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gonna jump on the diary train
if anyone wants to reply, they may. i'd love support. i'm more open on the internet than in real life. perhaps i'll find a friend.
this is just my spot to complain or rant about stuff, especially the little things i wouldn't go to a listener for. this is a place where if people choose to care, they can, but no one has to listen
and i guess i could come back to this or something and look back on my thoughts
@sensibleStrawberries9877 if your brother's in the police it also helps
@sensibleStrawberries9877
lmao, thanks! luckily i think i have put him at bay, as i have a new crush and he knows. my brother actually has dreams of being a cranberry farmer because of the money. a cranberry farmer. love that kid
@Jisola I crush on myself everyday
But then I realise I left high school years ago
And I am part of several feminazi groups so it's not a good look
@sensibleStrawberries9877 hahaha!
@Jisola
Might I say how even though it might not be meaningfully contributing given how this was posted in a recent past, I like the phrase and idea of a 'Platonic date'.
@Modal0154
Me too! I wish platonic dates were a thing!
@Jisola
Ah, Okay, I was under the impression that the hadn't given him any signal/s yet.
If you want to date him, but it just be as friends then you should be upfront about it and let him know, you just want to go as that, as friends, and nothing more.
march break is coming up. Was supposed to be only a week. I can handle a week.
But because of the fucking coronavirus they're closing school for 2 more weeks after that.
i would rather get the virus. I'm not immunocompromised, there's only like a 5% death rate, and it's mostly among elderly people, i'm not in asia, i'd probably be fine. yeah, i know it can lead to pneumonia and stuff. i know it sucks. i've had pneumonia before. but in most cases the worst i'd get is a fever. I'm not scared. The virus doesn't worry me.
I just don't want to be away from school that long.
i probably could use a break for mental health, but i'd rather not. this will only make me more lonely and closed off. when i don't feel like doing anything, i have no choice but to go to school which keeps me busy and forces me to do stuff. and being depressed at school and being forced to do stuff is better than staring at the wall for five hours at home.
as much as i hate routine sometimes, it kind of helps to stick to one.
not to mention my friends. i'll miss them all so much.
i don't fucking wanna wait 3 weeks to get back to school
i'm hiding in my room because i'm shy and sad and salty and my brother is being annoying and i really wanna go downstairs but he's not going to bed for 15 minutes
i'm hungryyyyyyyyy
as of next week my father has to work from home. usually he's 4 hours away 5 days a week but he comes home tonight and he'll be here the whole time. my mom has told him he's not allowed to pick on me or say anything about being grateful or positive thinking (he thinks he's helping with my depression, he's not.) but he doesn't care. she's told him that plenty of times and he always brings it up again. it only makes it worse. he only focuses on what i do wrong. its been like that for so long that it's hard to believe something is not my fault. he thinks that's just from my mental issues, but i've recognized that parts of it came from him. he'll point out something i've done and i've learned to just assume i wasn't supposed to. he tells me i'm being dramatic. i tell him how hard it is to believe something isn't my fault. he gets mad. or i'll have an anxiety attack in the grocery store or something and he tells me to get over it. like i get it, you don't know what mental illness is like (he's never had to deal with it) but I would've thought you'd be more educated after living with people with mental issues. my mother has depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder, and i have depression, anxiety and ADHD. my brother has ADHD and will probably get depression and anxiety in the future (it's common in ADHD brains and my mother's side of the family also has a long history of mental disorders.) i'm just glad i'll be able to be here for him. my father won't do him any good. i'm worried about his future. i don't want my father to come home for that long. he'll be working at the kitchen table and I'll be starving in my room from trying to avoid him. once i shut myself in and he brought up a nutella sandwich and some cheese strings. maybe if i do that, he'll bring me food again and I won't have to go downstairs and deal with him for long. i might have to. i haven't had to deal with him being home for more than 3 days at a time for years. and that was back when he would scream and grab my face and terrify me and compare me to my younger brother. he's gotten better and he's never physical anymore, but now he's still extremely critical of everything and it honestly is just as bad. he's always in a bad mood and when he does, he takes it out on his family. not his friends, not his coworkers, not random strangers, not clients, only his family. just because he married one of us and is a father to the others, does not give him a pass to pick on us all the time. i would honestly prefer he just not talk to me at all.
so my best friend (used to be very toxic, she changed and i let her back in) was texting me about how she wanted to kiss this guy in a movie.
i told her, "what's the deal with kissing anyway i don't get it?" Because i am not interested in kissing and i wanted to know why other people are. I just wanted her insight. Her opinion. A different perspective. Nope. She said "everyone wants to kiss someone at some point."
What i said in return is "no, i really don't see the deal with kissing, i don't think it is my thing." She said i was taking it way too seriously, but actually, i was very hurt by her comment about 'everyone wanting it at some point'.
I told her i was sorry but also expressed that it bothered me how she said that.
"It's true though," she replied, "ur really frustrating me."
I'm sorry to frustrate her but its not true and it's making me feel like there's something wrong with me and she cant just say something like that and assume it applies to everyone.
she told me that she doesnt think something is wrong with me and told me to not even dare to say that. its not that i think she thinks there's something wrong with me. it's that when i hear things like that it makes ME think theres something wrong with me.
I told her this. She told me to think about what theyre saying. I dont know what the hell that is supposed to mean but i don't like it.
I am truly sorry i'm frustrating her. I dont want to stress anyone out. But i'm also stressed and hurting and she seems to be ignoring the fact that she really hurt me and is blaming it all on me for 'taking things too seriously'. She used to do that ALL the time. This is scarily familiar. It's like it's all going to happen again. I'm getting more anxious by the second. Is she going back to her old ways? Is there actually something wrong with me? I really don't need another reason to hate myself.
oh my god its 4 am and i have been up awkwardly flirting with this girl on instagram for literally 6 hours straight she's so precious and so sweet and so cute and i already would die for her and i wanna hug her so bad
we're pretend cuddling in a hypothetical broken elevator and losing oxygen and im ok with it because we're together and us cute dumbasses can survive on cheesy jokes and cuddles alone
oh my god i really like her
My dad just came in and asked me why i don't sleep anymore.
I know he won't understand so I told him it's hard to explain. He says he doesnt need an explanation. Dude, then why did you ask me why i dont sleep anymore?
the reason i don't sleep anymore is because I feel dead very often in the daytime, but more alive at night. During the day, my depression skyrockets along with my boredom and anxiety. During the day, I don't wanna do anything, I just wanna sleep. And be swallowed up into the floor. "Starting my day" as my dad often encourages me to do is a huge drag and i would rather not "start my day" at all thanks. I want to skip today. And tomorrow. And the rest of the fucking month. Then i started staying up later than usual (my usual bedtime was midnight) and noticed that it's really not so bad at night.
i feel so much more energized and happy and alive at night. i don't know why. Is it the peace in the house? Is it the fact i'm the only one still awake? I don't know. But it's really not so hard to deal with evreything at night. It doesn't matter whether I'm sleeping or not. I'm just, surprisingly, okay at night. Happy, even. I can do stuff and enjoy it. Of course, there's the depressive episode once in a while where i feel like this 24/7 and i have to deal with the shitty feelings at night too, but usually I'm fine at night.
So I've adapted to this. I've become nocturnal. I stay awake at the time I want to be awake and sleep when I don't, so I can be ok more of the time. My new bedtime is around 7 am and I wake up at like, 2pm to 5pm. I'm quarantined, i don't have to go to school, i have no where else to go, so this fits perfectly. I'll take advantage of that.
Long story short, I feel dead in the day and alive at night, so I sleep when I don't want to be awake. But I know he wouldn't understand that, he's never understood my problems. I had an anxiety attack in the grocery store and he told me to get over it. He tells me to just think positive and my depression will be fixed. He doesnt fucking get it.
I'm just a fucking nuisance to him. I try my best to be quiet because he's a really light sleeper, I really do. I'm really sorry for waking him up. I don't want to bother him. I do feel really bad about it. But if i told him why, he'd just think i was being edgy and dramatic, saying stuff like "I feel dead."
There are people who hate that kind of stuff and scoff at anyone who has mental issues. My vice principal actually rolls his eyes and sighs whenever he hears the word "anxiety". I had a panic attack in front of him and he blamed me and acted like I was faking for attention and sent me to the office. The principal tried to calm me down, but the VP was in the room and I could see him glaring at me like he wanted to punch me in the face.
My best friend once went to the guidance counsellor to calm down a bit, and the VP comes in with a bunch of teachers and tells her to go to the office. Just because she needed a bit of help from the counsellor. She did nothing wrong, she was just having some personal problems and she felt a little uneasy. She told him she was just having anxiety. Cue sigh and eye roll.
This was the same day I was in the office getting a late slip and apologizing to him for accidentally skipping half of my second class because i got confused and thought it was lunch. (I mixed up the days and went to eat pretzels and watch youtube when I was supposed to be in English. I eat lunch in a dark hallway usually, so I didnt know that no one was out in the halls. I had my headphones on, so I didn't realize how quiet it was. I only realized when i saw the time.) I also found out that when I left the office, he talked shit about me behind my back to other teachers about it, since my best friend was still in the office after i left.
Her geography teacher is also sexist, racist and disgusting. He openly expressed that he doesnt trust black people, refers to everyone in his class as "whites" or "blacks", and calls Mexicans immigrants. He showed a picture on a slideshow of a girl running and said "huh, a girl running, that's new."
He also refused to let one of my other friends go get a drink from the water fountain. The girl sitting next to her offered her a drink from her waterbottle, which my friend politely declined. The teacher heard. He started yelling at and scolding her for declining the water. As if she didnt have the right to politely decline. Sure, it was a kind gesture, but she's not obligated to accept. So the teacher picks up the other girl's waterbottle and LITERALLY LICKS IT. FUCKING DISGUSTING. "NOW do you want a drink from it? No? Thats what I thought." Bitch, thats a student's waterbottle, keep your gross tongue off. Istg i don't know how he hasnt been fired yet.
@Jisola
Hmm, it gets worse in the day?; Try this, if you use a tablet or sit by a TV .. anything like a cell phone, if your on the phone talking a lot, trying putting it on speaker, if that is not an oopiton then use headphones, make sure that they are not BlueTooth etc, no wireless ones, like airbuds.. or whatever they're called...
So the reaosn is, more and more anyway, it all started back in think 1992 mainly, and then it crops up again here and there like in 2011 and 2015 and 2018 now 2019 and I am sure this year as well.. MORE.. and more.., more people are finding out that Cell's Tv's Screen etc, anything, A N Y T H I N G.. that can or carries an RF.. Signal.. is emmitting radiation that well has been being covered up by media corps buziness etc evne gov becuause there wasn't much proof at first, and also it will do major damage to how we all live and the well, devices we use, etc.. EMF, Electric Magnetic Feild .. is what it is, even ELF, Electric low ferquancy.. or something, it can also have ill effct, but both of them can take quite some time before doing any real damage, but again, it only took the EMF, to do damage that is right next to a catscan.. they can literally see the DNA unravel in both cases, like there is imagary of both, and it shows the dna strand tailing off.. so...
Just saying might be worth it to try that, staying away from TV's.. like as long as you are 5 to more feet away.
tin the video they found that if you stay away 4 feet it is 4 times less likely to effct said person so on.
So like I said just maybe give that a try,
Ph almost forgot, your phone must be in Airplane mode, why?; This is because it turns off.. ALL~ wireless capabilities,
If you have doubt there is a legal area that even states that all cellphones are way about the accpetable limits of RF or EMF for anyone, it's even worse for babies etc because they're heads are small. So the emmitting range is the same but since a babies skull etc head is not the same size~ as an adults.
Again I there are videos on YouTube explaining all this I'll get the link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?reload=9&v=BwyDCHf5iCY
That's the women who has found most of this and she is stil~ going.
So again you must keep any wifi, or wireless capabilities OFF. if iInfared is on that can have an effect as well.
Not sure how much but could be silghtly IDK.
since I use a pc and I use a what 40" tv as a monitor.. yeah I started to dinstance myself and my head has been feeling much better.
So I know it is what's causing my migranges etc. headache.
I know, this is a lot to read, but hey least you can do is check the link out, see if any of it you know meshs with what you may notice, like oh hey yeah my head hurts or I feel etc when I do this the most, liek watching TV or a video on YT with said phone etc close to me..
Oh yah, wireless.. so if your on YT watching videos it is okay to hold it away from you about a foot?; I think it said, at least it is lessened at that and the further away it is the less it effects said person using it.
So maybe get something that you can hold it away from you, while watching.
My dad just came in and asked me why i don't sleep anymore.
I know he won't understand so I told him it's hard to explain. He says he doesnt need an explanation. Dude, then why did you ask me why i dont sleep anymore?
the reason i don't sleep anymore is because I feel dead very often in the daytime, but more alive at night. During the day, my depression skyrockets along with my boredom and anxiety. During the day, I don't wanna do anything, I just wanna sleep. And be swallowed up into the floor. "Starting my day" as my dad often encourages me to do is a huge drag and i would rather not "start my day" at all thanks. I want to skip today. And tomorrow. And the rest of the fucking month. Then i started staying up later than usual (my usual bedtime was midnight) and noticed that it's really not so bad at night.
i feel so much more energized and happy and alive at night. i don't know why. Is it the peace in the house? Is it the fact i'm the only one still awake? I don't know. But it's really not so hard to deal with evreything at night. It doesn't matter whether I'm sleeping or not. I'm just, surprisingly, okay at night. Happy, even. I can do stuff and enjoy it. Of course, there's the depressive episode once in a while where i feel like this 24/7 and i have to deal with the shitty feelings at night too, but usually I'm fine at night.
So I've adapted to this. I've become nocturnal. I stay awake at the time I want to be awake and sleep when I don't, so I can be ok more of the time. My new bedtime is around 7 am and I wake up at like, 2pm to 5pm. I'm quarantined, i don't have to go to school, i have no where else to go, so this fits perfectly. I'll take advantage of that.
Long story short, I feel dead in the day and alive at night, so I sleep when I don't want to be awake. But I know he wouldn't understand that, he's never understood my problems. I had an anxiety attack in the grocery store and he told me to get over it. He tells me to just think positive and my depression will be fixed. He doesnt fucking get it.
I'm just a fucking nuisance to him. I try my best to be quiet because he's a really light sleeper, I really do. I'm really sorry for waking him up. I don't want to bother him. I do feel really bad about it. But if i told him why, he'd just think i was being edgy and dramatic, saying stuff like "I feel dead."
There are people who hate that kind of stuff and scoff at anyone who has mental issues. My vice principal actually rolls his eyes and sighs whenever he hears the word "anxiety". I had a panic attack in front of him and he blamed me and acted like I was faking for attention and sent me to the office. The principal tried to calm me down, but the VP was in the room and I could see him glaring at me like he wanted to punch me in the face.
My best friend once went to the guidance counsellor to calm down a bit, and the VP comes in with a bunch of teachers and tells her to go to the office. Just because she needed a bit of help from the counsellor. She did nothing wrong, she was just having some personal problems and she felt a little uneasy. She told him she was just having anxiety. Cue sigh and eye roll.
This was the same day I was in the office getting a late slip and apologizing to him for accidentally skipping half of my second class because i got confused and thought it was lunch. (I mixed up the days and went to eat pretzels and watch youtube when I was supposed to be in English. I eat lunch in a dark hallway usually, so I didnt know that no one was out in the halls. I had my headphones on, so I didn't realize how quiet it was. I only realized when i saw the time.) I also found out that when I left the office, he talked shit about me behind my back to other teachers about it, since my best friend was still in the office after i left.
Her geography teacher is also sexist, racist and disgusting. He openly expressed that he doesnt trust black people, refers to everyone in his class as "whites" or "blacks", and calls Mexicans immigrants. He showed a picture on a slideshow of a girl running and said "huh, a girl running, that's new."
He also refused to let one of my other friends go get a drink from the water fountain. The girl sitting next to her offered her a drink from her waterbottle, which my friend politely declined. The teacher heard. He started yelling at and scolding her for declining the water. As if she didnt have the right to politely decline. Sure, it was a kind gesture, but she's not obligated to accept. So the teacher picks up the other girl's waterbottle and LITERALLY LICKS IT. FUCKING DISGUSTING. "NOW do you want a drink from it? No? Thats what I thought." Bitch, thats a student's waterbottle, keep your gross tongue off. Istg i don't know how he hasnt been fired yet.
I wrote a new song, here are the lyrics if anyone wants to see them. I'd appreciate help coming up with a title
i don't know why we're to blame
why do they take us away
why do we come back so drained
if we can somehow escape
why is it so hard to trust
we only do what we must
but we are turning to dust
what are they doing to us
all of my life ive been running
though i didnt know what i was running from
now i know from what we are running
i had hoped they'd never come
they came and they took us away
they came and they ripped us apart, and i
i don't know why i'm still running
i can't hide what's in my heart
i hear you calling
i hear you calling my name
i feel you burning
there's never been brighter a flame
i hear you calling
i hear you calling my name
i feel you burning
there's never been brighter a flame
all we can do now is hide
don't let them follow our light
promise that you'll be our guide
promise you'll stay by our side
for some of us, we don't return
we fall and we no longer burn inside
so please, stay by our side
all of my life i've been running
though i didn't know what i was running from
now i know from what we are running
i had hoped they'd never come
they came and they took us away
they came and they ripped us apart, and i
i don't know why i'm still running
i can't hide what's in my heart
i hear you calling
i hear you calling my name
i feel you burning
there's never been brighter a flame
i don't know why we are
i don't know why we're to blame
why can't they see us
why can't they see we're the same
tell me, what are we to do
everyone's looking to you
@Jisola I like your lyrics. Ive been trying to imagine the beat of it.
I hope you dont mind - but youve been in my thoughts and ive been wondering how you're doing. Its difficult being in a situation like you are. Where you feel you have to hide away - out of sight and out of mind. I did time in a house like that
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you so much! I'm working on a track for my song and I'll be recording it if I can. I can link you to the song when it's done. Thank you for being concerned. Things are kind of hard right now, and life is pure garbage sometimes. But I'm doing ok. It's helped even just knowing you care. I think I'm gonna make it through quarantine, I only have one more month before school starts (hopefully), my birthday is in 2 weeks, and I've met someone I really like. I'll do my best to push through.
@Jisola I would like that very much :) Thank you
I'm glad to hear that you're ok. I bet you're really looking forward to being able to get back to school. A birthday in two weeks? Thats great! Happy early birthday. Mine is in about nine days :) And you met someone you really like! Thats great! That gives you something to look forward too I bet. Especially once this social distancing thing can be relaxed
You'll make it through - you're strong - I believe in you :)
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Thanks so much! Happy early birthday to you too! I'm happy you care so much.
québec has more than 8000 cases of covid 19. that's more than any other province in canada. they have 121 deaths already. my crush lives in québec. i'm so worried for her.
@Jisola Hey - Hope you don't mind but I wanted to stop in to wish you a Happy Easter :)
@mytwistedsoul Thank you so much, and the same to you!
can anyone help decipher what my music teacher means by "next time you have hotdogs, consider a theme. how many princesses could you make?"
i don't know what he wants me to do
@Jisola never mind, he sent me an image of a hotdog that looks like ariel
BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY
i got a blazer and a trench coat for my birthday and i'm pretty sure i smelled like business and secret agent and my brother even let me borrow his bow tie. i actually feel really attractive in it so whenever my self esteem is low i will be breaking out the fancy clothes
im not supposed to text after 9pm, my dad came in at 10:30 and i told him i had lost track of time and i would say goodbye to everyone, and thats what i did
then i got distracted and started watching netflix and theres no rule against staying up, im just not allowed to text after 9
he came in again at 12 and accused me of texting my friends, which i wasnt. he kept saying stuff like how can we trust you anymore?
then he said ill still take care of you because im obligated to
not because he loved me, because he was obligated to. because it was his job. because he HAD to
and it just brought up all my feelings of not belonging and being unloved and what he said just hurt me a lot and i started silently crying in shock
i was sitting there, my face unchanging, just completely taken aback by what he said and tears just rolling down one at a time
and all that emotion was too much at once and it was so much hurt that it was the closest i got to actually wanting to... leave here...
i took to biting my hand to take away the emotional pain and it bit it so hard i broke the skin and can still see the scar
my mom already knows about it and the beating i used to do
i actually started yelling at them to kill me or throw me out on the streets if they didnt want me and i wouldnt even be mad
and about how i didnt belong and shouldnt be here
i still dont know why i am here
im not supposed to text after 9pm, my dad came in at 10:30 and i told him i had lost track of time and i would say goodbye to everyone, and thats what i did
then i got distracted and started watching netflix and theres no rule against staying up, im just not allowed to text after 9
he came in again at 12 and accused me of texting my friends, which i wasnt. he kept saying stuff like how can we trust you anymore?
then he said ill still take care of you because im obligated to
not because he loved me, because he was obligated to. because it was his job. because he HAD to
and it just brought up all my feelings of not belonging and being unloved and what he said just hurt me a lot and i started silently crying in shock
i was sitting there, my face unchanging, just completely taken aback by what he said and tears just rolling down one at a time
and all that emotion was too much at once and it was so much hurt that it was the closest i got to actually wanting to... leave here...
i took to biting my hand to take away the emotional pain and it bit it so hard i broke the skin and can still see the scar
my mom already knows about it and the beating i used to do
i actually started yelling at them to kill me or throw me out on the streets if they didnt want me and i wouldnt even be mad
and about how i didnt belong and shouldnt be here
i still dont know why i am here
@Jisola I'm sorry he said those things. I know how painful it is to hear them. How it replays over and over in your mind. Try to remember that those words are a reflection of him - not you. You're still learning your way. You're a teen - he's the adult. Idk - alot of adults forget what its like when they were younger. It's not fair to you of course and it doesnt excuse what he says but you arent those words
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
when the one thing you're proud of yourself for is something you should be disappointed in yourself for
i need to stop and realize that a mental health milestone is a milestone in recovery progress, not in getting worse
fuck (but also yay)
I'm questioning my gender. I know I'm not male, but I don't think I'm fully female. I don't have a label yet. I'm thinking maybe demigirl, as it seems to fit me the best. But i want to give it more time before I label myself. It came on very suddenly. It was like 3am and i suddenly wanted to change my pronouns and name, even after 15 years of being a comfortable cis female. i don't know what happened but it's been like a week. I would like to go by Moth now, and use they/them pronouns (she/her is fine, but I prefer they/them). I tried chest binding this morning, I have double d's so I used regular bandages and 2 sports bras. I feel good, I like how it looks.
