In the Corner

She keeps giving vague threats disguised as casual talk. Im not dumb. I can hear the "do better" behind her jokes on my results. The "you wont get the phone" behind her sarcastic comments. A silent, constant threat. A promise, almost. Ill fix you. Ill make you perfect. Just wait. Just wait. 

No wonder- we're leaving dad again this friday. Wont see him after that till end of august

Sis said a few mins ago, "you used to be funny. What happened to that? Now ur just on the phone all the time" 

And mom said "youre not getting the phone after friday, you know." 

I didnt respond. Does she think thatll make me funny? Happy? Smart? Nice? Perfect? She thinks thatll fix me? She thinks thats what needs to be fixed? 

I second thought every single word i spoke today. Second thought and third thought and quadruple thought. So much *** tension. "Ill fix you," mom glares. Not in any way that matters, i think. So tiring. So stupid. If i am useless than her drama is even more so. I will lock myself in the damn bathrooms for hours on end if i need to. Take my escape away. Ill find another. What does she expect? 

Plan to survive till august end: 

- dont yell back

- avoid checking switches

- use grounding techniques

- study but not obsessively 

- just move from one day to the next 

Mom yelled alot. Also im this close 🤏 to finishing the CDM program

Tw caps, religion

Guess who's mom remembered that TWO YEARS AGO i said i wld start hijab in grade11. ✨️my mom✨️ she spent all day figuring out how to best put the hijab on me.

1. Hijab is not a symbol of oppression.

2. However in this case i am very unlucky to have disconnected from religion right when Id early said I wld try hijab... 

No, i cant say no. Again, thats not islam. Thats my mom.

I feel...uneasy.

Its not the hijab itself i dont mind covering my hair 

Its what it means. Wearing the hijab is saying, loud and clear, that Im a muslim. By birth, I am. According to my parents, I am.

According to me, I barely exist rn, id rather not think about religion, thanks.

It just feels like another...act. Im a bit tired of acting.

Nightmares, being annoyed with grandmother, talks on Hijab and religion research. And the days just begun ✨️

GUYS i officially graduated the CDM program 🎉🎉🎉 without honors but i didnt have time for the honors option xD im so glad i was worried i wldnt be able to with mom and just everything anyways love yall 💕

(also if you see this nadia sending lots of love <3 sorry kinda in a rush but ilyy)

**angry eyes noises**

Stupid, dumb, useless rambles and weird thoughts up ahead, a million tws, and a suggestion you go on with your day instead of reading this,

 Okay. What the ***. 

Beginning to think that the point of being on earth is to struggle and heaven is the happy ending

Like earth is like Cinderella living with her step-mothers, and the prince’s castle is like heaven

And i guess thats basically what islam says like this world is the test and the hereafter is the result

But unlike actual tests you can help each other out… 

and i guess people could find peace in this interpretation. Like yes people in Gaza are struggling because of human cruelty and going through things noone should ever have to go through

I mean when you look at how writers try to put maximum angst in their book you might see themes like watching loved ones pass away, starvation, humiliation, homelessness and the like and thats literally all happening in Palestine right now and even in Yemen, Afghanistan, Ukraine, Syria, Rhodesia, the list goes on…

but all those um like people would surely- no matter the religion that is right- go to heaven, right? After all that- i mean what would the point be to take them from one kind of H.ell and put them in another

but that also requires like a very strong belief that yes 100% there is god and there is heaven

And i think without that belief its impossible to actually come to terms with everything

because right now like taking Palestine as an example again Israel has like 100% usa’s support

Like you blame hamas, terrorists, israel, the us…

Who ever you blame, politics aside- 

there is no solution until all parties co-operate.

and do you see any chances of that? 

At this point maybe the best thing that could happen is an apocalypse- 

and then the survivors can rebuild everything

Only the generations after a supposed apocalypse might just start this whole nonsense again knowing humans

so it again comes to just everyone dying and going to heaven and *** 

Or some *** miracle fixing everything- what are the chances?

What im saying is i doubt- highly doubt- a human-made or natural way to fix all of this even exists. Because when it isnt Palestinians, its Syrians, Lebanese, Ukrainian, Afghans, Yemenis

Its even Pakistanis going days with water, food and electricity and considering it normal

So, I have both given up and not- 

I have given up on the idea that a solution will emerge, that these tragedies will be stopped by anyway that is not death and human wipe-out

but i have not given up on the people who are still fighting and hoping. I support the, despite my own lack of hope, and in a way, wherever possible, i mean to fight alongside them

Because whether its a test I might fail, a friend I might disappoint, or nations full of suffering i might not be able to make a difference for, i think I owe it, to myself, to others, to try. 

And when i think about it, really, really, think about it, we live in a ***-up, ***, down-right depressing world.

and when i think beyond that point, think about it even more, we live in this *** up, ***, down-right depressing world, and maybe we cant save everyone, but we can save a few, and thats always worth it. 

For those of us who have seen suffering- who have walked through roads of homeless people, starving people, dying people, dead people

for those of us who have been a part of it, who have spent days in despair of their lives

for those of us who have been “lucky”, lucky to be blind, lucky to be disconnected

i think the best thing we can do is keep trying, and wait, for either a final tragedy, or a miracle

but the moment we stop trying, we stop being