In the Corner

Sometimes i hate myself so much it hurts

Its not fair really. I mean i was okay.-

but now im not and there isnt even a *** reason

why are emotions so hard

Someone on here once told me to look up bipolar but i dont think thats it- 

its not “unusual”  shifts in moods, energy levels etc

probably

its just 

eyes being eyes-

its not bipolar. I dont hv bipolar or adhd or anxiety.

except maybe ocd

But i dont. 

I have lice. Noone comes near me when i have lice. They kinda glare at me, like its my fault these little creatures just kinda jumped into my hair. Tiny annoying lil vampires.

i hate the comb to get them off. I hatehatehate it. It hurts. It hurts so bad and my neck burns and sometimes i cry but mom says i need to get them off and all this itching isnt healthy and its either the comb or cutting all my hair off and id rather deal with the itching and sis keeps asking if it doesnt upset me that i cant sleep because of it but i dont care the comb hurts 

Im trying so damn hard with the temper. The 54321 thing works best so whenever mom yells or dad says something insensitive or sis mocks i do that i just do that and it helps me breathe again but they dont stop. I just barely manage to calm down and it makes me kind of proud to be able to do that and breathe through the anger but then they start yelling or whatever again and it doesn't work twice in a row then 

i cant study i cant write i cant stay calm i cant help i cant even keep the *** lice away i cnt do anything

Ive been trying to study for the past few studies. ***, i need to study if i dont want mom to teach me and i really dont. But i cant. Focus. Sometimes i cant even pick the book up. I keep staring at it. Like itll just come to me. But obv it doesnt and i dont get anything done. I keep lying to mom. Ofcourse im studying. Ofcourse i am. Im not. Imnotimnotimnot. Dad keeps asking about the course he enrolled me im. How many lectures did you take? You need to go faster. You need to fimish them by 20july

i cnt

Somewhere in the school that i no longer go to, on a desk thats no longer mine, i have written the words

"I cant."

More than once.

Id never written on desks before to be honest

I wrote "i cant" as i talked to frnds. 'I cant" as the teachers asked me questions. If my desk was moved id go and claim that one desk having "i cant" lightly scribbled in several places

Noone ever saw

*screams* she keeps *** threatening me about my result like there isnt even anything i can *** do about it now so  

Sis named the black cat in the building Truffles (we're arguing if its a he or she xD i say Mr. Truffles)

White cat with brown ears and tail is just Mr.Cat 

Dead. Deadeaddead.

Do you know what i feel when people die? No? Neither do i.

I float

Floatfloatfloat

And the feelings are sososo far away

After my p.grandfather died i thought floating meant i didnt love him

Now turtle is dead. Master Oogway is dead.

And i know i loved her. Love her. So thats not what it means.

It just means im a *** weirdo. 

Deadeadead

I keep worrying about her kids

@unassumingEyes

*sits with you* 💜 your not weird… it’s okay. i know what you mean by this feeling :') when i found out i just went numb. i’m still numb. idk what to feel and still cant believe it fully 

*hugs eyes if okay* here with you eyes, we all here with you, the ones who love turtle and knew her. sitting with you and grieving with you 💜 

and yeah im worried about her little ones too 😔 i can’t imagine how it must be for them right now, how they must be feeling. they’re  so small too 

@LoveMyMoonflowers *hugs* thank you flowers 🩷

@unassumingEyes

*big hugs* <3 love you eyes 

@LoveMyMoonflowers love you too 🩷

*exists* 

6 chemistry chapters, 4 physics chapter and 5 maths chapters.

By next saturday.

And im really, really stuck on this damn math chapter

One word to describe myself: 

Coward.

@unassumingEyes

:') what makes you feel this way eyes bean? :( I don’t want to sound invalidating 😞 but i have to disagree :') 💜

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

If i wasnt a coward id study. If i wasnt a coward id know how to deal with mom. If i wasnt a coward, maybe i wld even leave home and do something useful for once.

None of that makes sense but its whatever.

@unassumingEyes

(I'm sorry I’m not in the best headspace to reply properly but I will when I can… Love you Eyes)

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

No apologies needed ❤️ Love you too ❤️

@unassumingEyes

💜💜💜

It took me 12 years to learn how to nit yell back when yelled at

It took me 5 years to start understanding sis again

It took 1 year to get hope,

And 1 more to lose it

And now optimism feels like nothing but a necessary lie, 

And I am a born liar

With my newer cups frnds, i slip into role easily. Im fine! Lets cause chaos! Someone the other day said teen chaos room and i thought of flowers the rest of the time on cups. Anyways, its like before but not. Like everything in the rooms changed- but me. Almost like when the conflicts started, everyone started falling out of the rooms, and i was the one who managed to stay. Only, it doesnt feel like a good thing, anyways. Not bad, not good.  

The new ones feel almost like kids

(We all are)

Still hoping. Still laughing. Still having fun. Oh theyre all hurting, yes, thats why we're all here, arent we? But the difference is clear

And- none of you are replacable- but there are parallels. Similarities. Almost...scary similarities. In their thought patterns, i mean. Thats what eva would hv said, before. Thats what flowers wld hv said, before (teen chaos room-) thats how nadia wld hv reacted, before (before what? Just before?)

(Dont feel bad about "changing" youre all still lovely) 

Point is, sometimes i wonder if im just going through everything again, just witu different people. Im not, not exactly anyways because i dont open up like i did with eva and i dont laugh like i did with nadia and i dont feel safe like i did with flowers, 

But theres a similarity.

And its kind of weird to witness.

The fanfics arent working.

This happens every now and then. Interest lessens. Attention lessens. Fanfics are no longer working distractions. It happens, every now and then. After a week or so ill find smth that will work, that will keep the thoughts away when i read it and itll be back to normal. Until then im in the waiting period, where im tired and theres too many thoughts and the fanfics dont keep they away.

I dont like the waiting period. 

Brooding: moodily or sullenly thoughtful or serious

Felt

Today i get to meet my best friend again

After 6 months.

Trying really hard not to cancel.

@unassumingEyes welp, shes coming in an hour. How do i feel? I dont know. Lol lets see how it goes

@unassumingEyes

im late but i hope it went okay eyes 💜 *sends hugs*

@LoveMyMoonflowers *hugs* it was good. It was fun. Thank you 🩷

@unassumingEyes

i'm glad it was 🩷 *big hugs*

No tags, but this message is directed to everyone-

On the 2nd week on july, my way-too-much mentioned grd10 results will come. I dont know what will happen. I mean, I do- no phone, yelling, maybe tutioning, more yelling, but I dont know what Ill do. Say. 

But.

If things go as expected- and they will- i cant cups anymore. Ive said this before and ill say it again, I would never leave without a goodbye- if i could. I dont know the exact date of the result coming, so i cant come and say goodbyes beforehand. My account will still be there, and I will still be here on earth , but i wont be on cups. I will miss all of you alot- i hope you already know that- and im grateful for every bit of support youve given me. I will keep on loving you all and i will keep on waiting for the next time i can come on cups after the whole thing, and hopefully see you again 🩷

I notice that I will miss eva's bday. You probably dont want to celebrate, eva, but I hope it goes well. I hope the skies are pretty that day, for you, and i hope you can feel my love for you too 🩷/p

Im not saying a goodbye right now, because theres still time. This is a headsup for anyone who could use one :p 

I ask nothing of all of you and theres no need to read, reply, heart or anything 🩷

@unassumingEyes 

awweee eyes 🥺 i’m gonna miss you tons when you’re away, even though i know i haven’t been very active here, especially when it comes to talking to you, my friends. but you’re always, always in my mind, on cups or off. 

i hope there’s going to be as little yelling and scolding as possibly possible. maybe your mom doesn’t, but *we* know how hard you’ve worked, and i’ll be proud of you no matter what your results might be because you’ve gone through a ton of work and effort. i hope you’ll be able to come back soon, and i hope you’ll be okay when you’re gone. but that’s not yet. so i’ll try to be more active as long as i can 🩷 

love you eyes friend. who knows, maybe the results won’t be so bad. i believe in you 💕💗 

@justmeeva Thank you ❤️ youve been there for me through a lot ❤️ and have given me alot of strength ❤️ so i will never grudge you any time youve spent not supporting me xD 

I will miss you a lot and i am so lcuk to have met you i cld explode of happiness/hj 🩷

@unassumingEyes me to self: girl what-

Lucky* 

@unassumingEyes 

i’m very lcuk to have met you too :p 🩷 and to have seen your mindblowing talent with poems, and your kindness and compassion and skills with words 🩷 couldn’t be more lcuk ❤️

@justmeeva xD 

Thank you eva ❤️

@unassumingEyes

🥺💜 

Ok. Dad got mad at me for doing something mom TOLD me to do. And she glared at me too. Like u told me to do it??