my least favorite cousin I just don’t like him. he’s the same cousin I found *** of when I was 8. the same cousin that dared me to do inappropriate things when I was too young to understand the same cousin that was the best at invalidating you no matter what you said at all tell him you’re stressed he’ll literally laugh because what do you got to be stressed about and if I told him I was getting bullied he’d just be like all kids joke like that like I can’t take a joke, I didn’t actually tell him I was getting bullied I told him about a specific girl that used to bully me. he made my ed worse, and then in front of everyone else he’d be the nicest person that’s what hurt it hurt more than anything else he’s done idk he made me feel so weak} 

_{he’s got 10 more years of idk before he starts working as a surgeon and he’s not staying a long time so} 

_:> 

_{on the less depressing side :D I found this like music video from my school youtube it’s so funny xD but I’m multitasking and I keep worrying that this whole thing is gonna get deleted so I’ll find it later and I can’t put it here but I’ll describe it xD bybye. <3}

_{1:13am. I feel horrible. I just finished getting everything done as in everything I could ever need to get done and I’m gonna need to go out again tomorrow..or today- to get the school pe leggings because part of the second assembly was about what we can’t wear in pe and for most of year 7 and all of year 8 I wore shorts that weren’t actually the schools (and no one ever noticed) and leggings under that weren’t the schools either but we’re not allowed to wear even the school leggings under the school scort because- literally no reason i don’t even know it can’t be anything to do with standards this time but oh well I guess :’)} 

_{I have pe on mondays and tuesdays this year with my year 7 pe teacher. she hated me so much nothing made her more angry than having to see my face almost everyday. I didn’t even know she was still in the school.} 

….. :’) I’m really scared. of growing up and stuff. I’m scared I’m wasting my time like every day but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do I’m not even happy I’m just so tired everyday and yeah I’ve had a couple of good days last week but I kept thinking about a scenario where my friend died and I started thinking it was real and I started crying because "I don’t think I’ll ever be able to make any friend ever again" and I ended up falling asleep while I was crying (it’s probably just me but I’ve always noticed that- when I cry really hard I get sleepy idk if that’s a thing) and dreamt about everything 

and I keep thinking about stuff that’s happened and I don’t really want to talk about it because idk maybe that’ll make me think of it more but I don’t think I’ll ever actually be happy. idk. I don’t even know if I can graduate. but even if I do then what when does it actually get better I want to forget so bad I want to forget everything that’s ever happened to me even the good stuff I just want to forget I want to forget everything 

I can’t stop thinking about stuff and I’m trying to think about something else at the same time so that its not the main thing I’m thinking about and it’s just a background voice like this happened this happened this happened this happened I don’t want to listen 

I want to forget so bad. october 29 2021 I looked up how to lose your memory. I didn’t actually expect to find anything and that day I attempted I tried to commit and it turned into an attempt 

whys everything so loud now :’) I just want everything to pause. or something. I don’t feel like I’m breathing I’m trying breathing techniques the air feels so limited 

I don’t want to di.e. I want to rest I want everything to stop 

.

I don’t want to exist anymore. I was supposed to be positive I’m sorry :’) I don’t know I’m trying <3

…………………………..

I feel so dead. I’m just gonna go close my eyes for a while again  

TW//umm…yeah just tw😅🤍

good morning

._. *flop*

I woke up early on my own today- my dad took my device but forgot to lock the door so I just took it- 

I had a really long dream. I feel like I should know what happened but I barely remember anything 

also I’m really really hungry I can’t find the gum :')

_{so. I’m insanely stressed out. I feel like I don’t even have time to talk about it because I’m so busy being stressed out and until it passes I don’t think I’ll let myself think of anything else} 

I’ve been overeating. well I counted the calories- 519. which is so horrible and ew and I feel ew I hate myself so much for that I feel sick but I’ve been sick on and off for a while now 

519 calories is a lot for me but everyone’s different and I know it’s just my mindset but that’s not actually gonna stop me. (and the feeling sick part might just be because of what I’m used to? idk.) 

I feel so wrong again like what is even happening and why am I alive and you know when you look at those illusion videos and then look away from the screen depending on the illusion everything’s gonna look different in some way and I’m looking around and everything’s closing in or like when you look from one place to another it’s blurry and slow I don’t even know and I’ve been seeing stuff from when I’m not focusing on it and then I do and nothings there and I keep blacking out. my ears still ring sometimes but now it feels more there than ever I feel like it’s coming from the- left. I don’t know where from the left it’s just there. 

honestly when I found out your ears ringing wasn’t just an anxiety thing I couldn’t stop thinking about it :’) I looked up the reasons or causes

hearing loss- I know if someone doesn’t hear well they probably wouldn’t know because they don’t know what it’s like to hear well but I’m really sure that I have good hearing ;-; meniere’s disease (I don’t know what that is) ear wax build up i highly doubt. temporomandibular joint dysfunction I don’t know what that is either :’)? injury or trauma, chronic condition, blood vessel, loud noises (maybe? but it can’t be because not all the time and I don’t think it would lead to my ears ringing for so long), cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure, brain tumors, diabetes (I saw this one and like :’) what if I have diabetes :’) but idk. what if I have any of these. I doubt every single one I don’t know) allergies, head injuries (still had my ears ring before) depression (it’s rare and it’s called pulsatile tinnitus where the sound beats in sync with your heart) 

I read 40 different causes and severe anxiety actually can make your ears ring "Ringing in the ears (tinnitus) is a common sign and symptom of anxiety disorder, anxiety and panic attacks, and chronic stress (hyperstimulation)."

im good with the hyperstimulation im gonna stop looking 

im tired I’m gonna go :’) byebye. <3

_{7:14pm. I didn’t sleep after school I was just too tired to come on}

_{I’m still too tired to talk about my day so :’) maybel I’ll skip talking about today.} 

_{we’re not even halfway through the week.} 

_{I’m so *** tired}

_{we’re not even a month in. we’re not even 2 weeks in. I’m so *** done and then today I saw this video of a guy talking a lot about how life is so short and we care about things that don’t actually matt.er at all and how we’re all just individuals in a single city/(state) in a single country in a single continent in a single planet in a galaxy among trillions of other galaxies}

_like

_{im so *** insi.gnificant, I mean they said that too but not in a bad way I’m literally nothing and he said that when we think about that we should think about how small our prob.lems actually are (the video was about how to stop caring too much)} 

_{I hate thinking about how short life is because I’m just I’m not doing anything and I have nothing to do to make my life any more mea.ningful we’re all gonna be buri.ed or idk se.t on fire or something and all our memories and everything that’s ever happened to us is just de.ad with us I want to be a senior but I can’t picture myself as one and also if I’m a senior that means I have 3 years left of school and my grades suck now I’ve tried everything really it’s hopel.ess for me. and to be honest I don’t even want to be a psychologist or anything at all I don’t want to work or go to school but like no one does unless you do-. and um. I wish I could sleep :’) I haven’t woken up once at a time I wanted to since school started my sleeps so *** up}

_{i feel like everyone’s judging me all the *** time like stop please stop it’s not even weird it’s just when people excessively stare it makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me} 

_{i feel like I keep waiting for another year to start or something specific to happen but it never actually changes much I swear I just wanna cry I’ve been crying in my head I can’t even cry I’m trying not to cry so much this year well um mornings don’t count I hate school mornings} 

_{literally ***. I’m so d.one with everything I’m so do.ne I don’t even wann.a be here. I’m ugly I’m *** I’m worth.less no one likes having me around I don’t know why I was bo.rn I want to pa.ss my soul onto a plastic bag thinking about myself is ew.}

_{i know it’ll ne.ver get better and I don’t care I don’t I just want everything to st.op I want to clos.e my eyes one more time. I don’t want to d.ie.}

no one cares when you’re actually hurting what if I kept the text black I was like if no one likes me then, no one likes me-. but if no one likes me I’ll get all dramatic in my head because- no one likes me. 

I try to be liked but I don’t even think I’m being disloyal to myself. I don’t know who my authentic self is. I just know me around different people 

my dad went out idk with his friends I guess.

everyone keeps annoying me. annoying me as in making me feel like *** I genuinely feel so weak and tired 

powerless.

I thought i was gonna faint today. 

I just don’t want to I don’t want to anymore any of this I just want to st.op

i know I was happy idk when and I’m switching a lot now but I’m just trying and some days are harder than other and.. “it’s okay” I guess :’) someone keeps annoying me about being on a device- it’s my device and screen time and I’m wasting my time being pathetic it doesn’t affect you :’) and they’re like mmmm…have you got school tomorrow.. and I know they know I do the fact they’re making me think about it doesn’t make me feel bad for being up it just makes me feel bad because I’ve got school tomorrow. oh wait I wasn’t supposed to be depressing here xD um- whoops. :p I’ll go now just until they leave but I’ll be back :p * poof*

_{5:03 am}

_5:36am 

_{I managed to wake up before 4am today. from 1am till then I was just closing my eyes getting up scared and checking the time over and over again and I was fully awake from 3 something}

_{it’s so peaceful. I need to not sleep more often. /hj}

_{It actually is really calm tho. without me already feeling like me this is what I meant I just want everything to go quiet and stop for a while so- for a while I can breathe.} 

_{I was thinking should I go out on the balcony, because the sky’s beautiful and the weathers nice} 

_{but- I’m good here.}

…

_{so todays gonna be fun. look at all those subjects I don’t want to be in :0!}

_{I feel sick :’) physically. psychically sick xD} 

_{I’ve been sick on and off since school started- mostly on/j} 

_{oh yeah. I can’t really explain how um- idk- it got. but on tuesday between break and math it got so crowded all around the big staircase around like outside the 2 doors leading to it and mostly all the way down the stairs and not too many up}

_{it was so crowded as in. I kept getting pushed from everywhere and then I’d turn around and someone else would push me and everyone there just wanted to fight and some senior group was around me and my friend and they kept pushing us specifically and one grabbed my friend and threw her on me and someone just took my bag and idek launched it to the ceiling and I wasn’t trying to move at all but everyone was everywhere and I was getting thrown on the floor or pushed in different directions and then I saw someone coming down from third floor and they started recording and I tried to cover my face-}

_{it went on for so long. I was late to math- a bunch of people got hurt. I would’ve just taken the other stairs if I knew but tbh I sort of did because the doors are see through but I didn’t know it was that bad at all}  

_{im gonna get off cups for the- school day xD I’ll be on after probably. byebye.} 

_{6:49am. nvm im back} 

_{i calculated this yesterday xD}

_{I leave at 7:15 :’) I get there by 7:16. I get to second floor by 7:19. I hide until 7:40 and then I go to my lead class. (5 minutes before the national anthem goes  off - 7:45- because after national anthem you’re late)}

_{6:54. that took me 5 minutes because I kept zoning out-}

_{6:56 I got distracted.} 

_{I don’t have anything else to do. I wake up insanely early because I hate rushing and I like making sure I have everything and I got everything I need and I’m ready and I like taking my time. it’s just a lot less stressful.}

_7:00am. 

_7:01am

_{I’m not gonna look at the time anymore-} 

_byebye

_{7:26am. hiding.}

_{I’m hiding until I don’t have the option to anymore}

_7:27

_7:28

_{I’m so tired. again.} 

_{I feel insanely alone.} 

_{I’m officially halfway through the week now :’) yayyyy… :p}

_{I’m gonna fail my math baseline I want to be in the lowest set} 

_brb

_{you know before with the guy that was being targeted I felt bad but he genuinely seemed like he didn’t care} 

_{but now I feel really really really bad :’) to the point where I was thinking of like giving him a note being all like you’re really smart don’t let them get to you etc etc}

_{he’s actually a lot smarter than I thought he was. he knows so much my brain could never know all of that at the same time or understand it either} 

_{i had my bag searched. because they thought I stole something from him but seriously why me I didn’t do anything I sit close to him but not that close I’m the nicest to him I don’t laugh at everything he says or does and there were so many other people that would’ve definitely done it. and you know it was my IT teacher he wanted to get my hoy to search my bag like I swear I was so mad but hurt bro I thought you liked me. I was gonna do great things and ***. and ofc it wasn’t me they found out who it was. they started with my bag and went around} 

_{lol I’m gonna stop- I’ll stop.} 

_{okay wait.} 

_{today :’)} 

_{english was sad and lonely. arabic I ran out of the class. I kept trying to ask the teacher for help because she said if you don’t understand a question don’t just sit there raise your hand and ask me, and I did and she yelled at me to read the question and answer it it’s easy. so I spent the rest of that lesson trying to and break started and she wouldn’t let anyone that didn’t finish their work go. but that’s not fair and she doesn’t have the right to, a class came and the teacher was like give us 2 minutes and she told us we’re all gonna walk out together and continue doing the work somewhere. I just got my bag and ran out while she wasn’t looking. and some other people did too. I’m just like not today I’m not doing this today it’s my *** break it goes by instantly and I’d rather not suffer with her.} 

_{IT was a baseline test paused with the incident thing}

_{science was lonely.}

_{math was literally miserable *** shoot me miserable not the subject the people and the feeling I felt so horrible there} 

_{history was sad but more like I just want to get this over with. I kept checking the time it was passing so slow. teacher accidentally played an inappropriate video. we were put into a new seating plan and I’m close to someone I won’t talk about but I just really didn’t want to sit close to them they were the first person I thought about when the teacher started putting us in a seating plan I was just hoping we’d be on opposite sides of the room}

_{im trying to think about some good stuff that happened today. but I haven’t even mentioned any of the bad stuff.} 

_{it felt sort of good running away from arabic, and………….oh *** I don’t know :’) that’s good enough. yeah it is :3}

_{and now I don’t want to. I’m gonna go do something to distract myself. activity over negativity *cool emoji* /j/j/j/j}

_byebye. 

tired.

Try to move around the room or the space you're in now for a bit.(: It may give you energy.

@Katharsis22

ouh hi. I don’t know i was just mentally tired at the time and I was trying to rest, it’s how I get my energy back up <3 school is so draining. but thankyou :) 

School work and such can be tiring, yes.(': Take a short a break to rest.(:

@Katharsis22

mhm I just woke up from a good nap lol, I feel better. thankyou for being here🤍

Good to hear. No need to thank me.👍

_{4am friday. last day of the week and then it’d be 0.5/10 months covered.}