In the Corner

I dont usually post so many photos lol. Idk whats up with me today

My family remembers the 2ish months we spent with our relatives this year with disdain- repulsion, almost, as tho it was awful. Maybe it was, for them, because there were days without electricity and days without running water and days when the bathroom wasnt working. Because grandmother called sis and i nicknames we both didnt like but we cldnt say anything, because anyone who didnt go to school/work woke up at 2pm and mom hated the awful sleep schedule. And i dont say it wasnt frustrating, because it was, and i dont say it wasnt scary sometimes, because being left with a hungry 7yr old, no cooking skills and a migraine-suffering aunt is infact kind of scary, but it wasnt awful, not for me. It wasnt defined by any of that.

It was defined by 14yr old cousin, who, being a boy, is supposed to not care about me, a girl, according to culture, asking me how come he hasnt seen me all day?, after i had a bad headache and couldnt leave bed for hours

It was defined by 17yr old cousin pulling me along as we turned the lights off while sis studied. It was later defined by the same cousin and i being able to talk easily despite my stammer while speaking urdu, resulting in the adults+sis watching us in confusion as we whispered and giggled like ***

It was defined by 3-4 hours alone early in the morning, with everyone asleep or outside for school/work, cupsing and kicking practice and trying to study and just breathing 

It was defined by "are you okay's?" And 14yr old cousin continuing with his out-loud memorization while mom yelled at me, a steady sound of study for me to focus on as i tuned her out, and uncle telling me to hit 12yr old cousin's back because he can take it as a joke and me hitting with such little force everyone laughed, and 4yr old and 2yr old cousins messing around, babbling like the silly toddlers they are.

It was defined by family.

By kindness.

By understanding.

By love. 

It was not repulsive. It was not awful.

It was messy and difficult and easy and chaotic and i loved it.

It was better than "home" 

Its not fair really. I mean i was okay.-

but now im not and there isnt even a *** reason

why are emotions so hard

Someone on here once told me to look up bipolar but i dont think thats it- 

its not “unusual”  shifts in moods, energy levels etc

probably

its just 

eyes being eyes-

its not bipolar. I dont hv bipolar or adhd or anxiety.

except maybe ocd

But i dont. 

Im trying so damn hard with the temper. The 54321 thing works best so whenever mom yells or dad says something insensitive or sis mocks i do that i just do that and it helps me breathe again but they dont stop. I just barely manage to calm down and it makes me kind of proud to be able to do that and breathe through the anger but then they start yelling or whatever again and it doesn't work twice in a row then 

i cant study i cant write i cant stay calm i cant help i cant even keep the *** lice away i cnt do anything

Ive been trying to study for the past few studies. ***, i need to study if i dont want mom to teach me and i really dont. But i cant. Focus. Sometimes i cant even pick the book up. I keep staring at it. Like itll just come to me. But obv it doesnt and i dont get anything done. I keep lying to mom. Ofcourse im studying. Ofcourse i am. Im not. Imnotimnotimnot. Dad keeps asking about the course he enrolled me im. How many lectures did you take? You need to go faster. You need to fimish them by 20july

i cnt