4 of 9: gonna jump on the diary train

shadowmothhh OP March 22nd, 2020

oh my god its 4 am and i have been up awkwardly flirting with this girl on instagram for literally 6 hours straight she's so precious and so sweet and so cute and i already would die for her and i wanna hug her so bad

we're pretend cuddling in a hypothetical broken elevator and losing oxygen and im ok with it because we're together and us cute dumbasses can survive on cheesy jokes and cuddles alone

oh my god i really like her

shadowmothhh OP March 28th, 2020

Has anyone seen the movie Promare? I just saw it and I haven

shadowmothhh OP March 29th, 2020

My dad just came in and asked me why i don't sleep anymore.
I know he won't understand so I told him it's hard to explain. He says he doesnt need an explanation. Dude, then why did you ask me why i dont sleep anymore?

the reason i don't sleep anymore is because I feel dead very often in the daytime, but more alive at night. During the day, my depression skyrockets along with my boredom and anxiety. During the day, I don't wanna do anything, I just wanna sleep. And be swallowed up into the floor. "Starting my day" as my dad often encourages me to do is a huge drag and i would rather not "start my day" at all thanks. I want to skip today. And tomorrow. And the rest of the fucking month. Then i started staying up later than usual (my usual bedtime was midnight) and noticed that it's really not so bad at night.

i feel so much more energized and happy and alive at night. i don't know why. Is it the peace in the house? Is it the fact i'm the only one still awake? I don't know. But it's really not so hard to deal with evreything at night. It doesn't matter whether I'm sleeping or not. I'm just, surprisingly, okay at night. Happy, even. I can do stuff and enjoy it. Of course, there's the depressive episode once in a while where i feel like this 24/7 and i have to deal with the shitty feelings at night too, but usually I'm fine at night.
So I've adapted to this. I've become nocturnal. I stay awake at the time I want to be awake and sleep when I don't, so I can be ok more of the time. My new bedtime is around 7 am and I wake up at like, 2pm to 5pm. I'm quarantined, i don't have to go to school, i have no where else to go, so this fits perfectly. I'll take advantage of that.

Long story short, I feel dead in the day and alive at night, so I sleep when I don't want to be awake. But I know he wouldn't understand that, he's never understood my problems. I had an anxiety attack in the grocery store and he told me to get over it. He tells me to just think positive and my depression will be fixed. He doesnt fucking get it.

I'm just a fucking nuisance to him. I try my best to be quiet because he's a really light sleeper, I really do. I'm really sorry for waking him up. I don't want to bother him. I do feel really bad about it. But if i told him why, he'd just think i was being edgy and dramatic, saying stuff like "I feel dead."

There are people who hate that kind of stuff and scoff at anyone who has mental issues. My vice principal actually rolls his eyes and sighs whenever he hears the word "anxiety". I had a panic attack in front of him and he blamed me and acted like I was faking for attention and sent me to the office. The principal tried to calm me down, but the VP was in the room and I could see him glaring at me like he wanted to punch me in the face.

My best friend once went to the guidance counsellor to calm down a bit, and the VP comes in with a bunch of teachers and tells her to go to the office. Just because she needed a bit of help from the counsellor. She did nothing wrong, she was just having some personal problems and she felt a little uneasy. She told him she was just having anxiety. Cue sigh and eye roll.

This was the same day I was in the office getting a late slip and apologizing to him for accidentally skipping half of my second class because i got confused and thought it was lunch. (I mixed up the days and went to eat pretzels and watch youtube when I was supposed to be in English. I eat lunch in a dark hallway usually, so I didnt know that no one was out in the halls. I had my headphones on, so I didn't realize how quiet it was. I only realized when i saw the time.) I also found out that when I left the office, he talked shit about me behind my back to other teachers about it, since my best friend was still in the office after i left.

Her geography teacher is also sexist, racist and disgusting. He openly expressed that he doesnt trust black people, refers to everyone in his class as "whites" or "blacks", and calls Mexicans immigrants. He showed a picture on a slideshow of a girl running and said "huh, a girl running, that's new."
He also refused to let one of my other friends go get a drink from the water fountain. The girl sitting next to her offered her a drink from her waterbottle, which my friend politely declined. The teacher heard. He started yelling at and scolding her for declining the water. As if she didnt have the right to politely decline. Sure, it was a kind gesture, but she's not obligated to accept. So the teacher picks up the other girl's waterbottle and LITERALLY LICKS IT. FUCKING DISGUSTING. "NOW do you want a drink from it? No? Thats what I thought." Bitch, thats a student's waterbottle, keep your gross tongue off. Istg i don't know how he hasnt been fired yet.

1 reply

yellowSea730 May 5th, 2020

@Jisola

Hmm, it gets worse in the day?; Try this, if you use a tablet or sit by a TV .. anything like a cell phone, if your on the phone talking a lot, trying putting it on speaker, if that is not an oopiton then use headphones, make sure that they are not BlueTooth etc, no wireless ones, like airbuds.. or whatever they're called...

So the reaosn is, more and more anyway, it all started back in think 1992 mainly, and then it crops up again here and there like in 2011 and 2015 and 2018 now 2019 and I am sure this year as well.. MORE.. and more.., more people are finding out that Cell's Tv's Screen etc, anything, A N Y T H I N G.. that can or carries an RF.. Signal.. is emmitting radiation that well has been being covered up by media corps buziness etc evne gov becuause there wasn't much proof at first, and also it will do major damage to how we all live and the well, devices we use, etc.. EMF, Electric Magnetic Feild .. is what it is, even ELF, Electric low ferquancy.. or something, it can also have ill effct, but both of them can take quite some time before doing any real damage, but again, it only took the EMF, to do damage that is right next to a catscan.. they can literally see the DNA unravel in both cases, like there is imagary of both, and it shows the dna strand tailing off.. so...

Just saying might be worth it to try that, staying away from TV's.. like as long as you are 5 to more feet away.

tin the video they found that if you stay away 4 feet it is 4 times less likely to effct said person so on.

So like I said just maybe give that a try,

Ph almost forgot, your phone must be in Airplane mode, why?; This is because it turns off.. ALL~ wireless capabilities,

If you have doubt there is a legal area that even states that all cellphones are way about the accpetable limits of RF or EMF for anyone, it's even worse for babies etc because they're heads are small. So the emmitting range is the same but since a babies skull etc head is not the same size~ as an adults.

Again I there are videos on YouTube explaining all this I'll get the link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?reload=9&v=BwyDCHf5iCY

That's the women who has found most of this and she is stil~ going.

So again you must keep any wifi, or wireless capabilities OFF. if iInfared is on that can have an effect as well.

Not sure how much but could be silghtly IDK.

since I use a pc and I use a what 40" tv as a monitor.. yeah I started to dinstance myself and my head has been feeling much better.

So I know it is what's causing my migranges etc. headache.

I know, this is a lot to read, but hey least you can do is check the link out, see if any of it you know meshs with what you may notice, like oh hey yeah my head hurts or I feel etc when I do this the most, liek watching TV or a video on YT with said phone etc close to me..

Oh yah, wireless.. so if your on YT watching videos it is okay to hold it away from you about a foot?; I think it said, at least it is lessened at that and the further away it is the less it effects said person using it.

So maybe get something that you can hold it away from you, while watching.

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