In the Corner

Theres no electricty or light, its super hot (again. Does the world want me to faint? Why do i keep getting stuck in the heat?) and i cn onky be on the tablet fr a bit cus we hv to save the battery

Plus grandmither is tryin to get us sll tombath in the dark

bye

Electricty is back 

(You’re the person they say loves me the most 

this is the most love i get, then?) 

Tw exclamation marks

Why! Wont it! Let me! Connect! To! A listener! 

Sr is empty forums are empty listeners arent responding

Listener said to talk to mom bout how i feel…hah..

advice i always give frnds is to write a note bout how they feel and leave it on their parents bed…i was never able to do this myself tho. I cant- 

it wont work

she’ll just yell

idk what im scared of. She’s yelling already. 

I dont- 

She wants me to apologize. Shes sitting right there and she wants me to open my mouth and say “im sorry” two *** words to lessen (never end) the tension between us. Two words.

I cant. 

If i wrote her a note it would say…

Today we woke up, had breakfast, and you somehow mustered enough resentment so early in the morning to tell me you aren't on “talking terms” with me. The reason being because I took an extra minute to draw before helping sis with her video. For your sale, ill assume i “rudely” took an extra minute to draw. Truthfully, all i said was that the video could wait for a few minutes, but let’s call that rude. Now, you must feel proud of yourself for not talking to me. You must think you are teaching me a lesson. 

The thing is, I have learnt my lesson, albeit a different one than you want me to. And i have learnt it well. 

On my birthday, (and dad’s birthday), or rather on that night, i got irritated with my sister because she was being irritating. Normal sibling banter. You could have told her off for annoying me or just kept silent. You didn't need to intervene.

Instead, you told me I should have been more patient.

There was nothing said to sis for irritating me, even though she’s 18 years old. But I was wrong for being irritated. Does that really seem logical? 

But thats nothing. That night, i made a plan. I decided on an experiment. A little test. You seem constantly bothered by what i say. So if i were to avoid speaking unless when absolutely necessary, you should have been pleased. 

On I believe May 28, i put the experiment in motion. I did all my “jobs” that day- dusted, made your and sister’s beds and threw out the trash- on time. And I didnt speak to you unless you asked me anything. I didnt even speak to sis. 

And you didnt notice. And you still got mad at me for something that day.

It wasn’t what I said, or say, then, that upsets you, nor me being “lazy” when it comes to my jobs. I just existed that day, and it was too upsetting for you.

Now, in your anger, you are not talking to me, and you have announced it. But you see, you didnt need to tell me. I would have noticed either way. I’d already noticed you weren’t talking to me, unlike how you didn’t notice that I wasn’t talking to you for a whole day. Your most talkative child was silent one day, and you never noticed, and you never cared. You were silent less than half a day, and I noticed, before you told me, because I am not you and I am not your daughter in all the ways that matter. 

As I write this, you are leaving to pick sis up. You tell me grandmother’s phone is available if i need to call, or apologize. I don’t respond, just raise my eyebrows.

I am not apologizing. I am not even crying. Again you think you are teaching me a lesson, but I had already learnt my lesson the day I was silent, and you were still mad: 

Nothing I do will be enough. 

So I have given up, or I am trying to give up, on you, on your love, on your lack of constant anger. Tell yourself what you will, I don’t care anymore. You think you are not a bad parent because many other south asian parents are like this, because your own mom is like this. Just because something is common doesn’t mean it is right. You will never be satisfied with me, because I am not my sister, or another, younger version of her. I do not resent her for this. I try not to resent myself the way you do. 

This note will change nothing but make you angrier, so I will not show you. 

And I want to add, I do not remember everything of May 30 and 31. I was not mentally there at all. I was a living zombie in the wake of the revelation that even silent, even obedient. I am not enough for you. Only on June 1 did I come back to life. I was a living zombie for two days, pf which I have little memory. 

And you never noticed.