In the Corner

😣

Icnttypehowifeelbecauseidontknow

everyoneelsemattersmoretomom

Yknow all id have to do... im the one who throws the trash so i just grab a bag full of food clothes medicine and sister's phone (she can live without..) and put it in an empty trash bag and walk out the door..infront of everyone...no problem and just...

Not come back..

I wld but dad..and my close frnd...theyd worry so much- 

Why? 

Omg u guys my net i just had such a shock i logged on cups and its like i have a message from an admin...wait for it...

14 days ago

Im like what omggg xD i just died inside in surprise im like shi- 

Fortunately it said the same thing as an email i got (and saw!) And has already been dealt with xD 

Contemplative mood today :p 

big rant: tw for mention of illness hospitals guns and death (nono not like that-) along with crisis thoughts 

i might post this unfinished but lets try xD 

ok so what was probably the worst year of my life and also the “me” im proudest of iss 12yr old me. Ive mentioned slightly what all happened in year12-13 of my life :p here are some…details xD

so when i was 12, corona became a ✨thing✨ we had severe lockdown and online classes throughout grade7. Online classes were awful. The teachers acc hated us xD and it was so hard to focus they spoke in such low tones and smtimes their mic wldnt work and we’d try to tell them nd they wkd ignore us and keep teaching we never heard anything xD once my english teacher got mad at a girl for disappearing from the camera for 0.00002 seconds cause she went to grab water. Maam was like “why didnt you ask me? Who gave you permission to, to drink water? What is more important water or my lesson?” Im like 💀 water, obviously?? And permission to grab a water bottle like half meter away frm u? What xD

so online classes were awful but because of mom i cldnt just sleep through them xD i know my sis used pinterest and stuff :p but i fell into the world of fanfics (entirely by accident xD) i fell real baddd into that world tho. As irl got more stressful i spent as much time as possible escaping in fanfics- which obv meant i fell severely behind in studies. Im not proud of it :p but i did resort to cheating to survive those year exams. I was careful not to get many marks tho :p only making sure i get enough for mom to not explode :p actually i did alot by myself but i get rlly stressed in exams so when i felt a tiiiny doubt about anything i quickly checked to make sure 💀 it wasnt even necessary- i think without the cheating i wld hv gotten maybe 2-3% less than i did :p but i was paranoid- anyways-

so that was my school life-

than friendship drama- i swear friendship drama on one side and mom and sis butting in on the other side xD constantly “x isnt a good frnd, x is so bad, x said “bit**” once such a bad girl-“ while my sister’s frnd said f*** regularly and mom didnt care 💀 i ignored them to the best of my ability but i got mad real easy 

lets see :p then around like december 2020 my p. grandfather got ill and when to hospital (in another country)

rn im gonna focus on paternal grandfather. 

So he went to hospital and then at dinner time- my dad got a call from his sis- ive spoke of this before but- she said grandfather wasnt letting the doctors do anything- he’s holding his gun she said- and threatening everyone so can u talk to him? 

So as we sat down to dinner, dad stood up and started pacing as they gave the phone to grandfather. I didnt hear grandfathers end but dad…

”…no no, it’s not like that…it’s not so bad…you’re going to be okay-what? No you’re going to be okay. I know i know you’re scared, but the doctors will make sure you’re okay…they’re trying to help- i know i know- just let them help? Okay. You have your gun? Why did you bring the gun- okay i know you’re scared, okay- can you put the gun down? You’re scaring them. Let the- let the doctors help- can you put the gun down? I cant come- you know because of covid i cant get a flight- you’re okay, just put the gun down-okay, thank you”

^that was all in urdu

i had no appetite for dinner that day. 

to this day i shudder thinking of that. Imagine talking your own dad into putting the gun down and not hurting anyone/himself its just…oof 

top of that was dads job was unstable through the year so i just spent many nights wondering bout that and grandfather (grandfather made it to 2022 so that was alright just then)

and mom and i kept fighting through out the year and i kept getting like scenarios of hurting sis for sm reason and all of it was just…

tiring xD 

so honestly if i didnt hv dad or my irl frnds (even with all their fights) well- 

i dont know if id ever have made it to 14yrs old- i got real bad- i think i was genuinely depressed- :p it was just so bad i felt so empty in my chest- and all the yelling and grandfather and school and dads job- if dad didnt hv a job for 3months straight we all wld hv had to leave kwt u know and i cldnt hv handled that- i just fell in a really bad place that year and i think im worse this year around but im also like older and i think ill make it out of this tho idk when or how- i wasnt so sure back then but i really think thats the bravest ive been- i feel gen proud of that me- if i cld go back in time id tell that me- hey, you made it. You stopped cheating grade8 and got to grade9 and made such a good frnd who understands u so well- and its going to be difficult but ur very brave and im proud of u- 

me rn is an idiot :p me before 12yrs old was an idiot. But 12 yrs old me was brave :p and deserves hugs xD

Genuinely nice aunt did a genuinely not nice thing and convinced grandmother (who is staying over against sister and my wishes xD) to stay till we start traveling on june 7 💀 bye 💀 like my aunt…i love you…but why…i mean cmon- xD

my nets been making me think maybe im not as impatient as mom says xD now this patience is going to be tested for the rest of the week xD

U ever just wake up, process where you are and your existence, and go all “nope” xD yeah i did that today xD just..

*looks at life*

nah goodnight xD 

Im stuck alone at home with grandmother for around 2 hours 🫤

plus i thought i cld retreat into my room but she called me out to the living room so she cn keep an eye on me 😐 what does she think im going to do alone? Smh. Now im ignoring her and wandering around cups uneasily :0 

also we ordered sm stuff online and mom left money incase it comes while she’s out :o if it comes i have to interact with people :0 im already overthinking it